Despair is such a terrible state when it seems that all options have been exhausted and the situation is hopeless, but I don’t care what happens next, because everything is gone.

On the one hand, I want to live this feeling, because it precedes the exit from a difficult situation, but on the other hand, I don’t want to, because it’s unpleasant.

I can’t drown it out in myself, and if there is any hope, I run into the thought that everything is lost and there is no way out.

I will learn to live in despair, I will begin to repeat to myself: not everything is lost, calm down, because there is a way out. Now I understand that despair is a lack of faith.

I think desperation is a good excuse to run away from solving problems.

Probably, nevertheless, I do not want to live this feeling, as it pulls other feelings, such as resentment, a feeling of inferiority and, of course, self-pity.

At these moments, I forget that there is a sun and I feel insanely lonely. Usually my despair is related to responsibility or routine, or my self-centeredness, when I don’t want to see changes in my life, or I just start to devalue everything.

Sometimes I want to live in despair, because after it I usually have a very strong breakthrough forward, I can’t say that it’s adequate, but still at such moments I can easily say goodbye to what has been bothering me for a long time, starting with relationships and ending with work. Sometimes I wonder why this happens, maybe my illness manifests itself this way - and I answer myself that I tend to despair for any reason, these are programs familiar to me, it’s easier to despair and wallow in pity than to do something, and at least it’s good that I understand it.

Despair for me is when I feel helpless, weak and cornered. When panic sets in, I feel hopeless.

This feeling is very scary for me, it can even lead me to suicide. When I overdosed two and a half years ago and, having come to my senses, saw my dead husband next to me, then, probably, I did not experience greater despair in life than then. I remember then I decided that I also had no reason to live, because I was responsible for his death, because he was not a drug addict and that day he simply asked to try, so that, as he said, he would know what he was struggling with. My husband threatened that he would not give me money if I did not give him a try. I dissuaded him, but withdrawal took its toll - I made him a drop, the rest for myself. And we both overdosed - only I'm alive, but he's not.

And to this day, this despair does not leave me, I still cannot forgive myself. I do not want to live this feeling - it is very heavy. I beg forgiveness from the Lord on my knees and in every confession I speak about it. Relief comes, but very slowly; I know I can't forget it anyway. He helps me - my God. I feel that he sees my despair, and when I turn to him, I feel better.

I update the page in contact and see that someone is knocking on my friend, I look and feel how my hands instantly get cold, a lump in my throat gets off, goosebumps run in waves from the back of my head down my back and, affecting my entire back, converge on my chest. It is she - her husband's mistress - who is interested in the health of my children, reports that she gave birth to their sister. Everything is falling down, tears are flowing, I don't know what to do with myself. How I want to think that this is a dream or my hallucinations, because this cannot be. A cry breaks from within: Lord, I have been living by the rules for five years - why are you giving me these tests?

There is only one thought in my head: he will go to her, now he will definitely leave me, because she is young, beautiful, and he dreamed of a daughter, he himself said that he no longer feels anything for me as a woman. Somewhere in the depths of a suffering heart, a desire is born: if only she would die with her newborn. And again this question: Lord, for what?!

I thought that you can always fight for a man, no matter how many women he has, but if a child appears, then a small piece of his heart will still belong to him now. I can't deal with it, I just can't.

I remember how she said that she had an abortion, and now, probably, she will ask for money. Everything is a divorce.

Despair develops into poisonous anger, the thirst for revenge gives rise to different thoughts: now my husband will not wait for me to pay him to the victims, let him sit down - not mine, which means no one, he will meet death in the camp, and I will put a candle for his daughter for peace. I drink sedatives and sob until I suddenly sit down and think: why am I shedding tears?

Falling into a state of despair is not just an unfortunate accident of our life, it is the right of every person. The right to natural emotions, the right to weakness, the right to accept help from outside or to stop in business and be alone. A few months ago, on Facebook, my subscribers and I talked about how everyone goes through this state differently: someone begins to fight despair and wins (or not), someone is afraid of it and seeks to deny it, someone humbly accepts it. Opinions were divided, and a pile of living examples gathered. We have compiled something like a cheat sheet for you, where you can look when your strength leaves, and it seems that there is no gap.

What do you feel when you fail. It’s not just that it doesn’t work, but when all your actions are correct, thoughtful, planned, proven effective, from which you expect the “wow!” effect, and the output is zero. Not a drop, not a teaspoon - exactly zero.

Sometimes, even with a sufficiently sane mind and a sober way of thinking, such a trip is enough to plunge into despair.

What do we feel when we despair

• Depreciation

All past experience ceases to matter.

In these moments, I fall apart. The brain is able to give a variety of arguments and offer a plan A, B, and how much more is needed to get out of the crisis. But there is always a small part of me that clings to my knees and shoulders, covers my head with my paws and thinks one thought “everything is lost”.

In this state, we tend to cross out everything, burn all bridges.

First, I check that I did everything correctly. I did. Then I freak out and think about whether to go to the sellers of shawarma.

• Lost

We do not understand where we are, the foundation disappears, the basis on which we can rely.

If something goes wrong, if I do a lot, and the result is zero, then for some time I row by inertia, telling myself that everything will be just as I imagined. And then I realize that “just about” has not happened for a long time, and I turn into moral dust. I don’t think anything good about myself or about the future at these moments.

• Brokenness

Desperation affects well-being, too. Fatigue comes from nowhere, and suddenly something can get sick. This is psychosomatics.

• No future

It is very difficult to make plans and hope for something when everything is falling apart and the ground is crumbling under your feet.

My despair is always tragic. It transcends business and spreads throughout life, which becomes meaningless and unnecessary, despite the high spiritual teachings and the acceptance that this is all just a game of the ego.

• Panic

For those who are accustomed to regular victories, it is especially difficult to come to terms with despair - chaotic actions begin on the principle of "do at least something, just don't stop."

I begin to ask myself questions, torment, analyze and engage in other types of masochism.

• Loneliness

We are not accustomed to being weak, and it seems inconvenient for us to show that we despair. Most often, people despair in loneliness.

Each of us thinks that he is the only one. The rest are all so positive and successful, and I'm a toy terrier!) But we got together here and said that there are many of us, we are like that, and this does not prevent us from being cool in what we do!

• Humility

We allow despair to take over all our thoughts and time, fall into it completely and boil in it.

I am terribly desperate, and I go into a deep, deep minus, that I don’t know how and I can’t, and I don’t have a profession, and I don’t have anything, and everything is bad in all areas.

Where does despair come from?

Recognition of the problem and understanding of its nature is almost half of its solution. In the course of the discussion, we found out that despair and its attendant conditions have specific causes. Everyone has their own, but knowing them, you can carry out prevention and, at a moment of despair, at least not be surprised. So why do we despair?

• Little experience

When we are just at the start of the project, there are still many bright expectations, often having nothing to do with reality. Aspiring freelancers and entrepreneurs despair much more and more often. If you process these moments correctly, a natural reaction is formed that helps to cope.

• Little real response to activity

Experts whose activities are related to networking, remote consultants, and perhaps all freelancers have to go through a period at the beginning of their journey when it is not clear how the end consumer relates to your work.

You do something, you do it, and you have no idea what happens from your actions with others, or if it happens at all. And at times you think that everything, nothing happened, it didn’t work out.

• perfectionism

The rejection of halftones, the desire to do only excellent, and not good enough, the desire to be the best in everything drove many specialists into deaf despair, who are not used to measuring success in intermediate results.

• Lack of a solid base

Interlocutors describe despair as a fall into the unknown. We easily succumb to the desire to give up and give up everything when we do not have a solid foundation under our feet in our activities.

If possible, every day to do at least some little thing (for which there is enough moral strength) for the main thing.

• Intolerance

Even if we accept despair, we want everything to start to improve the very minute - immediately after acceptance.

Often it turns out that you just had to wait a little - because it was not zero, but a delayed result. Not immediately, but over time. But I already have time to collapse into despair.

What to do for those who are desperate

Incredible people - fans of "Marketing from the Basics"! They came up with or adopted from others different ways to overcome the state of hopelessness. In our condemnation, we found out that universal ones do not exist: choose what is closer to you at a given moment in time.

• despair

Just feel that there is. Fell.

The next day I get up. The phrase comes to me again that there are no hopeless situations. I begin to unravel the knotted rope of my failures. And so on until the next falls-tragedies. Each time there are more of them, the burden is heavier. It turns out you need to hit one point to the end. Whether this end will be a happy ending, we will find out at the end of the film.

To whine, to admit publicly that I am in dust and in feelings, that everything sucks and nothing will work out. And you immediately understand that you are not alone in your feelings, and people get out of this state.

I work in a car: it's a great place where I can cry, scream, howl sometimes. But the gasoline in the car runs out, and with it comes the need to crawl out of the pit, rake yourself in molecules and go to the gas station.

• Don't despair

Before you despair, make sure that there is a reason for this. Sometimes what happened is just an opportunity to review everything that happens.

The space has three options for answering your request:

1. Yes, but not now.
2. I have something better for you!

In such cases, I try to remind myself that there is no need to flog a fever, that everything is probably not what it seems at first glance, that I do not have enough information to draw far-reaching conclusions.

• Check all components of the project

Sometimes, it is enough to go through all the steps of a business or workflow with the right tools to fix it. You start one gear in the mechanism, it will capture another, that one - the third. So the whole machine will work.

• Celebrate daily victories

Every day we make a lot of actions in the project - successful and not very successful. If you write down all the successful actions before going to bed, praise yourself for them, and in moments of despair look at these records, an understanding will form that you are not such a loser.

We have a magic box where we put notes with our victories, no matter how big or small. We fix everything. Helps!

• Pay attention to physical sensations

Some people pass everything through the body - it is for them that psychosomatics works: for no reason at all, unpleasant reactions occur in the body - legs, arms, eyes, internal organs hurt. Body practices will help those who are especially sensitive from the point of view of the body.

The practice that I am doing helps in these moments.

1. Bring your attention back to your body. Do not think about problems and defeats, but carefully observe how the air enters and exits, how it touches the nostrils, larynx, goes in, then goes back. Feel how the buttocks touch the chair, the feet touch the floor, how clothes feel on the skin, and so on.
2. Carefully observe how despair is reflected in the body - it can be perceived physically, it compresses something, twists, hunches.
3. Tell yourself: “I am not a desperate, unhappy person, but an attention that sees despair as a physical fact - next to breathing and other sensations.

Then despair becomes weaker, does not control my actions, it can be experienced and moved on. And this approach allows you to better learn from your mistakes: you can calmly consider them. It often turns out that this is not entirely a mistake, but simply the world has changed a little, and we need to do something differently now.

Try it better when everything is calm. In desperation, there is no time to learn a new practice.

Withdrawing attention from thoughts that devalue me and my work to sensations in the body. If the sensations are unpleasant, I do everything to remove the cause of the unpleasant in physics, or simply relieve tension in any way possible: it is in physics, relaxing and smoothing the body.

• switch attention

In our life there is not only work, business or projects. There is family, friends, leisure. Distracting ourselves from the area where everything seems to be bad, we leave despair in the place where we met it, until it completely captured the entire mind. Then it will be much easier to return to this point and deal with it.

I know for sure that no work is wasted. You can understand this after a long period of time, but it's true. In such cases, I say to myself: it means that you need to relax or do something else. And lo and behold: as soon as you switch, everything immediately gets better.

Do something else, quietly continuing the main thing, but shifting the focus of attention from it. This is what I am still learning. I explain to myself that the main thing will not fall apart if I get off it for a while with my tense desperate expectations and fill my life with positive from other areas.

More diverse work, communication with different categories of clients, excluded people who can “impose” hopeless attitudes on me, and included a new attitude “I’m happy anyway!” I noticed that I changed my attitude to failures. Previously, it spoiled her life, but now she decided to remain happy, despite different financial results. For example, they agreed with a partner for one amount of mutual settlements, and he changed it once. At first, this was frustrating, I tried not to deal with him anymore. And now I just bring everything with him at the level of “this is the best partner” - in the end, everything changes for the better!

I am being treated by switching to another type of activity. As a rule, I exhaust myself with short or long journeys. When I travel, I calm down and soberly analyze what went wrong. With a sober mind, I admit that this was also an experience and I take up the matter again.

A couple of years ago I went to a sanatorium in Pskov for two weeks, where there were a minimum of people, however, there was Internet, but slow. I took care of my health for half a day, painted, walked.

Now it has come gradually that all ideas and projects simply cannot work out, it doesn’t happen like that! I found my own way: I have 3-4 of them at the same time, large and small. And when one gets stuck, goes the wrong way, doesn’t work, the others don’t let you fall into sadness, because they ask for attention and mobilize.

• Seek support from loved ones or professionals

You don’t need to shift the whole burden of the problem onto them, but to feel that you are not alone is important and not only for those who are desperate.

If someone keeps close, then in 2 days the brain falls into place, if there is no one nearby, and the brain has completely gone to the knees, then I burn, and then I either rebuild everything anew or go to build something new.

When I need "hugs", I go to my husband. When I need support, I go to my psychologist. When I need to "think about someone", I go to a coach. Support is multi-format.

My husband helps me terribly: in the most bitter moments of sobbing and sprinkling ashes on his head, he looks skeptical and says something in the spirit that he has already seen it somewhere - and then everything worked out. Therefore, you can stop crying and go to work.

My husband, in view of almost 10 years of experience, already has an algorithm for pulling me out from under the ice: hug, let me cry and sprinkle ashes to my heart's content, silently at first, but nodding in the right places. After that, I, perky, not always thanking much, already rush to do something.

I need to learn to ask for support in times like these. It does not always work. Especially if you go beyond the close circle.

Sometimes there are good words from the environment. Words that help the brain to put in place and return from the cosmos of nothingness and despair to solid ground. And it's definitely not the words "you will succeed."

• Get your own inspirational quote

Everything will be fine in the end. If it's not good yet, then it's not over yet!

Winston Churchill said: "Success is the ability to move from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."

I really like the phrase of one psychologist: "Depression is not the moment of truth."

At such moments, I remember “Blessed are the obstacles - we grow with them!”

• speak out

I take a pen with a notebook and write out everything that is in my heart. Usually in the process comes a new understanding of the situation and new ideas. And in any case, the mood improves.

• Remember that despair will always be followed by recovery.

Always slides. Up, then down and back.

All events in our life occur in a sinusoid. And if the curve goes up now, I get achievements, and if it goes down, I get experience.

Some time ago, I kept waiting for a moment or a level when the despair would stop overwhelming. When everything goes uphill and not back. And just recently, the understanding came - it will not be so. And another attitude to these falls into despair. It's like waves: there will definitely be a rise behind them, you just have to not give up. “The hardest thing is not to go crazy with boredom and withstand complete calm.” Calm - when nothing happens, boredom, disappointment, zero energy. And when so - up and down, this is life with meaning.

• Remember previous moments of despair

If they remained there in the past, and you are here now, it means that you once overcame them and remained alive.

I rely on the most terrible and incorrigible moments that I still experienced. And then I go on with such a thought-feeling: if not me and not now, then no one ever.

I'm learning to deal with defeat. Not just to worry - to chew, perhaps just for that very piggy bank of emotional experience, which next time will help not so squeak in pain when - eh! And again I will hit on failure, failed plans, set-ups and so on. Only recently I realized that anesthesia with such spiritual anguish helps one-time, but globally it prevents you from understanding and building a bridge from emotions to feelings that will accurately indicate why and why this is necessary.

Now there are no such long failures, so it’s somehow easier. And I also like to remind myself at such moments that it was “testing a hypothesis”, it was just a hypothesis, it could be confirmed, in this case it was not confirmed, and now I know it.

Tiny nervous breakdown by Barbara Sher:

1. Find a place where you can be alone.
2. Choose your text for lamentations. "I'm in pain, bad, oh-oh-oh!" “Someone help. I'm too small to bear. I can't handle it." Or whatever you like.
3. Give yourself over to the bitter emotions for a few moments.
4. You will understand that everything is over when your heart feels better.

• Listen to supportive music

The song “I won’t give up without a fight” helps me.

And me - the cat Leopold! 🙂 He has great motivational songs!

• Look at despair with positivity

Any trouble is luck, the meaning of which is not yet clear to us. When your plans break down, the Almighty sees a way to "cut" the corner to the goal. And finally, you can say to yourself: “OK, now imagine that you have everything the same, but also diarrhea!”

Any undertaking needs time. For energy boost. Perform the necessary minimum of cases and give to the decision of the Universe. Don't get attached energetically. And the flywheel spins!

• Accept

Acceptance is not humility. Accepting despair, we accept the fact that we are desperate, we go through this emotion, as if we were walking along a dilapidated, shaky bridge over an abyss. It's scary, but there are not so many other ways to get to the other side: the detour is too long, and there are no guarantees that we will not meet other abysses, and to jump over - we need remarkable strength and years of training in advance.

You can’t climb a steep mountain along a smooth road, you need pebbles, ledges on the path, you rest against them, cling to them, and so you move up. My grandmother once told me this, I remember it.

There is such an experience - to allow yourself to despair. At least once. This is not a popular way. We usually don't allow it, we resist it. Somewhere there is an opinion that it is “wrong” to be in despair. That is why we reject it. The point is to live consciously and allow yourself to sink into despair. Such a conscious immersion, but not passive, but with active observation. What is happening around, what do I feel, is it as scary as it seemed before, and maybe I'm afraid of it in vain. You can see and learn a lot of interesting things about yourself. And finally let go of the "fear of despair" as a bonus. It's just a feeling, a reaction of the body to something that I don't want. Nothing terrible happens, the process is quite controlled, sometimes even interesting.

PHOTO Getty Images

Let's start with the question, what is despair. This is constraint, the lack of a way out, a solution. For example, a student knows: tomorrow is an exam, but he does not have time to prepare. Or a person gets stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the airport. Time is running out, and unless a miracle happens, he will miss the plane. Or a person has built a house, taken a mortgage from a bank, his debts are increasing, but there is nothing to repay them ... When we become desperate, we understand that there is nothing more we can do. That is, in despair, we always experience impotence. As long as we can still do something, something leads us to the goal, despair does not come. Despair comes when we notice that it is already too late: the misfortune has already happened. It destroys what is valuable to us.

Two poles: despair and hope

If the house was washed away in a flood, if my child died, if I experienced violence, if my relationships constantly have fights, if I led a life that led to bad decisions (separation, abortion, alcohol ...), then how can I continue to live on? My life is broken, it is filled with suffering, suffering and more suffering. A desperate person is close to suicide, because everything that exists, that is a support, a value, breaks down. Either it's already broken or I'm watching it fall and disappear. I feel pain when I see that the things that are important to me, the people to whom I am attached, are being destroyed in front of me. Or I stand in the midst of the ruins of a shattered life. There is no longer any hope. What else can be? There is no future, the present is ruins, an abyss. I have no way to intervene and do something, make a decision. I have no choice. I move close to the wall. I am powerless.

The opposite pole of despair is hope. If I have hope, then there is life. As long as we have hope, all is not lost. There may be some kind of turnaround, because the good is still there: the house is still standing, the relationship is still living, the child, although sick, can recover. The person hopes that the diagnosis he has been made is not the most serious one. He hopes to find a job soon and pay off his debts.

Hope and despair have similarities, they have the same structure. If I hope, then I also experience something similar to impotence. When I hope, it means that there is nothing else I can do. I brought the child to the clinic, I take care of him, I am with him, the doctors do what they can do ... And yet I can have hope. How is this possible? When I hope, I am connected with the child and with his life. And I will not refuse a relationship with this value. Even though I'm just sitting on my hands and there's nothing more I can do, but I keep in touch. I stay active - paradoxically. I wish for the best. I still have some confidence.

Hope and despair have similarities. When I hope, I experience something akin to powerlessness.

The attitude of hope is a very reasonable attitude. In hope, misfortune has not yet happened, and what has not happened is not yet completely certain. Something unexpected can happen, and the most reliable thing is to trust that a turn isn't out of the question. It is possible: the child will get better, I will pass the exam, I am not sick, I will find a job. Only the facts rule out the possibility. Hope is directed towards the future. I hold on to my desire, to my intention, to the fact that something can be good. I remain true to this value. It is important for me that the child is healthy, because I love him. And I stay in a relationship, connected. I hold this value high in my hand. This is happening on the basis of reality - it is possible that everything will still be fine. Hope is an art. This is a spiritual art. Next to your own weakness, instead of falling into impotence or lethargy, you can do something else, namely, do not give up relationships with value. In this case, “to do” does not mean external doing. This is a matter of internal installation.

Between hope and despair there is another concept that is close to the concept of despair, namely: "surrender". When I say, "It doesn't make sense anymore," then I give up value. It's close to depression. When a person gives up, he no longer has hope. There is still a little support in indifference - until a person falls into the abyss of despair. In despair, it happens differently: I am already in the abyss, but I do not give up value.

Desperation doesn't mean I've given up. A person who despairs is a hopeful person. This is someone who is still connected with values, who wants the child to get better, so that the exam can be passed. But unlike the hopeful, where there remains the possibility that everything will still be good, the desperate person has to see that the value that he holds on to is being destroyed or has already been destroyed. The one who despairs experiences how hope dies. What is important for his life, for which his life clings, is destroyed.

Despair is pain. The Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard thought a lot about despair and experienced it himself. For him, despair is a wrong inner attitude. This internal disorder comes from outside, from something else. Kierkegaard expanded this and connected it with God: he who does not want to live in harmony with God despairs. Psychologically speaking, we can say that despair means "to have no hope." This meaning is clearly seen in the Romance languages ​​(despair, désespoir, disperazione, desesperación). Without hope, I lose touch with value, thus I lose the bearing ground. And then my life cannot come to fulfillment. This is similar to what happens in fear. In fear, we experience the loss of the ground that supports us. In hope, this soil is the love of value and the relationship with it. Despair also has a structure of fear. Despair has a structure of meaninglessness - because there is no longer any context to guide me.

What does impotence mean?

Powerlessness breeds despair. The word powerlessness means that I cannot do anything. But still, this is not identical with the expression "not being able to do anything," because there are many things that I cannot do even if I wanted to. For example, I cannot influence the weather, politics, headaches. I can do something about it indirectly, but not directly. Powerlessness means "not being able to do anything, but willing." I want to but can't do it. And there are two reasons here: on the one hand, these may be circumstances that do not allow me, and on the other hand, the reason may be related to me. I want something, I want something When I give up excitement, desire, then impotence also disappears. We see here some doors that open up opportunities for us to work. Where do we experience powerlessness? We experience it in relation to ourselves. For example, I may worry that I am powerless about the addiction I have, or about the tumor that is growing, about the fact that I cannot sleep, that I have migraine attacks. I may feel powerless in relationships with others: due to the fact that I cannot change the other person, the relationship takes a terrible turn. But I would like to have a good relationship! And now I’m in a relationship like in a prison: I can’t change them, but I can’t leave either - although I am constantly hurt, devalued.

Or I can be powerless in a family in which there are constant quarrels, tension and misunderstanding grow. I've tried everything, said - and nothing changes. Of course, we also experience impotence in large communities: in school, in the army, in a company, in relation to the state - here we often have a feeling of “I can’t do anything”, we get used to it. We experience powerlessness in relation to nature, when floods, earthquakes occur, and in relation to economic processes, and in relation to changes in fashion. Powerlessness - when I am locked in some place, in an elevator, even worse - in a burning car. Then there is fear and panic. It arises if I feel myself given to life to be torn to pieces. I am powerless in relation to the depressive feelings that come to me. I am powerless when I feel alone, hurt, hurt, alienated. Or when my whole life is experienced by me as meaningless. What should I do here?

Let's look at the opposite pole again. The opposite pole is "power". What is "may"? “To be able”, like impotence, has a double structure: “to be able”, on the one hand, depends on the circumstances that allow me to do so, and on the other hand, on my strength and my abilities. Thus, the world and my own being are united here. In "to be able" we always relate to circumstances, and therefore for "to be able" obstacles may arise from the outside (for example, I got stuck in a traffic jam and could not arrive on time for a lecture). But obstacles can also exist within. For example, I, unfortunately, do not have the ability to speak Russian. This makes me a little powerless, because I would really like to know Russian. Of course, I could learn more, and then I could get myself out of this impotence. That is, "to be able" to a large extent depends on my strength and abilities, which give me a certain power so that I can manage the circumstances. If I have learned to drive a car, then I can dispose of it. "To be able" has a great existential meaning. "To be able" not only connects us to the world, but also opens up space for us to "be". In this space I can move.

The real “to be able” is always connected with “to let go”. That is, what I can, I must also be able to let it go. Letting go is the basic "power" of a person. To be able to be. "To be able" to let my feelings, my fears be - so that I can deal with them. I must be able to make pauses, breaks, and in the break I leave my activity. I should be able to break off, stop doing something if I can't and don't know what to do. Letting go is the basic, fundamental “to be able.”

A desperate person cannot let go. What is the problem with impotence? Why is impotence filled with suffering?

First, impotence makes us passive it paralyzes us. In fact, it does not paralyze, but forces. We feel that something is forcing us to do nothing. That is, exactly where I could do something, I have to do nothing. Powerlessness is obsession, it is strength, it is power. It's like rape. I have to let go, but I don't want to - and that makes me a victim.

Secondly, powerlessness robs me of the basis of existence - action. In impotence, I can no longer form, create anything, I can no longer be somewhere, I cannot live in relationships. I can't do what is important to me. I cannot realize values ​​and be a participant in the creation of meaning. I am no longer in powerlessness - although I am still here. My personality no longer develops, the meaning of my being is not lived.

Thirdly, impotence robs me of dignity. When I am a victim, I am deprived of dignity and worth. I'm sort of pushed aside, and situations come at me. Powerlessness is soldered with despair. This combination gives despair the same structure as trauma. A severe wound, which is trauma, the experience of an approaching death for which you are not ready, has as its consequence that a person is thrown out of his inner fixation. It loses ground, and values ​​lose their power. A person no longer knows what is important to him. He does not see a larger system of interconnections that he can trust.

Two Causes of Despair and Powerlessness

• a person is too strongly fixed on something, focused on some goal and some value that he cannot refuse, leave, let go;
• there is no relationship with the deep structure of existence. There is no feeling that something else carries you, a sense of the deep value of life, a sense of your own depth and your own value as a Person and the meaning that encompasses everything.

This analysis of the causes of despair and powerlessness provides the basis for help. Instead of continuing to convulsively hold on to what was valuable, I should say goodbye and be able to let it go. Let it come, come. In desperation due to the disease, due to the fact that after all it turned out to be cancer, accept it. Yes it is. And see what I can do with it now. Without coming to this “to be able to let go”, a person will remain in despair. Then we can work to start feeling the deep structures of existence again. So that I can relive that ultimately something is holding me back. That death is a part of life. And that I might as well die. If I cannot die, then I will again and again be in despair.

What to do?

We can work with the themes of despair and impotence in terms of the four basic structures of existence.

1. If there is despair in connection with some kind of force, violence, then we are talking about helping a person, supporting him so that he accepts this situation, which cannot be changed, and is able to hold it. Accept means "I can let it be." Such an attitude is only possible for me if I look at what holds me and see that I can be, no matter what. I can be myself. I can let it be because it allows me to be.
2. If we are talking about the inexorability of life, circumstances, then sadness helps. In sadness, we dedicate ourselves to the feeling that we gain because of the loss, and tears connect us again with life. And if I'm desperate about myself because I kind of screwed up my life myself, because I can't forgive myself for it, because I'm ashamed of it, then the work here is that I have to look at myself and give others to look at me so that I can get a picture of myself again. Who am I, exactly? And it's about living regret. Regret means looking at what I did and feeling how much it hurts me. "I'm sorry, it hurts me."
3. If I cannot meaningfully change something in my future, then I will learn to live with the new situation. I ask myself the question: what does this situation want from me? If I have cancer now, what does cancer want from me? For example, for me to create something, to do something so that I can lead a life with this disease, and so that this life is also good. It will be a different life, but it can be a good life. This is how I respond to a new situation. At the depth of the structures of existence, a feeling will again be established that something is carrying you, holding you. What will ultimately hold me back if everything falls apart?
4. To look at new ground, at a new beginning. What is there in my life where I can experience a sense of inner harmony? Fulfillment will come into life again when I have inner agreement with what I am doing.

For more information, see Thesis website.

In the life of any person there are such emotions as sadness, longing or sadness. They are not experienced only by hardened cynics who react in cold blood to any manifestations directed against morality. Despair is unknown to such subjects, but there are much more sensitive people in society.

The causes of despair can lie in the following life situations and features of the human character:

• unrequited love. She, as you know, all ages are submissive. Even rebellious bachelors cannot deny the fact that they have at least once in their lives been seriously infatuated with another person. The happiest people are narcissistic narcissists, because their adoration of themselves will always be rewarded. In the movie "Big Change" the song "We choose, we are chosen, as it often does not coincide" sounded, which immediately became loved by the people. Even the strongest person can be broken by unrequited love. Additional suffering to the desperate can bring the happy eyes of the object of passion, which are directed in a completely different direction.
• Betrayal of a loved one. If you do not take into account convinced swingers, then betrayal can be a tangible blow for one of the partners. However, not only physical betrayal with another person can lead the victim of betrayal into despair. Sometimes a careless or intentional word really brings more trouble than an actual deed. A secret told to strangers or a lack of support from a loved one in a difficult moment can lead a person into a state of deep disappointment, which is similar in nature to despair.
• The collapse of hopes. Sometimes we plan the impossible because we think we are genius idea generators and natural born leaders. Loving yourself is not forbidden, but a sense of proportion should always be present when analyzing your further actions. The result in this case is always sad: broken hopes and immersion in a world of painful despair.
• Loss of a significant person. The death of loved ones is always a difficult test for the psyche. Not everyone is able to withstand this, because the mechanism of despair automatically turns on. Separation from a dear person without the prospect of a further meeting can enter the same state.
• Inveterate selfishness. Do not confuse this concept with hedonism, when a person puts life's pleasures above all else. Taking care of themselves first of all, people of this type can then readily help others. Such livestock radiate so much energy that they are always surrounded by a large number of friends. Egoists, who pity, cherish and cherish only themselves from morning to night, very often become gloomy and bilious loners. Human nature is designed in such a way that we want not only to give, but also to receive in return. One who loves only selflessly sharing everything is either a blissful person or an altruist at the very peak of self-denial. As a result, the egoist is completely at a loss because he remains completely alone. The result is a plunge into despair, which can develop into persistent depression.
• Sluggishness of the soul. For people with a clear life position, periods of despair do not drag out, because the instinct of self-preservation is triggered. An amorphous person readily gives himself to be torn apart by fate and circumstances. His main self-justification is the belief that fate will still overtake always and everywhere. It is easier for such a fatalist to plunge into a whirlpool of despair than to fight for his life.
• Severe and incurable disease. This attack can overtake both the person himself and his loved ones. In this case, people are seized by despair, the nature of which is clear to anyone. There is not much to say here, because such a life situation can be beyond even the strongest spirit.

Important! Psychologists insist to address in all listed cases to the expert. A person in despair is a direct prerequisite for suicide or a mental disorder.

Varieties of despair in humans

As strange as it sounds, despondency and despair come in different forms. The most striking manifestations of this mental shock include the following types:

1. Despair is a challenge. Of such people, Stefan Zweig said that "great despair always breeds great strength." Such individuals do not need the help of psychologists, since the described state of mind in them is a temporary phenomenon.
2. Despair is weakness. Hypochondriacs with a lazy soul are very fond of being in a state of chronic depression. They need to suffer like air and find a hundred non-existent diseases in themselves. Weakness in this case leads their life into continuous immersion in despair. The help of a psychotherapist with this problem is needed only if a person secretly does not enjoy self-torture.
3. Despair as an established system. The famous writer Albert Camus once argued that "the habit of despair is much worse than despair itself." There are people-programs who enter a certain state and do not make any attempts to change the current situation.
4. Complete despair. This kind of mental breakdown is the most dangerous. It is accompanied by severe depression and unwillingness to live. A large number of suicides are connected precisely with the cause of complete despair. In this case, a person must literally be saved by all possible means.

Ways to deal with despair in life

From the foregoing, we can conclude that despair can and should be fought. A self-respecting person will never let circumstances control his life. The state of despair is a pathology that must be disposed of in order to avoid a tragic ending.

The healers of human souls have developed a whole system of dealing with an insidious disease that destroys the essence of the individual. After all, life is something worth fighting for until the end.

Among the most common ways to get rid of despair, psychologists identify the following methods for eliminating the problem:

• positive attitude. We ourselves create our own destiny, so blaming others for what happened is a thankless task. It is necessary to activate the so-called “happiness center” in oneself, which will help to avoid protracted depression. You can become an egoist for a short period of time in order to recover from the trauma inflicted on the psyche. Despair is an insidious thing that triggers the mechanism of self-destruction. Therefore, in the fight against it, it is necessary to pay as much attention to yourself as possible in order to return to loved ones and relatives in the future as a completely different person.
• Activation of the "chain of positivity". In this case, the animated film “Just Like That” is immediately recalled, which, in terms of its semantic load, has no restrictions in terms of the age category. A boy with a pure soul and just a good mood brought several characters of the animated video out of depression and despair. From what has been described, we can conclude that an excellent means of combating despair is not voluptuous sobbing in a circle of one's own kind, but communication with cheerful optimists.
• Full contact with family and friends. Another proven method of eliminating the state of despair from life is the scarring of wounds in the family circle. If the betrayal happened precisely on their part, then you can always find solace in a conversation with trusted friends. It is very rare for a person to have no one to turn to for help. Perhaps, just in a depressed state, he does not notice those who are truly dear to him. The folk saying that "a husband loves a healthy wife, and a brother loves a rich sister" is unacceptable among decent people with clear moral principles. In this case, there will be a chance to check your environment, removing unreliable hypocrites from it in the future.
• Finding an interesting hobby. Nothing helps in a depressed state like doing an exciting thing. You should remember what you liked as a child. A streak of despair in a person's life is a great opportunity to make up for what was once lost. If modeling was to your heart, then you can try yourself in pottery. If you want to paint pictures, while not having a visible talent for painting, you should also not deprive yourself of the chance of rehabilitation. It is not for nothing that coloring-antidepressants and paintings with the outline of the future masterpiece have become very popular today. Even self-improvement in artistic whistling will by no means be shameful when it comes to saving one's destiny.
• Occupational therapy. Many people, after the loss of a loved one, plunge headlong into work, trying to load themselves to the maximum. This often works, because the soul sometimes hurts even more in idleness. Serf Stepan from the famous movie "The Formula of Love" clearly articulated the state of hypochondria and despair. A simple man accurately figured out the master's problem, which lay in inaction and stupid doubts.
• Rejection of bad habits or their restriction. Only naive people or convinced alcoholics believe that hops can dull the recurring mental pain. The only gain with this lifestyle is a systematic hangover, which is unlikely to add color to the life of the desperate. Those who are accustomed to “eating” grief with a cigarette instead of full-fledged food will also have to experience a feeling of despair more than once in case of subsequent diseases.

Attention! If all of the above methods of dealing with despair have not been successful, then a visit to a psychotherapist is recommended. You just need to find a competent and trusted specialist, so as not to get into a session with a charlatan.

Folk methods of dealing with despair

Since ancient times, people have tried various methods of eradicating mental ailments. There were no psychotherapists at that time, and not everyone could afford to be sad and sad in the struggle for survival.

People's advice on how to deal with despair looked like this:

1. Prayer. The church has always been one of the most popular means of helping people. When a problem arose, the people recommended seclusion in a secluded place to offer prayers to God. Then it was necessary to light a lamp or a church candle and stand in front of the icon necessary for the ceremony. It was believed that it is best to appeal to John Chrysostom, Nicholas the Wonderworker, Jesus the Almighty and, of course, the Mother of God. The next step for our ancestors was the prayer "Our Father" and repentance for the sins committed. In conclusion, it was advised to read the appeal to the Saint in front of whose icon the ceremony was performed.
2. CONSPIRACY. Superstition has always been inherent in man, so people often resorted to such things. In this case, it was recommended to take a piece of white cloth or a scarf and go with it to the church that was located next to the cemetery. Having given alms to the suffering at the holy monastery, it was necessary to feed the birds with the bread brought with them. Then it was necessary to put candles to those saints on whom the hope was placed for deliverance from despair. The final action of our ancestors during the conspiracy ritual is the passage of the cemetery strictly clockwise and the reading of the corresponding spell at the exit from it. It was necessary to do this while facing the graves, while holding a white handkerchief in your left hand. The words of the conspiracy looked something like this: “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit! Your servant came to the threshold of the kingdom of the dead (the name given at baptism was called). He did not bring death with him, but only his black sadness and disgusting thoughts. Yes, let all this remain in the damp earth among those who no longer return. Let them keep my evil thoughts and hateful sadness. Everything I have said is an iron castle, steel locks and a stone canopy. Forever and ever. Amen!". The final touch of the ritual is leaving a crumpled handkerchief in the cemetery, throwing nine coins over the shoulder with the right hand with the comment that everything has been paid.
3. ethnoscience. If despair arose among seriously ill people, then ordinary people advised reading a prayer in front of the icon "The Tsaritsa", while calling on the Mother of God. This had to be done regularly, taking decoctions and infusions of medicinal herbs between rites. Each disease was supposed to have its own healing plant, but this prayer was preferred in case of illness. To calm down during depression, which led to despair, it was recommended to drink infusions of knotweed (1 teaspoon per 2 cups of water), mint (in a 1: 1 ratio) and chicory roots (20 g of raw materials per cup of boiling water).

How to deal with despair - look at the video:

Despair is a severe pathology that can imperceptibly turn a person into a puppet in the hands of fate. It is difficult to resist this feeling, but it is quite real. The described tips will indicate to anyone who wants the possible ways how not to fall into despair and give a worthy rebuff to the persecuting fate.