Introvert Advantage book review by Marty Laney. Assessment of one's own introversion

Marty Laney

Published with the permission of Workman Publishing and Alexander Korzhenevsky's agency

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use, without the written permission of the copyright owner.

This book is well complemented by:

introverts

Susan Kane

Irina Kuznetsova

Management for those who do not like to manage

Devora Zach

Vocation

Ken Robinson

Muse, where are your wings?

Yana Frank

dedication

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift in paper and not giving it.

William Ward

Michael, my husband, with whom we have been together for thirty-eight years. It was you who drew me into the extroverted world and expanded the boundaries of my universe. I dedicate this book to you - you taught me not to detain breathing during the long and difficult process of her birth. I give you the highest honor, the Marital Valor Medal, for your patience: you listened to page after page about introverts for many hours (longer than any extrovert can listen). And last but not least, thank you for cooking my food when I spent days and nights sitting in front of the computer and banging on the keys.

To my daughters and their families. I love you very much, you have enriched my life in all its manifestations: Tinna, Brian, Alicia and Christopher De Mellier, Kristen, Gary, Caitlin and Emily Parks.

I also dedicate this book to all my clients who have had the courage to let me into their lives.

Foreword

As a child, I often confused myself. I had a lot of contradictions. Such a strange, incomprehensible creature! I studied so badly in the first and second grade that the teachers wanted to keep me in the second year, and in the third I suddenly became a diligent student. At times I could talk animatedly incessantly, making witty, pertinent remarks, and if I knew the subject well, I could talk the interlocutor to death. And sometimes I intended to say something, but my head was empty. Sometimes in class I tried to raise my hand to answer - in this way I could improve my grades by 25 percent - but when they called me, all thoughts instantly disappeared, the internal screen went out, there was a desire to hide under the desk. There were also cases when my answers were dressed in some kind of vague form, I stammered, and the teachers thought that I knew less than I really knew. I came up with all sorts of different ways to avoid the teacher's gaze as she scanned the classroom for someone to ask. I couldn't rely on myself because I never knew how I would respond to a question.

I was even more embarrassed that when I did speak out, those around me claimed that I answered well and clearly. And sometimes my classmates treated me like I was mentally handicapped. I myself did not consider myself stupid, but I did not consider myself a model of wit.

The peculiarities of my thinking confused me. It was not clear why I am so often strong in hindsight. When I shared my opinion about what happened some time after the event, teachers and friends asked rather annoyedly why I was silent before. They must have thought that I was deliberately hiding my thoughts and feelings. I compared the formation of thoughts in my head with the luggage not delivered to the destination, which catches up with you later.

Time passed, and I began to consider myself quiet: silent and doing everything furtively. I noticed more than once that no one reacted to my words. And then, if someone said the same thing, they listened to his words. It began to seem to me that the reason was in my manner of speaking. But sometimes, when they heard me say or read what I wrote, people looked at me with genuine surprise. This happened so often that I recognized this look immediately. They seemed to want to ask: “Did you really write this?” I perceived their reaction with mixed feelings: on the one hand, I liked the recognition, on the other, I was burdened by an excess of attention.

Communication with people also brought confusion. I was pleased to be among them, and they seemed to like me, but the very thought of having to leave the house horrified me. I paced back and forth, contemplating whether to go to a reception or a party or not. And finally, I came to the conclusion that I am a social coward. Sometimes I felt awkward, embarrassed, and sometimes everything was in order. And even while having a great time in society, I looked at the door and dreamed about when I could finally put on my pajamas, climb into bed and relax with a book.

Another source of suffering and frustration was lack of energy. I got tired quickly. It seemed to me that I was not as hardy as all my friends and family members. Tired, I walked slowly, ate slowly, spoke slowly, making painful pauses. At the same time, having rested, she could jump from one thought to another with such speed that the interlocutors could not withstand the onslaught and were looking for an opportunity to retreat. Indeed, some people considered me exceptionally energetic. Believe me, it was completely wrong (and still is).

But even with my slow pace, I plodded on and plodded on until in the end, in most cases, I got what I wanted in life. Years passed before I realized that all these contradictions in me are actually easy to explain. I'm just a normal introvert. This discovery brought me great relief!

Introduction

Democracy cannot survive unless it is led by a creative minority.

Harlan Stone

Remember when we used to compare belly buttons in early childhood? Then it was believed that it is better to be "inside" than "outside". No one wanted to have a protruding navel, and I was glad that mine was sitting inside my stomach.

Later, when the word "inner" in my head was replaced by the word "introvert", and "outside" was transformed into an extrovert, the situation was reversed. The extrovert was now considered good, the introvert bad. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not acquire the qualities of an extrovert, so I began to think that something was wrong with me. There was a lot I didn't understand about myself. Why did I feel depressed in an environment that delighted others? Why, when doing something outside the house, did I feel like I was out of breath? Why did you feel like a fish pulled out of the water?

Our culture honors and rewards extrovert qualities. American culture is rooted in strong individualism and the importance of citizens having their say. We value action, speed, competition and energy.

It is not surprising that people try to avoid manifestations of introversion. We live in a culture that has a negative attitude towards reflection and loneliness. “Going out” and “just doing” are her ideals. Social psychologist Dr. David Myers, in his book The Pursuit of Happiness, argues that happiness is a matter of having three qualities: high self-esteem, optimism, and extraversion. He based his findings on experiments that "proved" that extroverts were "happier". The research was based on the fact that participants must agree or disagree with the following statements: "I like to communicate with other people" and "Others are interested in me." Introverts have a different idea of happiness than extroverts, so it has been suggested that they are unhappy. For them, statements like “I know myself,” or “I feel good the way I am,” or “I am free to go my own way” are considered signs of contentment. But no one tried to find out their reaction to such statements. The research questions must have been designed by an extrovert.

If we consider extraversion as a natural result of the healthy development of the personality, then introversion cannot be considered anything other than a "dangerous opposite." It turns out that introverts cannot achieve appropriate socialization. They are doomed to the misfortune of social isolation.

Otto Kroeger and Janet Thewsen, consultant psychologists who use the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator in their work, discuss the unenviable position of the introvert in their book Type Talk: “There are three times less introverts. As a result, they must develop additional skills that will help them cope with the enormous pressure from society to “fit in” with all its other members. The introvert is faced with the need to respond to the outside world and correspond to it every day, almost from the moment of awakening.

I think the playing field needs to be leveled a bit. Extroverts are advertised with might and main. And it's time for introverts to finally realize how unique and unusual they are. We are ripe for a cultural shift in consciousness towards the recognition of introversion. We have to stop adjusting and conforming. We need to appreciate ourselves for who we are. This book is designed to help us achieve this. In it, you will get acquainted with three main points: 1) how to determine whether you are an introvert or not (you may be surprised); 2) how to understand and appreciate the benefits of introversion; 3) how to nurture your own unique nature with the help of numerous useful tips and tools.

I'm fine, I'm just an introvert

What a pleasant surprise to finally discover how lonely it can be to be alone.

Ellen Burstyn

When I was thirty years old, I changed my profession. I used to work as a librarian in a children's library, but then I became interested in psychotherapy (as you can see, these two introverted activities require social skills). Although I was interested in many things in the profession of a librarian, I wanted to work directly with people. Helping others develop, facilitating the formation of a person so that a person can live a full life - I saw my destiny in this.

During my graduate studies, I encountered for the second time the phenomenon of introversion as a very special type of temperament or way of life. The purpose of my dissertation was to analyze a number of tests to determine the type of personality. According to the tests, it turned out that I was an introvert. It surprised me then. When discussing the results with teachers, I raised this issue. They explained to me that introversion and extroversion are opposite ends of a certain energy continuum. And our location on it determines the way in which we draw energy. People at the introverted end of the continuum go inward to recharge themselves. Those who are on the extraverted end turn to sources from outside for energy. The fundamental difference in how we draw energy can be seen in almost everything we do. My teachers emphasized the positive aspects of each temperament and explained that both are normal—just different.

The concept of different energy requirements resonated with me. I began to understand why I needed to be left alone to “recharge” and stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be away from the children from time to time. Ultimately, I came to the realization of my own normality: everything is fine with me, I'm just an introvert.

As I began to better understand the strengths and weaknesses of introverts, I became less ashamed of myself. After learning about the ratio of extroverts and introverts - three to one - I realized that I live in a world created for "outsiders". No wonder I felt like a fish out of water in the realm of extroverts!

I also figured out why I hate all those joint staff meetings I have to attend every Wednesday night at the counseling center where I did my internship. And why I rarely participate in group discussions and feel foggy in my head when I find myself in a room full of people.

An introvert, living in a world adapted for extroverts, is under constant pressure. According to the psychoanalytic theory of Carl Jung, we are attracted to the opposite, which complements and enhances the qualities that we lack, and they attract us. Jung believed that introversion and extroversion are like two chemical elements: when they form a compound, each transforms under the influence of the other. The scientist believed that in tandem with the opposite temperament, we naturally begin to appreciate those qualities that we lack. This concept does not apply to everyone, but it is fully confirmed when it comes to my marriage of thirty-eight years.

At first, my husband Mike did not understand my introversion, and I could not understand the essence of his extroversion. I remember when the two of us went to Las Vegas. It happened right after our wedding. I wandered through the halls of the casino with a completely empty head. The colorful dance of flowers and lights blinded me. The metallic jingle of coins in tin boxes came from all sides and struck on the head with a heavy hammer. I kept asking Mike, "When are we going to get to the elevator?" (It's a trick in Las Vegas: you're forced to walk through a maze of smoky rooms filled with glittering automatons before you reach the elevator and enter your room, an oasis of peace and quiet.)

My husband, an extrovert, was willing to spin and spin there for hours. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes sparkled - the more noise and action, the more excited he was. He did not understand why I wanted to get into the room as soon as possible. And I turned green, as if I had eaten peas, and felt like a trout in ice, which I once saw on the counter of a fish store. But the fish, at least lay.

When I woke up, two hundred silver dollars were laid out on the bed - Mike had won them. Still, extroverts are charming. And they complement us well as introverts. They help us get out of the house, see people, show ourselves. And we help them slow down.

Why I wrote this book

Forward to see the light of things. Nature will guide you.

William Wordsworth

One day Julia, my introverted client, and I were brainstorming. We developed options for her to conduct training seminars. “I am horrified at the mere thought of it,” she admitted. We came up with a number of strategies to help her, but as Julia started to leave, she lowered her head and stared hard into my eyes. “Still, you know, I can’t stand this la-la,” she said. God, it's like I was asking her to be a society gossip. “I know,” I replied. “I hate it all myself.” We both sighed knowingly.

As I closed the office door, I thought about how I struggled with introversion myself. Before my eyes flashed the faces of clients with whom I have worked for so many years. I've been thinking about how being on the introverted or extroverted part of the continuum affects your life. When I listened to clients complaining about traits they don't like, I thought, “It's a pity they don't understand—there's nothing wrong with that. They're just introverts."

I remembered the first time I dared to say to a client: “You are most likely an introvert.” Her eyes then widened in amazement. "Why do you think so?" she asked. And I explained that introversion is a set of qualities with which we are born. It's not that an introvert doesn't like people or is shy. It was clear that she was relieved. “Are you saying that I am like this for some specific reason?” It's amazing how many people are unaware of their own introversion.

Discussing my ideas about introversion with other therapists, I was surprised to find that not everyone really understands the essence of this phenomenon. They perceive this personality trait as some kind of pathology, and not at all as a type of temperament. In defending my dissertation on this issue, I was very touched by the way it was received. I was moved to tears by the remarks of my colleagues.

“Now I view my patients on an extrovert-introvert continuum,” one said. - This approach helps me understand those who are more introverted, and not consider their personality traits as a deviation. Now I realize that I was looking at them through the glasses of an extrovert.”

I know how those who are ashamed of their introversion feel. It's a great relief to stop pretending to be someone you're not. It was by comparing these two points that I realized that I should write a book to help people figure out what introversion is.

How I wrote this book

Calm people often penetrate truths.

Small streams are noisy.

Still waters run deep.

James Rogers

Many introverts feel that they are not sufficiently informed about a subject until they know almost everything about it. This is how I approached my project. There were three reasons for this approach: firstly, introverts are able to imagine the scope of knowledge in a particular area. Secondly, they know from their own experience what happens when the head does not work, therefore, trying to avoid this terrible moment, they accumulate as much information as possible on a given topic. And third, because they don't often speak out loud, they don't have the opportunity to get feedback that would help them appreciate the true extent of their knowledge.

Over the years of working with introverts, I have studied in detail everything related to introversion, however, I wanted to know the results of new research in the field of physiology and genetics of this kind of psyche. And as a former librarian, the first thing I naturally went to was the medical library. When I printed out the list of titles, I was surprised to find that there were more than two thousand of them on my topic - it was about personality and temperament studies, as well as experiments in the field of neurophysiology and genetics. Most of them were conducted in European countries, where introversion is perceived to a greater extent as a genetically inherent type of temperament. In Chapter 3, we will focus on a number of studies that consider introversion as a genetic and physiological given.

My second step is monitoring the Internet: a lot of “insiders” should appear there. I found 700 sites about introversion. Many have mentioned the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, a widely used test based on four aspects of temperament. The first and most statistically significant of these is the introversion-extroversion continuum. The greatest strength of this test, developed by Isabella Myers and Katharina Briggs, based on Jung's original theory, is that none of the existing personality types is considered pathological in it. It is rather an appeal to the inner preferences of a person. Introversion is also covered on giftedness sites, as there is certainly a correlation between introversion and intelligence (there is even a rock band called Introversion, in case you're wondering).

The information I received from the library and the Internet was very useful and interesting for me, but most of all I learned about introversion from my own experience and the experience of my clients, as well as from the people I interviewed for the book. I interviewed more than fifty people from a wide range of backgrounds, including writers, ministers, doctors, historians, teachers, artists, college students, researchers, and programmers (their names and some personal details have been changed). Many of them used the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator and knew they were insiders.

Despite the fact that each chose his profession according to some special criteria, many of them belonged to the class of consultants, that is, in the terminology of Dr. Elaine Aron, people who work on their own, struggle with solutions, put yourself in the place of others and communicate with others. These are creative, intelligent, thoughtful people with a developed imagination. They are observers. Their work often affects the fate of others, they are distinguished by courage, the ability to see far ahead and express unpopular opinions. Dr. Aron, in his book The Highly Sensitive Person, argues that another class, the warrior class, are the creators of our world and they need advisers to tell them what to do, and advisers need warriors to act. and do whatever is necessary. Many theorists believe that only 25 percent of the population are introverts - they must not need as many as people of action.

During conversations with me, people often criticized themselves for their introverted qualities. This happened especially often with those who did not know about their introversion. They were dismayed by the fact that those around them seemed to ignore, did not notice them. Knowing that introverts need time to think about their experiences, I called them only after a few weeks, asked them about their thoughts and feelings, asked if they had new ideas and if they had anything to add. And with surprise and enthusiasm I discovered that after our conversations people felt much better and understood themselves better. “When I found out that my brain is arranged differently and I live in a world of extroverts, it became easier for me to be the way I am,” many have noticed. Scientific evidence in the form of scientific research that testifies to the right to be different and confirms the normality of this quality is a powerful means of getting rid of guilt, shame and other negative emotions that people have developed in relation to themselves. The experience gained further strengthened my determination to publish this book.

I wrote it mainly for introverts. I want the "insiders" to understand that their sometimes incomprehensible temperament has a scientific explanation. I also want them to know that they are not alone.

However, extroverts should also read this book. And there are two important reasons for this: firstly, they can learn some information about those mysterious introverts that they have to deal with in life; secondly, extroverts, especially those who have reached middle age, need to learn to cope with the age restrictions associated with physiological aging through the development of their contemplative self. And this book will help them rethink introverts and develop other, thought-oriented aspects of their personality.

Read as you wish

There is no furniture more luxurious than books.

Sidney Smith

Since introverts usually believe that something is wrong with them, they try to figure out how to "fix" them. The right path in the extroverted world will not always be the right path for the "insiders". Therefore, read this book from cover to cover or mark your favorite places - the choice is yours. Learning to break new information into small chunks is one way to deal with overexcitation. By it I mean the physical and mental feeling that something is "too much", like a car revving too high, and you can no longer perceive additional stimuli.

This book is divided into separate sections. You can read chapter by chapter, or you can open the book at will and just read the page on which it opened. Personally, I like to read books from the end. This habit shocks some of my friends. In general, use the book the way you like. And do not forget that the purpose of my book is to become your assistant.

If the information you find in a particular chapter seems important to you, great. If something is not so significant, it is also not scary. This book is a tool for your knowledge of your own personality or those introverts with whom you are familiar. The game is needed in order to create free space for something new. This book, like life, is meant to be played with.

When you comprehend your own introversion (or the introversion of a person close to you), you will feel an incredible relief. So that's it! You are not a strange person, you are not hopeless, you are not alone! There are other introverts in this world.

This book will help you learn how to "recharge your batteries." You will be able to draw up a work plan for every day - if not the same as that of extroverts, but one that works for you, the "inner". Be happy that you are an introvert.

What to think about

75 percent of people are extroverts.

Introversion affects all areas of life.

Are you okay.

Introverts feel empty and overexcited.

Being an introvert is an advantage and worth celebrating.

Part I. Fish without water

I am that I am.

sailor popeye

Chapter 1 Are you one of them?

Exception proves the rule…

Proverb

In fact, introversion is a type of temperament. This is not at all the same as shyness or isolation. And not a pathology. In addition, this quality of personality cannot be changed, even if you really want to. But you can learn to work with him, not against him.

The main thing that distinguishes introverts from extroverts is the source of energy: introverts find it in their inner world of ideas, emotions and impressions. They conserve energy. The outside world quickly puts them into a state of overexcitation, and they have an unpleasant feeling that there is "too much" of something. This can manifest itself in nervousness or, conversely, apathy. In any case, introverts need to limit social contacts so as not to be completely devastated. However, they need to supplement their time alone with social time, otherwise they may lose perspective and connection with others. Introverts, who are able to balance energy needs, have stamina and perseverance, are able to look at things independently, focus deeply and work creatively.

What are the most characteristic qualities of extroverts? They are energized by the outside world - actions, people, places and things. They are energy wasters. Long periods of inactivity, inner contemplation, loneliness or communication with only one person deprive them of a sense of the meaning of life. However, extroverts need to alternate times when they are most active with intervals of just being, otherwise they will get lost in the whirlwind of hectic activity. Extroverts have a lot to offer to society: they express themselves easily, are focused on results, love the crowd and action.

Introverts are like a rechargeable electric battery. They need to periodically stop, stop wasting energy and rest in order to recharge again. It is the possibility of recharging that provides introverts with a less exciting environment. In it they are restored. This is their natural ecological environment.

Extroverts are like solar panels. For them, the state of loneliness or withdrawal into oneself is like being under heavy, dense clouds. Solar panels need the sun to recharge - for extroverts, it is replaced by active being among people. Like introversion, extroversion is a temperament with a constant pattern of action. It cannot be changed. You can work with her, but not against her.

The main differences between "internals" and "externals"

Appreciate your own uniqueness.

Captain Kangaroo

The most characteristic difference between introverts and extroverts is the way they recharge their energy. However, there are two other differences that are also striking - the response to arousal and the approach to knowledge and experience. For an extrovert, the more diverse sources of stimulation, the better. Introverts, on the other hand, perceive this state of affairs as “too exciting.” Similarly, outsiders tend to cast wide nets when it comes to acquiring knowledge and experience, while insiders prefer to focus on one thing and go to the very depths.

Recharging

Let's talk a little more about energy. As I have noted, the main difference between introverts and extroverts is the way they charge their batteries. Extroverts are fueled by the outside world. Most of them like to communicate, engage in some kind of activity, work with people, be in the thick of things and events. Contrary to popular belief, however, they don't necessarily have a lighter, more cheerful personality, it's just that their focus is always outside of their personality.

Extroverts waste energy easily and often can't stop. They quickly recuperate by doing something outside the home, especially today, when there are so many opportunities to organize their leisure time. Extroverts may experience loneliness and feel empty when they are not in contact with people or the outside world. It is their nature to ask after the party: “What are we going to do now?” They often find it difficult to relax and let their body rest.

Introverts, for their part, find a source of energy in their inner world - in ideas, impressions, emotions. And again, contrary to popular belief, they are not necessarily quiet or withdrawn people. It's just that their focus is within their own personality. They need a quiet place where they can think carefully and recharge their batteries. “It was great to talk to Bill, but – phew! “I’m glad the party is finally over!” - an introvert can say with relief.

Finding energy sources for introverts presents a challenge, especially in today's mobile world. They take longer to recover and run out of energy faster than extroverts. Introverts need to calculate how much energy they will need for this or that business, how much should be stored, and plan everything accordingly.

For example, my client Sandra (she sells goods from the comfort of her home) on the eve of a busy day with business and travel takes time for quiet paperwork, being distracted as little as possible by communication with the outside world. She goes to bed early, and in the morning has a hearty breakfast before leaving the house. During the day, she distributes her time so that she takes breaks and stays alone for a while to recharge her energy. Thus, she plans her energy costs in advance and does not end up completely exhausted at the end of the day.

Arousal - friend or foe?

The next difference between introverts and extroverts is their sense of external arousal. Extroverts like to experience more emotions, while introverts like to be more aware of what they are experiencing.

Introverts are characterized by a high degree of internal activity, and everything that comes from the outside world very quickly increases their level of tension. This sensation is akin to that which appears when you are tickled: in a split second, it changes from pleasant to excessive and unpleasant.

Introverts, often without even understanding why, try to regulate the feeling of tension by limiting the flow of information from outside. My client Katherine wants to set up a garden near her house. She is a teacher and her job requires a lot of focus and energy. Gardening is new to her, so she starts reading Fundamentals of Weekend Gardening. But as she gets deeper into her reading, the scope of the project begins to weigh on her. She will need to learn all about shade-tolerant plants, soil acidity, mulching, watering, insect control, and sun exposure. She anticipates the hardships and expenditure of energy required to go to the nursery and dive plants under the scorching sun. Oh, there's so much to do. She reflects on how long it will take to prepare the soil, plant plants, weed, kill insects, snails, and water daily. The anticipation of joy and pleasure is weakening. With so much to learn and do, Katherine is beginning to feel weary of the sheer volume of things to come. Her head is spinning, the sheer amount of work overwhelms her. She decides that a small "patch" of land in the yard is enough for her garden.

Introverts are not afraid of complexity when they can focus on one or two activities and do not have to work under stress. But if too many projects pile up, they quickly feel overwhelmed. Later I will tell you how to deal with this.

The mere presence of other people already overexcites introverts. Energy drains from them when they are in a crowd, classroom, or noisy, nerve-wracking environment. They may like people very much, but after talking with one person, introverts usually experience a strong desire to leave, take a break, take a breath of air. This is the reason for the feeling that the brain has slammed shut, which I have already mentioned above. When overexcited, an introvert's brain may lock up, as if to say, "Please don't bombard me with any more information." He turns off.

Extroverts need breaks too, but for different reasons. If they go to the library, they stay in a state of learning for a very short time (internal process) and soon begin to feel the need to walk between the shelves, go to the vending machines, talk to the librarian. They are comfortable in the atmosphere of action. Extroverts feel the need to recharge the more they feel the lack of excitement inside. Breaks can increase arousal in extroverts and decrease it in introverts. When the "insiders" learn, they are able to absorb so much information that she begins to overwhelm them, as Katherine did when she decided to take up gardening.

How deep is the ocean and how vast is the sky?

The third difference between extroverts and introverts is the perception of the concepts of breadth and depth. In general, extroverts prefer a wide range: to have many friends, experiences, understand a little of everything, be generalists. What they learn from the environment, as a rule, is not deepened by processing the experience gained. They move on to the next impression. An extroverted friend of mine told me, “At a party, I like to jump from one conversation to another and pick the brightest flowers from each one.” She doesn't want to miss anything. For such people, life is like collecting impressions. They perceive the world as a hearty Sunday breakfast: they touch one dish, another and as a result stuff their stomach with all sorts of delicious things so much that they almost burst. Everything exciting in life must be tried, without missing anything. Extroverts are attracted and energized by diversity.

Introverts prefer depth and limit impressions, but in everyone they reach the very source. They usually have few friends, but very close ones. They like to explore the subject, going to the very roots, they are looking for the "richness" of a few experiences, not variety. That is why it is enough for them to discuss one or two topics in a conversation, otherwise it begins to seem to them that they are overwhelmed with thoughts. Their mind absorbs information from the environment and then analyzes and expands it. Much later, after perceiving it, introverts continue to chew it, like animals chewing gum. Well, who else, besides an introvert, would have the patience to study the mating dances of tsetse flies in Africa? This is why such people get offended when they are interrupted (we will talk about this later). It is difficult for them to get out of a state of deep concentration, and in order to return to it again, a lot of additional energy is required, which they often simply do not have.

To each his own

To give a good example of these differences between introverts and extroverts, let me tell you about how my husband Mike and I make vacation decisions. You already know that Mike is an extrovert and I am an introvert. Our ideas about entertainment and a great vacation do not coincide at all.

We have such different ideas about vacation that we just set the order when choosing. One year I decide where we will go, the next - my husband. After we had a nine-country-in-nine-days vacation at Mike's suggestion, I organized a vacation that focused solely on exploring the historic area of Leadville, where there used to be mines. That first evening, sitting by the fire in our hotel room, we studied the one-page prospectus Leadville Points of Interest. I was seething with excitement, and Mike had long since fallen asleep.

Ever since I saw The Unsinkable Molly Brown, I've wanted to see the place where Horace Tabor found the silver. Leadville had the Tabor Opera House, the Museum of Historic Heritage, the National Mining Hall of Fame, and the incomparable Mining Museum, not to mention the Leadville Railroad, which provided tours of active mines. What else to wish? Mike said, “I think we'll be all over Leadville by two o'clock tomorrow. And what are we going to do next?"

And I planned to see one sight per day. I wanted to feel for myself how the miners lived a hundred years ago. Mike said, “Look, Aspen is sixty miles from here. We can go there tomorrow afternoon." I said, "Hey, who's taking vacations this year?"

Leadville is actually one of my favorite vacation spots. I endured Mike's teasing about four days in Colorado, which felt like four years, without protest.

“Look, not everyone is so lucky,” I said. “Well, who else can boast that time is lengthening, especially on vacation?”

Carl Jung on the nature of introverts and extroverts

The pendulum of the mind swings from meaning to nonsense, not from right to wrong.

Carl Jung

At the beginning of the 20th century, the psychoanalyst Carl Jung worked with the pioneers of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler. In the course of research, he drew attention to some strange circumstance. Discussing the same patient history, Freud and Adler focused on completely different symptoms and, in addition, developed almost opposite theories. Jung came to the conclusion that both were hooked on something of value, and after reflecting on his conclusions (guess who Jung was, an introvert or an extrovert?), He created his own theory.

Jung considered Freud to be an extrovert because the latter was oriented towards the outside world, people, places and things. Many of the scientist's theories were built with intensive interaction and discussion with numerous colleagues. According to Freud, the goal of the mental development of a person is to find satisfaction in the world of external reality. Adler, Jung believed, was an introvert because his theory and attention focused on his own thoughts and feelings. Adler's theories were based on the internal struggle of a person to overcome a sense of helplessness, which he called an inferiority complex. He considered people to be creators-artists who create their lives with their own hands.

Differences in the views of Freud, Adler and Jung led to mutual resentment. The trio broke up, and each went his own way. Just at that moment, Freud presented the concept of introversion as negative, explaining in his writings the withdrawal of a person into himself as narcissism. This distorted the perception of the concept of introversion, and it began to be regarded as a kind of pathology. This misinterpretation continues to this day.

Jung continued to develop his theory. He suggested that we come into the world with a pre-set temperament and a place for it on a continuum between highly introverted and highly extroverted types.

What do twins say about temperament?
In her book Entwined Lives, eminent twin researcher Dr. Nancy Segal writes about the incredible discoveries she made during her years at the University of Minnesota Twin and Foster Research Center. Interesting personality matching experiments have been conducted with identical and fraternal twins raised separately or together. The study involved fifty pairs of reunited twins. The resemblance was amazing. The twins, who grew up in different environments, had a surprising set of the same traits. This was especially pronounced in identical twins. In one pair, both twins liked to discuss the same subject, to breed horses and dogs. In another, both were volunteer firefighters and gourmets. Two others, who had never met before, arrived at the meeting in blue Chevrolets. There was a couple where both twins used the same rare Swedish-made toothpaste. With further research, it turned out that the temperament of the twins is much more similar than previously thought. Dr. Segal writes: “We were surprised to learn that traditionalism, adherence to ordinary family and moral values, does not affect the general family structure.

In other words, living together with someone does not lead to an agreement on standards of behavior or methods of raising children. Studies have also shown that fraternal twins raised together, however, have far fewer similarities than identical twins raised separately. All this confirmed Jung's statement: we are born with a certain temperament. Dr. Segal continues: "The result of the research allowed us to conclude that living together does not affect the similarity of people in the family, the similarity is explained by common genes."

Jung believed that innate character traits have a physiological basis. Now science confirms the correctness of his intuitive guesses! He realized that we can best adapt in this world by moving along the continuum from the introverted to the extroverted end of the spectrum when we need it. However, he acknowledged that this does not always seem to work for people: we are more oriented or we are pulled more in one direction than in another. The scientist concluded that everyone has a “comfort niche” where we function at our best. According to Jung, apart from extremes, one can be at any point on the continuum, and this is quite normal. Jung believed that the child would be significantly harmed if he was pushed outside the natural area of \u200b\u200bhis temperament, since this is "violence of the innate predisposition of the individual." He was convinced that this led to mental illness.

However, Jung pointed out that other aspects of the continuum are available to us. And the ability to move around it can improve our awareness of the whole process. For example, if you learn to accumulate energy and thus create its reserve, then you can use it in a less natural environment for yourself. Imagine that you write all day with a hand that is not your dominant hand. In this case, of course, in order to focus on the writing process, you will have to put in more effort. Jung believed that the same thing happens to a person if he functions outside his natural niche: additional energy is spent, and no new one is produced.

Are you an introvert?

To see what is in front of your nose, you must constantly struggle.

George Orwell

Now let's have some fun. So you're still a fish out of water? Remember, the IRS gives us taxpayers a choice of two forms to fill out: a short form and an extended form. I give you the same choice. You can use the short questionnaire below or the extended form that follows to conduct a self-assessment of introversion. Choose what you like best. You can use both forms and see what happens.

Brief questionnaire

Review the statements below. Which list do you think is best for you? Or mostly suitable (not all typical for you)? Answer as it is, not as you would like it to be. Build on first impressions.

List A

“I like being in the thick of things.

- I love variety, the same thing gets boring.

- I know a lot of people, I consider them friends.

I enjoy talking to people, even strangers.

– The action charges me, I eagerly grab the next thing.

– I speak or act without having to think first.

In general, I am a rather energetic person.

I tend to talk more than listen.

List B

– I prefer to relax alone or in a narrow circle of close friends.

- I consider friends only those with whom I have developed deep relationships.

I need rest after some activity, even if I am having fun.

- I seem calm, balanced, I like to observe.

- As a rule, first I think, and then I speak or act.

– I feel empty in my head when I am in a group of people or under stress.

I don't like feeling overworked.

Which list of qualities do you like best? If A, then you are an extrovert. If B, then you are an introvert. You may not agree with all the characteristics from the list, however, one is more suitable than the other. Since we all live in an extrovert-oriented society, and work or family require to some extent the manifestation of their inherent qualities, it may be difficult for you to determine which list is more suitable for your character. If you're not sure, ask yourself, "When do I feel more rested: after passive (introverted) or active (extroverted) rest?" If you're still at a crossroads, use the introversion self-assessment form below.

Assessment of one's own introversion

Take an introversion test on a day when you are in a calm, relaxed state. Sit in a quiet corner where no one will interrupt you. Consider whether or not each statement fits your personality as a whole. Do not consider what you would like to see in yourself, as well as how you feel from time to time. Do not analyze anything and do not think deeply about each point. The first impression is usually the right one. For an outside assessment, it is better to call on a friend or girlfriend for help. Compare your own grades with his or her grade. If opinions differ, discuss both points of view.

Answer the questions "true" or "false", then sum the answers "true" and look at the comments at the end of the list to determine if you are an introvert, mid-continuum, or extrovert.

- When I need to relax, I prefer to spend time alone or with one or two close people, rather than in a group.

– When I am working on a project, it is more convenient for me not to interrupt for a long time, I do not like to do work in small portions.

- Sometimes I rehearse what I have to say, from time to time I make written notes for myself.

In general, I prefer to listen rather than talk.

“People sometimes think I'm calm, mysterious, aloof or quiet.

– I like celebrating some special occasions with one or more close friends rather than having big holidays.

I usually need to think before I react or say something.

– I tend to notice those details that many do not see.

“If two people were arguing before I arrived, I can feel the tension in the air.

“If I say I will do something, I almost always do it.

“I feel anxious when a project is under deadline and I can't relax.

– I can “pass out” if too many things happen.

– I like to observe some activity before I get involved in it.

I create strong, lasting relationships.

I don't like to interrupt others and I don't like being interrupted.

– When I receive a lot of information, it takes me time to sort it out.

I don't like overly exciting environments. I can't imagine why people go to watch horror movies or ride rollercoasters.

“Sometimes I am very irritated by smells, tastes, food, weather, noise, etc.

- I am a creative person, and I have a well-developed imagination.

- After social events, I feel empty, even if I was fine.

“I prefer to be represented rather than represent others.

- I can start to grumble if I am surrounded by people or in the thick of things for too long.

I often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.

– I like it when people come to my house, but I don't like it when they stay for a long time.

– Often I think with horror about the need to make a return phone call.

- Sometimes I feel empty in my head when I meet people or when I am unexpectedly asked to say something.

– I speak slowly and pause in conversation, especially if I am tired or trying to think and speak at the same time.

I don't consider casual acquaintances friends.

“I don't feel ready to introduce my ideas to other people until the work is completely finished.

“People surprise me when they think I'm smarter than I think I am.

Sum all the "true" answers. Now read the following comments to determine which category you fall into.

20–29 : You are deeply introverted, so it is imperative for you to understand how to direct the flow of your energy and how your brain processes information. You are connected to life through ideas, experiences, hopes and values. The external environment has no power over you. This book can help you use your inner knowledge to chart your own path.

10–19 : you are in the middle. As an ambivert, you are both introverted and extroverted. You may feel torn between the need to be alone and the desire to be out in public. Therefore, you need to understand what environments and situations always energize you. You judge yourself through your own thoughts and feelings, as well as the standards accepted in society, which provides you with a broad outlook. However, sometimes you may find that you see the situation from both sides and do not know what your position is. It is very important to learn how to assess your temperament in order to be able to maintain energy balance. We'll talk more about this in Chapter 2.

1–9 : You are more of an extrovert. You judge yourself in light of other people's values and reality. To make a change, you operate within an already existing framework. When you reach middle age, you will be surprised to find that you want to take a break from socializing and feel the need for time for yourself, but you will not know how to get it. You can develop tricks and remember what to do when you need to be alone. To do this, you will need to balance your extrovert skills and acquire some introvert skills.

If you're still not sure which type you are, think about how to answer the following question: Do you tend to feel closed off in a crisis, distancing yourself from everything, and reacting slowly? Or do you prefer to immediately move physically, do something without hesitation? In a stressful situation, we return to the most basic behavior model inherent in us by nature. If you tend to retreat and silence falls over you like a thick fog, then you are more of an introvert. If you are more extroverted, you react by immediately putting yourself on alert. Both reactions have their value.

Both are equally valuable

All people are different.

Proverb

According to Jung, the goal of a well-lived life is a commitment to wholeness. Integrity does not mean the possession of all the necessary parts of the whole, but the achievement of harmony through the knowledge and appreciation of personal strengths and weaknesses. As I said, Jung considered all positions on the introverted-extroverted continuum to be healthy and necessary. While some people are more extroverted by birth, others are introverted, and everyone has a natural comfort zone where he can save energy. As we get older, most of us move closer to the center of the continuum. But to keep the world in balance, we need the strength of each type of temperament.

In this book, I will highlight and discuss the benefits and hidden virtues of introverts. Extroverts hear praise and admiration all their lives. I will not compare the positive qualities of these two temperaments, but will focus on how the advantages of introverts help to complement extroverts where the possibilities of the latter are limited. Each temperament shows its strengths when the other cannot go beyond its limits. Do not forget that people are multifaceted. Not only introversion and extroversion are divided into good and bad. Apparently, this is the weakness of the human race - to divide people into good and bad. For example, in 1995, Dr. Daniel Goleman published the sensational book Emotional Intelligence. Before that, intelligence was described in terms of rational thinking. Emotions were considered irrational and therefore less valuable. People were divided into "having a head" and "having a heart." However, some highly intelligent people seem to lack common sense or empathy for others. And those who are empathetic and wise cannot be called intellectuals. Dr. Goleman asks: how can you bring intelligence to emotions, politeness to street life, and caring to social life? Obviously, we need to learn from our antipodes. Society will only benefit from the use of the full range of opportunities inherent in the human race.

In later chapters, I will touch on the benefits that introverts can offer. As members of society, we have important virtues: the ability to focus deeply, understand the significance of change, the ability to observe, think broadly, make unpopular decisions, and the ability to slow down a little bit the fast pace in which we live. Naturally, introverts would like to leave these qualities to a nice company, and they themselves would like to run home, and quickly!

What to think about

Introverts are different, and that's okay.

We are different in three main ways:

– energy production;

- reactions to excitation;

- the predominance of depth, not breadth of thinking.

We introverts love people.

The world needs introverts with their unique assets.

Chapter 2 Why are introverts an optical illusion?

If we cannot put an end to our differences, then at least we can secure the world so that dissimilar tastes remain in it.

John Kennedy

In the previous chapter, I explained what introverts are at their core. These are people who need to replenish energy in their personal space, do not draw most of it from the environment and, as a rule, are used to thinking before talking. In this chapter, I will tell you what introverts are not. They are not cowards, not bashful mimosa and not loners who have gone into themselves. They are not necessarily shy or antisocial. In society, they are misunderstood because they look at them through the prism of incorrect assumptions. Most introverts themselves are not aware of their own temperament, because since childhood they have been taught to misinterpret introversion.

So let's take a closer look at introverts.

Shy girls at the ball are not necessarily introverts

First of all, I would like to debunk the myths about introverts, which characterize them as reclusive, withdrawn from the world. Contrary to popular belief, these people at the ball do not hide in the corners at all.

Take, for example, Emmy Award winner Diane Sawyer, co-creator of Good Morning America! and Prime Time Thursdays. On the Internet, she is included in the list of the most famous introverts, she is mentioned in numerous books on tests for determining temperament according to the Myers-Briggs typology. In several interviews, she has mentioned her calm nature. “People are sure that a person cannot be restrained while working on television,” she laments. “But they are wrong.” Her biography on the ABC website states that she "decided to pursue a career in radio broadcasting because she passionately wanted to pursue literary activities and also challenge men on their battlefield." It further emphasizes that Diana is "known for her calm impartiality and professional demeanor". With a reputation as a tireless researcher and a talent for interviewing "difficult" politicians such as Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein and Boris Yeltsin, she has taken a leading position in her field. Interviewees sometimes felt taken aback when she asked them very tough questions in her gentle style. “People think that Diana is arrogant, in fact, she is very funny,” says her friend Oprah Winfrey about her. Diana's friends point out that it's quite in her spirit to send an email with the phrase: "I'm thinking of you."

Famous Introverts
Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States

Alfred Hitchcock, film director

Michael Jordan, basketball star

Thomas Edison, inventor

Grace Kelly, actress

Gwyneth Paltrow, actress

David Duval, golfer

Laura Bush, wife of the President of the United States

Bill Gates, IT industry pioneer

Candice Bergen, actress

Clint Eastwood, actor and director

Steve Martin, comedian, writer

Harrison Ford, actor

Michelle Pfeiffer, actress

Katherine Graham, late owner of the Washington Post, literary figure

Imagine extroverted Katie Couric, co-creator of the Today Show, and Diana Sawyer together. These two bright women serve as an excellent illustration of the differences between introverts and extroverts. Couric is active, direct, her speech is fast and clear. Sawyer - restrained, with a quiet voice, speaks in a more balanced way. And both do their job brilliantly.

Another film award winner, Joan Allen, is also a typical introvert, an experienced, mature, but not flashy, attention-grabbing actress. She was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress for Vice President in The Pretender and twice for Best Supporting Actress in Nixon and Trial. On Broadway, she won Tony and Obie awards. When asked about her nomination for an academic award, Joan replied: "I don't set myself the goal of winning an Oscar, but my mother would be delighted." For Joan, the main thing is an interesting script, which, in her opinion, is difficult to find. When asked about character traits, she cited her role in the film “The Challenger” as an example: “The issue of private life is very important to me. I am one of those who are extremely protective of her.” Famous for the depth of the game, she did not leave the stage of Broadway and did not want to act for a long time, explaining this as follows: “It seems to me that I am not one of those who chase speed.” She knows how to appreciate her slow but steady pace of life. Joan even named her production company "Little by little".

For some introverts, life forces them to be the center of attention.

A picture is worth a thousand words
Sometimes the solution to life's problems can be found in the movies.

Gary Solomon

The theme of introversion and extroversion is discussed in many films. Therefore, a pleasant way to expand your understanding of introverts is to go to the movies. Many introverts understand other people better than themselves. And some, criticizing themselves for certain actions, are much more tolerant of those who do such things. Observing the temperament of introverts can boost your self-esteem.

"Amelie" - an introverted French girl, quietly and intelligently pulls the strings, being behind the scenes of the play that is played out around her, and conquers the young man - an introvert.

"Bridget Jones's Diary" - an introverted girl. Everything she says is always wrong. In the end, she accidentally stumbles upon a nice introvert guy.

"Chocolate" - an introvert girl prepares chocolate according to Mayan recipes, she has the talent to guess people's preferences in chocolate.

"Driving Miss Daisy" is an introverted African American who is the protagonist of the film.

"Magic April" - introversion recedes in sunny Italy.

"Gosford Park" - An English maid understands the essence of the conspiracy, but keeps her mouth shut.

Take, for example, Prince William, heir to the British throne. He hates the fuss around his own person and the constant flashes of the camera. He, more than any of the members of the royal family, likes solitude. “I feel uncomfortable being the center of attention,” he laments. One of his friends, said to be the prince's "confidant", explains: "He wants to be like everyone else." The prince prefers to be called Will or William. The family and entourage, notorious for throwing their members into the mouths of the hungry British press, are trying to help him deal with the tension in public. Royal observers write about his intelligence, sensitivity and penchant for reflection. It was noted that it was he who influenced Princess Diana when it came to abandoning the title of Her Royal Highness. “I don't care what they call you,” he told her. “You will always be my mother to me.” Some fear that the prince will eventually renounce the crown so as not to be constantly in the spotlight that is inevitable for the heir to the throne. If he does become king, he will enrich the throne with many virtues of an introvert.

Known for his love of solitude, Albert Einstein is a prime example of how harsh reality can weaken introverts and temper their potential. Denis Bryan, in his book Einstein: A Life, tells how difficult it was for a future scientist to study in a German school at the end of the 19th century. "He was quiet and aloof - an outside observer." Because of his inability to learn by heart and his strange behavior, his teachers considered him mentally retarded and dull-witted. He never answered questions on the fly like other students, but always hesitated. And what? If he had continued to study at a German school, science would have lost a brilliant scientist. Fortunately (and ironically), his father's lack of business acumen led the family to move to Italy. Maya, Einstein's sister, was amazed at the change that had taken place in her brother in just six months. “Nervous, self-absorbed dreamer turned into a friendly, outgoing young man with a biting sense of humor. Was it the Italian air? Warm, sincere people? His escape from that purgatory?” she asked.

Later, when he went to school in Switzerland, Einstein was at first very worried that there would be the same suffocating atmosphere as in Germany. “But Albert reveled in the relaxing atmosphere that prevailed there: teachers freely discussed with students the most controversial issues, right down to politics, which was unthinkable in Germany. Here students were encouraged to conduct their own chemical experiments, even with the threat of an explosion. Einstein later said, “It's not that I'm so smart. It’s just that now I spend more time on some problem.”

Introverts can show their talents only in the right environment. So they don't go into corners at all. However, they are motivated to go on stage for completely different reasons than extroverts. Introverts appear on the ramp because they are led there by a cause that matters to them, an unusual talent, or extraordinary circumstances. They would gladly share the brilliance of their glory into portions - it takes a lot of energy from them. Julia Roberts is a cheerful introvert. In an interview with Time magazine, she said that when the film is being shot, she always prefers to take a nap in between. “Then the rest of the day with me is much more pleasant to deal with,” explains the actress. All introverts whose life is spent in public should find time to rest from the hustle and bustle.

Understanding terms: shy, schizoid, hypersensitive

It is possible that the ability to be oneself is always inculcated.

Patricia Hemple

"Shy", "schizoid", and "hypersensitive" are vague terms often used as synonyms for introversion. They do not mean exactly the same thing as introversion, but I think each of these words refers to some specific aspect of the personality. Let's take a closer look at each of them in order to somewhat clarify their meaning. Both introverts and extroverts can be shy, schizoid, or sensitive.

Introversion is a healthy ability of a person to tune in to the perception of the inner world. This constructive, creative quality is found in many independent thinkers who have contributed to the development of the universe. Introverts have social skills, love people, and enjoy certain types of social interaction. However, small talk drains their energy, giving very little in return. Introverts enjoy face-to-face conversations, and group activities overstimulate and drain them energetically.

Shyness is a fear of social interaction, a feeling of extreme awkwardness that occurs in an individual when he is in society. Shyness may have genetic roots (for example, a highly reactive fear center), but is usually the result of related experiences in school, family, and socializing with friends. For some people, it comes and goes, depending on age and situation. Shy people may feel uncomfortable both in private conversations and in a group. Shyness is not a matter of temperament, it is a lack of self-confidence in social situations. Fear of what others might think of you, causing excessive sweating, trembling and redness of the face or neck, heart palpitations, blaming your actions and believing that people are laughing at you. It is the feeling that you are standing alone in the beam of a spotlight, and your only desire is to fall through the ground. Shyness does not answer the question of who you are (like introversion) - it is an idea of \u200b\u200bwhat others think of you.

Thus, shyness can be corrected. Extroverts, who need to be around other people to recharge their energy, suffer greatly from their shyness. But there is a positive side to this: by mastering certain patterns of behavior change, you will be able to overcome your shyness to a large extent. These schemes are given in the relevant books and practical manuals. Try to follow the recommendations given there. They will help.

Schizoid types are constantly in the face of painful choices. They need relationships with people, but they are afraid to go deep into them. In most cases, such people grow up in a traumatic environment or an atmosphere of neglect, withdraw or withdraw from communication in order to avoid the pain of contact with others. Schizoid is a common mental disorder. Too many therapists confuse it with introversion and shyness, but they're not the same thing.

Introverted Personalities
Oh Pooh! Do you think it's the Heffalump?

Some of our favorite characters in books and movies are introverts. Probably because so many writers and actors are introverted, they include introverts in their work. Go over the list and think about qualities such as wisdom, the ability to think for yourself, to notice details, to be attentive to the needs of the group, to be able to make difficult decisions.

Owl, Piglet (shy introverts), and Christopher Robin from the Winnie the Pooh stories.

Jean-Luc Picard and the Counselor of Troy, Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Hercule Poirot, detective.

The Thinker, sculpture by Rodin.

Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Hypersensitivity - this character trait is often called the sixth sense. Such people are exceptionally receptive, observant, have a developed intuition, their insight is much higher than that of most of us. They may stay away from any social events, as they are horrified by the prospect of being overwhelmed by the power of their own emotions. Both introverts and extroverts can be hypersensitive.

If you are in psychotherapy, make sure your doctor understands the difference between the two.

Guilty on all counts, or should the charges be dropped?

Let's now look at the two most common "charges" against introverts - self-centeredness and unsociableness. It's not hard to see why we introverts seem self-absorbed or indifferent when we shut ourselves off from outside stimuli, believing we've had enough. Why? We need to compare external experiences with internal ones in order to accept new information in accordance with the old. We think: how can this experience affect us?

Introverts are not egocentric at all, quite the contrary. Our ability to focus on our inner world and analyze our feelings and experiences allows us to better understand the outer world. What seems like self-centeredness is actually the very talent that makes us understand what it means to put ourselves in the shoes of others.

Extroverts are also self-focused, but in a different way. They like to communicate, they need company, but their motive is the need for excitement: keep me busy, challenge me, give me something to which I can respond, because that is how they perceive communication. Given that extroverts have fewer internal stimuli than introverts, they need to get them from outside. Perhaps this is why extroverts suppress introverts: we irritate them because they feel that we are withdrawing, we pose a threat to them, because we do not talk without stopping or do not communicate in their manner.

And now we are approaching another significant distortion of the truth regarding introverts - the myth of their lack of communication skills, asociality. Introverts are not asocial, they are sociable, but in a different way. Introverts do not need many contacts, they prefer closer connections. Since we need a lot of energy to communicate with other people, we are reluctant to spend it on social activities. That's why we don't enjoy idle talk. We prefer conversations to the point, in which there is food and energy for us. Such conversations give us what happiness researchers call a "dose of happiness." As we digest meaningful thoughts, we get a pleasant feeling of satisfaction and joy. Conservation of energy is another reason why we are interested in others, but sometimes we prefer to observe them from the side, rather than directly contact.

Self-absorbed or self-reflective?
Ironically, the tendency of introverts to dive into themselves is considered a disadvantage, although, for example, one of the main tasks of a psychotherapist when working with new clients is to teach them the ability to introspect. We fight to get them to step back from any activity and observe their thoughts, feelings and actions. Without self-contemplation, you run the risk of falling into the wheel of repetitive behavior and spinning in it ad infinitum. For some odd reason, extroverts, who tend to be less introspective than introverts, are considered healthier people, even when it comes to psychology.

Extroverted brains give off a lot of "happiness doses" just when they're in the crowd or sitting in the stands yelling for joy when their favorite team scores. Otherwise, they cannot - they will die of boredom. Because extroverts are energized by social sources and activity, they enjoy being out and about, flitting from one activity to another. They say: "Just stimulate me properly, and I'll go." I repeat: this is just a different way of communicating, and not at all the best. Don't take the blame for temperament. You don't hurt extroverts just because you're wired differently. Drop all such accusations.

Sharing our thoughts

If nature wanted us to talk more than listen, she should have given us two mouths and one ear.

Being in the majority, extroverts generally influence the cultural views of introverts. The ease with which extroverts communicate verbally intimidates introverts and leads them to the conclusion that they shouldn't speak up. Dr. Bernardo Carducci, eminent researcher on shyness, states in his book Psychology of Personality: Viewpoints, Research, and Applications: “Our founding fathers were rejected for their religious beliefs, so they applied great efforts to ensure our freedom of speech. Today we value courage and individuality. Talkers are now held in high esteem, they have been made an object of imitation. Rhetoric, courage and frankness are now above all.” Interestingly, individuality in this case refers to the qualities of extraverted individuality. Oratory has been highly valued in most Western communities. Think of popular TV shows like The McLaughlin Band, Crossfire, or Die Hard. Verbal duel - that's the name of this game.

Introverts don't talk just for the sake of saying something. When they speak, they voice their thoughts. Although sometimes they refrain even from this. One day some of my college friends went out for tea. Jamie, a smart, calm girl, said, "I only allow myself two comments in seminars." "But why? we exclaimed in unison. We love listening to your reasoning. Jamie was very surprised. She would never have received an assessment of her own actions if she had not mentioned her strategy in the seminars. She feared, like many introverts, that it would take up too much time for others, take up too much space. We assured her that we want to hear her valuable comments.

In modern society, Chrysostoms are erected on the podium, they give the impression of self-confident and determined people. Introverts, on the other hand, often demonstrate qualities that are exactly the opposite of those that are characteristic of invaluable leaders. As a result, there is a gap between introverts and extroverts, full of misunderstandings and nit-picking.

Why "inners" do not give rest to "outsiders"

One of the greatest needs in America is to find creative solitude.

Carl Sandburg

For a number of reasons, "insiders" sometimes feel like strangers - as if our rocket landed on another planet - and often remain misunderstood. Introverts reveal themselves less and explain their actions less. Therefore, they may seem aloof and mysterious. As we have said, many praise the virtues of extraversion, so most extroverts look with suspicion at the gift that introverts bring to the world. Sadly, we ourselves often do not realize the contribution we have made to the development of mankind.

Let's look at some of the traits of introverts that heighten the suspicions of extroverts. As you go through the list, don't forget that introverts can be even more confusing for extroverts, as the ebb and flow of energy seems incoherent. Today their batteries are charged, and they are verbose and sociable, and tomorrow they can hardly pull the strap and cannot talk at all. This can be embarrassing and confusing to their acquaintances.

Most likely introverts:

- do not allow energy to come out and thus do not allow you to know yourself better;

- absorbed in their own thoughts;

- hesitate before saying something;

- avoid crowds and strive for peace;

- Lose awareness of what others are doing

- when meeting people, they show great caution and participate only in those events that they choose themselves;

- do not distribute ideas to the right and left; do not speak out until their opinion is asked;

– become tense if they do not have enough time to be alone with themselves or are disturbed;

- think and act carefully;

- their face reflects little thought or reaction to what is happening.

This list makes it clear why extroverts see us as a bit of a mystery. The chasm of misunderstanding widens under the action of cracks arising from the three main differences between introverts and extroverts.

1. Introverts think and talk differently.

Extroverts think and talk at the same time. It comes to them effortlessly. In fact, a situation or phenomenon becomes more understandable to them when they talk about it aloud. Introverts, on the contrary, need time to think, they do not judge this or that subject spontaneously, unless it is already familiar to them. Introverts may appear cautious or passive to extroverts. Extroverts are so prone to speaking out without preparation that they are often wary of silent introverts. When introverts hesitate in conversation, extroverts can get impatient. “Come on, speak out at last,” they think. “And why can’t they be more confident in expressing their opinions?” What are they trying to hide? Sometimes it seems to extroverts that the introvert is hiding some information or thought. After one meeting, for example, several extroverted acquaintances surrounded me and began to ask why I did not participate in the discussion and did not express my opinion.

I never understood why everyone thinks I'm hiding something. But, as noted, I was told that I was "mysterious." From my point of view, when I say, I mean exactly what I say. I express my thoughts, my opinion out loud. But, apparently, extroverts think that I do this for an impossibly long time, so they think that I am deliberately hiding something.

Extroverts need to understand that introverts take time to formulate and express their opinions. However, they should also keep in mind that if introverts have a clear point of view on some issue or know a lot about this topic, then beware! The previously quiet "inner" will burn with impatience and the desire to speak out.

Immersed in language
How much easier it is to criticize than to reason correctly.

Benjamin Disraeli

When some ideas are deeply rooted in the culture of a society, they penetrate the language. Our language reflects the values and beliefs that we hold on to and that "hold" us. I looked up how the word "introversion" is explained in several dictionaries and one encyclopedia. In the "Psychological Dictionary" this concept is defined as "... orientation inward. The introvert is preoccupied with his own thoughts, avoids social contacts, tends to turn away from reality. "International Psychological Dictionary" states that "... the main personality traits of an introvert are preoccupation with one's own "I", lack of communication skills, passivity." In Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, introversion is defined as "... the state or tendency to be wholly or predominantly concentrated on one's own mental life and wholly interested in it." Now hold on! According to Webster's Encyclopedia of the New World, an introvert is "... unsociable, prone to introspection, selfish, self-admiring, hermit, lone wolf, individualist." When you read such texts, you imagine a kind of misanthrope who retired into the thicket away from human eyes! And what does the same sources say about extraversion? After reading what was written, you immediately understand why most of us feel awkward because of our own introversion. The “Psychological Dictionary” says: “... the propensity of a person to external manifestations; the extrovert is social, the person of action; his actions are conditioned by external events. The "International Dictionary of Psychology" states: "... an extrovert is characterized by an interest in the outside world, in particular: confidence, sociability, self-affirmation, the desire for sensation, a sense of superiority." In Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary we read: "...characterized by contentment with what is outside one's self, friendliness, openness." Finally, in Webster's Encyclopedia of the New World, an extrovert is defined as: "... a person turned to others, with a developed herd feeling, the soul of the company, works for the public."

2. Introverts get overlooked

When an extrovert thinks that the introvert does not want to enter into a conversation or speaks slowly, he ceases to interest him. Extroverts may find (introverts, too) that introverts have nothing more to add to what has been said. Introverts do not like to interrupt others, so they can say something in a low voice, without pressure. It happens that the remarks made by introverts are too deep for the general cultural level of the interlocutors, and because of this they feel embarrassed, they simply ignore them. Then someone else can say the same thing, and the response to his words will be very significant. As a result, the introvert feels unnoticed. This disappoints and confuses him.

At first glance, it seems that introverts do not provide any information about the mental mechanisms of their inner self. During social events, their faces may remain impassive and not express any interest in what is happening. Unless they are overwhelmed with emotions or really not interested (for example, when the conversation is too light), they tend to just reflect on what they have heard. If asked, they will share their thoughts. Over the years of working with introverted clients, I have learned to ask what they think and feel. They almost always say something that broadens the topic of the conversation. But their faces are still impenetrable, and I have no idea if they are listening to me or are thinking somewhere far away. Often a group can begin to push introverts out of their circle if they can't make eye contact with them and don't get confirmation from them that they're listening.

3. Introverts make extroverts stop and think.

The third reason that extroverts distrust introverts is that we introverts do something that extroverts really don't like: we dare to tell them to stop fussing and think before running into an obstacle. Extroverts are extremely unnerved by the suggestion that they slow down a little, make a plan of action, analyze the possible consequences, and better focus on the task at hand. Extroverts already visualize the project as completed - for example, they mentally see flowers planted in the yard and are ready to immediately go to the nursery to buy them. They are like racing horses, neighing loudly and kicking when the jockey pulls on the reins. Leisurely introverts, on the other hand, like to pause and smell the roses. “Let's look around the yard first and think about how to plant flowers,” they say. Making them move faster is like trying to speed up a turtle's pace. If you light a match and put fire under her belly, she still won't go faster. "Insiders" and "outsiders" are definitely stroking each other against the grain.

Blamed and slandered

It is human nature to err, but it is even more common to place one's fault on another.

Robert Goddard

As children, introverts suffer greatly from being compared to extroverts. Most introverted children constantly pick up overt and covert hints of their inferiority. They feel when they are judged ("Why can't this child answer the question quickly?") and unfairly judged ("Perhaps because he is not very smart"). Forty-nine of the fifty introverts I interviewed felt that they were reproached and undeservedly slandered for being who they are. But number fifty, Greg, the minister, didn't think so.

Once I heard Greg quite calmly describe himself as an introvert, and I asked him to give me an interview for this book. I wanted to find out why his own introversion didn't seem to discourage him at all. It turns out that he grew up in a family of introverts, so he did not have to feel like a fish pulled out of the water. Greg developed an underlying sense of self-acceptance early on and was able to develop a balanced, introverted lifestyle for himself.

This example proves how important the environment in which an introvert grows up is for the formation of his personality. Unfortunately, most of us grow up in families that do not accept introverted qualities and do not care about their upbringing.

Introverted children tend to hear loud and clear statements all the time from all sides that something is wrong with them. In one study, conducted three times with the same results, introverts and extroverts were asked whether they thought their ideal self would be extraverted or introverted. They were also asked whether they see the ideal leader as an introvert or an extrovert. Reflecting the prejudices of our culture, both responded that they prefer to have an extroverted self and, in their opinion, the best leader is an extrovert. We live in a culture that nurtures and celebrates extroversion, and we certainly have a habit of believing that we should be extroverts.

Blame causes feelings of guilt and shame

I have worked with many introverted smart clients who were convinced they had some fundamental defect and were missing some important attribute of intelligence. The situation was exacerbated by feelings of shame and guilt. People often consider these concepts interchangeable, but in fact they are different feelings, although this difference is sometimes difficult to determine.

Shame is an extremely humiliating, painful feeling; it sticks to the body, as if you were poured with resin and rolled in feathers. This sticky, unpleasant sensation is very difficult to get rid of. You can tell if you are ashamed by the following signs:

- an urge to shrink or hide;

- desire to disappear;

- Feeling that the whole body is ossified;

Feeling that talking is more difficult than usual.

Shame has to do with a sense of self. We feel shame when we think we are unworthy of something or have some kind of flaw. As a result, we are overcome by a state of helplessness and hopelessness. Shame forces us to avoid other people.

There are many expressions to describe shame: I wanted to hide from shame. Aren `t you ashamed. Burn with shame. From shame to fall into the ground. Shame is a disgusting feeling. It stifles the joy of the involvement of others in our inner world. We are too excited to be able to show ourselves, and are forced to continue to hide.

While shame is uncomfortable for anyone, it is doubly detrimental to introverts because we have very few resources to comfort ourselves. We are likely to lie low and not show ourselves into the light of God for a long time. This is a big loss for everyone.

Guilt is a much less complex emotion associated with our actions. Guilt is an unpleasant, aching feeling that indicates that you have done something not very plausible.

We often feel guilty when we harm someone or break some rule or norm and worry that no one will know about it. Feelings of guilt motivate us to admit wrongdoing and seek to make amends.

When guilt is too strong, it causes introverts to withdraw into themselves. They may feel remorse for a variety of reasons. Many introverts see a deeper picture of the relationship between people, so they worry about how their actions may affect others. It may also seem to introverts that if something interferes with them, for example, they are interrupted, then this also interferes with the rest. Since they are usually very observant, they may feel guilty for the slightest impoliteness. They constantly worry that they are mistreating other people, when in fact they are not. Moreover, in order not to harm their neighbor, introverts sometimes move further away from the world and thus lose their own satisfaction with life even more rapidly. And society does not even understand what contribution introverts have made to its well-being.

An antidote to guilt and shame

Everywhere feelings - be merciful.

J. Mazai

The ability to manage feelings of shame and guilt is very important for introverts, otherwise they risk being unhappy for most of their lives. To get yourself back on track, use the following tips.

- If you feel guilty, try to understand whether you really offended someone. Sometimes we only think that we offended another person, although in fact it is not so. For example, introverts do not like to interrupt others. And if they have to enter into a conversation, interrupting someone in mid-sentence, they are very worried. But many don't mind being interrupted at all. Therefore, before assuming that you are responsible for causing grief to another, find out if this is so from the person himself. He may not have reacted in this way at all. Say to yourself, “I feel a little uncomfortable because I interrupted Jane when I started talking. But honestly, she doesn't look upset. So it's all right."

If you offended someone, sincerely apologize to that person. And then continue the conversation: “Jane, I'm sorry I had to interrupt you. What were you talking about? The main antidote to guilt is an apology. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself for them.

– If you experience a suffocating, sticky feeling of shame, try to identify what might have caused it. For example, if a colleague asks you a question in a meeting and you want to answer but can't think of what to say, this situation can trigger feelings of shame. You will feel the urge to hide. “I'm not good, I'm not smart,” you think. Stop! Say to yourself: “This is how my head works. I don't always find the answer right away. Albert Einstein was also at a loss when asked a question. I can explain to a colleague that I need to think about the issue, and then return to it. And let everything take its course. The main antidote to shame is high self-esteem. Convince yourself that you have no flaws and there is nothing wrong with your behavior. Your head is just wired differently, that's all. Thinking is a useful activity. It's good to be yourself.

Temperament temperature measurement

Have big aspirations, moderate expectations and small needs.

Herbert Stein

The more introverted you are, the more likely you are to constantly feel shame and guilt about who you are. And you probably feel that you are not understood; you don't even understand yourself. These experiences can force you to withdraw into yourself. There are two techniques that will help you not to go too far on this path. The first is to learn how to use the antidotes described above for guilt and shame. The second is to learn to measure the temperature of your temperament. Just as you look at the mercury on a thermometer to judge whether it is cold or hot outside, you can also get used to measuring the temperature of your energy, and you can evaluate it every day. In this way, you will adjust your day, or week, or life in order to maintain energy balance and become a confident introvert, less prone to overwork. Don't let your mind go blank or feel like others are shaming or blaming you. Let's try to do this.

Did Aunt Vera visit you? She follows you around the house, chatting incessantly, and this has been going on for a week? Note how you feel. Lead-filled hands? Ringing in your head? Exhausted? Feeling like your feet are covered in concrete? If yes, then you need to schedule your time so that you have many short breaks throughout the week during which you will replenish your energy. Or, on the contrary, did you spend the weekend secluded within the walls of your home? The body feels energized. All sorts of plans swarm in my head. You are impatient to act. Now is the perfect time to do something you've been putting off for a long time.

Obviously, in most cases, the energy level will not be so easy to determine, so you can ask yourself the following questions:

What is my level of psychic energy? Am I alert? Worried? Is your head empty?

– What is the energy level of the whole organism? Am I frazzled? Fresh? Full of strength?

- Do I feel excited? Lack of arousal?

– What do I have to do today? What is not necessary to do?

– Can I do something extra if I have enough strength?

Can I postpone something if I don't have enough fuel? If there is no more energy?

– Can I add extra breaks to my schedule?

Do I need time to be alone?

– Can some external activity (meeting friends, going to an exhibition) benefit?

What do I need exactly today?

If you get used to analyzing your state and checking the level of psychic energy, then you will learn to measure the temperature of your temperament. If someone asks you to go get Chinese food, you'll feel more confident saying "yes" if you're energized. And if you miss her, you will be able to say “no” without feeling guilty or ashamed or afraid that you will never be able to leave the house again, because now you know that you will agree to comply with the request the next time your batteries will be charged to capacity.

What to think about

Even among those who are constantly in sight, there are introverts.

Introverts are not necessarily shy, schizoid, or hypersensitive.

Most introverts have been censured, shamed, and unfairly criticized. Learn to use antidotes.

Learn to measure the temperature of your temperament.

Chapter 3 Emergence: Born Introverts?

There is silence in yourself, there is a sanctuary where you can retire at any time to be yourself.

Hermann Hesse

How does our temperament turn out to be more introverted or extroverted? The brain is in no hurry to reveal its secrets. Until recently, we could only understand what was going on in the human brain by observing human behavior and making assumptions. Carl Jung 'guessed' that there was a physiological mechanism underlying introversion and extraversion, but at the beginning of the 20th century he could not be sure of his conclusions. Today, modern technologies for brain scanning and imagery assessment have brought us closer to understanding the functioning of the pathways and how this affects human behavior. We can, for example, by making a map of the brain, correlate specific areas of its activity with the corresponding experiences and behavior. The brain map clarifies and visualizes the functions that affect temperament.

Scientists are still at the stage of brain research, but it has already become clear that their route passes through extremely difficult terrain. This is evidenced by the fact that almost every scientist creates his own, slightly different theory of the brain. A number of the ideas discussed in this chapter have not yet been finally confirmed, it will be many years before researchers have at least some certainty. And yet we are already on the path to revealing the most mysterious and amazing secrets of the human brain.

Each person is born with a certain set of qualities that make up his temperament. Candice Perth, in Molecules of Emotion, makes an attempt to separate temperament from other properties of the human personality: “Specialists also distinguish between emotions, mood and temperament. They consider emotions the most changeable, and the causes that cause them are easier to identify. A mood can stay the same for hours and days, but its source is not so easy to determine. As for temperament, it is laid down at the genetic level and does not change throughout life (only minor changes are possible). In addition to the fact that temperament does not change throughout life and is genetically determined, scientists have found that it has two main characteristics: it is different in many individuals and manifests itself already at an early age.

There is no unanimous opinion on the question of what exactly temperament manifests itself in. Nevertheless, introversion and extroversion are consistently included by scientists in the list of personality traits and are considered the most reliable basis of temperament.

Variety of temperaments

The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.

Albert Einstein

The explosion of discoveries in the field of genetic and brain mapping has led to a scientific breakthrough in comprehending the mysteries of human nature. Some of the theories of Charles Darwin, combined with discoveries in psychology, formed a new direction in science, called "evolutionary psychology". Researchers in this field are looking for an answer to the question: can certain behavioral strategies increase the chances of survival and reproductive function? While studying finches in the Galapagos Islands, Darwin discovered that in response to changing environmental conditions, the birds acquired and genetically strengthened special beaks. The special shape of the beak provided them with access to new food sources. They were able to eat not only insects, as before, but also berries, seeds and nuts, which improved the ability of the entire species to survive.

When Jung, an admirer of Darwin, wrote a work on introversion and extraversion, it turned out that it clearly showed the scientist's approach to temperament from the point of view of evolution. In each variety of temperament, Jung saw the requirement of a specific habitat for the optimal existence of a person, the creation of a natural niche where people would develop in the best possible way. In order for the human race as a whole to have a better chance of survival, individuals need to feel comfortable in different conditions. In this way, nature preserves species.

Introverts, according to Jung, store energy, have fewer children, have more ways to protect themselves, and live longer. Because they value a simpler life, establish close relationships among themselves, plan their actions and think before doing anything, they encourage others to be careful, introspective, planning actions.

As for extroverts, Jung believed that they waste their energy, multiply intensively, they have fewer ways of self-defense, as a result, such behavior leads to the extinction of an entire species. Extroverts act faster in times of danger and have the ability to live in large groups. Since they tend to grow in breadth, they tend to set off in search of new lands, food, and other cultures.

Balance in nature is often based on tensions between opposites. Fast-footed hares and slow-moving turtles. Introverts and extroverts. Men and women. Mind and feelings. People tend to adapt. Humans are programmed to never be completely balanced or satisfied, so we are physiologically ready to adapt and strive for change. We have the ability to meet the most diverse environmental requirements.

The stability of the existence of the human body is based on the principle of adaptation while maintaining stability. The body has opposing regulatory mechanisms that maintain its flexible balance. All of its systems are like a swing and have an excitatory direction "up" and an inhibitory direction "down". The various presets in our body signal when something is not right. Signals pass through all the systems of the body and regulate it until it returns to a state of unstable equilibrium.

From the very beginning of its existence, mankind has tried to explain the obvious differences between individual individuals, which are often viewed through the prism of the balance of individual parts. In the 4th-5th centuries, the theory of vital juices developed rapidly. In order for a person's temperament to be in balance, four "juices" must be present in equal amounts: bile, black bile, or melancholy, blood and phlegm. In China, balance was based on five energies called "qi" found in wood, fire, earth, metal and water. Over the past centuries, many classifications of temperament have come into fashion, and then forgotten. The concept of innate temperament was driven underground for decades after the Nazis used it to create a theory of racial superiority, on the basis of which they destroyed Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, mentally ill people. And only recently, as a result of technological advances in the field of psychobiology, studies of the phenomenon of twins, the study of animal behavior, observations of people who have received brain injuries, the theory of innate temperament has been rehabilitated.

It has long been proven that under certain conditions, most suitable for innate temperament, we feel comfortable and perform our best and maintain the balance that is vital for the survival of our species. However, only now are we beginning to understand how temperament is related to the mechanism of the brain.

Recipe for you

Nature is often hidden, sometimes defeated, but rarely destroyed.

Sir Francis Bacon

Where does temperament originate? Answer: in the genes. Our personality is shaped by our genes. Through them, the chemical formulas that determine the structure of the human body are inherited: cells, tissues, organs and systems that ensure the complex functioning of the body and mind. The genetic makeup of all humans is 99.9 percent the same. Individual differences are contained in one tenth of a percent of the genetic material, it is in it that the personality traits inherent only to us are concentrated. Chimpanzee genes are 98 percent identical to human genes. It doesn't take much genetic material to create such differences!

How do genes affect temperament? The temperament of each person depends on various neurochemical processes. Our genetic heritage includes a personal reserve of about 150 chemicals and formulas necessary to form a neurotransmitter - a chemical transmitter of impulses between nerve cells. Neurotransmitters transmit electrical impulses from cell to cell and, accordingly, regulate the functioning of the brain. Currently, about sixty neurotransmitters have been identified. The main ones are dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, acetylcholine and endorphins. The transmission of nerve impulses from cell to cell directs blood circulation, regulates the amount of blood entering certain brain centers, influencing which parts of the brain and centers of the nervous system will be “turned on”. Our response to the world and behavior depends on which parts of the brain are activated.

It's in your genes

Consider the effect of the D4DR gene, which affects temperament. We will keep in mind that no single gene completely forms a specific temperament. However, the D4DR gene, or “novelty-seeking gene,” has been studied quite well, and the results of its study are truly amazing. This gene is located on chromosome 11, which Matt Ridley in his book The Genome called the "personality chromosome" because it determines human behavior. Further research into D4DR will reveal the reason for the differences in temperament between the pedantic Queen Victoria and the adventurer Lawrence of Arabia.

The D4DR gene affects the mediator dopamine, which is involved in the “reward system” of the brain in that it causes a feeling of satisfaction and thereby affects the motivation of a person’s actions. Dean Hamer, head of genetic structure at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, investigated the D4DR gene. He conducted research on those families in which they are fond of bungee jumping, skydiving, and extreme mountaineering. The search for new experiences, new activities is their passion. They love abstruse music, exotic travel and everything new. And they hate monotony, routine work and boring people, they are impulsive and temperamental, sometimes they have addictions, such as drug addiction, and they risk wasting their lives rapidly. They speak quickly and have the gift of persuasion. Willingly take risks for rewards. Their main feature is the desire to live life to the fullest and go beyond the established limits in order to reach new heights. It turned out that novelty seekers have a long D4DR gene, and they are less sensitive to the action of dopamine. Therefore, they constantly need fresh strong impressions and thrills in order for the body to produce more dopamine.

Hamer also tested people, whom he called minor novelty seekers, and concluded that they had a much shorter D4DR gene, which made them hypersensitive to dopamine. Since their bodies produce enough dopamine even during quiet activities, they do not need to exert themselves so much. They also experience a different kind of pleasurable sensation from another neurotransmitter, which I will talk about later.

Seekers of minor novelty tend to be thoughtful people, quite content with life at a measured pace. From strong impressions and risk, they feel discomfort rather than pleasure. They live a quiet, thoughtful life, enjoying familiar comforts without seeking adventure. Lovers of minor novelty like to present the big picture before rushing forward. They are good at focusing on long-term projects. These people are distinguished by an even mood, they are good listeners and very reliable.

As Hamer writes in Living with Our Genes, “Seekers of major and minor novelty are alike in their desire to have fun—they all enjoy it. But they get it from different sources. The seeker of significant novelty, in order to feel good, needs to constantly keep the brain in a state of excitement. However, the same level of arousal in a minor novelty seeker will cause anxiety. A stable, predictable situation will be boring to the first and bring spiritual comfort to the second.

inner life
Imagine an active mind trapped in a completely paralyzed body. Only the ability to move his eyes and blink remained. Many people live in such a nightmare, called "locked mind syndrome." One millimeter separates a person with this syndrome (conscious) from a coma (unconscious). Both conditions are caused by trauma to the brain stem (located at the base of the skull and responsible for regulating bodily functions). If the anterior part of the base of the brain is damaged, the motor functions of the body are disturbed, but the patient remains conscious. Since the nerve fibers responsible for blinking and moving the eyeballs are located at the back of the base of the brain, they remain intact, and a person can move their eyes. This deeply tragic state of affairs has allowed us to better understand the relationship between acetylcholine and the pleasure that introverts derive from self-observation. It would seem that patients with locked-in syndrome should suffer from claustrophobia and experience a sense of hopelessness, but studies have shown that this is not the case. While certainly deeply saddened by their position, these people are not horrified at the loss of their physical freedom. In them, acetylcholine does not enter the muscles, but is present in the brain, so the ability to feel the comfort of life in their inner world (that is, to enjoy simply because they think and feel) remains unaffected.

Are these novelty seekers similar to introverts and extroverts? Despite the fact that scientists do not use these terms, I am convinced that we are talking about the two extreme characteristics of the temperament continuum. Dopamine appears to play an important role in how pathways are involved in the brains of introverts and extroverts, and this affects temperament and behavior.

Cerebral blood flow tracking

The turtle buries its thoughts like eggs in the sand and lets the sea bear the babies.

American Indian proverb

According to research, neurotransmitters formed in a nerve cell transmit various impulses. Numerous experiments have made it possible to understand the physical causes of introversion or extraversion. However, while we could not visualize the volume and location of the circulation of blood flow in the brain, we continued to be at the stage of scientifically based conjectures.

Dr. Debra Johnson, in an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, described the first attempt to replicate, using positron emission tomography (PET), previous studies of the brain function of introverts and extroverts. The researcher asked a group of introverts and extroverts (all selected by tests) to lie down and relax. They were injected with small doses of a radioactive substance into their blood, and then they were scanned to find the most active parts of the brain. The scanner showed in red, blue and other bright colors the areas where the blood came and in what volume.

The researcher identified two things that echoed the findings of less revealing early experiments. First, introverts have more blood in their brains than extroverts. A more powerful blood flow indicates increased internal excitation. Every time the blood rushes to some part of the body, like when you cut your finger, that part becomes more sensitive. Secondly, introverts and extroverts have different blood paths. Dr. Johnson found that in the former, this route is more complex and directed to the inner parts of the brain. In introverts, blood flows to areas of the brain involved in processes such as memory, problem solving, and planning. This is a long and difficult path. Introverts are preoccupied with their thoughts and feelings.

Debra Johnson traced and showed how the blood flow to the brain of extroverts is carried out, which affects their activity and motivation. In extroverts, blood enters those areas of the brain in which visual, auditory, tactile, and gustatory (as well as olfactory) sensations are processed. This path is short and not so difficult. Extroverts openly reacted to what was happening in the laboratory. They were saturated with sensations coming from outside. The study confirmed a key concept regarding the temperament of introverts and extroverts. Dr. Johnson came to the conclusion that the reason for the behavioral differences between them lies in the brain's use of different pathways that affect whether we direct our attention - inward or outward.

Word search
Introverts often have difficulty speaking their thoughts out loud. Their brain uses different areas for speech, reading and writing; thus, it is necessary that information flow freely from these zones. Searching for words can be a problem for introverts due to the slow retrieval of information. The fact is that their brain uses long-term memory and associative thinking. It turns out that in order to reach the desired part of the brain and find the desired word there, we need more time. In addition, if we are nervous, the search for a word becomes more difficult. Writing involves other areas of the brain, and many introverts seem to find it easier.

An extrovert, Dana is passionate about football. She revels in the sight and sounds of the game. She gets very excited and uses her short-term memory to chat with her friend Nathan about the match and list all the playing combinations during the break. Dana always leaves the stadium full of energy and enthusiasm.

Peter, an introvert, goes to a museum for inspiration, looking forward to meeting his beloved Monet. Entering the hall, where there are few people, he feels that he is overwhelmed with emotions. He immediately relaxes his attention, perhaps even without realizing it. And heads straight for the place where Monet hangs. He reflects on this picture and his impressions. To do this, he turns to long-term memory, comparing the impression of the present moment with the one he had the last time he looked at the picture. He imagines how he will come to look at her next time, and a slight regret is combined in him with quivering excitement from the anticipation of the next time. Mentally, he talks to himself about the light strokes on the canvas and leaves the museum satisfied.

By studying the mechanisms that activate the brains of introverts and extroverts, we shed light on the causes of our behavior. However, the most important key to the knowledge of temperament has yet to be found.

In the footsteps of neurotransmitters

Introverts and extroverts differ not only in what areas of the brain they use more often. Don't forget neurotransmitters. If you remember, Dean Hamer discovered that novelty seekers, due to their genetic predisposition, need to constantly look for sources of arousal in order to satisfy their need for dopamine. I said the same thing about pronounced extroverts. Dopamine affects many reactions of the body: movement, attention, cognitive activity. Rita Carter, in her book Mapping the Mind, states: “Dopamine overabundance seems to cause hallucinations and lead to paranoia. Too little is known to cause tremors and inability to move voluntarily, and also seems to produce a sense of meaninglessness of existence, apathy and a sense of unhappiness. The lack of a neurotransmitter also causes a weakening of attention, an inability to concentrate, a variety of unhealthy addictions and withdrawal. Therefore, the presence of a sufficient level of dopamine in the body is absolutely necessary. This neurotransmitter performs another very important function. Stephen Hayman writes in his book States of Mind: “Dopamine is naturally released when a person has a positive experience, doing something enjoyable. Thus, this neurotransmitter plays a very important role in the “reward system” of the brain, causing pleasant experiences.” By the way, cocaine and amphetamines are highly addictive precisely because they increase the amount of dopamine.

Since extroverts are not sensitive to dopamine and require a large “dose”, how does their body regulate the right amount? Dopamine is produced in certain areas of the brain. But extroverts, in order for the brain to produce more neurotransmitter, also need its "accomplice", adrenaline, which is involved in the work of the sympathetic nervous system. Thus, the more active the extrovert, the more “doses of happiness” are released into the blood and the more dopamine the brain produces. Extroverts feel good about going out and meeting people.

Introverts, for their part, are very receptive to dopamine. If there is too much of it, they begin to feel overexcited. In introverts, the dominant neurotransmitter is completely different - acetylcholine. In Wet Mind, Stephen Kosslin and Oliver Koenig study the effects of acetylcholine, and you know what? Apparently, Dr. Johnson was right when she said that this neurotransmitter has a stronger effect on introverts. Acetylcholine is associated with many vital brain and body functions. It affects attention and cognitive processes (especially based on perception), the ability to remain calm and use long-term memory, activates voluntary movements, stimulates a sense of satisfaction in the process of thinking and feeling. Many recent studies are expanding our understanding of the processes occurring in the brain and throughout the body of an introvert.

Acetylcholine was one of the first to be identified, and as scientists discovered other neurotransmitters, the focus of researchers shifted to them. By the way, a connection between the lack of acetylcholine and Alzheimer's disease has recently been discovered. The discovery led to new research that revealed the effect of the neurotransmitter on memory functions and the process of falling asleep and waking up. Apparently, acetylcholine plays an important role in the process of sleep and dreaming. We dream when we are in REM sleep. Acetylcholine turns it on and starts the dream mechanism, after which it “paralyzes” our body (turning off the function of conscious movement) so that the body cannot repeat the movements seen in a dream. According to scientists, we need sleep to encode memories; during sleep, the brain moves them in REM sleep from short-term memory to long-term memory. As Ronald Kotjulak states in Inside the Brain, “Acetylcholine acts as the oil that triggers the memory mechanism. When it dries, the mechanism is blocked. There is one interesting detail here. Estrogen prevents the decrease in the level of acetylcholine. This is one of the reasons why during menopause, when the amount of estrogen in the body decreases, women begin to experience a deterioration in memory. So, introverts need a limited amount of dopamine, but the level of acetylcholine must be high, then they can feel calm, not get depressed or anxious. This is a rather narrow zone of psychological comfort.

Nicotine addiction
The key to the mystery of differences in thinking and activities of introverts and extroverts was found quite unusually - in the course of an experiment on smokers. According to the study, smokers attribute their addiction to the fact that it seems to them that smoking allows them to focus better, learn, remember and generally increase their tone. Nicotinic receptors in the brain mimic the action of acetylcholine, which is known to affect the attention, memory, and sense of well-being functions developed in introverts. Nicotine also causes the body to release dopamine, which affects the breakdown of serotonin and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that stimulate the state of activity. Cigarettes create a sense of well-being at both ends of the introvert-extrovert continuum, so it's no surprise that so many people smoke, even though they are aware of the health hazards.

The discovery of which neurotransmitters play a more important role in the functioning of the introverted and extroverted brain is, in fact, revolutionary, since it follows that when they are released, the autonomic nervous system is activated, connecting the mind with the body and exerting a powerful influence on the decisions we make about our own behavior. and reactions to the environment. I think that the action of neurotransmitters that transmit impulses in one way or another, and the way they affect various functions of the autonomic nervous system, serve as the main key to unraveling the mystery of temperament. Thus, it can be assumed that in extroverts the sympathetic nervous system is leading, which increases the expenditure of energy resources, while in introverts it is the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and recovery.

Long acetylcholine pathway in introverts

1. Reticular activating system - the stimulus comes from here, where the sense of activity is regulated. Less developed in introverts.

2. Hypothalamus - regulates the feeling of thirst, temperature and appetite. Turns on the braking system of introverts.

3. Anterior thalamus - a relay station - sends a signal to the anterior frontal lobe of the brain and weakens the strength of stimuli in introverts.

4. Broca's area - the area of speech, where the internal monologue is activated.

5. Anterior frontal lobe of the brain - here the processes of thinking, planning, learning and reasoning are turned on.

6. The hippocampus is attuned to the environment and sends memories into long-term memory.

7. Amygdala - the center of emotions, in which the feelings of introverts are mentally fixed.

Short dopamine pathway in extroverts

1. Reticular activating system - irritation comes from here, where the feeling of activity is regulated. Better developed in extroverts.

2. Hypothalamus - regulates the feeling of thirst, temperature and appetite. Turns on the "full speed system" for extroverts.

3. Posterior thalamus - the relay station sends amplified stimuli to the amygdala.

4. Amygdala - the emotional center where emotions are correlated with actions in the motor cortex of the extroverted brain.

5. Temporal region and motor cortex - movement is connected to working (short-term) memory. In addition, it is the center of learning and sensory processing, as well as the processing of emotional stimuli.

Forward at full speed, or Turn off the gas

Life creates energy, energy creates energy. Only by spending oneself wisely can one become rich in life.

Eleanor Roosevelt

The hypothalamus is located at the base of the brain and is about the size of a pea, but it regulates body temperature, emotions, hunger and thirst, and the autonomic (autonomous) or self-regulating nervous system. The autonomic nervous system consists of two divisions: sympathetic and parasympathetic. The action of these two departments is opposite in direction, just as the gas pedal in a car works differently from the brake pedal. Both systems (sympathetic and parasympathetic) control involuntary functions not related to human consciousness, such as pulse rate, respiration, regulation of blood circulation, and are directly involved in maintaining homeostasis in the body. They act on the principle of a reflex arc and send impulses to the brain through neurotransmitters that regulate the general state of the body, mood and health.

When the situation requires mobility, that is, the choice between "fight or flight" arises, the sympathetic system comes into play. I call it "full speed system". It is activated in the brain by the neurotransmitter dopamine. In case of retreat, the parasympathetic system, or the braking system, is activated. It relaxes and soothes the human body. In the brain, it is activated by the inhibitory neurotransmitter acetylcholine.

I am convinced that these two systems are the foundation of introverted and extroverted temperaments. Dr. Allan Score, in Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self, argues that each person has a point of rest or equilibrium between these two systems. It is in it that we are energized and feel comfortable. All our lives we oscillate at this point. In a private conversation, Dr. Score said that "temperament is the key." Knowing your balance point, you can regulate the level of energy and achieve success.

Supporting my conclusion, researchers David Lester and Diana Berry sampled introverts and extroverts from surveys and then tested their physical responses, such as high or low blood pressure, level of physical activity, wet or dry mouth, and frequency of hunger pangs. In an article for the journal Perceptual and Motor Skills, they noted that they found the dominance of the parasympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system in introverts.

Full speed system

Let's imagine that you are walking down the street at about nine o'clock in the evening, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge coyote appears in front of you. He circles around you, head down, eyes following you in anticipation of a delicious dinner. Your body turns on the "full speed system". The pupils dilate to absorb more light, the heart beats faster in the chest, the pressure rises to supply all your organs and muscles with additional oxygen. Blood vessels constrict to reduce blood loss if you are injured. The brain receives signals about over-concentration and readiness for decisive action. Blood sugar and free fatty acids levels rise to provide you with energy. Digestion, salivation and excretion are inhibited. The "fight or flight" system is activated in case of force majeure situations, real or imagined. It is a system for managing activity in the external environment that prepares us to make an instant decision: fight or flee. The thought process slows down, everything is focused on active actions. In a situation of danger, it is necessary to wave your arms and scare a formidable animal with loud screams, and if this does not work, quickly retreat.

Are we pressing on the gas or on the brake?

Up to two years, the human body functions mainly with the help of the full speed system. Thus, we have enough energy and enthusiasm to explore the world - this phase of development psychologists call the phase of practice. The sympathetic nervous system in adults mobilizes the search for new objects: food, the opening of new boundaries, communication, that is, everything that we need to survive. Whether we are active, curious, or courageous, we use this system. If we sit in the stadium stands and cheer for our favorite football team, this system releases energy by sending signals of pleasure to the brain. The system also supplies the body with glycogen and oxygen to release energy.

End of introductory segment.

Goleman D. Emotional intelligence. Moscow: Mann, Ivanov i Ferber, 2012.

Ridley M. Genome. – M.: Eksmo, 2008.

Introverts are better at listening, focusing,
they have ways to inspire love for themselves.
James Altucher, investor, writer

Imagine a person who knows what he really wants, needs spiritual growth and understands where to direct his energy. Lucky, right? A fate-kissed hero from fictional stories? No. He is an introvert. The conclusion of the author of the book "Introvert Advantages" Marty Laney is a real revelation for those who are accustomed to looking at the world exclusively through extrovert glasses. Is it (the advantages of introverts) one person's grin, or do we really know little about introversion? Let's try to figure it out. Systematically and not without the help of Marty Laney herself.

Introversion and extraversion - destroying illusions about yourself and the world

What do we know about introverts? For some reason, it is generally accepted that if a person is an introvert, then he is necessarily shy, withdrawn, prone to introspection. He is called an egoist, a loner, an individualist, sometimes an asocial type and, most likely, doomed to failure. What do the doctors say? Some therapists (themselves extroverts, according to Marty Laney) seriously consider introversion a pathology. And no wonder: modern realities require maximum extroversion from everyone - in order to fight for a place in the sun, for material wealth.

The main illusion that Marty Laney destroys in his book is that being an extrovert and being an extrovert are two different things. And that the introvert is not a diagnosis of failure, meaning that the introvert must die out as a weak link: “Nature did not give our Universe such a setting, otherwise most of us would have been discounted in the course of evolution long ago,” writes Marty Laney. Introversion is not a disease, but a way of looking at life that has its benefits.

Getting to know yourself is a small reason for a big holiday

Marty Laney is not a system writer. But she also lacked those bits of knowledge about introverts that are given by scientific sources, encyclopedias. So she had to come to her own conclusions about introversion by observing herself and other "insiders" (as she calls introverts) in particular. She did not pursue commercial goals. On the contrary, initially she made these observations solely from personal motives - in order to finally find a common language with her extroverted husband and save the marriage.

The first thing she did was to collect facts that showed how introverts differ from extroverts. For example, she learned that the normal temperature of an introvert is below the average of 36.6 degrees. Or that the brain of an introvert receives more blood than the brain of an extrovert (studies by Debra Johnson). In general, the route of blood through the body of an introvert is more complex than that of an extrovert, and is directed to the inner parts of the brain that are involved in processes such as memory, problem solving, and planning. But the hands and feet of introverts are supplied with blood worse.

Concentration, creativity and other benefits of being an introvert

Physiological features give introverts one main advantage - an incredible ability to concentrate. They are able to renounce the vain world and concentrate on inner sensations, thoughts and feelings. More concentration - more chances to reveal your talent. Marty Laney emphasizes that there is a relationship between introversion and intellectual ability. And here she is not alone in her guesses (but more on that below).

True, the medal has another side. Due to their innate characteristics, most introverts perceive the world around them very sharply. Therefore, they automatically focus on only a few specific things that help them de-energize (which many extroverts classify as an inability to perceive the world around them).

In other words, an introvert is a person endowed with a high degree of internal activity. Those who can balance their energy needs are resilient and tenacious, look at things independently, focus deeply, work creatively, see perspective, think strategically, and have the courage to voice unpopular opinions. The activities of such a person often affect the fate of others. Therefore, the only task that the "inner" (in the words of Marty Laney) must solve for himself is to learn how to restore internal energy.

And her, internal energy, takes much more than it might seem, since the lion's share of this energy of the "inner" or, if we call it systematically, the sound engineer goes to distillation of impressions, in the process of which the introvert is constantly. Inners/sound players need to properly charge their batteries to avoid feeling drained and overexcited. If he does not do this on time, then he loses the idea of \u200b\u200bhis special nature and forgets to take care of himself.

In general, Marty Laney, author of the book Introvert Advantages, emphasizes that feeling overwhelmed is part of the nature of an introvert and one of the invaluable qualities that signals that he has taken in too much information, and the brain is actively processing it.

So, here it is, the main difference between an introvert and an extrovert, according to non-systemic author Marty Laney. It is not in closeness, but in how a person recovers, where he draws energy from. And to be more precise, the source of energy of the “inners” / sound people is not in the outside world, as in extroverts, but in the inner world of ideas, emotions and impressions. Marty Laney clarifies that the insider/soundman has a need for spiritual growth, he seeks to comprehend the meaning of life, and sometimes it is spiritual beliefs that give the insiders/soundmen additional opportunities to enjoy being in society. True, this is possible only if the sound engineer has found a way to restore and an environment for this in time.

Unfortunately, most "inners"/sound people ignore the information that is obvious to them and try to "correct" in the ways of extroverts. This way is wrong, says Marty Laney.

Level the playing field of life

An introvert should not become an extrovert by pretending to be someone they are not. He must skillfully extrovert - in other words, understand and appreciate the benefits of introversion and engage in self-education in order to accustom himself to go beyond his shell. You need to learn how to act like extroverts: radiate light into this world, and not squeeze extroversion out of yourself. “I would never have written or published this book if I hadn’t been ready to crawl out of the hole and grit my teeth and make phone calls, arrange interviews and talk to people,” says Marty Laney.

It took Marty Laney more than one year to understand himself and make his marriage to his extroverted husband successful. System-vector psychology offers a shorter way. But for this you have to learn to look at the world in volume, through the prism of an 8-vector matrix.

Types of introverts, or what Marty Laney doesn't know

For an insider unfamiliar with systems thinking, Marty Laney's Introvert Advantage is a real find. The book contains the author's recommendations on how to educate yourself as an "inner man" without breaking or remaking. They are based on awareness. Without it, the author believes, the introvert is "doomed to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over again."

However, there is something that Marty Laney does not know, although thanks to his powers of observation he guesses. For example, about the fact that the "insiders" are not so homogeneous in nature. Some are more dynamic, others are often too slow. Still others - and do not seem to be introverts at all - behave too openly, directly and extrovertedly.

In the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, these gaps are filled. Systems thinking helps to understand the volumetric mechanism of the actions of people, both introverts and extroverts. Distinguish people who are slow by nature from those who only look like such because of inner concentration. The mosaic of introversion consists of a combination of one of the lower vectors - anality, skin, urethrality and muscularity - with the upper sound vector. In each of the cases, the "inner" / sound will be different. Here are the portraits in a nutshell. With anality, the inner has the ability to focus twice on internal thoughts and on external details. He is slower, more attentive, with a very good memory and with a desire to achieve justice from the world (of course, to the extent of his understanding of this). An “inner”/sound player with a skin vector is more dynamic, and with a certain level of organization, one cannot call him an egoist, an individualist, or a closed person. Rather, on the contrary. Like Steve Jobs, he is able to lead a group of people, sometimes very numerous, behind him (more precisely, behind the idea that he professes). True, in some cases it can be fanatical. The “inner”/sound guy with muscularity is an individualist for whom the category “I” is unconsciously associated with “We”. And with the “inside” / sound urethrality, it seems, to put it mildly, strange at all - either he is an idle reveler, a person who passionately loves life in all its manifestations, or a hermit philosopher hiding in his parallel reality. Like this? As, for example, Vysotsky, Tsoi lived, Zemfira lives.

But that is not all. An "introverted" sounder can be confused with a melancholic (and also introverted) olfactory. The olfactory vector, it should be noted, is quite rare in humans. In Marty Laney's book on introverted sound people, there are no recommendations that would help such a person extrovert. The olfactory person has a non-verbal type of thinking and in the literal sense of the word "feels" a person, his thoughts, emotions. The olfactory, as well as the sound vector, is upper. In combination with each of the four lower vectors, the portrait of the olfactory person is modified, supplemented with new strokes. And it happens that a person can have not only one (sound or olfactory) vector, but their combination or combination with other upper vectors, visual and oral - the picture is much richer and more complex.

Instead of a resume

Every day we face our illusions about life. We wake up, look at ourselves in the mirror, scan the external surroundings and, after a cursory assessment of it, go out into the street with the illusions we have about ourselves. If our illusions more or less fit into today's rich, dense information field of reality, then a few seconds in front of the mirror is enough to live the day as it will be.

But if our illusions are dissonant with the world, and the world itself seems suspiciously extroverted to us, we are forced at least occasionally to think about why we cannot get involved in it as easily as neighbors, friends, relatives, colleagues do. In response to their broadcast "Oh, the world is an exciting place!", we have a strange question to ourselves: "Well, why can't you just live?" We shrug our shoulders and drown this question in the whirlpool of everyday life, until everyday life itself turns into a narrow plasticine frame for us. We are constrained, defeated, and we understand that our own illusions are no longer our size. But a paradoxical world awaits introverts. More precisely, in order for them to show their advantages. Because only thanks to this they can, like Baron Munchausen, pull out of the swamp by the pigtail not only themselves, but also extroverts. The paradox of modern life is that, despite the general collective extroversion and running in circles, the world really needs to stop and, in an introverted, sonic way, figure out where it is rushing at full speed. Where and why.

often read

Published with the permission of Workman Publishing and Alexander Korzhenevsky's agency

This book is well complemented by:

introverts

Susan Kane

Irina Kuznetsova

Management for those who do not like to manage

Devora Zach

Vocation

Ken Robinson

Muse, where are your wings?

Yana Frank

dedication

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift in paper and not giving it.

William Ward

To my daughters and their families. I love you very much, you have enriched my life in all its manifestations: Tinna, Brian, Alicia and Christopher De Mellier, Kristen, Gary, Caitlin and Emily Parks.

I also dedicate this book to all my clients who have had the courage to let me into their lives.

Foreword

Introduction

Democracy cannot survive unless it is led by a creative minority.

Harlan Stone

Our culture honors and rewards extrovert qualities. American culture is rooted in strong individualism and the importance of citizens having their say. We value action, speed, competition and energy.

Current page: 1 (total book has 24 pages)

Marty Laney
Benefits of being an introvert

Published with the permission of Workman Publishing and Alexander Korzhenevsky's agency

This book is well complemented by:

introverts

Susan Kane

Irina Kuznetsova

Management for those who do not like to manage

Devora Zach

Vocation

Ken Robinson

Muse, where are your wings?

Yana Frank

dedication

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift in paper and not giving it.

William Ward

To my daughters and their families. I love you very much, you have enriched my life in all its manifestations: Tinna, Brian, Alicia and Christopher De Mellier, Kristen, Gary, Caitlin and Emily Parks.

I also dedicate this book to all my clients who have had the courage to let me into their lives.

Foreword

Introduction

Democracy cannot survive unless it is led by a creative minority.

Harlan Stone

Our culture honors and rewards extrovert qualities. American culture is rooted in strong individualism and the importance of citizens having their say. We value action, speed, competition and energy.

I'm fine, I'm just an introvert

What a pleasant surprise to finally discover how lonely it can be to be alone.

Ellen Burstyn

Why I wrote this book

Forward to see the light of things. Nature will guide you.

William Wordsworth

How I wrote this book

Calm people often penetrate truths.

Small streams are noisy.

Still waters run deep.

James Rogers

I wrote it mainly for introverts. I want the "insiders" to understand that their sometimes incomprehensible temperament has a scientific explanation. I also want them to know that they are not alone.

Have you ever thought that 75% of people in the world are extroverts? Not surprisingly, in childhood, before they even realized their advantages, introverts often suffer from comparison with their peers: “Why can't this child answer the question quickly? Maybe because he's not very smart." In fact, everything is different. Extroverts think and talk at the same time, it is given to them effortlessly. Introverts, on the other hand, need time to think, which can make them appear indifferent or passive.

Introversion is a type of temperament. This is not at all the same as shyness or isolation. And not a pathology. This quality cannot be changed, even if you really want to.

The main thing that distinguishes introverts from extroverts is the source of energy: introverts find it in their inner world of ideas, emotions and impressions. The outside world quickly puts them into a state of overexcitement, they have an unpleasant feeling that there is "too much" of something.

Extroverts, on the other hand, are energized by the outside world—actions, people, places, and things. Long periods of inactivity, loneliness or communication with only one person deprives them of the sense of meaning in life.

The author of the book aims to teach introverts to cope with the tasks put forward by the outside world, using introversion as an advantage. Based on their ability to focus, introverts are capable of being deep, thoughtful, interesting people.

Aunt Vera visited you, she follows you around the house, chatting incessantly, for a whole week? Do you feel leaden hands, ringing in your head, exhaustion? If yes, then you need to plan your time so that you have many short breaks during which you will replenish your energy. Cheerful introvert Julia Roberts in an interview with Time magazine said that during filming, she always prefers to take a nap during breaks. Introverts whose lives are spent in public must find time to rest from the hustle and bustle.

In the following chapters of the book, the author examines the various periods of a person's life, in which introverts sometimes face very difficult tasks for them. Some introverts find it difficult to start a family because the mere thought of having to date, meet and explore a potential partner makes them uncomfortable. If the family has already taken place, different combinations of marital temperaments can lead to quarrels and disputes. An extrovert spouse will strive for an active, hectic life, while an introvert prefers to just sit at home. And what about an introvert parent with extrovert children, and vice versa? How to be able to adapt to social life and avoid problems at work?

The book discusses many situations and examples showing that it is not so difficult to adapt to the type of temperament if you know its features. You just should not make demands on an introvert that do not correspond to his nature. And above all, it is important for the bearer of the introverted temperament to learn to take into account their own characteristics and enjoy them.

As for me, I enjoyed the book - the joy of recognition. The author sensibly sorted out my own feelings from the flow of information and events, which I used to call “input buffer overflow”. True, unlike American introverts, who, judging by the book, are subjected to severe pressure from society or at least clear rejection, I have never felt negative in the perception of others around me. Since childhood, it seemed to me completely normal my unwillingness to have table talks for a long time at a party - it was much more interesting to solve puzzles or look at books, while waiting for the adults to get enough to talk and go home. This boredom from feasts has remained with me to this day (unless, of course, we are talking about meeting close friends with whom you can have deep and thoughtful conversations on serious topics). Perhaps I was just lucky: no one ever told me that I was behaving incorrectly, that I had to be cheerful and sociable when I wanted to be alone. In a word, the problem of "incomprehension" of introverts seemed to me somewhat far-fetched. I guess I'm just a happy and contented introvert.

Portal for the student. Self-training

dedication

Foreword

Introduction

I'm fine, I'm just an introvert

Why I wrote this book

How I wrote this book

Read as you wish

Part I. Fish without water

Chapter 1 Are you one of them?

The main differences between "internals" and "externals"

Recharging

Arousal - friend or foe?

How deep is the ocean and how vast is the sky?

To each his own

Carl Jung on the nature of introverts and extroverts

What do twins say about temperament?

Are you an introvert?

Brief questionnaire

List A

List B

Assessment of one's own introversion

Both are equally valuable

Chapter 2 Why are introverts an optical illusion?

Shy girls at the ball are not necessarily introverts

Famous Introverts

A picture is worth a thousand words

Understanding terms: shy, schizoid, hypersensitive

Introverted Personalities

Guilty on all counts, or should the charges be dropped?

Self-absorbed or self-reflective?

Sharing our thoughts

Why "inners" do not give rest to "outsiders"

Most likely introverts:

1. Introverts think and talk differently.

Immersed in language

2. Introverts get overlooked

3. Introverts make extroverts stop and think.

Blamed and slandered

Blame causes feelings of guilt and shame

An antidote to guilt and shame

Temperament temperature measurement

Chapter 3 Emergence: Born Introverts?

Variety of temperaments

Recipe for you

It's in your genes

inner life

Cerebral blood flow tracking

Word search

In the footsteps of neurotransmitters

Nicotine addiction

Forward at full speed, or Turn off the gas

Full speed system

Are we pressing on the gas or on the brake?

Introversion and extraversion - destroying illusions about yourself and the world

Getting to know yourself is a small reason for a big holiday

Concentration, creativity and other benefits of being an introvert

Level the playing field of life

Types of introverts, or what Marty Laney doesn't know

Instead of a resume

often read

Marty Laney Benefits of being an introvert

dedication

Foreword

Introduction

I'm fine, I'm just an introvert

Why I wrote this book

How I wrote this book

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