Hello!

By nature, I am a very uncommunicative person and it is very difficult to find a common language with me. In communication, I never impose. There is a certain circle of people for which I hold on with a strong grip. But that's not the problem. Often there are people who try to put themselves above me, hurting, insulting and saying various nasty things about me. I am one of those people who does not listen to the opinion of strangers. Only my own person can offend me. I don't get offended, I don't hold anger, I don't hate anyone. I'm just a dumb person. I don't care about my social circle. So, I'm just wondering why this happens? Why do some people think they are better than me and why do they try in every possible way to prove it to me? And in such a mean way? What for? Some kind of complex? Or what? And why did they even decide that they are better and have the right to poke me in my shortcomings? All attempts to find out failed, I was either insulted further, or called an upstart, or changed the topic, or avoided for a while.

With all their negativity pouring on me, such people always stick to me. The initiative is solely on their part. As a result, it turns out that I either constantly swear with such people, tk. by nature, my character is quick-tempered, or I ignore and stop communicating. What do I get? Frayed nerves. Only now I can’t get rid of such people, they seem to feed on my energy. One gets the impression that they are trying to defeat me for themselves, I don’t know why they need it? Maybe due to the fact that I am a very stubborn person, it is difficult to argue with me, because. I can give a lot of arguments and it is difficult to convince me, but for them, if possible, it will be a personal victory? As if such people compete with me, they say, I am stronger, I will win. Why do they need it? Are they trying to break me? I understand that I don’t care about such people, I don’t want to compete with them at all. I just want them to leave me alone and stop this stupid competition with insults against me. Why is it so difficult?

Maybe someone has met with such a situation, and will explain to me why some people do this to me and pour a bucket of shit on me? How do you behave in such situations? I am a person who tries to stand out as little as possible from the background of others, I do not like increased attention to myself, but when me or my interests are ridiculed or attempted to offend, I start to get mad. To be honest, I'm tired. I understand that every year interest in people disappears, the desire to communicate too, I almost don’t go to social networks and move away from society further and further. There is some kind of apathy in my soul and all new acquaintances end with the fact that I end them with sharp repulsive remarks. Is it fear or depression? Tired of being upset with people. Maybe the problem is in me and I put myself in an unacceptable way in communication? But I don’t shout that I’m better than someone and in communication I don’t try to poke an opponent into his shortcomings, in a dispute I always say that it’s useless to argue with me and I will remain unconvinced. So why are they doing this to me? Am I not entitled to my point of view? Or do I have to stick with "herd"? Why can't I be myself? Or all the troubles from my quick temper?

I would like to hear someone's opinion on how to cope with his already chronic unsociableness.

People skills are very important. Many areas in your life can depend on how you talk or correspond with your interlocutors. By becoming a pleasant and tactful interlocutor, and having mastered some rules of etiquette, you will be able to win over many people, which can bring you positive results in the future.

What role does the ability to communicate in society play?

The ability to establish contact is an important quality, and no one possesses it from birth. This skill needs to be developed, and if it has not been laid down for you since childhood, this does not mean at all that you cannot acquire it now. People who have learned how to communicate correctly in society are undoubtedly more successful not only in their careers, but also in their personal lives. Often, in our manner of speaking, the interlocutors add up the first impression of us, and we can ensure that it is only positive.

The subtleties of communication

Note that communication can include both verbal and non-verbal elements. That is, when entering into a dialogue with other people, you do not just pronounce a set of phrases, and the attention of the interlocutors is not only focused on them. In addition to the correctness of speech, it is important to monitor the shades of intonation, facial expressions, gestures, and gaze. Surely, you had to watch how a person seems to say reasonable things, but something repels him. It can be just a running glance, sharp hand movements or a “frozen” pose, monotonous-sounding phrases, and the like. All these factors are no less important than the content of your phrases.

How to stop being afraid of public speaking

As you know, some people are afraid to speak in front of the public, and this fear can remain throughout life. However, many feel psychological stress not only when speaking to a large audience, but also simply, if necessary, in contact with a stranger. It can reach discomfort even when communicating with the seller, cashier, etc.

Fear of talking to strangers

First of all, it is worth determining where this fear came from. There may be several reasons. shyness Usually this trait comes from deep childhood, and depends on the temperament of the child. Some children behave openly, and sometimes intrusively, while others are embarrassed to start a dialogue with adults or peers. If parents do not instill communication skills, and let everything take its course, then in the end this trait flows into adulthood. Low self-esteem You are so insecure that you think that if you start a conversation with a stranger, you will look stupid. Perhaps it seems to you that there is nothing to talk about with you, you are unhappy with your voice, unsure of your ability to clearly express your thoughts, and so on. Low self-esteem can be hidden in many small things, leading to general self-doubt. Complexes regarding appearance This subparagraph can be related to the previous one, but the difference is that it is only about appearance. Perhaps it seems to you that if you speak, then others will pay attention to some flaw in your appearance that would hide from them if you did not attract attention to yourself.

Ways to deal with fear

Recognition of the problem Having realized what your problem is, which entailed a fear of communication, it is important to try to solve it. If the reason lies in some defects in appearance, then find a way to fix them. It is also important to understand that your complex can be contrived. Surely, among famous people there are those who have a similar “flaw” - look at how they behave in public and how many fans they have! , you need to pick it up. You can make an appointment with a psychologist, but if you are afraid of communicating with strangers, then this step will probably cause you stress. That is why you should look on the Web for motivational videos with psychological consultations, which are absolutely free. Appearance A lot depends on how you look when communicating with people. You probably noticed that if you are unsure of your appearance, then communication is even more difficult for you - you just don’t want to focus on yourself. Such moments must be avoided. We are talking about the elementary - clothes, accessories, shoes. Choose your wardrobe carefully so that you have no doubts about it. Do not forget not only about stylish and comfortable things, but also about skin care, teeth, hair and nails. If you carefully take care of all of the above, then you will gain confidence in yourself. Communication If you want to overcome your fear, then you need to face the problem face to face. Only by starting to contact other people, you will learn to cope with your psychological barriers. Start small with phone calls. Sharpen your communication skills with loved ones. It is unlikely that you are afraid of talking with relatives or friends - communicate with them more often. As an experiment, to clarify a question, call an old acquaintance who fell out of your field of vision for some period. Subsequently, you can call one of the gyms in the city, for example, by asking the administrator what the cost of a subscription is at their institution and until what time the gym is open. With clarifying questions, you can also call a beauty salon or a yoga studio. It is not necessary to use these services afterwards - you just consult, as many other people do.

Having mastered a little with telephone conversations, try to start a dialogue “live”. If you are afraid of looking stupid when talking to strangers, then choose a way of communication where you will mainly have to listen. You can go to the nearest post office and ask what is the best way to send a parcel to another country (for example, to Canada in the city of Toronto), and how long it will take to go there. Improvise, and gradually you will forget about your fears.

I don’t know what to talk to people about, how to start a dialogue first

It is important to understand that if you start the conversation first, then nothing terrible or unnatural will happen. Unless if another person starts a conversation with you, will you think something bad about him? Probably not. In the same way, other people will not see anything incredible if you contact them, so do not invent problems from scratch. 1. Ask questions The easiest way to start a dialogue is with a question that will be relevant to the situation. If you are at a certain party, you can ask something about the menu - pay attention to what the potential interlocutor drinks or eats, and ask if he is happy with the choice and whether you should order a similar dish or drink for yourself. Of course, you should not be intrusive at the same time, if a person is relaxed and clearly ready for communication, and not concentrated on absorbing his food, then only then it makes sense to ask such questions. You can also be interested in more neutral topics - how to get to a particular area, where in the city there is a good hardware store or bookshop and so on.

If you began to notice that other people are not too keen to maintain a dialogue with you and even avoid communication, then perhaps some reasons contributed to this. Let's consider some of them: 1- Subjective assessment Of course, we all have our own subjective point of view on almost everything. However, if you are a tactful interlocutor, you will not try to impose your opinion on another person, especially if you see that he does not agree with him. It is important to understand that someone else's point of view on certain events is no less valuable than yours. Yes, perhaps the interlocutor is really wrong, but if you want it to be pleasant to communicate with you, then do not try to prove your case at any cost. Gently present your arguments, without irony and irritation, ask what arguments your opponent has. Believe me, if a person is really wrong in some important issue, then soon he himself will understand this. If the issue is insignificant, then it is not worth paying attention to it. 2 - Detachment or talkativeness These are two extremes that are best avoided. In the first case, when a person behaves aloof, immersed in himself, the interlocutor may decide that you are not interested in communicating with him. Of course, there are people who like to speak out incessantly, and at the same time do not notice the mood of others, but most still pay attention to someone else's reaction. Perhaps, due to a particular character or shyness, you try not to express your point of view, giving the interlocutor the right to conduct a dialogue, but gradually such communication can turn into a monologue, and it’s not a fact that the other participant in the conversation likes this state of affairs. In the second case (with excessive talkativeness) it is also difficult to hone proper communication skills. Many of us know such people who like to talk a lot, interrupt and not listen to others. At the same time, they may consider themselves interesting and sociable personalities, but in fact they cause varying degrees of irritation. If mostly tactful interlocutors come across on their way, then they may not even know about their problem. Analyze your conversations with other people - who talks more? In communication, it is important to maintain a balance - talking yourself, asking questions and listening to the answers of the other person. 3 - Stare Are you sure you don't have that habit of staring at other people? Many people feel uncomfortable under such a “microscope”, and they try to wrap up the conversation as quickly as possible. It may seem to you that you are imperceptibly studying someone's shoes, hair, or some part of the body, but, as a rule, this is very noticeable. , most likely, would like not to focus on them. Perhaps it’s not even worth mentioning that exclamations are unacceptable: “Oh, your pimple popped up!”, “Do you know that you have gray hair?”, “Are you getting better?”, “Your blouse is wrinkled,” and so on. such tactless remarks. They can only sound between very close people - a parent and son or daughter or husband and wife, and then if you are sure that this is appropriate. 4 - Questions This subparagraph follows from the previous subparagraph - it will be about the ability to ask questions. Even if you and your interlocutor speak in approximately equal proportions, but at the same time you do not ask any questions to keep the conversation going, then such a conversation can soon become boring. It is important for people to feel an interest in their person. Be interested in the affairs of the interlocutor, his opinion on this or that account. It is important not to cross the line though. If you are not in a very close relationship, do not ask very personal questions - do not be faux pas. If a person is embarrassed about a question or topic of conversation, subtly move the conversation in a different direction, thereby showing yourself to be a flexible and tactful interlocutor.

Perhaps each of us considers himself an absolutely self-sufficient person, not subject to any outside influences. But this is far from true. We are all to some extent dependent on our immediate environment, which has an inevitable influence on the formation of our goals, plans and intentions.

The impact on us of the people around us seems to be a kind of given, which should always be taken into account. We cannot be absolutely independent of others, ignoring their desires and assessments.

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of telling the truth.
Lillian Hellman

Asking questions

From time to time, any person has a desire to conquer certain peaks in the professional, creative or personal sphere. The achievement of success in this case will be influenced by many different factors - this is the degree of motivation, self-discipline, willingness to take responsibility for the decisions made and their implementation, diligence and the ability to overcome difficulties. Of course, here much will depend on the person himself, his ability to coordinate efforts, directing them in the right direction. However, the environment will also play its (even episodic) role, contributing to or, on the contrary, hindering our movement towards the goal.

That is why every person should ask a number of important questions: “Who do I spend most of my time with?”, “How do these people behave towards me?”, “Are they giving me real help or are they just throwing promises?”, “What benefit can I get from interacting with the people around me?” etc.

Analyze it...

After answering these questions, analyze the time that you spend on each specific acquaintance. Is it constructive and useful enough for you? Perhaps you will come to the opposite conclusion.

• Think about how each person in your life affects you.
• What did he recommend you learn and read?
• What places did you recommend visiting?
• How has it affected your own thoughts and moods?
• What made you think about?

Pay special attention to the “control question”: “Are my colleagues, acquaintances and friends helping to move in the direction I have chosen, or, on the contrary, are they trying to undermine my faith in myself and my success?”.

After conducting such a mini-analysis, much will become clear to you. You will be able to determine who is your helper and who, on the contrary, does not play any positive role in your life. Having found among your friends/acquaintances those people who may or are already interfering with your personal growth, get rid of them. To do this, you should not resort to any drastic measures - just change your environment. This is also worth doing because a new (favorable) circle of friends will definitely add inspiration to you, which will push you to new exploits and achievements. You will be surprised how your life will change!

Some acquaintances have a detrimental effect on our self-esteem and life position, undermine faith in our own strength, thereby significantly hindering the development as a person. Refuse any communication with such persons. Do not be afraid to draw a certain boundary between yourself and such people, minimizing or completely nullifying any contacts that are unfavorable to you.

Remember: it is better to have dinner alone than to take part in a conversation that is unpleasant for you and that you maintain purely out of politeness. It is better to refuse a meeting with someone who will only waste your time. It is better to move the conversation to another topic if it strains you and leaves a negative aftertaste. Say a resounding "no!" those people and things you don't want to have anything to do with. Of course, this can make you come across as harsh and perhaps a little cynical, however, it is much more important to be firm now than to regret the wasted time later.

close people

It happens that our relatives (parents, relatives) also make up the wrong environment, from whom we cannot get rid of and delete them from our lives. What to do in this case? Accept them for who they are. In every person you can find a positive side, some qualities that will surely arouse your admiration and in a certain way, as it were, smooth out the negative overall impression of such a person. Remember: people can change, and perhaps if you believe in the people you love and support them, they will actually become better.

What to do?

You can ask a perfectly reasonable question: And with whom, in this case, to communicate?". The answer is extremely simple - with the right people!

Start making acquaintances with those people who pursue goals similar to yours and have a similar life position. Take an example from those who have achieved something in life - let them serve as an additional source of inspiration for you! An updated social circle will help you overcome your usual limited thinking, outdated patterns of behavior, thereby transferring your life to a new, better level.

Note that the right people are not necessarily super-successful, rich and high-ranking individuals. First of all, these are people with a developed inner world, who can enrich our lives in some way, bringing fresh thoughts and ideas into it.

I know that I risk losing my British citizenship when I say that I admire the act of the American Jonathan Dunn, the initiator of the Let's Talk? Do you know how he reacted to the hostile attitude of the Londoners towards his project? I ordered twice as many badges, recruited volunteers and again rushed into battle.

Don't get me wrong: as a British person, the first thing I thought was that those who offer to communicate more with outsiders should be imprisoned without trial. But if you think about it, it's still a strange reaction. In the end, the action does not force unwanted conversations: if you are not ready to communicate, do not wear a badge. In fact, all claims come down to this argument: it is painful for us to watch how other passengers, awkwardly stammering, try to start a dialogue.

But if we are so horrified by the sight of people willingly joining in a normal conversation in public, perhaps they do not have problems?

To reject the idea of ​​communication with strangers is to capitulate to boors

Because the truth, judging by the results of the research of the American communication teacher Keogh Stark, is that we actually become happier when we talk to strangers, even if we are sure in advance that we cannot bear it. This topic can be easily brought to the problem of violation of boundaries, impudent street harassment, but Keo Stark immediately makes it clear that this is not about an aggressive invasion of personal space - she does not approve of such actions.

In her book When Strangers Meet, she says that the best way to deal with unpleasant, annoying forms of interaction between strangers is to encourage and develop a culture of relationships based on sensitivity and empathy. To reject the idea of ​​communication with strangers entirely is more like capitulating to boors. Encounters with strangers (in their proper incarnation, clarifies Keo Stark) turn out to be “beautiful and unexpected stops in the usual, predictable flow of life ... You suddenly have questions that you thought you already knew the answers to.”

In addition to a well-founded fear of being molested, the idea of ​​engaging in such conversations turns us off, probably because it hides two common problems that prevent us from being happy.

We follow a rule even though we don't like it because we think others approve of it.

The first is that we are bad at “affective forecasting”, that is, we are not able to predict what will make us happy, “whether the game is worth the candle”. When researchers asked volunteers to imagine that they were talking to strangers on a train or bus, they were mostly horrified. When asked to do it in real life, they were much more likely to say that they enjoyed the trip.

Another problem is the phenomenon of "pluralistic (multiple) ignorance", due to which we follow some rule, although it does not suit us, because we believe that others approve of it. Meanwhile, the rest think in exactly the same way (in other words, no one believes, but everyone thinks that everyone believes). And it turns out that all the passengers in the car remain silent, although in fact some would not mind talking.

I don't think skeptics will be satisfied with all these arguments. I myself was hardly convinced by them, and therefore my last attempts to communicate with strangers were not very successful. But still think about affective forecasting: research shows that our own forecasts cannot be trusted. So you're pretty sure you'll never wear the Let's Talk? Maybe this is just a sign that it would be worth it.

Starting a conversation with a stranger is like skydiving. It's interesting, but very risky. In addition, sometimes such a conversation can change your life. If you put in the effort despite your fears and concerns, one conversation like this can change your life forever. Read this article and you will learn how to start a conversation with a stranger.

Steps

Part 1

Anxiety management

Practice before you start talking to strangers. Talking to strangers, like any other skill, needs to be developed: the more you practice, the better you get at it. Practice will help you feel and behave more naturally, you won't even think how to start a conversation with strangers. To achieve this, set goals for yourself.

• Do not overdo it! If at first it will be difficult for you to communicate with strangers, do not rush. Start small, like trying to start a conversation with two strangers a week. You can add one conversation every week.
• Force yourself! There is a fine line between pushing yourself and not overdoing it. Don't let fear hold you back. Get out of your comfort zone.

1. Attend events yourself. Do not invite other people with you. Create situations for yourself in which you yourself will be among strangers. In this case, you will not be able to hide behind your friends. If you don’t talk to anyone the first couple of times, don’t worry, it’s not scary! You have already taken an important step, you have attended an event where there are a lot of new people for you! Find out what events will take place in your city. Attend events with people you don't know.

   • Art show
   • Book presentations
   • Concerts
   • Exhibitions in museums
   • open festivals
   • parties
   • Parades / rallies / protests

2. Ask a friend to help you. If you find it difficult to talk to a stranger, ask your friend to help you. With the help of a friend, you will be able to start a conversation with a stranger, and you will feel more comfortable knowing that a loved one is nearby.

   • Don't let your friend take the lead. Let your friend know ahead of time that you want to learn how to talk to people you don't know.

3. Don't think too much. If you worry too much about things going wrong, you are setting yourself up for failure. The more you think about it, the more you will experience. Once you spot someone you can start a conversation with, get down to business. As a result, you experience less stress.

   Be confident. You may be afraid of talking to a stranger, especially when you realize that this conversation can be life-changing for you. If you go to a job interview or want to talk to an attractive man or woman, you may be worried that the interviewee will notice that you are nervous. But believe me, no one knows that you are experiencing excitement! Try to be more confident, even if you feel fear and anxiety.

   • Remember, over time, you don't have to pretend that you are a confident person, you really will be.

4. Don't let the negative reaction affect you. Be prepared for the fact that the reaction of a person may be different. As a shy person, you know perfectly well that sometimes people don't feel like talking at all! If someone doesn't want to talk to you, don't take it personally.

   • Remember, even a negative result is an experience that will come in handy in life. This is a chance to learn and improve.
   • People don't bite. The worst thing that can happen is that someone will say that he is very busy or ask to be left alone. It's not the end of the world!
   • Believe me, no one pays attention to you except yourself. People tend to think only of themselves, so don't worry if someone thinks badly of you.

   Part 2

   Conversation with a stranger

   1. Be open and friendly. If you look sullen, it is unlikely that a person will want to talk to you. Even if you are very worried, try to relax and be friendly. Thanks to this, people in your presence will feel calm. This is a good conversation starter.

      • Maintain eye contact. Instead of fumbling nervously with your phone, look around, paying attention to the people present. Try to make eye contact with someone.
      • Smile when you make eye contact, even if you don't plan to start a conversation. Communication is not always words. In addition, thanks to these techniques, you can arrange a person for a conversation.
      • Learn to control yourself. Our body language can say a lot about us. Don't slouch, keep your head high. If you are a confident person, people will want to connect with you.
      • Do not cross your arms over your chest. As a rule, such a gesture means that you are closed or not interested in the conversation.

   2. Show non-verbally that you want to talk to someone. You are more likely to be seen as strange if you abruptly approach a person and start talking to him. Instead of suddenly starting a conversation with someone, show non-verbally that you want to start a conversation. Make eye contact and smile before starting a conversation.

      Start with a short conversation. Prolonged deep conversation can turn a person away. Start small. Instead of asking a question about the meaning of life, simply express your opinion about some event or ask for a favor:

      • The bar is already closed. It wouldn't hurt to leave a good tip!
      • Terrible traffic today! You don't know what happened?
      • Could you connect my laptop to the network? The outlet is right behind you.
      • Tell me, please, what time is it now?

   3. Introduce yourself. After you have started a conversation, you need to find out the name of the person. The best way to do this is to say your name. Most likely, the person will say his name. If he ignores you, he may be in a very bad mood or ill-mannered. In any case, this is a sign that you should not continue the conversation.

      • After you have started a conversation, you can say "My name is [your name]." You can reach out your hand when you say your name.

   4. Ask open-ended questions. If you ask questions to which a person will give monosyllabic answers, the conversation will quickly come to its logical conclusion. Instead, ask questions that will help keep the conversation going. For example:

      • "How was your day?" instead of "Did you have a good day?"
      • "I see you here often. What motivates you to come here so often? What attracts you?" instead of "Do you come here often?"

   5. Ask the person to explain something to you. We all like to be considered an expert on something. Even if you know a lot about the topic under discussion, listen to what the person has to say. For example, if something happened in your area, you might say, "Oh, I saw the headlines in the newspapers, but I didn't have time to read the material at all. Do you happen to know what happened?" People are more willing to connect when they feel that others can learn something from them.

      Don't be afraid to object. Of course, it is very important to find something in common with a person. However, oddly enough, different views on some issue can be the basis for a good conversation. Show the person that you will not be bored. Lead the discussion and don't be afraid to express your opinion.

      • The discussion should take place in a relaxed manner. If you see the person getting annoyed, it's best to change the subject.
      • Be kind, don't argue.
      • Smile and laugh during conversations to show that you are having a good time and are not nervous.

   6. Choose only safe themes. Although you can choose topics that will be a good basis for discussion, avoid topics that may cause negative emotions in your interlocutor. Discussing topics related to religion or politics can lead to serious disagreements with the interlocutor. However, discussions about topics related to travel or football can be relaxed and fun. Other safe topics might be movies, music, books, or food.

      Let the conversation be free and casual. Of course, you can prepare a list of questions in advance that you can discuss with the person. However, it is unlikely that you will get a casual conversation! Of course, you can set a topic for a conversation, but do not try to build a conversation according to a template. If your interlocutor wants to talk about something else, give in! Ask him to explain things you don't understand and be glad that you have the opportunity to learn something new.