Foreword

This book is a continuation of the conversation started in the book "Receive the strength of your kind." But now we will talk about the symptoms and human diseases. And this conversation is deeper. Because behind the disease there can be events going through many generations and sometimes being a secret in the family. And a collision with a difficult topic for one person will really be an opportunity for reconciliation and healing, and for another - another test.

Illness is something that can turn and change a person's life. She changes his view of his powers, his control, and his future. Illness is something that many seek to avoid by taking preventive measures (rest, dietary supplements, a healthy lifestyle). And in many cases, illness is what leads people to death. The sudden death of a loved one is scary. The death of a child or someone at a young age horrifies all family members.

In this book, I propose to look at the disease from the perspective of what is happening between the patient, his family of origin and the family as a whole. To see the power and strength that comes from the system. And at the same time consider in this strength the possibility of finding a solution through the disease not only for the patient himself, but for the whole family. After all, a chronic or progressive disease is an indication that a person is in an interweaving. Intertwining is a term used to refer to a situation where a person is tied in their family (system) to a place or role held by other members of the system. A problem, symptom, or illness that a person has may indicate similar situations.

What happens when a person faces a problem? What happens when his financial well-being is at stake? What, for example, does a person do when a partner or child exhibits unwanted behavior? The husband drinks, the child does not want to study and skips school. The boss finds fault or is generally a tyrant. If a person is under the influence of interweaving, then he is waiting for changes from the outside. Reason with the husband, make the child behave differently and wait for changes in the behavior of the boss. The person bound by the weave will try to change the behavior of others, where possible, to force them to change. At the same time, such people firmly believe that they can change another and that changes are necessary for the general well-being. What is happening? A partner, parent or child resists their actions, they are not going to change. Sometimes it seems that they do everything out of spite. Passions in the family are heating up every day, people are throwing out feelings at each other. At the same time, everyone forgets that changes in a person are possible only with his own desire, and if they occur, then at a pace acceptable to him. It is the intertwining of partners, parents and children that brings family members together. Family members within their system are forced to face again and again the problems and emotions that they really wanted to get away from.

When working with families where there is an addiction, you can see that it is impossible to cure the addict against his will. Codependent loved ones face powerful resistance. And soon they themselves begin to experience the feelings that their dependent relatives show. Relatives experience the same anger, rage, anger, guilt, despair and become aggressive. They become in their feelings a copy of their dependent loved ones. Relatives eventually feel powerless, as does their drinking addict.

If parents who want to change the wrong, aggressive behavior of the child, bringing them to a therapist or psychologist, are not ready to look at the cause in themselves, then the psychotherapist, if he helps, then for a while. Aggressive, hyperactive behavior in children is a reflection of what drives their parents inside. The child, by his behavior, once again demonstrates his love. He took and is carrying something instead of his parents. And this is his love.

The point of view of psychotherapy, which, for its part, tried to look at the cause of diseases, has long been directed more towards finding a solution for healing a person. Working with different patients, with their symptoms, sometimes it seems that people are more interested in the cause than in the solution and the possibility of a cure. Why are so many people so obsessed with looking for causes and unwilling to put their eyes on the solution? Are they willing to look for a solution? Do you, the reader, expect changes from life? Are you in a waiting state? Are you ready? Or are your statements and dreams an illusion?

Therefore, for some, this book will point more to the causes, and possible solutions may remain behind the scenes. And for others, on the contrary, it is a pointer to the search for their own solution. And the position depends not only on the person himself, but also on what comes from his family system. There is a beautiful metaphor about a lock and a key: “Complaints with which patients come to the therapist are like a lock on the door behind which the “good life” awaits them. The clients have already used their best... but the door is still closed; therefore, clients get the impression that they are in a situation, the solution of which is beyond their capabilities ... Clients are trying to figure out the design of the lock, why it does not open not with a door lock...

Therefore, in this book, I wish everyone to find their own answers, reasons and solutions - the choice is always yours!

Chapter 1
ORIGINS OF DISEASE

Connection of body, mind and soul

The inseparability of the interaction of the body, mind and soul is devoted to many books. A lot of literature is also devoted to the connection of the disease with the way of life, with the way of thinking of a person, with his actions. Body, mind and soul are inextricably linked with each other. They are equally important and necessary for the life of any person. But who is wiser? Our mind? Hardly… The body? Perhaps, because it carries a lot in itself and could tell us a lot if we could listen to it ... Soul? Yes, she is wise, but her wisdom is hidden from us... Everything is in her - our life, our love and our pain... Are we free in our choice, as the mind argues? No ... The soul knows everything, and it is she who leads us. What about the body? It often reflects what the soul wants to convey to us - this is the innermost and personal that each of us brings into this world ... They are together - body, mind and soul - side by side and together all our lives. All our lives they serve us, and we listen and feel them. It is in them - in the body, mind and soul - that the answers to many questions are found. It is the soul that is the keeper of secrets, mysteries and ups and downs in our destiny. It is she who has the answers to questions about why we get sick and why we have this particular disease.

Is it possible in our life to approach the wisdom of the soul? Know her? Yes, but often a person comes to his soul only through illness and suffering. Illnesses can make us wiser, sometimes kinder… Illnesses can help us become humbler, more compassionate… Illnesses can cleanse something in us, lead us somewhere… But through us, the disease leads our entire family system, our ancestors and descendants…

We are unaware of many things. We are not aware of the movements of our soul. We are not aware of the symptoms of our body. Is it possible to come to an inner agreement with what moves our soul? Yes, but it means abandoning many of the old notions and beliefs. The human mind has created a huge number of ways and methods of treatment and prevention of many diseases. And for that, he must be given credit. But many opportunities and discoveries for healing are yet to come. And part of these possibilities is hidden in the psyche of every person, and part of the discoveries will belong to psychotherapy. But how will a person use it in his life? How long will it take each person, each family, to take advantage of this knowledge?

And how long will it take in each family system for new knowledge to be accepted and used for healing? This is unknown. Maybe in the generation of parents or grandparents this information will reach its destination, or maybe, on the contrary, none of the generations living today and those who came after them will receive the healing powers of the soul.

The disease originates in a person. If the disease begins to manifest itself with any symptoms, then often a person and his relatives begin to look for a cause or some explanation for this process. For example, they regard illness as a punishment for something, in every way they look for a relationship with something. But these are too simple, sometimes naive explanations. Our life is filled with a large number of relationships with our family, with our family. What are the relationships of a person? What mechanisms support this symptom or this disease? Any disease is the state in which the human body can currently be in this life. The disease is necessary and serves something through this person. Serves through his body, mind and soul to his system.

Man and his connection with the family

Who is really a person? Each person is not only body, mind and soul. He is related to his family. Each person is his father and mother, grandfathers and grandmothers, great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers. It contains several generations at the same time. All ancestors are present in a person at once. Our soul is not limited to our body. It covers our entire family, our entire family. She governs our family, our clan. Important life processes are taking place in our family, our family continues to live in us and the soul knows everything! Everyone who had some special meaning in our life and the life of our ancestors is in the field of our tribal soul. Who are the people who are of particular importance? Maybe it's the grandfather who died in the war? Or maybe a child given up for adoption? Or maybe an uncle who died in an accident, or an aunt who died of a serious illness at a young age? Maybe this is the first grandmother's husband who did not return from the war? And all of them are connected with our family and with us. Thus, through our soul there is an interaction with many people, with the world as a whole.

The book often uses the concept of the family system. The family system is not only the members of our family, but also everyone who belongs to our family. These are our children, present and former partners, parents, grandparents, our brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters of our parents, their former partners. These are deceased brothers and sisters and, possibly, family members whose fate was forgotten in the family. These are the victims and aggressors who belong to our family system, as well as those people, thanks to whom, perhaps, one of the members of our family system has survived. The family system covers not only our family, it covers several generations, and sometimes practical work shows a person’s connection with events that take place 4–5 or 7–8 generations ago.

Much of what happened in the life of past generations affects a person at the same time. Injuries are repeated, relationships are disrupted, emotions run high, illnesses afflict the body, just like many years ago. What is the structure of a real family? These are the possibilities and interweaving of several generations at the same time. We are not alone, we are connected with many ancestors at the same time. To know oneself in simultaneous connection with many generations is not a process of one day or a month. When does a person begin to look towards the genus? What pushes him to search for his relationships with his family? Often it is not just dissatisfaction. This is sometimes some kind of point in one's own destiny, this is suffering, no matter for what reason. And it is precisely this kind of suffering that causes one's own illness or the illness of a loved one. And then the knowledge of oneself in relationships with one's kind becomes a priority.

Many illnesses are due to our connection with our family, our family. Behind this connection is our love for our family, our family, for what we belong to. Illness is a condition of the body, mind and soul of a person. Illness is a state of the family system of a person and his whole family as a whole. This is an unconscious process that goes on inside us for a long time. Violation of the orders of the soul leads to the appearance of many diseases. When ill himself or when faced with a serious illness of one of the family members, a person faces questions about the causes of what is happening, about finding a way out of this situation, about the finiteness of life. What is hidden from us and unknown to us - family secrets, closed topics - through decades and even centuries, contribute to the emergence of diseases in the family system. These are the topics that have not found reconciliation in our family and are now looking for them through us. Severe fates, such as early death as a result of murder, suicide or accident, through decades and even centuries, influence the occurrence of diseases in the family system.

There are a lot of ways of bodily manifestation of internal processes occurring within the human family system. From mild ailments to severe mental and physical illnesses leading to death.

Causes of diseases

Does modern medicine know the causes of diseases? With regard to many diseases, no doubt, no, he does not know. For example, the causes of severe mental illness, as well as the causes of cancer, addictions are also in question. Why do they arise? Why do brothers and sisters who have common parents have different fates and different diseases? Is it possible to somehow influence the appearance or development of diseases? When will science receive comprehensive answers to such questions? What is not recognized, cannot be controlled, instills fear in people, which means that many begin to search in esoteric, bioenergetic or other knowledge filled with magic or superstition. Illness is an unconscious desire of a person to carry something instead of someone in his family. Drug treatment, causing a positive effect, does not affect the cause of the disease. Therefore, relapses or some other symptomatology often occur.

Examples from my practice are very indicative, when people turned to me about some kind of illness precisely after repeated recurrence of the disease. I will give examples of working with similar situations, various symptoms and diseases below. Here I will give one of them, especially clearly, in my opinion, showing how the cause, continuing to remain within the family system, contributes to the appearance of a completely different symptomatology. The mother of a young woman, who in her childhood (7 years old) had a serious illness - chronic leukemia (oncological blood disease), turned to the reception. During the treatment, the daughter was in critical condition twice, but the therapy gave its results, and the disease receded. However, at the age of 22, her daughter's behavior began to change, she behaved strangely. Her behavior was sometimes restless, then, on the contrary, she could lie in bed for hours and not get up. Often made some obsessive movements, conflicted with loved ones. They went to see a psychiatrist, treatment was prescribed, which did not work. On the recommendation of friends, my mother brought her daughter to me. When a psychotherapy session was held, the reason for the daughter's internal state turned out to be in her deep relationships with the parental family and the clan as a whole. First, it was necessary to do the work of reconciling the victim and the murderer three generations ago. A week later, the mother reported that her daughter's condition began to improve. The daughter continued her studies, she no longer wanted to come to the reception. The mother said that there was still a conflict between her and her daughter, the mother does not understand her daughter, her behavior and wants to bring her to the reception again, but the daughter refuses. In my opinion, in the relationship between mother and daughter there are many internal unconscious relationships that still need to be resolved. I invited my mother to come to the appointment herself, but she believes that the reason is in her daughter, apparently, that is why she has not yet come. In my opinion, the daughter’s severe illness in childhood and her mental state are connected with the theme of the victim and the killer in the family system, but, in addition, in relationships: there is a connection with the mother that aggravates the mental state of the daughter and their relationship. The daughter, by her behavior and condition, does something for her mother. Until this is resolved, the relationship will remain the same. But by the behavior of the mother, one can say that there is still no sufficient readiness in their family system (more on this below). Need time.

Often no one pays attention to the mental state of a person suffering from a somatic disease. For example, what kind of psychological trauma has a person suffered in his life, what kind of relationship does he have with loved ones? What is his place in his family? What does he bring from his family? What for? After all, medicine is accustomed to considering not only the person himself separately from his family, but also any organ separately from his entire body. So how can a doctor think about the past traumatic experience and even more so the adopted one? Physicians only deal with the area of ​​the body they are responsible for. Psychosomatic symptoms, as well as manifestations such as fear, anxiety, irritation, are often overlooked. And those who see a psychiatrist receive medication that provides temporary relief, and then again after a while feel the same symptoms.

What is health? From the point of view of most people, this is a good feeling of being in the outer life. This is a good mood, activity, cheerfulness, physical and mental usefulness. In this book, I will touch on many issues that do not seem to be related to physical health. For example, incomprehensible aggressive behavior of a child, special states of the human psyche. Are people mentally healthy who commit deliberate violence against other people, murderers, maniacs, rapists? Society condemns violence, the actions of criminals. After all, they often find excuses for themselves, and some do not find anything wrong or unfair in what they have done.

Family system. Ancestral soul

We are all one, we are all one
Father, mother in children are repeatable.
We are the same and not the same!
And we are all a whole - it cannot be otherwise!
We are connected to birth by love,
Invisible connection and invisible pain
We are together, so we are richer
When everyone has their own task.

Every person has a body, mind and soul. All this is in every family. Every family is born and dies. All family members are in close interaction with each other. The state of health, mentality, emotional mood of one family member inevitably affects everyone. Each family is a family system that exists according to its own laws. Several families united with each other by common ancestors represent a genus. The family system is the ordained structure of the family. The family system includes parents and their children, children of children, parents of parents, their uncles and aunts. These are also those children who died early or were given up for adoption. The family system also includes their victims and their killers. The relationship of the disease with the processes occurring in the family system can span several generations of ancestors. It is in it that the causes of disease and health, death at a young age and longevity. The strongest and most durable connection is the connection within the family system, that is, between members of the same family. Even if people live far apart and do not communicate for any reason, the bond between members of the same family is very strong. Unresolved conflicts, tasks of previous generations are inherited by descendants.

Everything basic and important originates in the family. Problems, conflicts, pain, addiction, illness originate in the family. Love, kindness, understanding, respect also originate in the family. We inherit not only the color of hair, eyes, gait, gestures. We inherit the beliefs, values, attitudes, and contradictions that reign in our family system. We are loyal to our family, to our clan, which means that we have the right to belong to our family only if we are like our ancestors. Belonging is everything, without realizing it, the child is afraid of losing it. And this means unconsciously repeating in the family model not only the rules and principles of behavior, but also carrying contradictions and conflicts within oneself. Carry what causes disease in the body and psyche of a person.

In the ancestral soul (or in the ancestral field), the past, present and future are currently located. It contains ancestors from many generations, it contains their destinies, their pain and their joy at the same time. In the ancestral soul to which we belong, along with us, there are our living loved ones and the dead, as well as those about whom we know nothing. We are all united by belonging to our family. In our lives, we are governed by many relationships with our family that we are not aware of. A generic field contains a problem, a task, resources, and a solution.

The connection to the family system is not just a genetic connection. After all, the causes of many diseases are explained by genetic conditioning. But in many diseases, the influence of heredity is very doubtful. The genetic cause of diseases does not explain one important factor. Genetic markers, of course, in a particular disease are found in several generations. But genes don't work all the time. They are able to turn on and off. What activates the gene that triggers the disease process in the human body? What is behind gene regulation, what does it depend on?

Our mental state depends on how we perceive events from our lives, how we react in many life situations. It also depends on the received and unprocessed psychotraumas, memories. Where does such a perception of reality come from? From his family system. It is the gender field at the birth of a person that determines what he will take from his ancestors. And also what task he will perform, what spiritual experiences will excite him, which gene will be turned on, activated, and what disease a person will face.

How is information transmitted? At the energy level of the generic field. At the levels of the soul and the unconscious.

This is a bank in which everything is recorded, it is a repository of many family conflicts, secrets, destinies. Even if the descendants don't have any memories, the information is there.

The family system has two kinds of members. Some support and preserve its structure, contribute to its survival, while others, through their illness, addiction or some actions, problematic behavior, undermine it, bringing confusion, chaos and pain into it. The first are trying to control the second, to reason with them, to set them on the right path, to cure, to save. But the latter often continue to cause suffering in the former. They show that their control is an illusion, it is useless. The second are those who are associated with something difficult in the family. The second are those who unconsciously, through their connection with the clan, point to the path of reconciliation in the family system. Reconciliation, which should come not only in their souls, but also in the souls of their entire family members. But will they be the first to hear? More often not. And then the same problems are repeated in subsequent generations. And themes and secrets seek reconciliation. The latter often bear their cross, and their destinies have their own dignity, because their life is the compensation that the family system requires, for what is excluded. Those who are ill or addicted actually push the whole system to find new solutions, to accept the excluded into the system, contributing to the growth and development of the whole system.

A collision with a serious illness is always a traumatic situation. A person's life will never be the same again, some changes are taking place inside him, whether he realizes it or not. In his behavior, feelings, views, something is changing. Sometimes the changes are so great that a kind of insight, a discovery, seems to come to a person. Then the type of his activity, his partnership relations can change, creative abilities open up. There is a sharp turn in the direction of activity in life. In situations related to recovery, with the onset of remission, it is very important to thank God, the higher powers (who believe in what) for recovery and bow before the disease. Indeed, even when it seems to us that the changes are not so great and desirable, or it is better that they do not exist at all, like the disease itself, nevertheless, it is possible that it was the disease that turned a person’s life in the opposite direction from death.

An illness or symptom is an attempt by the body or psyche to cope with what is difficult that comes from the family system. An illness or symptom always leads to personal or systemic trauma. Any disease or system has a hidden meaning that must not be understood, but felt. Where does it lead the person? What is the real disease or symptom? Addiction, oncology, autoimmune diseases, mental illness are all compensation, protection, a way to survive in the present with what affects a person from his system, from his family.

What family field influences the occurrence of diseases? First, it is a kind of predestination. This is what people usually call fate. But fate does not mean evil inevitable fate. No, this is what a person takes from his kind. This is the purpose and task. This is what we took from dad and mom, grandparents, great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers. We took and carry, regardless of what they were. Many events influence our destiny. The excluded are those who have been treated unfairly. These are the forgotten, the victims, the murderers, the rapists, the dead - everyone who lived or lives in the present becomes our destiny. Everything that happened in the family matters to us, even if we are not aware of many events. Our life is a kind of pattern woven by the fate of our ancestors. And any fate of a person and his ancestors has the right to respect. But is there any respect in us? No. As long as we keep complaining about parents, or partner, or children. While we are angry, offended and complaining, we lack respect. We do not respect their fate and our own fate too. Can someone who complains change something or get help? No.

Orders of the soul

Illness points to a task
Where my love flows
Perhaps it means something?
Perhaps the path of love is different?
Illness, solution, healing,
Blessings for the whole family!
Return with love that is excluded
But it's not for everyone!

Based on the orders of the soul described by Bert Hellinger, one can trace the principles of the origin of diseases in the human family system.

First basic order states that everyone in the system, living or dead, has an equal right to belong. If one member of the system is denied the right to belong—for example, because of the moral judgment "he is a scoundrel" or "he is a drunkard" or "he has a illegitimate child"—the consequences of being denied the right to belong are the same, regardless of whether what exactly is blamed on such a family member.

Second major order states that if any of the family members is denied equal ownership with others, then order will be restored by replacing such a family member. The substitution occurs, as a rule, in this way: the junior replaces the senior (the one who was excluded) in order to compensate. The younger one suffers just like the older one, and becomes just like him. So the system has to face the struggle of good and evil again.

So, the two main orders of the soul are the equal right to belong and the compensation for the denial of belonging.

Third major order requires that those who came earlier in the system have an advantage over those who came later. The family conscience and family soul see to it that the superiority of the elders is respected, otherwise the younger ones are sacrificed in order to compensate. If the advantage of the seniors is not violated, then the juniors are exempted from repetitions.

Orders of the soul have an impact on a person's life, on his destiny. The orders of the soul act on the human body. And the orders of the soul are also behind the emergence of diseases. The orders of the soul are important for the restoration of health not only of the body, but also of the spirit and soul.

In many sections of the book, I will speak and give examples of how the violation of the orders of the soul affects human health. They lead the patient to reconciliation, and sometimes this reconciliation comes, then the life of a person becomes different.

Who are the excluded? When someone is excluded in a family, he is lost to the family system. The one who died is lost to the family system. And those who are lost must be replaced by someone. Despite their physical absence in the system, communication with them has not been terminated. The dead are still part of the family system. And the excluded also remain part of the system.

Why do we exclude? For example, we are forced to part with a person if he dies. But dead does not mean excluded. We are forced to exclude someone if he was a threat to our well-being or to our lives. We exclude those whose behavior harms us, our ideas and beliefs about what is good, right and safe.

The excluded are those who have been denied the right to belong, who have been condemned, who have not been associated. In the eyes of other family members, they became bad, unworthy.

Who are these excluded? Perhaps this is one of the ancestors who lived several generations ago. Perhaps this is a father or mother who died early. Perhaps these are the parents who gave the child up for adoption. Perhaps this is an alcoholic grandfather. Perhaps someone else who has been forgotten, and we do not even know about his existence. But all these excluded are invisibly in the ancestral field, influencing the fate of a person. And the tribal field, subject to its own laws, requires the restoration of their belonging, their hierarchy. Everyone must be in their place, no one can be crossed out. Illness, addiction, behavior, difficulties make the whole family look at the excluded, connecting what was once separated by someone. It's coming out of the system, maybe a few past human generations, and it's not going to be changed just by will.

What happens in the family system if someone dies prematurely? The early death of one of the family members creates a feeling of longing for an irreparable loss, a desire to reunite with the deceased, as if to return him. And someone from the system, often from the younger generation, takes on this burden - reunion with the deceased. But how can you connect with him? Only by dying. Thus, children through their illnesses, accidents or suicides can take on the pain, the desire to connect with the deceased. A child, even as an adult, may not be aware of his desire for death, because it is unconscious. But nevertheless he feels his longing for death. When this desire is realized at a psychotherapist's appointment, one can see and even feel how a person sighs with relief when he sees the burden that he has carried all his life. It is the unbreakable bond with one's family, the deep love of the inner child that triggers the self-destructive mechanism. Sometimes if a brother or sister dies in the system, then the living feel guilty for continuing to live. And then they tend to go after the dead, because they perceive life as something undeserved.

The father first came to the reception to ask if something could be done for his daughter, who, despite her young age, suffers from hypertension. Recently, the disease began to progress, the treatment gives a short-term effect. Daughter Linda agreed to come to see a therapist. During therapy, it became clear that the daughter wanted to die instead of her father, who, in turn, wanted to die instead of her mother, who unconsciously wanted to leave after her youngest son, who died in a car accident at the age of 20. With her illness, the daughter, instead of her father, strove to die, she said inside: "I'd rather die than you." The grandmother (father's mother) had already died several years ago, but her son's desire to leave instead of his mother continued to be present. And the daughter did it for her father. This was the direction of her love. Work in this situation was carried out with both the father and the daughter, the pressure began to decrease immediately the next day. At present, the daughter feels well, does not take drugs for hypertension, and has begun to earn more. In addition, at the end of the consultations, the daughter said that all her life she had tried to limit herself in some way: to buy things cheaper, to have a more modest vacation, although she always made good money. And recently, at work, she was repeatedly hinted that she should have raised prices for her services for a long time, but she kept shrugging it off: they say, that’s enough for me. When I asked who else has such a limitation of himself in the family. She laughed and said that dad, in this they are similar, always knew how to get by with little, but now she feels that she can afford a lot more.

Many people suffering from various diseases, especially severe ones, want to get rid of the disease. A perfectly understandable human desire. And then they direct all their efforts to fight the disease. They say so: "I can defeat (or overcome) the disease." But the disease remains in the body, in the field of a person and his family system for the rest of his life, it is in his field, in the field of his system. Anyone who seeks to forget the disease excludes it, and also excludes the family theme that is behind the disease and requires reconciliation. And the excluded tends to return to the system. Those who have had a serious illness know that the diagnosis of chronic illness, cancer or addiction is never completely removed. If there are no long-term manifestations of the disease, then this indicates that a remission has come, but how long it will last is always in question. Will the remission last for the rest of your life, or will the disease soon remind you of itself?

Illness plays a big role in the family system. She plays a role. Illness is compensation. Therefore, before setting a goal to get rid of a symptom or disease, it is necessary to understand and accept what is behind it. The resolution of the situation is possible if a healing solution is found, otherwise the person will face strong resistance coming from the system.

The disease is not in the power of man, although it is difficult for us to agree with this. It is connected with the force that guides us through life. It is connected with the orders of the soul. Often, the disease turns the whole system of values, views, beliefs of a person, turns his whole life upside down. But sometimes a person stubbornly refuses to look at the disease and where it leads him. And it's not just a rejection. A person's unconscious and deep connection leads him to death, and there is no readiness for healing in him, in his system. A serious illness always hides an unconscious desire of a person to die, that is, to die. Sometimes it happens that a disease that could lead to death stops in its development, remission occurs. But the disease has already changed something in the person himself. Illness is compensation in the family system. Illness is the system's way of coping with what needs to be addressed.

Illness is an excluded person. Forgotten, excluded, intentionally or unintentionally, some event is connected with this person, something difficult, unpleasant in his fate. An event so great, destructive or terrible that it is hard to talk about it. In order to protect descendants from a collision with something difficult, the tragic event that has taken place is hidden. More often they do not remember about it, they try to forget it. But along with a bad deed, the person who committed it is also excluded. But here is the paradox: having no information, the descendants experience all the feelings, sensations that were once repressed by their ancestors. Descendants, who often do not have information about what happened, compensate with their lives and fate for what is excluded. A forgotten or hidden topic continues to live in their soul, psyche and in their body.

If a person is sick, then he is separated from what is excluded. Separated from what is excluded in his system. He is thus separated from something in his body. Some organ or whole system comes into agreement with what is excluded. A diseased organ or system in accordance with what is excluded in the system. A diseased organ or system is in agreement with the ancestral soul, with the orders of the soul, with what is excluded, but it indicates what a person does not want to look at and does not want to agree with.

A disease of the body or mind is the result of processes occurring in the family system and spanning several generations. Severe diseases of the psyche or body are always the result of intricacies within the genus. Can a person get out of this connection? Does he have, in addition to the connection, an inner unconscious readiness to get out of the captivity of the tribal connection that burdens his life?

Vyacheslav came to the reception with his father, their goal was to undergo a course of psychotherapy for Vyacheslav's alcohol addiction. When I talked with my father, he spoke about his feelings about his son's problems, about his readiness to help him in everything. When I started working with Vyacheslav, it turned out that he was doing something for his father with his illness. The work progressed in small steps. As soon as Vyacheslav was freed from the heavy burden that he carried instead of his father, and he felt better, his father's blood pressure increased. And Vyacheslav again returned to his former relationship, his father felt better. The whole process proceeded unconsciously and was more understandable to me. There was only one thing left - to invite the father to a therapy session. Vyacheslav and his sister agreed to convey my request to my father, but he refused to come, and Vyacheslav's psychotherapy course had to be interrupted. This was his love - to carry something instead of a father, there was no readiness for changes in the system. Although unconsciously, but relatives agreed with such a price.

A person who is sick is unconsciously separated from something in his family system, he is separated from a diseased organ or whole system in his body. A diseased organ or a whole system is connected with someone excluded from the sick person's family system. Who is it? One who is not worthy by the standards of family values ​​of the family because of his actions to belong to their system. And then it manifests itself as a disease in the body of someone from the younger generation. The disease connects the sick descendant with the rejected ancestor, with a difficult topic. What happens in the family? Who should be taken back? What repressed ancestral experience requires consent?

condemnation

How easily we condemn
How do we turn away from the bad.
But, rejecting, we again
We're all back again!
We do not look at the heavy -
It will burst into life!
And remember the judgments
And then we will understand - accept, humble yourself!

Everything that is condemned by a person originates in the condemnation in his family. All topics that are rejected in the family can be counted on the fingers. Each family has its own set. What we condemn is the exception.

What are we really condemning? We condemn what we disagree with. We judge when we see others as guilty and ourselves as right. What we condemn, we deny, we do not want to see. We condemn what the ancestors did not accept in our system, what they did not want to see and rejected. These are some actions, some person. Some judgments in the family are forbidden, some actions are condemned, something is denied, repressed. These are the exceptions.

What happens to what is excluded? The exception requires repetition in the system, in the younger generation. Those who condemn often repress some of their desires. Thus, they forbid themselves something that once took place in their family system, in their family, but was condemned.

What is the conclusion? Accept the fact that much that we deny has the right to be. Because what we deny will certainly burst into our lives. What is condemned, we will have to face in our lives or our children. Behind what is condemned, there are people. And this is one of our ancestors. These are members of our family or our clan. We actually condemn them.

Many examples can be given of how people, when they condemn something, do not suspect that it has something to do with their family system. What is condemned? Often these are the same difficult topics. But each family system has its own set of condemned topics. For example, for some, the absence of a husband from a woman or the birth of a child out of wedlock is a shame, for others it is quite acceptable. Or a child abandoned by a mother – often this act is condemned by women. Often condemned topics find both supporters and opponents in their environment. Situations familiar from life: women, walking with children, often discuss something, on some topics they come to an agreement, but on some they don’t. It is worth learning to track your reactions to a particular message, statement, condemnation, as several topics emerge that particularly affect us and cause our condemnation. Here is what is hidden in our family system and, perhaps, is a secret.

What prevents a person from accepting what he condemns? If we accept what is condemned into our heart, then we accept the ancestor who was excluded. But here is the main obstacle: when we accept what is condemned, we question family values, we destroy some kind of family taboo. We immediately feel discomfort, as we feel the loss of connection with our family, namely with our parents. From this arises internal discomfort, only overcoming which you can complete the acceptance.

What happens if the excluded is accepted? Each excluded person acquires his place in the system, finds a place in our heart, makes us kinder, more humane, we grow. Wars subside in relations, the question of who is right and who is to blame becomes removed. The war is over. Partners become able to understand and feel each other more deeply.

If what was condemned and those who were rejected are accepted by posterity, then we will feel differently. In the body, in thoughts, in life, new sensations will appear. Internal acceptance cannot but affect a person's life, his feelings, sensations in the body.

If a person constantly complains, is sad, looks for the guilty, considers himself right, then this is exactly what he wants! Only this - to complain and look for someone to blame! He really doesn't want anything else than to have others agree that he is right and perfect! He doesn't want another life! If a person doesn’t do anything, doesn’t change, clings tightly to his attitudes, then this is the kind of life he wants! If, for example, a person says that he dreams of another life, other relationships and many other things, but he himself refuses to act or to consider his views from a different point of view, then his aspirations, desires are an illusion. They are eternal dreamers. These people don't want change. They want to dream, complain or suffer. For them, other actions are not available, they are afraid of them. And these are limitations coming from the family system.

From practice, I can say that among women there are often eternal dreamers. Natalia came to the consultation to resolve the issue that she and her husband do not understand each other. Gradually they began to move away from each other. She spoke about her claims, what irritated her about him, how he did not understand her. While she was talking, from my observations, I realized that this woman does not want much zeal or change. When we started working and I showed her what changes are possible, what steps we have to take, and suggested that she think about whether she really wants changes, Natalya was silent for a long time, and then said that she needed to think it over again. When I asked what was stopping her, she replied that she felt some strange anxiety. This made her seriously wonder if she really wants change, because in such a family situation there is something comfortable for her.

How does an exception occur in the family system? For all exceptions, there are some strict family rules and orders. And this rule, because of loyalty to his family, a person cannot break. Then, by this rule, he must exclude those whom this rule (or whose behavior) requires to be excluded. Difficult, sometimes tragic events occur in families. In order to avoid these events, they, firstly, hide, so secrets appear. An event so severe, out of hand, that for the sake of survival it is better to exclude and forget it. And secondly, there are rules of conduct that exclude the manifestation and repetition of such bad behavior. It is always necessary to show respect and caution when working. What was this difficult event? Sudden? Super strong? How great was the helplessness of a person or an ancestor before this event? On the one hand, a person should be prepared for the fact that some topics related to a severe psychotraumatic situation experienced by an ancestor will come up. But until the end, no one is ready for this. It is not ready for those feelings that can suddenly open up and flood. Therefore, one rule should always be used - the more severe the injury was, the slower the work should be done. An immediate solution is not possible. It takes time to resolve the situation. This should be remembered by the person himself, seeking help from a psychotherapist.

Each person is neither good nor bad, he is not on his own. Inside him contains everything that is in his family system - good and bad. If someone is not entirely good from a human point of view, then their system is not entirely good either. The system is not quite good, which means that it has exceptions. If the children or parents are not quite good, then they are connected with someone. With someone who was once rejected or condemned. If someone is sick, it means that his whole family system is sick. The disease of the whole system manifests itself on the physical level in this way and in this particular member of the family system. The sickness of the system is the excluded. If someone is addicted to alcohol, drugs, games, etc., then his whole system is sick.

The heaviest is not always somewhere in the third or fifth generation of ancestors. The hard can be very close, for example, in the denial of one's parents. After all, everything that we condemn in our parents, we repeat in our lives. Bert Hellinger wrote: "What we condemn in the mother, we become." This also applies to the father.

What is good and evil? Good is what we accept, what we agree with.

Kindness is something that is accepted by our family, it is perhaps an act that will be approved. Evil is what we reject, what we disagree with, what we want to exclude. Evil is something that is rejected, excluded in our family, it is something that is feared. But evil is also people who are not like us, others in their actions and views. Evil is people from our family or tribal system. Evil is not only outside, somewhere near the neighbors or far away in another country, it is also in our family system. Because evil is what is rejected by us.

In psychotherapy, such protective mechanisms of the human psyche as displacement and projection have long been known. What is an offset? This can be seen all the time, not only in someone else's life, but also in one's own life. For example, we condemn something, reject something in the people around us or our loved ones. What is happening to us? If we listen to ourselves, then we begin to feel in ourselves what we rejected in others. But our behavior is directed at someone else, that is, at a different object. This is what displacement is. What we deny, refuse to accept in ourselves, we fight outside in another person. And our children show in life what their parents condemn and do not accept in their lives.

Any conflict is doomed to fail. In any conflict there are no winners and losers, right and wrong. Any of the conflicting parties are blindfolded, they are blind. After all, conflict is another way to refuse to face reality. Conflict is a way to deny reality and continue to be in illusion. But the struggle in the outside world does not really lead to anything, since the solution is always inside the person. Orders of the soul make a person look and feel the reality as it is. How much time and how many generations is needed to look at reality, at the past and see them as they are? Each family system has its own term. And conflicts outside will never find a suitable solution, because the solution is always inside. Inside the family soul, the ancestral soul and the universal soul. The answers are there.

Every person is exactly the way they are. And the man is exactly what he should be. Sometimes it seems to us that someone should be different, act differently. But it's not. A person is not alone, he is part of the family system. He is what he is, because something happened in his family that has an impact on the rest of his life. We are what we are, because something happened in our family and our family that affects our whole life. We think, we act this way and not otherwise, since we are part of our family system and kind of. These are different events, and each has its own family history and family secrets. What influences from our kind on us, on our thoughts, actions, on our destiny? These are different events. Each has its own family history. It could be someone's early death. Or someone's hard deed, but contributed to the survival of the whole family. Or it could be a child given up for adoption. Or it could be someone's suicide. Or the birth of an illegitimate child. It can be a loss or a win. Rise or fall. Crime or feat. These are the events that turned the life of the whole family, and sometimes several generations at once.

These are significant events for the family that are happening now or that happened in the parental family or many generations ago. These are turning, key events, after which life in the system cannot proceed as before.

Bert Hellinger wrote: “Everything we reject takes possession of us. Everything we love makes us free."

Love of the inner child

Father's pain is unbearable
And mother's loss
And I'm ready for myself
Take all pay!
There is no one more beloved and dear,
Ready for everything for them
And may I sacrifice my fate -
I make their life easier again!

Inside every person is the love of a child. When I use the phrase “love of a child” here and in other sections of the book, it will be primarily about children's pure and bright attachment to their parents. From birth, a child is attached to his family, its values, foundations, and orders. This devotion, the feeling of belonging to a family for a child is love. For the sake of his loved ones, the little creature is ready for anything. The child is ready to pay with his health, well-being, happiness and even life. For the sake of belonging to the family, the child is ready to make sacrifices. Such love sometimes tries by self-sacrifice to protect a loved one from troubles, illnesses, failures, death.

There is an idea in the inner child that he can solve a lot with his love. If someone gets sick, then I will get sick, so that the patient can feel better. If someone wants to leave, then I will leave so that the other stays alive. But, following such an internal impulse, the inner child does not solve the problems of his system, even sacrificing his life.

Above, I gave an example with Vyacheslav. In his case, in the dynamics of alcohol dependence, there was an unconscious desire to die instead of his father. And he could not get out of this dynamic. And this is his inner childhood affection, in his life there is no place for adult love for parents yet. Does such a sacrifice of his authorize something for his father? Does she make his life easier? Unlikely. The son is trying to resolve something for his father, but his price is his own life. Does a father really need such help from his son? At this price? Unfortunately, what children strive to give their parents, in fact, parents do not need.

How does the love of the inner child contribute to the emergence of diseases? In the following sections, I will go into more detail about this. Here I will briefly dwell on the main directions of the love of the inner child, leading to the emergence of severe, chronic diseases and persistent symptoms. Speech throughout the book is about unconscious processes within a person. But sometimes a person himself can feel such processes within himself, but cannot understand what is happening to him, cannot find an explanation for his feelings.

1. If in the family system there are family members who died early, close to the child, then the child may have a desire to leave after one of the deceased. Often this is observed in the case of early death of the mother or father, brother or sister, or twin. Then the child internally says: "I will follow you." It is his connection with the dead that leads him to death. It is not a dead person that draws him to him, it is a living one in longing for the deceased, wants to share his fate, to follow him. And already in an adult there is this desire, although he is not aware of it. And this death can occur as a result of an accident, suicide or illness.

Such dynamics is most often observed if one of the parents died early in the child or when a child dies in the family.

But this is not always the case. All these inner aspirations to follow the deceased person out of the family system are unconscious. Therefore, learning about them, people, on the one hand, are surprised, but more often agree that inside themselves, somewhere deep, they feel precisely this desire.

Sergey asked about pains in the region of the heart that were bothering him. He was 30 years old, but his health was already failing. During the conversation, it turned out that he had a lot of diseases: enterocolitis (inflammation of the small and large intestines), high blood pressure, obesity of the 2nd degree, frequent acute respiratory infections. He was not married, constantly changing his girlfriends, prone to spending money, often finds himself in debt. His father died when he was two years old, his mother remarried, as a teenager, Sergei decided to take his stepfather's surname. Here we are talking about the exclusion of the birth father. Who excluded the dead father? Son? No, at first he was expelled by his mother. Children make this decision, often following the inner desire of the mother. How often do mothers want the stepfather to replace the son of the deceased father, so that the son has a real father! It is quite understandable desire of the mother, but where is the child? The son is intimately connected with his dead father. All his life he internally looks at his death, wants to leave after him. And some of the problems with health and in personal life are rooted in this regard. For Sergei, this was unexpected, and as if he saw something new, with a different power. To work on this connection, it was necessary to prepare, and yet, over time, Sergey was able to take this step. What was the solution for him? Inwardly, he needed to say to his father: “You are my own father. This is true. You are my father and I am your son. You died and I forgot about you. Now I see you. I see your destiny I respect your fate and all that pertains to it. You have a place in my heart, you belong to us, you are one of us. I am Pereverzev (this was the surname of the father and son initially). The most valuable thing you gave me – This is my life, I will do the rest in it myself. I now accept my life for the price it cost you and the price it will cost me." Sergei stopped several times, tears flowing from his eyes. At the age of 30, he again acquired his father, and this has already changed a lot in his life.

Galina applied for insomnia and headaches. She described her condition as "a neurosis that arose because of her daughter." According to her, her daughter is a very restless child. She is 6 years old, she constantly demands attention, is very mobile, capricious, strives to insist on her own. She has to go to school soon, and Galina worries that she won't be able to cope with her at all. What happened to the child? What happened to mom? It turned out that the mother was internally connected with the deceased first child, who died when he was one month old. It was necessary for her to resolve within herself the question of this transferred psychotrauma. She was connected with the dead child, she wanted to go to him, and her daughter, by her behavior, brought her back to life. Her daughter was already trying to take this mother's pain upon herself. What was the decision for mom? Look at the dead child, give him a place in their family system: the dead child is the first, the daughter is the second. Accept what happened and let her daughter know that she can bear her pain herself and that her mother stays with her. Here it is necessary to approach the mother’s feeling very subtly, which relates to the death of a child, first to create resources so that in the course of work she will not be overwhelmed by the pain of loss and she will not fall into psychotrauma (I will talk about this a little later in this book).

2. If someone in the system (for example, a father or mother) has this unconscious desire to leave after someone from their parental family or from their new family (for example, after a deceased child or aborted children), then the child, feeling this desire, may feel the desire to leave instead of someone. With his life, he seeks to enable the parent to stay alive. But such a sacrifice is in vain. Even as an adult, a person experiences this longing for death. Sometimes he realizes it, sometimes he doesn't. If he does leave, committing suicide, falling ill, dying in an accident, he does not decide anything for the one for whom he does this. Such a death only increases the misfortune in the family system, bringing terror to all living.

In the last example, I told about the situation with Galina and that her daughter unconsciously wanted to die instead of her mother. Children often take on this role. This is their childhood love or attachment to their parents.

Anatoly came to the reception to find out if a psychotherapist could help their family. He and his wife have no children, they have been married for eight years, they have passed all the necessary studies, but the doctors did not find the reasons why the pregnancy did not occur. He and his wife began to think about IVF, but at the last moment the wife took a different position. Elvira, his wife, said that she would only hope for God, saying that IVF does not help many, and therefore she does not want to torture herself and her husband with new hopes, "as God wills." Anatoly said that he was all exhausted, he wants children, he believes that something needs to be done, and not sit and wait. Then he sadly noticed that his wife, of course, was right about something, because many families had not solved this problem even with the help of IVF. He believes that his wife's decision was influenced by the case of their friend, who became pregnant only after three IVFs, but had a miscarriage in the fifth month, a woman with a "nervous breakdown" ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Elvira agreed to come to the reception. Outwardly, she was calm and said that she had already almost agreed that they might not have children, but she did not mind working with a psychotherapist, as she felt that their marriage with Anatoly was being destroyed. What prevented Elvira and Anatoly from having children? Out of loyalty to her family, Elvira was related to her maternal grandmother, who had two children and had a large number of abortions. As she explained that she was afraid that the children would starve, as she did in childhood, and one of them would die, as three brothers died in her parental family. Elvira's mother wanted to leave after her mother's aborted children, and Elvira inside said that she would rather die than her mother. What was the decision for Elvira? Inwardly, she needed to say to her grandmother: “You are my grandmother, and I am your granddaughter. Now I see you and everything about you. I respect your fate, no matter what happens in it. Your pain, your fate with everything that pertains to it, I leave to you. It's yours and I agree with it. Grandma, I'm staying. Bless me if I stay alive." When Elvira came to the next session three weeks later, she said that she had completely different feelings, as if for the first time she saw herself, her husband, people, life. We also worked with Elvira and Anatoly, the relationship between them has changed, I will return to this couple in my book. Currently, Elvira is pregnant, the pregnancy came almost a year after our consultations ended.

3. It happens that one of the ancestors has some kind of fault. Guilt is real, not invented, but it is not recognized by the ancestor, hidden, denied. Then someone from the younger generation atones with his life, his fate for the guilt of the ancestor. And this redemption can also occur through illness, including through a fatal illness, or through suicide, or through an accident. At the same time, there is an illusion that the child helps the ancestor with his suffering, but this is not so. Atonement can also be not someone else's fault, but one's own. It is the guilt that is denied and not recognized. For example, the guilt of a woman who had an abortion. Or the father of an aborted child. Or the fault of a drunk driver who knocked down a pedestrian. Or a doctor who did not provide timely assistance to the patient. Many more life situations can be cited, but one thing unites them - all these people denied their guilt. People can always find excuses for their actions, especially those of their actions that have dire consequences. After all, an admission of guilt is an admission that at the expense of another you have acquired something. In the case of personal guilt, it is necessary to admit it, only then can you get strength from this for something good in your life.

Often in the family system, when a particular disease occurs, there is unacknowledged or denied guilt. This is the guilt that the guilty did not recognize, forced out, excluded. Often this event can later become a secret. For example, some diseases are a denial of the fate of victims and criminals, and, as a result, people substitute their lives, their fate for criminals or victims.

Illness in such a situation is either a reminder of the suffering of the victims, or a burden of the guilt of the perpetrator. Illness is compensation.

Katerina came to the reception on the advice of her friend. She was treated three times in a psychiatric hospital, she was tormented by depressive states, which were accompanied by suicidal thoughts. The treatment had a short-term effect. She was worried that she might lose a good job, she had little pleasure lately, and she also lost interest in work. In the course of the work, it turned out that her condition was connected with some kind of guilt related to her father. What was at stake, Katya did not know, it did not play a role. What was the decision for Katya? She needed to tell her father, “You are my father and I am your daughter. You remain my father, and I leave the rest to you. What applies to you, I leave with you. It's not my business. It's yours and I agree with it." When we started work, Katerina had tremors all over her body, the first preparatory steps seemed to be difficult for her, as if she did not want to part with her illness. But in the end, her trembling passed, her voice changed, she straightened up in her chair. She came to the next session in a completely different state, she smiled and said that for 5 years (!) She could not laugh and was surprised when she saw joyful faces. And now she specifically searched the Internet for funny stories or anecdotes and laughed at them heartily. What was the fault? I don't know, it didn't matter here, the healing process started even without this information.

The love of the inner child seeks to balance something in its family system. A child sacrifices himself, his destiny, his life for someone else. A child, through his love, seeks to share someone's illness, guilt, death, that is, something difficult, someone's difficult fate. Why is this happening? Why such sacrifices? This is an unconscious attempt to give someone from an older generation something that is actually impossible to give. And in this love, the child violates the hierarchy and compensates for something at the same time. The love of the inner child is about helping the other stay alive. But the price of such help is one's own life. The desire of a child to save someone from an illness at the cost of their own health or to alleviate someone's guilt by redeeming it with their own lives, to make someone's fate better, easier at the cost of their own life or death. But with your love, with your sacrifice, it is impossible to resolve anything. And, giving his life, the child sometimes collapses through illness, but this does not change anything for his loved ones.

A disease or a symptom is the love of the inner child of a sick person for his generic system. This is all done out of inner love, it is because of his love that a person with serious illnesses bears something for someone from his family. The inner desire to die is to leave instead of someone, for someone, or to atone for someone's guilt. An illness or symptom in a particular family member is what his entire family system needs. This is what acts on a person from his system, this is a kind of way for the psyche and body of a person to cope with what comes from the system, with the severe traumatic experience of ancestors. Illness is a sign. Pointer to chaos in the system, to the presence of psychotrauma and repressed feelings. The disease and the symptom can recede when it is possible to identify what is behind the disease in the system and find a healing solution.

Illness and parents

When dealing with diseases or symptoms, it is immediately clear how important the relationship with parents is. It is there that the energy for the solution is hidden. A person, on the one hand, wants to maintain the existing connection with his parents, on the other hand, he wants to grow up and let them go. If the former is stronger, then the person unconsciously clings to the disease or symptom, clings to a connection that may be destroying his life or leading him to death. The desire to maintain the former connection with the parents, the former intimacy, to belong to one's system without a trace. The price of such a connection is one's own life.

The main obstacle to healing may be the unwillingness of children to let go of their parents. Their love, their system keeps them firmly out of place in their parental family. But if children want to live, if they want to live their lives, then they must let their parents go. And this parting can happen only after internal reconciliation and consent. Then, towards the parents, the love of an adult child will flow, and not a small creature who takes upon himself what he will still be unable to carry. Often adults cannot do this. Where the feelings of an infant, a small child, predominate in an adult, separation will not work. Sometimes it takes time to grow out of this childish feeling, sometimes a lot of time, and sometimes this time is simply not there anymore ...

An adult is capable of growth, sometimes the impetus for growth can be the understanding that an adult already has a lot of things - this is his life, his partner, his children who need him. Therefore, the feeling that the life of the parents continues in him, in his children, that the new has an advantage over the old, helps to get rid of the parents and at the same time make his separation with love, deep understanding and acceptance. The strength for such decisions comes from agreement. If this agreement is not there, then ask yourself the question: “What do I really disagree with?” and “What do I need to find reconciliation with this topic?”. After all, few parents would like their children to pay with their lives for their lives.

The whole complexity of the relationship between parents and children lies in the fact that children cannot force parents to allow something. They cannot advise or insist that they start looking for that heavy thing that goes through them to the children. This decision lies solely with the parents. How parents live, how they interact with the difficult - they all determine for themselves. The last word is always theirs. Then an adult child will have to find a solution, but for himself, and not for his parents. Although the solution found undoubtedly affects all family members.

Illness is the result of the love of the inner child. Any disease shows a certain way, but not always only for the sick person, but also for his entire family system. Not only for himself, but also for his parents, partner, children and descendants. For all who are alive and who will live in the future. Any disease shows the love of the inner child, which leads to someone excluded. She points to a secret or to someone no one is looking at. Illness is a force that can lead to inner reconciliation.

Why does a child's love take this direction? Why these unjust sacrifices? Can love lead to such sometimes tragic consequences? Behind this love is the need of the family system. Each person is in the service of his family system, his kind and the world as a whole. The ancestral soul, as part of one Big Soul, leads a person in a special way. Man is given, given to this force. Is it possible to change something in the direction of this love? Sometimes yes. Change in such a way that it does not destroy a person's life and continues to serve his family system, his family. Sometimes a disease appears where only through it a new healing solution is possible not only for the sick person himself, but also for his entire family.

What can a sick person do?

First step is to discover where the love of his inner child is directed. Often this requires the help of a psychotherapist. The purpose of this love is actually illusory. Already an adult can understand that with his childish, naive, blind love he cannot overcome the desire of his loved ones to die, not save, not overcome illness, death, the guilt of others. Everything that a child gives unconsciously to his parents, in fact, they do not need. A child can only give further to his children – that makes sense. And in relation to his parents, he can do the most - this is to accept his life in its entirety from them and give them the opportunity to leave in due time.

Here it is necessary to understand that while a person is struggling with the disease, he does not see it and what is behind it. While he is just trying to get rid of her, he is trying to exclude her. The first step is to give the disease or symptom the space it already occupies. To see behind the disease your love, which is directed to someone from the family system.

Second step is to accept and agree with relatives as they are. With their pain, grief, illness. With their fate, life, guilt and even death.

Third step- search for a solution, because love can be directed in such a way that healing occurs. That which in the system leads to illness can stop.

In any situation, even if a healing solution is not possible, the love of a child is something great. She deserves respect anyway. How deserving of respect is such a fate.

The love of a child is so strong and blind that, as an adult, a person can carry something heavy, leading him to death. And in this way to die - some serious illness can be the cause of death. We, looking at such a person, feel sorry for him because of his difficult fate. But is such a person really unhappy? No. After all, he has his great great love. People around often feel sorry for such a person because of his difficult fate. But is such a person really unhappy? No. After all, he is in agreement with this inner great love. And what he does for his family, for his kind, he does with joy, he says: "For your sake, I will do everything." And from this he is light and good. His life was not in vain. In his heart he is forever a child, because he does not grow, does not separate from his parents. But for him this separation is impossible. He cannot take his place and become a child in relation to his parents, become small and not rise above them. And this position must also be accepted. After all, this connection is necessary for the entire family system, and the lack of opportunity for change also comes from it.

Such "particularly loving" children in the family play their role, perform their function. They express someone's desire to leave after the deceased. And how loving children take this burden and carry it themselves, saying inside: "I will follow you." This love is strong and blind and leads to the edge of the abyss, beyond which is death. She is blind because she believes that her sacrifice can make someone in the family happier, make someone's life easier. That with your desire you can save someone. Is it so? No. Nobody can be saved. And premature death from illness, accident or suicide only makes the whole system even more terrified. It brings more pain, confusion and continues in someone else the desire to leave after the deceased.

Stanislava came to the appointment due to the fact that she was worried about panic attacks. When she talked about her family, especially when talking about her father, she began to cry. It turned out that her father had committed suicide a year ago. As it turned out later in our work with her, the same reasons were behind the death of her father and her illness. I will return to this case. Here I want to note that Stanislava said that her father's act plunged the whole family into a state of horror. Until now, no one in the family can talk about this topic, everyone has moved away from each other, they have become like strangers.

Nikolai asked for help because of alcohol addiction, he has not been drinking for two years, but inside he feels constant anxiety and anxiety. Recently, they have been growing, he has become irritable, quick-tempered. His brother crashed to death at the age of 20 in a car, Nikolai was then 11 years old. He remembers at the level of feelings what his mother felt like, how hard his father endured this event. “Time has stopped in our family since then, – Nikolai said. – Since then, I've been all alone." About how the consultations took place and what was behind the state of Nikolai, I will tell later in the book.

What is the future of such a strong big love of the inner child? It will not become the love of an adult mature person, it will not grow. Inside, a person will remain a child, but not in his place, not with his destiny. The child, wishing to save his parents from their fate, will himself become their fate. But can a child really save his parents in this way? Such assistance is more often a collapse for the life of the child and his parents. Everything in the system is out of place, and therefore the life of the child and the life of the parents is hard. The child remains a child in life, despite his age, immature, connected with his parents even after their death, often controlling them. Growth is possible if someone from the system can agree that everyone has their own destiny, their own path.

Each person came from his own special family, and in this family everyone has his own unconscious role. He is somewhat limited due to the influence of the fate of his ancestors on his life. His family is limited by his choice, views, actions, beliefs. And the psychotherapist in any situation must agree that he was able to do everything he could. And the person resorting to the help of a therapist must also understand that at the moment he is also doing everything he can. Care, pity of the psychotherapist is a dead end. The psychotherapist's agreement with the fate of the client, with his limitations, is sometimes the only possible step. Like many problems in human life, the disease is caused by childhood blind love, loyalty to the family system. This is another attempt to save someone or establish a broken connection with someone. This is another attempt to control someone's destiny, someone's life. Can a person control such a deep inner process? Is it possible to control what is higher and stronger than you? After all, what we see at the level of the body is only a reflection of the internal processes that have been taking place over many centuries and decades in our family. How can one person suffering from a disease control the development of his disease? Can he bear this responsibility alone? Hardly, but people can try to do it, and respond, and control. But as a result, there comes a moment when they agree that the disease and life itself are beyond their control. And then they begin to listen to the search of their soul. But how long will it take? And perhaps how many generations will replace each other?

But is it possible to change something in this blind deep childish love? Maybe. It is possible for an adult person to see how otherwise one can love. For the solution, it is important to find a path to mature love. This love is not illusory, she sees all family members and herself as they are, she respects them all equally, gives them a place in her heart. In the field of such love, everyone has an equal right to belong to their family, everyone is respected, living and dead. The love of the inner child, which led a person to illness, can change its direction. And then mature love will bring healing and relief not only to the patient himself, but to his entire family.

Ready for Healing

From the very beginning, I want to outline my position regarding the treatment of diseases. I consider psychotherapy not a separate science, but a branch of medicine. And I have a positive attitude towards the traditional treatment of diseases. I do not share the opinion that a person should solve all his health issues unequivocally without drugs, but only with the help of modern approaches to psychotherapy. I do not recommend people who come to me for help to neglect traditional methods of treating diseases. Psychotherapy can help a person, for example, in clarifying many questions that a patient asks himself ... Of course, in the case of chronic diseases or long-term symptoms, as well as if someone in the family has a serious illness, there are complex and difficult fates in the family system. Of course, one can trace the connection between severe illness and the excluded in the family system. Of course, one can see why and for whom the patient wants to leave this life or whose guilt he is atoning for. Steps can be taken to free a sick person from a fatal relationship that leads to illness or even death. Of course, psychotherapy can have a healing effect, but sometimes this is only possible in combination with traditional treatment. And sometimes any steps of medicine and psychotherapist are doomed to failure. There is no need to overestimate the healing effect of psychotherapy, as well as look for a panacea and salvation only in medicines. It is better, in my opinion, to take care of yourself in both ways.

I do not share the position of psychotherapists who believe that if a person wanted to, he would be healthy. They say that only those who do not want to be healthy, to change something in themselves, in their views, are sick. Of course, changes in oneself are not so easy for many people. But is it their fault? Their willingness to change comes from their system, because illness is just a body reflection of those difficult and forgotten events that once took place in the family system. Could those living now influence what was long before they were born? Do they have the right to atone for someone's guilt? How can they, particles of their family system, be alone responsible and change something so globally as to be healthy at the same time? Many concepts that say that a person's health is in his hands seem to blame the sick for being sick. Like, you don’t want to change anything, that’s why you get sick. In their concept there is something attractive to many people - a kind of illusion that a person can control his life and illness. Having succumbed to these views and faced with a disease, a person feels guilty that the disease has appeared, that it is difficult to treat, that disability has come and their ability to work is limited. But everything that affects a person from his family system, from his kind, is not realized by a person. The disease heals something in the family system itself, so the whole system is needed for something.

Alina came to the reception about the condition of her daughter. Daughter Anna is three years old, but she does not sleep well at night, often cries, often gets sick. Alina is a psychologist herself, but she cannot cope with the situation. My daughter was taken to resorts to rest, they carried out the prevention of respiratory diseases, but nothing worked. Alina doesn't know what to do. Why not start giving your child sedatives? What was behind the state of Alina's daughter? It turned out that Alina's first pregnancy was interrupted. I had a miscarriage in the third week. Alina was very worried, for almost a year she could not recover. When she became pregnant, she again worried for a long time about how the pregnancy would proceed. Everything ended well - the child was born full-term on time. What was Alina's daughter worried about? For whom did little Anna cry? Of course, about the unborn first child. Whose pain and tears did Anna bear? Of course, his mother. For Alina, an important step was to give her daughter the place of a second child. After all, the first desired child was not born, the mother's pain forced her to oust this event, to exclude the unborn child. It was the acceptance of the first child, the acceptance of her pain, and the release of her daughter from the need to bear pain instead of her mother, to look at the unborn child instead of her mother, that allowed Anna's condition to normalize. After the first consultation, my daughter slept peacefully all night. Alina's psychotherapy not only calmed her daughter, normalized her sleep, and improved her health. There have been amazing changes in family relationships, in the relationship between Alina and her mother, Alina and her husband. Alina went to work, they made her a good offer, and her income increased. “It’s like something has left our family,” Alina commented on her feelings. This is the example when the love of a child through illness shows parents and the whole family what should be paid attention to. Because otherwise no one would do anything. But the condition of the daughter caused suffering and misunderstanding among the parents, and it was this that made the problem look, so to speak, “in the eyes”.

Health is a special state. This is balance, well-being of the physical and mental state of a person. This means being at peace with yourself, with your loved ones and relatives, with your environment and with the world as a whole. This means that the disease, causing discomfort and suffering, makes you go to any lengths to be healthy. Pain, illness make a person think about what is happening. Pain and illness force a person to move beyond the boundaries set by their family system, while maintaining belonging to their family.

There is no point in trying to persuade a person, to convince him that he needs change. A person himself should not just want, not just declare his desire, but strive for change. It makes no sense for relatives to persuade a close chemically dependent person that he needs treatment. It makes no sense for a wife to explain to her husband that he must change. There is no point in waiting for change from someone and convincing someone that you are right. If you think your family needs a change, then start with yourself. Do not think that you are more perfect and better than your partner or your parents. Do not assume that others are negatively influencing you, making you feel and react in this way. This is not true! No matter who you are or those around you, no one is better than the other. Ideas about what is good and what is bad are only human ideas. It does not make sense to bring a person to a psychotherapist or to a seminar against his wishes or through blackmail and manipulation. If he is not ready, there will be no result for him. Look for a solution for yourself. Why do you react and act the way you do? Why are you sick? Perhaps you are not ready. If you think you are ready for change, start with yourself.

Particularly sophisticated masters of manipulation are relatives of people suffering from some form of addiction. Under their pressure, a patient, for example, with alcohol addiction, begins to assert confidently that he wants change. But at the appointment with a psychotherapist, it is clear that this is only a statement, there is no desire. What is there? Another way to convince loved ones that "nothing helps." A person sometimes clings to his habits so much that he tries to convince others that change is impossible. They dissuade others that something can change for them, and addicts, for example, that they will ever get better. For such people, being right is more important than being happy. They themselves live in a state of inner anxiety and inner restlessness and have no hope of finding inner balance and peace. But what should relatives do if their seriously ill person refuses treatment, does not want to resort to the help of doctors or psychotherapists? Situations are different, but they are united by one thing: a person wants to unconsciously leave this life, that is, to die. What should relatives do? There is only one thing left - to respect his desire for death. And after respecting this desire, there may be new opportunities for other productive decisions in the family system.

In fact, those changes that a person desires are sought through him by his family system, his ancestral soul. The system cannot remain permanently unchanged, all the events that shake it up (illnesses, divorces, deaths, suicides and much more) actually push all family members to find solutions, to change. A person who seeks changes by his actions, on the one hand, fulfills his role in the search, on the other hand, he faces internal discomfort due to the fact that he does something that goes against family attitudes and views. This is growth, the development through which, whether you like it or not, a person must go through, and with it his system. A certain force, a connection with his family, weaves lead him.

But relatives, such as parents, do not know anything about what is behind the fate of their child, and then his path seems to them difficult, wrong. They are sad, worried and think: “This is wrong, it should not be like this.” And adult children at the same time feel that their life path brings pain and disappointment to their parents. What should parents do then? Accept the fate of the child, what affects him from their kind, his life path. Parents could say something like this inside: “I love you no matter what. I love you and what guides you and me. I agree". What should a child do? Agree with what affects him, with his destiny, accept his life path: “I love you, no matter what. I love what guides me and you. I agree".

heavy

Real life sometimes seems tough or cruel to us, the people around us are evil, bad, wrong. The past of ancestors, parents can also be tough, difficult. Yes, reality can be hard. And then a person is afraid of reality, the past as they are. And then we want everything to be different, different. And we plunge into the illusory world. This makes the person weaker. He turns away, does not want to look at the hard things in his fate, in the fate of his ancestors, in the surrounding reality. Only a clear look at the past and present, as they are, fills us with strength. It is agreement with reality, with the past that gives us strength for growth, for life, for change. Looking into the eyes of reality is not an easy but important step.

The person doesn't really need our pity. He needs our consent and acceptance of what is happening. By agreeing, we become stronger; by agreeing, we give strength to others. The one who carries something heavy is able to carry something. Moreover, only his burden is on his shoulder. Nobody else can do it for him. The one who regrets tends to do something for the other, thereby making him weaker.

Agreement

Are we in harmony with ourselves, with the body, with the family, with what we are doing? Are we in agreement with the excluded, with previous partners, with those who are close to us in life, who help and support?

Listen to yourself. Maybe you are missing someone? Maybe you are lonely without someone? Maybe you miss someone?

When we are in agreement, we are in love. In love is different, in love with oneself, with the body, with the family, with what we do. In love with the excluded, with previous partners, with those who are with us through life. We are in love with ourselves, with others, in love with the power that guides us. We are in the field of mature love.

What is consent? Why is this feeling familiar to someone for a long time, and someone strives for acceptance, but nothing happens? There is no agreement with yourself, with fate, with your own destiny? Why is it that sometimes, when consent is so necessary for healing, it is impossible to come to it? Consent begins with agreement with oneself. What is self-acceptance? It is impossible without the consent of the parents. Consent with parents is finding one's place in the system, this is the position of the child in relation to the father and mother. And this is growing up at the same time. Consent with yourself is agreement with your parents. And consent with parents is also a found solution for the loss of attachment, if it took place. Without the consent of our parents, it is impossible to be in agreement with ourselves, since we are our parents. We are our father and mother. Without this consent, it is impossible to find consent in relation to your partner and children. Without this consent, the surrounding relatives and people will seem wrong, bad, evil. It is impossible to agree with the ancestors of one's kind without the consent of one's parents.

Our life begins with parents. Everything in our life comes through them. Joy and pain, success and failure, health and disease, wealth and poverty. The inner child forever experiences absolute love for its parents, whatever they may be. It is so important for adults, young and not so people, future and present mothers and fathers to find love in this heart, agreement with their parents as they are. How important it is for a mother-to-be to find comfort in her mother's breasts. Both literally and internally. How important it is for a dad-to-be to gain the sense of security that comes from his father. Consent with others, with someone else's difficult fate, is also possible only after agreement with parents.

path of healing

Disease points the way!
The path to reconciliation and humility!
And now you can't turn back
Kohl has already come to a decision!
Doubt, inner heaviness
Retreat suddenly, leave,
Will cover bliss, weakness,
And suddenly ... love will flood ...
I see everyone, I am a part
I am the son, the child, the youngest,
You are there, I am here
You are a mother, a parent, an elder.
And everything calmed down - calmed down,
Gone is the sadness and sadness.
I will smile gently at my mother
And I will bow before the family!

Each family system has its own task. We are all part of our family, a kind, and we carry something from it. We perform some function and carry a certain order from our grandfathers and grandmothers, great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers, even if they were not known. The family system, or ancestral soul, determines our function, our role in its structure. If something is still not resolved in a relationship, then it holds me. What holds me limits me. If there is something I do not want to see, to know, then this does not mean that it is not present in my life. Communication still holds us and still limits us. I may wish to be healed, but the unresolved connection continues to keep me sick. Without solving certain problems, we cannot count on healing ourselves or our children. After all, what was not allowed by our ancestors was passed on to us, and what is not allowed by us will be passed on to our children.

Sometimes we write goals, create affirmations to keep ourselves healthy, try to imagine ourselves healthy and happy and seem to be doing everything right, but in reality everything remains the same. Of course, a positive outlook on the future is always important, but where is the disease? Do we see her at the same time? No, we are striving to push it aside, to forget, to expel, that is, to exclude. Mental images are good, but if your soul desires otherwise, if its images are different, then mental positive will lead nowhere. Illness is a clear pointer to something that is happening in a person and in his system. Illness is a manifested image of our soul, a task with which we must not fight, but first of all see it, accept it, recognize it, agree with it. And then look for a connection, an image in your soul. If the soul wants something different, its desires are far from mental images, then it will not follow them.

We, as part of our system, feel a lot and feel a lot, but we can’t always understand what’s wrong. Through analysis and reasoning, one can go the wrong way, because we are part of our family, a kind of family, and what is hidden from us, we will not see. But what is difficult for us to see, still continues to have an effect on us. For this, someone else is needed, outside our system, more often this person is a psychotherapist. It is he who can help a person to feel what is hidden from him, what cannot be reached with the help of analysis and reasoning.

Hunter Beaumont writes in his book: “In the 70s, when the first humanistic approach to cancer treatment became known, my friends from Southern California, from a suburb of Los Angeles, took part in a research project at the university. I did not directly participate in it, but from a conversation with friends I knew exactly what was happening there. Approximately 20 patients with severe cancer diagnoses were taken, in which it was possible to assume an early death. The work was carried out in accordance with the following approach: "We need to take responsibility for the disease on ourselves, because it is I who make myself sick." After only 18 months, all patients who participated in this project died. And many of them with a sense of guilt just because they did not heal themselves. The main effect of this attempt was a sense of failure. Colleagues very quickly learned to reduce their expectations and not be carried away. They realized that the goal of such treatment may not always be remission of symptoms.”

Healing depends on whether and when the person can come into agreement with what is excluded. Will it happen at the beginning of the disease or when the whole body is affected? Will this event happen at all - agreement with what is excluded? After all, a person is part of his system, and it is not in his power to decide whether or not he can be healed. Who, he or someone from the next generation, will be able to agree with the excluded topic? A person, being in such an internal conflict all his life, unconsciously seeks a solution. Often, his illness is still the only possible solution for him. Is another, deeper solution possible for the patient? For some, yes, for some, no. At the same time, it does not matter who is sick - the one who is engaged in various spiritual practices, or the one who is far from them. It happens that a person who is completely unfamiliar with psychology, esotericism and alternative medicine gets rid of some symptoms in a few sessions with a psychotherapist and comes to an agreement. And for someone who is familiar with many practices, and at the reception of a psychotherapist remains irreconcilable, a sort of fighter for some ideas, nothing happens, no healing. It happens that acceptance and consent occur when an operation has already been performed, some organ or ability to work has been lost, or irreversible changes have occurred in the organ and only remission is possible. And sometimes a person has already come so close to death that he leaves easily and with love.

Sometimes they say that we had a conflict with a partner and after that you got sick. In fact, the disease always speaks of a connection with the parental family, and not with a partner.

Why, when a person is sick, the path to his healing can be closed? Yes, traditional treatment is sometimes effective. Sometimes herbal remedies, sometimes psychotherapy, sometimes non-traditional methods of treatment. But there are many cases when, despite all the treatment, the disease progresses. The path to healing is closed for several reasons. For example, healing requires such internal and external changes in a person for which he is not ready. Why? His family system is not ready for change, and a serious illness and death of a person is a compensation for something that happened in the past. This does not mean at all that a person helped someone by his death and allowed something for someone. This means that change is possible, but in someone else, for example, in subsequent generations.

Sometimes there are such complex processes in the family system that it is simply impossible for a person to come to respect with his ancestors and parents. Sometimes life is not enough. And this is another reason why the disease does not recede.

When it comes to illness, the first thing to pay attention to is not the sick person himself or his illness, but the family system to which he belongs. How does his system and family members who relate to it behave? If what is excluded and leads to illness? It is the acceptance of excluded people and themes that can have a healing effect on the patient.

Any decision takes time. Time for what was sown at the appointment with a psychotherapist to bear fruit. The decision is not a process of brainstorming, this process is completely left to our soul. Sometimes the reason or the way out that seems the most logical, correct, turns out to be only a mirage. The decision is calm and not subject to any interpretation and rethinking, it is what it can and should be at the moment of a person's life. But what will the person choose? A close, intimate connection, conditioned by the love of the inner child, or mature love, love that continues the connection. But this relationship is different. She is at a distance, she is the connection of an adult with his parents, and through them with his ancestors. Taking a step towards mature love, there is always a temptation, and a very strong one, to return back to the familiar love of the inner child. And many are returning. What to do then? Therapist - do not interfere, each system has its own time limit. It is up to a person to realize his return back and in the future to decide whether he wants to continue his movement towards mature love.

Chapter Summary

1. Any disease is the state in which the human body can currently be in this life. The disease is necessary and serves something through this person. Serves through his body, mind and soul to his system.

2. Many diseases are caused by our connection with our family, our clan. Illness is a state of the family system of a person and his whole family as a whole.

3. Based on the orders of the soul described by Bert Hellinger, one can trace the principles of the origin of diseases in the human family system.

4. Illness is an excluded person. Illness is compensation in the family system. Illness is the system's way of coping with what needs to be addressed.

5. Condemnation of an act is also an exception in the system.

6. Illness is the result of the love of the inner child. Any disease shows a certain way, but not always only for the sick person, but also for his entire family system.

7. A person's readiness for healing comes from his family system.

8. Those changes that a person desires are sought through him by his family system, his ancestral soul. The system cannot remain permanently unchanged, all the events that shake it up (illnesses, divorces, deaths, suicides, and much more) actually push all family members to seek solutions, to change.

9. Healing is the path by which a person comes into harmony with the orders of the soul.

Finding a Solution

1. In order to practice healing for any disease, it is necessary to collect preliminary information about your family system. You need to answer the following questions in detail, collect relevant information.

Who is your birth (biological) father? Who is your natural (biological) mother?

If you were adopted, then who are your real parents?

Were there people suffering from alcoholism in previous generations?

Were there people in previous generations leading an asocial lifestyle?

What did the ancestors from previous generations do (work, fight, etc.)? Where did you live (did you move or not)? How many marriages were there, how many children were there, whose last name did they have?

A genogram is a family tree. A geniosociogram is a commented representation of a genogram, that is, supplemented with information about the life of ancestors. In this scheme, each generation occupies one row. You and your spouse go first, as well as your partners before marriage, your brothers and sisters. On the line below your children. One line up, your parents, their brothers and sisters. One more line up, your parents' parents, your grandparents, and so on.

Chapter 2
PSYCHOTRAUMS AND THE DEVELOPMENT OF DISEASES. SEARCHING OF DECISIONS