Each of us has a familiar person who instantly attracts attention. Such people have charisma, which is difficult to resist. Fortunately, this quality can be developed in yourself. To begin with, it is worth working on self-confidence and learning how to express your respect for others, and then you should develop the skills of verbal and non-verbal communication.

Steps

How to build self-confidence

Think about what you like about yourself. People will like you faster if they see you the way you see yourself. You may find it difficult to appreciate yourself. In this case, you should remember your strengths, your skills and what makes you special. If you remember your positive traits more often, it will be easier for you to deal with doubts.

• Make a list of your positive qualities, skills and accomplishments. Ask loved ones to tell you what they like about you.
• Experiment with the external features that you like about yourself. For example, if you want to draw attention to your eyes, learn how to draw elegant arrows, and if you are proud of your legs, dress so that your legs are visible.

1. Learn think positively . A positive attitude draws people in and makes them want to spend more time with a positive person. Be an optimist, try to see the good in every situation and cheer others up. Treat problems and obstacles as opportunities rather than insurmountable difficulties. Here are some tips to help you stay positive:

   • Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. If you find yourself thinking that you will inevitably fail, respond with a positive affirmation. For example: "This is an opportunity for growth and development."
   • Surround yourself with positive people. This will help you stay positive.
   • Laugh to cheer yourself up. Watch a comedy, make a joke, or share a funny story with people. Daily laughter will help you have a positive attitude towards life.
   • Make a list of things you are grateful for.
   • Work on what you are not happy with. If you feel like blaming yourself for something, remind yourself of your progress.

2. Dress to impress people. Your clothes say a lot about how you feel about yourself and how people should perceive you. Clothing is also a reflection of how you feel at the moment. Choose clothes that make you feel great. This will communicate to others what you want to convey to people.

   • Wear clothes that fit you well. Choose attractive colors and patterns.
   • Don't wear things just because they are considered fashionable. If you don't like a thing, you won't feel comfortable in it, and it will be noticeable from the outside.

3. If you need to feel confident in your abilities, remember some of your achievements. When a person thinks about their achievements, the brain releases oxytocin, a substance that helps a person feel satisfied with himself. If you lack self-confidence, increasing your oxytocin levels will help you feel more confident for a while. If you have some important event coming up, remember what you have achieved in the past.

   • For example, you can keep photos that remind you of three great achievements in a special folder on your phone. Review them before you go to any event or important meeting.

4. Sign up for free improvisation classes. Improvisation will teach you how to speak in front of people and how to think quickly. Improvisation classes will help you get out of your comfort zone in a circle of like-minded people. Besides, you will surely have a good time.

   • Look for courses online or on social media.

   How to express your interest and respect for others

   1. Do not use electronic devices while talking to people. If you are busy with an electronic device while talking to others, people will feel less important. Put your phone on silent and put it in your pocket or bag. Do not play games on smart watches or other devices. Give your full attention to the people you interact with.

      • Take time to check for new messages on your phone. Apologize from time to time, go to the restroom and read the messages.

   2. Attentively listen when people talk about themselves. Focus on what the person is saying, not on your response. Nod, comment on what has been said (“yeah”, “interesting”, “wow”) to show your interest.

      • Ask people questions that require a detailed answer so that the conversation does not stop. Listen to the answers with sincere interest.
      • Try to paraphrase what the person said to let them know what you were listening to.

   3. Make people sincere compliments . Tell them what you like and appreciate about them. This will lift their spirits. To make the compliment more meaningful, be specific. For example, instead of the neutral “good presentation,” say: “You were very good at articulating your thoughts during your presentation today.”

      • If you compliment a person's appearance, he will be pleased. You may even like the person even more. However, this is not appropriate in every situation, especially at work.
      • Praise work, accomplishments, and skills. It will motivate and inspire people.

   4. Remember people's names. When meeting people, repeat their names out loud to make it easier for you to remember them. Address the person by name when you want to speak to them. If the person sees that you remember the name, they will feel special and interested in you.

      • To make the name stick in your memory, repeat it several times during a conversation with a person.

   5. Manifest empathy in relation to others. Think about what other people's motives might be. Try to see the situation from their point of view. Put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand how they feel. Let people know that you understand their feelings. Acknowledge their feelings and listen to their words.

      • Ask the person how they feel and listen carefully to the answer.
      • Don't judge people for acting differently than you would in a similar situation. All people have their own experience, which affects the formation of character.
      • Tell people that you have felt the same as them in the past.

   6. Talk about your challenges and how you overcame them. Inspire others with stories from your life. This will make you seem like a mature person with your accomplishments, but people will also see that you have worked hard to get where you are now.

   How to communicate with people

   1. Learn to keep up empty conversations. This is difficult for many, and this is normal, but charismatic people can talk to everyone. Make a list of topics for such conversations. Practice talking about these topics on camera or in front of a mirror to hone your communication skills.

      • For example, you can talk about the weather, your city, sports, favorite music, holidays or seasons.

   2. Joking to get closer to other people. You can tell jokes, funny stories, or make fun of yourself. This will make people feel more comfortable around you and want to spend more time with you.

      • But don't overdo it. Use jokes at the right time in a conversation or presentation.
      • For example, you can start your presentation with a joke or tell a funny story at a party.

   3. Don't hesitate to tell stories. This skill attracts people and makes a person more interesting in the eyes of others. Tell stories about yourself. Share your experience. Use special intonations, bright gestures and lively facial expressions to make others interested in listening to you.

      • Acting classes will help you develop this skill. Actors and charismatic people use the same techniques to keep the attention of the audience and awaken their emotions. In the courses you will learn how to use different intonations, shades of voice, gestures and facial expressions.

   4. Be firm in your convictions. People are repelled by uncertainty, so you should clearly define your position. Believe in the correctness of your choice and your words. Tell others that you know the answer, even if you are not completely sure. If over time you realize that you were wrong, you can reevaluate the situation and make a different choice.

      • Even if you're not sure, you will seem like a charismatic person to people if you act like you're convinced that you made the right choice. Make decisions based on the information you have now. If you decide later that you were wrong, you can change your mind.
      • For example, say "I believe in this plan" instead of "This plan might work." The first phrase shows that you are confident in your idea, and the second - that you do not fully believe in success.

   5. Treat what you are talking about with great enthusiasm. We are all attracted to people who are passionate about something. Don't talk mindlessly - only tell people what you really believe. Speak passionately and invite people to share your passion.

      • Build your life around the things you are passionate about. So you will be interesting to others as a person. If something doesn't make your heart beat faster, put it aside.

Each of us has such a friend. A person who, in principle, can do nothing and still remain the center of attention. I have always envied such people. It seemed to be like being handsome or tall: if you were not lucky at birth, there is no longer a chance to catch up.

To be honest, I can’t even give the word “charisma” an exact definition. What is it? Facial features? Character? Special attraction? I don't know, but I'm sure I can immediately tell a charismatic person from an ordinary person. Like you.

“I feel good and without charisma” - forget about it

The main difference between charismatic people is that they can influence other people. And the latter will even like it. This is especially useful at work and in business. To confirm these words, research and facts are not needed. Remember your attitude towards a friend or acquaintance with charisma, and you will understand that all this is true. We often say that money is the main thing. Sometimes it turns out that connections with the right people become a priority. And charisma is a set of qualities that can provide you with connections.

The good news is that charisma is not born.

This is easy to check. Think of any person you consider charismatic. If you communicate with him more than once a week, you will notice that his charisma is not always present. Nobody can be charismatic 24/7. It takes too much effort.

In his book Leadership Development in Balance, Bruce Avolio provides a lot of evidence for this. For example, Marilyn Monroe, who was simply gorgeous in public and who was recognized by everyone. But for the sake of the experiment, she took the subway several times. And no one recognized her there. Why?

Charisma development is hard work.

Many famous personalities have worked hard to fall into the category of charismatic for a long time. For example, Steve Jobs could not speak in public. His phrases sounded unconvincing, and his tone was boring. Years of training have passed, and he has developed charisma skills, becoming one of the examples for those who want to learn how to perform in public.

Charisma is truly being where you are.

There are many ways to be charismatic. Charisma Myth author Olivia Caban says the easiest way is to be truly present where you are. This means listening to the interlocutor carefully and sincerely. If you do him such an honor, you will be perceived as a charismatic person.

The advice is quite difficult to implement. Sincerely empathize with the interlocutor and listen carefully, even if you are not interested, is a difficult task. But this is the first obstacle that separates a charismatic person from an ordinary person. An interesting American study has shown that we often think about things that have nothing to do with what is happening at the moment. And the only thing that we give ourselves completely to is sex. But if you can be with your interlocutor here and now, at the moment, then this will already set you apart from the rest. People will feel your attention and that they are everything to you. At least for now.

Key qualities

The survival of man as an individual has always been connected with other people. In an extreme situation, we must determine whether the person wants to help us and can really do it. Therefore, a charismatic person must have two more skills:

1. Force.
2. Helpfulness and warmth.

We subconsciously consider people who combine kindness and strength as positive and try to keep them as close as possible. It is the combination of these qualities that is important. Someone powerful and powerful enough may seem impressive, but not charismatic.

An interesting case proving this occurred in the 19th century. The British newspaper journalist had the opportunity to meet with two candidates for the post of prime minister: William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli. Both candidates were considered influential, educated and strong people. After having dinner with both, the journalist came to this conclusion:

After dinner with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the smartest man in all of England. But after dinner with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the smartest man in England.

Not surprisingly, Disraeli won that election.

Types of charisma

According to Olivia, there are several types of charisma:

1. Visionary Charisma- inspire people and make them believe. An example is Steve Jobs.
2. Charisma of kindness- make others feel important. An example is the Dalai Lama.
3. Charisma of authority- make others believe that you have the power to change their lives. An example is Bill Gates.
4. Focus Charisma- show the person that at the moment you are focused only on him. An example is Bill Clinton.

The choice of the type of charisma depends on several things: your personality, goals and situation. You should not choose and train the style that does not suit your character. If you are an open and kind person, you should not try to show your authority too much. Especially if you feel it goes against your principles.

How to deal with discomfort

Any kind of discomfort, be it physical or mental, will immediately unsettle you. It is very difficult to try to pay attention to a person when you put on a scratchy warm sweater and now he has turned you into one itchy rubbed spot. Less urgent situations, such as hunger or awkwardness in dealing with new people, will also prevent your charisma from manifesting.

Professor Pentland, who researches behavioral principles, believes that there are three ways to deal with discomfort:

1. Prevent.
2. Recognize.
3. Explain.

To prevent means to plan ahead for comfortable conditions for yourself. Recognize - understand in time that you are uncomfortable and you cannot force yourself to pay attention to the interlocutor. Explain - openly tell the interlocutor what your problem is and try to fix it.

Another good way to deal with discomfort is to stop creating drama. Thousands of people have found themselves in awkward situations, meeting new people or feeling uncomfortable in the presence of anyone. Understanding that your case is not unique and easily overcome will help you get rid of awkwardness, discomfort and shame. The last one is the most important. When you are ashamed, you cannot be charismatic. Even if you try. Remember that all the situations that you go through are normal, the reaction to which is due to our survival mechanism and evolution.

Anyone can be charismatic. Charisma is a combination of body language and the experience of working on yourself and your communication skills. It takes experience to gain confidence, so feel free to communicate as much as possible. And understanding that any of your reactions - both positive and negative - is just the work of the evolutionary mechanism will help you get rid of discomfort.

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“I realized that it is impossible to follow a leader without admiring him. Delight is a stronger feeling than a feeling of power. Charisma is more effective than primitive pressure" Augusto Curi (doctor, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, scientist, writer, currently the most popular author in Brazil).

What is charisma?

The word "charisma" is surrounded by a halo of mysticism and skepticism.

Initially, the word "charisma" was used in relation to any person endowed with inner strength and power. The list of charismatic historical figures includes both heroes and villains, due to the fact that past human societies paid very little attention to ethics and morality.

Among the well-known charismatic personalities are the founders of world religions - Buddha, Moses and Christ. Charismatics include the creators of directions within world religions - Luther and Calvin, for example. On the other hand, these are great statesmen and military figures, such as Genghis Khan or Napoleon. In the twentieth century, such figures include Hitler and Mussolini, Lenin and Trotsky, but also Gandhi and Martin Luther King.

Charisma(Greek χάρισμα - mercy, gift) - a special talent of outstanding people, thanks to which they are able to do what seems to be beyond human capabilities. In a religious sense, charisma is a “gift from above”, “from God”.

• Charisma is a kind of synonym for the word "success".
• Charisma is a completely personal influence.
• Charisma is power.

Leader Charisma

Charisma and leadership is what makes some people stand out from others. After passing you will get acquainted with the basic methods and principles of self-development of the qualities and skills of a leader. The information is presented in an easy and accessible form with reference to theoretical recommendations and practical advice from leading authors and scientific publications in this area. Unlike many Internet resources, the site materials of the site comply with strict rules that improve their quality. Watch online lessons, learn valuable experience, achieve your goals.

The theory of great people(great person theory) states that a person who possesses a certain set of personality traits will be a good leader, regardless of the nature of the situation in which he finds himself. The absolute embodiment of people is the concept of a charismatic leader, before whom others bow down.

According to Olivia Fox Cabane(a recognized specialist in the field of leadership and charisma, who lectures at US and UN universities, is the head coach of top managers of many companies, helps to inspire, convince and influence other people) : "Charisma requires presence, strength and warmth. Physical and mental discomfort, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, and uncertainty interfere with her. You can reduce their negative impact by applying special exercises. You can learn a lot, says Olivia, but the warmth and interest in the interlocutor inherent in a charismatic personality should be genuine qualities coming from the heart.

Her book Charisma. How to influence, convince and inspire designed for readers who already have some charisma, but who want to learn how to manage it even better. Even if a person does not consider himself charismatic, after reading the book he will understand how his life can change.

Charisma is directly related to motivational management. Being the most subtle and difficult to explain tool, it can rightly be called the most powerful means of influence. It acts very gently and subtly, but it penetrates the very heart, stays there and continues to work.

This amazing ability to charm others is useful both in work and in personal life. After all, everyone wants good, positive relationships with other people.

At present, it is hardly possible to achieve success without possessing charismatic abilities. Therefore, taking a course on achieving success, use the recommendations of our article. Any goal is achievable if a person really wants it!

Every person has a charismatic beginning. The fact is that we simply do not always notice it in ourselves, or perhaps we do not want to notice it.

Charismatic person- this is a person who knows how to find pluses in everything, in a word - an optimist. And most importantly, he does not suffer from pride, although he respects and appreciates himself.

There are many opportunities to become more charismatic. Find the option that's right for you. Also experiment and try things you normally can't. The biggest change happens when you leave your comfort zone.

How leaders become leaders. Development of charisma

Charismatic character, as a rule, the quality is acquired. This is an axiom. To become a charismatic person, it is not necessary to have special innate traits, it is only necessary to develop the qualities already inherent in nature (they are inherent in every person) and develop them.

Charismatic individuals have a number of qualities:

1. Memorable appearance. (Not necessarily very beautiful, but attractive, as people say: "with a twist")
2. Independent. (In everything they rely only on themselves).
3. Optimists. (See only the good in everything.)
4. They radiate powerful internal energy. (People are attracted to them)
5. Calm and patient. (Know how to manage the situation).
6. Trust themselves, respect themselves and others.
7. Controls emotions and actions.
8. They have determination, courage, rationality, a strong motivational sphere, well-delivered speech.
9. Master the art of public speaking.
10. Are able to listen.
11. They have the ability to negotiate.
12. They celebrate the real dignity of a person, and do not flatter.
13. Watch your gait, posture, gestures.

All these qualities can be developed in oneself by performing simple exercises.

Charisma Exercises

Start working on yours:

• Image
• behavior
• Polish your character
• Engage in self-education
• Strive.

So, first exercise: Building the perfect look.

With your eyes closed, on the inner screen of your imagination, place the image of a person in full growth. This person, whom you trust infinitely, but he should not be your relative, friend, or acquaintance. This is a complete stranger to you.

Notice how this person is dressed. What kind of shoes he has, hairstyle, consider everything in detail.

Imagine that you are addressing this person - how is his body and head located, where is his gaze directed, how is he listening to you, where are his hands.

Open your eyes.

Please note that the image of a person pops up in our mind almost involuntarily. Of course, because it is "invested" in us from birth and honed in detail by life. Seeing it is easier than analyzing it. However, analysis is the purpose of this exercise.

It is necessary to highlight the 10 most significant qualities of the person we created. This experiment on a generalized reflex assessment of a personality from the outside reflects the stereotype of perception of a charismatic personality in society.

Second exercise: Statement of the program for good luck and luck.

In a relaxed state with your eyes closed, start thinking about your goal, how to achieve it, and how it will change your life after the goal is achieved. Think it over a few times.

Important! By having goals in place, you can even help people navigate around them so that their actions are aligned and more effective—let them benefit from moving towards a goal.

If you have any interest in the exercises presented above, then I recommend that you purchase the book "School of skills DEIR - the formation of personal charisma" by K. Titov and G. Kondakov is a whole system of transferring skills to achieve health, strength and well-being.

And in conclusion, I would like to remind you that success is achieved only by those who want more and more than ordinary people, whose goals are larger, more serious and even more fantastic than those of an ordinary layman.

Dream. Strive. Reach. Good luck!

The secret of the charm of charismatic people is difficult to reveal. Getting into the sphere of attraction of such a person, we forget that we need to figure out why we want to listen, observe and enjoy communication. How to develop charisma and is it possible.

To be successful, you have to be charming. Charm is manifested in everything and in nothing at the same time - in the energy emanating from you, in your look, gait, physique, the sound of your voice, graceful. It is not at all necessary to be recognized as handsome or beautiful, the main thing is to have personal charm.

What is charisma

Everyone among friends, acquaintances or relatives probably has people with whom it is easy and pleasant to communicate. They seem to emit rays of light, and next to them we feel smarter and better. There are always a lot of people around them, attracted by their personal charm, inner spark, zest - their charisma.

In Greek, the word "charisma" means "anointing". In charismatics, they called people with special attractiveness, in particular the goddesses of beauty. Nowadays, when we talk about a person that he has charisma, we mean his attraction to others. Such people often become leaders in any team.

In turn, charismatic individuals are able to make a strong impression and great influence on others, because they are unconditionally trusted and ready to follow them. Moreover, people with charisma are far from always positive individuals who carry bright ideas, and they may not differ in intelligence and beauty. Equally, they can be both almost saints and criminals. For example, the same Hitler is among the well-known charismatic criminals.

Often people have the qualities of a charismatic personality by nature. Many are familiar with kindergarten ringleaders-leaders who, already at such a young age, stood out among other children and enjoyed authority over them (sometimes persuading everyone to break a quiet hour or run away outside the kindergarten).

Is it possible to become charismatic

At the same time, if desired, charisma can be developed. After all, it is easier for a person who is able to charm other people to make a career and achieve the desired results in any endeavor than to be closed and unfriendly.

By the way, it also happens that the charisma of a child is "crushed" by parents - from the "best" motives. They want the child to be obedient first of all and believe that they know best what he needs. As a result, the parents themselves choose the occupation for him. Neglecting his desires, talents and inclinations, they extinguish the light in his eyes. Note that charisma consists of two parts. The first is the external impression that a person makes on others. And the second is his inner self-perception. In a charismatic person, both parts must correspond to each other.

If we think we are beautiful, smart and talented, but people do not notice (because our opinion of ourselves is too high), then we risk being branded as an “unrecognized star”. The other extreme is also familiar to everyone: a person is smart and talented, but his opinion of himself is underestimated: he is not confident in himself, considers himself a gray mouse and is afraid to be seen. Both types of personality cannot become charismatic, because the external impression they make and their own internal sensations do not match.

Thus, becoming charismatic is not easy - it will take a lot of time. However, it is possible.

How to develop charisma

The antipodes of charismatics are narrow-minded people, with a poor and uninteresting inner world and weak energy. This means that you need to constantly work on your spiritual and intellectual development, on the elimination of negative qualities and the formation of virtues.

1. Become an interesting person

In order to win over people, draw their attention to us and keep it, we must have something to say and how to interest. And for this, versatile, well-read and able to keep up the conversation. The scope of our interests should be wide enough so that we can talk with different people on different topics: politics and history, culture and science, etc.

As he wrote about Eugene Onegin:

"He had a happy talent / Without compulsion in conversation / To touch everything lightly ...".

2. Sometimes it's better to remain silent

Do not forget the golden rule: "It is better to be reasonably silent than to speak stupidly." If we have nothing to say, then it is better to remain silent so as not to be branded as a windbag or balabolka. Secondly, it is worth thinking about the consequences of our words. And thirdly, by talking incessantly, we risk getting bored. Sometimes a short thought is more impressive than a lengthy argument. The same Pushkin wrote that you need to be able to "...keep silent in an important dispute ...".

People who have a sense of humor and know how to joke attract others because they infect them with a good mood. Someone remarked: “We try not to lose our sense of humor, because without it we will be lost.”

Of course, wit is an innate quality. But learning to joke is also possible. At the same time, it is important to feel the fine line between a harmless joke and "black humor". An untimely or inappropriate joke can turn people against you and make enemies. Pythagoras noted: "A joke, like salt, should be used with moderation."

In addition, in order to make fun of others, you need to be able to make fun of yourself. As one of the greats said, "In order to show cheerful wit, you need to have at least some glimpses of humor in relation to yourself." In wit, you need to observe the measure: you should not try too hard to be funny and pour jokes without interruption, because this is annoying and annoying. Here, too, quality is important, not quantity.

Before you start joking out loud (in the absence of such a skill), you first need to learn to see the funny and try to formulate a thought to yourself. You can prepare a joke in advance, remembering, for example, a quote you like from a book or hearing someone else's, and use it in a suitable situation.

5. Be able to listen to other people

Charismatic people are attentive listeners. They treat others as if they are special. And people open up to those who are able to tune in with them on the same wavelength.

A charismatic person will find a common language with a person of any age and social class, without placing himself above or below. Without excessive importunity and curiosity, he will touch on topics that they would like to talk about, inspire disposition and trust, showing that he values ​​\u200b\u200btheir opinion.

Do not interrupt the interlocutor in impatience to express your thoughts or soar in the clouds, thinking about your own. We will win over a person more if from time to time we address him by name and express our attention with nods of agreement or brief remarks. It would be useful to say a compliment - our interlocutor certainly deserves it, and, as they say, "a kind word is also pleasant for a cat."

6. Develop self-confidence

Confident people tend to be positive, which is what attracts others. They love themselves, they like what they do and how they look. People with negative energy are always dissatisfied, prone to criticism and grumbling, repelling, because it’s scary to get infected with negativity from them.

If we need to reconsider our own attitude towards ourselves: we must first of all see the positive aspects of life, the dignity of our character and appearance, and not focus on the shortcomings. You need to fight with shortcomings, and not cultivate them in yourself, elevating them to a cult.

7. Develop charisma through body language

Our body language will tell about our shyness and indecision, as insecure people are given out by their appearance, facial expressions, and gestures. Confident gait, straight posture, ease, lack of nervousness, eye contact - these qualities are characteristic of people with charisma. It is worth observing ourselves from the outside in order to understand how far we are from the ideal.

Also, don't forget to smile. A smile is conducive to itself, shows our goodwill - it costs nothing, but it gives a lot. As Baron Munchausen said: "Smile, gentlemen ... All stupid things on Earth are done with a serious expression on your face."

Tuesday evening. I'm at the hairdresser's. Everything is as usual: shorter on the side, shorter on the back - and very uncomfortable inside. Dead silence, broken only by the clicking of scissors. It's not the hairdresser's fault, he's already covered all the usual topics (my hair, my weekend plans, what I'll be doing on holidays). Now the ball goes to me. What to do?

What is charisma? Obviously not the quality that could be suspected of me. But who do you need to be to be told about you: “Yes, this guy is special”? Can charisma be learned? Next to me sits the one who thinks: yes, you can. His name is Danish Sheikh and he is a charisma coach. His clients include executives from Yahoo and the BBC, whom he trained in the art of gaining self-confidence and "personal attraction." The Sheikh is confident that he can turn anyone into George Clooney or Brigitte Bardot. And I will be his student for two days.

I sit in my chair, choosing where else to turn the conversation. It seems easy: I'm pretty smart, I understand music and sports, I'm up to date with the latest news. In short, there are thousands of options. “What about you? I finally squeeze out. “Are you going somewhere for the holidays?”

In the mirror, I see the Sheikh wince.

- Starting from the basics, charisma is the ability to win over people solely through the strength of your personality. It's hard to put a price on that skill, he says, although he's actually already done so: £150 an hour to be exact. And many are ready to part with them.

Being attractive isn't easy

Why is charisma such an important thing? Ask Richard Reed, a British cognitive psychotherapist who - far from a timid himself - calls himself "Mr. Charisma." Reed specializes in different areas - addictions, depression, crisis management - but in 2009 he was one of the first in the UK to start teaching courses on developing charisma. Since then, his clients have included the London Transport Department, the National Crime Prevention Agency and Google.

Those who lack the proverbial EQ rely on instructions. And those who have it rely on their influence

“These organizations are no longer looking for managers,” he says. - They need leaders. And being a leader means being emotionally intelligent. Essentially, that's what charisma is."

Those lacking the proverbial EQ rely on instructions, Reed says. And those who have it rely on their influence. “If you learn to win over people, you will open up more opportunities for yourself. Plus, you will have more fun with everything - parties, interviews, communication with colleagues and friends.

Someone who, but I'm definitely not one of those whom nature has endowed with the gift of charm. Rather, I balance somewhere on the verge between clumsiness and arrogance, where the second is a way to overcome the first. But I'm 33 years old, and I'm beginning to suspect that awkwardness has finally won.

Some time ago, I wrote a column for the local newspaper, and the column was quite popular. But when readers met me in person, I felt that they were disappointed. One of them said: "It's strange - your articles are written with a twinkle, but I don't feel it in you." I understand it, but I don't know what to do with myself.

The new leader is a charismatic leader

Dr. Eric Matser is a neuropsychologist who has worked with Chelsea Football Club and the Dutch Olympic swimming team, specializing in talent optimization. “Few people are really comfortable with being themselves,” he told me. − For everyone else, charisma training can help. It is your right to want to be the best version of yourself, but you may need help. The development of personal potential is too difficult a task to solve alone.”

Meanwhile, my coach Sheikh is just self-taught. Born in India, he was a nerdy teenager, then head of operations at Yahoo. He fretted over his inability to make friends and spent ten years studying the psychology and neurology of everyday communication. Eventually, in his nearly 30 years, he turned into a full-time guru.

My first impression of him is yes, handsome, but, frankly, his charisma is not outrageous. “But you liked me,” he retorts. “So our relationship started on a positive note.” I had nothing to cover.

His first impression of me was more ruthless. He said this the morning after his visit to the barbershop. Prior to that, he walked with me everywhere all day, watched how I talk, how I behave. He summarized his observations in his office, on the blackboard. Not the most pleasant reading. But, as I was told, “only by admitting our weaknesses can we confront them.”

We can develop, practice and improve the methods and subconscious skills of interpersonal communication

So, here's what happened: I find it difficult to start and maintain a conversation; I don't look confident enough when I walk into a room; I have a closed body language; I don't look people in the eye because I perceive eye contact as an invasion of personal space. Unless I'm talking about topics that interest me (football, literature, 19th-century history, or British railways), I speak languidly, without enthusiasm.

“But don't worry,” the Sheikh encourages me. "We'll fix it all."

Natural gift or years of training?

The Sheikh's classes are based on the idea that we can develop, practice and improve the methods and subconscious skills of interpersonal communication. I think of the most charismatic people I know: did they win people over with methodical training? I think of Martin, my friend, a great journalist who is 30 years older than me. He always looks solid, but with a share of ease. It does not look out of place in any situation. And most importantly, it seems that he does not at all try to create an image for himself.

I met with Martin and asked him: did he really achieve this through conscious work on himself? “I guess I just listened more than others,” my friend shrugged. “But I don’t think that it needs to be specially studied.”

I began to tell him about my charisma lessons. He nodded, asking questions. Finally I asked him what he thought of it. “Complete bullshit,” he snapped. “Shall we crush another mug?”

By showing interest in people, you make them feel important: they will then associate this feeling with you.

Until recently, I thought that charisma is a nice addition to a public image, but not something necessary. I didn't need charisma to get the traditional benefits: a partner, a home, a job that I quite enjoy. When I called the Sheikh, I was driven by pure curiosity. I wanted to understand why the quality, which was first talked about by the ancient Greeks, suddenly became an indispensable attribute of success in the 21st century.

Perhaps, with her help, I would have got a dream job, would have been the soul of the company, instead of painfully thinking how to keep the conversation going.

“Showing interest in people, you make them feel significant: then they will associate this feeling with you. If you're distracted even for a minute, people catch it in a split second,” Sheikh explains. - Concentrate all your attention on the person in front of you - and he will be grateful. It doesn't matter where you are - in your porch or backstage at a Rolling Stones concert. If you are currently talking to a janitor, your attention should be given to him.”

We are learning the "enter the room" exercise: chin up, shoulders back, eye contact ("don't look too long, 4 seconds max, then break"), gestures ("sparingly"). Same with the voice: don't speak too fast or too slow; change the tempo to keep the listener's attention. Good posture, a strong voice and an open stance mean power.

Be yourself?

It's time for practice. Worldly chatter. Sheikh advises to keep the conversation in a semi-serious tone, to speak expressively, to ask open-ended questions. He transforms into my hairdresser, then into a production editor, then into a stranger at a party ... Not once, I must say, did I have to resort to the unfortunate question about plans for the weekend.

The Sheikh gives an exercise to develop awareness: he teaches you to be in the present moment, completely on the interlocutor. His personal secret: if he feels himself getting distracted, he takes off his glasses and wipes them down. This action, he says, makes him pull himself together. When he talks about this trick, I admire its simplicity. Later, over coffee, telling my best anecdote, I noticed that he began to wipe his glasses.

I meet the Shaykh at the last class - at the exam, if you like. We go for spontaneous acquaintances on the street. So far so good: we manage to captivate people. In a bar, a physics graduate talks about black holes, and a truck driver admits that he will be in Arbrow at the same time tomorrow. “Beautiful city,” I say, trying not to sound artificial in my voice. "You were there?" he asks in surprise. I pause and consider my answer options. “No,” I say after a moment. "But I'm sure it's a wonderful place."

During the breaks, the Shaykh gives advice: “Don't cross your arms; Maintain eye contact with everyone in turn while talking. Remembering everything—hands, eyes, active listening—is hard work. Finally, feeling that I won't last long, I clutch at straws: I tell a couple of people about my charisma development courses. And immediately the conversation revives. “I don’t need this,” the guy across from me says. - Being charismatic is just being yourself. No tricks."

Perhaps charisma is inherently simpler than we think. It's about better understanding what you are

This goes against everything I've set my mind to over the past two days. Changing all your behavior in order to learn to please others - isn't that the opposite of what is called "being yourself"? And what if, in trying to become someone else, I lose something more important - more important than the (presumably) newfound charm? Maybe it's not that I missed some opportunities? Maybe my authentic "I" never aspired to them?

I share my thoughts with the Sheikh, who already has an answer. “You exchanged contacts with this guy,” he recalls. - This is a contact built on mutual sympathy. This is exactly what charisma is for. This means that your training was no longer in vain.

Do I feel like I've changed? Not really. I will never pose like a gorilla or admire Scottish cities that I can't find on a map. But perhaps charisma is inherently simpler than we think. It's about better understanding who you are.

As we left the bar, the Sheikh and I shook hands before parting ways. Then he calls me from across the street, "Hey, let me know how your next haircut went." He raises his hand, thumb up, apparently to send me a farewell charge of his charisma. Still, I like him.