Unmotivated aggression can arise as a result of a strong shock or a critical situation. However, this symptom may appear out of nowhere, which should alert the person. Unmotivated aggression without a special reason may indicate the presence of a serious illness.

Aggression as a symptom of the disease

The appearance of unmotivated aggression occurs due to certain diseases. These include:

• hyperthyroidism;
• excess weight;
• neurological disorders;
• personality disorders;
• trauma;
• malignant neoplasms.

Hyperthyroidism. Increased irritability for no particular reason may indicate the presence of problems with the hormonal background. Often this symptom develops in women. Affected people may feel hungry, but still remain thin. Excessive food intake does not affect the figure in any way. You can recognize the disease by nervousness, high activity, red skin and excessive sweating.

Excess weight. Fat deposits can provoke the production of estrogen. As a result, there is a negative impact on the psyche, both in women and men. It is enough to get rid of extra pounds - and an unpleasant sign will go away by itself.

neurological disorders. Aggression can be a symptom of serious diseases and lead to. A person gradually loses interest in life and withdraws into himself. At the same time, excessive aggressiveness and memory problems are noted. These symptoms are a serious reason to see a doctor.

Personality disorders. Unmotivated aggression can be a sign of serious mental problems and even schizophrenia. Most schizophrenics live normal lives without posing a danger to others. During periods of exacerbation, their aggressiveness increases, this requires psychiatric treatment. Trauma and malignant neoplasms. Mental excitability can be caused by brain damage. Rage and high activity can be replaced by apathy. All this indicates a serious injury or tumor process.

Often the causes of aggression are hidden in sociopathy, stress disorder or alcohol addiction. The first condition is an anomaly of character. A person does not need the company of other people, moreover, he is afraid of them. This is a congenital problem associated with the inferiority of the nervous system. Stress disorder generates a hostile attitude towards others. This happens if a person is constantly at the epicenter of unpleasant situations. An aggressive state is also characteristic of people suffering from alcoholism.

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Aggression in men

Unmotivated aggression in representatives of the stronger half can occur due to physiological and psychological characteristics. Increased irritability may indicate chronic diseases, in particular, damage to the endocrine system. Nervousness is caused by constant conflicts and stressful situations.

Attacks of aggression can occur due to grumpiness and rudeness. Psychological nervousness can appear as a result of constant lack of sleep, hormonal changes, overwork or depression. A man is dissatisfied with himself and takes out his anger on others. Aggression can also be motivated, namely, associated with noisy neighbors, loud music or TV.

Sometimes even the most non-conflict people break down and take out their anger on others. Often this is due to the fact that a person accumulates negative emotions for years and simply does not give them an outlet. Over time, patience ends, and aggression comes out for no apparent reason. Sometimes one negative sign is enough for a symptom to appear. It could be a loud voice or a sudden movement. A person breaks down instantly and is not able to control himself. It is necessary to monitor your own condition and try to stop aggression in time.

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Aggression in women

The main cause of aggression in women is misunderstanding and impotence. This happens when the fair sex is not able to express herself without the support of others. The absence of a definite plan of action causes an emotional explosion.

Aggression does not in all cases carry a danger. Sometimes this is the only way to throw out emotions to activate new forces and energy. However, this should not be done all the time. Aggression is a positive phenomenon, but only if it is aimed at solving a specific problem. If this condition is permanent and it does not bring any relief, family members and relatives fall under the negative influence. In this case, aggression indicates chronic fatigue and may appear as a result of constant noise, the influx of negative emotions and minor troubles. If you do not learn how to deal with this condition, there is a risk of developing constant aggression. This leads to dissatisfaction with one's own life. As a result, not only the woman herself suffers, but also the people around her.

Motivated aggression can cause diseases, lack of communication and constant noise. Often a woman is prone to this condition during the period of raising a child. She has a lack of communication and opportunities for self-expression. All these conditions must be controlled.

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Aggression in children and adolescents

The cause of unmotivated aggression in children can even be the upbringing of parents. Excessive guardianship or, on the contrary, its absence lays certain thoughts and emotions in the child. Fighting this condition is not so easy, because in adolescence everything is perceived most acutely.

Gender differences in children underlie aggression. So, boys reach a special peak of aggressiveness at the age of 14-15 years. For girls, this period comes earlier, at 11 and 13. Aggression can occur as a result of not getting what you want or out of the blue. At this age, children believe that they are right, and parents do not understand them. As a result - aggressiveness, isolation and constant irritability. It is not worth putting pressure on the child, but waiting for everything to go away on its own is also dangerous.

There are several main reasons why children's aggression can develop. These include:

• indifference or hostility on the part of parents;
• loss of emotional connection with loved ones;
• disrespect for the needs of the child;
• excess or lack of attention;
• failure in free space;
• lack of opportunities for self-realization.

All this indicates that the parents themselves are capable of creating the cause of aggression. Bookmark character and personal qualities is carried out in childhood. Lack of proper education is the first path to aggression. In some cases, specialized treatment is required to suppress negative emotions.

Anger can cause a person to become furious in front of others, yelling, shouting, hitting or insulting others. This type of destructive anger outburst is one of the most powerful. It harms you and those around you, physically, emotionally, and socially. If you are having difficulty controlling your outbursts of anger, then you need to learn to restrain yourself in difficult situations. This will be the best way to achieve a more peaceful life.

Steps

Part 1

Immediate action to contain outbursts of anger

Pay attention to physical signs. When your body is under stress, you are more likely to experience certain physical symptoms. These include:

• The jaws are tightly compressed, and the muscles are in tension.
• Headache or abdominal pain.
• Increased heart rate.
• You sweat (even your palms will start to sweat).
• The face turns red.
• The body or hands are shaking.
• You experience dizziness.

1. Pay attention to emotional signs. Often, anger is accompanied by other emotions. Eventually, the amygdala, the emotional center, starts sending signals to be able to meet the threat and keep you alive. Not surprisingly, you can get a flood of other related emotions. These emotions can serve as an alarm signal for the "fight and flight" signal. In addition to anger, the following emotions may be present:

   • Irritation
   • sadness
   • Depression
   • Guilt
   • Indignation
   • Anxiety
   • Defensive reaction

2. Count to ten. If you feel like you are starting to get angry and experience the above signs of anger, then you can tell yourself that you don't have to react right now. Mental counting can help you blow off steam at this point. It may sound a little silly at first, but counting really does help you get distracted long enough to calm down. Refrain from reacting and give yourself time to process your feelings.

   Try to breathe deeply. Try to be alone for a while. If you can, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom, stairwell, or outside for a while, this will help you feel more comfortable to breathe deeply and calm down.

   • Breathe in to a count of four, inhaling slowly, hold your breath for a count of four, and then exhale for the next count from one to four.
   • Make sure you breathe from your diaphragm, not your chest. When you breathe from your diaphragm, your belly expands (which you can feel when you put your hand on it).
   • Do this as many times as needed for you to feel yourself begin to calm down.

3. Repeat calming words or phrases to yourself. Try saying things to yourself like, "Calm down" or "Relax" or "Don't get upset." Repeat this phrase again and again until you feel your anger begin to dissipate.

   Change the environment. If you feel like your blood is boiling, leave. Breathe deeply. If you can get away from the situation, do so. By not having an object in front of your eyes that makes you angry, you will calm down much faster.

   Try progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation is a process of progressive tension and relaxation of the whole body. It is believed that by tensing your muscles, you can release the tension accumulated in your body. Here is an overview of this method:

   • Breathe for a count of one to four, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for the next count of four. Breathe deeply.
   • Start with the muscles of the face and head. Tighten every muscle in your face, head, mouth, and neck that you can and hold for 20 seconds, then relax.
   • Then work your way down the body in this way, tensing and relaxing your shoulders, forearms, back (only if you don't have back problems), arms, stomach, legs, feet, and toes.
   • Now rock on your toes, feeling relaxed from head to toe.
   • Take a few deep breaths and enjoy the feeling of relaxation.

4. Find something funny to take your mind off things. If you can make yourself laugh, you can change the chemical reaction in your body. You can use your wits and imagination to imagine all sorts of ridiculous situations that might make you laugh, especially if they're not petty or sarcastic.

   • For example, let's say you're in a situation where your boss is angry with you for something. Instead of resenting sitting at your desk, you can dissipate your anger by imagining that your boss has a fish head and is yelling at you with his fishy mouth open. However, it is important not to laugh or smirk if you are still talking to the manager. This may make the situation worse.
   • You can even use this method if you've lost your temper. By using something that can make you laugh, you can calm down in that moment. You will then be able to apply other methods more effectively, such as problem solving, to come up with a solution for the situation you are facing.

5. Train. Physical activity can help dissipate your anger. Research shows that exercise helps regulate feelings and control your emotions in both children and adults. Try exercising when you feel angry or exercising every day to get rid of aggression.

6. Nullify your emotions with a good night's sleep. A good night's sleep helps people regulate their emotions. Emotions become difficult to control when we don't get enough sleep. One study showed that just a few nights of disturbed sleep in teenage girls increased the level of negative emotions, as well as their rage.

   • If you have constant sleep problems, then you need to see a doctor.

7. Try meditation. Meditation has been proven to be effective for emotional regulation. It has a long-term effect on the amygdala, the emotional center, and the part of the brain where a response occurs after a stressful or dangerous situation. Start with deep breathing. You can also combine breathing and mental visualization. Try this visualization exercise:

   • As you breathe in, imagine a golden white light that relaxes you and makes you feel happy. Imagine that this light enters your lungs, passes through your entire body. When you exhale, you exhale dirt, dark colors, symbolizing your anger, stress.
   • If you find yourself unable to meditate, don't worry. Meditation is a combination of deep breathing exercises, visualization and mental tasks. But if you feel that it is difficult for you to sit in one place for a long time, or you feel uncomfortable during meditation, you can simply start breathing deeply. It will also trigger a soothing response in your body.

8. Don't be discouraged if you get angry outbursts again. When people try something new, it doesn't always work out perfectly. This may be true when you are learning new ways to deal with anger. The best way to deal with relapses that turn into tantrums or passive-aggressive reactions is to learn what didn't work. When you are able to see what didn't work, you can reconfigure the actions you normally take to deal with a particular type of anger for the next time.

   • The most important thing is perseverance! Rejoice in your small accomplishments, as each of them will be a step towards the realization of a larger goal, which is the fight against anger.

Part 4

Expressing your anger in a more favorable way

1. Focus on confident communication. Confident communication emphasizes that both participants in the conversation have important needs. To communicate confidently, you should present facts in a conversation without accusations.

   • For example, you might say, “I was angry and upset because I thought you underestimated the importance of my project when you made fun of my presentation. I have no idea how things really are, but it seems to me that you simply do not pay attention or do not take my work seriously. I just don't understand what's going on. Can we talk about it?"

2. Be respectful. Using words like "thank you" and "please" is not only about politeness, it also shows that you respect others. Your phrases should express requests, not demands. To be respected, you must respect others. Then you can develop cooperation and mutual respect. This is the opposite of what happens when you experience anger, in which aggressive, passive, or aggressive-passive communication creates discord between you and those around you.

   • You can start by saying, “When you have time, could you…” or “That would be a great help of you… Thank you, I appreciate it!”

3. Be clear. If you mumble and beat around the bush, or are not specific, then any interlocutor will get angry. Instead, go directly to the person you need to solve your problem. Explain clearly how you see the desired result. Don't forget to express it as a request.

   • For example, if your colleague is talking very loudly on the phone and it's making it difficult for you to work, you could ask: “I have a request for you. Could you speak more quietly on the phone? It greatly distracts from work. I would be very grateful. Thanks".
   • If instead you said to everyone in the room, "It's very difficult to work in such a noisy office," then this is very vague. Moreover, it will most likely ruin your relationship with colleagues and will not solve your problem.

4. You also need to accurately convey your feelings. When you think about what you're feeling, express real feelings like pain and make healthy statements based on that.

   • Here's an example of a lack of confidence in expressing yourself: "I think you lack tact." This is a judgment about another person (which is not very beautiful).
   • Instead, stick to what applies to you: "You don't seem to care about my feelings when you read the paper, instead of listening to what I'm trying to say."

5. Strive to solve the problem. Once you understand what is causing your anger, you can moderate it and address the thoughts that provoke it. You can then shift your focus to solving the problem. When solving a problem, you do everything in your power to deal with the problem, figuring out how you feel about the situation and expressing it in the most effective way possible.

   • For example, you might get angry because your child has bad grades on a report card. To avoid an outburst of anger directed at your child, you should try to resolve this issue. This will help you get through this situation.
   • Work on your emotions by taking a few minutes to yourself and breathing deeply. Once your head clears up a bit, you can start thinking about solving the problem. You can strategize about talking to your child about their grades, emphasizing that you love them and are ready to support them. You can also consider options such as finding a tutor for them or enrolling your child in a learning to learn course.
   • You may sometimes have to accept that the solution to the problem will not always be at hand. This is normal, because nothing in life is given to us on a silver platter. Everything in life is much more chaotic. You cannot control life, but you can control your attitude towards it.

• Chances are the therapist will use a relaxation technique to help you calm down in the middle of a tantrum. It can also help you deal with thoughts that can trigger anger and find new ways to look at situations. A therapist can also help you develop skills to overcome emotions and learn how to communicate confidently and assertively.
• You can see a therapist who specializes in dealing with existing problems based on the past, such as dealing with childhood abuse or neglect, or a trauma experience. This can be very helpful in dealing with anger associated with past events.
• For example, in the United States, you can find a psychotherapist in your area using the database of the American Association of Psychologists and Psychotherapists.

Ask your doctor to prescribe treatment for you. Anger is often part of various disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression or anxiety. Medication treatment for anger will depend on the conditions in which your anger manifests itself. Also drugs for the treatment of disorders will help to cope with anger.

• For example, if anger comes from depression, then it can be treated along with other symptoms with antidepressants. If irritability is part of a general anxiety disorder, then it can be treated, like the disorder itself, with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Lexapro or Prozac. At the same time, these drugs can cure your irritability.
• Every drug has side effects. For example, a lithium salt is used to treat bipolar disorder. She has a very high risk of kidney complications. Being aware of possible side effects will help you manage complications. It is important to discuss this openly with your doctor.
• If you suffer from any kind of addiction, be sure to talk to your doctor. You definitely don't want to add any other addiction to the list while struggling with alcohol addiction. For optimal medical treatment of anger and other possible symptoms you may have, you should speak frankly with your doctor.

Hello, Doctor!

In the last few years, I've had occasional strange outbursts of intense irritation. I call the state in which I find myself at such intervals, a fit of anger. Maybe it's not quite the right name. This anger develops in me very unexpectedly and instantly (literally within half a second).
As soon as this happens (as if the body abruptly switches to a different mode of operation), it is difficult for me to continue adequate communication with others, it is difficult to continue my work (physical or creative), all thoughts get confused, I withdraw into myself, think deeper and deeper about my condition - and finally dig in my thoughts. And all the objects, phenomena and situations around me begin to annoy me greatly.

Symptoms
I feel: strong irritation, rage, anger.
I feel physically: trembling in many parts of the body (especially in the chest); heaviness and burning in the chest; deep and frequent inhalations and exhalations begin (as with heavy physical exertion).

wishes
There is a great desire to break something near you. If I allow myself to do this, then it becomes a little easier for me. This partially relieves emotional stress.
In the acute course of such an attack, for some reason it seems that harming oneself is also necessary. In such extreme manifestations of rage, everything passes like a blur, the pain at such moments is not felt sharply, almost not noticeable. It is good that so far common sense has been stronger than these impulses. Until everything ended with broken knuckles on his hands. Hitting something with your fists is effective both in terms of destroying something near you, and in terms of causing physical harm to yourself.

actual stimuli
There are a number of physical factors: these are such trifles that in 50% of cases I do not notice (like all normal people), and in the other 50% - seizures begin.
- unstable operation of electronic devices (or simply missing the right button);
- the whistling sound of the air exhaled by me through the nostrils;
- expected monotonous sounds that are often found in everyday life (microwave end signal, car alarm);
- when it is not immediately possible to set the desired water temperature in the mixer;
- the need to repeat at least once on the phone or skype the phrase just spoken for some reason makes me very nervous; even if I rephrase the idea that I wanted to convey, even if I say it with a different intonation.
There are also social factors.
Bitterness and resentment from vile selfish acts of people can instantly lead to the development of an attack.
And regardless of whether it concerns me personally or not. And it does not matter whether I said everything I want to face this person or decided not to enter into a conflict - in any case, an attack of anger is most likely inevitable.
And it would probably be very important to note here that at such moments I have enough self-control to control myself and not direct this anger (namely, this "sick" anger of mine) to incite enmity. And in such a state, I can only cause physical harm to myself (and I also try not to do this in public).

Global causes
Any failures and troubles in my life happen from time to time. So there are instant breakdowns.
Some accumulated stress is also present to some extent: family difficulties and even family grief, hard work in the office lately (working with clients), a lot of unfinished creative ideas. I take all this, perhaps too seriously - and I'm very worried.
But even during the holidays, when my wife and I travel, in conditions that seemed to be maximum comfort for us and away from the pressing city problems, attacks still happened. And very serious.

Main irritant
Being alone, I endure such attacks less painfully. And here is the reason, I think.
My behavior during attacks brings a lot of discomfort to the people around me. Due to the sharply increasing nervousness in my voice, it naturally seems to them that I am making some kind of claim against them. And first of all, they are looking for the cause of my irritation in themselves.
This fact comes to my mind 2-3 seconds after the onset of the attack. And awareness of my psychological appearance in the eyes of my relatives immediately leads to a multiple increase in anger.
And then the state of health worsens exponentially.

Apathy
A prolonged and acute attack (especially due to some kind of failure, due to a strong emotional disorder) leads to a different state: a desire arises to remain alone, everything around becomes somehow meaningless, apathy begins.

Sedatives
Infusions of motherwort and other herbal sedatives have a beneficial effect. For a while, I get irritated much less often, but this does not completely eliminate the attacks. Also, the course of Afobazol seemed to help.

All my observations of myself are due to the inability to control this state in any way, I just began to analyze these attacks: the stages and their length began to be traced, I began to identify the main stimuli. And now I try to avoid these irritants.
But here's how to deal with an attack that has already begun - I still don't know at all.

I understand that globally the only true treatment would be to work on your inner world - changing the environment, arranging your life and life, achieving your small and big goals - all this increases self-esteem and, as a result, well-being. And I have been actively working on this lately: I changed my activities, my wife and I moved to another city, we are making plans for the future. There seems to be less seizures (because there are much fewer irritants), but they happen.

Does this problem happen to other people?
I see that my father has a very similar problem (but he won't admit it) and my sibling has an almost identical problem.
Maybe there is some method of working with this disease?
Maybe you can suggest something else?
I have never seen a doctor with this problem before.

If a man is irritated, angry for no reason, often breaks down on others, this is already a diagnosis. And I must say, disappointing. Male aggression is the subject of study of psychology, neurology, psychiatry, but to date, a universal cure for this disease has not been invented. There are too many faces, and even in the first stages, an attack of male aggression is practically indistinguishable from an ordinary, unremarkable irritable state. But it is with him that a neurosis can begin, which, if measures are not taken in time, very quickly transforms into an irreversible mental disorder.

First, let's understand what is aggression? This word itself has ancient roots and translated from Latin means: "attack, attack." This term refers to the behavior of people and animals. The former usually have manifestations of verbal (verbal) and physical aggression, which can be directed both at their own kind and at inanimate objects, objects, and phenomena. It is noteworthy that in humans, aggression can also manifest itself in relation to themselves - in the form of suicide.

Aggression tends to be detected at once in several guises, which are at the same time its distinctive features from other types of human behavior. Firstly, usually aggression is not actually provoked by anything real - just the one who is in its state seeks to dominate others. Secondly, it always includes an encroachment, an attack on freedom, personal space, objects of affection of another person. And her third incarnation is always destructive, hostile behavior during an attack.

It is noteworthy that a person who shows unreasonable aggression will never admit to himself the presence of deviant behavior, but will say that he was simply not in the mood, and everything has already passed.

Who falls under the attacks of aggression

The family suffers first. It is the main cell of society that usually takes the most significant part of the blows from male attacks of aggression. Constant scandals, showdown, numerous humiliations and insults, assault, violent actions are indispensable components of such an attack. Have you ever wondered what the second half of the aggressor feels during these hours and minutes? Who, if not a woman watching a male attack, gets the lion's share of all these "charms".

And the representatives of the weaker sex have no other choice but to try to mentally absorb the attacks inflicted by the aggressor, as far as it is naturally possible from the point of view of personal safety, life and health. Someone in response to all the unreasonable remarks of her husband is silent, someone tries to divert his attention and talk about positive topics, someone agrees with all the insults addressed to him, and someone just runs away from home on suddenly appeared urgent matters.

Alas, all these psychological shock absorbers have a short shelf life, and in some cases they turn out to be simply useless and can no longer protect the family from male attacks of aggression.

What are the causes of aggressive behavior and are there any?

Yes, there are reasons for unreasonable male aggression. But they do not lie in the behavior of the victims of the aggressors, as the latter often explain their position. Attacks of male aggression always have a certain relationship and interdependence. But in patients with mental disorders, they, given the overall clinical picture of a particular disease, are already more clearly manifested. And for those who suffer from neuroses, they still exist in a kind of germ, a sketch, which are usually correctly called factors influencing attacks of aggression in men.

The first and most important factor is the presence of psychoactive substances in the body of the stronger sex. Alcoholism, tobacco smoking, the use of energy drinks, drug addiction, substance abuse today are not uncommon among the male half of humanity. So is it any wonder where various neuroses come from in men, when bad habits are the best companions of many?

The lack of dopamine and serotonin metabolism, which are responsible for self-control, self-esteem, and impulsiveness of a person, also contributes to the appearance of aggression in male behavioral reactions.

Environmental factors are a special topic. Few of the representatives of the male half of humanity think that the environmental causes of almost any attack of aggression include unstable, stressful, chaotic home and work situations.

The cause of uncontrolled aggressive behavior in the male, and possibly in the female half of humanity, there are also various physiological deviations in the activity of vital organs, somatic diseases. For example, brain tumors or injuries, metabolic disorders can quite naturally become the starting point of an attack of male aggression. Post-traumatic stress disorder, if you do not take action in time, will also easily lead to this result.

But knowing about the physiological predisposition of the body to deviant behavior, it is possible to prevent the onset of an attack of male aggression and even, if possible, take preventive measures.

What to do with consequences?

Among the factors influencing attacks of aggression in men, it is always necessary to single out not only the medical, but also the social component. Namely: antisocial traits inherent in a person, when violent actions are recognized by a representative of the stronger sex as an acceptable means to achieve certain goals.

Therefore, it is believed that prevention, treatment of the consequences of even a single attack of aggression include both medical and social components. The first is associated with contacting specialists in health care institutions, with pharmacological effects, the second is with the competent behavior of others who witnessed the onset of an attack.

In men's hands, even a simple household item can turn into a serious instrument of aggression. Therefore, immediately pay attention to this and keep the person who has an attack in your field of vision, in no case turning your back on him.

In male threats, it can be difficult to recognize the sign of an onset attack. Therefore, defiant words should be taken as seriously as possible, because they are an alarming bell that a male attack of aggression can occur at any moment.

Between a man who has an attack of aggression and those around him, it is necessary to establish a safe distance immediately, as soon as a scandalous, conflict, life-threatening and health-threatening situation takes its start. It is best not to start mindlessly heroic at the moment. And for those who decide to make contact with a person who is in an excited, spontaneously aggressive state, it is necessary to maintain maximum confidence and calmness.

In search of a way out of the current situation

It is negative emotions that are the basis of aggressive behavior in people, and there are a lot of reasons for such emotional states. But knowing the peculiarities of male psychology, to some extent it is possible to switch the attention of men prone to attacks of aggression to positive life moments.

Taking into account the peculiarities of the motivation of male aggressive behavior, one can try to simulate situations in which the negative would be directed not into a fit of rage, but into a positive direction. But without the qualified help of a psychologist, neurologist, psychiatrist, all these unprofessionally performed psychotherapeutic delights may not always end in calming the aggressor.

If measures are not taken in time, a single attack of aggression may, after some time, become an integral part of the male psyche, and an irreversible mental disorder will not be slow to follow a reversible neurotic disorder.

Anger arises from violated expectations. To cope with it, you need to deal not with the feeling itself, but with the reasons that caused it. How to deal with anger? I offer a 5 simple steps method.

Imagine a situation: two drivers are standing in a traffic jam, each in his car. Another car drives past on the side of the road, bypassing the queue, and then tries to climb into the very beginning, right in front of our heroes. The reaction of the drivers is different: the first one got very angry, cursed loudly out the window and did not let it through. A skirmish ensued. The second driver shrugged and turned away. Why did it happen? Why is there a completely different reaction to the same situation?

The answer is really simple: each of the drivers assessed the situation differently. If we assume what they thought, then most likely the first driver thought something like “What a brat! Why should I stand and he shouldn't? He must stand and wait, like everyone else! It's not fair! Now I will show him how to behave! The second driver probably thought something like "Let it climb, it doesn't matter to me."

Anger, anger, rage and irritation are based on expectations. We expect other drivers to behave honestly and according to the rules. We expect the authorities to be fair to us. We require ourselves to exercise twice a week. When this does not happen - drivers do not drive according to the rules, the authorities unfairly criticize, we once again did not go to the gym - we get angry, annoyed and angry. We can say that we have some rules about "duty": someone has to do something. When such a rule is violated, we develop anger to one degree or another. The more important this rule was for us, the more it is associated with something individually valuable, the stronger the fit of anger can be. It is easiest to notice such "shoulds" in relation to other people: "He has no right to do this!" or "Children should behave normally!".

Attitude to anger and its causes

It is worth noting that people have different attitudes to anger and its manifestation. Relationships are affected by:

• upbringing;
• the cultural environment where the person grew up;
• life experience;
• in the end, books read in childhood and much more.

For example, we can learn that anger is not good and wrong and should be suppressed. If we think of anger as a tightly closed kettle of boiling water, it is easy to understand how it happens that anger erupts at some point in the form of intense, exciting, strong feelings. After all, when the kettle is on the stove and heats up, heats up, heats up, the water slowly boils, but there is still little steam, and it still accumulates inside. The water continues to heat up and eventually boils. There are a lot of couples, he is looking for a way out - and he will definitely find it. If you close it very tightly, then the steam can break the lid and even blow up the entire kettle. Likewise with anger. If you do not let him go out, sooner or later he will blow up the kettle. From the outside, for other people it will look like an unexpected, violent outburst of emotions "from scratch".

It happens that people are convinced that it’s okay to get angry if your feelings are rightly hurt - in addition, it’s permissible to punish the offender if you are able to do it. Such beliefs, combined with the emotion boiling inside, are pushing towards destructive behavior - aggression. Aggression is understood not only as a physical attack, but also as a verbal one: swearing, calling names, raising your voice. There are also hidden forms of aggression, such as intentional passivity or sarcastic comments.

Anger, like any other emotion, positive or negative, is not good or bad. It simply arises in response to how we assess the situation. Anger problems appear when it occurs too often, too intensely, and disrupts daily life and relationships. We boil water in a pot or kettle several times a day, letting the steam out and controlling the heat cut, and this is a completely normal situation. But if the kettle were to boil unexpectedly, on its own, so strong that it would immediately explode, that would be a problem. Or if a boiling kettle pounced on those present, striving to douse everyone with boiling water.

If you notice regular or intense outbursts of anger in yourself and want to deal with them, then the following exercise is likely to be useful to you. Please note that it may not be possible to perform it during the anger attack itself, because a strong emotion blocks thinking. You need to choose a time when you are more or less calm, no one will distract you. In the next critical situation, you will remember the most important thing from this exercise. Especially if you practice several times. Such exercises are like playing the guitar: if you only think about playing the guitar, you will never learn how to do it. To play, you need to actually pick up the instrument and start plucking the strings.

Step one: realize that there is a choice

Anger leads to aggression. We don't always control an emotion, but what we do when we do, we control. Consider what will be the consequences of aggression? Do you really want these results? Are they leading you in the right direction? Will your relationship with the person improve? If not aggression, then how to behave differently in order to protect your interests?

Step two: find the rule

Find the rule of "should" that has been violated. Words such as “must, must, must, must, should” will help you discover it. What exactly went wrong? Who behaves not as they should, in your opinion? What do you require - from yourself, from another person, from the world? Let's call the discovered "hot thoughts".

Step Three: Cool Your Thoughts

Respond to the hot anger thoughts you found in the previous step in a more measured, sane, cool way. For example:

• Hot Thought: How is he dare to say that to me! He not has the right to contact me!
• More thoughtful thought: Perhaps he thinks it will be better. Maybe he makes a mistake, he also human, not robot.

Step four: prevent aggression

Think about what it is that turns thoughts into aggressive behavior. Look for explanations that allow you to show aggression or justify it. For example: "He deserved it" or "Otherwise she will never understand", or "I don't care anymore, I'm furious." Such thoughts are like scammers who trick us into doing something that we may later regret. They do not act in our interests, on the contrary, they push us to drop moral principles - and put on a show of threats, accusations, screams, or even physical attacks. Remind yourself what your payback will be if you go along with these scammers. Is this what you really want?

Step five: calm the body

Learn to calm physiology. Anger makes our heart beat, our muscles tense, our blood pressure rises, and our breathing quickens. It is an ancient automatic mechanism that helps prepare the body for fight or flight. To calm down, you need to give the opposite “command”: intentionally relax the muscle groups that are tense, or slow down your breathing. In a few minutes, everything will gradually pass.