Somehow, at one training, we were given several tasks in turn. The first of these was that a group of eight people had to tell the same story in a circle with a continuation. Secondly, each of the participants tried during the general story to smoothly make such a continuation so that it would go as far as possible from what the previous team member was talking about. And the third exercise consisted of each storyteller trying to get the conversation back on track.

It was a lot of fun. The plot of the story being told was very "stormy", which caused loud bursts of laughter from the group. The exercises seemed very funny ... at first glance. And they turned out to be very important for working out one of the manipulative techniques used in a conversation and developing a strategy to deal with it.

So now we will talk about such a method of manipulating the interlocutor as diverting the conversation to the side. They use this technique quite often, many without even noticing it. This kind of conversation puts you (if you are the interlocutor of the manipulator) in an awkward and losing position.

The second exercise concerned the actions of the manipulator and the opportunity to feel in his “skin.

There are several ways to move the conversation to the topic that the manipulator needs:

• Translation of the conversation into a person.

The personality of a person is a very controversial topic and often causes an ill-considered emotional reaction. That is, the conversation is transferred from a constructive discussion of some issue to an emotional plane.

For example, when discussing whether to introduce the replacement of equipment for IT specialists in the next year’s budget, the head of the IT department attacks the chief accountant: “What does he understand about the importance of this equipment for the proper organization of production, he does not have the necessary education and, in general, he is a layman in technology” . And that's it, the conversation turns into a discussion of technical characteristics, and not figures of income and expenses.

Another example. One worker reproaches another that he was late from lunch today, so the client did not receive complete information on some issue. In response, the latecomer begins to remember all the flaws made by others and the conversation turns into personal squabbles. The client and his problems are forgotten for a long time.

• Focusing on particulars and general conclusions.

No one is immune from small errors. But the manipulator, as it were, howls about this, raising any error into the system.

For example, the young specialist successfully and quickly copes with the report, which took the old specialist a lot of time. Most importantly, the entire department was once and for all informed that this was a difficult and responsible job. And here - such a splinter as "young, but early."

The report is defiantly studied for some time by an old specialist who knows the "bottlenecks" of this report. And finally, here it is a minor mistake. Now you can sweep across all the work, pointing out the inattention of the author of the report, at the same time explaining to others that EVERYTHING these young people can’t do ANYTHING right the first time, shifting responsibility for their mistakes to more experienced employees. The deed is done, the enemy is destroyed! Now you can not worry about your exaggerated authority for some time.

Another example. The teacher takes the job of a student he doesn't like. He finds the first inaccuracy or ambiguity and crosses out the whole work, declaring that he does not have time to double-check all sorts of scribbles of a negligent student who can NEVER do the work right the first time, which takes the teacher's time.

• Discussing minor details.

The manipulator moves the conversation from the plane of "yes" or "no" to the plane of discussing minor details, thus making the issue seem to be resolved in principle.

For example. The head of the department raised the issue of allocating additional funds for two additional employees in the department. The senior manager begins to find out if additional employees are so important there. To which the head of the department begins a discussion about how to organize jobs for these employees, where to get the computers necessary for their work, as well as a discussion of recruitment agencies, comparing the quality of their work with the price of their services. All those present are drawn into the conversation, forgetting that the leader has not yet said his “yes” to this issue.

Another example. Wife wants a new washing machine. The family council meets to decide whether to buy a new car or repair the old one for now. In the course of the discussion, the woman takes out advertising brochures for stores selling appliances and begins to discuss the qualitative characteristics of equipment from various brands; the number of operations included in the machine and the price of each of them. As a result, the conversation turns into a discussion of details and no longer concerns the possibility of making the purchase itself.

The third exercise is to develop the ability to avoid these manipulations.

Recognizing the desire of the interlocutor to divert the conversation in the direction that this moment is beneficial to him, you need to try to return the conversation to the original topic. If a person changed the subject unwittingly, then such an attempt to direct the conversation into the mainstream of the planned conversation will only benefit the dialogue.

If it was a deliberate manipulation, then there will be a second attempt to divert the conversation into a more convenient format for the manipulator. In this case, if you do not want to play the game of "who wins", you should reschedule the conversation to another time or another day. This will let the manipulator know that his tricks do not suit you, and you are ready to stop the negotiations.

ARTICLES ON THE SAME TOPIC

Not every one of us has the talent of a virtuoso diplomat, so awkward pauses in conversations periodically arise. But what if the silence drags on or a pleasant conversation is about to turn into an unpleasant argument? Of course, the most obvious solution would be to offer to change the topic of conversation, but this is not always acceptable, so you have to resort to other methods. Let's look at ways to imperceptibly (or at least not so obviously) for the interlocutor to transfer the conversation in a different direction.

1. So that the interlocutor does not torment you with painful silence, learn to listen. People want to be heard, so it is important to give the interlocutor a sense of attentiveness to his story. This can be done with light nods or encouraging interjections. Clarifying questions on the topic of the conversation are also suitable, only you need to be careful with them so as not to turn the conversation into an interrogation.

2. If you feel that the topic of conversation is uninteresting or unpleasant for your interlocutor, then you can use the wonderful word "by the way." Cling to something in the conversation and, deftly remembering an interesting fact, transfer the interlocutor's attention to another object. Imagine that in a cafe your interlocutor noticed that the fish was not very well cooked. To prevent discussion of the incompetent cook, engage the attention of a disgruntled guest with a story about your recent trip, where you saw amazingly beautiful fish. Here you will already have a chance to talk about travel, to which many are not indifferent.

3. In the event that the topic of conversation is unpleasant for you, you can show this by silence. Your interlocutor will be uncomfortable talking into the void, and he will change the subject himself or offer to do it to you.

4. Another way to manipulate your opponent is to start talking nonsense. The more ridiculous you say, the greater will be the surprise of the interlocutor. This moment can be used to change the subject, and one can hope for a positive reaction from the interlocutor, since people usually like to be surprised.

5. Also, to change the topic, you can try to "reboot" the interlocutor. A great way to do this would be a long monotonous narrative, which will certainly catch up with melancholy and make you look for other topics for communication. The opposite technique - very fast speech, is also able to make you seek salvation in other topics.

Thus, all methods can be divided into two groups - manipulation or own initiative. Not everyone is positive about manipulation, but sometimes this is the only possible way to get away from an unpleasant conversation. In any case, it is up to you to decide whether to spend your energy and nerves maintaining a hopeless conversation or use a not-too-pretty technique to make communication mutually enjoyable.

People can't trust you fully if you can't listen. The ability to perceive information is one of the elements of the process of both informal and business communication.

A person who listens not only perceives information about what they are trying to convey to him, but also creates a process of conversation.

Few people can listen, because the main thing for people is to express themselves. However, when communicating with a partner, an employee at a business meeting, he must feel that he is significant to you.

Be the first to listen and the last to speak.
Effendi Mansurovich Kapiev

The flow of information in life

Communication can be compared with an iceberg, because, as you know, only 20 percent of the iceberg is on the surface, the rest is hidden under the water column. In a conversation, facts give only 20 percent of the information that the interlocutor is trying to convey to you, the remaining 80 are reserved for emotions, after reading which you can catch the whole essence of the conversation.

Often people do not listen to their interlocutors.

Listening carefully to the interlocutor is far from being an easy task, because a person thinks 12 times faster than he speaks. Thus, focusing on what is being said requires some effort. Listeners tend to feel awkward because they also want to speak.

If you cannot get rid of this need, then you simply cannot manage the conversation and pay due attention to your interlocutor. Many lose the ability to concentrate if they are not given a chance to speak. Thus, they can neither repeat nor analyze the information they hear.

Manage the conversation

Here are eight ways you can communicate productively and learn how to manage a conversation:

How to turn the conversation in the right direction.

The first thing you need to turn the conversation in the direction you want is intelligence, at least not below average. And even better, if you are many times superior to the interlocutor, mentally.

In order to develop a beautiful and correct speech, you need to read a lot of fiction. Not necessarily classics, you can also unpretentious detective stories. I am absolutely sure that any fiction, even silly fiction, develops the brain better than the films that television broadcasts.

But, this is all, a kind of preparation for an interesting and exciting trip, the route of which is laid by you yourself. But what to do in practice? How to skillfully change the course of a conversation? How to translate the conversation in the right direction so that the interlocutor does not even lead a mustache about it?

Everything is very simple and difficult at the same time. In this case, jewelry precision is needed. You have to do everything subtly and smoothly. It is necessary to gradually bring the interlocutor to the topic that you want to discuss. If you suddenly interrupt the interlocutor and begin to interpret your own, then he, at a minimum, will consider you ignorant. And I think you don’t need this, especially if the further conversation should flow, so to speak, along a delicate channel.

Here is an example from my life. I needed to somehow ask one person for information about one girl, which, in my opinion, he owned. The information I needed to get was, so to speak, not for everyone. If I had asked him such a question directly, he might have simply sent me. Therefore, I came from afar. I started talking about other girls and told me something about them, about their behavior. At first I looked at how he reacted to this, and only then slowly led him to the topic I needed. I found out everything I wanted without asking him a single question about it.

If you want the conversation to go along your channel, then first create another channel flowing next to yours and at some point these two channels should merge together. Well, if your interlocutor is talking about an unpleasant topic for you, then you can simply tell him that this is not pleasant for you and you do not want to discuss it.

As a result, we can say that in order to learn how to translate a conversation in the direction you need, you first need to learn how to think quickly. You need to learn to draw in your head all the ways in which the conversation can go with its further development. Well, in order to learn all this, you need to practice - talk to people more often and try to translate the conversation in the right direction for yourself. I think that with experience you will develop your own scheme and method with which you can easily manipulate your interlocutor.

There is a term, "red herring", which refers to the intentional change of topic of conversation for personal gain. This method is often used by politicians who were asked an uncomfortable question: they deftly change the subject and do it in such a way that the interlocutor may not notice. This is a very common tactic in the world of business and political discussions, but in everyday life it will not be superfluous to use this skill correctly.

But why the "red herring"? This name comes from one interesting technique by which hunting dogs are trained. To develop the instinct to chase foxes, hunters scattered brown, red-tinted herring in the path of bloodhounds. This was done in order to divert the attention of the dogs from the smell of the fox and to train the sharpness of the scent. In communication, this trick is used solely for the purpose of diverting attention.

1. What tricks politicians use and how it works

Avoiding uncomfortable questions is one of the most important skills for people who live in the world of show business and politics, who are forced to regularly perform in front of large audiences.

For example, an interviewer actively asks a movie star about a new role, and she, under the contract, does not have the right to talk about the details of the filming. In this case, as a rule, the actor smoothly shifts the subject to the expected fees or his past roles in the cinema, thus taking the conversation in a completely different direction. Most reporters are familiar with this tactic, and for them it is a kind of marker that the actor will not talk about this topic, and that other questions should be asked so as not to spoil the interview.

Politics is another arena where the red herring technique is used every day to avoid scandal, smooth things over, divert the audience's attention to other, more convenient issues, and mislead the public.

Let's take a look at the speech of the current President of the United States, Donald Trump. One of the journalists asked him how, back in 2005, Trump, in a conversation with Billy Bush, made a number of humiliating statements about women (it was in the locker room). Donald replied: “This is a locker room conversation, one of the male prerogatives. Fighting terrorism is also a man's business. I will bring down hell on ISIS. We will defeat ISIS and I will take care of it." Of course, an obvious transition that is hard to miss, but Trump raised a very sensitive topic for the American people, and who would think of returning to conversations in negligee after such a statement?

But this skill must be used wisely and skillfully, otherwise, you can generate a phrase like: “You stay here. All the best to you, good mood and health. This is an example of what not to do if you don't want people to dislike you, to put it mildly.

2. How can you use this method

The red herring method is universal, it will help you in any area of ​​life. Imagine that you came home, and your friend, a sensitive nature, decided to adopt an abandoned dog from a shelter. You understand that you yourself can barely fit in a single room, and then a cute, but at the same time loud creature will be added, which at the moment does not belong here. So how do you get your friend away from this obsessive thought? First, don't change the subject so that it's obvious, and second, start with questions about the dog. After a while, talk about a friend who also got a dog not so long ago, and switch to the personality of your friend. After some more time, you will look at photos of his girlfriend and discuss her cellulite, and talk about a cute dog will gradually come to naught.

But do not use the red herring method too often, because in this case you risk developing the habit of not solving problems, but leaving them at the first opportunity. Use this technique only when there is a real need, or soon people will begin to understand your tricks. There are many methods you can use in a debate, so don't stop there.

3. How not to fall into this trap yourself

You, too, may stumble upon an eloquent speaker who will be aware of these tricks and try to divert you from the main topic of the conversation. When you find yourself in this position and feel that the dialogue is not going according to your plan, then first make sure how carefully you listened to your opponent during the conversation, and think about what kind of reed he managed to catch on and swim out of the waters of tricky questions. Remember about markers: when it seems that the topic of the conversation has changed dramatically, go back a step and ask the question that concerns you again.

We want to end this article with a quote from Harry Truman, the 33rd President of the United States: "If you can't convince people, then confuse them."