In the eyes of outsiders, narcissistic parents are very courtesy and will charm anyone in a couple of minutes. But at home, loved ones are constantly terrorized for not living up to their lofty expectations. Narcissistic experts Wendy Bihari and Craig Malkin talk about the consequences of this parenting style and offer advice to grown children.
Narcissistic personality disorder is recognized as a mental disorder. These people have an inflated sense of self-worth and base their identity on the praise and approval of others. Their close relationship is superficial and focuses mostly on how they are treated. By themselves, partners and friends are not interesting to them. Narcissists believe that they are better than others, but they also experience a sense of shame when they are criticized or when they get into trouble.
The interests and desires of the narcissistic parent dominate the life of the entire family.
Less than one percent of the population can be considered "clinical" narcissists. Between 2 and 16 percent of people who see psychotherapists at the urging of partners or colleagues have symptoms of a narcissistic disorder. Although symptoms can vary depending on many factors, Wendy Bihari and Craig Malkin believe that there are several common traits in the personalities of adult children raised by these types of adults.
1. You find it difficult to express yourself
The interests and desires of such a parent subjugate the life of the whole family. Because of this, children deliberately oppose themselves to others and try to defend their position at all costs. But more often they act like their needs don't matter. They allow others to disregard their desires and feelings because they are not aware of their needs and do not know how to express them.
"They can't say 'I insist' or 'I have a say' because that's what the narcissistic parent did," explains psychotherapist Wendy Bihari. And in the subconscious of a grown child, there is nothing more frightening than his figure ... What to do about it: learn as much as possible about narcissism. This way you can identify and eliminate dysfunctional attitudes from childhood.
2. You copy the behavior of the parent in many ways.
Some children find that the only way to avoid ridicule and humiliation is to become a narcissistic parent themselves. Over time, they develop an aggressive style of behavior based on the fear that any weakness they have will be severely punished and that the best defense is an attack.
Narcissists have difficulty setting personal boundaries and see children as extensions of themselves.
Strong-willed, extroverted children learn the narcissistic play style on their own. Insults and unflattering words addressed to someone else becomes their survival tactic,” explains Craig Malkin. At the same time, in the future, in communication with loved ones, they block feelings, so as not to seem weak and vulnerable. What to do about it: Seek a professional to help you break aggressive behavior patterns, especially if your partner and/or children are suffering from them.
3. You resent your brother or sister
Narcissists have difficulty setting personal boundaries and see children as extensions of themselves. In families with several children, one usually acts as a mirror for the best qualities of the parent. He gets more attention, support and admiration, but the demand from him is huge. The other child becomes a scapegoat and "the shame of the family". He doesn’t fit the “pet” either, so you can’t expect anything from him. Both projections reflect different sides of the narcissistic personality and pit children against each other, offering them different models of an unhappy childhood.
What to do with it
Share this information with a brother or sister. If you went to the "favorites", you can still harbor a grudge against them, because the brother / sister was subjected to much less pressure. If you were a “rejected child”, perhaps you are still worried about the fact that all the best was unfairly given to a “beloved” son or daughter.
Narcissists deliberately play people off for their own purposes. Their children may find that there is more to them than blood ties. As hostages who endure hard times together, they can become unusually close as adults.
About experts
Wendy Bihari- psychotherapist, founder of the Center for Cognitive Therapy in New Jersey.
Craig Malkin is a psychologist who teaches at Harvard Medical School.
I have one reader, and now, probably, already a pen pal. Dasha got into the narcissistic theme with her head. Digging very deep. Not from a good life, of course. Behind him are four years of “love” with a narcissist and a strong-willed break in contact a year ago.
Dashin Narcissus was married and had a six-year-old son. In which he did not cherish the soul and with whom he was practically inseparable. And this love of children of Victor - very conspicuous and excessive - has always been a mystery to Dasha. Now, having driven into the topic, she clicked this riddle like a nut. I am posting with her consent.
Dasha writes:
“What is the image of most “normal” fathers? A rare father goes to parent meetings, dangles with a child in hospitals and clinics. Together with my wife - yes, but alone ...
One day Victor called the doctor in front of me. And I did not understand then for whom it was a performance. For me or for the doctor. But, rather, for himself. I had no idea about daffodils then, but I remember that scene and my reaction very clearly. After all, everything abnormal crashes into memory. Abnormal - not real, artificial.
So, I freaked out. But not from what Victor is a mega-caring father, but precisely from the fact that there is some kind of implausibility in this. Reaction and behavior over the edge. I don't behave like that. I am a woman, by nature more emotional!
His son had a common sore. SARS and not even a terrible SARS. But Victor's voice has already changed. He gave it a fawning, acutely emotional tone with a flurry of speech expressing nervousness, impatience and very, very excitement. He constantly asked the doctor again, excitingly pedaling the theme of worries and cares with his voice.
I am a mother. I am a loving mother. And of course, I worry about my child, sometimes I even despair, but this despair is proportionate. They could not detect an infectious disease in my daughter, and we were ill for a whole month with a temperature, and before that we had severe otitis media with a temperature below 40. In short, my reaction to my daughter's illness was caused by exhaustion and despair. And these manifestations were proportionate. It's just that the reasons are different.
Listening to Victor's conversation with the doctor, I involuntarily asked myself the question: do I dislike my child so much? Or is someone trying to show excessive care to the point of overacting? When we are sick, I calmly listen to the doctor, in a calm voice I clarify incomprehensible moments and at the same time I do not accompany it all with bouncing on the chair, gesticulating, grabbing and twisting hair and other neurotic manifestations. No. Everything is reasonably laid out on the shelves, the whole plan of action.
And I realized that the role of being a great dad is also a source of nourishment for the narcissist. The fact that he is a wonderful father is recognized by his wife, the hated mother-in-law and, of course, his parents. For the time being, I acknowledged this. Recognized by teachers and educators. Colleagues of Victor. Friends and everyone who sees this performance. Imagine what a powerful source of narcissistic resource! A person sculpts a fake image of a mega-dad - and from all sides receives not only approval, but also admiration.
But do you think he is really interested in the personality of his son? Nothing. Do you think he reads, talks, plays with him? No. He just drags it everywhere with him: shopping, restaurants. Not on playgrounds! That is, Victor lives his life and goes about his business, and the child is just next to him as a free application. That is, life is obvious not for the child and the child's interests (as it is served to others), but for one's own.
Victor lives with his own and only his own interests with adults. But at least they buck up periodically, because they fall into his disfavor. And only a child can not oppose anything to this. Only a child cannot buck. If only his dad was by his side. He still does not know how to filter and distinguish sincere feelings. And next to such a dad will not learn. He has no other example.
His son is unsociable. Unable to communicate with peers. It is hard for him in a new society, like his dad, because dad is full of complexes. But soon he will learn to put on a charming smile, as his dad learned over time, and he will be just like dad.
Does Victor realize that he is playing the role of a miracle dad? Yes and no. As Sam Vaknin writes, the narcissist's false self mimics the true self. The mechanism is called reinterpretation.
“It forces the narcissist to interpret certain emotions and reactions in a flattering, socially acceptable light. A narcissist may, for example, interpret fear as compassion. If the narcissist has hurt someone they fear (such as an authority figure), they may feel bad about it afterwards, but interpret that discomfort as empathy and compassion. To be afraid is humiliating; compassion is commendable, it deserves public approval and understanding, from which the narcissist draws a resource.
Very often, narcissism is a kind of family curse. Passed down from generation to generation. The child is left with hope for at least a modicum of spiritual health, if one of the parents or other significant figures is not a narcissist. In other cases...
The child is a powerful source of narcissistic resource. He, like no other, feeds the narcissist with unconditional love and complete dependence. About how a narcissist molds her child like herself, writes Sam Vaknin:
“The narcissistic woman struggles to preserve her most reliable source of resource - her children. Through insidious indoctrination, guilt formation, emotional extortion, deprivation and other psychological mechanisms, she tries to impute to them an addiction from which one cannot easily extricate themselves.
Another reader tells about the excesses of such a narcissistic mother:
“On the playground, I met Albina, who alone is raising five-year-old Arseny. From an early age, crowds of tutors go to this unfortunate child, they take him to five sections and ten circles. The child is very nervous, arrogant, unfriendly to other children. Albina laughingly told how he attacks tutors with his fists, driving them out of the apartment. And recently, Senya was hysterical and squealed: "Mom, I hate you."
At one time, Albina tried to set the tone among mothers. She told us that we are irresponsible mothers, and since our children cannot read and play the violin at the age of two, we let them go, and they will grow up as cattle and beggars, but her Senya will go to the Sorbonne and ascend to the heights of life. Clearly, no one is interested in the desires and personality of Senya. Albina sees him like this - period.
Now you understand: what looks like holy parental love is often the pathological merging of a narcissistic parent with a defenseless child and using him for his own purposes. Such people may be very interested in procreation. For example, one of Victor's favorite topics is "two more, or better three children." Still would. Soon his son will grow up and cease to be such an inexhaustible, such an uncomplaining dealer of narcissistic resources. But it will only be a partial liberation...
An unhealthy bond will bind the narcissist to their parents for life. That's where forty-year-old boys come from, living with their mothers and calling them back several times a day. Or breaking down in the middle of the night for a bottle of your favorite wine for her, when the wife needs to be taken to the hospital ...
The problem of children of narcissistic mothers is serious. The 50s and 60s of the 20th century brought a lot of narcissistic personalities. I have not seen any research on this topic, but it seems to me that the Soviet state, which treats the individual as a screw, saw only blanks for screws in growing children. But, no matter how it happens, the fact remains. There are enough narcissists among that generation.
I already wrote about narcissistic mothers in a previous article. There was also about relationships, and about the fact that a child is property and a tool for such a mother, which for many years deforms the psyche of her child.
The only thing I said then in passing was the constant maintenance of a pathological emotional connection with my already grown child. Despite the fact that relationships can be completely involved in various types of violence, the child is firmly attached to the mother and remains near her, despite the fact that the parent continues to bully him and spoil his life in every possible way.
Well, of course, no one is tying anyone to the battery. The child seems to be by himself, of his own free will, remains nearby. He is in a constant attempt to tear off varying degrees of strength, or chained to his mother by the confidence in his worthlessness, hopelessness, powerlessness in front of life. And of course, with a sense of guilt - I can’t leave my mother and move to a neighboring house, because my mother raised-fed-nights-did not sleep.
It is not at all necessary that the mother will look like a real violent monster. Still, such cases are not encouraged in society, therefore, in general, they are avoided by parents. It is important for them to look good in the eyes of others.
It will be about the fact that the mother, as it were, loves the child, but too much. It is through love that her power over a grown child is realized, as over property. Property sometimes bucks and is subjected to covert violence
This connection is difficult to break, primarily because the child himself believes that someone has the right to own him. It cannot be otherwise.
A mother has the right to do whatever she wants, because she is a mother, and a very good person. And this confidence that it is possible and even necessary to be the property of a good person, because I must be needed and useful to someone, destroys, first of all, the life of such a grown child with his partner. Normal people don't need tool partners, and other narcissists often need tools. The latter does not add color to life.
I will not be engaged in painting, I will write a list of how this love-property looks like.
1. There should be no secrets between mother and child. If a mother suspects that a 30-year-old daughter is “not telling” something from her life, at least some detail, she sets up a scene “you don’t trust me!”.
Children often, when meeting with their mother, experience anxiety in advance that they will have to tell everything, because if you do not tell, then the mother will pull out information with ticks.
2. However, often children, more often daughters, mothers spread everything themselves, down to the smallest details. "Mom and I don't have secrets." The fact that the relationship is close is fine, but a person should have a piece of life that belongs only to him.
At the same time, frankness can end badly for the child. The mother criticizes, begins to actively interfere in everything, gets a reason to control. But the children still continue to tell their secrets.
3. Mom is usually not at all shy about sticking her nose where she pleases. For her, there are no boundaries in the personal life of an adult child. She loves him and wants the best.
He likes to talk to the child about this topic later. "I found a note in your desk, enclosed in a book. "Vasya 3 hours." What kind of Vasya, and what will you do with him?"
4. In marriage or in a relationship, for the child of such a parent, the mother is always more important than the partner. The partner can immediately be neglected, no matter what the situation is.
They can leave their wife with contractions at home, because mom needs to bring cigarettes (it’s raining outside, she won’t go to the kiosk in the rain).
They listen to the mother’s opinion very much, what needs to be done in marriage, what relationships to build, what to say to a partner, what to demand and how to resolve conflicts. After disagreements, the child of such a mother contacts the parent (often calls by phone) and tells in detail what happened.
In general, the mother in marriage becomes the 3rd person, through which all relationships in the couple are refracted. If the partner demands protection from the encroachments of the mother-in-law or mother-in-law on the life of the couple, the problem is usually hushed up. A grown child does not want to solve it.
5. Mom seems to constantly depend on her children in everything, although in fact, she is quite cheerful, healthy and capable. She constantly insists that the children break off from vacation, leave work, abandon their plans, because right now, at this moment, she needs their help. (You need to get jar lids from the mezzanine. Yes, right now, she can’t wait until her son’s meeting is over. Her jam is boiling).
You can’t leave her, even on Saturday-Sunday for barbecues. She is healthy, feels great, what if something happens at night? Go on vacation for 5 days? All 5 days the conscience will torment, but what about mom?
The beginning of an independent life is a betrayal, therefore it is better not to meet with anyone, or to meet in such a way that mom does not know.
6. In such families, there are characteristic rules:
- If they call you, be kind enough to explain: who said what and why they called.
- All rooms must have doors open. If suddenly an adult child closes the door, then he is hiding something.
- The family should know about all friends and acquaintances. If someone comes to visit an adult child, then the mother should be present during the conversation, or even speak with the guest herself. Ask him all sorts of tricky questions, checking whether this person is a good one?
- About everything you need to ask mom's advice, and not just formally. You need to listen to advice and do better as mom said, otherwise resentment and scandal (you don’t trust me that I did something bad to you, but I wished you well)
- Holidays are celebrated together. No options. If you want to meet someone else, you are a damned traitor and you don’t love your mother (everything, you don’t need a mother?)
tags: narcissism
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Not every narcissistic mother lives up to the hype-filled image of the boastful and conceited movie star graciously resolving, "Perhaps I'm ready for the close-up."
Since women are raised to appear accommodating and put their needs aside, a wide variety of behaviors can underlie narcissistic personality disorder.
The narcissistic mother is often misleadingly portrayed as the overprotective parent, the neat and quiet Sunday school teacher, or the long-suffering martyr who seemed to live for her children.
But don't be fooled.
The behavior of many narcissistic mothers is characterized by a number of hidden signs.
Here are five of the most common signs of a narcissistic mother:
1. You should not give her problems.
When you have difficulties, she lashes out with criticism and questions. You broke the cardinal rule, because your only goal is to help her look and feel good.
If you break this rule, you will pay with your self-worth. Life is a performance.
Sadly, it's about you defining her image as a mother, not supporting you as a daughter.
Subtext: The narcissistic mother is on a diet of self-importance. You need to feed her self-esteem, and not vice versa.
2. She obliges you when she gives you gifts.
By giving you gifts, she makes you feel obligated. The narcissistic mother feels so empty that she cannot give without receiving anything in return.
She may ask you to return the gift to her or insist that you should buy her. She demands offerings instead of gratefully accepting the gift you chose for her.
The narcissistic mother cannot passively receive; that would mean relinquishing control.
Subtext: “You are not free to choose what to give me. This would mean that we are equal. This is not true. I will decide what to give and what to receive.
3. You serve her needs.
When something happens in your life and you are unable to take care of her immediately, the narcissistic mother gets offended and feels offended.
Subtext: Her needs come first.
4. When you ask her about something or ask for an explanation, she immediately becomes defensive and attacks you.
The typical narcissistic mother often responds with exaggerated apologies like, "I'm extremely sorry and I ask your forgiveness for everything in the world that I could have offended you!" Still, she was only trying to help.
This step is intended to shift the blame onto you. She protects the emptiness within herself.
Subtext: You should report to her, not the other way around.
5. She doesn't respect your boundaries and your privacy.
The narcissistic mother cares about everything that happens. Asking her to tell her the news is more like a demand than an exchange based on respect for other people's boundaries. You are under pressure when you try to draw the line.
Subtext: "Your business is my business."
You feel like a thing, not a beloved daughter.
The manipulative moves of narcissistic mothers are much less obvious than the boorish acts of narcissistic men. They are no less destructive, just harder to spot. The damage they cause is even worse because of the insidious nature of the wounds. After getting scratched with a sharp razor, you often don't know you've cut yourself until you notice the blood flowing.
As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you often feel ashamed but think it's your fault, not hers. Shame makes you doubt yourself.
Bogged down in a sea of doubt, you don't see what lies behind these steps - a mother's desperate attempt to build self-esteem at your expense.
By beginning to notice hidden traits in the behavior of the narcissistic mother, you are taking the first step towards healing.
Narcissistic parents have a peculiarity: they do not contribute to the upbringing of adequate children, do not create conditions for the development of the child as an independent self-sufficient person.
Narcissistic mothers affect both sons and daughters. The latter “get” more, because they see competitors in their daughters.
Even before the birth of the child, the narcissistic mother believes that the child will be the best, provided in the best way, and such confidence is based on arrogance.
The existence of a child is not considered from the point of view of the child itself, motherhood - this is how a woman protects her unstable self. The child is not treated as a person, and she treats him accordingly. The child is part of the narcissist, or part of the environment.
Let's consider everything from the very beginning.
The time has come, and the narcissistic mother must have an alien - the birth of a child. For the first time, the mother gets stuck during pregnancy, in the fourth or fifth month, pregnancy manifests itself in various ways, and the narcissistic mother feels discomfort, while blaming the whole world for this, claims and accusations begin against the child that has not yet been born and the childbirth that cannot be avoided . Even before pregnancy, the narcissist considered adoption or surrogacy to avoid discomfort, but such a child is not ideal due to bad genetics, bad influences (a surrogate mother can get sick during pregnancy). Therefore, it does not inspire confidence. Then thoughts arise that you can go for an abortion, or resort to artificial childbirth, but this is also excluded, because there is little good in this, and I want to hit the world that I gave birth myself!
In the future, this passed period will be characterized by ballads telling their child about an abortion that was not done, artificial birth ...
Narcissistic mothers most often wish to have a son. Daughters are treated like second class. The son is the future president, the ruler of the galaxy. Women are rarely required for such activities.
Thoughts come that the daughter is a future bitch, a prostitute, a freeloader, her mother will only be exhausted with her. Some go to get rid of a child who has an unnecessary gender. Others may develop negative feelings for their daughter even before she was born. The key point is not that the mother wants a boy to be born, but the hatred of her daughter before birth, the recognition of her failure in life because of her existence.
Such women often have difficult childbirth, which is influenced by psychological reasons. The birth itself is protesting. A woman will always remain dissatisfied, no matter what the process of childbirth is: paid, free, through an acquaintance or without it.
A child appeared. This is where problems appear. He is a living being, though dependent on his mother, however, separate. The narcissistic mother is not able to understand his needs, does not understand them.
The narcissist is able to endure the period of caring for a child, and in the future will consider him his own feat. The narcissist mother, of course, is experiencing difficulties, it is hard for her. It’s good if she manages to fuse a child who is at an inconvenient age for her, grandma, grandpa. And later, when problematic situations arise, there will be those who are chronically to blame.
If the child has nowhere to go, he will cause constant irritation in the mother. The daughter in her eyes will always look stupid, clumsy, unlucky, etc.
There may be no boundaries between mother and child that are not differentiated by the mother. In this case, the mother will begin to solve many issues: go everywhere with her daughter, shop for clothes, toys, etc. If she liked something, then the daughter will approve it, in other words, the child does not have his own desires and opinions.
However, there is another option, a wall can separate mother and daughter. Then the mother simply forgets about the child: birthdays are not celebrated, clothes are not bought, even the child is not taken away from school.
These two types ignore children's problems. The first type doesn't know there is a problem (I have no problem why a child should have one). The second type does not want to know about the existence of the problem.
When a child passes into adolescence, the mother of the first type gets into the affairs, the relationship of her daughter, does not allow her to solve any issues on her own. Daughter's independence is suppressed.
The second type gives the daughter wide freedom. True, if she deviates from accepted norms, cruel punishment and retribution for her labors will follow (after all, I gave birth to you!).
The adult life of children whose mothers are narcissists is characterized by a difficult relationship between mother and daughter. A mother with no boundaries gives her daughter in marriage. Family life takes place with the participation of the daughter, her husband, mother. The mother strives to ensure that her daughter is next to her, for which she is engaged in rocking the relationship between her daughter and her husband. When the husband is self-confident, the mother is able to lead the marriage to divorce.
If the mother has no contact with her daughter, the mother begins to use the daughter. For example, a daughter should be shared with her, supported. She didn't have an abortion!
If the daughter has an unsuccessful life, the mother will constantly remind her of this. And still, at least something will be taken.
In any case, the mother will consider her daughter imperfect (only she belongs to the only higher being). Therefore, recognition from the daughter will not work. She is not interested in her daughter's problems, they are considered nonsense. Interest can cause problems that will help recognize the daughter as an unfortunate woman, a “complete fool”.
The ideal, which is constantly present, usually includes a neighbor, relative, classmate, with whom they compare their child (not in his favor). And, of course, comparisons with yourself will follow.
The mother is the best, more important, her problems are the most relevant and significant, her interests are the most important. When the daughter has achieved some kind of success, the mother will let her know that she had a much larger number of suitors, job offers, etc. in the same period. Or it could be, only the presence of an ugly child interfered.
When a daughter thinks too much about herself, the mother will find a way to “lower” her. She can use direct insults, affectionate reproaches, reminders, tactless remarks.
If a daughter argues, defends herself, or even sends her mother away, she will make her feel like a bastard, upsetting her mother. A mother knows how to approach her own child. Therefore, when the daughter tries to get away from the conflict, everything will end with the fact that she will feel like a “bad girl”, and she may have to ask for forgiveness.
Daughters with a successful life can spend millions on mothers, and on all sorts of nonsense. They are not going to return them in advance, because the child is obliged. When the child tries to return the funds, the mother goes into a narcissistic frenzy, saying she has merit.
With a persistent demand for money, the mother goes very far: she spreads rumors about her daughter, hires bandits, calls a psychiatric team, turns to the prosecutor's office.
Under these conditions, the mother is as unhappy as her daughter. From birth, a daughter stays with her mother, who, like clay, fashions a support for her own deformed personality out of her. But the child is a different being, using its own laws in development. And therefore, in order not to allow herself to collapse, the mother corrects her own consciousness, even if the consciousness protests.
Narcissistic mothers do not bring mental health, a peaceful existence to their daughters. Having a narcissistic mother is an eternal battle for a daughter. To normalize their own lives, such daughters need to do a lot of work.
We need the formation of our personality, where the mother is not present, the realization that childhood has passed. Mom will have a terrible resistance, and it will not be easy. All this needs to be digested. From what could not be digested, it is better to get rid of. You need to leave that which can nourish life. There is always something like that, even in a terrible, traumatic childhood.
