Don't waste your potential
You or your subordinates have enough talent, education and skills to do much more than you (or they) do (do) now. So what's stopping you? Since the publication of my first book, Quit Hindering Yourself, I have received hundreds of letters from people whose defeatist attitude was poisoning not only their personal lives, but also their careers. Many of them were spared pay raises, promotions, and praise from superiors. My patients suddenly included a large number of people who themselves (albeit for very different reasons) jeopardized their own careers and reputations.
Let's be clear right away - I'm not a Jack Welch boss. And I don't do investigative journalism either. I am a doctor. My task is to help people. Listen to them. Heal. Every day I work with those who harm themselves. I help them identify and overcome obstacles in their lives and help them achieve success. Because I believe you shouldn't waste your potential.
If you hold this book in your hands, you probably think that you only need to “adjust” your attitude towards work a little in order to achieve everything you want. But it is more likely that you rather feel in opposition to the whole world. Either the work has driven you into a dead end from which there is no way out, or the situation is developing in such a way that you decided to look for advice in this book.
Or perhaps you are thinking about those of your subordinates who are wasting their potential, although they have less and less time to make a brilliant career.
The positive response to my first book encouraged me to expand my practice and begin consulting with the business world. Over the past few years, I've worked with companies ranging from small family businesses to hundreds of Fortune giant corporations. My patients have included aggressive CEOs, impulsive VPs, hyperactive salespeople, and hundreds of other professionals. And all of them were either deeply dissatisfied with their work, or experienced a paralyzing fear that made them either inactive or act in the most inappropriate way. They all deserve success. What is important, in most cases and despite the obvious difficulties, all their employers believed in them and were ready to give them another chance. That's why they hired me - to help them.
I have spent hundreds of hours talking to people who are mentally prepared to commit hara-kiri at work. And in almost every case, my interlocutors had no idea what exactly was happening to them. There was a clear lack of understanding regarding their personal role in the catastrophe that had taken place (or was just being prepared). Instead of getting rid of their fears, they looked for someone to blame.
Here are some examples.
A sales agent whose source of self-respect is directly dependent on the percentage received from successful transactions. He hates his boss because he constantly raises the bar, and so, in his opinion, has reached incredible heights. He then takes out the accumulated tension either on the family or on his own health.
A production manager who, in conversations with senior management, attributes all achievements to himself, leaving his subordinates to silently seethe with rage.
An Ivy League graduate financial analyst who is unhappy about having to redo all the work for his "incompetent" colleagues.
A CEO who will never admit how much he enjoys pounding the table with his fist and intimidating his subordinates.
A marketer who believes that there is nothing wrong with sometimes writing off expenses that have nothing to do with work as “corporate expenses”.
Mark Goulston
Mental traps at work
Introduction
Don't waste your potential
“Everyone here is capable of doing what I can do and even more. Some of you will take advantage of this opportunity, some of you will not. Those who do not take advantage, know that the reason is not that the world is against you, but that you're hurting yourself."
Warren Buffett, speaking at the University of Washington
You or your subordinates have enough talent, education and skills to do much more than you (or they) do (do) now. So what's stopping you? Since the publication of my first book, Quit Hindering Yourself, I have received hundreds of letters from people whose defeatist attitude was poisoning not only their personal lives, but also their careers. Many of them were spared pay raises, promotions, and praise from superiors. My patients suddenly included a large number of people who themselves (albeit for very different reasons) jeopardized their own careers and reputations.
Let's be clear right away - I'm not a Jack Welch boss. And I don't do investigative journalism either. I am a doctor. My task is to help people. Listen to them. Heal. Every day I work with those who harm themselves. I help them identify and overcome obstacles in their lives and help them achieve success. Because I believe you shouldn't waste your potential.
If you hold this book in your hands, you probably think that you only need to “adjust” your attitude towards work a little in order to achieve everything you want. But it is more likely that you rather feel in opposition to the whole world. Either the work has driven you into a dead end from which there is no way out, or the situation is developing in such a way that you decided to look for advice in this book.
Or perhaps you are thinking about those of your subordinates who are wasting their potential, although they have less and less time to make a brilliant career.
The positive response to my first book encouraged me to expand my practice and begin consulting with the business world. Over the past few years, I have worked with companies ranging from small family businesses to hundreds of Fortune giant corporations. My patients have included aggressive CEOs, impulsive VPs, hyperactive salespeople, and hundreds of other professionals. And all of them were either deeply dissatisfied with their work, or experienced a paralyzing fear that made them either inactive or act in the most inappropriate way. They all deserve success. Importantly, in most cases and despite the obvious difficulties, all their employers believed in them and were willing to give them another chance. That's why they hired me - to help them.
I have spent hundreds of hours talking to people who are mentally prepared to commit hara-kiri at work. And in almost every case, my interlocutors had no idea what exactly was happening to them. There was a clear lack of understanding regarding their personal role in the catastrophe that had taken place (or was just being prepared). Instead of getting rid of their fears, they looked for someone to blame.
Here are some examples.
A sales agent whose source of self-respect is directly dependent on the percentage received from successful transactions. He hates his boss because he constantly raises the bar, and so, in his opinion, has reached incredible heights. He then takes out the accumulated tension either on the family or on his own health.
A production manager who, in conversations with senior management, attributes all achievements to himself, leaving his subordinates to silently seethe with rage.
An Ivy League graduate financial analyst who is unhappy about having to redo all the work for his "incompetent" colleagues.
A CEO who will never admit how much he enjoys pounding the table with his fist and intimidating his subordinates.
A marketer who believes that there is nothing wrong with sometimes writing off expenses that have nothing to do with work as “corporate expenses”.
An employee who thinks about her boss from morning to night, and a boss who constantly asks questions about this employee.
All this, down to paranoia and mutual intrigue, seems more appropriate in a Dilbert comic, but all the examples given are taken from life. Corporate behavior is in many ways horribly unfair and illogical, and it is often tempting to blame it for its failures.
The corporate environment is characterized by depersonalization, observance of a hierarchy, the complexity of internal politics, manifestations of patronage, short-sightedness in decisions, duplicity, inability to dialogue, and the like.
Of course, the corporate system needs to be adjusted. Of course, too many companies ignore the needs of their employees, including those in responsible positions. But I'm still convinced that even despite the betrayal of companies like Enron, most companies are still not completely blinded by systemic corporate thinking. Books and magazines about business are full of useful advice for those who have to exist alone inside the system.
If you look at each individual day of your work, then your relationship with the employer can be described something like this: “I give you my time and energy (both physical and mental) and generally work hard. You, in turn, pay me a salary and (if you're lucky) guarantee health insurance and some other privileges. Sounds simple, doesn't it? The problem is a factor that is not mentioned in this "social contract", but inevitably pops up in the course of evaluation of labor activity. This factor is that you are your job. In other words, you expect your work to bring you respect, recognition, success (financial and social), and happiness.
Work is not limited to salary. There is also such an element as self-respect. And that's what the company can't give you. Self-respect, like success, his twin brother, must be achieved on one's own.
Why do we interfere with ourselves
Everyone already imagines what kind of behavior should be considered defeatist. For a list of his attributes, just look at the table of contents for this book. But, even without knowing the content of each chapter, there are few people who are able to assert that the forms of behavior described in them bring benefits to a person.
Whatever we ourselves may think, the truth is that we consider work as a family: on a subconscious level, we see parents in our bosses, and brothers and sisters in our colleagues. Most psychologists will tell you that family problems translate into problems at work.
But let's try to dig deeper. Work is really not much different from school. The dress code has changed (and even then not everywhere), but a lot has remained unchanged: the same rivalry, the same gossip, the same division into friends and foes. The accepted forms of behavior continue to be used even after we receive our certificate.
I suspect that the ideas I'm voicing resonate so well among working people primarily because defeatist behavior is not only counterproductive, but deeply shameful. It's one thing to ruin a relationship with a friend or relative. It is quite another thing to embarrass yourself in the office, in public, where any mistake is much more noticeable. Do something stupid at home, and no one but your family will know about it. But once you make a mistake at work, gossipers will spread the word about it throughout the office, and even around the world, with the help of the Wall Street Journal.
The question arises: where does defeatist behavior come from?
In my work as a medical practitioner and scientist, I have found many parallels with the business world. I was extremely interested in the topic of human embryology. The development of the fetus in the womb repeats all stages of the phylogenetic tree: at first, the embryo looks like a primitive sponge, then a worm, then a fish. I was especially captivated by the development of the brain - a neural tube arises from several cells, then the ventricles and the cerebral cortex form. If at first a small set of cells is capable of only simple reflex activity, then in the end it turns into a highly complex mechanism with "executive functions" through which we can work, make decisions, communicate with others and find ingenious solutions to emerging problems.
But it turns out that defeatist behavior is much closer to the reflex, animal part of our nature than to its more developed, human part.
In a corporate environment, people who suffer from defeatist habits tend to behave like nervous dogs at a trade show.
When I described this situation to George, he understood everything, but still did not know what to do. George is an ambitious and energetic man and, like many other such people, adores his children, especially his son Jake. Jake suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and, like his father, constantly does everything at the last moment. Because of this, he chronically fails in school. Of course, he was angered by the impossibility of fully realizing his own intellectual potential. One day he said to George: “What is the use of the mind if you cannot use it? It would be better if I were an idiot - then I would not have to go out of my way, trying to prove to myself and others that I am capable of much. For George, these words were an echo of what he himself felt.
I suggested that George take some of the work home and work on the articles while sitting at the same table as Jake when he did his homework. “The two of you will not be so bored doing what you hate, but what you must do,” I suggested.
George immediately agreed, saying that he would do anything to make his son feel better.
No sooner said than done. Father and son spent time working together every day on projects that were usually delayed until the last minute. In just a few months, things were looking up for both of them. Due to the fact that they worked together, the work ceased to seem so tedious and became easier.
“The team bears their burden together and shares the grief for everyone.”
Douglas Smith
Helpful explanation. We procrastinate, not out of laziness, but because we are emotionally overwhelmed.
Necessary steps
1. Ask a friend for help. When emotions overwhelm you, there is no strength left for action. Ask a friend or colleague for help - they are on your side, but they are not going to indulge you. Ask them to listen to you and tell them about your fears. Check in every week to see how they are doing and have them do the same for you (this is the basic principle of all programs like the Twelve Steps, by the way).
2. Don't spray. Pick the two most important projects you're currently putting off. You should not choose more than two - long lists too often suffer the sad fate of being postponed again.
3. Keep working together until these two projects are completed. Then add two other projects and get on with them.
4. Over time, you will develop the ability to speak out loud about your fears, and in work you will begin to rely more on yourself than on your partner.
Going on the defensive
“I will never allow myself to fall so low as to hate a person.
I will not allow any person to humiliate my soul by making me hate him.
Booker Washington
Ask a question. What do you hear when you argue with someone? It is much more important to tell the opponent: "I am right, and you are not." When you hear people say “I'm right and you're wrong” (whether or not that's what the other person really means), it means you're on the defensive.
What you really want to say in response is, "Damn, I'm not (always) wrong!"
If you chose answer number two, then you are too often self-confident. It seems to you that it is not you who are attacking your opponent, but vice versa. The funny thing is, your interlocutor most likely feels the same way. Neither you nor he wants problems (unless, of course, everything is in order with your head). But both of you consider it necessary to defend yourself, because it seems to you that you are being attacked. For both you and your opponent, this is just self-defense.
I was recently asked to resolve a dispute between two CEOs. I asked each of them to ask their opponent one question: "Didn't you tell me that I was wrong and you were right?" Both answered: "No." And only then did they see that the interlocutor did not attack each of them at all, which did not prevent him from defending himself too zealously.
“If you could read the secret history of your enemies, then in the life of everyone you would find so much grief and suffering that they would be enough to destroy all hostility.”
Henry Longfellow
Where does the aggressive form of self-defense come from? The answer is the same - from childhood. If your parents told you (directly or not) that you were wrong—or worse, that you were dumb, incompetent, or simply a failure—then as an adult you will retain the belief that people tell you the same thing (see p. "Introduction. Why do we interfere with ourselves").
Who the book is for: if you are a master of communication, or an inveterate intriguer, and it is not a problem for you to take and spin something like that since school age - this book is not for you. If you complain that you work in a "viper" or a serpentarium and it annoys you very much, colleagues there are intriguers, subordinates are lazy, irresponsible, etc., the boss is a despot and a tyrant and it's easier to die than endure all this - the book is definitely for you. If you are a beginner and just starting a career path in a large organization, or not very large, or you are an individual entrepreneur and are going to become an employer, the book is also for you.
Who is author? Professor of psychiatry, business consultant. He has been named America's Best Psychiatrist three times (2004, 2005 and 2009). Among his clients were such companies as Goldman Sachs, IBM, Bloomberg, Federal Express, Accenture and many others. He created his unique technique while working with the FBI negotiators (those who release the hostages) and the US police.
I liked it, without water, I found a lot of explanations why some people behaved this way and not otherwise, although I haven’t finished reading it yet.
Excerpt:
“You or your subordinates have enough talent, education and skills to do much more than you (or they) do (do) now. So what’s stopping you? ", I received hundreds of letters from people whose defeatist attitude poisoned not only their personal lives, but also their careers. Many of them were spared salary increases, promotions and praise from superiors. Among my patients there were suddenly a lot of people who themselves (albeit for very different reasons) jeopardized their own careers and reputations.
Let's be clear right away - I'm not a Jack Welch boss. And I don't do investigative journalism either. I am a doctor. My task is to help people. Listen to them. Heal. Every day I work with those who harm themselves. I help them identify and overcome obstacles in their lives and help them achieve success. Because I believe you shouldn't waste your potential.
If you hold this book in your hands, you probably think that you only need to “adjust” your attitude towards work a little in order to achieve everything you want. But it is more likely that you rather feel in opposition to the whole world. Either the work has driven you into a dead end from which there is no way out, or the situation is developing in such a way that you decided to look for advice in this book.
Or perhaps you are thinking about those of your subordinates who are wasting their potential, although they have less and less time to make a brilliant career.
The positive response to my first book encouraged me to expand my practice and begin consulting with the business world. Over the past few years, I have worked with companies ranging from small family businesses to hundreds of Fortune giant corporations. My patients have included aggressive CEOs, impulsive VPs, hyperactive salespeople, and hundreds of other professionals. And all of them were either deeply dissatisfied with their work, or experienced a paralyzing fear that made them either inactive or act in the most inappropriate way. They all deserve success. What is important, in most cases and despite the obvious difficulties, all their employers believed in them and were ready to give them another chance. That's why they hired me - to help them."
Introduction
Don't waste your potential
“Everyone here is capable of doing what I can do and even more. Some of you will take advantage of this opportunity, some of you will not. Those who do not take advantage, know that the reason is not that the world is against you, but that you're hurting yourself."You or your subordinates have enough talent, education and skills to do much more than you (or they) do (do) now. So what's stopping you? Since the publication of my first book, Quit Hindering Yourself, I have received hundreds of letters from people whose defeatist attitude was poisoning not only their personal lives, but also their careers. Many of them were spared pay raises, promotions, and praise from superiors. My patients suddenly included a large number of people who themselves (albeit for very different reasons) jeopardized their own careers and reputations.Warren Buffett,from a speech at the University of Washington
Let's be clear right away - I'm not a boss in the spirit of Jack Welch. And I don't do investigative journalism either. I am a doctor. My task is to help people. Listen to them. Heal. Every day I work with those who harm themselves. I help them identify and overcome obstacles in their lives and help them achieve success. Because I believe you shouldn't waste your potential.
If you hold this book in your hands, you probably think that you only need to “adjust” your attitude towards work a little in order to achieve everything you want. But it is more likely that you rather feel in opposition to the whole world. Either the work has driven you into a dead end from which there is no way out, or the situation is developing in such a way that you decided to look for advice in this book.
Or perhaps you are thinking about those of your subordinates who are wasting their potential, although they have less and less time to make a brilliant career.
The positive response to my first book encouraged me to expand my practice and begin consulting with the business world. Over the past few years, I have worked with companies ranging from small family businesses to hundreds of Fortune giant corporations. My patients have included aggressive CEOs, impulsive VPs, hyperactive salespeople, and hundreds of other professionals. And all of them were either deeply dissatisfied with their work, or experienced a paralyzing fear that made them either inactive or act in the most inappropriate way. They all deserve success. Importantly, in most cases and despite the obvious difficulties, all their employers believed in them and were willing to give them another chance. That's why they hired me - to help them.
I have spent hundreds of hours talking to people who are mentally prepared to commit hara-kiri at work. And in almost every case, my interlocutors had no idea what exactly was happening to them. There was a clear lack of understanding regarding their personal role in the catastrophe that had taken place (or was just being prepared). Instead of getting rid of their fears, they looked for someone to blame.
Here are some examples.
A sales agent whose source of self-respect is directly dependent on the percentage received from successful transactions. He hates his boss because he constantly raises the bar, and so, in his opinion, has reached incredible heights. He then takes out the accumulated tension either on the family or on his own health.
A production manager who, in conversations with senior management, attributes all achievements to himself, leaving his subordinates to silently seethe with rage.
An Ivy League graduate financial analyst who is unhappy about having to redo all the work for his "incompetent" colleagues.
A CEO who will never admit how much he enjoys pounding the table with his fist and intimidating his subordinates.
A marketer who believes that there is nothing wrong with sometimes writing off expenses that have nothing to do with work as “corporate expenses”.
An employee who thinks about her boss from morning to night, and a boss who constantly asks questions about this employee.
All this, down to paranoia and mutual intrigue, seems more appropriate in a Dilbert comic, but all the examples given are taken from life. Corporate behavior is in many ways horribly unfair and illogical, and it is often tempting to blame it for its failures.
The corporate environment is characterized by depersonalization, observance of a hierarchy, the complexity of internal politics, manifestations of patronage, short-sightedness in decisions, duplicity, inability to dialogue, and the like.
Of course, the corporate system needs to be adjusted. Of course, too many companies ignore the needs of their employees, including those in responsible positions. But I'm still convinced that even despite the betrayal of companies like Enron, most companies are still not completely blinded by systemic corporate thinking. Books and magazines about business are full of useful advice for those who have to exist alone inside the system.
If you look at each individual day of your work, then your relationship with the employer can be described something like this: “I give you my time and energy (both physical and mental) and generally work hard. You, in turn, pay me a salary and (if you're lucky) guarantee health insurance and some other privileges. Sounds simple, doesn't it? The problem is a factor that is not mentioned in this "social contract", but inevitably pops up in the course of evaluation of labor activity. This factor is that you are your job. In other words, you expect your work to bring you respect, recognition, success (financial and social), and happiness.
Work is not limited to salary. There is also such an element as self-respect. And that's what the company can't give you. Self-respect, like success, his twin brother, must be achieved on one's own.
Why do we interfere with ourselves
Everyone already imagines what kind of behavior should be considered defeatist. For a list of his attributes, just look at the table of contents for this book. But, even without knowing the content of each chapter, there are few people who are able to assert that the forms of behavior described in them bring benefits to a person.
Whatever we ourselves may think, the truth is that we consider work as a family: on a subconscious level, we see parents in our bosses, and brothers and sisters in our colleagues. Most psychologists will tell you that family problems translate into problems at work.
But let's try to dig deeper. Work is really not much different from school. The dress code has changed (and even then not everywhere), but a lot has remained unchanged: the same rivalry, the same gossip, the same division into friends and foes. The accepted forms of behavior continue to be used even after we receive our certificate.
I suspect that the ideas I'm voicing resonate so well among working people primarily because defeatist behavior is not only counterproductive, but deeply shameful. It's one thing to ruin a relationship with a friend or relative. It is quite another thing to embarrass yourself in the office, in public, where any mistake is much more noticeable. Do something stupid at home, and no one but your family will know about it. But once you make a mistake at work, gossipers will spread the word about it throughout the office, and even around the world, with the help of the Wall Street Journal.
The question arises: where does defeatist behavior come from?
In my work as a medical practitioner and scientist, I have found many parallels with the business world. I was extremely interested in the topic of human embryology. The development of the fetus in the womb repeats all stages of the phylogenetic tree: at first, the embryo looks like a primitive sponge, then a worm, then a fish. I was especially captivated by the development of the brain - a neural tube arises from several cells, then the ventricles and the cerebral cortex form. If at first a small set of cells is capable of only simple reflex activity, then in the end it turns into a highly complex mechanism with "executive functions" through which we can work, make decisions, communicate with others and find ingenious solutions to emerging problems.
But it turns out that defeatist behavior is much closer to the reflex, animal part of our nature than to its more developed, human part.
In a corporate environment, people who suffer from defeatist habits tend to behave like nervous dogs at a trade show.
Some dogs growl when they are frightened - this is the so-called "aggressive startle". Others whine and back off - this is "avoidance fear". Both are instinctive behaviors, and if not corrected by proper training, it can be guaranteed that no rewards will be seen for the dog. In fact, both of these forms of behavior are two sides of the same coin - fear.
Animals are far from the only creatures in which fear breeds defeatist behavior. When it comes to people, both hidden and explicit manifestations of fear and avoidance in the workplace are things that are downright dangerous and extremely harmful. You have to pay for them with your own success and happiness, not to mention the chances of getting the Best in Show medal.
Most of those who harm themselves out of fear do not realize this. They do not even imagine how much their animal instincts poison their lives and hopes for a better future. Instead of facing the truth and giving a sober assessment of what is happening to them, they prefer to blame the HR department, "hiring idiots", or "blind and brainless" bosses, or the company as a whole.
However, if you look closely, it becomes obvious how groundless all these accusations are - even if the person himself does not notice this.
Why this happens is a much more complex question. In a number of subsequent chapters, we will show that the reasons for such behavior are rooted in childhood. In essence, a person's personality is a set of habits (both good and not so good) inherited from childhood.
In my presentations, I use two diagrams to explain how and why defeatist behavior develops (Appendix 1 and 2 at the end of the book).
The following is an analysis of these schemes.
Success: two steps forward, one step back
From the beginning of life to its very end, all we do is take steps into the unknown. The very first step of a child is as frightening as it is inspiring. The real challenge for a developing person is not only how to take the first step, but how to behave if you take this step and fall. To achieve success in life, you need to make sure that you take two steps forward and one back, and not vice versa.
Imagine a child taking his first step. First, he crawls on all fours, then stands, clinging to a chair or parental leg, and then he joins the homo erectus community - upright people. Having let go of a reliable support, he tries to maintain balance, looks back at the parent (child psychologists call this stage the French word rapprochement, which means "rapprochement"). Confident, he moves forward.
Sooner or later he falls down and starts crying; a minute ago he felt like Superman in a diaper, and now he suddenly became small and defenseless again. The feeling of power turned into impotence. He looks back at his parent again, looking for moral support - what happened to him was nothing more than an unfortunate oversight and does not mean at all that there is no point in getting up and trying again. If he receives this support, he rises and makes a new attempt. This is repeated day after day, until at last he is able to walk on his own. When this happens, he has a small piece of self-confidence in his brain that is built into his developing personality. The further, the more he develops, turning into a person - confident in himself and his own abilities.
“You cannot discover new lands without losing sight of the coast for a long time.”This process takes a lifetime. The personality and character of a person is constantly developing in the course of this kind of educational dance - two steps forward, one step back. If you fall, take a break, recuperate, make the necessary adjustments and try again. In the process, we make mistakes and learn from them; over time, we form in ourselves such character traits as perseverance, perseverance, efficiency.
As you move forward, the blood boils in your veins, you can not wait to find a worthy problem to grapple with it, to test your own strength. The world is full of possibilities and life is worth living.
Defeat Behavior: What's In, Comes Out
Now let's talk about what happens if you interfere with yourself. If as a child you took a step into the unknown, then another, and then fell, then, of course, you looked back at your parent in search of support. But what if you didn't get it? There can be no question of any movement forward - instead, you either remain in place, or (even worse) step back. You feel insecure, weak, incapable of anything. And looking for any way to deal with these feelings. One solution is the so-called emotional anesthesia. It is a way of dealing with negative emotions that provides solace from the emotional trauma inflicted, but does not really solve the problem itself. As a result, there is no benefit from this decision - only harm.
What happens when a child is criticized (and feels “bad”), ignored (and feels alone and helpless), or spoiled (and doesn’t understand what happens when he is not spoiled)? He reacts to all this with fear, guilt and shame, anger and misunderstanding. Of course, there can be no question of any self-confidence. Every time you fall, instead of getting up and trying again, you're looking for "emotional anesthesia." Yes, it brings relief, but in the end it leads to the formation of defeatist behavior.
"What you do with children is what they will do with society."By perceiving such patterns of behavior, you are wasting your time and squandering your potential. The world for you is not an amazing place full of opportunities for learning, but a terrifying battlefield where everything is set against you. Because of this, your life and career come to a standstill. If you succumb to this behavior long enough, it will become a habit and eventually become a part of your personality that is extremely resistant to change. That is why you should not despair if at first you cannot get rid of such habits. Impatience in this case is itself a form of defeatist behavior.Carl Menninger
The trick is to break the cycle of ingrained negative assumptions - by doing this, you can develop the inner strength and confidence that will help you in work and in life. In practice, this means that you need to change the tone of your inner voice. Instead of the aggressive, critical, evasive, or indulgent “emotional anesthetist,” you need a confident, trusting personal trainer to speak up. Just the way you've always needed it.
"There is no human nature - there is animal nature and human potential that allows you not to succumb to it."Unknown author
How to use this book
Working as a consultant allowed me to become familiar with the three levels of the corporate world: sales departments, middle management, and managers at the very top of the hierarchy. And each of these three groups had its own source of defeatist behavior.
Moreover, at the beginning of my work with them, I managed to hurt myself a lot, because I did not take into account that everyone has different reasons. And that is why I think it is very important to show how to use this book correctly.
If you are more interested in the end result - for example, if you work in the sales department, then explaining how and why my approach is effective is unlikely to be of interest to you. Perhaps you are only interested in how to defeat defeatist behavior in yourself, in which case headlines and instructions will be enough for you. If you are a middle manager, then in addition to the final result, you are probably also interested in the strategy for effectively managing your subordinates. That is, you are interested in knowing as this book can help. In this case, I advise you to pay attention to the "Useful Explanations" in each chapter. Also, do not miss the stories set out in each chapter - it is quite possible that you will recognize yourself or one of your colleagues in their heroes.
And if you are in a high position in the company, then I would venture to suggest that it would be useful for you to learn about the reasons why you, your relatives, colleagues or subordinates succumb to defeatist behavior. For a senior manager, understanding the details is an extremely valuable and necessary quality, because you are able to prove yourself in the best quality when you know not only what works, but as and why.
And if the tips in this book seem particularly relevant to your situation as a manager, then feel free to build on them as you talk to your subordinates and help them overcome defeatist behavior. I especially remember a very original and effective approach used in one company - the “pair system”. Its essence is that the manager and his subordinates form a pair, each member of which is responsible to the other and does not allow him to succumb to defeatist behavior. For example, a boss may focus on fighting overly blunt statements, while his subordinates may focus on fighting excuses for every slip.
If you or one of your colleagues sees only the source of stress in every job challenge and fights with it, succumbing to defeatist behavior, then both suffer. In essence, you voluntarily give advantage to your rivals. If you decide to help yourself or your colleagues using this book, everyone will benefit - by mastering the skills to overcome the obstacles you face, you will stop hindering yourself and each other and find yourself on the path to success.
(For more detailed guidance on using this book, see Appendix 3: Twelve Steps to Stop Getting in the Way at Work.)
Finally, in terms of chapter order, some forms of defeatist and self-deprecating behavior are much more common than others (as far as I can tell from my own experience). Here in the book, the chapters devoted to them are arranged in descending order.
Good luck to you!
Mark Goulston
Chapter 1
Endless delays
“Constantly postponing things until tomorrow is certainly our favorite form of self-harm.”When I ask listeners in my lectures what they need to be more successful, I hear a lot of answers: “Close more deals”, “Spend more time with clients”, “Make business connections more actively”, “Come to work earlier and leave later”. ". But almost never I hear a frank: "Stop putting everything off until tomorrow."
But when I ask them what they think will happen if they stop postponing important things until tomorrow, everyone invariably answers, “I will achieve success beyond my wildest dreams.”
At work, constant delays sometimes take on epidemic proportions, and of all forms of self-harmful behavior, this is the most common.
It is one thing to pull the cat by the tail in matters that concern only you, such as endlessly putting off the decision to start eating right. It is quite another thing to interfere with the work of others. When this happens, trouble and dissatisfaction with colleagues cannot be avoided.
The reasons for endless delays can be very different. Some people hate working on a schedule. Others become catatonic over the importance or scope of the work ahead. And some can't get started because they can't prioritize, or because they don't know where to start—and fear or shame doesn't let them ask for advice.
George is the editor of a major magazine. He is well-read, talented and well versed in his subject - science and technology. But he submits all his articles at the last moment. He sits down for them only a week or two before the deadline - even if the article requires serious preliminary preparation. Sometimes he doesn't sleep at night, hastily finishing the material - to the frank displeasure of the production department. The magazine's CFO soon grew tired of this state of affairs: “I don't care that you're so talented,” she told him. – By constantly exposing the entire editorial staff to the danger of missing deadlines, you interfere with the work of others and cost the company too much. Either change your routine, or look for another job."
“Permanent delays are the most common and dangerous of diseases, poisoning happiness and hindering success.”In fact, by postponing some business, you are postponing not work, and the need make a decision. The reason lies in the fact that you are possessed by extremely strong emotions. If you're constantly dragging your feet, it's likely that you did something as a child that caused a negative reaction from your parents, teachers, coaches, or other adults. Over time, the fear of making mistakes and doing something wrong only becomes stronger. Fear of punishment overpowers the desire to act. Emotions paralyze you.Wayne Gretzky
This behavior can eventually drive you into a corner: either you finally take on the task that you have been putting off, or you will look for another job. When the threat of being fired or reprimanded rises in front of you in full growth, a very interesting thing happens to your body - it begins to produce incredible amounts of adrenaline. Thanks to him, your attention is sharpened to the limit - usually this happens in situations called "fight or flight." Neurons begin to work quickly and efficiently, you become able to make decisions on the fly and act at incredible speed. Perhaps this may explain the fact that many of those suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder tend to leave things to the last minute. Being pressed against the wall, their body begins to produce adrenaline - a natural analogue of Ritalin.
If you are used to putting off things until the last minute, then most likely, in the end, you still manage to do them on time. However, with age, the problem is aggravated, because constantly jumping from a quiet pool of idleness into a stormy river of adrenaline is clearly not good for the body. The hormonal balance is disturbed, and sooner or later you will be unable to finish the job at the last moment.
When I described this situation to George, he understood everything, but still did not know what to do. George is an ambitious and energetic man and, like many other such people, adores his children, especially his son Jake. Jake suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and, like his father, constantly does everything at the last moment. Because of this, he chronically fails in school. Of course, he was angered by the impossibility of fully realizing his own intellectual potential. One day he said to George: “What is the use of the mind if you cannot use it? It would be better if I were an idiot - then I would not have to go out of my way, trying to prove to myself and others that I am capable of much. For George, these words were an echo of what he himself felt.
I suggested that George take some of the work home and work on the articles while sitting at the same table as Jake when he did his homework. “The two of you will not be so bored doing what you hate, but what you must do,” I suggested.
George immediately agreed, saying that he would do anything to make his son feel better.
No sooner said than done. Father and son spent time working together every day on projects that were usually delayed until the last minute. In just a few months, things were looking up for both of them. Due to the fact that they worked together, the work ceased to seem so tedious and became easier.
