Photo: Jelena Dragovic/Rusmediabank.ru

A rare person has not experienced at least once in his life a sense of shame and its unpleasant consequences: moral torment, and even stress.

Is it possible to permanently get rid of the "blushing" feeling? Psychologists and doctors say that no, and you should not do this, because. serves as a certain regulator that determines human behavior and forms its individuality.

Another thing is a false sense of shame, based on self-doubt, non-existent complexes. It must be eradicated! Why does a person have to blush from some of his actions? How do you know if you are experiencing a sense of false shame? And what can you do to make your life easier? Read below.

Why are we ashamed

The feeling of shame evolves in us in parallel with the stages of growing up from elementary to complex. For example, it is not at all typical to blush from his actions: he throws porridge, burps, screams loudly - and there is no sense of shame! As they grow older, both parents and life itself are included in the upbringing process, the norms accepted in society, stereotypes of behavior, and imitation of others are assimilated. Children begin to be ashamed of the obvious things: the demonstration of the genitals, theft. That is, an internal controller begins to wake up in the head, saying “It’s not good to do this!”.

As you grow older, you can already be ashamed not only for a candy wrapper thrown past the urn, but also for bad thoughts about another. The latter, by the way, is the lot of a developed person: to follow the course of thoughts and analyze thoughts in relation to oneself and others.

It turns out that with a sense of shame - not innate, but acquired with the help. Therefore, now it is no secret why some blush, sneezing in front of a large number of people, while for others, champing in the dining room is a normal phenomenon.

How to make life easier by getting rid of shame

1. Determine the cause of shame.

If you are embarrassed for a certain act, the only way to ease your state of mind is by recognizing it and trying to correct it. An important step is the correct conclusions - how not to be in a similar situation again. Otherwise, you run the risk of blushing again and again for your actions.

2. Give yourself the right to emotions.

Indispensable stages in the fight against an unpleasant feeling that interferes with a full life are the awareness of a sense of shame, the ability to experience it inside and prevent external manifestations. You are a living person who is not alien to the whole range of feelings, from good to bad, you do not need to hide them from yourself.

3. Love yourself.

A slight delay, an untimely call, failure to fulfill a promise that is not too serious - things for which you can simply apologize and try not to repeat it in the future. But if even for minor mistakes you are overcome by a strong sense of shame and you blame yourself for what happened for many days, then it's time to think about. Ask yourself the question: if your acquaintance or friend committed such a “crime”, would you remember this guilt for a long time? Most likely, his apologies will be enough - and your resentment will pass. So why do so many of us continue to blame ourselves even when forgiveness has already been received from the other? Surely many have heard the expression "Love your neighbor as yourself." So, your task is to love yourself as ... your neighbor. You can quickly forgive him for a mistake, but to yourself? ..

4. Forgive yourself.

It happens that everyone has already forgotten about your embarrassment, but you are still tormented by shame. Stop poisoning your life: first of all, forgive yourself. Take this heavy burden off your shoulders. Straighten your shoulders, raise your head higher and decide for yourself once and for all that you did everything right and are not to blame for anything.

5. Learn to switch to the positive.

Make it a rule to think about what you are doing, not about how it happens. For example, you are unhappy with your figure. However, the reason for shame here is not specific parts of the body, but your attitude towards yourself. It is enough just to change your mind about and act: stop wearing baggy clothes, put on a skirt that is not so long, a dress with a neat neckline, high heels, choose clothes that fit perfectly on the figure and match the color scheme. By focusing on your strengths, you will soon find that the problem no longer exists.

6. Use the advice of psychologists.

According to experts, excessive modesty is perfectly treated with the help of all kinds of performances in front of the public: defile on the catwalk, acting courses, reading reports, etc. From the "old" negative feeling, a simple trick will help: write down on paper all the situations that have driven you into the paint, and burn it.

To forget about the destructive consequences of shame, it is important to learn to love yourself, start respecting your personality, and do such things to get. Stop dramatizing about the embarrassment that has occurred and remember: any situation is as shameful as you allow it to be considered as such. Therefore, everything is in your hands.

What to do if you are very ashamed?

I think that in order for the feeling of shame to pass quickly, it is necessary to tell about what happened to someone from the people closest to you and discuss this incident in all its details. Be sure to say what worries you the most and explain to the interlocutor that you are very sorry and you are very ashamed of what happened. After this conversation, it will become much easier.

There is only one way out: forget this incident. In order for him to leave the foreground as quickly as possible, you need to cover his other, more worthy and memorable deeds. Then the past will go into the deeper layers of the subconscious.

The most rational way is to forget about what happened. I don't see the point in sitting and chewing on the inside. You can try to find this person, but not the fact that it will work. If this person is a complete stranger, then it will be impossible to find him and it is best to just forget.

In such a situation, a good way out would be to mentally ask for his forgiveness and apologize to this person. A very efficient method. Thoughts are material. He will definitely feel it from a distance and will not hold a grudge against you.

Inspire yourself that the person forgot about what happened, because he will not live in this moment

Mentally ask the person for forgiveness, wish him happiness, well-being, and ask God to forgive you that you offended the person.

Fall through the ground. Joke

Don't push yourself. Forget and kill. Solve problems as they come.

Live HERE AND NOW, and do not hang out in the time in which you

Mentally apologize to that person - it also helps.

PEOPLE! And if I feel so ashamed, then I stupidly pick up the phone and start chatting there, making a smart face, supposedly busy with something))

If you are ashamed, then you certainly feel guilty for your act. This characterizes you exclusively from the positive side. Try to just roll around, ask for forgiveness from God, saying this situation to yourself, and then it will become easier for you.

Very often I encounter a situation where I feel completely uncomfortable, I feel ashamed of my actions or words, and I always ask myself the question: Why didn’t I act differently? . And there’s nothing special to do here, except to let go of the situation on your own and set yourself up correctly, because it’s too late to fix everything. I always try to reconsider what happened, and to extract some good sides from all this, even if they are not there, it is very important for me to calm down and come to terms with the situation. I advise you to gather your thoughts and speak out, this will help you move away from the problem.

Time is God. It forgives everything, unless, of course, there are no relapses later. If you have done something bad, and your conscience torments you, on the one hand it is good, then you have it. But on the other hand, then conscience cannot be drowned out by anything, these remorse must be experienced, they go away with time. And if you don’t repeat such actions anymore, these remorse will not return.

Forget, because you are unlikely to see this person, but for the future it will be a lesson for you. Although mentally ask for forgiveness. Thoughts are material. And it’s better not to engage in self-discipline, it doesn’t lead to good, you just torment yourself.

Do a very big and good deed to another person and leave without waiting for gratitude. For example, I saw that a granny with a huge bag was standing near the store - catch a taxi, pay and let them take her home. She is also a stranger, but for a good deed she will remember you more than once and mentally thank you ... From such seemingly strange acts, my soul feels very quickly ... If I accidentally do something bad, then I buy a huge bag of cat food and I take it to an animal shelter - for me it's more expensive atonement for sins in the church ...

If it is not possible to ask for forgiveness from a person, then, it seems to me, the only correct action in this situation is to learn a lesson from everything that happened. And the feeling of an awakened conscience will only fix this lesson in the head, so as not to step on the same rake a second time.

It is very good when a person has a sense of shame in front of another person. This characterizes a person as decent. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer such people in our country. In particular, I encounter the shamelessness of traffic police officers on the roads, who go there not for our safety, but like crows for prey, and how they rejoice when they see some kind of violation by the driver, even if it is insignificant and unintentional. Such people have no shame or conscience, they only have dollars in their eyes. Your parents raised you correctly and besides thank you I can't tell them anything.

They say that a woman should be proud of her man. And if you want to fall through the ground when he blurts out something in the presence of your parents or friends? .. If you want to move away and pretend that you see this man for the first time in your life - it’s so ashamed of what he does , says what it looks like, etc.?

What kind of pride is that? What to do if it is this thought that often visits - “I am ashamed of a man”? Something is not right, that's for sure.

What exactly - the behavior of a man or your attitude towards him? We understand together with "Beautiful and Successful".

Why are you ashamed of your husband?

• The answer is the first. Because he sometimes does things that no one will understand positively. Jokes stupidly, communicates undiplomatically, violates any rules of etiquette, etc.
• The answer is the second. Because he does not "feel" specific people. Does not catch who, what and when is more appropriate to say what topics to raise with whom, etc.
• The answer is the third. Because in public he is not attentive enough and gallant with you, which looks like he does not love you enough and is not a gentleman at all.

In general, this kind of answers can be many different, in each specific case.

In fact, the question should sound a little different: “Why am I ashamed of my husband, because he does all this, and not me? We are not Siamese twins, and I am not responsible for the actions not committed by me!

And the only true answer to this question is: you are afraid that you will be judged for the wrong choice of a man. “What did you find in him, is he so ill-mannered/lazy/stupid?”.

Here it is, a waking nightmare - you will have to come up with excuses and whitewash your prince in the eyes of the public: “Well, he’s not lazy, he’s tired at work today ...”, “Mom, you don’t know him at all, he’s not like me at all!”, “Lenk, you just didn’t understand his humor!”…

Of course, you can (and should!) send all advisers on choosing the “right” man far and without bread, saying that this is your husband, you love him just like that and are not going to make excuses! But why is it always so difficult to maintain this proud position in real life? ..

And here's why - the "wrong" choice of a man usually has some reasons behind it in the woman herself (at least in the eyes of the public).

You live with “some kind of different” husband, which means you didn’t take a higher bar: Johnny Depp passed by and didn’t invite you as a wife. He probably didn’t like your extra 5 kilos on your hips, undersalted soup and half-tidy apartment - only your lazy / witless / bald Vasya agreed to all this.

She married Vasya - which means that she herself is definitely not Angelina Jolie! But this is already embarrassing. So in no case should anyone be allowed to doubt the merits of your Vasya!

What to do?

Now that you know why you feel ashamed of your boyfriend or husband, you need to start looking for a solution to the problem.

Definitely wrong - every time you try to smooth out an awkward situation, justify the faithful, throw all your strength into “retouching” his reputation in the eyes of people who are significant to you. This is not the way out.

The maximum that you will achieve is that people will not show their true attitude towards your man in front of your eyes, so as not to offend you. And your self-esteem will not improve from this.

And relationships with a loved one can be ruined: come on, constantly advocating for him while he messes up this way and that - what kind of relationship will stand it?

What is really needed? You need to honestly answer yourself the question: do you love this man as he is, are you ready to accept him with all the shortcomings?

It happens like this: I’m ashamed of a guy only in public, but alone with him everything is absolutely fine, if it weren’t for society, everything would be perfect for me! If you know for sure that this is your man and you are best with him, be with him and do not make excuses to anyone.

Actually, society's assessment of your man's behavior is not your problem, but his own. If he has any difficulties in communication, then let him solve them himself.

If you understand that your man does not fit into some of your company (he is different from your circle of friends, or) - just try to arrange a rendezvous for them less often. After all, he initially wanted to please only you, and not all your aunts and girlfriends at once!

And in general: a beloved man is not necessarily a “presentation” copy.

Do you feel good with him at home, alone or with your children? So why give yourself and him a hassle, pulling him “into the light” and each time providing a bunch of instructions - “just don’t talk to mom about our repair!”, “don’t even think about complaining in front of dad that you don’t get enough!” one vulgar anecdote - I'll beat it! ”?

Home slippers, with all the desire, cannot turn into evening shoes, but are you comfortable in slippers? So wear them, relatives and loved ones, and don't give a damn what people would think if you came to the theater in them (the allegory is understandable, I think)!

What if they're all right?

Do you remember the old joke where the whole regiment was out of step and only one soldier was in step?

It is also possible that you objectively see that others are right. You are ashamed of a man precisely because you see that he is really behaving stupidly - and no rose-colored glasses of a loving woman can save. He is really poorly educated, witty, lazy ... You are tired of pretending to be the only one "keeping pace."

If a woman can no longer admire and be proud of a man, she cannot love him.

Start thinking about what keeps you close to this person - habit, household comfort, fear of change (“what if I part with this, but I won’t find a better one”)? .. If you sincerely believe that such a man is not forever, he can change - talk with him and demand changes in specific matters.

Did he refuse to change right away, or was he just offended and did not understand what was the matter?

So it won't change! He promised to start working on himself, but time goes by, but no changes are visible? Will not change!

You can’t be sincerely proud of your man, you are constantly ashamed of him - so don’t force yourself, break up! It's better than having a man "okay-and-so-does" next to you for many years!
--
Author - Dasha Blinova, website www.site - Beautiful and Successful

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I feel like I have no future. I am confused and tired, I am ashamed of my actions, I would like to return everything back and fix it.

Hello, I'm confused and would really like someone to help. Probably it all started in childhood, when I had to quit professional sports due to an injury. After that, I changed a lot. I tried cigarettes, soft drugs, drinking a beer with friends at home - it became normal. Two days before my birthday, my friend and I were shopping and somehow it so spontaneously happened that we tried to steal things. The family is financially wealthy, I don’t know why I did this disgusting thing! I am very ashamed, disgusted. At the moment, 07.09, instead of celebrating my seventeenth birthday, I sit and wipe my tears. The family is in shock, they all openly said that they did not want to know me. Mom is crying, sister does not want to talk. They say that I will have a criminal record and I am very afraid. Does that mean I can't go anywhere? I have been preparing for medical school for a year, and now what, a lost dream?
I want to go and die so my mom won't have any more problems. I'm tired of hearing how she cries and says phrases such as "It would be better if you died, I would cry and start living normally!" "Why didn't I have an abortion?" "Can't you put a chair by the window?" "If you cut yourself, then cut for sure"
I hate myself and don't know what to do now and how to look people in the eye. Maybe it's better to really go somewhere quietly to die?

I gave myself a great birthday. Stupid.
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Alice, age: 09/17/2015

Responses:

Alice, well, this is your birthday, and who said that it cannot be like that? you yourself understand everything about your act, repent. Everything will be fine, no doubt! You made a conclusion, do not repeat these mistakes. Live, be happy!!!

Quiet, age: 48 / 09/07/2015

Hello. I had serious problems with my parents. Now I'm 22 and nothing seems to have changed in general. But I just let go. There was no crime in my biography. But there were even more shameful things. On the one hand, I was lucky that my mother did not find out about many adventures. In fact, everything is not as scary as it seems. Honestly, at the age of 17 it seemed to me that the ground was constantly slipping from under my feet and that it would always be like this. I more than understand you. You just need to wait. I don't think it will all go to trial. Just wait it out and get away from your parents. This will be the best solution. Good luck. Everything will be alright. Time and truth heals everything.

Anastasia, age: 09/22/2015

Alice, honey, calm down! Find at least one person in our world who would not make mistakes. There simply aren't any. And do not listen to these terrible things about abortion and cuts, put it out of your head, live in spite of everyone! For the sake of your future, study, work, husband, children. You'll be all right! Your act will be forgotten, everyone will understand and forgive. The main thing is you realized what is good and what is bad. Take care!

Irina, age: 09/27/2015

Alice, mom doesn't want you to die, she's just upset. You made a mistake, it happens to everyone. Draw conclusions and think about the consequences of your actions next time. and LIVE. God bless you!

Katya, age: 35 / 09/07/2015

Alice is a beautiful name. Probably also beautiful to the point of madness. At the expense of family relations, this is of course difficult. For stealing things from a store ... they won’t do much to a minor either. make? this will not interfere with your institute in any way. And your parents, of course, love you, but often because of this love they go too far, but they will soon move away from their insults. You have 5 most carefree and happiest years ahead of you - Institute. Find yourself a good boy. There is so much more to come))) Smile Alice everything will be fine.
P.S. I messed up so much in my life, made mistakes, was on the verge of death .. I remember, I wrinkle, but still alive).

Vladimir, age: 09/28/08/2015

Alice, everyone makes mistakes in life. And often call themselves fools and feel sorry. I don’t know what will happen, but it will be a lesson to you not to do this in the future. There were a lot of problems from the fact that you don’t know where to apply yourself, there was sports, everything was planned out. And then, having nothing to do, you went to try drugs, cigarettes ..
Be sure to find something to do. Bad companies are addictive and this lesson will help you not to commit something more deplorable.
And find yourself friends who will support you and do better.
Happy birthday! I wish everything works out for you.

Alexey, age: 33 / 09/08/2015

What mom says, don't take it to heart. These are just words. I am sure that she loves you more than life, since she is so worried about you. EVERYONE makes mistakes! The main thing is that you realized your mistakes. Whatever happens, give yourself a vow that it won't happen again. Ask the Lord for forgiveness. Everything will be fine, do not give up, do not be offended by your mother, because you upset her after all, ask her for forgiveness. Everything will be fine with you, live, believe in your dream.

Tatyana, age: - / 09/10/2015

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I live in an apartment, I rent a room from the owners. They treated me well, I have been living with them for more than a year. The owner's granddaughter has the same phone as mine, and they bought her a new one. Mine had a slightly broken bezel and the headphones didn't work, so I switched our phones by changing the bezels. and today everyone found out, and asked me why I did it, I said that it was not me. I returned the phone, now it’s very embarrassing and I don’t know how to continue to live with them after such an act. It’s almost theft, I still don’t know why I did it, I hate myself for it, and it would be stupid to apologize too, and you can’t say that I didn’t want to. I'm at a dead end and don't know what to do, please help

Irinka, step by step. First describe to yourself what you did. It is the guilt that torments you. Then explain to yourself why. I understand that this is difficult for you, but still. Then forgive yourself.

But this is superficial, in the depths there are unsatisfied needs to have what you do not have magically, miraculously. If you're willing to work with it, get in touch.

Good answer 2 bad answer 2

Hello Irinka.

This can happen to anyone. I think you thought no one would know. But the situation turned out differently.

You are ashamed now. Shame is the thought that you are bad. I believe that you are not bad, but you just did a bad deed. And this guilt, unlike the feeling of inferiority, can be redeemed.

If you shut up and just walk away from them, the situation will be unfinished and will torment you for a long time. Another option is to talk to these people. It is not necessary to explain everything, you can just apologize, and then it will be clear whether you can live together or not. But the draft will be much less if you speak out.

Good luck to you.

Best regards, Tamila.

Good answer 1 bad answer 1

Hello Irinka!

I don't know how old you are, but I think if you are already renting a room, then you are of legal age. And that means you have to grow up. And excuses like “I didn’t want to steal, but I stole” (and you stole the panel, what can I say) will not work with adults. You wanted a new panel, but you didn't want to feel the shame that people get caught stealing. This is clear. But if you want to become an adult and responsible for your life, then now you should not try to deceive others and yourself, but honestly admit - yes, I stole it, and I am very ashamed of it. And to be completely in this shame, then, if it is not compatible with your characterology and value system, you will no longer steal, and this act will become a lesson for you. Perhaps you don’t need to open your soul to these people if it’s not safe for you (although it would be best, because you stole it from them), but someone needs to make this confession and repentance. You need to be with your shame in the presence of other people, it educates and develops us, believe me. You can go to a psychologist or a personal experience group. All the best, Elena.

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Hello Irina! What you wrote here and shared is already good, and note that no one condemns you! Do you blame yourself, or blame yourself. You can redeem yourself if you confess, apologize and say that this will never happen again!!! Since, in fact, what was taken was returned, there was no physical damage, but only moral damage, for which it is better to apologize or ask for forgiveness, taking responsibility for your misconduct! And then, they have a choice: to forgive you and leave you on the same terms, or to forgive and say that they terminate the contract with you, or not to forgive, etc. The main thing is not even how they will act, but the fact that you will become honest, first of all - before yourself and your conscience, realizing, with your shadow part, your envy, because when you admit it in yourself, you able to control their behavior! Wish you all the best! Sincerely, Ludmila K.

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Hello Irinka.

Fact - you did it, and now you hate yourself. Irinka, do you want to be gone? Everyone makes mistakes, sometime they do a bad deed. But this is only one act, and besides this, you are probably kind, sensitive, accurate. Think about what qualities your landlords value you for. But the fact of theft is. Recognize it! Do not erase yourself from the face of the earth, but admit: “I did it, but I will control myself so that this does not happen again!”