Unlike most people, I love going to the doctors. Since childhood, I loved to be treated: I liked the cheerfulness and confidence inherent in doctors, white coats and shiny instruments, attentive questions - after all, they asked not only my mother, but also me. They spoke to me seriously, as with a "big", and at the same time affectionately and reassuringly. In general, all my life I perceived going to the clinic as an easy adventure: exciting, but with a happy ending. However, a few years ago, I suddenly felt that something had changed. Despite active self-treatment, I had a severe sore throat for two weeks, and it became clear that I should see a specialist. But I couldn't. For some reason, this time the thought of doctors gave me a vague, but very unpleasant feeling. Reason said it was necessary, but emotions were actively against it. And this is with my love for doctors!
A month passed, and I could not bring myself to go to the doctor. My throat still hurt, especially unbearably at night. When I complained about my strange behavior to my mother, she suddenly said: “I think I know why you can’t convince yourself to go to Laura.” And she told a story from my early childhood, when ENT tried to lubricate my sore throat, and I struggled and cried until my mother and I just ran out of the office. I listened to her story, and the completely forgotten (more precisely, “displaced” from memory) case began to be restored with all the details, experiences, memories. After this conversation, I immediately felt at ease. It turns out that since then I continued to go to other doctors willingly, but at that time a “curse” was imposed on the otolaryngologist by my unconscious. I gathered my courage, once again reminded myself that that episode was in the distant past, and then calmly went to the clinic.
1. Analyze the past
So, if we find it difficult to force ourselves to do something, it is worth considering: are there any unconscious, but at the same time persistent barriers erected by our emotional memory in the distant past? Perhaps it is they who influence behavior and block today's motivation? Of course, such "excavations" are best done with a specialist, but sometimes introspection can be quite fruitful.
By remembering and re-playing an unpleasant episode, you can reduce the level of hidden pain and resentment.
An example from my practice. A client, a young musician descended from a musical dynasty, once shared with me a seemingly minor problem. The musical archive of his late grandfather, stored in one of the rooms of the Moscow apartment, has not yet been sorted out. For several months he made attempts to begin this difficult undertaking, but every time he put it off with vexation. “Something inside prevents me from doing, in general, quite interesting and important for me the study of my grandfather’s legacy,” this is how he formulated this problem.
We began to explore this "internal obstacle" until we came to a traumatic and therefore repressed memory from my client's preschool childhood. As it turned out, one day, due to a misunderstanding, he took a stack of music sheets from his grandfather's desk (and his grandfather was then alive and well) and painted them with paints. Grandfather was furious: it was his new composition - and rather severely punished his grandson. Since then, all the grandfather's papers have become forbidden for the baby, marked with the heading "do not touch!". Over the years, this episode "weathered" from the memory of the hero, passing into an unconscious, but powerfully emotionally charged layer of "unprocessed" memories. As a result of our joint efforts, this unpleasant episode was restored, "lost", which made it possible to reduce the level of his hidden pain and resentment. Soon the young man began to analyze the archive - the "internal obstacle" lost its energy and strength.
2. Prepare in advance
Let's not forget: anticipation breeds desire. Sometimes we don’t get down to what seems to be necessary things simply because we are not ready. The head is occupied by others. For any serious business, one must internally “ripen”. Gain strength, evaluate and find resources, set deadlines, work out an action plan, and then everything will go smoothly.
Here is a short life story told by a friend of mine. “The thirteen-year-old daughter begged for repairs in the kitchen and bathroom - she, you see, was ashamed to invite friends to our“ unkempt hole. Indeed, repairs have long been required, but how I did not want to start it! Discomfort, money, constant cleaning... I delayed the start of this event as best I could, despite my daughter's demands. And then a psychologist friend told me about the “preparation” technique. It was just what we needed! I immediately scheduled the start of repairs - in a month, not earlier. She announced the decision to her daughter and friends so that there was no way to “slip away” from her obligations. Arranged with a qualified and reliable team. Together they made a plan of action. Dragged all things from the future "battlefield". During this time, I managed to prepare mentally as well: I cleaned up my work so that I could run home without delay, tune in to a temporary “mobilization mode” of life. And when the deadline came, I dreamed of starting repairs as soon as possible. Now I wanted beautiful transformations no less than my daughter, and I was ready for the coming trials. That's what it means - a preliminary announcement, detailed planning, systemic organization and enhanced moral preparation!
3. Use motivation techniques that suit you
But what if you need to get down to business quickly? You will have to urgently look for ways and tools of motivation that are effective for you. In fact, we all know these methods very well, the main thing is to consciously turn to them.
Forward-looking people are highly motivated by the “image of the future outcome.” It is enough for them to mentally focus on the benefits that they will receive as a result of a successfully completed business, and they immediately begin work. Vivid visualization and imaginary stay in the desired future help some to "turn mountains". And here is the way one wise manager found.
“For work, I needed to learn German,” he says. - I had no desire, no time, no ability for languages. What to do? Knowing my characteristics, I went to the language group and mentally chose an active, motivated student of about my age and circle. This student, without realizing it, became my competitor and "engine of progress." There was excitement - to defeat him, to prove to everyone that I am smarter and more capable than the one who seems to be the best. The criterion is the final exam and intermediate marks of the teacher. My competitive, competitive nature did not disappoint: for a year of study, the battle was won. I did well in the exam and got more points than my talented classmate. What about language? Well, of course, I had to learn it. Without this, my victory would not have been possible.”
There is another option in my observation notebook. “As a strong-willed person, I can force myself to do what I need, but I don’t want to. Usually, willpower is enough for the first step, then it weakens, - said another client of mine, an employee of a large company. - But I found a great way: if I take not one, but two steps on the way to the result, then I will already “get involved” in the business, and it will be easier to continue it. I remember I had to prepare a big presentation at the end of the year. It was necessary to read many reports, collect figures and facts. At first I tried to divide the work into small stages. But each stage took a lot of energy, since doing all this was boring, painful, dreary. But then I decided to devote the whole day to presentations - and the work began. I felt the taste of dry analytics, delved into the data, imagined how they can be visually and beautifully presented. By midnight, the main substantive work was completed - much earlier than planned. And all just because I did not stop at the first stage, but went further. And the further you move, the easier it is - the work you have begun is already taking on meaning, form, meaning, and you already want to bring it to completion.
Of course, there are many ways to make yourself work. Your task is to choose what is right for you. Open the diary and see - what cases are regularly transferred from one week to another? If they are important, then why did you doom them to endless delay? It's time to understand this and start implementing them. Without delay. With inspiration. With a good result.
In our crazy time, when everyone is in a hurry somewhere, in a hurry to do something, while they don’t have time to get enough sleep, chat with their family, but they perfectly manage to spend a lot of time on traffic jams, of course, depression is simply inevitable. A huge number of people are prone to it and have no idea how to deal with it. As a result of depression, complete apathy towards the outside world appears, the desire to do something, fight, live disappears ... The best remedy for this is to learn how to want something. After all, if a person has a goal in life, then any work will be a joy!
How does apathy manifest itself?
Usually a person begins to think that he is a little overtired, and that in the near future a bad mood will pass by itself. But the days go by, and the hopeless quagmire draws in more and more, more and more. And now there comes a moment when you not only don’t want to do anything, but you don’t even have the strength to do those things that you had to do “on the machine” before. Complete apathy grows, a person ceases to be interested in the world around him, he does not want to do anything, think or even feel. Such depressive states also negatively affect the general condition of organs, for example, the heart. Obviously, you need to get out of such a negative state as quickly as possible. But what do you do when you don't feel like it? How do you want something?
Sleep and exercise
Before you understand what you really want, you need to make your internal state stable. To do this, you first need to get enough sleep. Sleep is the best healer for many diseases, including depression. It is also worth playing sports. You can at least just include morning jogging or gymnastics to rhythmic music in your daily routine. It is worth paying special attention to the fact that swimming helps to relieve mental stress. Establishing your emotional state, it is necessary to alternate physical activity and mental work. We have already talked about physical activity, but what about mental labor?
More communication
Learn how to want to want
So, first of all, you need to pay attention to the fact that in order to want, you need energy. The above methods will help you get it. Now you need to thoroughly “dig” inside yourself and understand what you are missing. Think about who you would like to see yourself as. If getting answers to these questions is still difficult for you, then just imagine some famous person who you like. Describe her. Highlight the positive aspects, mark her achievements in something. And now it is worth considering what you need in order to have the same achievements. Make an action plan for yourself. You need to understand that you do not strive to become a copy of your idol, but only strive to possess its positive qualities. For example, if this person has a good education, go to study. If he is successful in business, strive to create your own business. The main thing to remember is that you need to catch fire with the idea with all your might. It should encourage you to take action. Clearly think over your final result, draw up a real action plan, which should take into account your free time, the presence of certain skills and abilities. And only after that you can proceed to action. Of course, at first it can be very difficult to force yourself to get up from the couch and start doing something. But here no one can help you except yourself. You have to start, you have to take the first step and you will immediately see how interest appeared, energy began to grow, sparks lit up in your eyes, and every day you will begin to devote more and more time to the path that leads you to your intended goal.
How to want to learn
For some people, the learning process seems very boring, and they simply do not want to learn, they cannot overcome their laziness and unwillingness to learn something new. How to fix this situation? Very simple! It is worth compiling a list of 20 outstanding personalities who have achieved success thanks to a good education. Of course, everyone wants to be successful, and you are no exception. Therefore, imagine yourself a successful, accomplished person. Think about what material you would like to have in the future. Now you need to clearly realize that in order to achieve this, something material, you need a good job, and in order to get it, you just need a good education. So go ahead, to the development of new knowledge!
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I remember, as a child, I danced the polka dance, where the main feature was: a loud game of patties and a stupid chorus: “One! Two! I do not want! I do not want! But I want it!” At the same time, in the words “I don’t want to!” it was necessary to push the “old partner” away with all your strength with your palms, and on the last line to spin in a dance with a new partner, firmly grabbing his hands in yours ...
Why am I writing this? Moreover, as in the old Hasidic parable: we can be taught ancient wisdom by a banal telephone, and a prosaic telegraph, and not at all a metaphysical product of the human mind - a train, and ... a children's polka "I want or don't want" with its simple - philosophy and choreographic design.
In the comment to the article “Why is the yoke not removed from the neck?” a reader wrote this: “my problem is that I don’t know what I want.”
If you remember, the article talked about the fact that if a junk closet bothers you in your room, then it will not get out of there until you figure out what you REALLY WANT to have in the area occupied by the ill-fated closet.
And so the reader revealed the main problem: but it’s impossible to want something ...
And yet ... (I did not come up with this). As long as you don't want anything, you won't have anything. Not new, not funny, not good.
And moreover, you need to want - REALISTICALLY, showing with all your appearance that you really will take some steps towards what you imagined, and you clearly know where to “put it in your apartment” later.
And then some clients are sitting in a chair at the hairdresser and looking at a certain magazine (there are many such magazines). Well, you know what prints I'm talking about: with photos of other people's yachts, interiors, diamonds and spas.
And these people say, yawning lazily: “Well, why them I have everything, but I don't even have such yachts? And they indifferently point a finger at the yacht ... And they themselves don’t even know (and don’t want to know) how the tack differs from the bim-bom-bramsel, and in general they are swayed even in the elevator. I, too, are lovers of sea romance and salt spray ...
Stop-stop-stop... Before starting a serious conversation, let's agree right away: if you WISH only in this way, and only in this style, then no desires will ever come true for you. These are not “desires” at all, this is the bad activity of a half-asleep mind, languidly depicting an interest in the outside world and what is happening in it.
So. Why can't people even want to?
I will name and briefly reveal 4 serious reasons - the most basic and frequent. If you name other reasons, I will only be happy to add them to my list.
Reason #1 why a person is not able to "want"
or
"The Zeigarnik Effect".
First, I strongly refer you to the relevant article on the site. And secondly, still briefly about how it affects the problem on the topic.
The “Zeigarnik effect” (a psychological effect discovered and described by the Russian psychologist B.V. Zeigarnik) briefly boils down to the fact that having some unfinished business or task, a person cannot fall asleep and generally live in peace. But as soon as things are completed (and in any way), a huge amount of energy is released and a person finally sees the world around him and hears how these most notorious birds sing. Now it's time to want something. Even a glass of kvass, or something ...
Reason number 2 why a person is not able to "want"
or
"Unfinished Gestalts"
There are also materials on this topic on our website. However, let's say a few words here. It would seem that an unfinished gestalt is somewhat similar to the problem described by Zeigarnik. But here the scale is more global. This is the difference.
If in the first case we are talking about an unclosed turnover, then the gestalt implies some serious, “relational” life scenarios that remained unfinished. These are relationships with sexual partners, suitors and girlfriends, unresolved quarrels, clearly felt guilt or, conversely, resentment. All that implicitly prevents us from living in peace. The energy that is needed to build a desire is spent on thoughts about the past hidden from oneself, on the enchanting “I want!”
I'll give you an analogy. The debtor, who has not paid a fine to the traffic police or alimony, is going to go abroad, but he is stopped right at the customs and they say: “Wait a minute. You have not completed your business in THIS country yet. You left a smoking trail of weeping women and unfed babies behind you. Go and feed them, wipe away their tears, ruined all the affairs - and then go to yourself, wherever you like.
The fact is that the role of the state apparatus in the human psyche is performed by his “internal prosecutor” or conscience. Sometimes it's just a memory. If we still want to prove something to someone, come up and "beautifully" spit in someone's face... then energy will be spent only on maintaining this "eternal flame". And it is not enough for fresh desires.
Do you remember such a stupid song from the 90s?
“A heavy stone lurks in my soul,
Doesn't let you look at other guys.
I'll cut my hair and paint like Natasha,
Then we will figure out which of us is the most important!
If a person, despite threats to cut his hair, paint and deal with Natasha, just carries this desire for 20 years, then what NEW desires can we talk about?
Find this “natasha” inside yourself, give her a “turnip”, finally, and move on to the next exercises of industrial gymnastics. For time does not wait. And the 90s, thank God, are long over.
Reason number 3 why a person is not able to "want"
or
Persona... In my hat... At my table... With my wife... Who is there?!
And we also wrote a lot of materials about this problem on our website. But ... as they say, bast in line. If we disassemble our personality-broom by branches the way Carl Jung did, then there is - the Person and there is - I (very approximately, but now it is not necessary to be more precise).
Persona is our false self. This is what we mold for others, what we are not. Persona is what we lie about ourselves to the world.
So in the life of some people there is such a tragedy. A persona (an otherwise useful double) sometimes takes power into their own hands and begins to live our life instead of us. The person, and not us, begins to decide which resort to go to relax in the summer, which person to be friends with and invite him to his house for his birthday, and which girl to marry.
At this time, the real “I” is lying in a damp basement, bound with a rope, gagged in his mouth, and the person is feasting upstairs and telling, grabbing the latest anecdote from the Internet to his boss, chewing a sandwich with caviar ...
So remember: the Person, when it takes over in our personality, is the result of the fact that we “want nothing”.
A person simply does not know how to want... She is a cadaver, a golem, undead, she has no soul, she is made of papier-mâché and will fall apart - just poke.
Only I can want. Therefore, check your cellars - if your I is bound there, if anything - untie it and bring it to life. Be patient, and after a while it will tell you what it would like. At least a glass of kvass, or something ...
Reason number 4 why a person is not able to "want"
or
sheer exhaustion...
Well, what can I say? .. However, I will say. Banal overwork is sometimes a symptom of deeper - psychological problems. What? Read the first three paragraphs of this article. Here are some.
And sometimes overwork arises from the fact that we have already forgotten how many years ago we allowed ourselves a full vacation. Not miserable three days at sea (and even together with colleagues, all the hated "dress" - in a bus without air conditioning, to the sounds of an idiotic movie, whose place is in the garbage heap or in the collection of the driver of a similar type of transport) .. This vacation (three days at sea) is a serious blow to the immune system, and not a healing of the soul and body.
Not with children and husband. Not with wife and kids. Not with parents.
So what's stopping us from wanting?
Elena Nazarenko
If at the moment you are doing what you don’t like, if you are at a crossroads, want to change jobs, or are just looking for an occupation, then these tips will help you look at the situation more unfocused.
1. First you need to think it over well. And when you're trying to make a decision, try moving. For example: beat a pear, run or just walk around the room. During the movement, the psychophysical mood changes. The question, accordingly, becomes easier to consider from different angles.
2. Look at the situation from the outside, not as a participant. Another option: imagine how your idol or authoritative person would act in your place.
3. Visualize your dream. Imagine what sound, aroma, sensations it makes. Use all 5 senses to dive into the target.
Source: depositphotos.com
4. Get all the information you can find on your subject. Ask for advice, consult online, meet those who already have what you only dream of.
5. Decide what meaning the concepts “success”, “glory”, “dignity” have for you. At what cost are you willing to pursue your dreams.
6. Meditate on how you start doing what you want. Imagine that you have already reached your goal. How will your behavior change? This is how you behave in everyday life.
7. Stop looking at the world gloomy and brutal. Rejoice more, read jokes, watch funny shows or funny videos:
8. Try to describe all your feelings and states in simple words. For example: imagine how a 5-year-old child would talk about his dream?
9. Write down all your plans beautifully on a poster and hang it on the front door. Such a constant reminder will help not to be distracted from what was planned.
10. On a sheet of paper, write down in two columns what you will get when you reach your goal. Also write about what you will lose if you do not do what you like.
11. Learn stratagems (cunning plan, original way to achieve the goal). Based on this knowledge, develop your own. This will help you creatively achieve what you dream about.
12. Now imagine that you are watching yourself from the side, but having already reached the goal. What would you advise this person? This view will help you find additional opportunities to become what you want.
13. In continuation of the previous advice, do the following. Imagine that you are writing an e-mail to yourself, only on behalf of yourself, who has lived for a year. What advice would you give your real self? This will help you make decisions without relying on the baggage of past experience.
14. Always write down all the ideas that come to mind. Once a week, brainstorm for yourself, when for 45 minutes you write down all the thoughts that somehow relate to your dream.
Source: depositphotos.com
15. Ask yourself, what is the next step to take? After that, devote 45 minutes to training (hitting a pear, jumping rope, running). When you're done, write down the first answer that comes to mind on a piece of paper. Physical exercise stimulates the thinking process.
16. Play a creative game. Take a dictionary of the Russian or English language, open it on a random page, read the first word that caught your eye and its definition. Imagine how this information can help you do what you want. It looks like nonsense, but it's really useful.
17. Write down on a piece of paper what the worst thing can happen to you if you decide to change your life.
18. Always operate with concepts: “I will do”, “I will decide”, “I intend”. And not “I will try”, “maybe”, “I hope” and the like.
