Africa is a delicate matter

This spring, I desperately wanted to bask in the sun. We have seen Turkey, we have passed through Egypt, but far from Cuba. In short, the choice fell on Tunisia, although it has long been known - "children do not go to Africa for a walk." The guidebooks promised an almost European country - well, a former colony, everyone speaks French, female comrades received social rights and freedoms, the beaches are teeming with Germans, British, French and other foreigners. In general, to go so to go - to celebrate all the May holidays abroad.

But already on the way from the airport to Sousse, it became obvious that the information on the Internet is covered with gold leaf: in fact, sluggish palm trees stand timidly along the roads, the streets and shop windows are wrapped in a thick layer of dust, unwashed children hover around the shops in flocks. As in Egypt, rooms for younger children are built over the apartments of older ones. And so many houses have been under construction for years. Moderate exotic side by side with poverty, which looks the same anywhere in the world.

In the bank of the hotel, we exchanged native dollars for local dinars. There are a thousand millimeters in one dinar. But a penny worth one millimeter does not exist, as well as matches that can be bought with it. Money is dear to Tunisians not only as an equivalent of exchange, but also as pieces of paper that are printed in distant Switzerland. Therefore, it is strictly forbidden to take them abroad.

When in my hands there were several denominations of 5 dinars, and each of them had a different pattern, I asked why. The clerk answered succinctly:

- This is Africa.

And therefore, everything that you may encounter in Tunisia must be treated through the prism of these words.

Should there be Carthage?

In early May, the temperature of the Mediterranean Sea near Tunisia is such that only walruses and desperate Siberians can swim in it. Unfortunately, I don’t belong to either category, so I didn’t climb into the water at + 15C, but lay on the beach. However, from 10 o'clock in the morning a strong side wind began (tell me, what's his name?) and blew vacationers from the sea to the pool.

When you lie near a chlorinated "reservoir", it doesn't matter which country is the scene of action (Russia also has good swimming pools). And I wanted to look at the endless expanse of the sea. So, I share the solution to the problem (which should be passed down or told only for money): the sunbed is placed on its side, and you hide behind it on a towel. And you are not afraid of either the gray wolf or the cold wind. By the way, the sands in Tunisia are soft, delicate, they can be safely sold like flour or semolina - you can’t tell. Therefore, it is pleasant to lie on them.

Another point: when you proudly freeze on the beach in the name of tanning, you do not take into account the African sun. And it is not like ours, it burns everything in its path. Although I have dark skin from birth, and I followed the regime - I froze on the shore in the form of a starfish from only 9 to 11 in the morning, the sun did not spare me either. After returning home, the skin peeled off almost from the palms.

So. The rest of the "Russo tourists" were not distinguished by the same prudence as I: they rode jet skis, sunbathed at lunchtime, swam behind the buoys, so soon solo coughs and sneezes began to be heard here and there. If you have managed to spoil your vacation with illnesses, then medicines with international names can be found in any Tunisian pharmacy at the same price as in our homeland.

Do not be afraid to call the doctor included in the insurance (if the form says "deductible - zero", then you will not even have to pay anything for the doctor's visit). When you return home, you will provide a printout of telephone conversations with a paid medical officer, the insurance company will return this money.

In general, due to a cold that broke out in the hotel, I did not find fellow travelers on an excursion to Carthage or the Sahara. Therefore, all unspent forces went to the study of the city of Sousse.

Street of blue-green clay

If you are tired of the beaches, and you are not going to sweat in the desert, go out into the city to practice your English, French, German, Polish or, at worst, Russian. Residents of Tunisia, apparently, are entirely polyglots. If you met a taciturn aborigine, most likely, this cold gleam in your eyes made him think about the eternal and hastily pray.

The fact is that Russian tourists are divided into pessimists with brick-shaped seas ... that is, faces and optimists with radiant smiles. It is not difficult to guess who the Tunisians are friendly with. As part of national courtesy, it is customary to say hello when entering a room. A small vocabulary from Bonjour/Bonsoir or Aslema/Bislema works better than the "Sim-sim, open!" spell. Of course, out of habit, the jaw will reduce at the five hundredth greeting in a day. But over the holidays, you will get so used to this ritual that, when you return to Russia, you will understand why, because of the facial expressions of our residents, it seems that the sky is lower and the sun is spotted.

Another rule of decency concerns appearance. Outside the beach, it is not advisable to walk around in clothes that open your shoulders and knees. Of course, you will not be arrested for immorality even if you are in a bikini, but you are guaranteed attention as a pop star. Before dusk in any part of the city you can walk on your own, but after 20:00 it is better for unaccompanied girls to stay in hotels - otherwise they may be confused with representatives of some bad professions.

If you don’t like walking, take a taxi, just ask the guide in advance how much it costs to travel to different parts of the city. And if you prefer a non-standard type of transport - still do not get into the "tuk-tuki". These are such carts, such as a scooter with a body, and you are in the body. It’s not enough that the crazy Tunisian wind will even take you to those places that you didn’t know existed, because cars will rush nearby and honk furiously. No, your life is practically not in danger (for 7 days I have not seen a single bat or scratched car), but in a few minutes of the trip you will complete the annual plan for the release of adrenaline into the blood.

Tunisian men are not of particular ethnographic interest, because they do not differ much from Turks and Egyptians. But the local women are worth watching: despite the weak pressure of Islam, they still walk around in headscarves, wear trousers and over light tunics. Especially fashionable ones have an ornate pattern from the shoulder to the middle finger, I think, with henna. Even Russians - not the most emotional men in the world - are breathtaking when girls straighten their scarf and hair with this hand.

If suddenly you are going to get married and are looking for a wedding dress that differs from the traditional “wedding cake” and “woman on a teapot” designs, then go to the corresponding salon in Tunisia: you can find a multi-colored outfit with pants, you can - a white sundress with a cape, embroidered with delicate patterns and stones.

Evening in the hotel lobby. The atmosphere is like in Headquarters the day before the battle for Moscow. Natalya (representative of the Neva travel agency) whispered to us about the miraculous local clay formed after volcanic eruptions. She drew lines on the map:

- Exit the hotel, turn right, reach the ring, turn left, count seventeen palm trees (!!!). There will be a shop there. After this clay, the face is like a baby's ass.

Although my face even in the morning, even after the masks it more often looks like a face than an ass, I also succumbed to the general affect and in the morning went with a company to look for clay. We made it safely to the ring. And then it turned out that palm trees grow on both sides of the desired street. And not like in decent countries - one opposite the other, but spontaneously. We chose the side we liked best, counted 17 palms and stumbled upon a clothing store. Possessing the gift of a sign language interpreter, I showed with gestures that we needed something that you first crumpled in your hands and then smeared over your face.

A sympathetic girl sent us to the pharmacy. I demonstrated my home theater several times, in the end, wherever they sent us. Having reached the thirty-fifth palm tree, we turned back, returned to the head of the street, crossed to the other side and again counted the laid (or set) number of palm trees - oh, those stubborn seekers of clay! On the seventeenth palm tree, we stumbled over unshaven guys selling spices and cobblestones.

Young people did not understand belmes in Russian, and I do not know the word “clay” either in French or in English. Out of grief, we bought bananas (they also make good masks) and went back, again stumbled about the unshaven guys and their cobblestones, on which lay a sign with crooked letters "GLYNA". In the evening, women from our group frightened their husbands with blue-green faces. And I had no one to scare.

Everything is calm in Medina

Medina, if anyone does not know, is the old part of the city in the Arab countries, usually surrounded by a wall. In the Medina there is a market, residential areas with narrow streets, mosques. Serves as a meeting place for their men and walks for our tourists.

It can be seen that the centuries-old tradition of cutting off hands for theft has ingrained itself into the Tunisian DNA molecule, so you can safely swing your bag and wallet. But on the other hand, the inhabitants of this country know a thousand other relatively honest ways of taking money. God forbid you to take from the hands of a seven-year-old boy (out of pity!) A dying rosebud. Then the kid will not leave you until he gets a dinar and a slap on the back of the head. Eyes filled with puppy longing will accompany you from everywhere where you could leave a tip, but because of greed did not.

The mosque is open for visits on any day except Friday until noon. But you need to come there, as in an Orthodox church, dressed in uniform: shoulders, legs and head must be covered.

Knowing my habit of walking like a cat-walking-by-itself, my friend volunteered to accompany me on my forays into Medina. As a representative of the stronger sex, he could not stand the visits to the market - seasickness began. And then, under the slogan “Where Ksenia is, there are adventures,” I took the initiative to get lost in the city. This, you know, is a favorite feature of many inexperienced tourists - without a map, guide, knowledge of the language, and in the late afternoon start wandering through unfamiliar streets in the hope of getting on TV at least in the criminal chronicle.

Apparently, in a state of passion, my "escort" agreed. We wandered through the streets, the width of which did not exceed a meter, looked through the wrought-iron bars into the windows (yes, yes, this is uncivilized, but very interesting!), photographed the doors (and this is the main and most significant part of the house of the average Tunisian). Everything was peaceful until we met two peasants who looked like bastards. One of them, without a microscope, saw tourists in us and vividly in good English began to talk about the time when the city was built, about the wars, about the meaning of the symbols on the walls. With my super-intuition, I decided to thank the Tunisian with a dinar.

But it turned out that it was not so easy to get rid of him.

- No, what are you, I'm a true Muslim. Money is evil. With all my heart I want to show you my favorite city.

Since I tend to believe in everything pure and good in people, of course, I immediately gained confidence in our self-proclaimed guide. But my companion tightly pressed his bag and camera to his chest.

- Do you want me to take you to the mosque? Moreover, you are dressed properly,- continued the man. - You just have to hurry, at 5 people will come to the mosque to pray.

To the mosque? With pleasure! The fact that the clock was already three, I somehow decided not to notice. Then we ran up and down the streets, moving farther and farther from the central mosque, our guide encouraged us to move faster.

Finally, we ran to a building. The man threw a handkerchief over me and shoved it inside.

“Now they will marry me,” I thought doomedly.

We passed by some women.

- This is a Muslim family from Russia- cheerfully blurted out a Tunisian, pointing at me and my friend.

“They have already given me away and even changed my faith. And it's only 20 minutes."

- Now take off your shoes.- commanded our escort.

“Then the shoes will be stolen. Or they will hide here and demand a ransom,” I stated.

Then he led me to the women's part of the mosque, through the hole I looked where the men were praying, touched some relic from Mecca, knelt down, folded my hands like a boat. When I put on my shoes, I felt better.

- From you 20 dinars for the development of the mosque,- the peasant said with warmth in his voice, escorting us out the door. And, you know, we easily gave them away. :)))

fairy treasures

Few people go to the Medina to take a look at how the locals live or go to the mosque to pray. Usually tourists are looking for what kind of souvenirs to appease family members and friends. The Eastern Bazaar is the Eastern Bazaar: merchants will “grab your hand”, shout loudly, slip marriage, etc. If you are ready for the local specifics, you can have fun and buy unusual things (although purchases can only be made for dinars, I will give prices in dollars).

First of all, these are carpets. If you think that carpets are designed to collect dust and moths, then find a shop where a quiet woman slowly ties knots, give her a dinar and sit next to her, ask her to show you how to hold a thread, let her comb and cut still unfinished product. Smell how real wool smells, consider natural shades, run your hand over the carpet.

Let the merchants lay out before you more and more paths with different pile heights and patterns exactly until you fall in love with these intricate patterns and the aroma of comfort. Carpet track 2 by 5 meters will cost about $ 300. And this is without bargaining. Another miracle of Tunisian carpets is that they are folded and tamped into a small square bundle. So measure the walls and floors of your apartment in advance.

Jewelry can be found on every corner. "Silver-gold" at starting prices will cost, as in any jewelry store in Russia. Of course, you will not find 925 samples on the streets. But on the other hand, you will see motives that are peculiar only to the Arab world. For example, a symbol of happiness, health and family well-being is the hand of Fatima. There are many interpretations of what it means. But I like the one that one merchant said: the thumb is me, the little finger is my soulmate, the index finger is mom, the ring finger is dad, and the middle one is happiness. And they should all be together. For 10-30 dollars you can buy any intricate little thing made of silver.

Of course, there is an abundance of scarves in Tunisia. 5-15 dollars - and it's yours. A medium-sized ceramic plate will cost the same amount. And a set of spices with a dwarf bottle of olive oil to boot.

Personally, I bought a costume for oriental dances, although Tunisia is not considered the birthplace of all sorts of shaking and parallel passages. I went around dozens of shops and stores, and eventually bought a model with an embroidered belt, bustier and scarf for $35. But this thing, however, belongs to the category of "do it yourself": it took me many hours to bring the costume to mind - the quality of many goods leaves much to be desired.

It is also advised to bring hookahs from Tunisia. But I am not interested in them and do not understand, so I can not give advice.

I thought for a long time what gift to bring to one close person - a Muslim by religion. The guides called to help offered a wide variety of options, until one of them dawned on - the KORAN!

With predatory eyes, I wandered around the Medina, looking for Korans, until I came across something that vaguely looked like a bookstore.

- Is it Korans? - I rushed to the shelves.

The seller rushed to cross me, as if to an embrasure, covering the sacred books with his body:

- Do not touch!

I slowed down.

- You are muslim?

- Not.

- Then get out of here.

- I want to buy a gift for a friend, he is a Muslim.

The merchant relaxed a little and continued the interrogation on the topic where I came from and where and why there are Muslims in Russia. Finally, with trepidation, he took out a small Koran from the box:

- Look, it's real. Just don't touch with your hands.

I ended up buying a Koran and a pair of rosaries. Sacred books are sold at no extra charge, so bargaining is inappropriate.

If you don't want to be molested, pretend to be European or American. In front of them, the Tunisians hold their faces and do their best to show how cultured they are. But it is better to make purchases in the "Russian guise", because "Russia is a non-capitalist, Russia is poor, keep the discount." Tunisians and Russians are brothers forever.

Bonus!

And now the promised rules of bargaining, for the sake of which you read the previous 14 thousand characters of printed text.

• Rule one. Before diving into the market, go around the souvenir shops to ask the price: the same goods can be bought from merchants for 20-30% cheaper. Tunisians, Turks and Egyptians, of course, are reckless, but not to the point of giving away goods for nothing and for your beautiful eyes.
• Rule two. Having chosen a victim (naturally, a man, because it is pointless to bargain with women), smile charmingly so that the seller does not have the feeling that you are a gangster who takes away everything that is acquired by overwork. Examine the thing carefully, praise it in moderation (if you can, find a small flaw that supposedly prevents you from buying it at the offered price), and then name your price - half the indicated price.
• Of course, the merchant will be indignant, they say, this is a robbery in broad daylight, go look for such a good thing. And you, of course, put this insanely good thing back and supposedly go in search of the one that is better. But you make all movements smoothly and slowly, so that the seller has time to slightly reset the cost. If you lack drive and patience, you can get money. But it’s better to kindly look around the shop, name the price a little higher than the one you announced the first time, and start backing towards the exit. The merchant will understand that you are ready to play “deceive me if you can” with him (a traditional game with any purchase), but now you suddenly leave, and he will miss such entertainment, and it’s still far from the evening, and in general he hasn’t sold anything yet.
• You must leave so slowly that all of the above thoughts have time to place in the head of the seller. Then he will shout out a lower amount after you. "No, no, thanks!" - you politely look around and continue to crawl away from his bench. Let him still scream, worry that now he will be left without such a valuable shot with a wallet like you. Of course, you are also seized with jitters that now the seller will lose interest in you. Maybe go back before it's too late?
• To calculate the optimal distance from you to the shop, which affects the price drop, the third rule will come in handy. Remember, the best value will be either at the turn, or at the place where you are about to disappear out of sight. If you have already decided to buy, then do not miss the chance! Run! Run back to the shop, grab the souvenir you like, pay the money and run away until the seller realizes that he lost and sold cheap.

09.03.2010.

Psychologist's advice: Trusting relationship with mom

Mom and daughter are two women, the two closest people. But even they find it difficult to understand each other. After all, relationships are not only the correct educational process on the part of the parent, but also the child's ability to hear and accept advice from the elder.

Being inside some kind of relationship, it can be extremely difficult to understand your mistakes, overcome conflicts and find a common language. The school teacher in this situation is an outside observer: by regularly communicating with children, she better understands their inner world, and as an adult, she knows what expectations a mother has from her daughter. That is why the teacher is able to harmonize the relationship between them. On the eve of the women's holiday, Always Academy recommends touching on the topic of trusting relationships both with parents - at the parent meeting, and with teenage girls - at the classroom hour.

The basis of the formation of gender is to find a common language between two representatives of the same sex, but of different generations. In her article "Mother and daughter - a difficult balance," psychoanalyst Karin Bell says that at the first menstruation, the girl realizes herself as a woman and future mother. And depending on what kind of relationship she has with her mother, she will accept this role with joy or will give up her femininity.

With the onset of menarche, each girl realizes that she is now like her mother in everything (in fact, the first menstruation marks the achievement of physiological adulthood and the ability to give birth to children). At this moment, there should be a re-rapprochement with the mother, but not as a parent and child, but as two women, two friends, two equal people. A girl can accept a changing body and its new functions (and thereby join the continuity of the female line in the family) only in the case of trusting contact, and not rivalry.

Despite the desire to move away, corresponding to a transitional age, the girl counts on maternal support in many areas of her life. However, she often "replaces" her with some adult, most often idealized, aunt, teacher, actress, or turns to her "best friend", who turns into an adviser on all issues. At the same time, not all adults are able to realize the share of their responsibility for the fact that the child begins to seek advice on the side. As a result, both parties fall into a trap: the mother deprives herself of the opportunity to share her life experience, thereby gradually controlling her child, and the daughter risks following an unreliable recommendation.
In such situations, the authority of a school teacher can help to impress both the parent and the girls that the first step is taken by the one who is wiser and more courageous, the one who understands how important trusting communication in the family is.
So, for teenage girls, it is important to convey that from adolescence it is no longer possible to demand one-sided understanding from the mother. Moms get tired at work, get sick - you need to learn to feel your mother's condition and look for an approach to her. Help around the house, sympathy, interest in mother's problems, the desire to learn more about her as a person, together to remember her childhood and adolescence will create an excellent basis for mutual understanding and sharing a unique female experience.
Adults should not forget that a daughter is a separate person, and not their property, and therefore the tastes of mother and daughter for clothes or young people may differ. And in order to give advice to which the daughter will subsequently listen, one must know her interests and needs well. And here there is nothing better than asking the daughter as much as possible as an equal, as an adult about what she wants.

"Always Academy" is sure that the upcoming holiday on March 8 can serve as a good opportunity for each of them to take the first step towards each other.

Aksinya Doronina, Clinical Psychologist, Always Academy

Take care of the future!

A good education, careful mate selection, and healthy eating are long-term investments in well-being: even decades later, they affect your self-esteem and success. There are other, less obvious investments in a happy future - these are psychological skills, thanks to which you will easily step over difficulties and achieve your goals. So, before you're 30, learn to...

To be alone

If you want to know a person deeper, including yourself, live with him. Only in this way will you understand how to recognize your desires and negotiate with your inner voice when it blames you for all the troubles or demands a nightly portion of french fries. If you remain calm when you find yourself alone, you are not threatened with an affair out of desperation or the loss of personal boundaries in a relationship.

Show resilience

Martial arts training begins with the ability to fall correctly. This skill will also come in handy in the struggle for a place in the sun. If fate tripped you up or pushed you off the beaten path, don't wallow and count emotional trauma, but quickly jump up. Endurance and a positive attitude are especially useful after 30 years, when the burden of responsibility is greater and the stakes for each decision are higher. Read books on positive psychology and focus on positive experiences more often to develop the habit of seeing life in bright colors.

Communicate with ease

Most often, success does not depend on accumulated knowledge or useful connections, but on the ability to clearly express thoughts, quickly make contact, and confidently express an opinion. Follow the etiquette of business correspondence, delay sending an angry email, be polite to strangers, and your unofficial rating will increase significantly. And the talent to make a good first impression will open the doors of companies for you more than once or help you establish relationships.

Respect those who are not like you

More than once you will come across people who dislike you: those who believe in UFOs, refuse meat or watch Dom-2 - in general, they act not-rightly! Do not rush to re-educate them, but ask yourself who authorized you to decide for others what is good and what is bad. If the interlocutor's views do not threaten your life, try to understand them. This position saves you a lot of nerves and at the same time expands your horizons.

Ask and ask

Many careers and relationships have been shattered by the iceberg of stubborn silence. If your partner is dissatisfied with something, specify the reason. If you want a promotion, learn how to get it. If you need help, do not try to cope on your own, you will not be made a holy martyr for this. Willingness to trust and rely on others after 30 years becomes the main energy-saving resource.

Manage money and time

After 20, you gradually realize that there is not eternity ahead. The ability to choose people and activities will help you not fall into a midlife crisis, because you will not have regrets about mediocre missed opportunities. In financial spending, focus on big goals (study, travel), which will open new horizons for you. Then you can easily deny yourself minute whims like takeaway coffee or cheap jewelry.

Expand your horizons

In today's world, the amount of information is doubling every 18 months. And in order to be known as a sensible person and a competent employee, it is necessary to improve qualifications once in the same period. Regular intellectual activity is useful as a prevention of Alzheimer's disease (the first signs of which sometimes appear at the age of 40) and as a way to learn from the mistakes of others.

When we fall in love, the entire boundless universe shrinks for us to one person - the beloved. We want to be the best for him. And there is no task that we could not solve, and no obstacle that we could not overcome. We are capable of much for him and for being together. And sometimes we do things that we ourselves do not expect ...

Anna, 22

We started talking with Anton at the beginning of last year on a dating site. He was 5 years older than me. We corresponded for weeks and eventually agreed to meet. We first met in a cafe. I liked him right away. We chatted for a long time about everything in the world - about studies, work, about what happened in everyday life. So we tried to get to know each other a little. After we said goodbye and went home, only 20 minutes passed, and I already received an SMS, the meaning of which was that he fell in love and wants me to become his wife. Of course, I laughed at this, but in the end we still began to meet. A handsome guy, smart, educated, well-mannered, with a higher education, works as a policeman - how can one not fall in love? On weekdays we spent a lot of time together, and on weekends I stayed with him. Then somehow imperceptibly it turned out that all my things ended up at his house. We began to live together, although this topic was not even discussed specifically. Everything happened spontaneously. Anton lived with his parents and brother. I really liked them, and it was mutual, we quickly found a common language. After some time, my beloved invited me to visit his grandparents outside the city. Fortunately for me, they also accepted me easily. Everyone told him in chorus how wonderful I was and that I really needed to marry. “Yes, not to marry such a sin!” - it seemed to me then. I was the happiest, I needed only him. We lived in perfect harmony, understood each other, made plans: we wanted to have a gorgeous wedding in the future, many children, we wanted to buy separate housing in order to start building our new, family life.

After some time, I began to notice that when Anton was at home, he either turned off his mobile phone or did not leave it for a second, he always carried it with him. I tried several times to ask him about the reasons, but I heard the answer “it is turned off so that they don’t get it at work” or “I carry it with me to play.” I believed and thought it was true. But one day he just forgot to turn off the phone, and suddenly, before my eyes, a new SMS appeared on the display with unexpected content: “Darling, how are you? When you get home, write. I love you!" Naturally, the SMS came from a "male" name, the number was unfamiliar to me. Of course, I was shocked and immediately began to ask Anton questions. How could this happen? Who could write him such tender text messages? Anton replied that it was probably a mistake friend. I trusted him infinitely, so I believed in this stupid excuse. She believed that loved ones can not be doubted. It seemed that we forgot this situation, but one day Anton confessed to me that that ill-fated SMS was indeed addressed to him. It turned out that at the time when we communicated with him on the Internet, in parallel he met another girl. Allegedly, she is very influential and she has many connections that could be useful to him in the service. And you need to "twist her brains" in order to benefit for yourself. And this girl fell in love with him, so she writes such tender SMS. I loved him so much that I believed those words again and forgave him.

But then it got worse, I felt that he needed it, only because it was convenient and did not require anything. I took on some household chores: I cooked dinners for everyone, constantly drove his parents to the dacha, helped in building a house for his family. After some time, using social networks, I figured out the girl who sent Anton SMS, rated her photos and came to the conclusion that he could be interested in her only if she really had some insanely important connections ...

But I was constantly tormented by conjectures, imagined incredible stories of his betrayals, in which I began to believe. Falling asleep, I did not stop thinking about this deception and about the relationship between Anton and that girl. Is he really cheating on me with her?! I started to see the trick in everything. If someone called, I automatically shuddered and thought that it was the same girl calling. When he left for work and stopped answering calls, referring to "urgent matters", I went crazy with jealousy. I became a real paranoid.

At the end of the summer, we rested at the dacha with Anton's parents. He had a gun with him, and he suggested that I go into the woods to shoot some cans. Why not? And on the way, a conversation began, in which he openly stated that he needed that same girl for a reason, and if he wanted to, he would easily leave me and go to her, despite the fact that we had already decided to have a wedding (according to our plans it was supposed to take place in just a month and a half). At that moment the gun was in my hands. I don’t know what happened to me, but with the words: “So that your conscience and life will torture you later,” I shot myself in the temple. It was a Makarov pistol with a 9 mm bullet. I shot with absolute confidence, I had no doubt that I would die and that no problem would bother me anymore. I didn’t want to suffer anymore from this disgusting attitude of a loved one towards myself, from betrayal and from the feelings that ate me from the inside.

I vaguely remember what happened to me after the shot. All that remained in my memory was that I screamed, held my head and constantly repeated the same word: "it hurts." I never thought about suicide, but then I was sure: if he leaves, I will die anyway! Anthony called an ambulance. By the time the doctors arrived, I was already in a coma. And when I woke up in the hospital (I spent almost a week unconscious), I saw my mother. All this time she was there and took care of me. I felt a hell of a pain, it was unbearable. The first thing I asked was: “How is my beloved? He is OK?" Even then, I never stopped thinking about him. Although my own condition was very difficult. The right side of my face was shattered by a shot, all the bones were restored to me. And I lost my right eye ... But at that moment I did not know this, and no one could dare to tell me this. When the doctors confessed, I was horrified.

Even before this tragedy, I was repeatedly told that I was born in a shirt. The bullet hit the brain along the edge of the temple, the damage was very strong. The doctors said that my condition was like a shell shock after the explosion. This unfortunate bullet ricocheted from the right temple down to the cheek, and then back up to the bridge of the nose, thereby gouging out the eye. After the shot, the eye just hung on the muscles on the cheek ... This is a nightmare. The bullet lodged in the bone between the eyes. The doctors wanted to perform a craniotomy in order to get it out and cut off the part of the brain that was most damaged, but at the last moment they changed their minds. The bullet is still in my head. In general, it is surprising that in some magical way I was able to come to my senses. I was prophesied to sit for the rest of my life in a semi-conscious state. I had to become a vegetable that can't and doesn't want to do anything. But I managed to get out. When I was discharged, the doctors gave me a standing ovation. Because with such wounds they die immediately, and I have lost only an eye and have the opportunity to live on. In my case, one of the attending physicians wrote a dissertation. I was unable to collect the brain scan because it was attached to the completed scientific work. In the hospital, I thought a lot about what had happened. I could not believe that I had shot myself and that there was nothing to fix. Why did I, a fool, commit such a thoughtless and terrible act, thereby crippling my life and others? She made not only herself suffer, but also the closest people - her parents. And I also thought about my future, about how I could continue to live without an eye. I had no idea what it would be like not to be 100% healthy at 20, and I was very scared. I was also worried that I would no longer be able to drive a car, and I have been driving since I was 17 years old. I couldn't imagine my life without driving. After all, I went to school, to work every day and did not believe that I would have to do without it.

I was in the hospital for a long time, spent a lot of effort and money on recovery. Of course, I hurt my parents greatly by my act. I can't imagine what they had to go through. Friends, thank God, did not turn away, on the contrary, they supported and helped me in every possible way, not only morally, but also financially. They knew that I really loved Anton very much, and his actions slowly drove me crazy. This is what caused me to do it.

While I was in the hospital, the person I loved more than life never showed up. Although he wrote in SMS that he loves me, that I will definitely become his wife. But at the same time, he called my mother and asked if I was still alive, and wondered how now it would be possible to live with me, so terrible? Even the neighbors, they say, will be ashamed to seem.

I returned home, gradually recovered, after a couple of months I got a prosthetic eye, and even got a job. Almost until the end of autumn, Anton called and wrote to me, swearing that he loved more than life and that I was only him, and that was forever. A couple of times he even came to my house: he looked to see if I remained the same terrible or became a little better. Then he admitted that while I was in the hospital, he began to live with that same girl. He boasted that he had already prepared a ring for her for the New Year and was preparing for an engagement. It is terrible to remember what a blow it was for me. Only yesterday a man swore love to you, and today he is going to marry another.

Of course, I understood that with a crippled appearance it would be difficult for me to establish a personal life. But I gathered my strength and decided that I would arrange my life the way I want and prove that I can be the happiest. Partly to spite him. After all, it was not in vain that I survived, contrary to statistics, according to which most people who put a bullet in their temple die instantly. The ferris wheel stopped, and I was freed from the hell in which I could be for a long time. After all, who knows what could happen next in our relationship? I understand that my beauty can not be returned. Because I wanted to shoot myself, no one felt better.

I met my current young man, Andrei, on one of the social networks, it was unexpected, he found me himself and decided to chat. But in my profile there were old photos that were taken before the incident. I immediately decided to warn him that my appearance is not like that now. She lied only that it all happened because of a car accident. After all, accidents happen often, but I didn’t want to immediately shock him by telling him everything as it is. Then Andrei nevertheless found out the truth and told me to forget all this and try to start life from scratch. And he doesn't care how I look. He loves and appreciates me not for appearance. I work, drive a car and live an absolutely normal and, most importantly, happy life! Lack of an eye is not a reason to give up, avoid communication, other people, close yourself from the world and suffer. People live without legs, without arms, but they are happy, smile and sometimes feel much better than healthy people without external defects. It's all about how we treat ourselves and our lives. I am often asked if I regret what I did. And I confidently answer yes. I regret that because of such a low and vile traitor, I remained disabled for life. If I had been more reasonable, I would have simply left him. And by shooting myself in the head, I only showed my weakness and stupidity. But I don't want to spend my whole life blaming myself or anyone else, constantly looking back.

My ex-young man realized that I went to someone else - someone who was not afraid of my injuries and has really sincere feelings for me. Almost daily, he calls and begs to remain friends. But I don't need it anymore! I am happy and try to make every day as bright as possible, no matter what! No matter how strong love may seem, nothing and no one is worth your life. The main thing is to always remain a person, albeit offended and disappointed. But don't hurt yourself because of someone. It's not worth it! Now I am absolutely sure that happiness always finds someone who deserves it. The main thing is to be able to let go of the past and forgive.

Usually, with age, memories of childhood are distorted: dates shift, some facts are erased, emotional ties with events weaken. Therefore, many mothers forget about what problems they worried about in adolescence, and are not able to see the repetition of the same experiences in their daughters. In addition, parents are sometimes dismissive of "children's" complexes, quite reasonably believing that the causes that cause them will soon pass. But girls, having felt changes in their body for the first time, do not know about the temporality of suffering, therefore, any jokes about their complaints about pain in growing breasts, incomprehensible discharge, acne are perceived as an insult and a manifestation of misunderstanding. Incorrect behavior of the mother can lead to the perpetuation of a distorted idea of ​​\u200b\u200bher own unattractiveness and create a distance in communication. There are a number of mistakes made by adults that girls most often complain about when they turn to a psychologist.
No questions about the menstrual cycle. Adolescence is filled with agonizing expectation, everything happens for the first time. And, of course, the key moment of the transition to a new status is the onset of the menstrual cycle. Sometimes mothers believe that the discussion of this topic can be skipped, they say, the daughter knows where the gaskets are in the house, let them use them when the time comes. But the girl is waiting for attention, explanations about intimate hygiene and buying her own pads, for example, such as Always Ultra or Always Classic, which provide comfort with a soft top layer and protection against leaks, and are also very popular among teenagers.
Ignoring the need to buy underwear. Of course, for a parent, an 11-13-year-old daughter is still just a child. Therefore, the mother does not consider breasts that have grown to size zero as a reason to buy a bra, and the girl is afraid to ask. As a result, a teenager becomes an object of harassment by boys and suffers bullying from girls whose parents took care of purchasing women's toilet details. A daughter desperately needs to feel like an adult and should not be deliberately held back as a child. Buying the first bra should be for her a pleasant and memorable ritual of initiation into a girl, after which she will be proud of her forms. If a mother picks up several options for her daughter (lace underwear, push up, smooth with tabs, etc.), then the girl will see in this not only respect for her needs, but also a transition to a new - friendly - level of communication.
Prohibition on the use of hygiene and cosmetic products. It is hard to imagine that modern women are not aware of the need to apply deodorants, remove excess hair on their legs, take care of their hair and apply cosmetics. But for some reason, many mothers live by the stereotypes of their grandmothers, forbidding their daughters to use a razor (since this allegedly increases hair growth on their legs), apply cosmetics (due to the fact that it can age the skin) and monitor the condition of hair and skin (in mainly due to unjustified savings). During the period of hormonal restructuring of the body, the smell of sweat is sharper than in adulthood, acne appears, the first hairs on the body (sometimes not only on the legs, but also on the face), and appearance for 12-17-year-olds plays a key role. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the mother to correctly select youth products and teach her daughter how to use them, showing by her own example how to remove makeup and shave the armpits (yes, these actions, banal from the point of view of an adult, cause girls a lot of questions and fears).
In psychology, there is the concept of “zone of proximal development”. And although it refers to pulling up mental development after training, it is also appropriate to use it when it comes to the interaction of parents and daughter: conversations, purchases, the level of responsibilities should go 1-2 years ahead compared to her current level. Communication taking into account the potential of the girl will allow her to become self-confident in the future, satisfied with her appearance, responsible, able to find a common language with the woman around her. Isn't that the goal of every parent? "Always Academy" wishes all mothers to build a trusting relationship with their daughters and make them the closest friends.

Aksinya DORONINA, Clinical Psychologist, Always Academy
[email protected]