Others can be very annoyed by this style of communication. Agree, it looks rather strange when a completely normal outwardly guy suddenly declares: "Andrey is already tired of working" instead of "I'm already tired of working."
Understand the psychology of this behavior before you fearfully avoid it.
Interesting! Scientists conduct a special psychological test, the participants of which try to tell about themselves and their habits in the first, second and third person, both in the singular and in the plural. The participants themselves were surprised to find that they experienced completely different emotions.
If a person speaks of himself in the third person, using the pronoun “He / She” instead of “I”, or in general, calling himself by his name, he most likely treats his life and habits with humor. Psychologists managed to establish that it is communication in this form that allows you to most effectively convey the goal and interests of a person to the interlocutor.
From a psychological point of view, this manner of speaking means that a person looks at himself and the current situation from the outside. Thus, the emotional pressure on the narrator is reduced, although he remains attentive and focused. Such people can easily solve any problem that arises.
Other opinions
The most common opinion of others is that people who talk about themselves in the third person have too high self-esteem and do not put others in anything. Admittedly, this hypothesis is not devoid of some truth.
When it comes to an official or a person holding a high position, he can really psychologically enjoy his importance and power. Some even refer to themselves in the plural, using the pronoun "We". It is the latter who consider themselves so influential that they do not take into account either the opinion or the interests of others.
But ordinary people are unlikely to morally elevate themselves above others by talking about their lives and activities in a third person. Often this manner of communication is used in order to show the irony of the attitude towards oneself.
It is likely that a person is embarrassed to tell some life moments, and the transition to this type of narration allows him to describe the situation more freely and with humor, while at the same time not feeling responsible for what happened.
Some psychologists consider this habit to be negative. It may indicate that a person has too low self-esteem, and in especially difficult cases, we can even talk about an inferiority complex. Sometimes the habit of talking about yourself in the third person indicates the initial stage of schizophrenia.
If you have a habit of talking about yourself in the third person, don't get upset. After all, all people have flaws, and this one is not considered so terrible as to be discouraged.
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Did the title of this article remind you of one of your friends and acquaintances? Or maybe several at once? It's not that you have some specific environment - it's just that this problem has become more and more common lately.
One of the reasons is the popularity of social networks, in which it is customary to measure success and emphasize one's individuality in every possible way. Many transfer the virtual style of self-promotion into ordinary communication. But according to psychologist Saverio Tomasella, this reason is far from the only one.
Problems of education
People who talk only about themselves are the easiest to suspect of egocentrism. However, most often this behavior occurs unconsciously. This way of communication seems to them the only correct and possible one.
Its origins lie in childhood, when parents convinced the child every day that he was better, smarter, more beautiful and more interesting than others. Of course, parents do this out of good intentions, wanting to raise their children as leaders or just people without complexes. As a result, such children very quickly learn to reduce any conversation to their problems and desires, and then they cannot reorganize.
Escape from emotions
Some people are simply not capable of empathy: they do not know how or do not want to empathize. Therefore, every time you try to dedicate them to your problems, consult or just pour out your soul, they turn the conversation on themselves.
This technique is not a manifestation of selfishness, as it might seem. This is a way to protect yourself from emotions, to interrupt an unpleasant conversation.
The manner of talking about your life all the time, without listening to others, suggests that a person has broken contact with himself and with others. A person is so absorbed in his own feelings, desires or fears that he loses touch with the real world and does not take into account the interests of others.
Salvation from loneliness
Another reason for this behavior is the fear of being alone with your feelings. The fear of loneliness makes a person remind others of himself all the time. This helps him isolate himself from the obvious truth: each of us is alone anyway.
An overly frank interlocutor seems to be trying to merge with another person, perceiving him as his continuation. Therefore, there is no symbolic distance in his communication.
Difficult childhood
Very often, children from dysfunctional families turn out to be too frank and talkative. If a child grows up in constant fear and lacks the love or attention of parents, he does not form a psychological space of personality with an area of mystery. In addition, adults simply could not teach the child silence or modesty.
Wanting to hide the real you
Love for theatrical gestures, simulated monologues and other public appearances that allow you to attract attention, psychotherapists explain personality disorder. The unconscious purpose of such antics is to impress and hide one's true self. Shocking statements and radical views serve as a smokescreen to hide vulnerabilities. At the same time, often behind such a mask is an alarming question: “Do I deserve love and respect?”
Striving for recognition
People who sincerely consider themselves experts on all sorts of issues crave recognition. And they only talk about themselves. This is a kind of attempt to assert itself and raise self-esteem. Such people like it when they turn to them for advice and listen to their recommendations: you accidentally mentioned that you were going on vacation to Italy, and the interlocutor already tells how he rested there several years ago, advises the hotel and tells in detail about his experience.
Lack of attention
Sometimes self-obsession indicates that a person lacks attention. This is easiest to see in the example of older people who “boost” young people with stories from their lives. If your elderly relative talks a lot about himself, just try to give him more time.
Desire to fill the void
Let's not deny the obvious: talking about yourself is simple and pleasant. Each of us knows this “topic” best of all and can talk about it for hours. Perhaps the interlocutor decided to tell about himself, because he does not know what else to talk about with you, and it seems inappropriate for him to remain silent in this situation.
about the author
You'll keep some teeth, and your candidate... maybe other useful organs.
Women who do not know how to provide for themselves: using a separator for them threatens to starve to death;
And to all those who live according to the principle "for lack of a stamp, we write in plain language", in other words, those who compromise with their ideas and wishes.
Whoever is afraid to be left without stamped paper and the corresponding stamp on it is too late to drink Borjomi: he has already lost.
They say that a real egoist is one who thinks too much about others. Concerned about the opinions of others about his person, he inevitably loses sight of his own desires. “I don’t want to, but it’s accepted”, “I don’t like it, but others are not better”, “I don’t ..., but all my friends are already”, etc. As a result, an abyss of energy and strength is spent on acquiring the attributes required by the environment. Where can you find time to think about what you really want, and not your vanity. Or you really don't want to.
According to statistics, about 15% of the population is organically unable to maintain long-term relationships. Twice as many are unable to do so due to external circumstances. Few have the courage to admit it.
But even more are simply immature, who decided to build a house, starting not from the basement, but from the roof. Is it not in their interests to first thoroughly work on themselves, and postpone acquaintance until better times?
And now it's time to start our ripe and unripe fruit sorter. Rejection occurs ... yes, yes, according to the color of the peel, as in all similar units. I'm sorry, what? Appearance is not important? Well, yes, "mothers tried unripe grapes, and children have set teeth on edge."
ACQUAINTANCE
You can get acquainted anywhere - at a party and in a university auditorium, on the street and on the way to a car service, in a store, and even at the funeral of a paternal fourth cousin. Dating in an already well-known circle is in many ways more predictable - it is very unlikely to meet a plumber at a buffet table on the opening of a new boutique or start a stormy romance with a foreign diplomat at the birthday party of a friend who is a kindergarten teacher near Moscow. In addition, if you become interested in a person "from your own", mutual acquaintances will inevitably be found, and it will not be difficult to find out from them everything that is needed about the "candidate". What is the number of ex-wives and salary - nonsense, lovers of gossip (and who doesn't? Are there any? Get out of order, do not disgrace our orderly ranks!) "Give out" everything, right down to culinary preferences and the color of socks.
Much more unpredictable are acquaintances on the street and through advertisements in magazines and on Internet sites.
How, without wasting extra time and effort, "weed out" during a preliminary conversation or, in extreme cases, on the first or second date, MEN COMPLETELY UNSUITABLE FOR LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS, about which it is impossible to make inquiries from mutual acquaintances?
Very simple - carefully watch, listen and analyze. Most of the masculine qualities that can spoil an honest girl's life are downright striking if these eyes are not covered with rose-colored glasses. So...
Meeting on the street
“Thousands of people were walking along Tverskaya, but I guarantee you that she saw me and looked not only anxiously, but even as if painfully. And I was struck not so much by her beauty as by the extraordinary, unseen loneliness in her eyes!” (c) M. Bulgakov, "The Master and Margarita"
In a casual acquaintance on the street, the first thing you willy-nilly pay attention to is the appearance of the subject who is interested in you. By the way, if “the wrong ones” are constantly approaching you, you should think about your own appearance: maybe from the outside I, the one and only, look just like a “worthy couple” for such semi-bohemian types? Although not necessarily: at least once in their lives, even the most charming and attractive acted as a "magnet for freaks", because many children who are not burdened with intelligence seriously consider themselves a luxurious party for anyone. And the constant failures "about getting to know each other" are attributed ... just about, to the excessive intelligibility of women.
So, if the "fierce, smelly and bow-legged male" is not an ideal for us, we take a closer look and ... we sniff. The smell of old sweat, fumes, bad breath and other "natural flavors" repel immediately. If a person does not consider it necessary or does not have the opportunity to take care of himself, what can be expected from him in relation to others? Clearly, no good!
Dirty bitten nails, untidy, wrinkled and very cheap clothes, uncleaned shoes are the exact signs of either a marginal loser, or (at best) a lazy sissy or a chronic "divorced man" who naively believes that to monitor his hygiene and appearance - woman's duty.
Let's say "face control" is passed.
The next stage is how a person tries to make an acquaintance. If he comes up to get acquainted in a semi-conscious state, frightening by the pallor of his face and trembling in his voice, the thought involuntarily creeps in that this is his last chance. Here you send such a "address", and he will throw himself under the car ... Better let him throw himself! Why ruin your life by getting involved with an indecisive and cowardly type for whom meeting girls is more difficult than skydiving? The second extreme: vulgar swagger, as if we had known each other for a hundred years. Also does not cause any positive emotions. "First guy in the village", looking so smug, as if he is taking turns getting to know everyone passing by and you are already the twentieth victim of charm today, he certainly does not take women seriously.
You also need to know how to strike up a conversation. The words: "Girl, but you can meet ..." indicate that his fantasy is not developed and is unlikely to develop in the process of acquaintance. Unintelligible bleating, interspersed with "well .. this is ... I'm here ..." convincingly indicates a clear lack of intellectual baggage. You will find the strength to communicate with a person whose development has stopped at the level of the 7th grade and who does not read anything except (at best) the "yellow press" - a flag in his hands. Only chur, then do not cry about the "lack of understanding"!
Not pleased with the demonstrative "poking" from the first words. An adult who is not accustomed to addressing “you”, with the exception of men of those nationalities where addressing “you” is outdated and uncommon (for example, Finns, Swedes), is unlikely to be well-educated, educated and will subsequently please with a respectful attitude in everyday life. This is also an indirect sign of "not her circle" for a girl from an intelligent family, as well as obscenities, the use of the "indefinite article" fuck "" and other non-literary vocabulary. It is easier and more pleasant to communicate with peers.
In the first hours of acquaintance (if it did start), we pay attention to manners. If a man is fussy, bites his nails, shakes his knees under the table in a cafe and does not know how to use cutlery and eat neatly, chews gum with a champ or with an open mouth, sniffs, not bothering with a clean handkerchief or at least paper handkerchiefs, spits on the sidewalk and etc. etc. - involuntarily you think: do I need it? Manners hide a lot of information about a person's character. Sloppiness, carelessness, lack of culture can completely discourage the desire to continue the relationship. An empty beer can thrown right on the sidewalk is capable of "deciding fate" - not by itself, but as an indicator of the general level of culture.
To continue acquaintance or not, is decided at the first conversation. A new acquaintance is uninitiative, silent, like a partisan under interrogation, too stiff even if I have a friendly attitude - why would I strain, "conduct" a conversation and play either an animator from a 5-star hotel, or a highly professional interviewer? Boring, troublesome, and why - if a person at the stage of obvious INTEREST in further meetings is not able to come up with anything interesting, then I will have to “lead” the relationship and entertain myself and “that guy”. In the same way, the desire to "throw off responsibility" for the further development of events on a woman is hinted at by the persistently handed-in phone number: "Call me for sure!". Sorry, why would I be so interested in a random acquaintance to impose on him? No, it’s much more pleasant if a person himself asks for a phone number, asks when it’s most convenient to call back and reminds of himself in a day or two at a decent time (that is, not in the morning and not in the middle of the night).
Acquaintance on the announcement, phone, the Internet.
"At this time, behind Margarita's back, the telephone looked in the bedroom. Margarita fell off the windowsill and, forgetting about Nikolai Ivanovich, grabbed the receiver." (with)
To save time and effort, it is better to choose a newspaper, magazine, website, etc. for this good purpose. with a specific target group of regular readers. It is even better to get acquainted through professional agencies with a good reputation, especially if their reputation is confirmed by a positive example of one of your friends and acquaintances. Giving or responding to advertisements in the cheap mass newspapers is a sure way to become familiar with the vast array of mental and sexual abnormalities. I do not argue that there are happy exceptions, but, like any exception, they are unlikely.
We immediately "weed out" those who write too briefly: name + phone number or name + "ICQ". Everything! The absence of any additional information indicates inadequate self-esteem and a dismissive attitude towards potential "applicants". The citizen, in his humble opinion, is so cool that they will not be interested in his further data, they will immediately rush to call. He believes that he “felt happy” by the very fact of his readiness to meet and the “starved” lady, no matter what he looks like, whether he is cheerful, rich, etc.
Another extreme: in the first letter to a potential girlfriend, they lay out all the ins and outs, stating on 4 sheets that, they say, the grandmother of a Cossack, was brought up in a boarding school, first everyone communed him there, then he all, because. took up kickboxing, etc. At the end of the postscript: "if you are unkind and insensitive, do not write." A kind of inept blackmail, calculated on the fact that a woman will not agree to admit that she is "unkind and insensitive." Yes, why not "recognize", refusing further correspondence - this is much better than listening to such accusations "in real life" later.
In order not to inadvertently find instead of a worthy adventure companion for our "second 90", we immediately weed out the "concerned", who consider it mandatory to indicate the size of the penis in the questionnaire and talk about sexual preferences. Also - those who modestly added something like "Affectionate tongue" to the name and phone number. This is either a male prostitute, or a preoccupied notorious freak, ready to have sex with anyone, if only this pleasure was present in his miserable life.
"Candidates" who do not hesitate to hint at material assistance from the very beginning. Without seeing a woman in the eyes, they nevertheless hope that she is so ugly, rich, illegible, to respond to such calls for help. When meeting in chat 555, in response to a message in Cyrillic, such a cunning one follows: "izvini,v moey mobile rus.bukvi ne 4itaiutsa.A u menia est" shansi zaimet "sovremenni apparat s russkimi SMS?" To a demonstrative misunderstanding - they say, how should I know, I don’t develop phone models, I’m generally a humanist, the “dumb” hero repeats the request in plain text: “maybe you can get a phone so that it would be easier for us to communicate?”. Alphonse of all stripes, regardless of appetites and requests, must be "cut off" immediately.
A real meeting with those who put forward excessive demands on a partner is practically futile. For example, I do not like that the girl in the first questionnaire called a fictitious name. In the letter, she already called herself correctly, but in the questionnaire - no. These can make it clear that they do not accept any deception and concealment, try to put a woman in the position of a justifying schoolgirl. And by what right, exactly? I do not want, for example, to intersect with acquaintances - a rare name, who knows, they will "calculate" immediately. Such a nitpick must have big problems. He either does not want anything and is looking for a reason to cling to you and reject you, or he has excessive demands on his partner and you will never please him. This one recognizes only two opinions - his own and the wrong one, always believes that he is right, and will intensively develop a guilt complex in his girlfriend. Relations with "infallible authority" are futile, they should not be started.
With a normally, moderately detailed and honestly completed questionnaire, you should pay attention to items about religion or esoteric hobbies, if a person deems it necessary to specifically mention them and emphasize that such things are fundamental to him. If your principles are the same, then this is another reason to get acquainted, but if not... It is undesirable to get involved with a Catholic, a Muslim, a Jew (if you yourself do not adhere to similar beliefs). And in general, with representatives of any "not yours" religions based on the unity of rituals and the church (not faith!), Unlike Baptists, Pentecostals, Lutherans and free Christians (free chruch).
We are wary if a man at the very beginning openly announces his abilities in the esoteric or occult sciences. Either he is a frivolous esoteric and a liar, or he wants to use his knowledge with malicious intent. Classes in such sciences require great dedication and sexual abstinence, and acquaintance with a woman does not fit into this alignment in any way.
A bad sign is both the desire to IMMEDIATELY agree on a real meeting, without wasting time trying to get to know each other better in letters or by phone, and persistent attempts to leave the acquaintance at the "virtual" stage. In the first case, most likely, the main and only goal for a man is the bed, in the second, acquaintance, most likely, will lead to nothing, because. tied up with a married "cadre" who has unlimited access to the Internet, "for pastime."
It is advisable to talk on the phone several times before a date. If there are common topics for conversation, a person is pleasant in communication, does not "annoy" calls at odd hours and is able to conduct a dialogue without avoiding answers to questions and showing interest in the interlocutor, it is worth deciding on a meeting. "Slippery" moments like persistent proposals to "meet and go to bed", unfounded claims and inflated claims are easier to stop at this stage. After the first 5 minutes on the phone, you can hear something like: “I see that I’m not very interesting to you” (if I answered the letter after 5 days. You won’t explain to him that I have been intensively treating myself for these 5 days, and I will continue to treat a week ... Justify yourself to a stranger? He has a clear megalomania), or even "cut through" irrefutable signs of outright greed: "I'm on a mobile phone, my card is running out, right now there will be a minute" or "Be sure to call me from a mobile, I I don't answer city calls.
Verbose stories about yourself in the first conversation on the phone are divided into 2 categories. The first is the whining of a loser who decides to use the conversation as a free psychotherapy session, the second is an equally unstoppable stream of boasting. A person who immediately lays out everything about his wealth, heroism, stormy biography, saying that he is a millionaire and a Nobel laureate, may well turn out to be a homeless person in life. He knows that women "love with their ears" and creates an "image" for himself BEFORE dating with stories. He is no longer capable of anything, and the more colorful and detailed the story, the more likely that everything heard is "a lie from the first to the last word" (c).
After the appearance of any of these "symptoms" STILL at the stage of preliminary conversations, it is pointless to arrange a date
DATE
We do not pay attention to much that could more or less likely "hint" at the sad prospects of the ensuing romance - either out of naivety, or out of inattention. Of course, far from everything is “calculated” at first sight, and it is impossible to insure against mistakes. However, a lot is a good reason, having returned from the first date, to refuse subsequent meetings with this person.
"Black marks", or HABITS AND QUALITIES THAT MAKE LIFE OR LONG-TERM IMPOSSIBLE WITH A MAN. Even if you are in love with no memory at first sight, you can compare with Mother Teresa with patience, and Saint Cecilia with purity of thoughts, if the chosen one has at least one item from this set, not to mention two or more - run without looking back.
1. Alcoholics, drug addicts and persons registered with the PND.
It is naive to believe that an alcoholic, drug addict or a person with a mental illness will certainly behave like a negative character in a thriller and look like a bum. Drugs, by the way, are not cheap entertainment, and the corresponding clinics, both in Russia and in the West, thrive not at the expense of underage lovers of Moment glue and consumers of home-made "screw", but at the expense of specimens from the "golden youth" who indulge in very expensive chemicals. And a respectable uncle with a round bank account and a brand new "Hammer", it may turn out that, in addition to a villa in Cyprus and a cottage on Rublevka, he also has a personal narcologist who monthly takes a valuable client out of a heavy drinking bout. Sad but true.
Without being a doctor of the appropriate profile, problems with alcohol, drugs and mental inadequacy are difficult to pinpoint when meeting or on a first date. Nevertheless, there are many signs that make you think, be wary, or even refuse further meetings.
These are: 1) a sudden and unmotivated change of mood. It is especially suspicious if the mood-reactions change literally to the opposite almost immediately after a brief and "harmless" absence, for example, going to the toilet in a restaurant or club. Pupils that are too dilated or too constricted out of correlation with lighting and other factors can give out an addict (in a normal person, pupils constrict in bright light and dilate when there is a lack of light, as well as when looking at something very closely). Nervousness, inadequate reaction to what is happening, causeless laughter or lethargy, drowsiness - all this "complements" the picture. Fussiness, inability to sit still, compulsive movements (scratching, etc.) may also indicate drug addiction. The absence of characteristic "paths" on the elbow bends is not an indicator. You can prick anywhere, for example, in the hands from above, masking the marks with scratches (like cut yourself).
2) Aggressive rather than calm refusal of alcohol at a table in a restaurant or at a party, or, conversely, obsessive calls to "keep company", "drink at least a little", accompanied by resentment in response to refusal, is very alarming. Increased resentment and capriciousness of an adult man on a first date with a girl he likes is an infrequent thing, but very repulsive. After such "feints", regardless of whether they are associated with alcohol or not, I will definitely not want to meet further.
3) A lot of "marks", indicating that everything is not as well with a person as he wants to show, willy-nilly "pop up" in a conversation. The more innocent the subject of conversation, the more revealing the mistakes of the interlocutor. "White spots" in the biography, i.e. when, despite the interlocutor's interest and leading questions, certain periods of time "fall out" regularly from stories about yourself. The logic of stories about oneself in this case can slide almost to the level of delirium: “After the 8th grade, he became the director of Lukoil.” To polite and fairly “generally accepted” questions, such as where he studied, how he likes to spend time, a person gives vague and evasive answers, confused and contradicting himself.
4) Hysteria and unmotivated aggressiveness both in words and in deeds is another strong argument AGAINST continuing the acquaintance. I don't care that the reason for "cute" phrases like "If you cheat on me, I will mutilate you", uttered after 2 hours of dating, or a strong kick to a cat running past, is most often aggressiveness and bad temper, and not mental illness. Not a single doctor would dare to underline "cruelty" or "incontinence" in the "diagnosis" column, but, alas, they are just as incurable as many diseases.
5) The lack of a driver's license, which is quite ordinary for a "poor student", becomes atypical, and therefore a very interesting detail with decent incomes and a car. Personal chauffeur? Why would you suddenly - is it really unpleasant and uninteresting to "steer" yourself? A driver's license (more precisely, their absence) is an indirect evidence of health problems. From harmless color blindness, which complicates the life of only the person himself, to mental illness or epilepsy. We draw conclusions ... in order to "clarify the diagnosis" we can ask if a comrade served in the army and if not, then why. True, the general "repayment of debts to the Motherland" has long gone out of fashion, so it will be possible to unobtrusively clarify the issue in this way only in the case of those who are now "over 30" and closer to 40.
2. "The monster with green eyes" (c) Shakespeare
Jealousy is inherent in all living beings to one degree or another - even a dog or a cat is able at first to be "jealous" of the owners for a baby that has appeared in the house and obsessively demand attention. When you are a little jealous, it is even pleasant and flattering to self-esteem - how, then, they appreciate, they are afraid to lose. But everything is good in moderation. A pathological jealous person turns the life of his family into hell, being jealous from scratch (there is even a medical term for "nonsense of jealousy"), capable of completely wild acts, up to beating or trying to kill.
The basis for "abnormal" jealousy is not at all the strength of feelings, but self-doubt. The more a person is notorious and convinced of his own "imperfection" or inferiority, the more likely it is that when you have an affair with him, the role of poor Desdemona "shines" you.
Another candidate for jealousy is a pedantic person who loves order too much. This one will be jealous not from the complex, but because of the confusion that comes with any deviation from the established rules. "We agreed to meet every Friday at 7, but she says she can't do it today... Catastrophe! The order has been broken, everything has gone wrong - what should I do?! I must by all means find out where she is," etc. Sign: when arranging a meeting place, he does not hesitate to leaf through his diary (the rustle is heard on the phone). Or, even worse, he makes an appointment in the "window": "Mmmm .... (rustling of pages), here I have time from 19.00 to 20.30."
Often a potential Othello is simply cowardly, knows that he cannot stand the competition and is afraid in advance that a woman will attract someone else with her “feathering”. From the first meeting, such a person will begin to criticize the clothes of a new acquaintance about the excessive openness of brightness and fashion (“You dress like a teenager, why such a deep neckline on a T-shirt”), her behavior (“You laugh too loud!”), And vigilantly ensure that attention is focused exclusively on his person ("What's so interesting there?", "Who called you?").
The owner will be jealous, even to the point of murder, not out of love or fear of parting, but out of unwillingness to give "his own", even if unnecessary. As a child, such a guy did not share toys, he has few friends (maybe not at all). He prides himself on the fact that he has never, under any circumstances, given and will not lend to anyone and does not like to throw things away. A hoarder-Gobsek keeps even what people with an income less than 2 times would throw away. The key to defining this type is "MY". This is a favorite word, pronounced with or without it. Instead of saying “I work here” as you walk past the building, you will definitely say “my company”, even if you work there as a courier or security guard.
Often jealous people are created by life circumstances. "Othello willy-nilly" to understand and regret, maybe it's easier, but is it worth it? Probable jealous "by experience" are as follows:
1) a man whose previous marriage broke up due to the infidelity of his wife; 2) for this reason, the marriage of the parents broke up, and the boy remained with his father. Option: the mother left the father, then she died and the father raised the child. Bottom line: all women are traitors, they cannot be trusted; 3) unlucky in love "in life": "everyone left me." Will definitely wait and be afraid of the departure of another partner. Such a person should not be messed with for a variety of reasons, not only because of jealousy; 4) the child of a single mother who was in a permanent search for a husband. I watched a series of "coming dads", as a result, I do not believe in female monogamy by definition. 5) a lucky (!) womanizer who has settled down with age. Unsuccessful - closer to the category of "misogynists", not necessarily jealous, but in principle unsuitable for more or less serious relationships. The lucky one, as a rule, by the age of 38-40 (if not later) is actively looking for a younger girl "for marriage." He knows from experience that most women are not so impregnable fortresses. To this are added the complexes inevitable with a large difference in the age of the partners, coupled with the lack of illusions and suspicion, turning the initially quite adequate man into a downright exemplary Othello.
3. If I were a sultan...
Married man. If he immediately admits that he is married, promises to divorce and complains about the "lack of understanding" with his wife, the standard option is: DRIVE IN THE NECK!
Since this stereotype of behavior is followed by the majority of self-respecting girls who expect to find "their man", the most gifted individuals from among married men, in order not to deny themselves the choice, "mimic" bachelors. One such friend, as soon as he gets on the train, going on a business trip, immediately hides the wedding ring in a special pocket. On the return trip, the opposite is true: he never forgets to return the ring to its old place so that his wife does not have unnecessary questions. In her eyes, he is an exemplary family man, in the eyes of the "victims of charm" - an enviable groom.
The worst thing about a "professional" married man who has become a master of conspiracy is that it is practically impossible to "split" him on a first date. Even if you look at your passport. There are "pros" who, having received a "fresh" passport instead of the one allegedly lost literally on the threshold of the registry office, put a stamp in it, having the old one clean, like snow. To show especially scrupulous virgins in matters of marriage and family. One can only hope that there are still few professionals in the business of seducing young ladies - as well as in other sectors of the national economy. The non-professional is either "pierced" by himself, or "calculated" according to the same signs as sissies.
A SUITCASE WITHOUT A HANDLE, as you know, is both hard to carry and a pity to leave. I propose to attribute to this category MEN, RELATIONSHIPS WITH WHICH IS IN PRINCIPLE POSSIBLE, but for a short time. They will not bring joy and will not be able to become "the only one for life".. But a bunch of various problems, misunderstandings, disappointments and nerves torn to shreds to the seeker of "personal little happiness" paired with such subjects are guaranteed.
4. Mommy's boys
They hang around your neck, require you to solve not only your and your common, but also your own personal problems, do not cause any sexual feeling (except for the untimely awakened maternal instinct, which often encourages women to contact such treasures) and irritate even men .
As a rule, the “complete sissy” evokes in other males a slight disgust and a sense of their own superiority - in the male circle, this miracle is looked at in much the same way as lean garbage cats look at a well-groomed and neutered domestic counterpart.
With "moderate sonliness" (that is, when "son" refers to the sons of mom and dad) and the accommodating nature of the girl, problems may not arise. If a lady manages to please her mother, then she will even to some extent contribute to maintaining the relationship. The perception "if 'son' does everything I like and mom is a good person, then what's the problem?" it is quite reasonable: "sonhood" is one of the possible manifestations of a certain type of character. With great desire, patience, willpower, wisdom and other positive female qualities, a tolerable husband can be brought up from a "moderate" and not "clinical" son. I saw examples. But there are not very many examples, so you should not flatter yourself and overestimate your strengths too.
If the son is only (!) sissy, late and only child in a family consisting of mother and grandmother, and after 25 still lives with "parents" - it is better not to come close. Eat alive.
Permanent links to mom, her opinion, political and religious views, biography, etc. at the very beginning of communication, only the most hopeless invalids on this point are given out. The parent is already invisibly present at the first date or in telephone conversations on the most innocent topics: ("and my mother thinks that a girl should have a higher education!").
Other disturbing "symptoms" may indicate both the presence of a GREAT AND TERRIBLE MOTHER (hereinafter referred to as VUM) instead of the usual loving mother, and other specific personality traits (for example, love for "soap" and "women's" sites) or social status ( having a wife).
1) Numerous phone calls. The man answers with a guilty look, bleats in a gentle voice (that is, the call is clearly not businesslike) and definitely does not want the girl next to him to hear at least something. Both VUM and the wife of a friend, former or real, can call.
2) Neatness, bordering on mania, and morbid cleanliness, a distinctly conservative manner of dressing even on weekends. There can be both own "cockroaches" on this topic, and a strong influence of VUM.
3) The ability and desire to support or even start a conversation on topics that are clearly inappropriate for age, status, gender, life experience. It looks somewhat unmanly to want to engage a lady with a discussion of diseases, one’s own and others’, the high cost of products, daytime talk shows and serials, the bad manners of other people’s children (especially when one’s “declared” absence of one’s own), women’s clothing or cosmetics. There are several options, and each of them "fits" into the scheme. A man with such interests may turn out to be a hypochondriac and a whiner, ready to cry for any reason, an experienced henpecked man who has escaped from the bonds of marriage, who has decided to show off his knowledge of women's problems as a frequenter of forums like "wumen", "eve", etc. or sissy. If all the statements smack of the spirits of "Red Moscow" or look like quotes from the magazines "Rabotnitsa" 20 years ago, there is probably VUM.
4) In the stories about the family, the available normal average dad is "silent" or acts as an epic hero, regardless of real achievements - a clear indication of inadequate perception and the role of a woman in the family.
5) VUM - university teacher, teacher, boss, party functionary. Such ladies have a tendency to "pressure", and if the guy is weak, then he certainly has the qualities of a "son".
6) You can additionally clarify the situation by asking questions about the relationship with the mother, the place of residence of the VUM. The remark thrown “on the occasion of the holiday” “works” very well: “I bought such a cool set of dishes for my mother as a gift (cosmetics, a washing machine, a mobile phone - it doesn’t matter), and how did you congratulate yours?”
5. Losers, hypochondriacs, inveterate pessimists and other whiners.
There is a category of men who perceive Shakespeare's line "she fell in love with him for torment" as a recipe for success and a guide to action. Such from the very beginning of the relationship (perhaps even on the phone) begin to "put pressure on pity."
For example, a friend first of all begins to tell how ALL women are vile, corrupt, depraved, how unlucky he was with them, and gives out something like: "But I see that you are not like that." Or he excitedly paints what a delicate nature he is, how lonely he is. He is underestimated at work, no friends, childhood was full of suffering, so on. Sometimes the monologues are spiced with philosophical arguments about the cruelty of the world, the meaninglessness of life and the fact that "money does not bring happiness."
Complaints about the previous wife (girlfriend, partner) indicate a lack of tact - it is ugly to remember another in the presence of one woman; wounded pride (dangerous! very often indicates a desire to win back on the “next”. Sorry, I don’t queue for execution) and deep absorption only by oneself. Bad reviews about the mother, a demonstrative unwillingness to reckon with parents is a sign that a person is stuck at the level of a teenager in his psycho-emotional development. Passport age in this case is unimportant - even a 40-year-old man can "please" with quirks befitting a pimply seventh grader. In addition, it is not a sin to think about the fact that with such an attitude towards close people, after a while, you will be written down for the role of "an evil genius who ruined life and further high aspirations." The more a man is inclined to "write off" his problems to others, the more likely it is that he himself is nothing at all. Oh, the angry denunciations of their friends and/or colleagues are also very indicative. Since they are so bad, why be friends with them? If there are "stupid and mediocrity" around, is it not worth changing jobs and joining a brilliant and well-coordinated team worthy of you? Oh, it doesn’t work, decent people don’t want to be friends with you, they don’t take work? Well, my friend, this is already a clinic, you are not to me, it's time for you to see a doctor. Likewise - to the doctor and quickly! - "lovers" are sent for a long time, more than 7 years, to suffer in an unhappy marriage. This is already masochism. I'm not a sadist, I'm not a masochist. Either the marriage is unhappy and, therefore, short, or long, mostly happy, but cracks appeared, turned into an abyss, and the marriage fell apart. Everything else is not about us. There is no need to waste time listening to "songs" about nobility, which did not allow or does not allow to this day to divorce an ugly, evil, hateful hag who ruined a clever and handsome man.
The point is not only and not so much in whining - every living being, for that matter, has something to cry about. It is important what a man talks about and how exactly he talks with a half-familiar person whom he wants to impress. Does he talk more about himself? About acquaintances? About work? About politics? About weather? Or does he ask questions? The preferred type of men who, at the first meeting, speak neutral conversations, both in form and content. Doesn't brag, doesn't gossip, doesn't inquire too much, especially on sensitive topics, doesn't bore and doesn't criticize. A normal, self-confident person at the initial stage will speak simply and relaxed, and already in the process of developing trust - with enthusiasm, and will not turn inside out in front of a not too close acquaintance. As well as will not require frank soul effusions from her.
6. People who look at the world and women exclusively "through the prism" of money
On the first / second date, they begin to “as if by chance” ask about the financial situation, about where you live, what apartment, car, cottage, who the parents are, etc. do not occupy them. The main thing is not to admit if there is a BMW of the latest series and an apartment on the Patriarchs, otherwise they will not leave behind, they will swear in love to the grave. Noticing an increased interest in one’s finances, it’s easier to painlessly send it off: in a tragic tone, to cry that out of all the real estate there is a wheelless Zaporozhets under the window, the apartment is rented, relatives from Uryupinsk expect monthly money transfers from the only breadwinner of a large family. Why is she dressed too well? Oh, well, it’s embarrassing to admit, I asked my girlfriend for a Gucci suit for the evening, her parents are rich, they don’t count money, and we have one size of a tunic in a tunic, am I really lucky? Give a fictitious phone "rich girlfriend" (if you get rudeness to ask) and run away.
If a person immediately begins to say that money is not the main thing for him, that the soul, feelings and blah blah blah are important, then he is lying. For someone for whom this is really not the main thing, it would not occur to them for no reason to touch on this topic. By the way, if you yourself expect to find a sponsor in the face of a man, do not "fire" so mediocrely, act more subtly.
Another sign: an attempt to brag about money in any form. For example, he takes out a wallet and begins to rummage stubbornly in it. It is indecent to look into someone else's wallet, so an educated girl does not pay attention to the "gesture" - no, to admire the thickness of the wallet (which was the calculation). This is a complex: a person does not think that he has advantages other than money (dad is the director of some super-duper-mega-bank, mother is a business woman, uncle is a financier ... AND WHO ARE YOU YOURSELF ??? Nobody - Here we are bragging about what we have). It is not a fact that the "filling" of the purse will be spent at least on joint adventures - at home at the "golden boy", it may turn out that they require a report on spending, and you will have to "correspond" to the habits of a new acquaintance "on your own."
It is purely humanly unpleasant when a man begins to "show off" without restraint - to tell what expensive watch he has on his hand, what is the cost of a yacht acquired the other day, etc. , but nevertheless loving to throw dust in the eyes of the nouveau riche. People for whom material wealth is a given and is not the main criterion for evaluation, do not behave this way.
Greed and stinginess are unpleasant neither in a woman nor in a man. Lamentations about the high cost of living and excessive spending on a girl, deliberately emphasizing the cost of flowers and chocolates, even if we are talking about orchids delivered by plane from South America and a two-kilogram gift box from Godiva or Leonidas, repel. It’s a pity or not sure that the gift will be appreciated - don’t give it, don’t ask and don’t expect it, don’t give it - don’t be greedy and don’t hint that now you are “obliged” to the grave of life.
Avarice humiliates, first of all, the miser himself: he brings him to a restaurant, and orders green tea with jasmine ... like - "I ate before leaving the house ... I hope you are not hungry, dear?" The ordered tea is drunk for the entire two hours of the conversation, the brought bill is studied for a long time and scrupulously ... After a couple of clarifying questions to the waiter, the hero puts a large bill and says: "Bring so much change." Instead of going to restaurants with such a greedy and boring type, vigilantly standing guard over his own petty interests, it's more pleasant to roll somewhere with girlfriends.
7. Misogynists or men who do not respect women "as a class"
It doesn't matter where the disrespect comes from, how well founded it is in the man's previous experience, and how deeply ingrained it is. It is useless to re-educate by "one's own good example", because with an initially negative attitude, a person will inevitably look for a "second bottom" in the most harmless words and deeds, and any mistake, mistake or shortcoming will be met with malicious satisfaction: "So I knew!"
A misogynist does not shy away from female society at all, the only trouble is that he does not consider women to be "society", "interlocutors" or "personalities" either at retail or wholesale. This is a man who sincerely believes that there is "logic and female logic", a woman, by definition, is unable to drive a car (own a screwdriver, be a good leader, etc. on the list). He is sure that doing housework or raising children is not a man's business and does not know how to talk with women on an equal footing, slipping into either flirting or condescension (usually unreasonable). He is insincere and imagines that "men's games" are beyond the understanding of "these hens."
He is very picky, considers himself a gift of fate for any woman and enthusiastically looks for flaws in every woman, from faith in God to the ability to use dating services.
When meeting with a girlfriend, such a person will not let a single girl pass by and, quite likely, has "a bride in every port", imagining himself a sultan. It’s reluctant to be “one of” ..., it’s better not to bring things to a close relationship at all. Disrespect manifests itself primarily in trifles: 10-fold asking for information about you (birthday, university, age, etc.) indicates that it was asked about this because there was nothing to do, and the answer was ignored. The green-eyed brunette will tell how he raves about blue-eyed blondes, and vice versa, the redhead will “graciously” hint that everything would be fine, but he doesn’t like freckles. Stories about their victories on the love front and how all women achieve and seduce him, a modest charm, also speak of a disregard for a woman. With a consumer attitude towards women, it would never occur to a man that it is unpleasant to listen to such things: do you really order to be ashamed of strawberry yogurt, saying that blueberry is much tastier, or, passing by the Seventh Continent, keep silent about the fact that you are used to buying groceries at Cash & Carry "?
Such, as a rule, appoints a time and place convenient for him, without worrying about the convenience of the lady. He disappears for several days without a message or a call, and, having appeared, as if nothing had happened, he is interested: "Where did you go?" He is not embarrassed to criticize the appearance, behavior and manners of the girl, creating more and more complexes in the poor thing, and in such a simple way raises his self-esteem.
If a man, when meeting, speaks only about himself - his affairs, plans, friends, relatives, etc., then in front of you is a terry narcissistic egoist, whom the girl is only interested in as a means of stroking an already inflated ego and asserting himself. We must run - it will get worse. A normal man will be sincerely interested in YOU.
As a rule, specimens who sincerely do not consider women to be people already on the first date climb under a blouse or skirt - and why be ashamed of something, all women ... clearly. Such people do not shine with intellect, unlike "experienced" misogynists "with experience", who have developed a solid theoretical basis for their views and are convinced that they "see women through and through."
By the way, they can be really smart and insightful, but, unfortunately, not so much that they have the intelligence to create for a woman the illusion of her "mysteriousness and originality." Excessive insight is regarded by some as disrespect for one's person. I felt transparent without concealment, as if under an x-ray, I caught notes of disregard for myself - an acquaintance without prospects. I am a woman and therefore illogical in my irrationality, if you want to deal with me - lie, but do not let me feel like a gutted object of your analyticity! Alas, even the smartest misogynists are not capable of this - after all, in order to support such a game, you need INTEREST and RESPECT for the lady. And they are not. The circle is closed.
8. First and second freshness
Not always, in order to understand that a given dish is inedible, you need to taste it. Enough appearance or - if vision fails - smell. Sturgeon, as you know, "is not green, it is supposed to be white." Since we are looking for a person not only to walk languidly with him by the arm in the moonlight, it is not bad to estimate in advance whether this subject is capable of anything other than sighs and sighs. Sometimes, in order to understand that it is categorically not worth bringing an acquaintance to bed for one reason or another, a couple of conversations or one meeting is enough.
Men who have neither the talent nor the desire to improve in sex and eroticism will fit into life companions, perhaps a nun. Somehow she doesn’t feel like getting a haircut ... and it will be even more insulting to be forced to be in the role of mother-abess, counting on the stormy joys of family life. Isn't it better to try to "calculate" what a new acquaintance promises? Of course, in this area we are all ignorant in our own way, but ... If a man does not even try to learn at least something, read on this topic, analyze, try - this is serious. In general, a man who does not understand that orgasm and ejaculation are different things that should be separated, or at least try to separate, is already an ignorant and lazy person. Let him not ask later, "why a 70-year-old neighbor has a young wife, and I am impotent at 55."
If acquaintance by phone, then a friend who is not confident in his masculine abilities is most likely:
1) will hide his age, but will certainly want to know yours;
2) immediately and with some trepidation will ask about your height (not weight!). Most likely, he has a "Napoleon complex". But after all, those who know how to please a woman are not embarrassed by their short stature.
3) will begin to say that he is not one of those who "chase every skirt, use the services of prostitutes, after the first meeting immediately ..." (cross out the unnecessary). Key phrase: "I cannot sleep with a woman to whom I am spiritually indifferent." If you're so spiritual, isn't it embarrassing to admit that you, man, can't separate "flies from meatballs," that is, your spiritual needs from your physical ones?
4) will proudly assure that he has never cheated on his wife. Well, it's his own fault. But what is there to be proud of?
5) on the very first date (or even on the phone!) he will ask: “have you been already”, “how much did you have”, “and when was the last time”, “and when was the first time”. Recommended responses (in the same order): "sorry, you're late"; "Sorry, I've always been bad at arithmetic"; "yesterday"; "I'm afraid I don't remember myself at that age." If he becomes embarrassed or begins to feel insecure, then do not hope: there will be no kin in bed.
In addition, from Bulgakov's immortal creation, we all know that there is no "second freshness" sturgeon. Alas, the same rule applies to men.
A person who has just gone through a divorce and is burdened with a child (children) from previous marriages can only be contacted by great and pure love at first sight. For on sound reflection it is clear that the game is not worth the candle. Such a man, firstly, will constantly strain from the assaults of the "former" who is trying to manipulate him "through the child." Secondly, as in the case of women in the case of a child, mother, dog, his mental strength will be equally distributed to create new relationships and maintain old ones at such a level that he does not feel like a scoundrel in relation to the child. There will be an eternal conflict of interests - the former-current one, and additional restrictions that will have to be taken into account. If a girl has a choice, she does not need such problems.
Even if there is no choice - well, let's say, "complete lack of fish" has come, and this frame is the only one that I had a chance to meet in long lonely years, it is better to prefer loneliness if the man cohabited, especially more than once. Moreover, he had problems from the series "establishing paternity". The first speaks of illegibility and laziness (takes what they give, but not for good), the second - again, about illegibility and irresponsibility (if you don’t want children YET, don’t take off the condom NEVER, if you don’t want from THIS woman, don’t sleep with her). You should not mess with men who pull into bed as soon as possible. This means that they are preoccupied and extremely promiscuous. Those. they don’t disdain prostitutes, and assorted sluts: which means, for sure, you will also have to face his consumerist attitude towards sex (I need this, there’s something else, and it also makes my mouth water, and in such and such a quantity every day) and complete inability to even maintain the appearance of fidelity. Does it "not bother" you? Then go ahead! But lovers of Russian-German (Austrian, Swiss, Dutch) friendship would do well to inquire where the "fiance" was on vacation this year, last year and the year before. If the answer is "I DRIVE ..." (Present Indefinite Tense), then alas, a monotonous and boring life awaits you. If this is followed by the keywords "Mallorca" or "Balaton", you should be especially wary. If the Czech Republic - in the order of things, first require a certificate of the absence of sexually transmitted diseases.
Difficulties will certainly arise even if a person is a member of a society dominated by the married and "decided". And He is still single, but wants to match the environment. How to recognize? This one speaks as if you are his client or boss, clearly visible tension from the desire to "implement plans as soon as possible." The person obviously has not yet formed, has not found "his own", and establishes relationships in order to "be like everyone else." It is better to postpone such an acquaintance and not spoil life, first of all, for HIM. He is still growing and can change his mind ten times - or even begin to treat a girlfriend who did not live up to expectations as the culprit of the collapse of hopes and ideals. (There are people who "grow and improve" to a ripe old age, but for such people, celibacy is the best option.)
9. Work is not a wolf... or "WHY DO WE NEED A SMITH?"
If a man does not say where and by whom he works, then you should think a hundred times before contacting him. It is unlikely that the new acquaintance is James Bond and has no right to talk about the hardships of serving Her Majesty. It is much more likely that he is shy about his occupation or is out of work.
To get acquainted with the unemployed means to put spokes in HIM's wheels. The same applies to long-term relationships with a man with an undecided place of residence (trainees, interns, limit workers, students, salesmen), especially if they are under 30 years old. Getting to know them is only to interfere with them and additionally bind them: let them decide first. It is better to gently advise such a "candidate" to postpone dating girls and devote himself entirely to finding a job. Already by one voice timbre it is possible to determine a person "out of work". There is no "direction" in his gait, there is no necessary sharpness in his gestures. If a meeting is scheduled for 6-7 pm, it is always clear if a person is coming home from work. He has not yet cooled down from the working day, he needs to switch ... the unemployed does not have this "breathing".
Security guards, loaders, furniture assemblers, builders, drivers, etc. predominate among the "shy." In itself, any of these professions is good and honorable, but ... it's not about WHO AND WHERE a person works. Let it be at least a sewer - the right word, this is his business. However, "shyness" or the desire to "fill one's worth", hiding the occupation, is an unpleasant sign. First of all, this speaks of excessive ambitions and (in parallel) of the unwillingness to back them up with deeds. In addition, where is the guarantee that the gentleman, who is embarrassed to work as a freight forwarder and who seeks to introduce himself as a "financial director" or "head of a department", will not later begin to be as "cutely" ashamed of his wife, who has grown fat and turned ugly after childbirth. Will you put up with it if, in such a situation, friends, colleagues and distant relatives of your beloved sincerely consider you his "second cousin from Muhosransk"?
If the question "what do you do?" incomprehensible combinations with the word "manager" follow, then, most likely, the interlocutor is showing off or lying. Much nicer to hear when a person who is, say, the director of a publishing house, calmly states "I publish technical journals." In such an answer, there is much more information for the opposite side and no show off.
It is difficult, but it is possible (especially if the specifics of these professions are close to each other) to coexist under the same roof with doctors, artists, the military, athletes, programmers, etc. "Each hut has its own toys," as you know.
In the case of a person who is fanatically passionate about his work (work or hobby), it’s good to think about whether you are suitable for a “companion” or, in the worst case, a “sympathizer”. Well, for example, talking about how "Linux" or "half axis" is cooler than "shitty windows" will bring almost anyone to hysteria - if this "anyone" is not fond of the same thing and does not "break" banks' websites at their leisure.
Cynologists, felinologists, serpentologists and other "animal lovers and fur breeders" can become wonderful life companions for girls who are passionate about dogs, cats, snakes, etc. But if, at the sight of a harmless snake, a maiden falls into a coma, she is allergic to cats, and dogs seem worse than an atomic war, what kind of peaceful coexistence with a fanatical "Aibolit" can we talk about?
Contacting professional athletes is easy and pleasant if you have the same rank in the same sport. Not being some kind of Kim Chizhevsky or Karina Everson at least on an urban scale, beware of getting acquainted with "jocks" who are passionate about bodybuilding. These are VERY problematic people obsessed with their bodies. The naive, "led" by such an Apollo, "shines" completely to depend on his regime and observe:
1) Meals by the hour, regardless of time, company, and regardless of everything, even if it’s a global catastrophe - you get out of the wide legs of mini-refrigerators, and the peaceful chewing of your protein food begins strictly at 14.15 ...
2) A strict training schedule, under which everything else adjusts - family, meetings with your beloved, a trip to your parents, visiting a sick mother in the hospital, going to kindergarten for children, etc.
3) The spectacle of a loved one, spinning for hours in front of a mirror, considering his relief. Even in the midst of "intimacy" he will look askance at his hands and think - are the triceps rounded beautifully ???
4) Partying - how is it possible that such a beauty goes to one and only? Are you kidding?
5) Daily sorting out sweaty clothes after training and counting calories in any food.
10. Men who will save the world, but ... not us.
This is perhaps the most difficult option of all, because theoretically there is nothing to complain about, you can only respect. We are talking about kind, broad, disinterested and at the same time energetic, successful hard workers, even on their small patch. They not only want to help their near and far, but they can do it without much difficulty. It is not surprising that such people are needed by everyone and everywhere. During the day, they manage to do a bunch of useful things: drive an old woman with bags to the house, fix a neighbor’s tap, help a friend move, put in a good word in the personnel department for an honest specialist, arrange a young talent in a conservatory, find an apartment for a single mother who was crying at the entrance , etc. and so on ... Oh, yes, I almost forgot - we wanted to meet! How are you next Sunday? Come on after the service - I have two whole hours of free time! ("Oh really???")
Girlfriend or wife - that's right, for a round bill. Well, sometimes you need sex - why go to prostitutes, waste time, risk your health. It's better when everything is close by.
In this case, at the beginning of an acquaintance, the phrase often runs through: "I have maintained friendly relations with all my women." In his understanding, friendship is when an ex-girlfriend did not scratch out his eyes, but simply said goodbye politely. Yes, he is friends with everyone. And loves everyone. But falling in love - does not know how. This can be calculated by using singular instead of plural in standard questions, such as "do you have a friend" (not "friends").
Among men of this type, there are often authors of very intelligently composed advertisements in rather serious and expensive newspapers. When meeting on the phone, they speak very quickly, without hesitation, immediately offering to meet in real life. After all, they need a result on the same day - they are not used to it otherwise.
It happens that after finding out the standard parameters on the phone, and just sending a decent photo, you immediately get the answer: "You suit me quite well." No matter how much you meet after that - everything has already been decided for him, it’s too lazy to redo it, it’s a pity for time. After all, ten more glorious deeds are planned for today.
Adjacent to the same point are those who, due to their profession, live not for specific people, but for the whole world. It can be a musician, composer, writer, priest, surgeon, and... no, they didn't guess.
Military. It so happened that in our time, this profession is also indispensable. But that is why she is a service, which is different from a citizen. "The wife of a military man" is also a profession that you can master and work in it for a certain number of years. But after he retires, you either leave yourself or you get fired. In any case, without shoulder straps it will be a different person, forced to get used to a different life in adulthood. As a rule, he needs another woman for this.
Police officers, detectives, security guards, military and other "good servants" are often completely unsuited to civilian life. The Russian specifics, alas, are such that guys with a head on their shoulders and a decent education (military institutes do not necessarily train martinet phones, there are translators, IT specialists, doctors, etc. "with epaulettes") run away from their native army of the Russian Federation. At normal salaries, of course. There are either "ideological" ones who do not think of themselves outside the army (I respect ideology, but I cannot replace the state and support a serviceman and children together with him), or those who "in civilian life" do not shine at all.
At the meeting, it is not a fact that this comrade has not already written a letter of resignation "at the end of the contract", "for health reasons", etc., or does not plan to do so in the near future. When planning a life together or a long acquaintance, it is not bad to find out how "ideological" the subject is. And also about where, by whom and how his friends work. If almost everyone has already moved from the "slender ranks" to hearty capitalist bread, and "ideological" in statements. the guy does not smell, the probability of "humanization" is very high. If, on the contrary, he and all his friends are "ideological", then ... comments are superfluous. Few of us are fit to be the wives of the Decembrists.
This concludes a general overview of the types of men you should not get acquainted with. Each woman can restart it on a new one individually, using her own dropout criteria.
It should also be borne in mind that screening does not mean rejecting a man as a person once and for all. Pay attention to the last point (10) about people with a lot of positive qualities. The inability or capacity for long-term relationships is by no means a criterion of the personality of a person as a whole.
Too talkative and frank, they are ready to twist the soul, not caring too much about how appropriate it is. But their confessions often sound out of place or are perceived as faux pas.
“Such a manner of behaving indicates that a person has broken contact with himself and with other people,” explains Jungian analyst Tatyana Rebeko. “The one who talks about his personal life without resorting to internal censorship is so absorbed in his own feelings, desires or fears that he loses the sense of connection with another person and does not take into account that he has his own circle of interests.” Why is this happening?
Escape from loneliness
The distance is difficult for those who cannot survive the frustration associated with the awareness of existential loneliness.
“When an adult constantly (and frankly) talks about himself, he behaves like a child,” says Tatyana Rebeko. “Such regressive behavior is an unconscious attempt to fence off from the truth that everyone faces sooner or later: a person is alone in his essence, alone in suffering and in the face of death.”
This phenomenon speaks of the blurring of the boundaries between internal and external, between "I" and "not-I". Too frank, in a sense, merges with another person, perceiving him as his continuation. Therefore, in his communication there is no symbolic distance.
“I am learning to build communication so that people talk about themselves”
Olga, 30 years old, sales manager
“I know that I talk too much, but it seems to me that if I shut up, I will be in the shadows and they will no longer notice me at all. Although many do not like my spontaneity, talkativeness, sociability. Men, for example, are often irritated, our relationship quickly begins to tire them. In order to somehow change the situation, I went to psychotherapy and I really hope that I can master a different style of communication, learn to be interested in other people, hear what they say.
Mixing fantasy with facts
“People who easily turn to confidential confessions about themselves did not manage to delimit their territory in childhood, to build their own separate inner world,” says psychotherapist Nicole Prieur. - The psychological space of the personality with its indispensable area of mystery has not been formed for them. They still have a hard time distinguishing reality from imagination, fact from fantasy.”
This happens if a child grew up in a dysfunctional environment, experiencing fears and not feeling safe, if he lacked communication with his parents, the family was incomplete, or, conversely, loving parents unceremoniously invaded his life, perceiving him as their continuation. Such adults could not teach a child simple silence, forcing him to tell them everything he thinks.
Constant desire to please
Psychotherapists also explain the need to constantly and talk a lot about oneself with a personality disorder, a borderline manifestation of character, close to hysteria. The goal (often unconscious) of such people is simple: to impress, to attract attention at any cost. They use the strategy of “getting ahead”: to say as much as possible in order to avoid talking about what they don’t want to talk about. Shocking statements, radical views serve as a smokescreen hiding vulnerabilities.
Psychotherapist Jane Turner explains this behavior as a desire to test the strength of the relationship: “If after I lay out everything about myself, including the worst, they still accept me, then I have met a real friend.” These adults behave like obnoxious children, deliberately showing their worst side to make sure they are loved. Behind the irrepressible frankness lies the disturbing question: “Do I deserve love and respect?”
What to do?
Restore the boundaries of your own body
Step by step, build boundaries between yourself and others. First, try to feel where your body ends: feel the soles of your feet, your fingertips, the top of your head. Draw an imaginary line that separates and protects your Self, and do not allow anyone (including yourself) to cross it.
Explore your inner world
Take time to be quiet and alone. Listen to your thoughts and feelings, sort through them ... and keep them to yourself. If you keep a diary, you can write them down, but don't read them to anyone! Get used to the idea that it is impossible to share everything in the world. You can become a truly adult only by learning to endure frustration and loneliness.
Get rid of the illusion of confluence
In love and family life, try to avoid the word "we", recognize the autonomy of a partner and your own individuality. In friendship and at work, set a clear distance: if everyone respects the principle of the inviolability of the personal space of another person, communication will become more comfortable for everyone.
To the one who is near
If a loved one is confusing with excessive frankness or you are simply tired of his endless stories about yourself, you should tell him about it.
Correctly and clearly stop him, explain that you are embarrassed to listen to such things. And try to understand why he is so intrusive, what he really expects from you, what he lacks or what you don’t give him. Indeed, often, speaking too much and too frankly, a person makes it clear that we do not give him enough time and attention, that he does not fully feel our sympathy.
