To achieve the best result is a commendable quality of character. However, what if it becomes hypertrophied and subjugates the whole life of a person?

Striving for the best result and achievement of the goal is familiar to everyone. However, it happens that a person devotes a significant part of his life or even his entire life to being perfect always and everywhere. He perceives any failure as a failure, a humiliating defeat, which, in turn, only strengthens his desire to do even better next time. Psychologists call these people perfectionists. perfection- perfection), and the painful desire for perfection - perfectionism.

The power of possession

Perfectionism can be divided into three levels of severity: weak, medium and strong.

Weak degree of perfectionism
Perfectionism is episodic and appears only in certain situations. For example, a person, when buying a thing, planning a vacation or going to a restaurant, at some point may show persistent selectivity, the desire to choose the best possible. Or suddenly discovers an increased tendency to search for flaws in the purchased product, but after a while calms down or switches to another activity. Later, he himself wonders: why did he suddenly seem important to such, by and large, a trifle? This is a perfectly healthy display of perfectionism.

Average degree of perfectionism
The pursuit of perfection begins to occupy a significant part of life. Usually it manifests itself in any one area, for example, at work. A person notices that it is extremely important for him that everything be in order, lie in its place, and be carried out in the most appropriate way. He gets very upset and angry when there is someone or something not so perfect. It is often said about such a person that he suffers from the “excellent student syndrome”.

The obsession with perfection was vividly demonstrated by the film "Black Swan"
Darren Aronofsky. The main character Nina spends all her strength to achieve
perfection in literally every ballet step, to do everything as correctly as possible.
Exhausted by constant dissatisfaction with herself, driven by a desperate attempt to achieve
recognition, Nina is afraid of competition and tries to practice even more. However
her movements, although perfectly executed, lose their charm because of the cold
mechanicalness, which the director reminds the ballerina all the time.

Strong degree of perfectionism
Perfectionism becomes a stable personal behavioral model that subjugates all others. It is vital for a person that everything is perfect. The passion for perfection turns into a real obsession, over which control is lost. When they talk about perfectionism, they usually mean its medium and strong degrees: the desire for perfection leaves an imprint on the character and life of a person.

Perfectionism on the outside

Psychological and social portrait of a perfectionist
From the outside, a 100% perfectionist looks like an arrogant, arrogant and selfish person. If he is already confident in something, it is difficult to convince him, and he is hardly ready to reckon with the opinions of others.
When communicating with a perfectionist, one gets the feeling that he is only interested in his own achievements and his status. Prestige is of great importance to him, he likes to feel like a person with special privileges. Next to a perfectionist, others understand that they and their actions are constantly being evaluated. For him, the world has a clear hierarchy, dividing into those who are lower - he feels disgust and condescending pity for them, and those who are higher - with this he is painfully envious, but masks envy with the help of contempt.

In the eternal pursuit of the ideal
A perfectionist is ready to do anything to achieve the goal. He does not tolerate failures and mistakes, therefore he carefully controls the fulfillment of obligations, keeps emotions under control. In the world, according to the perfectionist, everything should be right. He is disappointed when faced with the opposite. And this happens quite often, because his ideas about the ideal are often unrealistically overestimated.
The perfectionist is preoccupied with his notions of perfection and perfection. Other people, in his opinion, should correspond to this grandiose image, to match it. If someone expresses doubt about his position and beliefs, then he risks being awarded caustic remarks and ridicule.

drama in relationships
In close relationships, the perfectionist is perceived as cold and distant. He can say something hurtful or hurt and not notice it. His loved one must meet the ideal. For a perfectionist, what he wears and how he looks is much more important than how he feels. If at some point a perfectionist suddenly sees that his love has ceased to be an ideal, then he perceives this as a betrayal, feels disappointment and anger. And then he can easily reject a loved one.

Perfectionism from within

Let's try to look into the inner world of a perfectionist. This will make it possible to understand him a little better and, perhaps, to feel sympathy and empathy.

• In fact, a perfectionist desperately needs understanding, human warmth and support, but does not know how to receive it. He is alienated from others and suffers from this. He is also alienated from himself - deep down he has real feelings, but he runs away from them.
• The perfectionist's excessive demands on himself and others are accompanied by enormous internal tension. He was tired of being forced to spend all his strength on conforming to his own ideas about the ideal.
• It is really hard for a perfectionist to admit that he is wrong about something. Due to the fact that the self-esteem of a perfectionist is reinforced only by his achievements, he takes his failures and mistakes too close to his heart. If someone discovers their imperfection, the perfectionist feels such a sense of shame and rage that it is difficult for him to cope with it.
• When reaching a new height or goal, the perfectionist is not able to enjoy success, but is forced to hide it. Otherwise, he will be considered weak, which does not correspond to his ideal image. And here he is embarrassed.
• It is unbearable for him to be in contact with people who behave informally. He feels shame and, instantly defending himself from this experience, devalues ​​them.
• The perfectionist suffers deeply from internal self-judgment, defending himself by blaming others.
• He is envious of others and carefully hides it. It happens that from himself.
• The perfectionist is afraid that someone will discover the fragility and artificiality of the majestic grandiose image he has created. He is forced to spend a lot of energy to maintain it, which pretty exhausts him.
• A perfectionist does not know the feeling of powerlessness. It is difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that he is not able to change.

What is the reason for perfectionism?

Usually the reason lies in early childhood and the characteristics of education. Consider a classic example.
Parents consider it their main task to motivate the child for success and in every possible way support the desire for achievements in him. They reward with praise and give love only if the child corresponds to their ideas: an excellent student, obedient, exemplary. And if he does something wrong, they react with strict prohibitions. Perhaps humiliated and shamed.
Why do they do this? Parents place their hopes and aspirations on the child, believe that he is special, supporting this belief in him. And in this way they satisfy their own need for achievement, proudly declaring to others what a wonderful son (or daughter) they have in all respects.

Program for life
Over time, such a child gets used to ignore their desires and feelings. He pays attention only to what is socially approved, worthy, prestigious. As a result, he is forced to achieve these goals, hoping to receive a reward, as in childhood. However, she does not bring him the desired pleasure. And somewhere deep inside himself, he understands: this is not at all what he needs.

Modern research in psychology shows that
the reverse side of the "excellent student syndrome" most often turn out to be
chronic fatigue, constant overexertion, dissatisfaction
self and others, frustration and apathy.

How to deal with perfectionism?

Let's say you realize that your loved one or acquaintance turned out to be a perfectionist. Stop being angry at him and try to understand him. A good result of such an understanding will be a warm and kind attitude towards this person. Especially since he really misses it so much.
If you suspect that you yourself are a perfectionist, try to honestly answer the question: how vital and important is it for you to be perfect and perfect, to achieve the best result no matter what, always and everywhere?
If you are quite capable of getting over the disappointment of a failed project or unfulfilled goal and find the strength to move on, then you have nothing to worry about. If the image of a perfectionist is close to you and you are obsessed with perfection, try seeking help from a psychologist. After all, a real specialist is required to solve such a serious psychological problem. And let it be imperfect.

Expert: Galina Filippova, general practitioner, candidate of medical sciences
Pavel Sobolevsky, psychologist

The material uses photographs owned by shutterstock.com

Barbara Cartland

The pursuit of excellence

1882

So, as far as I understand, Darcia, your aunt is waiting for you in Paris and wants you to come to her exactly tomorrow?

Yes, Madam Superior.

I suppose I do not need to remind you that I do not approve of the trips of our pupils to Paris and generally have a negative attitude towards this city?

Yes, Madam Superior.

I might hope you could explain it to your aunt. Instead of sending such an invitation, it would be better for her to visit you here at the monastery.

I'm afraid, Madame Superior, she would find such a trip too tiring.

There was a pause, during which the Mother Superior carefully examined the girl sitting at the table opposite.

Without a doubt, during the two years of study at the monastery boarding school, Darcia turned into a real beauty.

Perhaps it was her beauty that was the real reason why the abbess did not want to let Darcia go to Paris - although she would hardly admit it to herself. But still, the abbess did not like that, leaving the calm and quiet boarding house, securely sheltered by the monastery walls, the girl would find herself, albeit under the supervision of her aunt, in a city that was called the receptacle of immorality and carelessness throughout Europe.

On the other hand, the abbess could not but admit that up to now Darcia's behavior could be called exemplary in every respect.

She studied diligently, and it was difficult to find another girl in the boarding school who would have achieved such brilliant success. Darcia was the only Englishwoman among the other students, but nevertheless she enjoyed their favor, and the nuns simply adored her.

There were many attractive girls in the care of the Mother Superior, but Darcia's beauty was something special. Perhaps the reason was the unusual combination of reddish hair with large greenish-brown eyes.

Darcia showed no impatience in any way, despite the fact that so far she had not received either consent or refusal to her request. She didn't ask for anything, she just sat and waited for permission to travel. Such behavior could only cause sympathy.

The headmaster made her decision.

Well, Darcia, she said, you can go to Paris, and since your aunt writes that she will send a carriage for you, this saves me from having to give you an escort. But still, you must be aware that I do not like this kind of trip.

Darcia meekly replied:

I understand, Madam Superior, and I thank you for your kindness.

The messenger is waiting, hurry up with the answer, - said the abbess.

Thank you, - Darcia repeated once more and curtsied as she left the office.

Only when she closed the door behind her did she allow herself to jump for joy, and with inappropriate haste, as the abbess would have said, rushed into the classroom, which was empty at that time.

She opened her desk, took out a leather-bound folder, took out a blank piece of paper from it, and hastily jotted down a few lines. One can imagine how surprised the abbess would have been if she had read what was written:

Dear, beloved! I can't wait for tomorrow. We will be together as soon as your horses bring me to you.

I love you a thousand times!

Darcia.

After sealing the envelope, she went down to the gate with mock restraint. Darcia handed the letter to the nun on duty, who handed it to the groom. Through the half-open doors, Darcia saw him gallop away. His horse was thoroughbred and, no doubt, frisky.

Then Darcia went back upstairs to decide what dress to wear for her first trip to Paris in two years.

The carriage that arrived for Darcia the next morning was very comfortable and looked rich, but it was impossible to determine to whom it belonged, since neither the carriage itself nor the horses decorated with silver trappings had any coats of arms or flowers indicating owner.

A footman and a coachman were sitting on the goats. The man who had come to accompany Darcia, a gray-haired elderly man, waited respectfully in front of the gates of the monastery. When Darcia appeared, he silently bowed to her.

As she got into the carriage, she nodded in response, but said nothing.

The elderly man also climbed into the carriage and sat opposite Darcia. The girl waved her hand to the nun on duty, and the carriage drove off. Only when the gates of the monastery were closed did Darcia lean back in her seat with relief and cheerfully asked the old man:

How are you, Briggs?

Now that I see you, Miss Darcia, much better! he replied. “In two years you have grown so much and changed so much that I’m afraid the master won’t recognize you.

I can imagine what it was like for you here,” said Briggs. “But the master is determined to give you a good education.

I am so crammed with knowledge,” Darcia sighed, “that sometimes I feel like a pot of pate de foie gras.

Both laughed.

Like Dad?

He's all right," said Mr. Briggs, "but you can probably guess, Miss Darcia, that he still burns the candle at both ends, wasting his energy recklessly.

Can he live differently? Darcia said. Then it wouldn't be him.

Well said, Miss Darcia.

Where did you stay? I thought our Parisian house had been closed for a long time.

We opened it on purpose, Miss Darcia, so that the owner can meet you. Only I was ordered to warn that no one should see you or know that you were here. It is very important.

Darcia was surprised, but before she could say anything Mr. Briggs continued:

The owner also told me to give you this veil and told you to put it on when you get out of the carriage. He does not want the servants to know who you are, and the coachman has given his word to be silent. You can rely on him - he has been serving the owner for a long time and will not chat.

Darcia laughed, though she was somewhat puzzled.

Terribly like his father, but why such mystery? What if they notice me?

You are not easily overlooked, Miss Darcia, said Mr. Briggs. - Do not consider it impudent on my part, but you have become such a beauty that the owner will be simply shocked.

Oh, how I hope that's true, said Darcia. - I always knew, even when I was very small, that dad recognizes only beautiful women, and even used to pray in the evenings so that when I grow up, I would become beautiful enough and please him with it.

In itself, the desire for excellence is a wonderful feeling, it makes a person move forward, master more and more new heights. However, for many people this develops into perfectionism - a state in which excessive demands on oneself and on life are brought to the limit. Such people themselves suffer from their own excessive meticulousness and inability to stop where they should.

Striving for excellence and perfectionism

Perfectionism is the belief that the best possible result can be achieved and must be done. In fact, this is the same striving for perfection, but if the aspiring person understands that the best result is impossible, then the perfectionist is not.

Perfectionism can manifest itself in increased demands on oneself and others, the conviction that everything in the world must be right, and the person himself must meet “standards”. Also, such people are characterized by increased attention to detail, the race for the best result and the desire to endlessly redo work in pursuit of the ideal. If you notice all or most of these traits in yourself, then you are close to a conduct disorder.

Pull yourself together, try to understand the causes and origins of this behavior, and then control the behavior.

How to achieve perfection?

The most important thing is to understand that perfection is unattainable, and this is its essence. This is an endless process of work, and the end result is not expected here. Therefore, it is possible to strive for perfection, but not to set it.

Perfection is in development

If you see that you are prone to perfectionism, try to remember more often that the very fact that you are developing, and not standing still, is already bringing you to perfection, and it is impossible to comprehend it.

Many people set spiritual perfection as their goal, but few can determine what it is and how to understand that the desired is achieved. When you set such goals for yourself, be sure to specify them, make them achievable and comfortable for you. This will allow you not only to be more effective, but also to better understand yourself, your aspirations.

In order for a person to achieve the perfection of the spirit or even just a skill, consistent work in this direction is needed. At the same time, it is important to keep in mind that this is work for the sake of work, for the sake of improvement, and not perfection. When you accept the idea that a perfect outcome for every case is simply impossible, it will be easier for you to keep working and be motivated.

perfectionism(from French perfection) - the conviction that perfection, both one's own and other people's, is the goal to which a person should strive. The concept of perfectionism arose in the Protestant environment of the 19th century, later transformed into the classical perfectionism of I. Kant, G. Leibniz, Marxists and meant, first of all, internal improvement in morality, development of talents and gifts. Nietzsche's philosophy of the superman is also a kind of perfectionism. At the everyday level, perfectionism is an excessive striving for perfection, a tendency to make very high demands on oneself and others. At school and student age, this behavior is more typical for girls because of their greater tendency to follow social norms, but it can also develop in young people. From a psychological point of view, perfectionism is a personality trait with a complex structure. Its main features:

• An overestimated level of claims and high demands on oneself;
• High performance standards and focus on the “most successful”;
• Perception of other people as demanding and critical;
• Constant comparison of yourself with others;
• Evaluation and planning of activities on the principle of "all or nothing" (polarized thinking);
• Fixing attention on your own failures and mistakes.

In an effort to bring any business to the ideal, “polishing” every little thing, perfectionists constantly have doubts about the quality of the work done, are extremely sensitive to criticism and have little opportunity to experience satisfaction from the results of their work due to the belief that it is not done well enough. Excessive desire to perfection often turns into loneliness (it is impossible to find friends who meet ultra-high requirements), the lack of the opportunity to relax and have fun (the desire to perfectly perform even minor tasks takes a huge amount of time) and nervous breakdowns, which are caused by constant stress (because excellent results must be constantly confirm). Perfectionists react painfully to any criticism, with difficulty adapting to new conditions; with people around them, they often prefer not to cooperate, but to compete and compete. Typical thoughts and beliefs of perfectionists regarding themselves and their relationship to others:

• When I'm working on something, I can't relax until I've perfected it.
• Being the best is the purpose of my life.
• People should do everything qualitatively if they undertake something.
• If I make even a small mistake, those around me will not forgive me.
• In any case, you need to give all the best "in full".
• You don’t need to leave people a single reason to doubt your perfection.
• I try not to associate with people who do not aspire to anything.
• I need material evidence of my success.
• It annoys me when people make mistakes in simple things.
• I have no respect for ordinary, unremarkable people.
• The people I appreciate shouldn't let me down.
• All things are equally important.
• I am constantly working on myself, striving to be better every day, with every next task.
• I get upset if I find a mistake in my work.

Excessive striving for perfection is associated with chronic emotional discomfort, low productivity, the risk of mental disorders and even the risk of suicidal behavior. Sooner or later, all perfectionists begin to feel tired, anxious and hopeless. Often there are various health problems against the background of chronic stress and exhaustion: headaches, weakness, exacerbations of chronic diseases. Against the background of constant stress, the development of neurosis is very likely. Scientific studies have confirmed that among perfectionists there are many people who suffer from serious anxiety and depressive disorders. Psychologists advise perfectionists to follow these recommendations:

• Learn to distinguish goals according to their degree of importance, prioritize and distribute your efforts in the best way.
• Learn to relax. Alternate stress and rest to maintain physical and emotional health.
• Stop comparing yourself to other people. Recognize and appreciate your own uniqueness and the uniqueness of others. Rejoice in both your own and other people's successes, not scolding yourself for failures, but perceiving them as an integral, normal part of life.
• Praise yourself. Learn to see in yourself not only shortcomings, but also advantages that are not related to achievements and success. Become more forgiving of shortcomings and remind yourself of your strengths more often.
• Learn to enjoy life. Find a hobby, activities for the soul - for the sake of enjoyment, and not for the sake of achieving results.

A perfectionist is a person who strives for perfection. Who is he?

“Perfectionism is an essential characteristic of mechanistic thinking. It does not recognize mistakes, uncertainty, uncertainty, obscure situations are avoided ... But when applied to nature, this inevitably leads to error. Nature is imprecise. Nature does not act mechanically, but functionally”
Wilhelm Reich

Introduction

Perfectionism. What it is? What is at its core? How to manage people who are called perfectionists? And what, finally, to do if it turned out that you yourself are one?

Let's start in order.

Each of us knows people who constantly strive to achieve excellence. Regardless of how justified and necessary in this situation. When such people are entrusted with any task, it is safe to say that when, after the deadline, you come for your order, it will still not be ready. Why? Because even when you forcefully pull your order out of his hands, the perfectionist will try to put the finishing touches and find more and more new places that, in his opinion, can be improved.

So what is "perfectionism"? The word perfectionism comes from the English word "perfect" - perfection. Those. Perfectionism is the pursuit of perfection.

From a psychological point of view, it is based on the desire for praise. And sometimes fear. And they, in turn, are based on low self-esteem and general insecurity of the individual. In fact, these are two different mechanisms for the occurrence of one phenomenon.

Let's consider them in turn.

Description of Fear

For example, if a person does some work and does not know whether they will accept it or scold him, then he has a feeling of fear. Fear of rejection, abuse. In addition, rejection and abuse can deal an insecure person a tangible blow to his already low self-esteem. Therefore, not knowing the criteria by which his work will be evaluated, he can hit the endless improvement. And it will always seem to him that this is not enough. That this might not be enough. And each time, not having a clear idea of ​​the desired result, goal, the perfectionist will move the bar back. Lifting her higher and higher.

Description of Praise

If he is sure that his level is such that ANY of his work will be accepted, then there may already be a desire that all those around him who accept, and especially those who understand (all the difficulty and genius of the work and the employee) exclaim: “Wow!” - praised. That's when perfectionism kicks in.

Revealing Praise

Such a person is afraid that he will not be noticed. The very thought that perhaps he is a gray mediocrity is unbearable for him. On the inside, he has a high opinion of himself and his abilities. And in most cases, it really is. But, due to a poor understanding of the essence of the processes taking place in the external world, reality, he does not manage to get those external results that confirm his opinion.

In fact, his main problem is that his idea of ​​reality has little to do with reality itself. And since it doesn’t even occur to most people to think about how true their ideas about life are, how much their idea of ​​​​reality corresponds to reality itself, then they can only try to fit the outside world to their internal ideas. Wanting reality to start to match their idea of ​​it.

But instead of throwing ashes on your head with every successive failure and again and again shouting about the imperfection of the world, it would be worthwhile to think a little and critically rethink those beliefs and worldviews that were involved in this situation. With a high degree of probability, the source of the problems will be found here. This probability is the higher, the more often in similar situations a person fails.

What does a perfectionist want to achieve by trying to gain praise and stand out from the crowd by improving the quality of their work?

He wants to receive those external signs and facts that would confirm his high opinion of himself. For example, in the form of the same praise, recognition, respect.

Because only when our opinion is confirmed by external factors, we can say to ourselves with a clear conscience: “My opinion is correct because it is confirmed by so-and-so. It has been proven in practice." And having established himself in his opinion, he will calm down.

By the way, the love for attention, admiration and worship of others is based precisely on low self-esteem and internal insecurity. Especially when this desire extends even to people who are not personally interesting to this person. "I want to please EVERYONE!" - the slogan of uncertainty. Outwardly, such a person can give the impression of confidence itself. But this is only what psychologists call the term "hypercompensation." When painful experiences (in this case, about their own insecurity) try to hide from themselves and from others by cultivating opposite traits in themselves.