Author Rumyantseva T.V.
Increasing emotional competence and improving mutual understanding in communication both with very close people and with acquaintances, colleagues, involves the development of technology formulating I - statements, as well as its application in conflict and difficult life situations, as a constructive way of expressing one's emotions and experiences.

How to express your point of view and not quarrel? How to reach mutual understanding with relatives, friends, colleagues? I-statements can help.

I will give a piece from my book about I-statements

(Rumyantseva T.V. Self-regulation and professional identity of teachers of secondary schools. Monograph. - Yaroslavl: MOU GCRO, 2012, 178 p.. source):

I-statement (or I-message) is a message to the interlocutor about his experience in connection with a certain event..

I-statement structure includes four main components (1-4) and two additional ones (5 and 6):

1) "When …" (the factual side of the event, i.e. what happened, is described without judgment, as accurately and concretely as possible).

2) "I felt (a)..." or "I liked/didn't like" (it is said what emotion, feelings were experienced).

3) “Because….” (it is explained in connection with which this feeling arose, what significance this event has for the speaker).

4) “I want….” (the desired scenario is proposed).

5) “I hope….” (either a positive outcome of the development of the situation is stated, or the possibility of reaching an agreement on the development of the situation is discussed).

6) "Otherwise..."(either sanctions are spoken in case of a negative development of the situation, or a warning about an undesirable change in relations).

I-statements can carry a positive or negative meaning, depending on the sign represented by the emotional reaction. A well-formulated and expressed I-statement contributes both to improving the well-being of the speaker himself and to regulating conflict situations in relationships between family members and colleagues, clarifying and deepening mutual understanding (between spouses, parents and children, colleagues).

An example of a negative self-statement (a statement that contains a description of negative emotions):

“When instead of coming home at 19.00, you return at 23.00, without warning of a delay in advance. / I feel fear, and anger, and anxiety. / I get into my head thoughts that something terrible has happened to you, I worry. On the other hand, I get mad when I think you don't care enough about me if you make me worry without warning me of a delay. / I want you to come home on time - at 19.00. And if you are late, you would have warned in advance. / I hope that you will take into account my wish. / Otherwise, I will be very offended by you, and we will quarrel.

An example of a positive self-statement (a statement that contains a description of positive emotions):

“When you come home earlier than usual (before 19.00)./ I rejoice./ Because we have more time to spend together. I love talking to you so much! / I want you to come home early as often as possible. / I hope so.

It is important to note that the formulation of the I-statement is a difficult task, and it is not always possible to immediately formulate one's reaction accurately both in the form of an emotion, and in the form of a thought, and in the form of a desire, and in the form of a designated fact. Training is needed in formulating each component, first for oneself, and then for transferring to another. It is possible at first to formulate an I-statement only for oneself.

With the development of the skill of formulating I-statements, the ability to control one’s emotions also develops, the effectiveness of self-regulation increases, since the formulation of the I-message involves not only a complete analysis of the situation of interaction, but also a deepening of introspection, reflection of one’s emotions, desires.

It is especially effective to use I-statements to express such emotions as resentment, anger, aggression, anxiety, fear. The expression of these feelings openly helps to cope with many conflict situations more constructively, it is very important for the prevention of psychosomatic diseases.

The ability of adults in the family to express their feelings and emotions in the form of I-statements helps children to master this very important communication skill. It improves understanding and contact between parents and children.

At individual and family consultations (face-to-face and online), we analyze with clients the options for formulating I-statements for especially difficult and conflict situations from their professional or personal life.

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It is possible that you have never paid attention to the content and construction of your everyday habitual phrases.
Characteristics of your statements. If all our sentences containing pronouns are divided into two large groups, then we can distinguish "You-statements" and "I-statements".

What it is?

"You-statements" are a way of communicating to someone information about himself, his behavior, character traits, and so on, which creates the impression that you are right and the other person is wrong. They reflect the difference between your point of view and the point of view of the person with whom you communicate. The way in which "You-statements" are usually pronounced can easily cause irritation or a defensive reaction in the person to whom they are addressed. He may be annoyed that the interlocutor considers himself right so much that he can afford "You-statements". Often in these cases, a conflict may arise, which is associated not so much with some problem as with the attitude of a person who allows “You-statements” towards it.

An example of this would be a situation in which a parent is angry with a child for leaving their room untidy, for example. Instead of asking the child to clean the room or come up with something that would encourage him to keep the room clean and tidy in the future (we will talk about this below), the parent says the phrase, building it like a “You-statement”: “ You always leave dirt in the room." Now the conflict is no longer connected with
room. After what has been said, a conflict situation arises in connection with what and why the child does, and also with whether he always or only sometimes does it. As a result, the child feels that he is bad and is offended.

Remember the situation when, with the help of the “You-statement”, you were inspired by personal qualities that made you unsuccessful in any activity. For example, you have been repeatedly told that you are always late, you lose everything, you study poorly, and the like. Such programming to bring a person with the help of "You-statements" sometimes negatively affects his self-esteem and the level of claims.

"I-statements" are a way of communicating to someone about your own needs, feelings, or scenes without offending or judging the person to whom the statement is directed. You talk about what you want, what you need, or what you think, not about what the other should do or say. You defend your interests, but at the same time do not put pressure on the other person. Thus, the other is not judged, blamed or attacked. He is not
will feel he has his back against the wall, he will not have the need to defend himself and, therefore, start or aggravate the conflict. With the help of the “I-statement”, the act of a person is discussed, and not his personal qualities.

"I-statements" simply begin with the pronoun "I" and express one's own feeling or reaction.

Examples of I statements to a child.

In a situation with an uncleaned room, the following “I-statement” can be applied: “I am unhappy that the room is not cleaned. What can be done to remove it?
In this case, the emphasis is on your feelings about the untidy room and you shift the responsibility for cleaning it to your child.

Compare the expressions made in the form of "You-statements" and "I-statements", and conclude in which case the speaker will achieve what he wants more in a less conflicting way.

YOU-STATEMENTS: You pester me with your questions.
"I-STATES": If you ask me about something when I'm busy with other things, I feel annoyed because I'm not ready to pay attention to you. I would be grateful if you would ask me questions at a more appropriate time, for example, at ... (indicate the time).

YOU STATEMENTS: You never do what I want. You always do as you please.
“I-STATES”: When you make a decision for both of us without asking my opinion, I feel resentful, and it seems to me that you are not interested in my point of view. I would like us to discuss these issues together so that the wishes of both are taken into account.

Pay attention to the construction model of "I-statements". The phrase begins with a neutral, non-accusatory description of the other person's behavior that does not satisfy you. This is followed by a description of your rational and emotional responses to this behavior. Explain why this behavior does not suit you, or simply point out how it affects you. Finally, in very polite, non-aggressive terms, describe what you would like. At the same time, use phrases such as "I would like", "I would be grateful to you" or "I would prefer".

The “I-statement” model, divided into elements, looks like this:
When you (a non-accusatory description of a behavior, an act of another person), I feel (your feelings or emotions about this behavior) because (why this behavior is a problem for you or how it affects you), and I would like, I I would be grateful to you, I would prefer (a description of your desire).

Below we suggest that you try to learn the elements of "I-statements". To begin with, you must learn to express your own feelings and emotions.

Right now, formulate one of the elements of the "I-statement". Complete each of the sentences below in three different ways, just to get a feel for how it feels.

I feel… (excited, discouraged, hopeful, tired, puzzled, hungry, frustrated, etc.)

I want to… (fly a glider, feel happy, have more friends, etc.)

I'm going to... (try out some of your "needs" here just to see how they feel, or use the following endings: take care of yourself, go to sleep, read a little, etc.)

As you complete these sentences, use a wide variety of options, without really thinking about whether they are "correct" or not, look at this exercise as a game, try out all kinds of sentences just to exercise your inner voice.

Make it a rule every day of the next week to write and say aloud at least three of these sentences:

I feel…

I love…

I'm going to…

Eliminate the pronouns "you", "you" and "we" from these sentences until the use of "I" becomes completely natural and comfortable for you.

Pay attention when talking with your child how often you ask him questions like “Where have you been?” or “What were you doing now?”. Try replacing them with "I-statements": "I was worried about you because I was waiting for you at home by five o'clock."

Below, write down three examples of your “I-statements” that you could now address your child:

Pay attention to how often negative phrases like “I can’t”, “I don’t want” and the like sound in your speech.

Often, negation tells the listener something that doesn't exist, and therefore emphasizes the other side of what you really mean.

When you want to use a negative judgment, imagine that you have just been dropped off on a deserted island and the helicopter pilot, making the last loop over your head, yells, asking what you want him to drop you from the necessary. It's best to say what you really want, instead of listing what you don't need to throw off, for example: I don't want perfume, I don't want evening dresses, etc.

Try to replace negative judgments with positive statements in your speech.

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Many articles have been written about the importance of noticing and expressing your emotions in a relationship. Talking about your feelings is important with parents, friends, loved ones, and even with your child. This is important so that others can notice what is happening to you and what the changes in your behavior are connected with.

Unfortunately, little is written about the fact that sometimes the expression of emotions occurs in such a way, in such a way that it can destroy relationships, contribute to quarrels and increase tension.

An example of such "destructive" emotions can be emotions expressed in the form of reproaches, claims, demands, accusations, condemnation.

When we behave in a non-constructive way, we begin to reproach, condemn, blame - it is highly likely that our partner will instinctively begin to defend himself, blame and reproach in response.

This does not mean that you should always behave constructively.
It's more about what if you want to get an understanding -
talk about your feelings in a way that you want to understand,
but I didn’t want to run away from you or “knock” in response.

So that when we talk about fatigue, our loved ones hear about fatigue, and not at all about how bad they are, and how they do not help us.

In such situations, psychologists suggest using the "I-statements" technique.

"I-statement"
the way in which we, addressing the interlocutor, speak about our experiences in the first person. "I-statement" allows you to communicate about your experiences without destroying the atmosphere of trust and mutual respect. Allows you to convey the essence and at the same time not hurt the self-esteem of the interlocutor. Moreover, the one who speaks out takes responsibility for his emotions, and does not blame his partner for his emotions.

Examples of "I-statements":

• "I worry when I don't feel supported by people close to me."
• "When I feel like I'm being taken care of, I feel happier."

The opposite of "I-statements" is " you-statements"("you-kanya").

• "You don't pay attention to me!"
• "You don't care about me!"
• "You never help me!"

Usually, this is how we formulate the very reproaches and claims that we express to relatives.

Notice the difference between "I-statements" and "You-statements"?
More common are “You-statements”, and “I-statements”, as a rule, speak of the developed psychological culture of their author.

It is important to be able to distinguish between "I feel bad" ("I-statement") and "you are bad" ("You-statement"). Speaking about your feelings, tastes and opinions, you are talking about this, about your subjectivity, and not about something objectively inherent in people and things.

Scheme “I-statements”

1. Description of the situation that caused the problem.
   (“When I see that…”, “When this happens…”)
2. The exact name of your feeling in this situation.
   ("I feel…")

And it will be even better if after the "I-statement" you add what kind of behavior you would like from a partner, say what you need to make you feel better, easier.

Benefits of using the "I-statements" technique

Anyone who has mastered the technique of "I-statements" gets the following opportunities:

• directly declare their own interests both in business and personal relationships;
• reduce the level of your emotional stress;
• behave more confidently, naturally, set the desired nature of communication;
• resist pressure and manipulation;
• maintain self-respect;
• put the partner in a situation of responsible choice;
• be constructive in the face of disagreements and conflicts.

Limits of application of "I-statements"

Incorrectly formulated "I-statements" are often perceived as negative manipulations. “I was so worried while you were gone, and it hurt me that you didn’t call me,” keeping the form of the “I-statement”, is both an injection, an accusation and quite a rude pressure on a partner. Therefore, when formulating this or that "I-statement", at first check whether it will offend your partner.

Think about what your reaction would be if you were told such a phrase?
If the statement causes discomfort, resembles manipulation, think about the wording again.

As a way to prevent conflicts, "I-statements" work only in a circle of people with whom you have a good, trusting relationship. If you try to talk about your feelings to complete strangers, it will look strange and hardly effective.

Important! Once you start using the "I-statements" technique, don't overdo it.
It is intended for very emotional situations, for moments of disagreement.
If you try to use it in any contacts with loved ones, then your speech will lose its liveliness, become stereotyped, and you will be taken for a very vulnerable person.

And we continue to learn competent (non-conflict) communication. In order not to sow conflicts around you and not to inflate the situations that have arisen to the scale of a scandal, you need to remember one (generally) simple thing. In psychology, there is a direct prohibition on one specific type of statements addressed to another person. They are called "You" statements...

Here they are, examples of "You" statements:

You're wrong!
- You always climb with your advice!
"Only a fool could believe that!"
- How clumsy you are!
- Shut up, please!
- And what to say instead of these vigorous words when they just ask for the tongue?

Yes, in principle ... In principle, you can leave everything as it is and not learn anything. And what? Everything is correct! So it is with them. And time is saved - no need to think about how to formulate a psychologically correct replica.

But if you still want to become a "master of communication", then now we will learn how to formulate similar, but competent remarks.

And they are formed in this way.

First.

Hold on your tongue that phrase that is ready to break from your lips.

Second.

Think about what YOUR emotion made you want to say this, react like this ...

Build a new sentence that will begin with the words:

"I feel..." or "I..."

Here is an example.

Instead of all the above "You" replicas, we need one single phrase that will replace them all with ease. So,

- "....You're wrong!
- You always climb with your advice!
"Only a fool could believe that!"
"Shut up, please!..."

We say the "magic" "I"-phrase:

« It's not pleasant what you just said."

This type of statement is, as you may have guessed, the “I” statement.

It is also called Open expression of emotions.

If you think that "open expression of emotions" means breaking plates and breaking chairs, then you are mistaken.

This is just the unfortunate result of holding back real emotions for too long.

And the real “open expression of emotions” is the ability to openly and promptly inform your interlocutor about what EMOTIONS his words or actions cause in you.

And you need to do this immediately, without accumulating negativity in yourself. Then your remark will sound natural and in no way offensive.

After all, when we say something like: “Listen, I'm sick of this joke! How much can you tell it! this is clear to the first grader - we endured TOO long and did not express our emotions, and now it's too late, now we already - insult, "break off". I should have said that you were tired of listening to this joke when it was told for the third, fifth, but not TWENTY-FIFTH time. Why bring yourself to the boiling point?

What emotions and sensations can the words and actions of those around us evoke in us?

to me scary when you start screaming...,
- to me awkward when they look at us...,
- to me ashamed that we passed this man...,
- Nothing for me unclear when you start talking to Vasya about computers and That's why becomes boring and uninteresting (Note the keyword: " unclear”, and only then - “boring” and “uninteresting”! Dig deeper!)
- I get very tired when I am forced to take part in the discussion of what is not yet.

Do you see how important it is to convey your unique emotions to your interlocutor in a calm atmosphere?

In our everyday life, for some reason, it is considered that “talking about yourself”, starting phrases with “I”, “me” is somehow ... indecent!

There is nothing worse than this delusion!!!

Instead of this myth, I (following family psychologists and their colleagues - psychologists of other directions) urge everyone to install in their minds the basic psychotherapeutic axiom:

TALK ABOUT YOURSELF

Imagine the situation: the boys are walking through the woods. One (the youngest) trudges after them, barely having time. He was beckoned and abandoned emotionally - they do not communicate on the way, forcing them to just keep up.

And this is what this kid says in a very nasty voice, referring to his (suppose) older brother:

“And I’ll tell my mother that you went to the forest!”

Here it is - a typical example of a psychologically illiterate "YOU" statement that provokes a conflict, and what a conflict.

What would this boy have to say? What did he really mean?

He meant this: I so tired of following you, you are walking so fast. to me afraid to go into this forest. I worried. I I want to eat, drink and go to the toilet. But you me abandoned - go ahead and do not communicate with me. And to me It's embarrassing, sad and boring. BUT I so wanted to go with you to this forest. ".

Do you see how much is in this statement: I, Me, Me? Doesn't it ripple in your eyes from such a "yakane"?

Probably ripples. Because we were taught never to talk about ourselves. About my feelings. It turns out that we, not directly, but definitely, were taught only - CONFLICT BEHAVIOR.

After all, it’s much easier to tell a person: “Every time there’s a mess in the kitchen!” Than to simply admit (and what’s the shame in that?) “It’s unpleasant for me to sit down at a dirty table.”

Let's get rid of harmful speech patterns together!

Elena Nazarenko

“I” statements and “You” statements “You interrupt me all the time!” “It's hard for me to speak when someone else is talking to me at the same time. I am offended and it seems that you are not interested in talking to me. If you have a question - ask it. Perhaps if you listen to me to the end, then you will have fewer questions.

“I”-statements and “You”-statements “You are always rude!” “When I hear your words, I get annoyed and do not want to communicate anymore. I know that you can be more respectful towards me. I would be so pleased. In return, I will try to be more tolerant.”

Scheme for constructing "I" - statements O The phrase begins with facts: a description of the behavior of another person that does not satisfy you, or a description of a situation that caused tension (“When I see that you ...”; “When this happens ...”; “When I am faced with the fact that ... "); O This is followed by a description of your rational or emotional reactions to this behavior (“I feel…”; “I don’t know how to react…”; “I have a problem…”);

The scheme for constructing “I” - statements O Next, it explains why this behavior is difficult for you, the reasons for this feeling are called (thoughts about the two previous points (“It seems to me ...”, “I think ...”, etc.); O The message ends with a wish what you would like and what you intend to do.

Scheme for constructing "I" - statements The layout of statements from "I" consists of: o events; o reactions of the individual; o the preferred outcome for the individual. In "I" statements, self-criticism and adjustment work very effectively. "I" - the statement implies the ability to self-disclosure.

Exercise "I-statements" Purpose: to learn to formulate "I"-messages in everyday communication. Replace "You" - messages (left column) with "I" - statements (right column). The group is then divided into pairs. The first numbers are invited to compose "You" - statements, and the second numbers should replace them with "I" - messages as soon as possible. Then the couples change places.

Exercise "I-statements" "You" - statements "I" - statements It's just your selfishness! I recent times I don't feel the same care from you. What is it connected with? You can't understand another person! You don't care what I think! You don't love me anymore! You do not put me in anything and you do everything in your own way! You always do just the way you want!

Exercise "I-statements" Exercise 2: First think about "You" - a statement that still hurts you. Tell about this group. The three are trying to understand what need moved the person who said "You" - the statement, and reformulate it into "I" - the statement. Exercise 3: write down 10 "I" - statements. APPENDIX Scheme for constructing “I” - statements O The phrase begins with facts: a description of the behavior of another person that does not satisfy you, or a description of a situation that caused tension (“When I see that you ...”; “When this happens ...”; “ When I face the fact that ... "); O This is followed by a description of your rational or emotional reactions to this behavior (“I feel…”; “I don’t know how to react…”; “I have a problem…”); O Further, it is explained why this behavior is difficult for you, the reasons for this feeling are called (thoughts about the two previous points (“It seems to me ...”, “I think ...”, etc.); O The message ends with a wish for what you would like and what do you intend to do.