I am very shy ... I don’t know how to deal with this, I want to be myself, I understand this, but I can’t do it ... When communicating with new people, I start to make something out of myself, build something out of myself, don’t understand what, it repels people and they can’t understand what I really am ... All the more so now I went to college, I continue my studies after the 9th grade - I did with two former classmates, but they failed the exams, now I’m going there on September 1 I’m alone, I don’t know anyone at all, I’m madly worried, I want to study there, but I’m afraid of how my relations will develop in the new team ... I’m very worried about this. What to do, how to behave?
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Amina, age: 08/15/2012

Responses:

Amina, I was shy too. But then I said to myself, why am I ashamed of them? Yes, because I consider myself below them, I look at them, as if from the bottom up! And then I thought - And let everyone look at me and want to be like me. Let them want to be like me! Imagine that there is a great value inside you. You have it - some others do not have it. This value will make you more confident in any company, even the presidential one. Have you ever seen a believer feel shy, afraid in the company of very high-ranking people? No. Faith is the very value.
With love,
tortilla

Tortila, age: many / 08/08/2012

Hello Amina! This is the first time I hear such a rare name, at first it even seemed that there was a typo in it, but I looked. The name means "feel safe". In my opinion, such a girl should not be afraid of anything).
You are not very shy, this is in the order of things for your age, this is female sensitivity and the first steps in adulthood, when everything new and unknown scares you.
Just don't confuse shyness with modesty. The latter is very beautiful girl, shyness spoils life, then what are you talking about.
Since you published your post, at that time I began to read one book related to your problem, and I will write tips on it that I hope will help. And in the course of the text, the style will suffer a little: something will be said by me for you, but something in general, impersonal, something from the book.
Shy people gesticulate less often when communicating, are less emotional, are more amenable to influence and discipline, they are less scolded for jambs, but they also receive few awards.
Shy people ask for help less, when they are asked why, their autonomy and closeness are felt in the answer.
It turns out that such children at school are not problematic for teachers, but for them this can bring some difficulties in later life.
An interesting thing: shyness makes a person lose the power of speech, memory and the ability to perceive beauty. On the contrary, a free person normally perceives the world around him, paying attention to everything bright.
You have to meet different new people about whom you know nothing, make friends with someone, and without it in any way. This requires you yourself to take the first step: "My name is Amina, and you?"
Acquaintance and the ensuing conversation are the first steps towards friendship. Also, in order for you to be a little shy to open up to strangers, you need a sense of security, trust. If you come across someone who is just as shy, he will not understand you right away, he will begin to slowly speak and remember something, even be silent. If you come across an open person, then by your action you will create the first impression for him as an open person, and this is a plus for you in the future, if you continue to communicate with him, your insecurity will go away by itself.
At first, you should refrain from personal topics, assessments, do not ask too many questions at once, because this can reject a person, your actions will seem hostile. And this is all due to the fact that they themselves can be closed and shy inside, although not to talk about it.
Understand that a new team, establishing new contacts is always a risk, but its consequences are not the same as if some EMERCOM nickname takes the risk, saving someone's life in an extreme situation. Your situation is quite normal everyday life. The one who first takes a step towards the risk of being misunderstood, not accepted, but it is better to do something, and then gain some experience than to remain inactive. Thus, by making a choice on our own, we begin to control our destiny, and not vice versa, when external circumstances command us.
There is also such a thing that is not good, like comparing yourself with others, like idols, which you would very much like to resemble. With this path, envy is cultivated, dissatisfaction with oneself develops, and time is wasted for revealing oneself. Many gifted people are not a suitable object for comparison if they are especially gifted by nature both externally and internally. And the fact that you somehow try to look not yourself is unnaturally quite natural. I can’t advise you here how to behave, because maybe you are struggling with your shyness?
In one book, one uncle says that there is such a way for shy people to gain initiative - this is the way of acting, how would you show yourself as you are, without thinking about what they think of you. And for some reason, today they respect not those who bend before everyone, who are compliant in everything, but those who are unyielding and follow their goals.
Encourage a sense of humor in others and in yourself, because laughing at your own mistakes and weaknesses is a good cure for shyness.
Gradually, as actors, you will get used to the role of an open person, it will become familiar to you, and others will appreciate you for it!
PS it turned out somehow fragmentary, but how it happened)

passerby Konstantin, age: 21 / 10.08.2012

Here's something else I forgot to write. It helps a lot to get rid of shyness any activity related to working in public. The simplest is the distribution of leaflets, and not so difficult that you have to "hell" overpower yourself.
I saw a lot of them on the streets of my big city. The salary there is small, teenagers earn extra money there. The point is that when handing out leaflets, look at the reaction of people. Everyone is different, as a rule, many try to pretend that they do not see you. And the distributors themselves, I noticed, are shy, sometimes turn away, especially when it comes to people of the opposite sex.
But this is only shyness at the level of sensations, although it seems that they are looking at you and thinking, well, why is he or she standing here? Although it only seems, everyone has their own thoughts, deeds in their heads, and rarely does anyone think about it.
And if you also try to say something, while looking into the eyes of a passerby, then gradually the fear of strangers, in theory, should pass.

It is better to start solving the problem with analysis. Therefore, do not be too lazy to remember and write down all the situations in which you feel embarrassed. Be extremely specific. Instead of “talking to people,” indicate which people you are talking about: strangers, members of the opposite sex, or people in power.

When you break down a problem into parts, it already seems more solvable.

Then try to arrange the recorded situations in order of increasing anxiety (most likely, calling a stranger causes less anxiety than speaking in front of an audience).

In the future, this list can be used as a plan to combat shyness. Starting small, you will overcome more and more difficult situations for you. And with each new victory, the feeling of confidence will grow, and shyness, respectively, will decrease.

2. Fix your strengths

Another list to help you fight shyness should be about your positive qualities. As a rule, the cause of shyness is in. Fight it mercilessly, reminding yourself of your own splendor (this is not a joke).

Try to find the flip side even of the shortcomings. It may be difficult for you to conduct a long monologue, but you are an excellent listener. This communication skill can and should be used as well.

3. Decide on a goal

Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with life, but you need to explain to yourself what exactly it prevents you from doing. It is possible that the formulated goal will become an impetus for overcoming the old problem.

Even though I perform, write and host radio shows, I am an introvert at heart. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. It required me to get out of my shell and take the message to the world. I overcame my shyness by realizing that only I can ensure that my message is delivered correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make it easier for myself to speak in public and meet new people.

Eric Holtzclaw

4. Practice

Skills need to be honed, and those that interfere with life should be systematically eradicated. All this applies to sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.

• Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in the brain that runs in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go from the opposite and do the opposite of what you are used to. Do you want to hide in a corner at a party? Go to the thick of things. Have you caught yourself thinking that in a conversation you are taking a position of deaf defense? Try asking the interviewee a few questions.
• Talk to strangers. Try to talk at least once a day with one stranger (preferably with a random passer-by). You will most likely never see him again, so feel free to hone your communication skills on him.
• In general, communicate more. Try to use every opportunity to make contact with people. Tell jokes, agree to speeches, say hello to those you often meet but never greet.
• Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party but are afraid to approach them? Practice on those present who cause less embarrassment. If we are talking about acquaintance, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the right person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
• And always prepare for public speaking. But don't limit yourself to just repeating the speech. Visualize your future success with the audience. This will give you confidence.

5. Focus on others

The problem with shy people is that they think too much about themselves and the impression they will make on others. Try to redirect the flow of thoughts from yourself to others. Be interested, ask, empathize. When you focus on the other person, anxiety about your own behavior fades into the background.

6. Try new things

Get out of your comfort zone. Firstly, this step will positively affect your self-esteem, and secondly, it will diversify your life. You can enroll in a sports section or art courses. Another great option is improvisation master classes. Such exercises help to liberate.

7. Watch your body language

Eye contact, correct posture, speaking loudly and clearly, as well as smiling and shaking hands firmly, inform those around you of your confidence and openness. Moreover, with these signals, you deceive your brain a little and really begin to feel more free.

8. Say “no” less often

A lot has been said about. But shy people, on the contrary, should avoid it. Their refusal (expressed both in word and action) is often dictated by fear of the unknown and an unreasonable fear of shame. If you want to stop being shy, learn to say yes to the opportunities that life presents.

.

10. Don't advertise your shyness

Do not focus your attention and others on the fact that you have communication problems. This is how you label yourself and subconsciously reinforce the belief that shyness is your permanent trait.

Even if others notice your embarrassment, pretend that this is an accident, talk about it lightly, and not as a serious problem. Are you starting to blush? Say that this is a feature of your body, and not a reaction to stress. And never characterize yourself in front of strangers as a shy person. Let them form their own opinion and notice other, more interesting things about you.

Know other ways to stop being shy? Tell us about them in the comments.

”- if this is about you, it doesn’t matter if you are a guy, a man or a girl, then I’m sure you regularly encounter various kinds of difficulties, both in your personal and professional life, you can’t decide on something, deny yourself something Because of this, sometimes you not only get upset, but also torment yourself. Of course, any shy person wants not to be like that, but even periodic situations of overcoming shyness often do not help to completely get rid of it.

How not to be shy? There are many ways to do this today, but for the most part they are aimed at manifestations of shyness, and not at the reasons that gave rise to it. The same methods that are aimed at the causes can be quite superficial and poorly working out the roots of shyness, which are sometimes very deep in the subconscious.

What are these subconscious roots of shyness? These are various episodes of the past (first of all, those that had a psychologically traumatic effect, and, well, just unpleasant situations), including those from early childhood, and associated with these episodes in a person. mental material, that is, the features of keeping these episodes in his mind (developed on their basis, internal prohibitions, fears, restrictions, doubts, all sorts of beliefs, decisions and conclusions that interfere with life, experienced and entrenched negative emotions and states, and much more).

Of course, a person does not remember much of this, he simply does not realize something, but in subconscious A person has information about every moment of his life and about the mental garbage generated by each of the moments. All this acquired economy, although in everyday life is largely not realized, but subconsciously it has the most direct impact on today's life of a person - on his actions, deeds, manners, reactions, emotions, states and, in general, on the personality, forming whole personality traits, including shyness.

How to become not shy? To do this, remove the influence of past episodes and mental material that once made you shy and continue to make you shy today. This can be done using their elaboration. Working through the past with the help of the subconscious will allow you to get rid of the accumulated mental rubbish and remove the “charge” contained in the episodes of the past (their negative mental and emotional coloring). The episodes worked out and the mental material will cease to influence you. Because of this, your shyness will lose what supported and nourished it, and will begin to collapse and disappear.

How is the past processed? The process is quite simple: you read special instructions to your subconscious mind and run them. And, in fact, that’s all - after launching, you go about your business while your subconscious mind does the work assigned to it - it finds and processes all the episodes and mental material from the list specified in the instructions. At the same time, we are not talking about some kind of affirmations, auto-training and other kinds of self-hypnosis. In the subconscious, background work is really being done to process the past, thanks to which you get your results, gradually getting rid of shyness and other tormenting problems.

Elaboration should be carried out not only on episodes of the past and mental material directly related to shyness, but in general on all the problems you have, no matter to what extent they are expressed or not expressed, in general, in all spheres of life and aspects of your personality. This is due to the fact that everything is interconnected in the human psyche, and the problem of shyness is not independent - it is closely related and intertwined with other problems (for example, with suspiciousness, anxiety, insecurity, or others), plus it concerns different areas of life, and can have different manifestations. So when dealing with any serious problem, elaboration is necessary total and all-round.

Instructions for the subconscious, aimed at a total and comprehensive study of the past and all the mental garbage that it generated in a person, are combined into an integral system for working on oneself, which is called Turbo Gopher. On our website you can download a book with a detailed description of this system for free:



If you seriously and intentionally work on the Turbo Gopher, one day you will not even have the thought to say or think to yourself “I am very shy”, because there will be no trace of your shyness.

Read what those who have already successfully solved a number of their problems with the help of the Turbo-Gopher system write, including all sorts of shyness.

It is better to start solving the problem with analysis. Therefore, do not be too lazy to remember and write down all the situations in which you feel embarrassed. Be extremely specific. Instead of “talking to people,” indicate which people you are talking about: strangers, members of the opposite sex, or people in power.

When you break down a problem into parts, it already seems more solvable.

Then try to arrange the recorded situations in order of increasing anxiety (most likely, calling a stranger causes less anxiety than speaking in front of an audience).

In the future, this list can be used as a plan to combat shyness. Starting small, you will overcome more and more difficult situations for you. And with each new victory, the feeling of confidence will grow, and shyness, respectively, will decrease.

2. Fix your strengths

Another list to help you fight shyness should be about your positive qualities. As a rule, the cause of shyness is in. Fight it mercilessly, reminding yourself of your own splendor (this is not a joke).

Try to find the flip side even of the shortcomings. It may be difficult for you to conduct a long monologue, but you are an excellent listener. This communication skill can and should be used as well.

3. Decide on a goal

Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with life, but you need to explain to yourself what exactly it prevents you from doing. It is possible that the formulated goal will become an impetus for overcoming the old problem.

Even though I perform, write and host radio shows, I am an introvert at heart. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. It required me to get out of my shell and take the message to the world. I overcame my shyness by realizing that only I can ensure that my message is delivered correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make it easier for myself to speak in public and meet new people.

Eric Holtzclaw

4. Practice

Skills need to be honed, and those that interfere with life should be systematically eradicated. All this applies to sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.

• Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in the brain that runs in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go from the opposite and do the opposite of what you are used to. Do you want to hide in a corner at a party? Go to the thick of things. Have you caught yourself thinking that in a conversation you are taking a position of deaf defense? Try asking the interviewee a few questions.
• Talk to strangers. Try to talk at least once a day with one stranger (preferably with a random passer-by). You will most likely never see him again, so feel free to hone your communication skills on him.
• In general, communicate more. Try to use every opportunity to make contact with people. Tell jokes, agree to speeches, say hello to those you often meet but never greet.
• Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party but are afraid to approach them? Practice on those present who cause less embarrassment. If we are talking about acquaintance, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the right person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
• And always prepare for public speaking. But don't limit yourself to just repeating the speech. Visualize your future success with the audience. This will give you confidence.

5. Focus on others

The problem with shy people is that they think too much about themselves and the impression they will make on others. Try to redirect the flow of thoughts from yourself to others. Be interested, ask, empathize. When you focus on the other person, anxiety about your own behavior fades into the background.

6. Try new things

Get out of your comfort zone. Firstly, this step will positively affect your self-esteem, and secondly, it will diversify your life. You can enroll in a sports section or art courses. Another great option is improvisation master classes. Such exercises help to liberate.

7. Watch your body language

Eye contact, correct posture, speaking loudly and clearly, as well as smiling and shaking hands firmly, inform those around you of your confidence and openness. Moreover, with these signals, you deceive your brain a little and really begin to feel more free.

8. Say “no” less often

A lot has been said about. But shy people, on the contrary, should avoid it. Their refusal (expressed both in word and action) is often dictated by fear of the unknown and an unreasonable fear of shame. If you want to stop being shy, learn to say yes to the opportunities that life presents.

.

10. Don't advertise your shyness

Do not focus your attention and others on the fact that you have communication problems. This is how you label yourself and subconsciously reinforce the belief that shyness is your permanent trait.

Even if others notice your embarrassment, pretend that this is an accident, talk about it lightly, and not as a serious problem. Are you starting to blush? Say that this is a feature of your body, and not a reaction to stress. And never characterize yourself in front of strangers as a shy person. Let them form their own opinion and notice other, more interesting things about you.

Know other ways to stop being shy? Tell us about them in the comments.

My mom always says that I'm shy, that I have a lot of complexes. But I am ready to argue with her and argue. She and I have completely different ideas about this quality of character.

If I don’t talk about my life with the first person I meet, or I can sometimes just be silent, or I don’t have many friends - this absolutely does not mean that I am shy. Probably.

She forced me at a certain moment to do introspection and figure out all the same in myself - am I shy or not.

What is shyness in my concept

This is how I understand shyness. This is a kind of self-doubt, an awkward feeling in any company, the presence of a feeling of tension, fear, constraint.

Recently my brother introduced me to his girlfriend. I saw all the signs of shyness in her. She was very nervous, tense, constantly fiddled with the ring, could not utter a word. When I asked her about something, I always blushed. All symptoms of embarrassment on the face.

It's hard for me to relate them. I don't experience that kind of stress either in public or when talking to strangers. I will perfectly find a common language with anyone, if I am interested in a person.

Periodic bouts of silence, a small number of friends - this is influenced by other factors that cannot be classified as shyness.

My pseudo shyness

So, why can I sometimes not communicate in a company, why do not make many friends, or why is it closed from the first comer? I figured it out. And here's what I came up with.


Not too verbose in the company - is this shyness? Sometimes you just don't feel like talking. There are some situations that unsettle, make you look for a way out in the current situation. And you start to constantly scroll through them in your head. In general, when I have serious problems, I have no time for communication.

The second reason for my silence is that there are no common interests. Sometimes you find yourself in companies with which you have no common interests at all. You can talk about the weather, nature and everything. This completes the circle. And this does not mean at all that I am shy, I just have nothing to talk about.

For example, before, when I got into the company of young mothers who were discussing their children, I was silent, because I did not share their enthusiasm. I didn’t have a child at that time and I didn’t understand how one could admire dirty diapers or a painted apartment. Now I can tell you for an hour about diapers, nipples and undershirts. And before something I in this nothing interesting not saw!

Closed from communication with the first person you meet - is this shyness? My mother can stop the first person she meets on the street and tell him about her whole life. Up to where the money is in the apartment. And this is not funny at all for her relatives. I have repeatedly encountered a situation where her excessive openness greatly harmed my life.

Because of her, I was not able to enter the university that I dreamed of. She told some first person she met that I had a tutor - a member of the selection committee. Boasted. Well, it so happened, no cronyism, or a special position. Exceptional preparation! And well-wishers reported to the educational institution about it. There was a scandal. And not only I suffered, but also my tutor.

Or another situation. My mother often walks with my daughter in the playground during the day. When I came there in the evening with my daughter, it turned out that everyone already knew me - and what I wear at home, and how I eat, and other details of my life, which I didn’t want to talk about at all.

I am more secretive and will not let strangers into the details of my personal life. And I don't think it's shy!

A narrow circle of friends is shyness? I believe that a person can have one or two friends, not big ones. The rest are acquaintances. My mom thinks the opposite. For her, this is a clear symptom of shyness.

When she comes back from vacation, she talks about the crowd of people she met there. I, on the other hand, don't meet many people when I'm on vacation. And the reason is banal - I'm going on vacation to rest from people.

My job is such that I am constantly in some kind of cycle. Thousands of calls, constant people, some events. I get tired of it, and on vacation I don't need any acquaintances. Yes, that's how I relax. And is that shyness?

In general, our dispute is still open! Maybe you can judge us? Maybe I'm really shy, just don't want to admit it?

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