Why didn't he call me back? Why didn't she laugh at my jokes? Why don't they want to meet and chat anymore? Have you ever felt like you did something wrong and sabotaged the conversation (or worse, the relationship)?

If we lived in an ideal world, we could evaluate our communication skills with the help of special equipment and get a detailed analysis. We could learn in detail about all our strengths as well as weaknesses, good habits and bad habits, even the style of our conversation.

Fortunately, you have a good friend who can always tell you what is wrong with the way you talk. Oh you don't have one? Don't worry, you are not alone. If we make mistakes in conversation, most of us will never know about it. People will simply decide to keep from communicating with us. And you can't do anything about it.

You may not have a friend or special equipment to point out your mistakes, but you can consider the most common issues during a conversation. By analyzing yourself, you can make sure that you will no longer ruin your conversations and relationships.

Let's take a closer look at the four main bad conversation habits.

1. Are you a parrot?

Do you think that you constantly paraphrase or repeat what your interlocutor has said to you? If he says "Great movie" are you saying "Yeah, that was a really great movie"? "Parrots" pretend that they are talking, but, in fact, they do not make any effort for this. They are more like an echo when they repeat after others.

If you find yourself constantly repeating after someone, try to add more personal opinion and significant remarks to your lines.

2. Are you an energy vampire?

You can tell compelling stories and speak your mind, but if you don't back it up with emotion, people may find you hard to listen to. Lack of emotion and energy during a conversation can ruin that conversation faster than any other bad habit. A good conversation should be lively, and the interlocutors should exchange energy at the same time. If energy is not coming from you, then most likely you are only absorbing it.

Think about how your voice is a rollercoaster for listeners. Are you creating a flat and boring ride? Try to make your roller coaster experience enjoyable for a specific audience. Change the speed, add accents, change intonation, and underline key words.

3. Are you a predictable storyteller?

The predictable narrator lives in a serious and literal world. If such a person is going to go to the kitchen, and you ask him where he is going, he will always answer: "To the kitchen." Everything that such people say is predictable, they are unable to surprise you with anything. Conversely, a playful narrator may answer a question in an unpredictable way, and you never know what to expect from him. This is how a conversation should be: playful and unpredictable.

Always train your mind to be able to come up with an unexpected answer in time. The next time someone asks you a question or comments on something, think about the answer so that it comes out playful and unpredictable (within reason). After that, use one of the remarks you made up and see what happens. You will be surprised.

4. Are you really a narcissist?

Narcissistic people love to talk about themselves the most. The only reason they would ask the other person how they spent their weekend is to turn the conversation back to themselves. They are likely to say something like, "That's good... but you won't believe what happened to me." Communication with such a person is unlikely to bring pleasure. Narcissists rarely take an interest in another person's affairs in a completely unselfish manner or ask additional questions. The main goal of a narcissist in any conversation is to prove to everyone around him that he is much better than the rest.

This is easy to fix if you are sincerely interested in the affairs of another person. If someone tells you about themselves, focus your attention on that person, ask leading questions and make comments that will show the other person that you are listening carefully.

How to turn the conversation in the right direction.

The first thing you need to turn the conversation in the direction you want is intelligence, at least not below average. And even better, if you are many times superior to the interlocutor, mentally.

In order to develop a beautiful and correct speech, you need to read a lot of fiction. Not necessarily classics, you can also unpretentious detective stories. I am absolutely sure that any fiction, even silly fiction, develops the brain better than the films that television broadcasts.

But, this is all, a kind of preparation for an interesting and exciting trip, the route of which is laid by you yourself. But what to do in practice? How to skillfully change the course of a conversation? How to translate the conversation in the right direction so that the interlocutor does not even lead a mustache about it?

Everything is very simple and difficult at the same time. In this case, jewelry precision is needed. You have to do everything subtly and smoothly. It is necessary to gradually bring the interlocutor to the topic that you want to discuss. If you suddenly interrupt the interlocutor and begin to interpret your own, then he, at a minimum, will consider you ignorant. And I think you don’t need this, especially if the further conversation should flow, so to speak, along a delicate channel.

Here is an example from my life. I needed to somehow ask one person for information about one girl, which, in my opinion, he owned. The information I needed to get was, so to speak, not for everyone. If I had asked him such a question directly, he might have simply sent me. Therefore, I came from afar. I started talking about other girls and told me something about them, about their behavior. At first I looked at how he reacted to this, and only then slowly led him to the topic I needed. I found out everything I wanted without asking him a single question about it.

If you want the conversation to go along your channel, then first create another channel flowing next to yours and at some point these two channels should merge together. Well, if your interlocutor is talking about an unpleasant topic for you, then you can simply tell him that this is not pleasant for you and you do not want to discuss it.

As a result, we can say that in order to learn how to translate a conversation in the direction you need, you first need to learn how to think quickly. You need to learn to draw in your head all the ways in which the conversation can go with its further development. Well, in order to learn all this, you need to practice - talk to people more often and try to translate the conversation in the right direction for yourself. I think that with experience you will develop your own scheme and method with which you can easily manipulate your interlocutor.

1. Pay close attention to the voice of your interlocutor.

If suddenly he starts talking faster, slower, or the timbre of his voice suddenly rises, turning almost into a cry - this means that they are trying to mislead or simply deceive you. Slurring, stammering, stammering, gibberish can also be characteristic signs of a liar.

2. Pay attention to the amount of detail in a conversation.

When a person’s speech is replete with small details (for example: “My mother now lives in Nizhny Novgorod. It’s very beautiful there. I really like being visiting her. And what kind of Kremlin is there.”) - know that someone wants to you believed in the veracity of his words.

3. The emotions of the interlocutor will also provide you with invaluable help in recognizing his lies.

The feelings and emotions of a deceiver are often too predictable. When a person instantly answers a question, he can tell a lie, because he has been waiting for this moment in advance and has rehearsed his reaction to it many times.

Another hallmark of a lie is the absence of important events and facts in the conversation. For example: "I left for work at 6 o'clock in the morning, and when I returned in the evening, he was already dead." Note that it does not say what the person was doing or where they were during the day. An attempt to hide the truth is obvious.

4. Analyze your opponent's response.

- A person who speaks the truth will never take a defensive position and prove his case. He doesn't need it. A liar, on the contrary, will desperately try to convince you of his words, avoid answering, respond with insults, etc.

A person who tells the truth does not react to provocations, responds to accusations with logical reasoning with an abundance of comments. The liar is afraid of getting confused in his own words, so he has no choice but to stubbornly repeat what has already been said and insist on his own.

An honest and truthful answer, as a rule, follows after a short reflection. To tell the truth, you do not need to delve into memories - it is already hanging on the tongue. But, the more a person lies, the more difficult it is for him to follow the thread of his reasoning, since he most of all does not want to be in a situation where he will contradict himself. That is why a long pause after a question is a 100% signal of an upcoming lie in return. This can often be seen in political debates, isn't it? But be careful - looking away or moving them down most likely means that the person is just trying to remember the details.

5. Do not lose sight of the manner of speech of the interlocutor. He is lying if:

- Repeats the same turns of speech when answering questions.

Avoids answering by answering a question with a question, or tries by all means to delay his answer, asking to repeat the question. Again, politicians often use these tricks, using memorized sentences like "my answer will depend on what you mean", "that's a good question", "what would you do if you were me?" etc.

Avoids statements and emphasizes negative particles of speech, such as "not", "never", "no one" ... This is a clear attempt to hide the truth and make the interlocutor believe in his innocence.

Responds with incoherent words that do not provide any necessary information, or incomplete phrases.

Instead of a direct answer, he tries to laugh it off or, in a difficult case for him, switches to sarcasm.

Abuses the expressions "as if", "actually", "I'll be brief", "to be honest" and the like. Do not forget that an instant answer or an exact repetition of a question in an answer are very characteristic features of a liar.

6. Repetition of already spoken words.

In the case when you notice that your interlocutor begins to repeat the same sentences, be sure that they are trying to lie to you. When a lie is invented in advance, the liar easily betrays it with memorized sentences. Use the following trick: during the conversation, "accidentally" ask a question that has already come out of your mouth, and be sure that the liar will answer with the same words he has memorized.

7. Sudden transfer of the topic of conversation in a different direction.

An interlocutor who tells a lie will always try to move on to another topic. Stay alert when you hear something along the lines of: "I wanted to go home, but here on the road... Hey, do you have a new haircut or not? Does it suit you."

Like all people, liars are well aware that everyone loves compliments. When you have almost figured out a liar, do not be surprised if they begin to shower you with compliments. All a liar wants to do is to lull your guard and turn the conversation to an abstract topic. Resist the temptation, because a person rarely praises someone just like that, out of the goodness of his soul.

Mistakes in Conversations: Learning to Communicate Correctly

Not everyone is given oratorical skills, the ability to convince and the talent to be an interesting conversationalist. It would seem that it's okay if public speaking and constant negotiations are not included in the scope of your duties at work.

But communication is an integral part of our life. Not knowing how to conduct a conversation, you can face many problems: lack of friends, bad relationships in the team, misunderstanding with parents, spouses, children. There are a number of common mistakes that people very often make in conversations. Getting rid of the habits described below, you will certainly improve your communication skills.

“But I have…”

The situation is familiar when you share something important with someone, and the interlocutor transfers the conversation to himself. Or talk about a similar situation that happened in someone else's life.

At my last job, I had a colleague Misha, with whom no one wanted to go to the canteen and meet outside of work. Here are a couple of examples of conversations with him: “I didn’t sleep well, I don’t have the strength to work.” Answer: “Oh, I also sleep badly, all the time!” Or “I'm back from vacation, I was in Spain, it's so great there!” Instead of listening, Misha always answered: “Oh, my brother was there recently, he told me ...” I think you understand why we avoided talking to Mikhail, fixated on himself. Why say something when you know you won't be heard?

Think about it, maybe you also tend to translate the topic of conversation to yourself? If so, let's do some work on the bugs.

Listen to the interlocutor. Let him finish the sentence, do not interrupt in mid-sentence.

Ask clarifying questions.

Try not to speak more than others.

Do not show off - trying to put yourself on a pedestal, you will only fall in the eyes of others.

Mistakes in Conversations: Learning to Communicate Correctly

Gossip

Many women are guilty of this - to discuss the outfit of a passerby, to tell who a colleague meets, to wash someone's bones - haven't you ever done this? While gossip can be fun and make you feel better than other people, it has a number of drawbacks.

Still, not everyone will appreciate your craving for rumors. The interlocutor can decide: today she is discussing her friend, and tomorrow she will also discuss me ... Talking about someone "behind the eyes" often leaves an unpleasant aftertaste, besides, they simply do not make any sense.

Speak well of others or keep quiet.

If someone starts talking about a common friend in front of you, change the subject or say directly that you are not ready to talk about it in the absence of this very acquaintance.

Live an interesting life! Maybe your everyday life is too boring, since you are talking about everyone, but not about yourself?

Mistakes in Conversations: Learning to Communicate Correctly

Slap, but slap confidently

Remember the phrase from the movie "Moscow does not believe in tears?" We are often afraid to make a mistake. Like, “I’ll say wrong what they think of me.” This is very noticeable when a person is shy and diligently selects words.

At the university, teachers said: "It's better to ask a stupid question than not to ask it and not learn what you wanted."

If you don't understand something, don't be afraid to clarify.

Express your opinion.

Don't try to impress by playing a role. Be yourself and then you will be interesting.

Mistakes in Conversations: Learning to Communicate Correctly

Lots of tips

We are used to giving and receiving advice. But is it useful? Why do we ask the interlocutor to solve our problem, why do we ask what he would do in our place? To share responsibility. Giving advice, we also take some of the responsibility. And this is absolutely useless.

If you are asked for advice, but you do not know what to do or think that the person himself should figure it out, say that you have no advice. At the same time, you can promise to just be there, to support in a difficult situation.

Even if you have an opinion on everything, do not try to express it at the first opportunity. Know-it-alls are annoying.

Sea of ​​negativity

There are people who just don't want to talk about anything. You say that you are buying a car, they will immediately tell you how terrible it is to pay off a loan. He said that he had found a new job, they would definitely see a lot of minuses here too. In their vocabulary, the words “bad”, “sad”, “sorry”, “no” are often found. If you are one of these people, urgently treat:

Learn to see the good in everything. Let this be an exercise. Learn new information - immediately found something positive in it. Even if they told you that you were fired or that you need to work on your day off! After a while, positive thinking will become a habit.

Don't complain! Don't talk bad. When people ask you, "How are you?", answer, "Good."

Don't criticize!

Mistakes in Conversations: Learning to Communicate Correctly

Avoid mistakes in conversation and communicate with pleasure!

Is interrupting a conversation always unacceptable? Not at all. The listener may interrupt you because they are too carried away with the story or want to add something important. Sometimes we are interrupted due to exceeding the time limit - the listener indicates that it is time to make a decision.

But there are people who interrupt speakers for no particular reason. They just can't wait to show themselves. Here are some strategies for dealing with such situations:

1. Let go of the situation - let him speak. What if the interlocutor says something important? Even if he or she is not talking about the point, do not get annoyed. Arguing with an opponent will take time and prevent both of you from reaching your goal.

2. Immediately dot the i's. If you are giving a presentation or telling a long story, guide the audience by time: “My presentation will take approximately ...”, “After I finish my story, I would be interested to know your opinion.” This is especially important if you know that a chronic interrupter is listening to you. When he tries to speak, you can say, “Like I said, you can ask me questions after the presentation.”

3. Keep talking. You can say to the interrupter: “Just a minute!” - and continue the thought. Or just pretend that you do not notice that you are being interrupted. This behavior may seem aggressive, but other listeners will thank you.

4. Address the interrupter directly:"Please let me continue." Do not show aggression, speak confidently and clearly. Politely stand your ground.

Watch your tone and body language. Say with a smile, "I'm glad you're eager to start the discussion, but I'm not done yet." This is perhaps the most effective way to say, "Shut up and let me finish."

Ask the impatient listener a couple of questions. Use your sense of humor

5. Appreciate what the person interrupting you is saying. Even chronic "interrupters" have something to say. Many of them are smart, their brains are fast, and they interrupt because they want things to move faster. The first impulse is to silence him. But interruptions can be useful. Ask the impatient listener a couple of questions. Use your sense of humor. Such dialogue will defuse the situation, you will calm down and focus on the topic of the speech, and not on your feelings.

6. Engage others in the conversation. In response to the impatient listener's intervention, start talking to another person or organize a group discussion.

7. Adopt the group's communication style. Communication on equal terms implies a high involvement of all participants and, as a result, frequent interruptions. If you're new to the group, don't insist on being listened to in silence. The pattern of group behavior cannot be changed quickly.

8. Think about whether you are the problem. Are you presenting information too randomly? Is it difficult for listeners to perceive numerous examples and details? You may be hard to listen to and that is why you are often interrupted. Or maybe you yourself often interrupt the speaker, but at the same time get angry if they interrupt you?

As you can see, you can react to interruptions in different ways. Try different options, train your social skills and observe yourself more often, you may have something to work on.