The calculation of alimony maintenance for children from different marriages raises many questions, both for their legal representatives and payers.

The calculation of alimony for children from one marriage is quite transparent and is based on legal norms. The logic of the document assumes that the content is distributed evenly, regardless of whether children are born in the same marriage or in different ones.

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In practice, things are different. Due to various factors and when using the opportunities provided by the second paragraph of the same article of the Code, the alimony maintenance for children from different marriages is often assigned unequal.

What does the new law say

The state guarantees children maintenance from the parent who has ceased cohabitation with them. According to legal norms, maintenance is an obligation that the parent is subject to until the child reaches. It is also necessary to provide for those children who, regardless of age, are disabled for health reasons.

Amendments in 2019 threaten an even greater burden on alimony payers for children from one or more marriages:

The first thing that will change is the age of minors in need of support	According to the new amendments, maintenance payments can be extended until the child reaches the age 24 years old. To do this, he must study at a specialized secondary or higher educational institution in full-time department.
The second important addition to the family code is housing alimony.	They will be appointed by a court decision if the parent with whom the child was left cannot provide him with housing due to material or other problems. The alimony payer will be entrusted with an additional obligation to create decent living conditions for the child.
Changes to Fixed Support Amounts	It is supposed to assign a minimum amount threshold. Most likely, this threshold will be equal to 15000 rubles.
The conditions for paying child support for the unemployed will change	Calculations will now be based not on the minimum wage, but on the average for the region. As a result, the amount will increase significantly.

These amendments to the Family Code are still under discussion. But even now it can be predicted that many of them will soon be included in the new alimony law.

The legislative framework

When considering cases involving alimony for children from different marriages, they are based on three basic documents:

• a set of laws on family affairs - the Family Code;
• a decision explaining the type of income from which the payer is obliged to deduct maintenance to children;
• an order protecting the rights of the payer.

The main law according to which alimony is assigned is the Family Code. It defines the principles for calculating the amount of alimony, the methods and procedure for payment. Based on this set of laws, all legal issues related to the need to increase or decrease payments are resolved. The fifth chapter of the Code is devoted to the provisions on maintenance obligations.

The next document that is used to ensure the fulfillment of alimony obligations is Government Decree No. 841. This decree underlies the assessment of income, which should be the basis for the payment of alimony.

To put it briefly, alimony must be deducted from any income, whether it is permanent or periodic. Alimony is also paid from one-time income from the sale or exchange of property.

Despite the fact that it is the responsibility of the person burdened with alimony to deduct a share of any income, in practice, the collection occurs only from the official salary, since the payers try to hide the rest of the income.

The federal law that determines the income of the payer in favor of children is number 229. The document guarantees the payer the minimum material support necessary to maintain his own standard of living. It is legally prohibited to deduct more than 70% of all income received by the payer as alimony.

What determines child support from different marriages

Legal difficulties in alimony cases do not arise if the spouses separated by mutual agreement, have no claims against each other and agreed on the joint maintenance of the child. If at the same time both agree with, and the minor is provided with a decent standard of living, then often the agreements are not even drawn up, but are oral. Unfortunately, such arrangements are either rare or short-lived.

Often the rivalry between the former wives of one man continues after the dissolution of marriages and is reflected in the maintenance of children.

General formalities

Based on the Family Code, the payment of alimony can be assigned as part of the payer's income, a fixed amount, in a mixed way:

Share of income of the payer	Formally, when using this form of deduction, alimony should be calculated according to the following scheme: amount to a quarter of the payer's salary; on - a third (for 1/6 parts) of earnings; on - half (1/6 parts) of earnings; If there are more children, then half of the payer's earnings are divided by the number of children. There was at the same time one marriage or several does not matter.
Fixed amount	the name is nominal, since its value changes periodically. This form of alimony can be chosen by the payer with the voluntary agreement of the parties. A fixed sum of money may be awarded by the court when: the payer's income is not constant; the payer works unofficially; the parent receives a salary in kind or currency. The determination of the amount is calculated based on the share of the minimum wage in the region (SMIC) and the cost of living in the country. With this form of payment, the amount of alimony is periodically indexed, depending on changes in the size of the minimum wage and the cost of the food basket.
mixed way	The mixed payment option is used when the official income level of the payer does not allow the child to receive decent support. In this case, a fixed percentage is deducted from the parent's earnings and an additional payment to alimony in the form of a fixed amount is additionally assigned. However, any distribution scheme will only work if all former spouses filed alimony claims with the payer at the same time and on the same terms. Since this is not possible, formal approaches to the calculation of alimony are adjusted by the circumstances in which the decision on the amount of support is made.

Collection conditions

The law allows you to demand the establishment of maintenance for a minor from the father or mother directly in marriage, after its termination and even when it was not concluded:

Alimony in marriage	Separate norms of the Family Code allow you to receive maintenance without dissolving the marriage. Most often, such a penalty condition is applied if the marriage exists only on paper, the spouses do not run a common household. But it is possible to determine maintenance payments even if one of the spouses fully entrusts the maintenance of the family or common children to the second, he himself evades these duties. When a man already pays alimony to children from a previous marriage, the official spouse can apply for alimony: at it and before reaching ; when caring for a child with disabilities; in case of disability; if she or the child needs expensive treatment. In order to receive alimony in marriage, it is necessary to prove that the one who insists on maintenance is materially in need and is not able to support himself on his own.
Alimony without marriage	Parents are responsible for the maintenance of their children, whether they are married or not. It is on this legal norm that the opportunity to apply for alimony is based. In order to be guaranteed alimony from the father, it is necessary to prove legally that the child is his. The easiest way is if the children are recognized as the father and the data on the civil husband is entered in their Birth Certificates. Otherwise, the fact of paternity will have to be proven in court. You will need evidence of cohabitation, witnesses of family relationships. Documents that can confirm the relationship of children with parents in a lawsuit in an alimony case: birth certificate, where the payer is listed as one of the parents; a certificate from the registry office or a court decision that confirms the establishment of paternity; certificate of adoption of a minor or disabled child. Genetic testing can help prove paternity.
Alimony upon divorce	In the absence of a voluntary settlement agreement on the payment of alimony, you can sue for their determination as soon as the marriage is dissolved and within three subsequent years. The law allows you to claim material maintenance for the entire period.
Features of the accrual process	In the case of children from different marriages, the easiest situation is when the mother has children from different fathers. If at the same time men have no other maintenance obligations, the mother will receive 25% of the salary of each father. It is more difficult to calculate payments if a man has several children from different marriages. This is due to the fact that the maintenance of children is assigned sequentially, often with a large interval of time. As a rule, 25% of the salary is assigned to the first child. Each consideration of the maintenance case for subsequent children should theoretically reduce the content of the previous ones, according to the law. In order for this theory to be put into practice, when assigning alimony, a man must each time inform the court about the presence of other children and about how much interest he already deducts for alimony. If this is not done, you will have to pay 25% of the salary for each child. Usually the judge makes this question mandatory when considering the case. But there are times when they forget to ask about previous children. The form of alimony for children from several marriages may be different. If the first child is assigned a share of the payer's earnings, the next child may be assigned payment in the established amount of money. According to the law, the date of commencement of the recovery of alimony is the date of application to the court. The reduction and their increase depends on two factors: the material and physical condition of the payer and the material and physical condition of the children in need of maintenance. When the position of the payer changes for the better, or the other side - for the worse - alimony can be. And vice versa, if the quality of life of the payer has worsened, or the living conditions of the child have improved, maintenance payments are possible. To initiate the process of changing the amount of payments, the interested party must apply to the court.

Possible sizes and calculations

You can clearly explain the procedure for calculating maintenance obligations for children born in different marriages using examples that take into account different forms of payments:

Example No. 1 - allowable share of the payer's salary	The defendant was issued court decisions to pay maintenance for three children from two marriages in the amount of 50% of income. Respondent's income for the current month: salary minus 13% tax, in the amount of 16,780 rubles; bonus at the end of the month 2140 rubles; income from renting an apartment is 10,000 rubles. The total income will be: 16780 + 2140 + 10000 = 28920 rubles. The amount payable under maintenance obligations: 28920 x 50% = 14460 rubles. TOTAL: Each child will receive alimony in the amount of: 14460 / 3 = 4820 rubles.
Example No. 2 - the share of the payer's salary exceeds 70%	In addition to existing obligations (50% of income), he came with a requirement to deduct a child support share from a third marriage in the amount of 25%. The total income has not changed = 28920 rubles. Moreover, if you fulfill the conditions of all writ of execution, it turns out that it is necessary to deduct 50% of income = 14460 rubles for three children, and 25% of income = 7230 rubles for the fourth child. In total, this will amount to 21,690 rubles, which corresponds to 75% of the payer's income. The law does not allow such actions, so payments will have to be reduced proportionally. The maximum allowable amount for deduction will be: 28920 x 70% = 20244 rubles. The calculation should proceed as follows: The maximum allowable amount is multiplied by the amount prescribed for deduction for each child individually. The result is divided by the total amount of the payment ordered by the court. In total, each of the three children will receive 20244x4820/21690 = 4498 rubles. The fourth child will receive: 20244x7230/21690 = 6748 rubles. Total debts for each of the three children will amount to 4820 - 4498 = 332 rubles, the debt for the fourth child - 7230 - 6748 = 482 rubles. According to this example, debts will accumulate and, if they are not paid, will be collected from other sources of the payer.
Example #3 - fixed amount	When calculating, the court proceeded from the minimum wage in the region. If the court establishes an obligation to pay alimony in a fixed amount for two children from different marriages in the amount of 33% of the minimum wage, then each child must receive 1/6 of the minimum wage. For 2019, the minimum wage in the Russian Federation was 7,500 rubles. For each of the children, the payer will have to deduct: 7500 / 6 \u003d 1250 rubles, for both - 2500 rubles. An increase in the minimum wage will lead to an increase in the amount of payment and vice versa. It is worth noting that from 2019, an amendment may be introduced that will establish a lower threshold for the amount of alimony for each child equal to the subsistence level.

Number in the family

The more children from different marriages the payer has left, the greater the amount payable:

Two	If there are two children, one from two marriages, this is the simplest situation for calculating the amount of alimony. The first child is assigned 25% of the salary. When applying for alimony by the second ex-wife, she also expects 25% of the defendant's salary. The law allows such a deduction, because it does not exceed half of the payer's earnings. If the defendant proves that he does not have sufficient income, then by law the maintenance assigned to the first child can be reduced to 1/6 of the payer's earnings. In this case, the second child will also be assigned maintenance in 1/6 of his income. Thus, the court equalizes children in rights.
Three	According to the law, the share of alimony for three children is half of the payer's income. Each child must receive 1/6 of the parent's income. The principle of equality, according to legal norms, will be preserved. That is, the 25% of earnings assigned to the first child will be reduced to 1/6 of the share when it becomes necessary to support the second and third children. The total deductions in this case will be 50% of the parent's income. If three children are born in three different marriages, the court can assign each 25% of the father's income as alimony and the total amount of payments will exceed the allowable 70% of earnings. In this case, the father's debt will accumulate and be collected later at the expense of the additional income of the payer or his property.
Four	Four or more children receive maintenance on a parity basis. The more children, the less maintenance they can expect. According to the law, each of four children can receive 1/8, from five - 1/10, from six - 1/12 of the parent's income.

This is the basic principle of calculations.

The second paragraph of article 81 of the Family Code allows you to make adjustments to the determination of the amount of alimony, which will make the shares of children unequal:

Cases where an increase in the amount of payments is allowed:	significant changes in the quality of life of the child associated with health; significant deterioration in the financial situation of the child; temporary disability of the child's legal representative due to illness or serious injury; the resulting disability of the parent with whom the child was left.
Cases where a reduction in the amount of payments is allowed:	the appearance of another child by the payer; significant reduction in total income or loss of employment; the emergence of additional obligations, such as maintenance or caring for close relatives dependent on the payer; evidence that the minor has started working and is able to provide for himself; an increase in the child's income, for example, the appearance of property that brings more profit or inheritance.
When payments stop:	the child reaches the age of majority and becomes able to work or is recognized as emancipated under 18; the minor is adopted; one of the parties dies.

Determining the amount of payments for each child is decided on an individual basis and takes into account many factors, which is why payments for children in different marriages may vary

Arbitrage practice

Judicial practice shows that it is much easier to achieve an increase in child support payments than to reduce the amount with a court decision already made:

Situation 1	The father was assigned alimony for the first child in the amount of 25% of the first marriage and 25% of the second marriage. In his third marriage, he had a child, and the alimony payer filed a lawsuit to reduce payments. The court decided to leave the amount of alimony maintenance unchanged, since the defendant could not prove that at the birth of a child, his financial situation deteriorated significantly. Conclusion: despite the fact that the birth of a child may serve as a basis for reducing child support, it is necessary to prove the impossibility of supporting children from previous marriages for the same level.
Situation 2	The court determined the alimony allowance for two children of the defendant from different marriages in equal shares, corresponding to 1/6 of the share of his income. One of the children was seriously injured and needed long and expensive treatment. His mother filed a lawsuit for an increase in child support, presenting medical records and receipts for medicines. The court refused to increase the share of alimony payments, but appointed a fixed amount that the father must pay until the end of the child's treatment. Conclusion: this is a vivid example of the fact that by proving the need to increase alimony, you can receive compensation, if not in an increase in the share, then in a fixed amount of money.
Situation 3	The alimony payer paid by court decision for two children from his first marriage 33% of earnings. After the dissolution of the second marriage, the last wife filed for alimony for two more children. The defendant demanded to reduce maintenance payments to 1/8 share for each child. The court decided to pay the children from the second marriage 1/8 of the share - a quarter of all the father's income. The court considered it impossible to reduce the share of children from the first marriage; it remained at the level of 1/6 of the payer's income for each child. Conclusion: with a good financial situation of the payer, it is almost impossible to reduce the share of alimony payments.

Alimony is a painful topic for both women and men.

And if the separation is not the first time, and there are several children in different marriages, then the question arises, how much will dad pay, and what can a mother who is left without a husband count on.

Dear readers! Our articles talk about typical ways to resolve legal issues, but each case is unique.

If you want to know how to solve exactly your problem - contact the online consultant form on the right or call the numbers below. It's fast and free!

It should be remembered that it is not necessarily the man who pays alimony, but the one of the parents who lives separately, without children. Alimony is provided for offspring who are under 18 years old.

How is alimony divided for children from different marriages?

Legislative financial provision of children after regulated by Art. 80-81 RF IC. The principle of calculating alimony is as follows: a portion of the income of a loving dad determined by law for alimony deductions divided accordingly between the number of children in each marriage.

For example, if a man has 3 children (two kids in his first marriage, one in his second marriage), then by law, he must pay no more than 50% of his total income for the maintenance of offspring. Thus, each cub accounts for 16.6%.

Means, accounting will send to the first wife for 2 children 33%, and the second ex-wife can spend the remaining 16.6% of dad's earnings on your boy.

This means that if dad continues to have offspring in each successive marriage, then each of the children will suffer financially in previous marriages.

If offspring 2, 3, 4 or more

So, the father is obliged (if there is no agreement) pay as a percentage of your total income(wages, dividends, pensions, scholarships, etc.) monthly:

1. for one child - 25%;
2. for two children - 33%;
3. for three, four or more children - 50% of income.

If a two children, but they are from different mothers from different marriages, then the total deductions from his income according to the law are exactly 1/3, that is, each child will get 1/6 of the part. According to this principle payments for the maintenance of children in all marriages of a man are distributed.

These are the minimum allowances. Daddy can agree to a large share of deductions in favor of the kids, but here the law comes to his protection.

Article 138 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation limits deductions for children. They cannot exceed 70% of the father's total income. For the remaining 30%, he must live on his own.

Payment by application or by court order

It is possible to issue a mutual, certified by a notary, on the amount and date of receipt of funds for the maintenance of joint offspring. Such a document in itself has legal powers equal in strength to a writ of execution (Article 109 of the RF IC).

Child Support Agreement Form: Sample Download

Alimony for two, three, four children through a justice of the peace

It is possible to do without judicial red tape, if there are no questions about establishing paternity or motherhood or other complications, then to claim alimony you can apply to the magistrate for a court order.

In this case, there will be no meetings, showdowns, and no later than 5 days later you can receive a court order with the functions of a writ of execution. This is the simplest, fastest and hassle-free method of claiming material support for a child from the father.

There are pitfalls in this method: if the alimony is not transferred within 10 days, counting from the appointed date, then the court order is withdrawn as a means that has not justified itself, and you will still need to go to court.

Form of claim for a child, as well as 2 or more children: Download.

By writ of execution from the court

Serving petition to the magistrates' court, where the trial will take place in full, taking into account the general rules.

The outcome of the judgment will be a decision on which a writ of execution should be obtained and handed over to the bailiffs to the service at the place of residence of the alimony payer.

The court may also assign a larger amount of payments for children than the minimum interest.. It all depends on earnings, living conditions of the husband and his families in previous marriages, and also on the number of dependents on the alimony's neck at the moment.

On what income is alimony calculated?

It is indiscriminately believed that payments for children should be accrued from all types of income, but this is not entirely true.

The exact information on which funds should be withheld alimony, and from which not, is set out in the list approved by the Government of the Russian Federation in its Decree No. 841 of 07/18/1996.

For the use of the bailiff service issued Federal Law "On Enforcement Proceedings", where all the subtleties of this issue are explained.

In general, it can be argued that deductions will be made from salaries, pensions, scholarships, allowances, stock dividends, business income, etc. Only lump-sum amounts, such as bonuses or other types of income, are not taken into account.

Distribution of maintenance of children according to the law

All children born to the same father should be provided equally - this is what the law says represented by Article 81 of the RF IC. According to this rule, for each cub, the father must pay 1/6 of his income.

If a woman has children from different marriages, then each of the fathers pays his blood offspring 25% if he has one cub, and 1/6 each when there are two or more children.

A woman who has children from different marriages should know that the amount of alimony for each child will be different and it depends on the income of ex-husbands. The kid whose dad earns more can be better provided for.

;

a person receives a high income, and his interest payments are an amount that is much more than reasonable for the maintenance of the offspring;

if children are fully supported by the state, and the mother does not spend money on them;

income from the property of one of the children exceeds the amount of payments;

alimony wages dropped sharply and significantly, etc.

How to find out alimony arrears can be in this.

Wherein no need to specifically and artificially look for a reason to reduce payments, it does not add dignity and honor. But if there really is an unbearable financial situation, then you should try to sue the level of payments.

When the situation stabilizes, then it will be possible to increase the monetary content on children.

My eldest daughter Lyubasha was in the spotlight for 12 years of her life - and only in the thirteenth year did she have a sister, Sasha.

Of course, jealousy is present, why dissemble. Lyubasha was not mentally prepared for this - simply because it is impossible to mentally prepare, this is only personal experience. And she also has a transitional age, the denial of everything that is possible. I do not pedal, of course, I defend only what is needed - school affairs, study.

When Maxim and I got married, Lyuba's father was jealous that she would start calling the new person "dad". Maxim, on the other hand, was worried that he would not become an authority for my daughter, he even tried to educate her at first. While we were just talking, he did not particularly take root, but when we began to live together, he considered that he could already somehow show parental authority - completely, in my opinion, in vain. Of course, children cannot immediately accept another person, because all the same, the hope smolders in the child’s heart that mom and dad will get together - and everyone will again live together, as one family. The new man in the mother’s life completely kills this hope, the child has a tragedy, and if this person interferes with some of his own rules, everything only gets worse.

I think that new husbands should not withdraw from their upbringing, but rather they should have the role of creating family traditions - new traditions. To unite everyone, so that everyone has fun and rejoices. How new teams go somewhere on vacation to get to know each other better, make friends - this is called team building. And this same team building is also needed by the new family - and it is best to give all the initiative to the husband.

While Sasha is very small - she recently turned a year old - she requires maximum of my attention. Therefore, it is clear: now Sasha comes first, then Lyubasha, and then her husband and work. Of course, this offends my husband, but I explain to him that you are an adult, you can cope with this, you must understand this - because it is impossible to explain this to children.

I need to preserve what Lyubasha and I had before, we need to get out somewhere together - not three or four. For example, the last time we went to see Hayao Miyazaki's new cartoon, The Wind Rises. We have loved this director for a long time, Lyubasha was born just when the film "Spirited Away" was released, and since then we have watched all these cartoons together with her. And although the youngest was sick that day, I still decided to leave her for a few hours with a nanny, whom I trust very much, because it is very important to be only with the eldest, go to the cinema, discuss.

In the morning I get up with my eldest daughter and walk her to school. Of course, she can get up on her own, and she goes to school on her own - she is not far from home. But I do this solely because I know that the child needs it: for my mother to cook breakfast, gather food for school, hug, kiss. Even hurry up, slow down while she wakes up - and this is a kind of ritual that has developed over the years. It would be wrong to take all this and end it.

And we also talk a lot: about school, about her friends, relationships at school. This is not gossip, this is discussion. I do not scold her for her grades, I try to explain everything. Until a certain point, I controlled, checked the lessons - especially mathematics, until I realized that the function “I do mathematics myself” in Lyubasha completely atrophied, she began to make very stupid mistakes. Now I have more hope for my daughter - that she will cope.

So to everyone who is building a new family, where children from different marriages grow up, one big piece of advice: be patient. Even after a year or two, the child will not say about your chosen one: “Oh, how cool he is!”. My husband and I both argue and sort things out. Then Lyubasha looks at us and says: "My God, how difficult it is, I'm not sure that I want all this." This lapping has been going on for two years - and it's still going on.
photo shoot for Antenna magazine

24.03.2014 12:51:51,

"We immediately liked each other"

Liza, 16 years old: “We study at the same school and often meet there. And so - I come to them every week, or we just go somewhere together, with dad and mom. I used to see Sonya at school, but we didn't know each other. And then we met and immediately liked each other. We are very good friends and often see each other after school or call each other to talk. I also have a brother and a sister on my father's side and a brother on my mother's side with whom I live. We are all very friendly, both parents and children.

Sonya, 13 years old: “We have a very good relationship, close, more like sisters. From the first day we met, we immediately became friends. Liza and I talk about everything: about books, about mutual acquaintances, about everything that comes to mind. Very often Lisa stays with us to spend the night. Once we were left alone with her, my parents stayed at a party, and we began to watch a thriller. It was very scary and great!”

Sonya, 13 years old "Lisa is my closest friend"

Liza, 16 years old “We have a lot of fun together, with Sonya I can talk about everything”

“I tell everyone that Rita is my sister, although in fact she is the daughter of my father's new wife. At first, I didn’t really like that she now lives with us, but then I got used to it,” says 6-year-old Yulia about her 8-year-old half-sister. “Consolidated” are those who are not related by blood ties, but as a result of a new marriage of parents, they become part of the same family. At first, they may experience conflicting feelings for each other: new circumstances overturn everything that until now seemed unshakable. And the task of adults is to help children cope with a new life situation, to promote the emergence of a real family connection between them, relationships of warmth and mutual support.

Create Relationships

Is true friendship possible between half-siblings? “It occurs only if children spend a lot of time together,” says child psychologist Elena Moskaleva. “The more events and personal stories unite them, the smaller the difference in age, the more brotherly, trusting relationships are established between them.”

Relationships can be trusting, friendly. But also neutral, competitive and avoidant too. Of course, they change over time and are not always mutual. Be that as it may, for each child, the restructuring of the family is a complex process leading to the establishment of new emotional ties.

Pin Roles

What kind of relationship will develop between children depends largely on their interests, on the attention of parents to them, as well as on the family history of each child. The place that the child will take in the new family hierarchy is important: the eldest can suddenly become the middle or the youngest, and vice versa, which often provokes conflict and resentment. As an older sister, 8-year-old Lena always defended the younger Yegor. But when their mother remarried, the stepfather's daughter, 13-year-old Larisa, appeared in the family. So Lena was overthrown from her throne. “Quarrels between girls happened more and more often,” recalls Lena's mother, 47-year-old Natalya. - At some point, I realized that I should secure the role of the older sister of her brother for my daughter. The clear demarcation of territories allowed all of us to breathe a sigh of relief.”

“At the age of 4–5, children get used to a new role more easily,” says Elena Moskaleva. - But for younger schoolchildren and teenagers, changing the status often turns out to be a serious test. Persistent attempts by a stepfather or stepmother to become a new parent increase the negative emotions of a teenager and can cause him to actively reject a new family member. Therefore, adults should start building relationships from a friendly position, and not from subordinating the younger to the older. “This will help children feel trust in the new parent and gradually recognize his authority,” says Elena Moskaleva. “It is important to preserve the value system that operated in the biological family of the child,” adds Anzhela Paramonova, a child psychoanalyst. It helps the child to identify himself. It is on family values, as on the foundation, that his sense of security rests. And the new family should in no case cross out the old one from his life.

“We are friends, but we can argue”

Mikha, 9 years old: “We knew each other before, we visited each other. Therefore, when they began to live together, in general, everything was normal at once. It even became more convenient. We play normally, most often board games, Munchkin or Lego. I still play chess, but Misha used to play it before. But we rarely play chess with him. Sometimes we argue about some things. But, in general, we are friends. When people ask me if I have brothers or sisters, I answer that I have two brothers and another cousin.”

Misha, 11 years old: “We are very good friends with Mikha. We play, collect Lego. It’s a little more difficult to communicate with Lesha, but I’m great with Miha. We can tinker all together or think of something else. But we have very little free time. Lots of clubs and activities. If someone offended Mikha, I would, of course, intercede for him. But he is engaged in wrestling, he has an orange belt. So, most likely, he will cope on his own. ”

Deal with jealousy

Competing for the love of their parents, half-siblings stand up for themselves, but at the same time they suffer greatly. Everyone wants to get more love. “The child wages a constant war for the attention of“ his ”parent, and the most heated disputes flare up when comparing a stepfather with a father or a stepmother with a mother,” confirms Elena Moskaleva. “Each of the children believes that his parent is better.” The cause of disagreements between children may be unresolved contradictions between former spouses. “It is easier for children to transfer their internal discord to relations with half-brothers and sisters than to admit that one of the parents is wrong,” says Anzhela Paramonova. “The situation is even more complicated if one of the adults resists too close friendship of his child with new relatives.”

Shadow of incest

It happens that friendly relations between “almost brothers and sisters” turn into something more. It is, of course, about love. “I was 16 and Zhenya 18 when our parents got married,” recalls Maria, 30. - Our sympathy very quickly grew into love. When Zhenya told them that we had been dating for a long time, they were shocked.” Eugene and Maria got married, despite the obvious disapproval of their parents.

Most of our experts consider the love relationship between stepbrother and sister to be incest. And they say that the creation of a new couple by parents leads to a ban on love relationships between children from their past marriages, even despite the absence of biological relationship between them. “Regardless of the age at which children become members of the same family, sexual relations between them are destructive to their personality,” explains Anzhela Paramonova. - Unconscious reasons for such love may be the Oedipus complex, and rivalry with the "new" parent. Jealousy, envy, vindictiveness lead to suffering. Parents should prohibit any manifestation of sexuality between stepchildren.

“Deep love feelings between step-brothers and sisters can only arise when a new marriage of parents falls on the teenage years of children,” says Elena Moskaleva. - They can no longer recognize a stranger as a brother or sister, for them this is just an acquaintance with a peer. The meeting of children becomes a mirror repetition of the love meeting of parents. And since relationships with the opposite sex are the most significant during adolescence, it is extremely easy to fall in love with someone who is nearby. If parents see that love relationships are developing between teenagers, it is necessary to clearly outline the boundaries of what is permitted.

New kids in a new family

The birth of a common child in a new family can be a real test for older children. The feeling of jealousy of the elder in relation to the younger is complicated here by the feeling of belonging to another, “dark” period in the life of the parents. Envy appears - after all, a baby, unlike them, has both a mother and a father at home. Psychotherapist Marcel Rufo advises parents, both "real" and "not real", to find time and discuss the new situation with older children, so that it is easier for them to go through this complex mixture of emotions and see the positive aspects of brotherhood. Marcel Rufo "Brothers and sisters, the disease of love" (U-Factoria, 2006).

Time to get used to each other

Do children in a new family have to be friends? “This is another illusion of many parents,” our experts say. Parents need to realize that the creation of a new family is their desire, which does not necessarily coincide with the desire of children. Therefore, adults should clearly state the rule: everyone should respect the other, and the rest - friendship, affection - as it will. The feeling of belonging to a new family always arises gradually. “The behavior of adults determines how comfortable children will be in new circumstances,” emphasizes family therapist Marcel Rufo. - They should unite them, realizing that the desire to get to know each other better can arise only when the children see each other often. New parents should think about how best to organize vacations, trips, meetings that are completely dedicated to children.

But every child needs his own space and one-on-one communication with his own father or mother. Otherwise, he may have a feeling of loss, loneliness and uselessness in a new family. 16-year-old Marina would not exchange for anything in the world the week that she and her mother spend only together during the holidays: “Do not be like this - ours and no one else's! - days, I would be jealous of her and the new husband, and his daughters.

But even outwardly smooth relations continue to be fragile. Children from different marriages end up together, but do not "merge". And conflicts between them can arise at any time. The coordinated actions of parents and a fair attitude towards children will help build a friendly family and bring children closer to each other. The experience gained together, common successes, the same level of education - all this strengthens the brotherhood of children with different characters, each of whom lived his own life story before meeting their parents.

Is it necessary to introduce children from different marriages?

Hello. I am writing in the hope of finding some thread in unraveling our problem. So I'm looking forward to the answers.

My husband has a second marriage with me. We have a 4 year old daughter together. My husband has a 7 year old son from his first marriage. Children don't know about each other. Although they are still small, I feel that they should know about each other as early as possible, then they will take it for granted, and it will not be a shock to them. But the ex-wife categorically forbids dedicating her child to these revelations, almost with a threat that she will forbid her father to see him, she is afraid for the psyche. The husband sees his son every weekend, it looks like this - his parents bring the child to their home and they meet there. The father and son have complete mutual understanding, he is an authority for the boy. The ex-wife takes revenge to some extent - her husband left her for me (it happens sometimes in life that people find each other too late) But the children grow up ...

Our friends have a similar situation, but there the child from the first marriage comes to the second family of the father. My husband really wants his situation to be the same. He does not communicate with his ex-wife, everything is through his mother. And he sees no point in talking with her on this topic - he feels the result in advance.

What do you think, is it necessary for children to know that they have a sister or brother? And when and how to tell them about it, and whether it is necessary to acquaint?

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