The modern world is often unfair and cruel. People who are insecure and closed often remain outsiders. Especially the problem of communication is in youth. Guys and girls cannot find friends, defend their opinion, they are not interesting to their peers. How to become more sociable? You need to develop communication skills, fight with your own complexes, insecurity. At first glance, this task seems impossible. But if you approach the matter responsibly, perform special exercises and use the advice of psychologists, you can see the result in a couple of weeks - the interest and recognition of others.

Why am I so uncommunicative?

Many attribute their lack of sociability to banal complexes or insecurity. In fact, the problem is always deeper. Understanding yourself is not always easy. It is not very pleasant to remember, and even more so to recognize any negative facts. But it is extremely important to do this, otherwise all classes will resemble the fight against windmills. Most often, the lack of sociability hides:

What to do?

How to become a sociable and talkative person, the soul of any company? First of all, you need to get rid of uncertainty and start opening up to people, accepting yourself as you are.

There are no perfect people, everyone has positive and negative traits. There are things that people can fix, and there are things that they can't. You need to work on yourself, improve yourself, but do not avoid communicating with people.

Exercises

In our age, there are many methods and exercises to develop communication skills. If funds allow, it is better to go to group classes. But you can learn something on your own. We offer 3 exercises that will help you become a sociable person:

Author's advice. At the age of 15, I dreamed of becoming a sociable, talkative girl, but did not know how. All the time she was pinched and shy. A change of scenery helped me. We went with my parents to the sea and I met one girl, and then her whole company. I was just asking where you can go. Then the conversation started on its own. Having stayed at sea for 2 weeks, I got a huge experience of communication, I realized that I can be an interesting and cheerful conversationalist. Therefore, I can advise you to simply start talking to people, put aside your fear, and then it’s a matter of practice.

Becoming sociable is not so difficult, for this it is enough to start talking with others. Much harder not to pass for a bore or annoyance. To earn a reputation as an interesting, sociable and cheerful person, you need to heed the advice of psychologists:

Finally, I would like to give one more small, but very important advice. A sociable person makes no effort to strike up a conversation. He doesn't need patterns or rules. He enjoys communication. Therefore, all you need is to want to share opinions, useful and not so information with people. Good luck!

Irina, Vladivostok

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There is an opinion that it is impossible to teach a person to communicate. Like, the ability to talk to people is some kind of genetically inherent ability: either given or not given. But in recent years, psychologists have actively refuted this stereotype and boldly declare: communication is exactly the same skill as dancing, singing or cooking. And just like in the development of any skill, there are certain exercises to practice.

We are in website today we have collected for you 8 unusual exercisesthat can make even the most shy introvert talkative. These are not just exercises to improve speech, but a whole range of activities that help you learn to think while talking and build a fascinating dialogue.

1. Retelling

For what: You learn to think and speak at the same time. The connection between thought and speech is strengthened.

How to perform: Open your favorite blog, find any article, choose any 2-3 paragraphs from it. Read them and retell them aloud to yourself. Then - the next few paragraphs, and so on until the end of the article.

Exercise duration: Depends on the length of the article. You need to retell 1 article per day.

2. Continuation of someone else's thought

For what: You learn to look for non-standard solutions, develop flexibility of thinking.

How to perform: Turn on the TV or any video on the Internet. Listen to the speaker for 30 seconds, then turn off the sound and develop his thought for 30 seconds.

Exercise duration: 5-10 minutes a day.

3. The mystery of Lewis Carroll

For what: Break your own stereotypes, habits of thinking in a certain way.

How to perform: The riddle that Carroll came up with is: "How is a raven like a table?" The exercise is based on it. It is advisable to do it together, so as not to juggle more “convenient” items for yourself. One calls any word, the other calls any other word, between them you insert the question: “How are they similar?” It turns out something like “How does the closet look like a rabbit?” Sit and look for options.

Exercise duration: You should start with 10 pairs.

4. Lecture to anyone about anything

For what: Fishing out inapplicable information from memory, you train your memory. Make your thinking process more flexible.

How to perform: The exercise is done in pairs. You choose any object from those that surround you and tell the interlocutor about it. How did he appear? Why is it important on a human scale? What is it used for here in this room? With regular practice, you will soon be able to close an hour-long lecture about an eraser, a chair, or a cupboard door.

Exercise duration: Start with 5 minutes.

5. Dialogue with a mirror

For what: You observe yourself from the outside, learn to speak coherently about your thoughts, and establish contact with yourself.

How to perform: The task is to, looking at yourself in the mirror, fish out any thought from the mind and develop it aloud. That is, you approach the mirror, start thinking and talking about what you think. Move smoothly from thought to thought, connecting them with each other. After a while, you will start to get a coherent and sincere story about what is spinning in your head.

Exercise duration: 10 minutes a couple of times a week.

6. Talking with your mouth full

For what: One-time improvement in diction before the "speech".

How to perform: There are different options here. You can put an ordinary spoon on your tongue or a handful of nuts on your cheeks and try to pronounce the words as clearly as possible.

Exercise duration: Enough 7-10 minutes.

Start with something that is interesting to talk about for both you and your interlocutor. In most cases, we are held back from starting a conversation by the fear that we will approach the interlocutor, but we will have nothing to say. To avoid this, follow these steps.

• Assess the situation. If you are in a class with other students, you can always start by talking about the school. If you are at a party, talk about it. Even something as simple as, “What do you think of this area?” can start a conversation.
• You should not approach a stranger and start a conversation with stupid or obscene jokes. If you ask, “Do you happen to know how much a polar bear weighs?”, you most likely won’t be able to start a conversation.

Remember four winning topics to start a conversation with both acquaintances and strangers: family, work, leisure, goals.

• Family
  • "How is your mother?" or “How are your parents doing?”
  • "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
  • "Are you vacationing with your family?"
• Work
  • "What are you doing?" or “Do you like your new job?”
  • "What's interesting at work?" or "What's going on in the office?"
  • "What kind of people do you work with?"
• Rest
  • "What do you do in your free time?" or “How can we have fun?”
  • "How long have you been doing this?"
  • "Do you have friends that you do this with?"
• Goals
  • "What will you do after school?" or “Do you think you will be in this position for a long time? What are you dreaming about?"
  • "What are your plans?"

Ask open-ended questions. It is very important to start a conversation and talk with the interlocutor, and not chat about yourself. Open-ended questions give other people a chance to open up, and you are better able to respond to their comments and keep the conversation going.

• People tend to give detailed answers to open-ended questions. If you ask, “How are you?”, you can get the answer: “I’m fine,” so it’s better to ask, “What did you do today?”, And you will start a conversation.
• Open-ended questions do not have unequivocal answers - "yes" or "no". Don't ask closed questions like "What's your name?" or “Do you come here often?”; so you don't start a conversation.

Think back to previous conversations. Sometimes it's harder to talk to a familiar person than a stranger. If you already know something about this person, try to remember previous conversations with him and look for additional questions you can ask:

• "What were you doing before we met?"
• "How is your project? Did you finish it?"
• "How was your holiday?"

Be not only a talkative person, but also a good listener. A good conversation is built both on the ability to maintain a conversation, and on the ability to listen to the interlocutor.

• Look at the interlocutor and nod your head when you agree with him. Ask clarifying questions: “Wow! What happened next? or “How will it work out?”
• Listen carefully and respond to what your interlocutor says. Practice paraphrasing what you said by saying, “What you said is…” or “You are talking about…”
• Do not keep up the conversation by interrupting the interlocutor or talking only about yourself. Listen and respond to what the other person tells you.

Learn to read the body language of your interlocutor. Some people just don't want to talk, and you won't make things any better if you insist on talking. Learn to recognize closed body language and in such cases switch to someone else.

• Closed body language includes looking over the head and wandering around the room (as if the other person is looking for a way out). Also, the reluctance to talk is evidenced by crossed arms or the shoulder of the interlocutor directed towards you.
• Open body language involves leaning slightly towards you and making eye contact with you.

Some people don't have to ask this question at all. How to become talkative is no longer necessary. Since childhood, they have mastered the secrets and began to use them. Like this. With them, every conversation can become another dispute. And those who have more developed such unique qualities as well-read, acting win in it. In general, everything that distinguishes them from others.

Why do others have communication problems and others don't? A talkative person asks himself a question. He does not understand, because he never needed it, he was already, as it were, born for this element. But it is a mistake to think so. They read a lot in childhood, were interested in many curious things. Everything comes from this.

1. When starting a conversation, do not think about what opinion your interlocutors will leave about you. Here is an attractive girl, what prevents you from starting a conversation? I don't have the same hairstyle, I'm not that attractive outwardly. The fact is that a person who feels like this involuntarily becomes the culprit of his emotions. His speech is incoherent, decrepit, where there is no place for jokes, witty phrases.

You need to reason like this: if you think about someone else's opinion, then you are not a leader, that is, not a leader. Nobody likes these characters.

2. Wanted to say that you can't stop? You need to know the measure, excessive talkativeness only hurts. You might think that a person is not the master of his word, they are controlled by passions. they don't do that.

3. There is a good way, one good friend told me about it. Mentally give some valuable thing to a person. Maybe your smile, a bouquet of flowers? Visual contact is simply brilliant, and as if by invisible forces, a person himself is located towards you. All of you, as it were, rubbed yourself into trust, and now you can conduct a calm dialogue.

I once did a so-called experiment. One gave, others completely bypassed. The result amazed me. In the first case, I was able to set up a person for me instantly, while in the other I needed additional efforts.

4. Replace the word talkative with sociable. So it fits better. What is the difference? Sociable means interesting with his deep thoughts and thoughts, while the other is just an empty talker.

5. Always focus your attention on people. Be more interested in them, not forgetting that the whole human mystery lies precisely in them. They are currently the creators of all machines that exist on Earth. And your success depends on how you manage to negotiate with them.

6. What is their state of health, what can a person give you useful. That's it, always focus on mutual benefit. Without this, simple emotions are worth nothing. Even if you are a genius at how to become talkative.

7. Remember, at the moment when you want to withdraw into yourself, then think: will it be interesting not only for me? Most likely not. That's the whole mystery. Sometimes so many problems pile up that we do not have time to focus our attention on others. And that means that you become only necessary for yourself, without anyone there, if, maybe, it will work.

8. I started as usual with what others read. There are always well-read people in my circle, and therefore if I want to know something, I immediately start a conversation with their favorite book, film. It is very pleasant and warm at heart when you see a like-minded person who lives and thinks. Then the questions of how to start and act will disappear by themselves and easily.

Refer to the literature, where famous speakers offer their methods. You see, they have a whole life behind their backs, where there is a huge huge experience of living among their own kind.

9. In no case should you be afraid to take on the entire burden. That is, come up first, and start an interesting conversation. Otherwise, it is possible even on popular holidays to sit at home all alone. Many are not accustomed to taking the initiative, and therefore live out their lives in splendid isolation. People need to be invited, some don't think about it at all. Hence such stupid consequences, without.

Do you only talk badly with your friends, or with everyone without exception? Yes, it means that you will not fit well into the company of other people. Then you don't have to worry too much. Everything is solvable, you just need a little time and patience.

Look at her others, do you think they force themselves to say a word? They all do it automatically, their language has become flexible and bold. Here's how to become talkative learned.

The name of Dale Carnegie is known to everyone. His advice on how to communicate in order to please people and achieve what they want is striking in its clarity and effectiveness. But, despite the simplicity, Carnegie's advice for their effective application still requires the development of some skills and abilities. In this book you will find 150 exercises that will help with this! Before you is a training book on the Dale Carnegie system. A training that will help you become a real ace in the field of communication in the shortest possible time.

* * *

The following excerpt from the book Carnegie: 150 Exercises That Will Make You a Communication Master (Alex Narbut, 2013) provided by our book partner - the company LitRes.

Part one

How to become a sociable person and make true friends

Rule One

Don't criticize!

Criticism is useless, because it puts a person on the defensive and encourages him to look for an excuse for himself. Criticism is dangerous because it hurts a person's precious self-esteem, strikes at his idea of ​​his own worth, and arouses in him feelings of resentment and indignation.

Dale Carnegie

To understand how important this rule is, remember the last time you were criticized. It was quite recently, wasn't it? What did you feel about it? Did the criticism cause you to shrink inwardly and become as inconspicuous as possible so as not to be hit by criticism again? Or maybe, on the contrary, a wave of rage rose in you and you answered the critic with an even more caustic remark? One way or another, criticism did not benefit either you or the critic.

A person who is constantly criticized loses strength, begins to get sick and becomes mentally unbalanced. That is why criticism is the main instrument of political struggle. Not everyone can withstand her blows without damage to health. The wounds inflicted by criticism do not heal for years. You may not remember your first love, but you will never forget the one who once burned you with an insulting word.

Think about it when a word of disapproval is about to escape your lips. After all, criticizing someone, you risk making an enemy. Nobody likes critics. They are avoided. They rejoice in their failures. Nobody helps them.

Criticizing others is the shortest way to stay surrounded by people who can't stand you..

But sometimes it is very difficult to refuse criticism. And the most difficult thing is to refuse internal criticism. It doesn't matter that your critical thoughts are not spoken out loud. They are still read by others - at the level of energy. And if you are used to judging everyone and everything, then do not be surprised why other people treat you, to put it mildly, coolly.

Doctors say that you can get rid of the disease only by eliminating the cause of the disease.

The cause of the disease of criticism is internal condemnation.

The exercises in this chapter will help you break the habit of inner judgment.

Exercise "Track the Thought"

To overcome the automatic habit of internal judgment, you must first learn to notice and be aware of when and how thoughts come to you in which you condemn others.

So, this exercise is that you will need to track all critical or judgmental thoughts about other people for one day.

Exercise

Try to notice any fleeting thought or feeling, even if it looks like judgment.

Of course, you won't be able to keep track of all these kinds of thoughts. But you need to strive for it.

From time to time you will forget about your task. It's OK. The main thing is that you remember about it at least several times a day. And tracked their judgmental thoughts.

At the same time, it is very important not to justify yourself by saying that the person deserved your condemnation. Even if someone did something terrible before your eyes, and you condemned it, still note this thought. Remember: you are not proving yourself right, but getting rid of a bad habit!

Try to be honest with yourself, not allow excuses like: “Well, this is not a condemnation - I just know how to do it right”, or “Yes, I just wish him well, so I notice flaws.”

It is very important not to judge not only others but also ourselves. After all, condemning yourself is also condemnation. If this makes you feel better, you can start to watch for "self-judgmental" thoughts. For the first practice, this will be more than enough.

In the evening, write down in a diary everything that you managed to track and remember.

It is desirable to perform this exercise constantly, day after day. As you can see, it does not require any additional effort.

The most important thing is to remember from time to time that you must watch your thoughts.

Exercise-game "Prize for stopping"

This practice is, on the one hand, an important exercise, and on the other hand, an exciting game that you will definitely enjoy. Condemnation is associated with emotion, although negative, but not always unpleasant. Yes, negative emotions are also satisfying, especially when they make us feel better than others.

By condemning, we seem to rise above others. That's why it's so hard for us to give up the pleasure of noticing someone's flaw. Or even invent it - in the case when a person has no visible shortcomings.

How to leave pleasure, but get rid of condemnation?

You need to understand that pleasure is a kind of reward for doing something. You judged and you enjoyed.

Exercise

Stop rewarding yourself for being judged! Reward yourself for noticing your impulse to condemn and stop it.

And to make it easier for you, turn this activity into a game with prizes. As prizes, there can be any pleasant little things - from sweets to shopping.

The algorithm of actions is as follows:

● You notice your judgmental impulses or judgmental thoughts

● You stop that impulse or thought

● Fix the stop and reward yourself

If you have chosen a large enough "reward", then you can reward yourself not every time you stop the judgment, but, say, for every 10 or 20 times.

Exercise "How do I think?"

This exercise is a bit similar to the previous one, only now you will “scan” not emotions, but thoughts. ALL thoughts, not just those that contain condemnation.

The fact is that most of our thoughts contain a critical attitude. And we are used to living with such an attitude, we do not notice that our thinking is "sharpened" to see, first of all, negative aspects. And if such moments are not obvious, we begin to look for them.

The easiest way to track this is on the example of buying goods. Remember yesterday's trip to the supermarket: when choosing products, you looked for flaws, not virtues. If, for example, the package says “100% natural product”, this is unlikely to convince you. You suspect that the manufacturer is hiding something. Likewise with everything else. Yes, these suspicions are often justified. But in most cases, a critical view of things prevents us from living.

Evaluating critically some phenomenon, we do not see many positive things. And we pass by real treasures! People often complain that they lack something: money, friends, opportunities…. But they walk past all this every day, and do not even realize that they are missing out on priceless chances.

Exercise

Your task is to learn to “catch yourself by the hand” when your critical eye turns on again.

Start with the simplest - with an assessment of the new that comes into your life. It doesn't matter if it's a product you buy, a book you get recommended, or a new face in your environment. When you encounter something new, listen to yourself. Be honest about your thoughts. Track any negativity in evaluating a new one.

Write down every negative thought. And don't forget to reward yourself!

Exercise "Why do I think so?"

This exercise is a continuation of the previous practice. But it can also be performed independently of it.

Exercise

When you catch a negative thought, write it down and analyze it. Why did you think that way?

What external signs made such an impression on you? Or maybe it was some kind of inner feeling?

It is very important to understand what exactly affects you. If in most cases a negative impression is made up of visible reasons, then you are a person of a logical mindset, and are used to relying on facts. Only you evaluate these facts is not always correct.

If you can't find a factual explanation for your negative thoughts, then you're an intuitive. You are used to trusting your inner instinct, and it seems to you that it has never let you down.

You are a logician or an intuitive, if you are used to using a critical approach in evaluating any phenomena or facts, you are making a mistake. Thinking is tuned to the search for negativity, no matter what it comes from - whether from external causes or from internal sensations.

You must understand that there are not so many truly negative things in everyday life. You don’t see frankly damaged goods on the shelves every day, do you? All goods are more or less usable. Most of the products on sale you could eat without harm to health. The same is true with other phenomena of life. They can be "eaten" not only without harm, but very often with great benefit!

By analyzing the reasons for your critical assessment, you will gain a clearer view of things. You will understand that all your negativity simply has no real basis!

Exercise "The word is not a sparrow"

Every action we take is preceded by a thought. Moreover, it precedes the word! But it often happens that the word follows the thought after the next, so that it seems as if we are thinking aloud. Especially if it is connected with some kind of emotional arousal. At these moments, we do not seem to think at all, but immediately say what comes to mind.

Criticism is always associated with emotions, both negative and positive. We experience negative emotions when something for which we criticize has caused us some harm. And positive emotions are caused by the very process of criticism, because by criticizing, we not only repulse the offender, but also rise above him. Denying yourself this pleasure is beyond human strength.

It also happens that criticism for a person is the only way to get moral satisfaction. This is especially true for single people who lack communication. And criticism feeds them energetically, allows them to feel like a member of society.

Exercise

If you can't stop talking out loud just yet, start by monitoring those words.

Be sure to write down what, to whom, and for what reason you said it. Even if you said it to yourself, for example, when watching an annoying TV show. If possible, write down these words, just be careful not to start "writing criticism." Write down only what you said, do not develop a thought on paper.

Even if you manage to write down every twentieth critical phrase, you will already achieve tremendous success. You will become more restrained in language, and, as a result, your relationships with others will improve.

Exercise "What and how do I say?"

This exercise should be done when you have accumulated a decent number of records of your verbal criticism.

Exercise

You should allocate 15-20 minutes of free time to read all these entries.

Very important: this time does not need to be planned, it is not necessary to take these minutes from work, rest or communication. Read these posts when you really have nothing to do. For example, when you are standing in a traffic jam, riding the subway or sitting in line at the doctor. This is really very important, because such inclusion of exercises in the framework of your daily activities, first of all, saves you time, keeps you in good shape, and most importantly, develops the habit of tracking your own feelings, thoughts, words and reactions. Such introspection will help you become a balanced and calm person.

As you read your notes, pay attention to what you said and how you said it.

“What” is the specific information, and “How” is the submission form. For example, you called someone (deservedly or undeservedly, it doesn't matter) a fool. The specific information is that you think it's stupid. But the form you have chosen to communicate this information is an insult.

After analyzing all your records, you will realize that in many cases you are not even criticizing, but insulting. Take the word "fool" for example. By the way, in relation to yourself, you also often use it, don't you? Try not to.

Everyone does stupid things from time to time, including you. Nobody's perfect.

Nobody is immune from mistakes. The next time you make a mistake, don't be so quick to call yourself a fool. Just say yes, I did something stupid. The same can be said to another person. You will not offend anyone, and you will not sin against the truth. And get moral satisfaction!

Exercise "What do I want?"

This exercise also involves writing down your criticisms.

Exercise

What I wanted to achieve in this particular case?

This is a very important question and must be answered honestly. Preferably in writing, but if you don't have time to write down the answer, just say it to yourself.

The purpose of this exercise is to understand what motivates you to criticize. By doing this exercise, you are making a "diagnosis" of yourself. Treatment will depend on the type of diagnosis.

There are two main reasons for criticism. The first reason is the desire to influence the situation. The second reason is to spoil a person's mood.

The first reason is the desire to influence the situation. This reason prompts us to criticize a child who received a "deuce" for the control or an employee who made a mistake in the calculations. If we want to make things right, we don't care too much about how the person we're criticizing feels. The result is important to us, and not how our criticism is reflected in his internal state. When the situation is corrected and the desired result is achieved, our criticism will stop.

The second reason is to spoil a person's mood. Perhaps you will be outraged by this, and you will say that you never spoiled the mood of anyone on purpose ... But the fact is that whenever the goal of criticism is not to correct the situation, it is aimed only at causing emotional discomfort to a person. And you have to be honest about it.

This is an important step towards getting rid of criticism.

And for this important step, you should definitely reward yourself!

Exercise "How did they listen to me?"

Once you have clarified the purpose and reasons for the criticism, move on to the next step.

Exercise

Read your notes again (unless you already have them by heart) and remember how in each case the other person reacted to your criticism.

Someone began to justify and defend himself, someone harbored a grudge, someone got angry with you ... In any case, your criticism caused a negative reaction.

If the reaction was different - that is, the person admitted the mistake, promised to improve and was not offended at all - this could mean two things.

First: your interlocutor knows how to correctly perceive criticism (even unfair), perhaps he even studied this on purpose.

Second: you criticized the case, and, in addition, you chose the correct form of presentation for this, which did not offend the interlocutor. Analyze each such case separately.

But in most situations, criticism causes a negative reaction. If possible, remember what they answered you, what facial expression did the person you criticized have? How did he communicate with you after that? And what did you feel at that moment?

Analyzing all this, you should come to the understanding that you did not achieve what you wanted. Your criticism has not improved the situation in any way, but only aggravated it. Even if you set out to spoil someone's mood, and this goal was achieved, the situation still got worse. After all, unfair criticism will make a person look for an opportunity to take revenge on you. Perhaps you have received temporary satisfaction, but you have multiplied the evil. And this evil will certainly return to you.

Exercise "Cleaning Karma"

Don't let the esoteric name of this exercise scare you. By "karma" we mean the negative that you have accumulated over the years of criticism.

You have been learning to criticize for many years, and have reached perfection in this "art". Now you do not have to think to criticize anyone or anything. Criticism is like a perpetual motion machine that feeds on itself and never stops.

This exercise contributes to the fact that the "perpetual motion machine of criticism" will slow down and eventually stop. By doing this exercise, you deprive this "engine" of fuel. This "fuel" is your past criticism and the hurt it caused.

This exercise is similar to meditation. But for him you do not need any solitude or peace. Use for him minutes of forced idleness.

Exercise

Recall those moments from your recent past when you criticized someone. Mentally apologize to this person - even if you scolded him quite rightly.

Of course, it is better to ask for forgiveness in person. But this is not always possible and not always appropriate. In addition, not all of us have the courage to apologize for our own words.

If you can't apologize in person, it's okay. The main thing is that in your thoughts you ask for forgiveness.

This practice should be done as often as possible. Remember different people, different situations that happened recently or very long ago. It is best to do this daily.

Gradually "clearing karma", you will feel better and better. Your tension will go away, and gloom will be replaced by cheerfulness.

Exercise "Detecting the negative"

Analyzing your notes, you most likely realized that most of the criticisms were made to you in order to spoil the mood of the interlocutor.

If you've been honest with yourself and acknowledged this, you must have been unpleasantly surprised by the fact that you're capable of doing something to spite another. And not just capable, but doing it often and habitually. Do not be surprised, and do not consider yourself a spoiled and evil person. It's all about your inner negativity, which is looking for ways to get out. This negativity accumulates in a person from childhood. The reason for it can be stress, anxiety, the same criticism. And you just need to get rid of this negativity. If this is not done, and stop criticizing, he will still manifest himself - in some crazy deeds or in illness.

Emotional negativity accumulated in the psyche is reflected in the general state of the body.

Stress is always tension, and tension is physical. Tension creates stagnation, and stagnation causes blocks. Blocks are manifested in neuralgia, headaches, insomnia, irritability. But to get rid of them, you must first find them.

For this practice, you will need 10-15 minutes of free time and a surface on which you could lie down. It is very good to do this practice before going to bed - it is very relaxing.

Exercise

Lie on your back, stretch your arms along the body. Close your eyes. Mentally "walk" through your body from your heels to the top of your head. With your mind's eye, you need to "scan" the body, detecting tension. As soon as you feel that some part of the body is tense, say to yourself - “clamp in the foot”, “clamp in the lower back”, etc. Do not try to intentionally relax, get rid of the clamp. This will happen automatically as soon as you focus on the tense part of the body.

You can sleep after the exercise.

A set of exercises "Getting rid of the negative"

The previous exercise helped you discover the consequences of negative emotions, manifested as physical cramps and ailments. Now it's time for you to get rid of the negativity.

You "scanned" your own body and realized where there is a clamp or pain syndrome. Pain and tension can be dealt with either with the help of medicines or with the help of special practices that eliminate the stagnation of negative energy.

Drinking medicine is a road to nowhere: medicines only help to forget about the pain. Your goal is to get rid of the cause of this pain, that is, the stagnation of negative energy.

A small set of breathing exercises will help you with this, restoring the flow of energy in the body.

● Exercise "Fire Breath"

This exercise helps to cleanse the body of negativity with the help of the fire element. You can use live fire (for example, a candle flame), or you can simply imagine fire. Imagination has its own energy, which has a very good effect on the overall energy of a person.

Exercise

Sit comfortably, close your eyes, relax. The spine should be straight, legs not crossed. Feel for a pulse in your left arm. Begin to breathe in the rhythm of heartbeats: blow - inhale, blow - pause, blow - exhale, blow - pause.

Imagine that a fire is burning right in front of you - let's say a tall fire or a giant candle. Imagine that when you breathe in, you draw this fire into yourself, and when you breathe out, you yourself rush into it. Breathe like this for one or two minutes.

You must lose the sense of your own body. Only you and the fire should remain. You need to merge with it.

Don't be discouraged if you don't get the feeling the first time. This practice has a wonderful property: every time it gets better and better. Do five such practices for 1 minute in one day - and by the fifth time you will really “breathe with fire”, you will feel how the energy of fire overwhelms you.

● Wind breathing exercise

This practice should be done outdoors, preferably in windy weather.

Exercise

Sit on a park bench or in front of your own house. Close your eyes and place your hands palms up on your knees.

Try to relax. Let the body become free, heavy and plastic, like a piece of dough.

You need to feel your weight, let it press you against the surface on which you are sitting or lying. Focus on physical sensations: how do your legs, stomach, buttocks, back, shoulders, chest, arms, neck, head feel? Breathe slowly and rhythmically.

All your attention should be directed only to the sensations of your own body. Is everything relaxed? Nothing hurts? Not prickly? Doesn't itch? As soon as you feel that you have reached the most comfortable and relaxed state, direct your attention to your hands.

Imagine that with every breath you take, the wind flows into your hands. It fills your entire body.

The body gradually loses weight and becomes light as a feather. The duration of this practice is from one to five minutes.

● Exercise "Breathing Water"

This exercise should be done every day when you take a shower.

Exercise

Submerge your head under a stream of water (you can not wear a bathing cap!). Close your eyes. Breathe rhythmically and slowly. Imagine that with each inhalation, water enters you through the top of your head, and with each exhalation, it flows out through the soles of your feet. Water takes away all irritation, all unpleasant memories and situations that occurred during the day.

This exercise is wonderfully relaxing and brings a person into a peaceful state of mind. Run time - as long as you want.

● Exercise "Breath of the Earth"

For this exercise, you will need some earth - with a thimble. You can take the earth from the flower pot.

Exercise

Pour the earth on your left hand and cover with your right hand. Stretch your arms out in front of you with your fingertips pointing forward. Close your eyes and start breathing measuredly, imagining how the energy of the earth enters you through your hands. Breathe like this for one or two minutes. This exercise only needs to be done once. A person by nature is closely connected with the elements of the earth, and the purpose of this exercise is to restore this natural connection.

After this practice, it will be enough for you to just touch the ground and imagine how it takes away all your negativity. For example, after a hard day at work, you might dip your fingertips into a flower pot and imagine the negativity sinking into the ground.

Do not be afraid that your negative energy will damage the flowers: the earth element has a powerful processing power. It will "recycle" your negative energy into positive.

Exercise "Pumping with positive"

Nature, as you know, does not tolerate emptiness. The law of conservation of energy is also valid for the sphere of human emotions.

As you get rid of internal negativity, you need to gradually “pump up with positive” so that positive feelings prevail in your soul. Such as love, friendliness, joy, sympathy, inspiration, optimism.

The best way to recharge with positive energy is to do a good deed. Many people shy away from good deeds because they are afraid to spend money, they are afraid to lose precious time and energy. This is a completely unfounded fear! No one is asking you for great deeds. One small act of kindness can restore your good mood and improve this world.

Exercise

Agree with yourself that you will do one small good deed a day.

For example, call an old friend. Or compliment an unsmiling colleague. Or take an interest in the health of an old neighbor. All this does not require either time or effort, but it gives a lot. Get started today and don't miss a day. Within a few days, you will notice that you have become more optimistic about the world.

Soon, without good deeds, you simply will not be able to exist, because a small good has an amazing property - to fill the person himself and everything around him with positive.

Break the Habit Exercise

There is an old saying: "Sow a habit - you reap a character, sow a character - you reap a destiny." The habit of criticizing and evaluating everything and everything is one of the most harmful. This habit has the most negative impact on both character and destiny. Critics are rarely happy - they don't like everything, and no one can stand them.

If you have already acquired the bad habit of criticizing, then you definitely need to do this exercise.

Are you so accustomed to criticizing that you yourself don’t notice how you do it, do you criticize “on the machine”? Today is your chance to break that habit. To do this, you need your "critical automaton" to fail. And you will beat him.

How? Yes, very simple.

Exercise

Every time today you are going to make an opinion about someone or something -

– Shut up

- Take a break

- Inhale and exhale slowly and deeply 10 times

As you breathe, evaluate your opinion - is it critical or approving? And if it is full of criticism - do not express it! Don't criticize!

Even if you do this only once for the whole day, it will already knock your “automatic” out of the usual rhythm.

You yourself will not notice how the next time you want to take a break and be quiet before speaking your mind.

Criticism is one of the most dangerous enemies of mankind. It does not benefit either the one who criticizes or the one whom he criticizes. But now you have all the tools to stop criticizing. And learn to look at the world benevolently and openly!

Rule Two

Be cordial in your approval and generous in your praise, and people will cherish your words, remember them and repeat them throughout your life - repeat years later and after you forget them.

Dale Carnegie

The exercises of the previous chapter taught you to refuse criticism - this bitter and harmful "pill" that does not cure any diseases, but only exacerbates pain and resentment. And if you really managed to break the habit of criticism, then you already understood what a huge step towards establishing friendly relations with the people around you. You are no longer afraid. You have begun to trust. People already know that you won't question their ideas, you won't criticize what they do and say. But there is no need to stop there. The next step is expected of you - so take it! And it is to start PRAISE people.

Do you know which two sweets do not contain extra calories, and there is no harm from them, but only one benefit?

These sweets are PRAISE and APPROVAL.

Alas! but it is precisely these two "dishes" that are so lacking at the feast of human communication!

Any person needs praise and approval from the first minutes of his life. All these "usi-pusi", "honey", "suns", "bunnies" and other sweet words with which mothers address their babies, have for children vital meaning. Children who do not receive enough “usi-pusi” in infancy grow up to be the most unfortunate of people.

Perhaps you think that for adults, praise does not matter so much? In vain! An adult needs it no less than a child. Don't believe? Try to say something kind to the person next to you right now. If no one is around, call someone for this purpose.

Even without seeing a person, you can feel how his mood has risen from your praise. You will hear how his voice has changed - after all, a smile always changes intonation. And let this little exercise become your daily “warm-up”. And so that you don’t think about exactly how to pronounce praise, we offer you several options that are suitable for any person.

Exercise "Call a friend"

It is best to start this practice by calling friends - these people are not connected with you in any business relationship, which means that your praise will not be regarded as flattery for the purpose of obtaining benefits.

Exercise

Take a mobile phone and dial the number of any of your friends. After the first words of welcome, express your approval to the person on the other end of the wire.

You can use the following reasons for approval:

- the other day I was remembering how great you did this and that ... (remember the case when your friend excelled in some business)

- you know, I'm so grateful to you for helping me out then (remember the case when your friend helped you)

- I think you did the right thing that ... (bought this car, married this girl, changed jobs, went on vacation - you can call any act that does not contradict the law)

But it is better if you find your own reason for praise - then your words will sound sincere and really touch the person.

Exercise "Praise from the heart"

Some people do not like to praise others, even when there is a good reason for this. You will not expect a kind word from such people, and almost everyone around them considers them callous and ungrateful.

However, this is not always the case. It's just that these people believe that their praise can alert a person, because it will be regarded as flattery and grease. If you belong to the category of just such people, then you should know that real praise has nothing to do with flattery.

Your words will never sound like flattery if you follow our advice.

Exercise

1. Praise from the bottom of your heart. Praise must be sincere. Praise only what you really like, what really admires you in this person at the moment. Flattery is never sincere, because it is pronounced with exact calculation. Admiration is an emotion that comes from the heart. But the heart is not prudent, and any person knows this very well.

2. Express your praise in the form of a short, positive comment. For example:

“Do you have phone X? I heard this model is very reliable.”

“Your bag has such a comfortable shape: beautiful and roomy.”

Such remarks will never sound like hidden flattery, but thanks to them you can win over any person.

Exercise "Inaudible Praise"

It is not always possible to praise a person out loud. Sometimes it's just inappropriate.

Exercise

So praise him... silently!

Sometimes it works even more than words.

When you find some virtues in someone and start to admire them in your thoughts, a special energy comes from you that disposes a person to you, regardless of what he thinks of you.

The effect of this technique can be called "white magic". Try it - and see for yourself!

Exercise "Approving smile"

Always remember that praise doesn't have to be verbal. After all, we communicate with each other not only with the help of words.

We speak different languages, including the language of facial expressions. Facial expressions in many cases say more than words. Use the possibilities of facial expressions! Express your approval with facial expressions. There is such a thing as an “approving smile”. It is very easy to make it.

Exercise

You need to slightly lift the tips of the lips and slightly nod your head. Try to smile like that right now.

As you can see, it's elementary. Don't be greedy - approve of other people with a smile!

Exercise "Smile with eyes"

Smiling isn't just about lips. You can express a smile with your eyes.

For this exercise, you will need a magnifying mirror (you can get one at any hardware store). These mirrors are usually used for making up. An enlarged reflection of your eyes is what you need.

Exercise

First, carefully examine your eyes and try to evaluate them on the basis of cold/warm. Because a smile with the eyes implies a look of warmth.

The easiest way to develop a warm look is to evoke emotions of warmth in yourself. What causes you such emotions? Everything is very individual here. Some have childhood memories. Some people dream of a summer vacation. Someone's heart warms when he thinks about those he loves: parents, friends, relatives. And someone feels a feeling of warmth just at the thought of something delicious. Look for yours. Remember the pleasant, evoke warm associations. And keep an eye on your eyes. As soon as you see that they are warming up - remember this.

You are moving in the right state. You can start training on other people.

Smile with your eyes, look at people with warmth. And you will see: this warm look is sure to resonate!

Exercise "Morning starts with a smile"

To train yourself to smile, do this practice.

Exercise

As soon as you wake up, smile.

Even if you had a nightmare. Even if you know that a difficult, and maybe even mournful day is ahead. Smile anyway - mechanically, without emotion. Just stretch your lips into a smile.

Smiling, get out of bed. Then, if you want, drop your smile. The main thing is to smile immediately after waking up.

After a while, you will realize that you wake up already with a smile on your lips. And you don't want to stop smiling.

Exercise "Gestures of approval"

When expressing praise, feel free to use gestures of approval.

Exercise

Practice gestures of approval in situations where it is appropriate.

The most famous and common gesture is the thumbs up. Of course, it is not appropriate in all situations, but where you can show emotions and an informal attitude, be sure to use it.

Applause is also a gesture of approval. And the reason for applause can be found not only in the theater. The people around us often do things for which they could be applauded heartily.

By the way, about cottons. A pat on the shoulder is a friendly gesture of approval. And in dealing with friends, do not neglect it. As well as hugs. Nothing prevents you from hugging a friend in response to some kindness or as a consolation.

In other, more formal circumstances, open palms, turned with the back to the interlocutor, will serve as gestures of approval. By showing your palms, you show that your hands are “clean”, which means that your thoughts are also clean.

When in the company of other people, show them your palms as often as possible.

Don't forget this simple exercise - it will help you build a bridge of trust between you and the other person.

Exercise "Poses of Approval"

Postures of approval are postures of openness, trust, friendship.

Exercise

When in the company of people with whom communication is important to you, take postures of openness.

Never "close" a pose if you want to win someone's favor. Arms and legs should be "open". Straight posture speaks not only of openness, but also that you are ready to act as circumstances require. You are able to take someone else's point of view. However, you need to keep your posture fairly loose. Your spine must be flexible. If you walk around like you've swallowed a telegraph pole, your movements will be stiff and unnatural.

The position of the head can also tell about openness. A raised chin and a slight tilt to the side shows that you are ready to listen to the person, that you trust him.

Practice gestures, facial expressions and postures of approval at any opportunity, in any society. Do not forget to train alone with yourself, in front of a mirror.

Exercise "Hidden dignity"

Surely there are people in your environment about whom you are convinced that they consist of nothing but shortcomings.

And therefore, there is simply nothing to praise them for. Well, great! So, you have to play the role of Sherlock Holmes and find in this person a deeply hidden treasure - a quality for which he can be respected and praised. This quality can be absolutely anything, and not just what you are usually used to approving people for.

A friendly face, punctuality, politeness, sociability or perseverance - these and other qualities deserve to be noticed.

Exercise

Praise people for anything, even the smallest accomplishment.

Just do not need to invent some imaginary virtues - praise only what you see.

Remember that the main value of praise is its truthfulness and sincerity. No one should suspect you of flattery. So just say what you think.

Exercise "Find the good in the bad"

It can be very difficult to change your mind about a person who once let you down a lot..

But if criminals have noble impulses, then what to say about everyone else! You need to learn how to improve your opinion of people. A small exercise consisting of several steps will help you with this.

Exercise

1. Take a sheet of paper and at the top, in the middle, write the name of the person you think is bad and dishonorable. Underline this name, and below it, divide the page in half with a vertical bar.

2. In the left column, write down everything you think about him. Don't be verbose, use only adjectives. For example: he is self-serving, aggressive, unreliable, etc.

3. Think about the situations in which he could show completely opposite qualities. If, for example, you consider him greedy, imagine that he needs to give all his fortune in order to save the life of a loved one. Will he be greedy? Most probably not. In the same way, work through all his negative qualities.

4. In the right column, write down the positive qualities of a person that he can really show under certain conditions. And cross out the left column with a bold "X".

This simple exercise will help you a lot. After completing it, you will feel that your attitude towards this person has begun to really change.

The art of complimenting

A compliment is praise that is spoken aloud in order to please a person. A compliment often contains a share of exaggeration, but both the speaker and the listener know about it and accept the “rules of the game”.

It is customary to say compliments mainly to women - as you know, "women love with their ears." However, men need compliments no less than women - and this should certainly be used.

But it should be remembered that a compliment is a whole art. An inopportune or unsuccessful compliment will not only not give pleasure to the one to whom the compliment was said, but can also cause real anger. Therefore, in aristocratic families, men were specially trained in the art of compliments. This art was an integral part of secular etiquette, without which a person was not accepted in high society. Etiquette also had a number of prohibitions, to violate which meant showing oneself ignorant. There were such prohibitions for a compliment.

Now, few people know what etiquette is, and it would never occur to anyone to learn to compliment. Therefore, the compliment degenerated into outright flattery, banality or even obsceneness. A compliment is a manifestation of attention to the quality or skill that the object of the compliment likes. And such qualities or skills are not always evident, they must be able to notice. Before giving a compliment, think about what the person himself is proud of, what he likes about himself.

Exercise "Learning to give compliments"

A compliment is an art. And like any art, it has its own laws.

First of all, you must understand that there is a big difference between a female and a male compliment. Men can only compliment women, women can compliment both men and women.

Exercise

Compliment people in any situation where it is appropriate.

If you are a man and want, for example, to compliment a beautiful woman, then you need to remember the following rules. The fact that women are beautiful is already obvious - why talk about it? Talk about the look, the gracefulness of gestures, the enchanting timbre of the voice. Never praise physical virtues (chest, legs...) – this is not appropriate! When saying nice things to women, stay within the bounds of decency: this way you won’t offend anyone and you won’t be unexpectedly involved in a relationship that you don’t need.

If you want to praise a woman for professional qualities, you don’t need to mention both professionalism and beauty in one compliment. Remember: when these two, as they say, "in one bottle", they belittle each other. “Clever and beautiful” - this can be said about a woman in the third kind, but not in person.

Women's compliments to men should be rather restrained. Excessive frankness and emotionality can be perceived as an invitation to intimacy. However, this does not mean that men cannot be praised for their external attractiveness. Any man will be very pleased to hear the praise of his appearance. Just remember that a man is adorned with masculine features. No need to praise men for feminine features - for example, for graceful hands or long eyelashes. No matter how beautiful it is, perhaps this is exactly what makes a man complex.

Men need to feel validated from time to time. Therefore, men are usually praised for their masculinity, courage, and professionalism. A wonderful compliment to a man is to praise him for something that is unusual for him, that he usually does not do. For example, when not the wife, but the husband will cook dinner.

Even if the dish prepared by him is completely impossible to eat - you must admit that a man is worthy of praise for simply standing up to the stove!

name magic

All people love compliments, everyone is waiting for approval or praise. But neither the most exquisite compliment, nor the warmest encouragement, nor the highest praise so touches the heart of a person as the sound of his name. Why?

In the mystical traditions of the East, it is believed that a part of the human soul is contained in the name, and therefore, by naming someone, you are referring directly to his soul.

But there is another, quite earthly and understandable explanation for this phenomenon. The name is the first sound a newborn baby hears. A mother does not say a single word as often as the name of her baby. In the minds of every person, his own name is firmly associated with maternal warmth, her love and care. Somewhere deep inside we have the confidence that anyone who calls our name, just like our mother, considers us the most important person in the world. The conscious mind can understand that this is not always the case - but the subconscious of a person responds to the sound of his name with trembling expectation.

Calling someone by their first name is almost like magic. It is not difficult to master this magic, but still, like any magical action, there is a secret in pronouncing the name.

Exercise "Learning to pronounce the name correctly"

When you say a person's name, it shouldn't sound familiar, forced, angry, or formally dry.

You need to learn how to do it naturally and warmly. Studying will not take you much time; you don't even need any special work on your voice and intonation.

Exercise

All you need to do is slightly lift the corners of your lips just before you say the person's name. Your lips will form into a half smile, and this half smile will give your voice the necessary warmth and ease.

Of course, this skill needs practice. But you can train every day, and with different people! We advise you to start with those people with whom you communicate "in passing". For example, with colleagues from another department. There are many people with whom all our communication fits into two words: “hello” and “goodbye”. We have almost nothing in common with these people, and if we get close to some of them, then only if there is some weighty reason for this. But these people are perfect for practicing this skill.

All you have to do is add just one word to your daily "hello - goodbye". You already guessed which one.

This person's name!

Exercise "Call by name"

Exercise

Train yourself to say the person's name at least once every two sentences.

It's not difficult at all. For example:

- Listen, Oleg (first sentence). I'm going to buy myself a mountain bike (second suggestion). I know that you understand it (first suggestion). Oleg , could you advise me on which brand to choose? (second sentence) Etc.

You will not have time to look back, as many people in your environment will treat you with great attention and respect.

Whatever you talk about you will be heard , because in your speech there will be a lure against which it is absolutely impossible to resist - name person.

Exercise "Remember the name"

There are people who always forget or confuse the names of people - especially those with whom they have to communicate quite rarely.

Exercise

To cope with this difficulty, you will need to put in some effort. You can do the same as Napoleon III did: write down the name of a person on a piece of paper, and then, left alone, peer at him for a long time and with concentration. This method is good because it involves visual memory. Another way is to get as much information about the person as possible. Feel like a detective: find out not just the person’s full name, but also their marital status, education, interests, political views, etc. All this information will help you create a solid image in your mind that will be strongly associated with the sound of this person’s name. Even if you part for years, then when you meet again, you will still easily remember his name and where he studied.

If both methods do not seem very suitable to you, then come up with your own! Use your imagination. For example, when meeting a person, imagine that his name is written in fiery letters on his forehead. Or that a small paper airplane flies over him, on the wings of which his name is written.

You can imagine the most incredible things, the main thing is that the person's name is properly imprinted in your memory.

Praise without envy!

There is a kind of praise that gives no pleasure either to the one who speaks it or to the one who listens. This is praise out of envy. It is very easy to recognize, it sounds something like this:

It’s good for you - you are beautiful (rich, smart, lucky ....)

Saying such a phrase, a person does not approve of the owner of all these virtues, but on the contrary, humiliates him. It seems to indicate that without some quality or thing a person is worth nothing. This is a very harmful kind of praise, and such “praise” harms, first of all, the envious person himself.

What is envy? This is the awareness of one's own shortcomings through the prism of other people's virtues (often imaginary virtues!). Unfortunately, there are very few people in the world who do not envy anyone. Perhaps you think you are one of them? Then answer this question: can you give the most expensive thing for you to a person who has beaten you in everything?

End of introductory segment.