MIKHAIL MIKHAILOVICH ZOSCHENKO

MONKEY LANGUAGE

This Russian language is difficult, dear citizens! The trouble is, how difficult.

The main reason is that foreign words in it to hell. Well, take the French speech. Everything is good and clear. Kesköse, merci, komsi - everything, pay your attention, are purely French, natural, understandable words.

And now, come on with the Russian phrase - it's a disaster. The whole speech is interspersed with words with a foreign, vague meaning.

From this, speech becomes difficult, breathing is disturbed and nerves fray.

I overheard a conversation the other day. It was at the meeting. My neighbors were talking.

There was a very smart and intelligent conversation, but I, a person without a higher education, understood their conversation with difficulty and clapped my ears.

The business started with nothing.

My neighbor, not yet an old man, with a beard, leaned over to his neighbor on the left and politely asked:

- And what, comrade, will this plenary session be or how?

“Plenary,” the neighbor replied casually.

“Look at you,” the first one was surprised, “that’s what I’m looking at, what is it?” As if it were plenary.

- Yes, be calm, - the second one answered sternly.

- Yah? the neighbor asked.

"Oh my God," said the second.

- And what is he, this quorum?

“Nothing,” the neighbor replied, somewhat bewildered. “I got close, and that’s it.”

“Tell me, please,” the first neighbor shook his head in dismay. “Why would he, eh?

The second neighbor spread his hands and looked sternly at the interlocutor, then added with a soft smile:

— You, comrade, probably don't approve of these plenary sessions... But somehow they are closer to me. Everything somehow, you know, comes out in them minimally on the essence of the day ... Although I will say frankly, lately I have been fairly permanent about these meetings. So, you know, the industry is empty and empty.

“That’s not always the case,” the first objected. “Unless, of course, you look from the point of view. To enter, so to speak, on the point of view and from the point of view, then yes - the industry specifically.

- Specifically, in fact, - strictly corrected the second.

“Perhaps,” the interlocutor agreed. “I also admit this. Specifically, in fact. Although when...

“Always,” the second snapped shortly. “Always, dear comrade. Especially if after the speeches the subsection is minimally brewed. Then you will not end up with discussions and shouting ...

A man stepped up to the podium and waved his hand. Everything was silent. Only my neighbors, somewhat heated by the dispute, did not immediately fall silent. The first neighbor could not come to terms with the fact that the subsection is brewed minimally. It seemed to him that the subsection was being brewed somewhat differently.

They shushed my neighbors. The neighbors shrugged their shoulders and fell silent. Then the first neighbor again leaned over to the second and quietly asked:

- Who is it that came out there?

- This is? Yes, this presidium came out. A very sharp man. And the speaker is the first. Always speaks sharply to the point of the day.

The speaker extended his hand forward and began to speak.

And when he uttered haughty words with a foreign, vague meaning, my neighbors nodded their heads sternly. Moreover, the second neighbor looked sternly at the first, wanting to show that he was still right in the dispute that had just ended.

It is difficult, comrades, to speak Russian!

1925

MONKEY LANGUAGE

Mikhail ZOSCHENKO

This Russian language is difficult, dear citizens! The trouble is, how difficult.
The main reason is that foreign words in it to hell. Well, take the French speech. Everything is good and clear. Keskes, merci, comsi - all, pay your attention, are purely French, natural, understandable words.
And now, come on with the Russian phrase - it's a disaster. The whole speech is interspersed with words with a foreign, vague meaning.

From this, speech becomes difficult, breathing is disturbed and nerves fray.
I overheard a conversation the other day. It was at the meeting. My neighbors were talking.
There was a very smart and intelligent conversation, but I, a person without a higher education, understood their conversation with difficulty and clapped my ears.
The business started with nothing.
My neighbor, not yet an old man, with a beard, leaned over to his neighbor on the left and politely asked:
- And what, comrade, will this plenary session be or how?
“Plenary,” the neighbor replied casually.
“Look,” the first one was surprised, “that’s what I’m looking at, what is it?” As if it were plenary.
“Yes, be calm,” the second answered sternly. - Today is a strong plenary meeting and such a quorum has crept up - just hold on.
- Yah? the neighbor asked. - Has the quorum been reached?
"Oh my God," said the second.
- And what is he, this quorum?
“Nothing,” the neighbor replied, somewhat bewildered. - Got it, and that's it.
“Tell me, please,” the first neighbor shook his head in dismay. - Why would he, huh?
The second neighbor spread his hands and looked sternly at the interlocutor, then added with a soft smile:
“Well, comrade, you probably don’t approve of these plenary sessions ... But somehow they are closer to me. Everything somehow, you know, comes out in them minimally on the merits of the day. Although I will say frankly, I have been quite permanent about these meetings lately. So, you know, the industry is empty and empty.
“Not always,” said the first. - Unless, of course, you look from the point of view. To enter, so to speak, on the point of view and from the point of view, then yes - the industry specifically.
“In fact, specifically,” the second corrected sternly.
“Perhaps,” agreed the interlocutor. - I admit that too. Specifically, in fact. Although when...
“Always,” said the second shortly. Always, dear comrade. Especially if after the speeches the subsection is minimally brewed. Then you will not end up with discussions and shouting ...
A man stepped up to the podium and waved his hand. Everything was silent. Only my neighbors, somewhat heated by the dispute, did not immediately fall silent. The first neighbor could not come to terms with the fact that the subsection is brewed minimally. It seemed to him that the subsection was being brewed somewhat differently.
They shushed my neighbors. The neighbors shrugged their shoulders and fell silent. Then the first neighbor leaned over to the second and quietly asked:
- Who is it that came out there?
- This is? Yes, this presidium came out. A very sharp man. Always speaks sharply to the point of the day.
The speaker extended his hand forward and began to speak.
And when he uttered haughty words with a foreign, vague meaning, my neighbors nodded their heads sternly. Moreover, the second neighbor looked sternly at the first, wanting to show that he was still right in the dispute that had just ended.
It is difficult, comrades, to speak Russian!

Read texts of short storiesMikhail M. Zoshchenko

monkey tongue

This Russian language is difficult, dear citizens! The trouble is, how difficult.

The main reason is that foreign words in it to hell. Well, take the French speech. Everything is good and clear. Keskes, merci, comsi - all, pay your attention, are purely French, natural, understandable words.

And nute-ka, now stick with the Russian phrase - it's a disaster. The whole speech is interspersed with words with a foreign, vague meaning.

From this, speech becomes difficult, breathing is disturbed and nerves fray.

I overheard a conversation the other day. It was at the meeting. My neighbors were talking.

There was a very smart and intelligent conversation, but I, a person without a higher education, understood their conversation with difficulty and clapped my ears.

The business started with nothing.

My neighbor, not yet an old man, with a beard, leaned over to his neighbor on the left and politely asked:

And what, comrade, will this plenary session be or how?

Plenary, - casually answered the neighbor.

Look at you, - the first one was surprised, - that's what I'm looking at, what is it? As if it were plenary.

Yes perishing be calm, - strictly responded the second. - Today is a strong plenary meeting and such a quorum has crept up - just hold on.

Yah? the neighbor asked. - Has the quorum been reached?

By God, - said the second.

And what is he, this quorum?

Yes, nothing, - the neighbor answered, somewhat bewildered. - Picked up, and that's it.

Say for mercy, - the first neighbor shook his head with chagrin. - Why would he, huh?

The second neighbor spread his hands and looked sternly at the interlocutor, then added with a soft smile:

You, comrade, probably do not approve of these plenary sessions... But somehow they are closer to me. Everything somehow, you know, comes out in them minimally on the essence of the day ... Although I will say frankly, lately I have been quite permanent about these meetings. So, you know, the industry is empty and empty.

Not always this, - objected the first. - Unless, of course, look from the point of view. To enter, so to speak, on the point of view and from the point of view, then yes - the industry specifically.

Specifically, in fact, - strictly corrected the second.

Perhaps, the interlocutor agreed. - I admit that too. Specifically, in fact. Although when...

Always, - shortly cut off the second. - Always, dear comrade. Especially if after the speeches the subsection is minimally brewed. Discussions and shouting then will not be enough ...

A man stepped up to the podium and waved his hand. Everything was silent. Only my neighbors, somewhat heated by the dispute, did not immediately fall silent. The first neighbor could not come to terms with the fact that the subsection is brewed minimally. It seemed to him that the subsection was being brewed somewhat differently.

They shushed my neighbors. The neighbors shrugged their shoulders and fell silent. Then the first neighbor again leaned over to the second and quietly asked:

Who is it that came out there?

This is? Yes, this presidium came out. A very sharp man. And the speaker is the first. Always speaks sharply to the point of the day.

The speaker extended his hand forward and began to speak.

And when he uttered haughty words with a foreign, vague meaning, my neighbors nodded their heads sternly. Moreover, the second neighbor looked sternly at the first, wanting to show that he was still right in the dispute that had just ended.

It is difficult, comrades, to speak Russian!

Lemonade

I am, of course, a non-drinker. If I drink another time, it’s not enough - so, for the sake of decency or to support a glorious company.

I can't use more than two bottles at once. Health does not allow. Once, I remember, on the day of my former angel, I ate a quarter.

But that was in my young, strong years, when my heart beat desperately in my chest and various thoughts flashed through my head.

And now I'm getting old.

A familiar veterinary assistant, Comrade Ptitsyn, examined me just now and, you know, was even frightened. trembled.

You have, - he says, - a complete devaluation. Where, - he says, - is the liver, where is the bladder, to recognize, - he says, - there is no way. Very much, - speaks, - you communicated.

I wanted to beat this paramedic, but after that I cooled off towards him.

"Give me, - I think, - first I'll go to a good doctor, I'll make sure."

The doctor did not find any devaluation.

Your organs, - he says, - are quite neat. And the bubble, - he says, - is quite decent and does not leak. As for the heart, it is still very different, even, - he says, - wider than necessary. But, - he says, - stop drinking, otherwise death can happen very simply.

And, of course, I don't want to die. I love to live. I am still a young person. I had just turned forty-three at the beginning of the NEP. We can say, in full bloom of strength and health. And the heart is wide in the chest. And the bubble, most importantly, does not leak. With such a bubble to live and rejoice. "We must, - I think, - really quit drinking." I took it and threw it away.

I don't drink and I don't drink. I don’t drink for an hour, I don’t drink for two. At five o'clock in the evening I went, of course, to dine in the dining room.

I ate soup. He began to eat boiled meat - hunting for a drink. “Instead, - I think, - I’ll ask for something softer for spicy drinks - narzan or lemonade.” I call.

Hey, - I say, - who here served me portions, bring me, your chicken head, lemonade.

Of course, they bring me lemonade on an intelligent tray. In the Countess. I pour into a stack.

I drink this stack, I feel: it seems like vodka. Poured more. Oh god, vodka. What the hell! Poured the rest - the real vodka.

Carry, - I shout, - more!

"Here, - I think, - flooded something!"

Brings more.

I tried again. No doubt left - the most natural.

After, when he paid the money, he nevertheless made a remark.

I, - I say, - asked for lemonade, and what are you wearing, your chicken head?

He says:

So we always call it lemonade. A perfectly legal word. Ever since the old days ... And I'm sorry, we don't keep natural lemonade - there is no consumer.

Bring, - I say, - the last one.

So I didn't quit. And the desire was hot. But circumstances got in the way. As they say - life dictates its own laws. We must obey.

Voice recorder

Oh, what a sharp people the Americans are after all! How many amazing discoveries, how many great inventions they made! Steam, Gillette's safety razors, the rotation of the Earth around its axis - all this was discovered and invented by the Americans and partly by the British.

And now, if you please: mankind has been made happy again - the Americans gave the world a special machine - a voice recorder.

Of course, maybe this car was invented a little earlier, but they just sent it to us.

It was a solemn and wonderful day when they sent this machine.

A lot of people gathered to look at this curiosity.

Konstantin Ivanovich Derevyashkin, highly respected by all, removed the cover from the car and reverently wiped it with a cloth. And at that moment we saw with our own eyes what a great genius it was who invented it. Indeed: a mass of cogs, rollers and ingenious squiggles rushed into our faces. It was even amazing to think how this machine, so delicate and fragile in appearance, can work and fit its purpose.

Ah, America, America, what a great country it is!

When the car was inspected, comrade Derevyashkin, highly respected by everyone, spoke commendably of the Americans and said a few introductory words about the benefits of brilliant inventions. Then the practical experiments began.

Which of you, - said Konstantin Ivanovich, - wants to say a few words into this ingenious apparatus?

Here the respected comrade Tykin, Vasily, spoke. Thin such, long, on the sixth category receiving a salary plus for overtime.

Allow me, he says, to try it.

They allowed him.

He approached the typewriter, not without some excitement, thought for a long time what he should say, but, without thinking of anything and waving his hand, walked away from the car, sincerely grieving over his illiteracy.

Then another came up. This one, without hesitation, shouted into an open mouthpiece:

Hey you fucking fool!

They immediately opened the lid, took out the roller, put it in the right place, and what? - for certain and accurately, the roller conveyed the above words to all those present.

Then the admiring spectators vied with each other to squeeze through to the pipe, trying to say one or the other phrase or slogan. The machine obediently recorded everything exactly.

Here again Vasily Tykin spoke, receiving a salary of the sixth category plus overtime, and suggested that someone from the society swear indecently into the pipe.

The esteemed Konstantin Ivanovich Derevyashkin at first categorically forbade swearing into a mouthpiece and even stamped his foot, but then, after some hesitation, carried away by this idea, he ordered the former Black Sea resident, a desperate scolder and brawler, to be called from a neighboring house.

Chernomorets did not keep himself waiting long - he appeared.

Where, - asks, - to swear? Which hole?

Well, they pointed him out, of course. And he, as if bent - even the esteemed Derevyashkin himself threw up his hands, - they say, it’s great started up, this is not America for you.

Whereupon, barely tearing the Black Sea man from the pipe, they put a roller. And indeed, the apparatus again accurately and steadily made a recording.

Then everyone again began to approach, trying to swear into the hole in every way and dialect. Then they began to imitate various sounds: they clapped their hands, tap danced with their feet, clicked their tongues - the machine acted without delay.

Here, indeed, everyone saw how great and ingenious this invention is.

The only pity is that this machine turned out to be somewhat fragile and not adapted to harsh sounds. So, for example, Konstantin Ivanovich fired from a revolver, and, of course, not into a pipe, but, so to speak, from the side, in order to capture the sound of a shot on a roller for history - and what? - it turned out that the machine had deteriorated, passed.

From this side, the laurels of American inventors and speculators are somewhat fading and declining.

However, their merit is still great and significant in the face of humanity.

1925

* * *
Have you read the texts different stories by Mikhail M. Zoshchenko, Russian (Soviet) writer, classic of satire and humor, known for his funny stories, satirical works and short stories. During his life, Mikhail Zoshchenko wrote many humorous texts, with elements of irony, satire, and folklore.This selection presents the best stories of Zoshchenko of different years: "Aristocrat", "On Live Bait", "Honest Citizen", "Bath", "Nervous People", "Charms of Culture", "Cat and People", "Marriage of convenience" and other. Many years have passed, but we still laugh when we read these stories, written by the great master of satire and humor, M.M. Zoshchenko. His prose has long become an integral part of the classics of Russian (Soviet) literature and culture.
This site contains, perhaps, all the stories of Zoshchenko (content on the left), which you can always read online and once again be surprised by the talent of this unlike other writer and laugh at his stupid and funny characters (just don't confuse them with the author himself :)
Thank you for reading!
.......................................
Copyright: Mikhail Mikhailovich Zoshchenko

monkey tongue

This Russian language is difficult, dear citizens! The trouble is, how difficult.

The main reason is that foreign words in it to hell. Well, take the French speech. Everything is good and clear. Kesköse, merci, komsi - everything, pay your attention, are purely French, natural, understandable words.

And nute-ka, now stick with the Russian phrase - it's a disaster. The whole speech is interspersed with words with a foreign, vague meaning.

From this, speech becomes difficult, breathing is disturbed and nerves fray.

I overheard a conversation the other day. It was at the meeting. My neighbors were talking.

There was a very smart and intelligent conversation, but I, a person without a higher education, understood their conversation with difficulty and clapped my ears.

The business started with nothing.

My neighbor, not yet an old man, with a beard, leaned over to his neighbor on the left and politely asked:

And what, comrade, will this plenary session be or how?

Plenary, - casually answered the neighbor.

Look at you, - the first one was surprised, - that's what I'm looking at, what is it? As if it were plenary.

Yes perishing be calm, - strictly responded the second. - Today is a strong plenary meeting and such a quorum has crept up - just hold on.

Yah? the neighbor asked. - Has the quorum been reached?

By God, - said the second.

And what is he, this quorum?

Yes, nothing, - the neighbor answered, somewhat bewildered. - Picked up, and that's it.

Say for mercy, - the first neighbor shook his head with chagrin. - Why would he, huh?

The second neighbor spread his hands and looked sternly at the interlocutor, then added with a soft smile:

You, comrade, probably do not approve of these plenary sessions... But somehow they are closer to me. Everything somehow, you know, comes out in them minimally on the essence of the day ... Although I will say frankly, lately I have been fairly permanent about these meetings. So, you know, the industry is empty and empty.

Not always this, - objected the first. - Unless, of course, look from the point of view. To enter, so to speak, on the point of view and from the point of view, then yes - the industry specifically.

Specifically, in fact, - strictly corrected the second.

Perhaps, the interlocutor agreed. - I admit that too. Specifically, in fact. Although when...

Always, - shortly cut off the second. - Always, dear comrade. Especially if after the speeches the subsection is minimally brewed. Then you will not end up with discussions and shouting ...

A man stepped up to the podium and waved his hand. Everything was silent. Only my neighbors, somewhat heated by the dispute, did not immediately fall silent. The first neighbor could not come to terms with the fact that the subsection is brewed minimally. It seemed to him that the subsection was being brewed somewhat differently.

They shushed my neighbors. The neighbors shrugged their shoulders and fell silent. Then the first neighbor again leaned over to the second and quietly asked:

Who is it that came out there?

This is? Yes, this presidium came out. A very sharp man. And the speaker is the first. Always speaks sharply to the point of the day.

The speaker extended his hand forward and began to speak.

And when he uttered haughty words with a foreign, vague meaning, my neighbors nodded their heads sternly. Moreover, the second neighbor looked sternly at the first, wanting to show that he was still right in the dispute that had just ended.

It is difficult, comrades, to speak Russian!

monkey tongue

This Russian language is difficult, dear citizens! The trouble is, how difficult.

The main reason is that foreign words in it to hell. Well, take the French speech. Everything is good and clear. Kesköse, merci, komsi - everything, pay your attention, are purely French, natural, understandable words.

And nute-ka, now stick with the Russian phrase - it's a disaster. The whole speech is interspersed with words with a foreign, vague meaning.

From this, speech becomes difficult, breathing is disturbed and nerves fray.

I overheard a conversation the other day. It was at the meeting. My neighbors were talking.

There was a very smart and intelligent conversation, but I, a person without a higher education, understood their conversation with difficulty and clapped my ears.

The business started with nothing.

My neighbor, not yet an old man, with a beard, leaned over to his neighbor on the left and politely asked:

And what, comrade, will this plenary session be or how?

Plenary, - casually answered the neighbor.

Look at you, - the first one was surprised, - that's what I'm looking at, what is it? As if it were plenary.

Yes perishing be calm, - strictly responded the second. - Today is a strong plenary meeting and such a quorum has crept up - just hold on.

Yah? the neighbor asked. - Has the quorum been reached?

By God, - said the second.

And what is he, this quorum?

Yes, nothing, - the neighbor answered, somewhat bewildered. - Picked up, and that's it.

Say for mercy, - the first neighbor shook his head with chagrin. - Why would he, huh?

The second neighbor spread his hands and looked sternly at the interlocutor, then added with a soft smile:

You, comrade, probably do not approve of these plenary sessions... But somehow they are closer to me. Everything somehow, you know, comes out in them minimally on the essence of the day ... Although I will say frankly, lately I have been fairly permanent about these meetings. So, you know, the industry is empty and empty.

Not always this, - objected the first. - Unless, of course, look from the point of view. To enter, so to speak, on the point of view and from the point of view, then yes - the industry specifically.

Specifically, in fact, - strictly corrected the second.

Perhaps, the interlocutor agreed. - I admit that too. Specifically, in fact. Although when...

Always, - shortly cut off the second. - Always, dear comrade. Especially if after the speeches the subsection is minimally brewed. Then you will not end up with discussions and shouting ...

A man stepped up to the podium and waved his hand. Everything was silent. Only my neighbors, somewhat heated by the dispute, did not immediately fall silent. The first neighbor could not come to terms with the fact that the subsection is brewed minimally. It seemed to him that the subsection was being brewed somewhat differently.

They shushed my neighbors. The neighbors shrugged their shoulders and fell silent. Then the first neighbor again leaned over to the second and quietly asked:

Who is it that came out there?

This is? Yes, this presidium came out. A very sharp man. And the speaker is the first. Always speaks sharply to the point of the day.

The speaker extended his hand forward and began to speak.

And when he uttered haughty words with a foreign, vague meaning, my neighbors nodded their heads sternly. Moreover, the second neighbor looked sternly at the first, wanting to show that he was still right in the dispute that had just ended.

It is difficult, comrades, to speak Russian!