Measurement of guilt and shame (Test of Self-Conscious Affect - TOSCA) Author: JP Tangney (1989).Instruction. The scenarios below describe the most likely situations that people face in everyday life. Read each situation scenario and try to imagine

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Test "GUILTY THAT PREVENTS YOU TO LIVE"

According to statistics, every fifth inhabitant of Europe suffers from painful remorse, turning into pathology. Moreover, young women who reproach themselves for days and nights are more susceptible to such an ailment. For example, for breaking a diet, leaving too much money in a store, or refusing someone's request. According to scientists from the Milan Institute of Psychosomatic Medicine, who interviewed more than three thousand people from twenty to seventy-five years old, 85% of women suffer from remorse all their lives.

For the majority of respondents of both sexes, the feeling of guilt arises not at all because they cheat on their life partners or do not devote too much time to children. (By the way, the offspring themselves, who do not favor their ancestors with attention, usually have a calm conscience.) Men basically curse themselves for two reasons - because of their inability to save money and because of their own negligent attitude to work. In general, young people, to a greater extent than the elderly, tend to be tormented by remorse. Most often, they worry about relationships with friends. As for women, 48% of them are upset only because of their immoderate appetite at the table.

- In each of us, - says the Swiss psychologist Rene Meyer, - the feeling of guilt is born in childhood. How many times have we had to hear parental reproaches because of unlearned lessons, torn clothes or broken toys "that cost money." And how many times have we been told: "You are already ten (twenty, thirty) years old, and you ..." As a result, when we become adults, we now and then have a feeling of guilt towards our relatives and friends. It happens that pangs of conscience, even because of some minor offense, poison our lives for many years.

How to get rid of the guilt that haunts many of us? According to Mayer, in no case should one chew and constantly analyze an act that caused remorse: such an obsession can, in the end, lead to a nervous breakdown.

- Describe in detail what you did, Mayer advises, and then burn the paper. Watch carefully as your words gradually turn into ashes. You can do it differently. Save the written pages and reread them periodically. The feeling of guilt will gradually lose its sharpness and, in the end, will "dissolve".

It’s also a good idea to talk about what torments you to a close friend who will not judge you and will help you remove a heavy burden from your soul.

CONSCIENCE DOES NOT SLEEP

With our test, you can find out how conscientious you are.

1. You decided to spend the evening in a pleasant company, but your friend unexpectedly called and said that he urgently needs help. You:

a) with great reluctance go to a friend - 3 points

b) under a plausible pretext, you refuse to help him - 2 points

c) firmly refuse him: if he is a true friend, he will understand you - 1 point

2. You had a brief extramarital affair. You:

a) take every precaution so that your partner does not guess anything - 0 points

b)frankly tell your husband (wife) about your adventures - 3 points

c) you won’t be especially worried if your other half finds out about everything - 2 points

3. You want to become a musician, but your parents insist that you choose another profession. You:

a) give up your dream so as not to upset mom and dad - 3 points

b) obey the will of your parents, and music becomes just a hobby for you - 2 points

c) against the will of your parents, become a professional musician - 0 points

4. You are about to go on vacation, but on the eve of your departure, one of your parents falls ill. You:

a) ask one of the relatives to replace you at the head of the patient-0 points

b) refuse to travel - 3 points

c) you are driving, but with a heavy heart - 2 points

5. You and your friend are on probation at a prestigious firm, but it soon turns out that only one of you will be hired. How will you do it?

a) Until the issue is resolved, you will be in a stressed state - 2 points

b) Go out of your way to show yourself from the best side - 0 points

c) In order to avoid conflict with a friend, you will not become especially zealous - 3 points

6. Despite the fact that your finances sing romances, you have acquired an expensive branded outfit. You:

a) happy with the purchase 0 points

b) tell the household that you bought a suit in a second-hand store - 2 points

c) wear a new thing with pleasure, but feel remorse - 3 points

Many people, hearing the words "guilt", immediately imagine the simplest and most famous subspecies of this feeling: when a person feels guilty after a bad deed (something like internal punishment, which allegedly saves from such misconduct in the future). But many are surprised at how varied the appearances of guilt can be in our daily lives. Let's list some examples of the "offspring" of guilt, and you remember - have you ever had this in your life?

Imagine a person is going to work in the morning, in a hurry. Looking for the key to the apartment - can't find it. Cursing himself and the key, seething with indignation, he loses the rest of his patience and health. Why? Good question. And most importantly - how does this relate to guilt? - Let's take a closer look. First, the feeling of guilt is characteristic of the main thing - it is accompanied by a feeling of "I'm bad." And this is the main stumbling block. Here a person is looking for a key, being, as you understand, not in the best mood: he is late for work (which is already bad), and even the key is not found. Whose fault is it that a person is late? - His own. And what about the feelings? - Well, how do you say, different sensations. And, to be honest, there are few pleasant ones. (No one wants to feel bad), and if being late in the literal sense painfully affects a person’s self-perception, then they want to transfer their guilt to someone. Or - on something: for example, on a key. Who is to blame for my being late? - Of course, the key that was lost (bastard!). And then you can justifiably be angry. And where did it all start? -

From my own guilt for the mistake I made, from an unpleasant feeling. And, by the way, after that a person does not take into account his mistakes (as much as he and we would like), but, on the contrary, “forgets” about his own mistake, because one of the main properties of the mind is to protect the personality from stress and injury. And so the memory safely forgets and ignores what hurt. And - hello, new delay!

Or another option, even more sophisticated in its psychological background. Imagine a person walks into a store. He took the groceries, standing in line at the cashier. And then another wonderful person breaks in front of him, who is more insolent and who needs it. What is our hero doing? “Suppose he is silent and indignant. Why is silent? – Because he doesn’t want to be rude (like “this one”). And why is he angry? - Because it would be necessary to put the insolent person in his place, but for this, you may have to make this person who got in without a queue unpleasant (at least - ask to stand in line). And to make someone else feel bad is bad. And to do bad is to be bad. And I don't want to be bad. And so inside "our indignant mind boils", internally wanting to defend their interests, but stumbling upon the notorious fear of being bad. Indignation here acts as a lightning rod, directing our anger at a person because he pushes us to actions by his behavior, as a result of which we can feel bad. Interesting, right?

And there are many such situations. You can even start collecting instances when we felt "unpleasant." And you can be sure that in 99 cases out of 100, guilt will be involved here, which in the variety of its manifestations can compete even with an inveterate chameleon. Can this situation be corrected? - Can. We will consider and test some of the most effective tools in action at the Guilt: Antivirus training.

I wish you inner peace and harmony.

Always yours, Denis Shvetsov.

Who makes a child feel guilty? Are you yourself? The test in this article will help you find out if you are keeping a sense of proportion when teaching him "what is good, what is bad."

The habit of being guilty does not arise from scratch. We have been trained for this since childhood, and, I must say, many children make excellent students. And then, when they themselves become parents (and teachers of their children), the relay race continues. Babies are not guilty, because they still do not know what is “bad” and what is “good”. Gradually we teach them this.

Don't teach kids to be guilty

How else? Every child must learn to restrain his impulses, to learn and observe many rules of social behavior, to distinguish bad from good. This is how we make a civilized person out of a child. In the process of such learning, we approve or condemn it. And by this, voluntarily or involuntarily, we awaken a sense of guilt.

It begins when the first time the parents say to the child "I'm sorry." Apologize to your aunt for saying she was fat. She was offended (because it's true), ask for forgiveness. Apologize for hitting the boy (even though he started first). And the child does not feel guilty - he told the truth, what is really there, or tried to protect the girl. But he is taught to be honest and protect the weak.

And since the child cannot resist adults, he has to accept and, perhaps, consider that he is actually to blame. And this is the first step towards an internal split. Parents teach him to tell the truth and make him apologize for saying it.

They do not explain why it is necessary to do this and that, they do not make sure that the actions of their child are consistent with the principles. Of course, over time, the child adapts to this duality. But for some children, guilt remains a useful signal that corrects behavior, for others it develops into a guilt complex. (And this is already discomfort, tension, fears and loss of self-confidence.)

Test "Whose fault?"

Who makes a child feel guilty? Are you yourself? This test will help you find out if you are keeping a sense of proportion when teaching him "what is good, what is bad." Questions in the test are arranged in ascending order (by age: from baby to teenager).

1. Actually, your baby already knows how to ask for a potty, but then he “sinned” and wet his pants. What will you say:

A. Good kids don't get their pants dirty.

B. Let's get changed quickly, the ass likes to be dry.

2. A familiar aunt asks the child: “Who do you love more: mom or dad?” The kid is silent. What will you say to your aunt?

A. Well, tell your aunt, who do you love more?

B. Aunt, which leg do you like more, left or right?

3. On your day off, you decide it's time to clean up the nursery and tell your child about it. You got down to business together. But suddenly you notice that the kid, instead of putting the toys back in place, took out the designer and enthusiastically builds something there. What will you do?

A. I will restrain my indignation and explain to him that order is not established in this way.

B. Let me play a little more and offer to take up the cleaning; in the end, I myself am to blame: it was necessary to control this process.

4. Your child threw a tantrum on the street. You rushed him home. If you are going to punish him, what will you say:

A. You are a bad boy/girl, sit down and think.

B. You did a bad thing, sit and think.

5. Your best friend came to visit you. While you were chatting with her in the kitchen, your child was working in the hallway: painting her velor boots with watercolors. What will you do when your friend leaves?

A. I will put him in a corner (or put him in a “penalty” chair).

B. I will say that now I will not have time to tell him a fairy tale, because I will go to earn money for new boots for my friend.

6. Today, it’s like a demon has moved into your child, he does everything in defiance and does not respond at all to your appeals and comments. You can’t stand it and say: “If you behave like this, I’ll leave.” The phone rings and it turns out that you really need to leave urgently. How will you tell your child about this?

A. As I said before, I will repeat it now.

B. Sorry, I was joking. I hope this typhoon will calm down by my return?

7. If the child is behaving noisily, how best to reprimand him:

A. As loud as possible.

B. As quiet as possible.

8. You set the chicken to boil, but you had to leave urgently. You ask the child to turn off the gas under the pan in fifteen minutes, but he forgot. What will you tell him?

A. Well, the whole family will be left without lunch.

B. We will save the chicken; come on and I'll help you...

9. When your child finds and he does everything in defiance, do you tell him “Go away, I don’t love you!”?

A. Yes, it happens.

B. Never.

10. Suppose you have a compulsive habit of washing your hands too often, or constantly checking that the gas is turned off, or endlessly cleaning the house, or simply touching things. Do you think the child will inherit it?

B. Yes, he has something similar.

11. Do you mentally reproach the child for having lost something pleasant because of him (freedom of movement, hobbies, etc.)?

A. Yes, and quite often.

B. Yes, sometimes it happens when it gets especially bad.

12. Your boy had a little fight with a classmate, and for some reason he did not come to school the next day. Your son is very upset, and you suspect that because of this. You:

A. Take a moment to remind you of the dangers of fighting.

B. Offer to call, find out what's wrong, and apologize.

13. Which question do you think is more important?

A. Who is to blame?

B. What to do?

BUT. Yes, you laboriously cultivate guilt in the child. You often blame a young person, but think, maybe you are actually blaming yourself?

You yourself often feel guilty too. And then become either too hard or too soft, and everything that is "too" is harmful to the body. It is hardly worth approaching education in such a way, “iron”.

switch; no need to eradicate anything; yes, both you and your baby have some wrong traits. But protest and indignation can be expressed softer and more correctly. And by the way, forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself. We hope you understand.

A and B are about equal. There is one oddity in your educational method.

You take good behavior for granted, and bad behavior is punishable. As a result, you “underpraise” the child, like that horse that is only spurred on, but forgotten to be fed. So conscientiousness can develop into guilt, and guilt can make a child a notorious adult who owes everything.

Start with yourself and try to get rid of guilt yourself. Relax and learn to forgive. Be forgiving. And over time, your child will also begin to change.

B. No, your child does not face a guilt complex. The child is counting on your understanding and support, and if he feels guilty, he tries to correct himself. And it is valuable that you give him such an opportunity and focus on the good, not the bad. Well, a sense of humor helps a lot. Because it is impossible to self-flagellate and laugh. BUT! Don't go to the other extreme! The complete absence of a sense of guilt is already shamelessness.published.

Zaryana Nekrasova "Stop raising children (Help them grow)"

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet