Examining your tendencies
Every person by nature or predominantly passive or predominantly aggressive. This predisposition is similar to a computer characteristic called "default", i.e., programmed to automatically select a certain option until it is changed by a conscious decision. Let us consider in more detail the manifestations of this phenomenon.
Behaviors
Both passive and aggressive types of behavior have distinctive features. In order to gain self-confidence, one must understand the differences between them.
Passive type of behavior
A person predisposed to a passive type of behavior tends to suppress his desires, not to use freedom of choice. Usually he obeys the will of others and does not defend his own interests.
For the most part, passive people try to avoid unpleasant situations, but when faced with aggressive behavior, they can get out of balance. In response to the manifestation of aggression, behavior due to fear of exacerbating the position of a passive person, as a rule, becomes even more passive.
It can be difficult to communicate with such a person, because it is not clear to others what he really wants. For example, to the question “What will you drink, tea or coffee?” he usually replies, "I don't care." People who are prone to passive behavior believe that inertia is the best fit for their desire to avoid solving problems and avoiding disputes. Everything that is not a task of paramount importance seems to them too insignificant and, in their opinion, is not worth the effort.
Aggressive type of behavior
A person predisposed to an aggressive type of behavior is irritable, without hesitation enters into a conflict if something goes against his plans. Aggressive behavior fuels his energy and assertiveness, but is usually negatively perceived by others. He can get his way, but at too high a price, or achieve nothing, because others, feeling that they are being treated down, usually refuse to cooperate with him.
The difficulty of communicating with a person of an aggressive type can be explained by the fact that others do not always understand that his aggression is not directed against them personally, but to achieve a goal. The dissatisfaction of the "aggressor" is too noticeable, because his behavior is distinguished by intemperance. It seems to him that absolutely everything, even the most insignificant situations, requires his energetic intervention.
One way to become more self-confident is to change the attitudes of behavior inherent in nature. You will say that the acquired behavior will look unnatural in the eyes of others, because it is not characteristic of your nature. But in any case, it will remain within the limits of the temperament given to you by nature - passive or aggressive.
Behavior Adjustment
A predisposition to a particular type of behavior can be corrected by strengthening or weakening certain character traits. As a result of such a correction, assertiveness arises - firm, self-confidence with self-esteem.
To do this, you need quite a bit - to improve your involuntary reactions and inclinations. The newly acquired behavior will operate as follows.
Passivity turning into assertiveness
People who are prone to passive behavior will find that there is no need to go against their nature. All they need is to be stronger, stop worrying about what others think, and feel free to talk about their wants and needs.
A small adjustment in passive behavior will allow you to act actively - solve problems, not avoid them. Confidence will give you courage, and you will be able to express thoughts that you would never have dared to express before, and even get what you have always dreamed of.
Aggressiveness turning into assertiveness
A person who is more aggressive than passive will have to soften his natural assertiveness. Correcting aggressive behavior will allow you to find that it makes it easier to achieve your goal, because your new behavior has become less annoying to others. At the same time, you should not completely abandon active actions. Thus, assertive behavior will subdue your impulsiveness without causing displeasure and anger in others.
The general criterion in both cases can be considered the requirements of others. Passive people should think less about the desires of others and pay more attention to their own desires. Those who are prone to an aggressive type of behavior should think less about themselves and reckon with the demands of others.
Benefits of being assertive
Strong self-confidence gives the key to the ability to improve in any area of life and is especially pronounced in difficult situations, in dealing with smart and knowledgeable people. Softening (if you are aggressive) or strengthening (if you are passive) behavior will help you without any problems:
v induce people to take action or force them to change their behavior without showing resentment or hostility on their part;
v refuse something without offending others;
v to express one's own (possibly unpopular) opinion in a way that is perceived favorably, even if others hold diametrically opposed views.
It can be added that confidence will help you develop and improve your effective manner of communicating with others. You will find that any situation works for you if:
v give and receive compliments; they will give confidence to you and others;
v to encourage people to communicate, then your pleasure from this process will increase much;
v Express your approval of the ideas and actions of others rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. Thanks to this, you will be able to establish feedback with the interlocutor;
v admit your shortcomings. This is true for all self-confident people.
Assertiveness creates equality in relations between people, the necessary flexibility in behavior to overcome difficulties, leads to success.
Drawing conclusions
To develop assertive behavior, it is necessary first of all to slightly change the natural reactions to certain circumstances. Regardless of whether you are passive or aggressive by nature, assertiveness will balance the extremes of character, help you find a middle ground between them. It will “pacify” aggression and “whip up” inertia.
Assertiveness is not a goal, but a means to achieve it. This is the most effective way to declare your intentions and bring communication to a whole new level.
Ask yourself
Analyze your usual demeanor and answer the following questions.
If you are passive by nature:
^ Are you trying to avoid a situation that threatens to become unpleasant?
^ Would you like to speak your mind more confidently?
If you are aggressive by nature:
^ Do you tend to do everything in your own way without taking into account the interests of others?
^ Do you want to learn how to influence people without hurting their feelings?
For both types of behavior:
^ Do you want to learn how to refuse people their requests without feeling the need to find excuses?
^ Do you strive to ensure that your relationships with people give more returns?
If you answered yes to some questions, you need to purposefully work on your character.
Everything will work out if...
Understand that in order to become a confident person, you do not have to go against your nature;
Make a firm decision and adjust your natural behavior;
Realize that strong self-confidence (assertiveness) will help you find the right solution in a difficult situation;
Be aware that by becoming more confident, you will enjoy life more;
To wish to develop in oneself such skills and such a view of things that are necessary for a self-confident person.
According to the American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the meekest person cannot claim to be free from it, because it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to storm traffic jams, "burning" projects and intractable partners. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive. Often, spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more damaging to a marriage than outright aggression.
The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering". “Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one it is directed at,” says Galina Turetskaya, a PhD in Psychology and a practicing relationship coach. “It becomes the ground for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of rejection, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of confronting one’s own and other people’s emotions.” This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only puts it in “decent” forms: avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs out a sign “I’ve gone into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still turn a blind eye to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both - both the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. This is similar to the uprising of robots: in addition to the will, an autopilot turns on in the human mind, which knows only one program - to avoid, but in such a way as not to look guilty.
DESIRE PLUS FEAR
“You can’t rely on my husband: he promises to do something, and then puts it off for a long time, invents reasons, lets everything take its course. It’s easier to pick up the suit from the dry cleaners, although he promised to do it on the way.
And for me - an extra hour with an uncomfortable cover in public transport. And so in everything! - shares Larisa (32). - When there are too many such trifles, I explode, I scream. And in vain, because he didn’t seem to have done anything like that - I myself didn’t wait for his help. Becomes ashamed of the hysteria. But I want to make a fuss, because time goes by, but nothing changes.”
First of all, it is important to understand: anger, powerlessness, guilt are the most common reactions of women in relationships with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are human too and have the right to your emotions. By suppressing anger, you run the risk of becoming the same passive aggressor as he is. “Do not lead to an explosion: when faced with something that does not suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate a problem and state it. And then offer solutions that are convenient for you, ”advises Galina Turetskaya.
The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of addiction is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. “Neither retaliatory ignoring (scattering in different corners), nor irritation, nor the manifestation of increased care will lead to a good result,” says the psychologist. - It is important to remain calm and positive, showing with your appearance: I am ready for dialogue, but you will have to take a step. After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of. Is the suit dry-cleaned? Let there and wait in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take responsibility shifted to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, do not try to catch him in a lie - he actually could stay at work. But even if he sat there to the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, all the same excuses are the best possible for him at the moment. Over time, as the partner gains experience of being actively involved in the relationship, they will be able to take on more responsibility.
MASTERNESS TEST
Psychoanalyst and specialist in genetic psychology Dmitry Kalinsky notes that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society prescribes us to be soft and non-conflict. Under the pressure of the stereotype of femininity or the fear of losing relationships, aggression takes on hidden forms.
“We have been meeting with Ivan for several months, and I would very much like this relationship to develop into a marriage,” admits Marina (27). But sometimes I feel that he does not understand me. Recently, knowing that I am working from home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I couldn't explain that I couldn't make time for him, that he showed up at the wrong time and was distracting me. I took the bouquet across the threshold and excused myself with urgent work. For some reason he was offended." If a man behaved incorrectly, it would be possible to declare open war against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be around - there is nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression come into play, including tests for real men.
How often at the beginning of a relationship do you arrange “lice checks” for your partner, as if specifically demonstrating your worst sides - capriciousness, irritability, silent games, nitpicking with or without reason. All these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a somewhat different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior is: "Love me like this - and then I will believe that you love me for real." But you cannot control the line beyond which a slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It's good if your hero is experienced and patient enough to get through the trial period. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who never understood who was to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to turn to a psychologist to understand the reasons and eliminate distrust in a man.
DO YOU TRUST ME?
“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). - The boyfriend called and asked how I felt, began to comfort, advised something. The more he talked, the more angry I became. Later I sent him an SMS that I feel bad, I will leave for some time to my parents, when I return, I will call you back. I was waiting for my beloved to rush after me, regret, hug me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard a distant “hello”. The former warmth disappeared somewhere, we moved away from each other.
The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in a partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, dodge. Favorite "catches the air with his hands." And this is what causes the most irritation. If it were possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with a passive aggressor, it would become clear: he himself is not happy with such a development of relations. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even more suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repetitive pattern of behavior) is formed during childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, for some reason, the child failed to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, the mother could not take him in her arms immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early.” The baby did not have enough emotional and bodily contact, the basic need was not satisfied. That is why in adulthood, when trying to form close relationships, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Along with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences the fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and getting it, he begins to evade.
According to Natalia Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand that this way of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best way out is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in the format of individual consultations. Inner pain and distrust can be experienced. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and abandon the thought of intimacy.
How to recognize a passive aggressor
Putting things off until it's too late.
Does not fulfill promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy.
Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.
Unclearly expresses his position, confuses traces.
Does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS.
Sends conflicting signals: for example, talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.
Never apologizes.
4 Strategies for Effectively Dealing with a Passive Aggressor by Signe Whitson, author of Evil Smile:
psychology of passive-aggressive behavior in the family and at work”:
1 Recognize signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: procrastination, ignoring, silence, avoiding discussion of the problem, gossip.
2 Do not give in to provocations. The subconscious goal of the passive aggressor is to piss you off. If you feel like you are starting to boil, try calmly expressing the negative: “I won’t yell, because it will only make the situation worse.”
3 Point out to the passive aggressor the anger he feels - such people ignore this particular emotion. Your opinion must be supported by a concrete fact: "I think you are angry with me now because I asked you to do something."
TEXT: Galina Turova
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone met her in life (and some people regularly splash it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely.
A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Only without the sword. (joke)
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone met her in life (and some people regularly splash it out on others). However, the phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely. More often you can hear something like: “She has a bad temper” or “He is an energy vampire: he doesn’t seem to do anything bad, but after talking with him you feel very bad.” People usually do not know that no esoteric stuff has anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person who is so difficult to deal with actually regularly acts passive-aggressively with you.
Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in a socially acceptable form, while the aggressor outwardly does not go beyond social norms.
(When I was looking for material for an article, I suddenly realized where exactly you can find a lot of passive-aggressive reactions: on forums where daughters-in-law complain about their mothers-in-law. And I scored a number of examples in the LJ community "father-in-law"). So, examples:
For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a box of jam. When I opened the present, she said that the jam was for all the guests, not just me, but she needed the box back.
During the wedding photo session, the mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - four of us and without me. I was ready to just kiss this little, bald man when he remarked: “Excuse me, madam, but your family already includes more than four. The bride must be present in every photo!”
My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a cross necklace, and a cookbook called How to Cook Pork Chops for my birthday. On the card (with Jesus) it was written that she hoped that I changed my mind and that she could save me. Did I mention that I'm Jewish? I kept telling her all 7 years of our marriage that I did NOT plan to change religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn't help but obsess over religion. He added that he loves me and is thinking about converting to Judaism! He doesn't plan anything like that, but he wanted to poke her in the nose with it.
Every Christmas, my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box, we "find" that the glass is broken. The mother-in-law every time pretends to be surprised and takes the box to take it to the store and exchange it. The following year I receive the same gift.
The mother-in-law loves to give gifts in order to embroil her grandchildren among themselves. Last year[...] she gave the kids $35 and said the older two should get $12 and the younger one $11. All three of them looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we didn't let that happen.
My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts at Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In response, they received very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, a can of M&M sweets for everyone. This upset the children, because all the children received their own gift, and ours - a can of candy for the family. One day each grandchild got a really nice gift, and ours got a booklet worth 89 cents. It was the last time we went there.
My husband's stepmother came to us while we were away and stole potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said that she did it because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never received these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.
It was difficult even to choose specific examples from the many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely inventive in poisoning the lives of daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family (“I wish you well!”), give gifts that are borderline offensive (and pretend that they didn’t mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (thanks for a cheap trinket or that they necessarily, ALWAYS went on vacation there and as the father-in-laws say) .... Well, it’s a classic: to break into the room of the young at any opportunity, even in the middle of the night (“I have things there, in the closet” or “I’ll just straighten the blanket for them - they sleep like doves!”). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and sons, too) are not very happy with interference, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people fully feel that they were treated aggressively, an uninvited society was imposed on them, they broke into personal boundaries.
Was there any aggression in these cases? Undoubtedly. The daughters-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone began to bring it to a scandal).
Was the aggression expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of socially acceptable. Is it customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift came out unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from the bottom of my heart, accompanying with "mother's advice." (Actually, unsolicited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite customary for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).
That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim understands perfectly well how she was treated! The victim is not happy and it is not very easy to persuade her: "Never mind, it's okay." She felt a completely full-fledged aggression in her address: she (or the children) was put below others, treated an adult woman like a juvenile fool, or, distributing material values, defiantly deprived of her status. This is what it is - aggression, only expressed in a passive form.
How to recognize passive aggression?
Oh, when someone shows passive aggression towards you, you will instantly notice it. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful prick. A passive aggressor is usually not rude, does not go into open confrontation. He does not raise his voice and does not start scandals himself - but conflict situations often flare up around him. For some reason, many just want to be rude, yell at this innocent person. And even after a short communication with such a person, one wants to take one's soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, the mood deteriorates so much.
Such people often know themselves that there are many "ill-wishers" or simply bad, malicious people around them. A passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate being mistreated and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won't send back).
Passive-aggressives do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they do not ask - they hint by chance (yes, so that later you can’t find fault in any way). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they do not believe in it themselves. Others are necessarily to blame, bad luck, a bad education system, “everything in this country works this way”, etc. (By the way: one of the effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually bring a person with passive-aggressive behavior to the realization of how he himself, his actions affect the reactions of others.
In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a person surrounded by malicious stupid bastards, but ordinary, normal people for some reason are not happy when they receive a dose of passive aggression. But this is usually not easy to get to, and "psychologically treating" people without their direct request is also a form of mild aggression, by the way, so please don't try to "re-educate" anyone in the best of intentions, okay?).
Here is a short list of manifestations of passive aggression:
Do not speak directly about their desires and needs (hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what not - you always have to guess. They say about such people: “you won’t please him”;
They do not start a scandal first, although they often provoke it;
In especially difficult cases, they can even stir up a "guerrilla war" against someone who is unkind - gossip, intrigue against an unsuspecting "offender";
Often they violate obligations: they promise, and then do not fulfill, sabotage, skillfully shirk. The point here is that the passive-aggressive was initially against it and did not want to do what was agreed with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said "yes" and simply did nothing. Yes, and immediately was not going to;
They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you didn’t want to immediately;
The promised is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. Performed with reluctance, poor quality and at the very last moment. Yes, by the way, now fashionable procrastination can also be a form of passive aggression;
Often unproductive, use the so-called. "Italian strike" - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!” Without entering into an open conflict;
By the way, passive-aggressive personalities often have a reputation as unreliable people who cannot be relied on - precisely because of the above features;
They gossip, complain about others (behind their backs), get offended. They are often indignant and dissatisfied that others behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is arranged incorrectly, the bosses are stupid, they load terribly at work and do not appreciate, etc. They see the cause of their troubles outside, they do not connect them with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the injustice of power towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially love to blame and pour contempt on the authorities of any rank behind their backs);
Critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in the ability to “lower” a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - because this will allow the other to "gain power" by learning what the passive-aggressive likes or dislikes;
Masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. "Punished" by silence. They stubbornly do not explain what they are offended by, but non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not launched by passive-aggressive, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);
During open disputes, the passive-aggressive becomes personal, recalls the old, finds something to blame the opponent for, and tries to shift the blame to others to the last;
Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, handicapped, etc. (a classic example is when the daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and finds that the mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the freshly washed floor. To the young woman’s surprised questions, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, baby, never mind, it’s just our custom to the house was clean". Naturally, after such a manifestation of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fall into a rage, but it is not customary to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious "care" - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).
Where does it come from? Origins of passive aggression
Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) were unpredictable and domineering, it is difficult for him to express his demands, wishes, indignations. From this arises an underlying sense of danger, severe anxiety.
If a child is punished for showing anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve his goals in a roundabout way, and not to express disagreement and anger outwardly, but to show it in passive ways.
For example, in one of the forums, when discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant stated: “Oh, everything was like that in my family! It was dangerous for us to be indignant and not just demand something, but also ask - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me ... I remember that even to get a tape recorder for the New Year, I did not ask my parents, but built complex schemes: how by hints, by blunt words, to get them to guess…” In fact, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence on parents), and usually masterfully masters the skills of "guerrilla warfare".
Passive-aggressives are sure that the world is a dangerous place, that it is more expensive to open up in it and trust people. And if others find out what it is that scares you, angers you, or is especially desirable, then they will also gain control over you. Control games are another form of passive aggression. To demand or ask for something from another means to substitute, to show one's weakness, dependence. This means that people can play on your desires (and the world, according to passive-aggressive people, is hostile and it is deadly to fight it). Therefore, openly wanting something or refusing something directly means giving control of your life into the wrong hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive people do not directly express their desires, but answer “yes” to any other request, after which they become gloomy, angry inside themselves and do not do it, excuses with forgetfulness and the fact that they “did not have time”.
By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are most often suppressed in manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow up confident that if they are “correct, truly feminine” (delicate, always sweet, non-assertive), they will definitely “come and bring everything”. And if they don’t carry it, then you are doing something wrong, for example, you brazenly demand a lot; a loving man must himself guess and please his beloved woman; and her job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. It doesn’t work out to put your desires into another person’s head, which means - suffer in silence, like a partisan, and let your beloved listen: “guess for yourself”, “well, is it really incomprehensible”, “if you loved me, you would know” and “do as want". Yes, this is also an undercover power struggle and control games; if you openly say: “Do me this and that, I want it,” then you can hear a direct refusal (“Not now, I have no time”), and even having received what you want, make sure that happiness is not brought. And what, then, who demanded - he himself is to blame? No, it's better to hint, get (or not get) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction, then all the blame is on the one who read the thoughts incorrectly.
Numerous "How to become a feminine woman" courses today often provoke and support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their students. In courses with the typical name “become desirable for the weekend,” they teach: a woman cannot, well, you can’t take the initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything in your life will work out correctly on its own. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get something she needs, he will definitely understand everything and will do everything for you, get it and give it to you! And to do something yourself: to demand, to achieve, to refuse unnecessary things, to ask and take care of yourself on your own - in no case. Well, that's unfeminine! So either suffer that they didn’t bring it, or twist the hands of those around you: hint, gradually lead to your idea, “create conditions”. In general, passive aggression, as it is.
What to do if you meet a passive-aggressive type on your way?
First, it is worth knowing that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but he himself will not start a conflict. Do not succumb to provocations - your "explosion of emotions" will not help clarify relations, but will only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Take your soul somewhere else, complain to friends and relatives, but do not give such a passive-aggressive gift, do not show yourself as “bad” and “scandalous”. Do not trust the passive-aggressive with your secrets and information that can harm you if it is disclosed.
Name what is happening and your feelings. Don't blame the other, just say, "When this and that happens, I usually get upset." For example: "When you leave with the whole department for lunch and forget to call me, I feel sad." There is no need to blame (“you are on purpose!”), no need to generalize (“you always!”). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you felt. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid of being blamed for other people’s troubles, and it’s better for those around you to know that for you this is not “nothing happened”, but something upsetting.
Do not expect such a person to understand and re-educate you (even if you retell this article to him). It probably won't happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to therapy because something is wrong with them: they usually complain about bad people around them (who are undoubtedly to blame for everything), or other psychological problems (for example, depression) , or they are forced to appear by relatives who cannot bear coexistence. published
Understanding the personality traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interaction with them. To understand what these people are on
in fact, we must place them in an appropriate context. In this chapter I want to lay
a foundation of ideas about personality and character that will help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing upon meeting him.
Personality with character disorders
The role of anxiety in the problems faced by the individual with
character disorders (IDC), is insignificant. On the contrary, IRCs lack
anxiety and alertness associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In individuals with severe character disorders, the voice of conscience may
to be absent at all. Most IRCs have a significantly underdeveloped conscience.
ICR's ability to feel genuine guilt or shame is impaired.
What may look like a defense mechanism from the outside is most likely
a powerful tactic that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
the requirements of society.
The IRCs may try to manipulate your ideas about them, but basically they are the ones who
they are.
The problematic aspects of the IRS personality are egosyntonic (that is, the IRS likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help on their own.
yourself - usually this happens at the insistence of other people.
Behind the behavior of the IRC are erroneous thought patterns and false views.
Self-esteem of HRC is most often inflated, and exaggeration of one's own merits is not
serves as a compensation for an underlying sense of inferiority.
Adverse consequences and public stigma do not stop the IRC.
Although problem behavioral patterns of HSI may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and deliberate.
A person with character disorders has a high level of awareness and
understanding of herself, however, this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IRS do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, confrontation and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive-behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point the differences between the neurotic and the personality
with character disorders are striking. First of all, people with personality disorders
think differently than most of us. In recent years, researchers have realized
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitude we have formed
to one thing or another - all this largely determines how we act. AT
In particular, this is precisely why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thought patterns and
support for a person's desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) -
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on Distortions in the Thinking Patterns of Individuals with Character Disorders
started a few years ago and focused primarily on mental
installations of criminals. After some time, the researchers came to the conclusion that
problematic thought patterns are common to all personality types with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and supplemented
them and is ready to present a brief description of the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with personality disorders think about themselves all the time
yourself. They don't think about what others need or what effect they have on others.
their actions. This type of thinking creates a selfish attitude and
neglect of obligations to society.
Ownership. Thinking pattern that views others as property
with which you can do as you see fit, and whose role is to
to please you. In addition, people with personality disorders tend to
objectification, that is, they see in others an object, and not independent individuals,
self-esteem, rights and needs. This type
thinking gives rise to a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism ("all or nothing"). A person with a personality disorder tends to
reject everything in general if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he's not really
at the top of the pyramid, it feels like floundering at its base. If someone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This type
thinking prevents manifestations of moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromising.
Self-centeredness. A person with character disorders is so high
values his personality, which ascribes to himself the right to whatever he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow deserve what he wants, but, on the contrary, he is inclined to believe that everyone around him is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is in his debt.
shamelessness. A person with a personality disorder lacks a healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
be embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
the fact that he was seen through is by no means the same as a feeling of shame for a reprehensible
deed. Shamelessness breeds arrogance.
Haste and frivolity. A person with a personality disorder is always
seeks to get what he wants as easily as possible. He cannot bear to apply
effort or commitment. Gives him much more pleasure
fool people. This type of thinking creates a disdainful attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. A person with a personality disorder does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is, he just starts acting and
takes everything he needs, no matter what social norms are violated. This type
thinking breeds irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.
Aggressive personality and its subtypes
Personality theorist Theodore Millon looks at aggressive personalities
as active-independent in terms of their interaction with others and the world at large.
He notes that such individuals actively take care that their
needs were satisfied, and tend not to become dependent on third-party
support. He also believes that there are two varieties of active-independent personality:
one can adjust its course of action sufficiently to
to exist in society; the other is unable to follow the requirements of the law. I don't
agrees that the epithet "aggressive" is most appropriate to describe
style of interpersonal communication of each subtype of an actively independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of himself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive person, whom I consider
healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive personalities is not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable is the fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
personality with psychological disorders, only a small subtype appears
active independent personality - antisocial personality.
Unlike the assertive personality, the aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a certain degree of ruthlessness that exposes her
disregard for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any life
challenges with an unyielding determination to "win"; irascible and intolerant character and
mentality; adaptability-reducing lack of ability to experience fear, weakness
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
exceptional contempt and disdain for those who are perceived as
weak. This is a "fighter" to the core.
An aggressive personality has a fair amount of narcissistic traits - sometimes it
even considered as a kind of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for her self-confidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions - the only thing that matters to her. Anything that gets in the way of her goals
get out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an actively independent personality, cited by Millon,
a series of studies on type A (aggressive) personalities, the results of an ongoing
study of some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained in the course of
many years of work with a wide variety of character disorders, I find
It is expedient to single out five basic types of aggressive personality:
unrestricted-aggressive, directed-aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and covert-aggressive. Although they have much in common, each of these types
has its own distinct unique features. Some are more dangerous than
others, and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive personalities are essentially
make life difficult for those who work near them, live with them, or are under their
influence.
Unrestricted aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and cruel and
often behave in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They are easily enraged, not cautious enough, not
have fears that help to adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves risky and extremely prone to gross violation of the rights of others. Many of them
spend a fair amount of their lives in places of deprivation of liberty, as they are simply unable to
obey the demands of society, even when it is in their own interest.
According to traditional ideas, these people became so because they grew up in
environment that instilled in them distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and mistreatment to
learn to get close to other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
in some cases, the hostility of such overtly aggressive characters is indeed
fueled by an extreme degree of distrust on the part of others. Even fewer of them
number have an innate predisposition to alertness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unbridled aggressiveness is explained not so much by mistrust and suspicion,
how much simply increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it
meaningless, unreasonable and is generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard for the consequences for themselves and everyone else. At the same time, in
biographies of most of them showed neither neglect, nor mistreatment, nor
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful environment.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these personalities need to be
revision. One of the researchers noted that it seems that the only reliable factor
common to all the variety of "criminals" with whom he happened to
collide - the pleasure they get from unlawful, illegal
actions.
Directional aggressive personality generally directs its open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, the army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. Rigidity, willfulness and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They may talk openly about how to "bury" an opponent or
"break" the opponent. Usually they do not cross the line separating their behavior from
really antisocial, but one should not be surprised when it does happen.
The fact is that their social conformism is explained rather by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel it will be justified or they can get away with it.
Sadistically aggressive personality- Another openly aggressive type. Like
all other aggressive personalities, they seek to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type get special pleasure from watching how the
and their victim who is in distress grovels. For other varieties
aggressive personality causing pain or harm to anyone who stands in the way of what they
necessary, - just the costs of the struggle. The goal of most aggressive personalities is
win, not damage. In their understanding, if someone is hurt simply because
was under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys
causing people to humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive personalities, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others, they get special pleasure if
while insulting and humiliating their victim.
Predatory-aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) –
the most dangerous among all aggressive personalities. Probably the most prominent
an expert in this area is Robert Hare, whose book “Deprived of conscience. Frightening
world of psychopaths" is a very easy to read and very valuable, albeit
a chilling introduction to this area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare.
phenomenon. However, I have encountered a fair number of them throughout my career.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their dishonesty
hands go down. They tend to consider themselves superior beings for whom ordinary
humans are just fair game. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from using and abusing other people
trust. At the same time, they can behave charmingly and disarmingly. Like skillful
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerabilities of their prey and are capable of the most
vile victimization without the slightest remorse and remorse. Luckily,
most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some traits are common to different types of aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relatively
insensitive to the fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their picture of the world and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and eliminate the need to assume and be responsible for one’s own
behavior. Their distorted, wrong thought patterns in recent years
repeatedly become the subject of research. Because different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, then one subtype often also shows some
traits of another. So, a predominantly antisocial personality can carry
some elements of sadism or covert aggressiveness, and covert-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have much in common with
narcissistic. Both types have an inflated ego, both are sure that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
there is a matter of satisfying their needs rely only on themselves. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive-independent personality type, since their preoccupation with themselves leads
them to the certainty that they simply do not need anyone around. They don't need
do anything to show their competence and superiority, since they and
so completely convinced of it. But if narcissists are so self-absorbed that they can
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals,
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect it from encroachment, and actively violate the rights of others in order to protect their own
goals and maintain a dominant position.
covert aggressive personality
It can be expected that a covert-aggressive personality, being a subspecies of aggressive,
will also share some similarities with daffodils. However, covertly aggressive
personalities have many unique features that make them distinct, distinctly
distinct type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality, they
differ primarily in the way they fight. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others, using elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. On mature reflection, it is clear that they are much closer to personalities with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they have
neurotic, they may be deceived about the true nature of their character and
own covert-aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen for themselves
victim.
The unwillingness of hidden-aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that the best way to overcome an obstacle is
get around it, they become masters of the fight, which is fought by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider a key trait
covertly aggressive or manipulative personalities that extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are those
the same as other aggressive individuals. They just want to win and realized that
covert methods of warfare suit their purposes best. That's what I consider them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive personalities always strive to insist on their own or "win."
Any life situation for them, as well as for all other aggressive personalities, is
a challenge to accept and a fight to win.
2. Hidden-aggressive individuals seek power over other people and seek
subdue them. They always want to be one step ahead and in control. They are
use a whole arsenal of subtle but effective tricks to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, concede or give up something and
at the same time mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Covertly aggressive personalities can be deceptively polite, charming, and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
so that you drop your intuitive distrust and give them what they want.
4. Hidden-aggressive personalities can also be unscrupulous, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to take advantage of any of your weaknesses and strengthen
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to get
take you by surprise and not let you prepare. And if they think you crossed their path or
tried to take over them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
their battle is not over until they have won.
5. Hidden-aggressive personalities are characterized by a deep deficit of conscience. Like everyone else
other aggressive personalities, they lack internal "brakes". They know that
good and bad, but don't let that knowledge get in the way of what you want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive themselves and others.
about what they are actually doing.
6. Hidden-aggressive personalities abuse interpersonal relationships and
use them for their own purposes. They see people as pawns in a game (or battle, if you will).
life. With an aversion to weakness as such, they take advantage of every
lack of their "opponents".
As in the case of any other types, psychopathology is expressed in covert-aggressive
personalities to varying degrees. For the most serious violations of the style of interpersonal
interaction between covert-aggressive personalities goes far beyond the simple
manipulativeness. Covert-aggressive personality with severe disorders
character are able to hide a fair amount of ruthlessness and lust for power under the guise
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior of a covert-aggressive personality can be much
(Jim Jones is an American preacher, founder of the Peoples Temple religious organization. In 1978
year convinced the people of Jonestown (a village founded by members of the Peoples Temple) to commit a mass
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader and leader of the Branch Davidian sect. Was caught
in sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during an FBI siege of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)
richer than simple manipulativeness, real manipulators in the vast majority
their own are covert-aggressive personalities.
Differences between a covert-aggressive personality and passive-aggressive and other types
Just as passivity and covert aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and latent-aggressive personalities are strikingly
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of the passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but fear they lack the ability to do so effectively. Their insecurities
and hesitations about whether to take care of oneself or rely on it
predominantly on others, firmly connect them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and guardianship.
However, since the dependent and subordinate position irritates them, they often try to
get a taste of personal power, resisting cooperation with the very people whose
looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they may shift
it on your shoulders. When you accept it, they are slow to follow it. In dispute with you
they may decide that they have had enough and wish to be eliminated. But in fear that behind such
elimination may be followed by emotional rejection, they remain and sulk until
until you start begging them to tell you what's wrong. Living with a passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult, because it often seems that it is impossible to please her.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler
well describes the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
distinguishes between passivity and latent aggressiveness to a sufficient extent.
The treatment of passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the lack of support from the therapist, but hardly does the therapist try to provide
her, immediately rear up and meet the therapist’s proposals with objections like “yes,
but…” and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such pronouncedly "ambivalent" characters, driven by
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covert-aggressive. However, sometimes therapists who are unfamiliar with more
precise terms, mistakenly use the concept of manipulators to describe manipulators
"passive-aggressive", thus trying to more clearly identify the elusive
aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden-aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all come across perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We highly appreciate these qualities of theirs,
when they check our tax returns or perform brain surgery on us. Yes,
some compulsive people can be assertive, domineering, overwhelming and
controlling. But this happens because they also have a hidden
aggressiveness. The ostensible adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive personality with covert aggression are people who
trying to shove their standards down everyone else's throats.
Covert aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much of themselves
necessarily trying to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are self-absorbed. However, some
self-centered people demonstrate active disrespect for the needs of others and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some writers distinguish between mild and hard-core narcissism. However, I
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people who systematically
exploiting and victimizing others is that the latter, in addition to
narcissistic traits have a pronounced aggressiveness. In this way,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and exploit others are not just narcissists, but
also covert-aggressive personality.
Most covertly aggressive personalities are not antisocial.
Since they disregard the rights and needs of others, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek advantages over other people and resort to
by any means, except perhaps for obvious violations of the law and overt aggression,
there is a great temptation to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulations really come in
into the arsenal of some anti-social individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not show
gross aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of this. It was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent nature of manipulative people.
prudent, cunning, controlling style of interpersonal interaction. To them
trying on every conceivable label, from sociopaths to maliciously narcissistic and even how
suggested Scott Peck, "vicious" personalities. Based on my feelings from people with
elusive aggression in character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not capture the essence of a manipulative personality. It is important to be aware that
manipulation most often involves covert aggression, so skillful manipulators
These are covertly aggressive individuals.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his hidden aggressiveness
may have other personality traits. So, in addition to manipulativeness, he can
have a certain amount of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisocial and other tendencies. But, as one of my friends remarked, “it doesn’t matter if he is gray
or brown, long or short ears, a lot of wool or little - if he is big, with
tusks and with a trunk, then this is definitely an elephant. If the person you are dealing with has
those key features that are described above, it does not matter what else he has - before
you have a covert-aggressive personality.
Because predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view covert-aggressive personality as soft
psychopath variant. This point of view has the right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
cunning and manipulative among aggressive personalities. Fortunately, they are
are rather an exception. The same manipulative personalities that are described in this
book, are distributed to a much greater extent and, although they can also be up to a certain
degree to sow chaos and devastation in the lives of their victims, yet not as dangerous as
psychopaths.
How is a covert-aggressive personality formed?
Aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so steeped in neglect and mistreatment that they were
simply forced to become strong "fighters" in order to survive. But I have seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in the very
caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people derailed the process of their socialization quite early and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under the strong influence of their
excessive militancy. However, regardless of which was stronger
influence - nature or nurture - most covertly aggressive personalities in childhood
years have somehow missed some important lessons about managing their aggression and
too focused on others. Judging by the life stories with which I
had a chance to get acquainted, latent-aggressive personalities usually demonstrate the following
limitations:
1. They do not know how to figure out in which cases a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired, - "enemy". Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are on high alert.
2. They never allowed for the idea that "winning" in the long run is often
implies a readiness to retreat, take a step aside or submit to
short term. They are not able to recognize those moments when they should
succumb. The categorical rejection of the very idea of obedience does not allow them to go to those
small concessions that often lead to "victory" later.
3. They don't know how to fight the battle honestly and constructively. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now forces them to distrust their ability to win
fair fight. Perhaps they were never ready to be subjected to
the risk of injury. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go to "victory" (according to
at least in the short term) by secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they deprive themselves of the opportunity to see that
admitting defeat can carry certain constructive benefits. I believe,
that all aggressive personalities (and personalities with character disorders) at the heart of a clear
inability to draw from previous experience the lessons that we would like to teach them,
is the same mechanism. True assimilation (that is, internalization) of life
lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force, or moral
principle. Aggressive personalities do not change because they do not want to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and self-centeredness.
They are not able to realize that the mere desire to receive something can be
not enough to be eligible. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to achieve their own manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
From this, their already overgrown self-esteem is inflated even more.
6. They have not learned to sincerely respect the weaknesses of other people and empathize with them.
Any vulnerability of another person for them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional ones), they hone their skills beyond measure.
find and use the emotional "leverage" of their victims.
Fertile ground for covert aggression
Some professions, fields of activity and public institutions
provide an excellent opportunity for covertly aggressive individuals to exploit others
people for their own purposes. Politics, law enforcement, religion are some of the highlights.
examples. I do not mean to say that any politician, police officer or religious
the actor is necessarily a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungry, can't resist that brilliant opportunity
assert themselves and wield considerable power under the guise of execution
debt that these spheres open to them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, Sunday night “success” sellers, and militant
public activists, exposing articles about which then fell on the first
strips of newspapers, from the point of view of the mode of action, did not fundamentally differ from those
covert-aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. it
are just extreme extreme cases. The more insidious and skillful
a covert-aggressive personality uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
an influential position with wide powers.
How to recognize a manipulator and deal with him
It is easy to fall prey to the cunning tricks of a covert-aggressive personality. If you
want to avoid victimization, you should do the following.
1. Get to know the nature of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
they want and how they act. Study them so closely that you immediately recognize any of them.
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of covert-aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite tricks of covert-aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control others. Need to make clear
an idea not only of what covert-aggressive personalities are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, one can expect from them any steps leading to
"victory", but learn the most common tricks and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Learn the typical fears and weaknesses that make you especially defenseless.
before the tricks of hidden-aggressive personalities. Knowing your vulnerabilities is perhaps your
the most powerful tool to effectively counter the manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change about your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
The use of methods such as those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will allow you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are called more closely
introduce you to the nature of manipulative people. In every chapter to the fore
one of the distinguishing features of a covert-aggressive personality has been deduced. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to carry out these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, by which he
enjoyed.
