Why didn't he call me back? Why didn't she laugh at my jokes? Why don't they want to meet and chat anymore? Have you ever felt like you did something wrong and sabotaged the conversation (or worse, the relationship)?
If we lived in an ideal world, we could evaluate our communication skills with the help of special equipment and get a detailed analysis. We could learn in detail about all our strengths as well as weaknesses, good habits and bad habits, even the style of our conversation.
Fortunately, you have a good friend who can always tell you what is wrong with the way you talk. Oh you don't have one? Don't worry, you are not alone. If we make mistakes in conversation, most of us will never know about it. People will simply decide to keep from communicating with us. And you can't do anything about it.
You may not have a friend or special equipment to point out your mistakes, but you can consider the most common issues during a conversation. By analyzing yourself, you can make sure that you will no longer ruin your conversations and relationships.
Let's take a closer look at the four main bad conversation habits.
1. Are you a parrot?
Do you think that you constantly paraphrase or repeat what your interlocutor has said to you? If he says "Great movie" are you saying "Yeah, that was a really great movie"? "Parrots" pretend that they are talking, but, in fact, they do not make any effort for this. They are more like an echo when they repeat after others.
If you find yourself constantly repeating after someone, try to add more personal opinion and significant remarks to your lines.
2. Are you an energy vampire?
You can tell compelling stories and speak your mind, but if you don't back it up with emotion, people may find you hard to listen to. Lack of emotion and energy during a conversation can ruin that conversation faster than any other bad habit. A good conversation should be lively, and the interlocutors should exchange energy at the same time. If energy is not coming from you, then most likely you are only absorbing it.
Think about how your voice is a rollercoaster for listeners. Are you creating a flat and boring ride? Try to make your roller coaster experience enjoyable for a specific audience. Change the speed, add accents, change intonation, and underline key words.
3. Are you a predictable storyteller?
The predictable narrator lives in a serious and literal world. If such a person is going to go to the kitchen, and you ask him where he is going, he will always answer: "To the kitchen." Everything that such people say is predictable, they are unable to surprise you with anything. Conversely, a playful narrator may answer a question in an unpredictable way, and you never know what to expect from him. This is how a conversation should be: playful and unpredictable.
Always train your mind to be able to come up with an unexpected answer in time. The next time someone asks you a question or comments on something, think about the answer so that it comes out playful and unpredictable (within reason). After that, use one of the remarks you made up and see what happens. You will be surprised.
4. Are you really a narcissist?
Narcissistic people love to talk about themselves the most. The only reason they would ask the other person how they spent their weekend is to turn the conversation back to themselves. They are likely to say something like, "That's good... but you won't believe what happened to me." Communication with such a person is unlikely to bring pleasure. Narcissists rarely take an interest in another person's affairs in a completely unselfish manner or ask additional questions. The main goal of a narcissist in any conversation is to prove to everyone around him that he is much better than the rest.
This is easy to fix if you are sincerely interested in the affairs of another person. If someone tells you about themselves, focus your attention on that person, ask leading questions and make comments that will show the other person that you are listening carefully.
Pickup. Self-instruction manual on seduction Bogachev Philipp Olegovich
Conversation building and topic translation
The first conversation is always just intelligence.
Before you set off on the roads of a new mind for you,
you need to look at the map of the area.
Andre Maurois.
In a conversation with girls, there are moments when we can notice that they somehow do not like our topic. Maybe it does, I admit it. The same thing happens when a girl brings up a topic that you either don't like or doesn't lead to increased rapport. What to do?
The worst option is to say that the topic is tops and whether it can keep the conversation on a level worthy of your greatness. A slightly better option, but also not a fountain - to interrupt a person, shutting up his stream of consciousness, and start talking about his own.
What to do when we want, on the one hand, to leave the same level of comfort inside our conversation, but we want to translate the topic? There is one magic word that allows you to transfer a conversation from one topic to another, so that a person may never even notice it.
Let's start with an example dialogue.
I had a fight with my ex, he treated me so badly...
By the way, when was the last time you went to the cinema?
Last week I went with a friend...
What do you think was the decisive word in this dialogue? I think the answer is obvious, and just in case of control, I'll write it again. The magic word that allows you to translate any topic of conversation is called BY THE WAY.
Its action is simply amazing, it is impossible to understand it logically, but it works. And it works even better if, at the beginning of your question, you make a serious expression on your face, as if asking your main question about life, the universe and everything else.
And the result will please you for many years.
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From the book The Theory of Family Systems by Murray Bowen. Basic concepts, methods and clinical practice author Team of authors From the book Psychology of Intelligence and Giftedness author Ushakov Dmitry ViktorovichBuilding Relationships We all know that our request can be denied. For example, someone may not like your courage. Or the person you asked for something will assess the risks and doubt their benefits. In addition, if your relationship with
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Not everyone is given oratorical skills, the ability to convince and the talent to be an interesting conversationalist. But communication is an integral part of our life. Not knowing how to conduct a conversation, you can face many problems: lack of friends, bad relationships in the team, misunderstanding of loved ones. There are a number of common mistakes that people very often make in conversations. Getting rid of the habits described below, you will certainly improve your communication skills.
“But I have…”
The situation is familiar when you share something important with someone, and the interlocutor transfers the conversation to himself. Or talk about a similar situation that happened in someone else's life.
Think about it, maybe you also tend to translate the topic of conversation to yourself? If so, let's do some work on the bugs.
Listen to the interlocutor. Let him finish the sentence, do not interrupt in mid-sentence.
Ask clarifying questions.
Try not to speak more than others.
Do not show off - trying to put yourself on a pedestal, you will only fall in the eyes of others.
Gossip
Many women are guilty of this - to discuss the outfit of a passer-by, to tell who a colleague meets, to wash someone's bones - haven't you ever done this? While gossip can be fun and make you feel better than other people, it has a number of drawbacks.
Still, not everyone will appreciate your craving for rumors. The interlocutor can decide: today she is discussing her friend, and tomorrow she will also discuss me ... Talking about someone "behind the eyes" often leaves an unpleasant aftertaste, besides, they simply do not make any sense.
Speak well of others or keep quiet.
If someone starts talking about a common friend in front of you, change the subject or say directly that you are not ready to talk about it in the absence of this very acquaintance.
Live an interesting life! Maybe your everyday life is too boring, if you want to talk about everyone, but not about yourself?
Slap, but slap confidently
Remember the phrase from the movie "Moscow does not believe in tears?" We are often afraid to make a mistake. Like, “I’ll say wrong what they think of me.” This is very noticeable when a person is shy and diligently selects words.
At the university, teachers said: "It's better to ask a stupid question than not to ask it and not learn what you wanted."
If you don't understand something, don't be afraid to clarify.
Express your opinion.
Don't try to impress by playing a role. Be yourself and then you will be interesting.
Lots of tips
We are used to giving and receiving advice. But is it useful? Why do we ask the interlocutor to solve our problem, why do we ask what he would do in our place? To share responsibility. Giving advice, we also take some of the responsibility. And this is absolutely useless.
If you are asked for advice, but you do not know what to do or think that the person himself should figure it out, say that you have no advice. At the same time, you can promise to just be there, to support in a difficult situation.
Even if you have an opinion on everything, do not try to express it at the first opportunity. Know-it-alls are annoying.
Sea of negativity
There are people who just don't want to talk about anything. You say that you are buying a car, they will immediately tell you how terrible it is to pay off a loan. He said that he had found a new job, they would definitely see a lot of minuses here too. In their vocabulary, the words “bad”, “sad”, “sorry”, “no” are often found. If you are one of these people, urgently treat:
Learn to see the good in everything. Let this be an exercise. Learn new information - immediately found something positive in it. Even if they told you that you were fired or that you need to work on your day off! After a while, positive thinking will become a habit.
Don't complain! Don't talk bad. When people ask you, "How are you?", answer, "Good."
Don't criticize!
Avoid mistakes in conversation and communicate with pleasure!
Not every one of us has the talent of a virtuoso diplomat, so awkward pauses in conversations periodically arise. But what if the silence drags on or a pleasant conversation is about to turn into an unpleasant argument? Of course, the most obvious solution would be to offer to change the topic of conversation, but this is not always acceptable, so you have to resort to other methods. Let's look at ways to imperceptibly (or at least not so obviously) for the interlocutor to transfer the conversation in a different direction.
1. So that the interlocutor does not torment you with painful silence, learn to listen. People want to be heard, so it is important to give the interlocutor a sense of attentiveness to his story. This can be done with light nods or encouraging interjections. Clarifying questions on the topic of the conversation are also suitable, only you need to be careful with them so as not to turn the conversation into an interrogation.
2. If you feel that the topic of conversation is uninteresting or unpleasant for your interlocutor, then you can use the wonderful word "by the way." Cling to something in the conversation and, deftly remembering an interesting fact, transfer the interlocutor's attention to another object. Imagine that in a cafe your interlocutor noticed that the fish was not very well cooked. To prevent discussion of the incompetent cook, engage the attention of a disgruntled guest with a story about your recent trip, where you saw amazingly beautiful fish. Here you will already have a chance to talk about travel, to which many are not indifferent.
3. In the event that the topic of conversation is unpleasant for you, you can show this by silence. Your interlocutor will be uncomfortable talking into the void, and he will change the subject himself or offer to do it to you.
4. Another way to manipulate your opponent is to start talking nonsense. The more ridiculous you say, the greater will be the surprise of the interlocutor. This moment can be used to change the subject, and one can hope for a positive reaction from the interlocutor, since people usually like to be surprised.
5. Also, to change the topic, you can try to "reboot" the interlocutor. A great way to do this would be a long monotonous narrative, which will certainly catch up with melancholy and make you look for other topics for communication. The opposite technique - very fast speech, is also able to make you seek salvation in other topics.
Thus, all methods can be divided into two groups - manipulation or own initiative. Not everyone is positive about manipulation, but sometimes this is the only possible way to get away from an unpleasant conversation. In any case, it is up to you to decide whether to spend your energy and nerves maintaining a hopeless conversation or use a not-too-pretty technique to make communication mutually enjoyable.
1. Pay close attention to the voice of your interlocutor.
If suddenly he starts talking faster, slower, or the timbre of his voice suddenly rises, turning almost into a cry - this means that they are trying to mislead or simply deceive you. Slurring, stammering, stammering, gibberish can also be characteristic signs of a liar.2. Pay attention to the amount of detail in a conversation.
When a person’s speech is replete with small details (for example: “My mother now lives in Nizhny Novgorod. It’s very beautiful there. I really like being visiting her. And what kind of Kremlin is there.”) - know that someone wants to you believed in the veracity of his words.3. The emotions of the interlocutor will also provide you with invaluable help in recognizing his lies.
The feelings and emotions of a deceiver are often too predictable. When a person instantly answers a question, he can tell a lie, because he has been waiting for this moment in advance and has rehearsed his reaction to it many times.Another hallmark of a lie is the absence of important events and facts in the conversation. For example: "I left for work at 6 o'clock in the morning, and when I returned in the evening, he was already dead." Note that it does not say what the person was doing or where they were during the day. An attempt to hide the truth is obvious.
4. Analyze your opponent's response.
- A person who speaks the truth will never take a defensive position and prove his case. He doesn't need it. A liar, on the contrary, will desperately try to convince you of his words, avoid answering, respond with insults, etc. A person who tells the truth does not react to provocations, responds to accusations with logical reasoning with an abundance of comments. The liar is afraid of getting confused in his own words, so he has no choice but to stubbornly repeat what has already been said and insist on his own.
An honest and truthful answer, as a rule, follows after a short reflection. To tell the truth, you do not need to delve into memories - it is already hanging on the tongue. But, the more a person lies, the more difficult it is for him to follow the thread of his reasoning, since he most of all does not want to be in a situation where he will contradict himself. That is why a long pause after a question is a 100% signal of an upcoming lie in return. This can often be seen in political debates, isn't it? But be careful - looking away or moving them down most likely means that the person is just trying to remember the details.
5. Do not lose sight of the manner of speech of the interlocutor. He is lying if:
- Repeats the same turns of speech when answering questions.Avoids answering by answering a question with a question, or tries by all means to delay his answer, asking to repeat the question. Again, politicians often use these tricks, using memorized sentences like "my answer will depend on what you mean", "that's a good question", "what would you do if you were me?" and so on.
Avoids statements and emphasizes negative particles of speech, such as "never", "never", "no one" ... This is a clear attempt to hide the truth and make the interlocutor believe in his innocence.
Responds with incoherent words that do not provide any necessary information, or incomplete phrases.
Instead of a direct answer, he tries to laugh it off or, in a difficult case for him, switches to sarcasm.
Abuses the expressions "as if", "actually", "I'll be brief", "to be honest" and the like. Do not forget that an instant answer or an exact repetition of a question in an answer are very characteristic features of a liar.
6. Repetition of already spoken words.
In the case when you notice that your interlocutor begins to repeat the same sentences, be sure that they are trying to lie to you. When a lie is invented in advance, the liar easily betrays it with memorized sentences. Use the following technique: during the conversation, "accidentally" ask a question that has already been heard from your lips, and be sure that the liar will answer with the same words he has memorized. 7. Sudden transfer of the topic of conversation in a different direction.
An interlocutor who tells a lie will always try to move on to another topic. Stay alert when you hear something along the lines of: "I wanted to go home, but here on the road... Hey, do you have a new haircut or not? Does it suit you."Like all people, liars are well aware that everyone loves compliments. When you almost figured out a liar, don't be surprised if they start showering you with compliments. All a liar wants to do is to lull your guard and turn the conversation to an abstract topic. Resist the temptation, because a person rarely praises someone just like that, out of the goodness of his soul.
