No matter how independent we are, the opinion of others is still important to us. This opinion can greatly affect our lives if we pay a lot of attention to it. Human nature is such that we want to be loved and respected. But is it worth it to constantly look back at everyone? The main thing to remember is not to worry about what others think and fill your head with thoughts about it. No one says that you need to score on everything and do what you want. Listen to the opinions of people important to you, think about it, and only then decide what to do. After all, your family is also not always right. If you still cannot get rid of the oppression of public opinion and censure, then let's develop a mindset that will help get rid of it.
People don't pay as much attention to you as you think.
People around you, for the most part, are passionate about their own affairs and concerns. They have their own life, which excites them much more than yours. If your interests and views intersect in some area, then this does not happen as often as you think. Just think, do you often pay attention to what others are wearing? Are their shirts dirty? Did a girl passing by have a puff on her pantyhose? I bet you either don't think about it at all, or spend no more than a couple of minutes on it. So the people around you do the same.
It shouldn't worry you
What others think of you is their business. It shouldn't concern you in any way. Even if you learn someone's opinion about yourself, it still won't make you a different person or change your life, in most cases. The opinions of others can influence you only when you allow this opinion to become decisive in your life. And this shouldn't happen. You cannot control the opinions of others, so do not pay such attention to them and focus on yourself.
You are unique like no other
Remember this once and for all. Don't fit in with those around you. As soon as you let this house of advice into your head, you stop being yourself. There are many people around you, and you are alone. You won't be nice to everyone. And, in the pursuit of society, you will give birth to Frankenstein, who, at least a little, but everyone likes.
Instead, just be yourself and remember that you are the only one in the whole world. You won't find exactly the same. Cherish your uniqueness. Respect yourself. Then the people around you will start to respect you.
Why do you still listen to them
Will your life change a lot if someone disagrees with you or says that you are saying something wrong? Are you ready to change every time someone says that you are doing everything wrong? I think no. The next time you become very sensitive to the opinions of others, then just think about whether it will be just as important in a week. If a remark in your direction will excite you for no more than an hour, then all this is empty.
You are clearly not a telepath
If you do not have any superpowers and the magic ball does not show you anything, then you hardly know what people are thinking. If you are an ordinary person, then how do you know what is going on in the minds of others? The only problem is that you think that all the thoughts of the people around you are fixated only on you. Selfish and smacks of something unhealthy, don't you think? Do not worry about the opinions of others until you have learned to read their minds.
Be honest with yourself and live in the present
It is up to you how you feel every day. Do you want to experience constant fear and excitement at the thought that society will not approve of your act? Stop thinking about it. Don't worry that someone has reprimanded you in the past or that people will think badly of you. Live in the here and now and don't look around. Breathe deeply and do not forget that only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. Only in this way can you be happy. Only in this way will you understand that each person has their own opinion and only you can choose whether it will affect you or not.
Surround yourself with people who accept you
It's just wonderful when you have friends who agree with you and support you in any endeavor, even if your relatives are against it. Remember that in order to maintain physical and spiritual health, you must choose to either give up on the advice of others or surround yourself with people who can inspire you to find your own path.
Others also care about public opinion
You are not paranoid and you are not the only one. The people around you also care what they think of them. So the next time someone criticizes you, put yourself in their shoes. Perhaps you have done something that this person has long dreamed of and did not dare to do. And now they just want you back from heaven to earth. Remember this, and then it will become easier for you to endure criticism and understand the motives for the actions of others.
Just be yourself. Be honest with yourself and admit that you are surrounded by people just like you. They also have problems, they also care about criticism, they are also not perfect. There are no perfect people who never make mistakes. It’s just that someone, having stumbled once, stops for life, and someone, having stepped over his mistake, follows his dream. Let public opinion not become a stopper in your development, and you will still show this world where crayfish hibernate.
Are you dependent on the opinions of others?
We are satisfied with life when close and significant people love and wait for us. This dependence can be taken for granted and "do not scratch where it does not itch." And what to do if public opinion haunts? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.
It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who will think about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? The famous once said: “I don’t care what you think of me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about the opinions of others, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.
People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most need the approval of others, sometimes even those who are unsympathetic to them. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once said: “... Believe me, I care what people think about me, ... because I'm not a robot ".
Impressive people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young ones, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps it will be easier for them when they learn about the 18-40-60 rule of the American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, among which is “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life!”. He assures his patients, suffering from complexes, insecure and overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18, you care about what others think about you, at 40 you don’t give a damn about it, and at 60 you understand that others about you don't think at all."
Where does this dependence on other people's opinions come from, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers?
Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming the interlocutor, making a favorable impression on him, no. After all, as they say, "a kind word is pleasant for a cat."
We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to please a person, he says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not in the way that is convenient for him, but in the way that friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their own lives. How many destinies did not take place due to the fact that the opinions of others were put above their own!
Such problems have always existed - as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., remarked: "Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner."
Psychologists say that dependence on someone else's opinion is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people do not value themselves is another question. They may have been bullied by authoritarian or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities because of the failures that followed one after another. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings as not worthy of someone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, out of love and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”.
By the way, the well-known work by A. Griboyedov “Woe from Wit”, written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is not worried about the conflict that occurred in his house, but “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?”. In this work, the Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.
Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not considered and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. In fact, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.
True, there is another extreme: one's opinion, desires and feelings are put above all else. Such people live by the principle: "There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one." But that, as they say, is "an entirely different story."
Is it possible to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?
As the secretary Verochka from the film “Office Romance” said, if you wish, “you can also teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including
1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself
And for this, first of all, a strong desire is needed. Writer Ray Bradbury said to people, "You can get whatever you want, as long as you really want it."
To change yourself means to change the way you think. The one who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, it suits him). After all, everything that we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth considering what is paramount for us - our own life or the illusions of other people.
Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals, he developed in his childhood;
2. Control yourself
Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to someone else's. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.
There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact, friends, parents, colleagues have already decided everything for us. Marriage is forced on a young man, because “it’s necessary” and “it’s time”, because all friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some young man with her to the village during the holidays, passing her off as her husband, because the mother is ashamed in front of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need, arrange expensive weddings, just to meet other people's expectations.
When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking ourselves how it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it is easy to let yourself be led astray from your own life path;
3. Love yourself
Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will condemn us. How many people, so many opinions - it is impossible to please everyone. Yes, and I am “not a chervonets to please everyone,” said some literary hero.
So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Wouldn't it be better to look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a whole.
A person who does not love his house does not put it in order and does not decorate it. He who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have his own opinion and passes off someone else's as his own;
4. Stop thinking
Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of those around us. A married colleague had an affair with an employee. Nobody was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance, he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered, and eventually quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is primarily concerned with his own problems.
All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks of different colors, a sweater inside out, dyes their hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention to himself. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, to whom we are often completely indifferent;
5. Learn to ignore someone else's opinion if it is not constructive
Only those who are nothing are not criticized. The American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then "do nothing, say nothing and be nothing." And we don't want to be nobody. This means that we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to the one with which we do not agree, not allowing it to determine our life. The famous, addressing the graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: "Your time is limited, do not waste it living someone else's life."
Other people's successes and popularity often cause envy among people who crave them, but who lack the intelligence, abilities, self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinion in the comments, trying to break and force to “leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly gained fame. And sometimes they succeed.
Those who love to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are worthy of regret, and they should be treated with a share of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.
It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who will think about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? The famous Coco Chanel once said: “I don’t care what you think of me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about the opinions of others, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.
People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most need the approval of others, sometimes even those who are unsympathetic to them. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once said: “... Believe me, I care what people think about me, ... because I'm not a robot ".
Impressive people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young ones, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps it will be easier for them when they learn about the 18-40-60 rule of the American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, among which is “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life!”. He assures his patients, suffering from complexes, insecure and overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18, you care about what others think about you, at 40 you don’t give a damn about it, and at 60 you understand that others about you don't think at all."
Where does this dependence on other people's opinions come from, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers?
Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming the interlocutor, making a favorable impression on him, no. After all, as they say, "a kind word is pleasant for a cat."
We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to please a person, he says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not in the way that is convenient for him, but in the way that friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their own lives. How many destinies did not take place due to the fact that the opinions of others were put above their own!
Such problems have always existed - as long as humanity has existed. Even the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, who lived BC. e., remarked: "Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner."
Psychologists say that dependence on someone else's opinion is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people do not value themselves is another question. They may have been bullied by authoritarian or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities because of the failures that followed one after another. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings as not worthy of someone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, out of love and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”.
By the way, the well-known work by A. Griboyedov “Woe from Wit”, written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is not worried about the conflict that occurred in his house, but “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?”. In this work, the Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.
Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not considered and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. In fact, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.
True, there is another extreme: one's opinion, desires and feelings are put above all else. Such people live by the principle: "There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one." But that, as they say, is "an entirely different story."
Is it possible to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?
As the secretary Verochka from the film “Office Romance” said, if you wish, “you can also teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities, but they can do a lot, including:
1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself
And for this, first of all, a strong desire is needed. Writer Ray Bradbury said to people, "You can get whatever you want, as long as you really want it."
To change yourself means to change the way you think. The one who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, it suits him). After all, everything that we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth considering what is paramount for us - our own life or the illusions of other people.
Known for his bright personality, the artist Salvador Dali said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals, he developed in his childhood.
2. Control yourself
Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to someone else's. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.
There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact, friends, parents, colleagues have already decided everything for us. Marriage is forced on a young man, because “it’s necessary” and “it’s time”, because all friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some young man with her to the village during the holidays, passing her off as her husband, because the mother is ashamed in front of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need, arrange expensive weddings, just to meet other people's expectations.
When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking ourselves how it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it is easy to let yourself be led astray from your own life path.
3. Love yourself
Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will condemn us. How many people, so many opinions - it is impossible to please everyone. Yes, and I am “not a chervonets to please everyone,” said some literary hero.
So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Wouldn't it be better to look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a whole.
A person who does not love his house does not put it in order and does not decorate it. The one who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have his own opinion and passes off someone else's as his own.
4. Stop thinking
Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of those around us. A married colleague had an affair with an employee. Nobody was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance, he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered, and eventually quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is primarily concerned with his own problems.
All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks of different colors, a sweater inside out, dyes their hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention to himself. Therefore, we should not depend on the opinions of others, to whom we are often completely indifferent.
5. Learn to ignore someone else's opinion if it is not constructive
Only those who are nothing are not criticized. The American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then "do nothing, say nothing and be nothing." And we don't want to be nobody. This means that we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to the one with which we do not agree, not allowing it to determine our life. The famous Steve Jobs, addressing the graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: "Your time is limited, do not waste it living someone else's life."
Other people's successes and popularity often cause envy among people who crave them, but who lack the intelligence, abilities, self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinion in the comments, trying to break and force to “leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly gained fame. And sometimes they succeed.
Those who love to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are worthy of regret, and they should be treated with a share of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.
The fear that your neighbors will judge you, your relatives or colleagues will not understand, is familiar to everyone to one degree or another. Experts offer many ways to resist social disapproval and weaken the influence of other people's views on our lives. CTD chose eight of them.
Why do people depend on other people's opinions
Gestalt therapist Anastasia Ivanova recalls an anecdote about this. Mom calls the boy from the street: “Petya, hurry home!” He asks: "Am I cold?" "No, you're hungry," Mom replies. Children are often told what they should or should not feel. Classic example: "Boys don't cry." This setting actually forbids a child of a certain gender from expressing emotions in a certain way.
Another example is the phrase "You can't be angry with your mother." Does a person have a choice - to be angry or not to be angry? If the parents respond to their child's aggression with their own, the child is frightened: after all, they are stronger than him.
“It can be a truly traumatic experience. A person ceases to allow himself feelings and grows up with suppressed aggression and an unhealthy dependence on other people's reactions, ”explains the gestalt therapist.
In addition to mistakes in education, the stress experienced during the first experience of socialization - in kindergarten or school - can be the cause. But can it be that nothing bad happened to us, but we are still dependent on someone else's opinion?
There are also individual differences: genetically we can be more or less resistant, more or less able to resist external traumatic factors.
One form of introspection is journaling. Each day, fill out one page with the thoughts that seem most important to you. At the end of the week, reread the entries and underline those that have been repeated several times. Self-analysis will help to understand the motives of your behavior. The next time you want someone's approval, you might not find it all that important.
2. Setting priorities. Frederick Newman believes that you can tame your dependence on others by making up a "hierarchy of opinions." “The opinion of the family is of the greatest importance for us: husband or wife, children, parents. The opinion of superiors and close friends means a lot, but still less. The opinions of colleagues and neighbors are already somewhere at a lower level. The opinions of just acquaintances are at the very end of this hierarchy. The considerations of random strangers are none of your business,” he writes.
Maybe your "opinion hierarchy" will look different. But it still exists, you just need to be aware of it. The views of superiors and close friends will not be equal for everyone, for some the position of respected colleagues will be closer to that of a parent, and a random stranger may turn out to be a practical person.
Understanding internal connections will allow you to ease the pressure where it is too much, and focus on what is important. “You have to accept the fact that some people will approve of you and others will not. Sometimes there are people who want to think that you are full of flaws. They will criticize you no matter what you do, says Newman. - But there will be those who will admire even those qualities of yours that seem insignificant to you yourself. Try to find such people in your environment.
3. Practice loving yourself. Since dependence on social approval is closely related to self-loathing, clinical psychologist Christina Hibbert advises starting with this problem.
We need to learn to treat ourselves as well as we treat our best friends. If this is difficult, such an attitude needs to be developed in oneself, the psychologist believes.
“It means constantly pleasing yourself, taking care of yourself, letting others love you, practicing mindfulness. Restoring self-esteem radically affects the ability to be independent,” says Hibbert.
4. Body practices. The body is always sending us a signal about how we really feel. When scared, the heart begins to beat faster, anxiety can manifest itself in tense shoulders, a drooping head indicates melancholy.
Therefore, all bodily practices that teach you to listen to the physical state - the same yoga - can be a great help. The better you hear your body, the more likely you are to deal with your feelings and fill that very void inside where other people's voices have settled.
5. Take a break from social media. We underestimate how much social media influences our thinking. Dependence on them is directly related to dependence on other people's opinions. With the help of likes and illusory friendship, we are trying to make up for the love that we once lacked.
The information that we absorb for hours on Facebook or VKontakte puts social pressure on us. We constantly compare ourselves with other users - and get upset.
Someone got a hundred likes, and if I have less, then something is wrong with me.
We fall into a real addiction without noticing it ourselves. Sometimes just taking a break is enough. Try switching regularly to something else, like reading books.
6. An example of millennials. Witty advice is given by business consultant and founder of 4A's Nancy Hill. She believes that millennials are less dependent on the opinions of others, and suggests following their example. she says, "They have more confidence in what they offer the world."
You may have been advised all your life to learn from your elders, but Hill believes that you should look up to the youngest generation.
7. Healing loneliness. As well as from Internet communication, we sometimes need to take a break from others. Because their imaginary and real voices create a continuous background behind which we hardly distinguish ourselves.
“Sometimes we are simply torn apart by emotions, and we lose control over our own lives. Try to spend some time alone with yourself and see if this helps to cope with anxiety. It is also a good way to test your relationship with loved ones. Understanding partners will give you the space you need and will be happy when you return,” Jessica King is sure.
8. Treatment by a specialist. If from time to time you notice the excessive influence of others on your condition, but then convince yourself that everything is not so bad, most likely you are engaged in self-deception. Dependence on someone else's opinion ruins your life. The most direct and fastest way to get rid of it is to work with a therapist.
According to Anastasia Ivanova, group therapy will be useful in this case. “This method creates a kind of microcosm in which people learn to interact anew,” she says. “After all, you will face the opinions of others right in the course of therapy and learn to understand why you have such a reaction and what to do with it.”
