Question to the psychologist:
Hello! A year and a half ago, I met a guy online. We talked for a while, then he moved to Moscow. And he began to call me with him. I said that if his intentions are serious, he should go to my parents. In May of this year, he came with his parents to mine. It was decided that I was going to Moscow as a bride. I left all my family, relatives, friends. Now I have a terrible homesickness inside of me. I can’t do anything, and if I do, longing still comes back. I'm ready to howl and climb the walls. Called my mother. She persuades me to stay, because Moscow is more promising than our city, and the standard of living is different. I don't care. I had a good time in my city. Mom tells me to take a closer look at this man. Only sadness returns to me. She also tells me that I will not get married if I leave. Since I left all the previous partners myself. They were indifferent to me. I respect this man, he is wise and caring. But I'm just as indifferent, he does not cause warm feelings in me. Help.
The psychologist Cherkasova Elena Nikolaevna answers the question.
Hello Olga. In your appeal you ask to help you, however, you do not write in what way. As a professional, I am very worried about your attitude towards men, which is expressed in the complete absence of feelings: "Since I left all the previous partners myself. They were indifferent to me. I respect this man, he is wise and caring. But I am also indifferent, He doesn't make me feel warm." And I'm wondering what it could be related to. This is one way to help you. If you are interested in a specific situation - to stay in Moscow with this young man or leave, then let's try to reason. What are the advantages of staying in Moscow? 1. Perspectives. But no. You don't need it: "I called my mother. She persuades me to stay, because Moscow is more promising than our city, and the standard of living is different. I don't care. I was not bad in my city either." 2. Marriage with a decent young man. However, this does not fit either: "She also tells me that I will not get married if I leave. Only melancholy returns to me." 3. Live independently, apart from the parental family and the immediate environment. And this is not about you: “I left all my family, relatives, friends. Now I have a terrible homesickness inside me. I can’t do anything, and if I do, longing still comes back. I’m ready to howl and climb the walls” So oh what is there to think about? You have no advantage, no reason to stay. Or is there something that you kept silent about, and that makes you still doubt?
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It often happens that in search of happiness, a woman decides to move to her beloved man in another city or even in another country. This serious decision is not taken immediately, especially when it comes to adults who have achieved something and have something. But, unfortunately, as a rule, women, when making a decision, think only about their own or his feelings. We can - we can’t, we love - we don’t love, we save - we won’t save ... Thinking only about maintaining relationships, a woman almost never thinks about the standard of living, about its quality, which she will have in a new place. If a man is not a beggar and he has a good job, making a decision is simplified - we can handle it, a woman in love thinks, a year and a half after meeting, packing her bags.
At the same time, I'm talking about those women who have something to leave. This is a stable job, a family, adults, but - children, elderly parents, siblings, friends, personal connections and connections - friends, a gynecologist-cosmetologist-stomatologist, a sports club not far from home, a ski run in ten minutes in winter, in summer - “weekends” in nature, on your favorite sea - the best place on earth, a bath with a company once every couple of weeks, going to the theater and cinema, gatherings in a bar with your best friends “a la Sex and the City”, bustling life, “built » over the years.
So, what comes in a new place when the chemistry of feelings ends and ordinary life begins? What did I do wrong? What should not be allowed in any case ... More on that below.
1. Civil marriage
No moving to a man in another city without official marriage! Do you leave everything you had and go to his new place just to live? A year or two, and then, if it does not work out, you will return and start all over again? Can you afford it? Then please. Or are you still going to the man of your dreams to live happily ever after and die on the same day? This is more likely than the first. Then check this issue before you start to collect things.
"Darling, will we formalize the relationship?" “No, what are you .. I just want to live with you and see how useful you will be to me ... And the fact that you left everything for me is normal, I'm incredibly cool, just being next to me is an incredible honor for you and is worth your whole life and the life of your family. Besides, I’ll definitely give you food…”
It all depends on the source data. If you live in a city dump outside the city somewhere in the region of the Khakassian steppes, a TV box serves as your home, and you eat right there in the dump, taking food from crows, then “moving to ANOTHER city” may be and will be useful to you. You will have a roof over your head, a refrigerator, a comfortable toilet, a bathroom... In this case, you probably shouldn't count on an official marriage with the kind man who sheltered you. What if your situation is different?
Your decision to move is the bomb. This is an absolute rejection of everything that you had before this decision. Do you give everything for someone to try to live with you? And he does not want to bear any responsibility for this? Not before God, not before the law.
If he did not meet you at the airport in polished shoes, in a suit and with a rose in his teeth and did not take you immediately to the registry office, immediately turn around and fly back.
BUT! He meets you in shorts, a T-shirt and, scratching your belly, says: “Come on faster, I didn’t put the car in the parking lot, let’s run ...”. Immediately turn around and fly back.
An official marriage, whatever one may say, registration in a new place, the right to property that you will buy and build together, this is the protection of your future, which, of course, both of you now see together and much more. Does he think otherwise? Immediately turn around and fly back.
2. Medical care
Question for my husband. Where is the dental clinic where you usually treat your teeth? Answer - Well, I pulled my teeth there and there. Q: You don't have your own doctor??? Answer - No. Somehow I manage .. Instead of the next question, you are in shock.
The same goes for any medical service. For an adult woman - the lack of regular, reliable medical prevention, no matter what it concerns - is a matter of a decline in the quality of life. Moreover, threatening the most expensive - health.
One of my acquaintances, who has all of the above at home, quickly fell into a love relationship with a person who has been living in Europe for a long time. A stormy romance began, and after a rather long time of love relationships, she was almost about to move in with him. Romance and love were in full swing, they were happy remotely, periodically meeting in different cities and countries, planning to spend the rest of their lives together. Then she had not yet visited him, she only knew that this was a small cozy town in the south of Bavaria, about the life in which she was already beginning to dream a little. Once, in a conversation with her beloved on the phone, she heard a sound in the background. "What is it? What's going on in there?" she asked. “This is a helicopter, medical aviation,” he replied. “The neighbor is sick and the helicopter landed on the roof to transport the patient.” “Why a helicopter? Do you have any doctors there?” My friend was surprised. “Well, yes, it’s just that the center is far away, they may not be taken by car ...” For a person who has lived in a city convenient for life since childhood, such a story can serve as a starting point for doubts that have begun. And so it happened in these relations. It’s good that the love chemistry had already passed by that time and people were soberly discussing how to create an alliance. Helicopter noise from the phone changed Mendelssohn's march to the death bell for this future marriage. They still communicate, he still cherishes hopes that she still decides to move, but there are things more important than romance. This is called - the standard of living, which can be imperceptibly lost in the pursuit of women's happiness.
3. Professional employment
My mother told me from childhood: “In no case do not get addicted to a man. The girl must have her own money. Any man on whom a woman is completely dependent will sooner or later turn into a pig. Gold words! Life constantly confirms this rule with real examples, with rare exceptions. Definitely: a woman should work. Is always. Not necessarily - to the machine, not necessarily - to the office. Let it be something handmade, a hobby, work on the Internet and so on. There must be - work, development in this work, and as a result - financial reward. In any case, there must be a receipt of funds in the account, regardless of what the husband gives or does not give. It's embarrassing to ask for money. Ugly, disgusting, not modern, not in an adult way.
When considering the issue of moving to a man in another city or another country, the issue of employment, professional suitability in a new place should be considered as one of the highest priorities. You can't go random. I’ll find something, I’ll think of something… Thank God, today, with the Internet, you can find anything and everything.
And not only work is important, but also how you will get to it, how much time you spend on the road and what to drive. For a person who is accustomed to leaving his home and driving his own car to the place of work in 5 minutes, it may be completely unacceptable that for the same Muscovites and residents of the Moscow region - it is natural since childhood - to leave the house, walk to the shuttle bus - trains (15 minutes), then go by train-bus for 30 minutes, and then by metro - 20 ...
Or by car in traffic jams - 2 hours.
4. Rest
If a person works during the week, then he is happy to wait for the weekend. Weekends can be spent in different ways. You can sleep until dinner, and then, lying in bed, watch TV until the evening, indulging in buns. You can get up early in the morning, sit on a boat without makeup (:-)) and sail into the ocean, meeting the dawn. You can grab a backpack collected from the evening and wind up some mountain, if it is nearby. Or you can just go to relatives in the village, fry barbecue, drink wine and talk about something pleasant ... To each his own. But one thing - no doubt - the weekend should be different from the working week. And the second - the weekend should be. So says a woman who had days off before moving.
And how does your chosen one, to whom you are going to move, spend his free time and his weekends? Believe me, this is also a very important point. And it also needs to be discussed. When you are used to skiing on Saturday in winter, and he wants to lie with you in bed, this can be tolerated at first. And in a year? And after two? Dear, let's go somewhere for the weekend .. Answer: Why? Let's lie down at home in front of the TV ...
The culture of spending the weekend for a person (in this case, a person - She, who moves in with a man) is also a part of life. Important. Sports weekends, cultural weekends, nature weekends, fishing weekends, long-distance weekends… Imagine your loved one not knowing anything about the weekend at all. Your parents have taught you this since childhood - Hooray! On Friday evening we are going, in the morning we take a couple of friends, and on Saturday morning - on a yacht for two days by sea with the whole family! Or so - you are already an adult, and on Saturdays you go to the theater. Or so - on Saturdays, my friends and I usually go to a Chinese restaurant. Or - on Friday evening we sing karaoke ... But you never know what can be saved up for some years there, when a woman has a certain lifestyle that she may not appreciate. And he will appreciate it only when he loses.
Ask your loved one. How are we going to spend the weekend? What do you usually do since Friday evening? And if you find that he has no idea what a weekend is, but for you it is an essential part of life when you “reset” after a working week, think about that too. Perhaps for him, the weekend is the phrase: “Honey, I'm at home! Where are my buns?" . And for you? Ready to change your lifestyle entirely?
5. Environment dash nostalgia
You are leaving for the man you love. He is a normal person, the same adult as you. He also has friends. You start to get bored in your own way before you have packed your suitcase. Missing loved ones, relatives, friends, familiar circle. Scary. Share this with your chosen one. He says - Do not worry, there are planes, there are telephones, in the end, you will communicate in the same way, with the same ones. Plus, you'll make new friends. No. You will not. And you won't.
Why? Because new friends don't know anything about you, they have too much to say about you. And your loved ones will be trivially in a different time zone, and when you have some experiences, they, for example, will sleep. Or you will sleep when something happens to them. And when you want to talk, they will have the height of the working day, and they will frankly have no time to talk. And it will be inconvenient for you to tear them off. And when they finish the height of the working day, it will begin with you. What happens when you are not talking to your friends? You are losing connection. Because communication is not just friendly tender feelings - it is knowledge about how a person lives, what happens in his daily life, where he went, whether his parents are sick, and so on.
When you arrive in a new place and get acquainted with a new circle, with the circle of your chosen one, their jealousy is inevitable. This jealousy will remain forever. You can have a great relationship, but you will remain a stranger to them. And in order not to lose yours, you need to constantly make serious efforts to overcome time zones. Be aware of their affairs and keep them informed of yours.
I'm not talking about the family, children, for example, even adults. Simple communication - the daughter ran to her mother for tea, and the mother to her daughter - will be impossible. For this simple, as it used to be, action, you need to sit in the waiting rooms, fly for many hours by plane, which is the worst thing - then fly away, say goodbye at the airport, swallowing tears, rather running away to the inspection point. Parting for close people, for really close people, when there is a real, not just family and blood connection - this is something for which, believe me, you can even give up female happiness. A conclusion proven by years of nostalgia.
It’s just that not everyone appreciates it when they have it, but if there is a family, a family with which they are truly close, leaving for another city for permanent residence is a small death that repeats all the time.
Are you women ready for this? Today, in a love fever, yes. And in a couple of years… And in five years? Believe me, this is something for which you can tell your loved one. "Yes I love you. But I can't leave my family for you. You better come to my city. Or - let's drop this idea. " Why not? We're talking about love! Remember, he loves you just as much as you love him. Why should you donate? For a woman, parting with her family is the worst sacrifice she can make for a man. Men swallow it, not thinking and not understanding that calling for parting with the family, he kills everything in her, and love too. Because everything that can happen to her children and loved ones in her absence will then fall on him as a heavy burden. In her eyes, he will be to blame, one hundred percent. But this understanding does not come immediately.
And now about the same thing, but in a slightly different aspect. You are not just a woman from another city. Every city has its own intellectual habitats. There are workers, there are collective farmers, there are scientists, there are artists. You are a woman from some intellectual sphere of a certain level. You grew up in this, some kind of environment is familiar to you. Certain language and rules. And you find yourself in another world where most do not speak your language, even if it is Russian.
It's good if you find a job in a new place, and there are about the same people, of your level, they just have a different registration .. Everything is the same, you're just in a new place. Absolute comfort. Haha! Yes, it's impossible! Even if you, a journalist from Novosibirsk, find yourself in the environment of St. Petersburg journalists, you will still have problems in communication. The mentality is different.
A nightmare when an intellectual finds himself among collective farmers or vice versa. Are you sure that your chosen one, who is so gentle and so good in bed today, will be able to protect your fragile ego pampered by the usual circle from another social group of the human community? Be sure of the opposite, sooner or later he will take the side of "his own".
A woman moving to a new place, to a new husband, just needs an intellectual foresight of her adaptation in a new environment. Avoid embellishments. Hard and without illusions. It is clear that she, in a state of love passion and in anticipation of changes, is not able to foresee anything. But it is important that someone close, who read these lines, told her - Honey, you will feel bad there, they will never understand you. Even if she does not immediately realize what it is about, but maybe, having realized it as soon as possible, she will be able to correct her mistake ...
If you see that some crazy lover wants to ruin her life for a man, move in with him and start everything in a new place from scratch, read this text to her, ask her not to do irreversible actions, and if she does, help her fix everything when she begins to understand that this is true.
No love is worth it if a woman begins to suffer "on all of the above points." Because if a man allowed all this, this is not love. It's just using another person for your own purposes. The man didn't lose anything.
P.S. The biggest mockery of her own life for an adult woman can be moving to another country, to a foreigner, a person of a different culture and a different language. Young people can't stand it, those who actually have nothing to lose yet. And for a woman over 40 - to marry a foreigner and leave her addictions and her decent lifestyle (if any) to a foreign husband - this is not even Russian roulette. It's just a gun to the temple and a point-blank shot. There are exceptions, I agree, again for those who fled from a not better life. Sometimes an inhospitable foreign land is more comfortable than the nightmare that surrounded her at home, if we talk about the initial data. But we're not talking about that. We are about love, which pushes completely self-sufficient women, satisfied with their lives, into the abyss of change just for the opportunity to be close to the Man of Dreams. Thinking that everything will work out, there would be Love. Foolish women…
QUOTE(Marilena @ May 22 2015, 21:10)
Dear forum users, good evening!
Briefly about myself: I am 31 years old, not married (and never was), no children. I live in a city (population about half a million) in central Russia. I work as the head of a small department, I earn relatively good money for my city, I live in my apartment. I have been living in my city for a long time, all my friends are here, everything is familiar and familiar.
Problem: lack of life prospects (primarily in personal life). If the work as a whole suits me, then it’s impossible to arrange my personal life absolutely. Our city is not very big, the general standard of living of the population is also not very high. Decent men are hard to find. More and more I notice that I’m just used to living alone .... Parents advise me to leave our city for a larger one, as the most realistic option - St. Petersburg (primarily because of the opportunity to buy your own housing there, unlike Moscow ). They hope that it will be much easier to arrange a personal life there, plus, in general, the prospects of a big city.
I'm at a loss ... I'm very afraid to change an established life for a vague future in an unfamiliar city. What if there will be no changes with personal life? On the other hand, when to change something, if not now?!
A question for the forum: how much, in your opinion, does it make sense to change the established life in a small city for the "opportunities" of a big city? Has anyone had a similar experience? (precisely from the point of view of arranging a personal life)
I will gladly answer all questions.
I moved to St. Petersburg (not to Moscow just because of the cost of housing) at the age of 30, however, with my family - my husband and daughter, a schoolgirl, from a city of half a million in Central Russia. Due to the lack of career prospects. I don't regret it at all. Our standard of living has really increased significantly, despite the fact that our apartment has not yet been commissioned (new building), we have to rent it.
But it's harder alone, it seems to me. Although I would go alone, I'm in love with Peter. Well, in terms of work / salary, there are much more opportunities and prospects here than in a small town. I was also the head of a small department in my hometown, and this was my ceiling - you could only jump higher by pull. Here, there are much fewer such restrictions, and the choice of work for a specialist with experience is much greater.
I don’t compare with Moscow, there are more prospects in Moscow, salaries are higher, but housing was absolutely unaffordable for our family, and I didn’t want to wander from the Moscow region, spending 4 hours on the road without seeing the child. For these reasons, we did not consider Moscow, although if it were not for our daughter, we could have considered it. But compared to the provinces, St. Petersburg is also a city of great opportunities.
Climate features, IMHO, are greatly exaggerated. Not the Far North, you can get used to it.
But as for my personal life, I don’t know if that’s the goal. It already depends on fate, you will not guess ... Edited on May 22, 2015 06:47 PM by Cheryomuha
Each of us at least once in our lives had a strong desire to drop everything and leave. Moving to another city appears as a romantic picture of positive changes in life and new experiences. Talking about possible prospects, a person sometimes balances between common sense and the desire to escape from all problems at once. In order not to feed yourself with illusions, it is worth turning to constructive reasons.
Getting a quality education
Today, a young man who graduated from school in a small town can be enrolled in any chosen university. Many ambitious people come to megacities in order to get a second higher education, improve their professional qualifications, and be trained by the best specialists in their field.
A newly minted student will have to deal alone with bouts of homesickness, learn independence, search for housing, domestic issues, plan a budget, and correctly allocate time for study and rest.
Favorable job offer
According to statistics, about one in four in our country is ready to move to another city for the sake of the next step in the career ladder and a higher salary. But having a family, an established social circle, debts and obligations, people rarely dare to take such a radical step. In fact, rare people mercilessly break with their former way of life for the sake of self-realization.
Building relationships in the new professional community will have to be practically from scratch. Getting used to new living conditions without the support of loved ones will not be easy at first.
Finding the Right Climate
Everyone has their own “climatic happiness formula”: someone does not like the cold, and someone is especially intolerant of heat or high humidity. However, we urge everyone who is dissatisfied with their climate to remember the inhabitants of Norilsk: the sun does not appear there for months, severe frosts and winds, permafrost and dwarf trees.
Before moving to an area with a completely different, albeit attractive at first glance, climate, try to live there for a while: the body may not agree with the new choice.
Decrease in the standard of living in the same place
If the search for a new job drags on for several months, the atmosphere worsens every year, there is nowhere to spend an interesting evening with friends, it is easy to understand the desire to move to another city.
Each city has its own advantages and disadvantages. Having lived for a long time in one place, when moving to a new place, a person experiences a feeling of insecurity in his own act, because he is used to completely different realities and the rhythm of life.
The need for quality medical care
Taking care of your health is a good reason to move. Small cities cannot offer their residents to use the services of specialists, for example, in such a delicate field of modern medicine as neurosurgery. A person with a serious illness will do everything to live where he will be cured. But even the opportunity to go to a professional massage therapist is sometimes worth it to leave.
On the other hand, there are a number of diseases that arise for mental reasons, due to stress caused by a sudden change of scenery, heavy adaptation. These are bronchial asthma, obesity, cardiac neurosis, hypertension and others.
Pursuit of adventure and change of scenery
“Travel, as the greatest and most serious science, helps us rediscover ourselves,” wrote Camus. Indeed, in order to experience a new life experience, sometimes it is simply necessary to change the place. This is an opportunity to expand the circle of friends, to master a new way of life. If there is a strong belief that this will help get off the ground, it is worth moving.
One desire to "shake it up" is not enough to successfully overcome all the difficulties of moving. It will take a lot of routine work. In addition, this is a test of strength and the ability to take care of yourself without outside help.
Negative experience gained in your city
Having experienced a serious drama in a personal relationship or the loss of a loved one, it is not easy to deal with painful memories from every little thing that comes to hand. Moving can have a positive effect on restoring optimism.
For the most part, we “carry” our problems with us, and one “groundhog day” is replaced by another. Qualitative changes occur primarily within a person.
Moving to the home of your soulmate
Today, many people meet through the Internet. Such communication often develops into a serious relationship, and this no longer surprises anyone. Future spouses can meet on vacation or visiting mutual friends who live in another city. As a result, one of the lovers has to make a difficult choice, most often a woman.
A loved one may not be able to replace the entire wide circle of communication, if there was one. But a high degree of trust in each other and mutual understanding will help overcome the first difficulties.
Children's needs
Many parents may be tempted to move to another city by a simple lack of good schools. Some are obsessed with finding the best environment for the development of their children, which becomes a fair reason to change the place of permanent residence.
Often, children have a hard time moving because, unlike adults, they do not understand so clearly why they need it, and there is no incentive to endure. Parents will need a lot of support and a sincere desire to turn the move into an exciting adventure for the child.
Cultural Inquiries
Theatrical performances, film premieres, fashion shows and rock band concerts are all just part of the diverse cultural life that residents of large cities, especially capitals, enjoy. The inhabitants of the province can only dream that some kind of circus on wheels will come to them.
At the same time, many people go in search of something that after some time will cease to be a hobby. Moving is a serious matter, and it is important to understand your own motives. After all, not only external impressions are important in life, but also internal growth.
It must be added that there is a group of people who need to change the situation all the time. They are even ready to live in hotels and sleep on the floor. These people do not need a reason to move, they themselves do not really know what makes them pack their bags every time. Usually they are bright, creative personalities. Therefore, if for no reason you want to leave everything and leave, you should at least listen to this. Who knows, maybe you'll write a brilliant road novel.
Photo: thinkstockphotos.com, flickr.com
