From relations of respect, mutual understanding, love and harmony, they turn into relations of mutual intolerance and banal cohabitation.

She is sure that no one needs him, she has known him for a long time, knows all his shortcomings and has seen only shortcomings for a long time. His good qualities do not fall into the field of her attention, she simply ignores them. He is not ideal, but she is not ideal either - each with its own shortcomings and advantages.

She has a low opinion of his appearance and believes that "who would covet such a thing."
She does not have a high opinion of his professional qualities, he now works separately and she is simply not aware of his official success.

Moreover, she is sure that he should be grateful to her that she found him this job.

What about the husband? He was grateful for the work. But another woman appeared in his life, who saw in him something that Svetlana had not noticed for a long time. And the man, as they say, "floated" - he again received attention and care, and he himself, with pleasure, took care, because his care was also needed.

One fine day, he left. Svetlana took it as nothing, she would come running back. Who can bear it but me.

And he filed for divorce. And soon he got married. That was a real hit! Because this is the final break. Because it turned out that he was very much needed by someone.

Sveta was very upset by this, she was offended, hurt, bitter and humiliating. She herself valued her husband very low, in her mind he was already a worthless person and she was sure that no one needed him.

Not to say that she really needed him, but the presence of a husband is the status of a married woman, i.e. she is in demand as a woman.

And suddenly, it turns out that no, this is not so, she is not needed even by such, in her opinion, a worthless person, like her husband. This is a strong blow to self-esteem.

Who is right and who is to blame in this situation - I am not a judge, but I think that each of them has a share of his guilt in the fact that their family broke up.

It turned out that he now has a new family, now he is happy, what will happen next - it is not known, everything is in his hands. Maybe he will learn from his first marriage and not make the same mistakes, or maybe not.

She is one to this day, although 8 years have passed. At first she was sure that she would find a replacement for him very quickly, but for some reason no one was willing. From the consciousness of her uselessness to anyone, she only became more painful.

I think that she needs to understand how and when and why it happened that they became strangers to each other and lived together by inertia.

But even now she has not changed her opinion and attitude towards her ex-husband. She still sees only his mistakes. Yes, life goes on, she got into the habit of living with that pain.

But you can rethink your actions, see your mistakes, work with these mistakes. Maybe then her life will also change and there will be a person who will see all the good that she has been hiding for so long in the depths of her wounded soul.

Here is such a story.

It only remains for me to add that family relationships are based on love, mutual respect, trust, willingness to take responsibility for these relationships.

I think that many saw something from their relationship.

• What do you think of this story?
• What would you do in Svetlana's place?
• What are your impressions of what you heard?

Write about it in the comments, because your opinion can help.

I wish you love and happiness!

P.S. If you liked or found this article helpful, please rate the article on a 5-point scale. And share with your friends on social networks. Thank you.

They lived happily together for 30 years and ended their marriage in divorce. Judging by the statistics of registry offices, most family stories in Russia end like this - only the period of life together is different. Out of 1,000 marriages, 700 break up. Last week, the president of the country entered this statistic by announcing that he and his wife were breaking off relations. But 30 years of marriage is no joke. And divorces at such a time are not uncommon. We talked with psychologists Kirill Khlomov (Crossroads psychological center) and Vyacheslav Moskvichev (Culture of Childhood Foundation) about whether there are features and patterns in such “age-related” separations.

A person who has never divorced in his life is a rarity, says family consultant Vyacheslav Moskvichev.

It's true: I, Vyacheslav himself, and Kirill Khlomov, my second interlocutor, all have this experience. But it is generally accepted that marriage is always good, and divorce is always bad, and the first question that psychologists are asked on this topic is: why do people get divorced? It is clear that each couple will find their own reason or write the trivial “characters did not agree”. And yet, what exactly needs to be lost in order, after living a common life for many years, to admit: everything is over?

By and large, there are only three reasons for which family relationships are maintained, says Kirill Khlomov. - The first - if people can get joint pleasure. No matter what: from sex, from power, from travel or joint meditation. The second reason is joint development. When one partner develops another. Ideally, both. It is bad when this development is imposed. For example, one develops the other "into power, into publicity", but the partner does not want this. If we consider the president's divorce as an example, it is possible that Lyudmila Putina just did not want such a "development". And the third reason, the most common, is the joint upbringing of children. But when the children grow up, the spouses do not have a common field of activity. And it really looks like the completion of a project: goals have been achieved, but new meanings have not been found.

Family psychologists, of course, do not advise divorce at every opportunity, and even, on the contrary, they call for saving the family, seeking compromises and finding common themes and values ​​that will help develop relationships. But if it becomes clear that there are no internal resources to save the family, divorce is the best solution. Including for children.

Divorce is a civilized designation of changes in relationships, Khlomov says. - And marriage is not a way of owning a person. But in our country, despite the statistics of divorces, people do not know how to disperse. Firstly, it is scary, and secondly, it is condemned by society. In the eyes of society, a stable marriage is a sign of decency and trustworthiness of a person. Especially if this person holds a high position. Thus, the reasons that keep spouses together are not internal, but external. Which sometimes creates unbearable tension in the family. And if it comes to divorce, it turns out to be bloody.

Crises of family life have long been described, although they are as conditional as a midlife crisis: the first year - disappointment in a partner is possible, three years - they could not establish relationships, seven years - the question is decided whether there are children and, if so, how to educate, ten years - accumulated fatigue from each other. After 20 years of living together - the children have grown up, old age is on the nose - more and more often the question arises in my head: “Why do I really live, what do I spend my years on, of which there are not so many left ?!” And the thought of divorce as the beginning of a new life, a new youth seems to be a solution to the problem and gives a feeling of immortality: everything can be started all over again. It doesn't have to be old.

Vyacheslav Moskvichev names three risk factors for marriage “in 30 years”: children leaving home, financial well-being and meeting “the real one, the one you have been looking for all your life” - a person often younger who gives hope: life can be lived anew. That is one more time.

Moreover, money plays a very important role here, - emphasizes Moskvichev. - God forbid, strong material stability, and even worse - wealth, and it seems to a person that he is omnipotent, can fix everything and fix everything by providing financially for his ex-wife and children. Indeed, in our country, marriage is also a form of survival. Especially when the spouses enter retirement age and a joint pension makes it possible not to need old age to the extreme.

In general, “love to the grave” is a very complicated thing. Two extreme and harmful stereotypes are associated with it: everything is decided by fate, you need to choose “your person”. And if the marriage fell apart after 30 years, it means that there was not true love. Wrong, it turns out. Or vice versa: any relationship can be built if you do it right. As always, the truth is in the middle: you need to build correctly and with someone with whom it is still possible to do it. But people change throughout their lives. And - which is actually the main reason for the "age" divorce - change at different speeds.

In Russia, despite all the feminist fads, a man makes a career first of all, says Moskvichev. - But the whole family is working on its implementation. He begins to perceive himself differently, his environment changes, the degree of publicity, self-esteem, self-image. Often there is sharpness, intolerance. But the wife did not marry the boss, she knows another person. In women, the other direction is more often manifested. They are looking for spirituality: yoga, church, psychology courses, personal growth. As a result, they live parallel lives, they have different values ​​and a lot of loneliness. In order to somehow correlate these changes, energy and desire are needed.

A family cannot be built on one project, says Moskvichev. - The family is rather a team with many projects and the constant creation of new ones. If, after 30 years of marriage, a divorce occurs, most likely, this is only a fixation of what has already happened before. That is, strangers became gradually and, most likely, lost contact a long time ago.

However, even if the divorce is civilized and brings the desired liberation for both, it is always traumatic. And it feels like a loss.

A spouse is not just someone who lives nearby, he is a witness to life in the smallest details, ”explains Kirill Khlomov. - A person himself about his life can not remember everything like his companion. It was all real, and the partner's memory is like a document, like evidence. To lose it is to lose a part of yourself, even if the breakup itself brings relief. But it is impossible to get rid of something unnecessary without losing something important. Everything has its price.

Divorce should not lead to the depreciation of all long experience, adds Moskvichev. - I always ask divorcing spouses: “What would you take with you?”

The problem is also that high-ranking wives can hardly turn to a family psychologist: personal information is too closed, unless it will be a foreign psychologist.

What do you think it means for the country - in a psychological sense - the divorce of the president? I ask Khlomov.

On the one hand, officials who maintain relationships for the sake of status may decide to divorce. On the other hand, it is possible that stupid subordinates will begin to act like monkeys and fall like from a cornucopia of “honest deeds of real men” who “end their marriages” with old wives.

We have been married for more than 22 years, we met almost 25 years ago at the institute and met for about 3 years before marriage. And it turned out after a series of quarrels - he has a mistress for a long time. As he told me, soul and body with her and I want to build a relationship with her, I don’t know what my new life will be like and whether it will be at all, but I really want to be happy. His mistress worked with him, she was 14 years younger, never married, always positive, professional athlete, motorcycle racer and football player - the complete opposite of me. It already happened in our life, 12 years ago, then I asked him to sort things out and leave home, then my daughter was about 8 years old, but he returned a month later and we started (as it seemed to me) a new life. However, as time showed, he got bored again, I could not provide him with a drive. When this time I asked what he lacked, he replied - love. I explained to him that I love him very much, this feeling is different than in youth, it is all-encompassing, growing into the depths of consciousness and body and soul. Can’t it be a manifestation of love to take care of him (food was often served in bed, which was exclusively according to his taste and needs, foot massage, his interests were always taken into account, he had hobbies (bath, fishing, volleyball, etc.)?? He said that we have been together for too long and this is affection, but there is no love.It became impossible for me to breathe ... Then I realized that he did not love me .. He quit in November and since then he has only been looking for a meeting with his mistress her, he was annoyed with me, angry and long ruled out intimate relations with me.I cried, tried to talk with him, to which I received an answer - it’s impossible to poke at my own body. mistress .... Now it is very difficult for me to embark on an independent path. Old ties are torn (our friends are his childhood friends), a student daughter, a summer house, cars, housing issues - all decisions must be made by myself. It is not clear to ask him about helping Lily turn on pride.He loves his daughter very much, tries with n she needs to mend the relationship after he leaves, but she keeps her distance. When he left, he didn’t even tell me that he was leaving, he told his daughter about it, early in the morning we were still sleeping. He does not want to communicate with me and avoids me --- he says it hurts. He writes SMS to his daughter - how are you. While he lives in our free apartment, he took all his things away from us and already moved some of the things to her, they went to the resort, but after that he comes to his senses again at the apartment from the resort .. When I managed to talk to him at the beginning of his departure, he asked to let go and live like we can no longer, promised to help in everything (we are relatives, we have a daughter) and asked not to refuse his help. No help is offered right now. I don’t know whether to impose requests or never ask for anything and try to start an independent life. Of course, my health has deteriorated over these 2 months, and I have lost 10 kg, I cry every day, then I understand, then for my life. I am 45 years old, he is 46, his mistress is 32. Sometimes I think that I will always wait for him, sometimes I can’t, I have to put an end to it, but how? you can’t cut off your head, endless thoughts about him and about them. I understand that I have a daughter, my mother is aged, I need to pull myself together (you told me you are strong, I know you can handle it)

Crisis in family relationships 25 years - how to survive the crisis of the 25th year of marriage? What to do when all your dreams have already come true?

Sleepless nights with a baby are behind, work is permanent, a career is built, and a chic renovation is done at home. What's next? Is there life after the wedding of your own children? And why are so many marriages destroyed during this period, when both the Crimea and Rome are behind?

Empty Nest Syndrome

The most difficult period for loving parents is when their grown children flutter out of the nest. They grow up, go to study in another city, start families, build a career and an independent life. And, interestingly, only in Russian families this is experienced as a tragedy - in American and European families, 17-year-old teenagers are almost kicked out of the house - into adulthood. Therefore, overseas universities are usually located in special academic campuses, and none of the students come to classes directly from home. And after studying - the first earnings, a career, and all this only outside the parental home. What parents are very happy about, who finally began to live for themselves.

But in our native country, a poor mother will collect parcels for her overage child every weekend, put aside half of her salary so that he has something to live for, and after completing his last year, he will desperately pull to her and ask that her son or daughter build their career in quiet native village. Of course, the child does not agree and rushes to free bread in big cities, about which the parents lament for another year, and then resign themselves. But it’s bad if they continue to live only communication with children who have parted. After all, a child is just one of the stages of the family, and there is life after his entry into an adult.

Remember how you dreamed about rest and free time when you held a funny little man in sliders in your arms, when a fluffy naughty, sticking out his tongue, solved a math problem together with all his relatives, when a restless teenager had to be pulled out of a nightclub with his own hands. Well, now - freedom!

And Baba Yaga is against it!

It would seem, after everything experienced together, how can you even think about a divorce? It turns out you can. After all, by this turn of life together, the lion's share of women become simply unbearable: they itch, saw and saw their husband, while not respecting him for a long time. Of course, for so many years of his life, he already has a lot of sins and mistakes, and it’s very convenient to constantly reproach them. And himself - to put a weak, sick, sacrificing himself to the family. This is akin to a reminder of a debt, they say, I ruined all my youth for you: I washed, cooked, raised your children, and now it's time to pay the bills. Of course, not all women are so "insidious", but many of them do just that - just not consciously. But the patience of men is not unlimited.

Two friends meet
- How's your ulcer?
- She left for two weeks to her mother.

That is why at the turn of a silver wedding it often happens that the head of the family, a respectable husband and a caring father, packs his bags and goes into the arms of his new love. Which sees in him a Man, Beloved. And the old wife remains with nothing, as in an old fairy tale ...

How to avoid it? How not to lose love and a loved one with whom so many years have passed hand in hand? First, let go of the past. Don't let resentment ruin your life. Especially when half of it has already been completed. Now is the time to learn to forgive - after all, time changes everything and everyone, and, perhaps, the same "troublemaker and pea jester" that you married is now a real Prince. Years of love and responsibility for his family changed him, made him softer and kinder, more serious and solid. You just need to see it! Appreciate your loved ones for what they have done for you. Remember the good, live in the present.

Second honeymoon

Finding it hard to figure out what to do in retirement? The only thing that comes to mind is how to gnaw on your spouse in the evenings? There are other options. Just have the courage to consider them:

1. A long-awaited trip to your favorite lands

Not necessarily to Turkey - it can be mountains, the sea, a beautiful sanatorium, the birthplace of parents. The main thing is that the soul rests there. Well, the mountains do have the most powerful energy, giving a lot of strength and good mood.

2. Buying a country house

And even moving to a private one. This can solve family problems in many ways. Just don’t laugh it off that you are drawn to the earth towards old age - in fact, it is a cramped city apartment for 45-year-olds that becomes a real stress factor. Yes, and with retirement, you will so want to plant flowers, embroider curtains, dig a pond near the house and breed carps there - why not? Will where and grandchildren to come to frolic. Set such a goal for yourself - to buy a house, the children will help, and there will be no trace of boredom. And the common cause will surely unite you with your loved one.

3. Hobby

Did you know that your favorite hobby can even become a great source of income? After all, it is today, more than ever, that hand-made products are highly valued, i.e. made by hand. Why not do what you love, which you never had time for, and even open your own small home business? Yes, and it will be so pleasant to the soul that it is not the children who support you, but you still help them. And the mind, experience and skill will do their job!

"Life is beautiful when you create it yourself" Sophie Marceau

How to survive the crisis after the 25th year of marriage? The main thing - do not give up and do not let family life become overgrown with mud! You have been waiting for this golden period of freedom and self-realization all your life - so enjoy it!

Hello! My name is Svetlana, and I'm already quite a few years old (49), but I'm confused, I can't figure out my situation myself. Please help me see reality.

My story is this. We lived with my husband for 25 years, everything happened, but I thought that we had a happy marriage, and my husband and I would not part until our death. He was my first and only man. And so, four years ago, my husband fell in love with another woman and left, and he lives with that woman. He didn’t divorce me, however, until now ...

I literally died, probably for almost two years. I have nothing bad to say about my husband. I have a tiny salary and he, knowing this, still helps me financially. Although, all these years, we have never met him again ... And now, six months ago, I met a man who insists on a serious relationship with him. The man is my age.

And I don't know what to do next. If I was betrayed by a man whom I have known for a quarter of a century, then how can I trust a man whom I have only known for half a year? And yet, I can’t understand why I’m afraid to file for divorce myself? After all, in fact, our family broke up four years ago. I do not know what to do. I am all alone, I have an adult son who lives in another country ...
What can you advise me from the outside?
Sincerely, Svetlana

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

You are afraid to file for divorce because you are not ready for change.

Perhaps deep down you are afraid of being judged by some people. Maybe you were brought up in the key of "a woman is the keeper of the hearth." The logical consequence of such upbringing will be beliefs like: “if the husband left, then she is to blame” or something like that. You may find it difficult to adapt to the fact that everything in your life has changed.

Things have happened in your life that you didn't expect.

Good people break up mainly for one reason. And this reason is huge between partners. If one of the couple has gone far ahead in their development, and the second has remained at the same level, then parting in such situations is a matter of time. And not the fact that in your situation you are the losing side.

You have the opportunity to love again, to re-create relationships.

You are afraid to trust a new man because you expect "love for life." Do not set yourself such a goal. You absolutely do not need to immediately marry a new man. You are forty-nine years old, and no one will scold you for sexual relations without a stamp in your passport.

You can invite a man to build an emotional union.

For starters, you can only stop at stage 1 - emotional and sexual fidelity. You can just meet him, know the joy of intimacy. Perhaps you will discover a lot of new things, given that your ex-husband was your first and only man. Do not agree to live with him on the same territory until you make sure that he is a good lover and really has a deep feeling of love for you.

After you are sure that you are sexually suitable for each other, offer to slowly and gradually work out issues related to. Then, and only then, offer to move on to building the third stage, that is, try to live together in the same territory. And only if everything suits both of you, then conclude an agreement on the creation of marriage and a family. Pay special attention to building emotional intimacy and the ability to vary the psychological distance. This will allow you to learn how to maintain