Is it always necessary to tell the truth?

Have you seen a person who never lies? It is difficult to see him, but everyone avoids him. (With)
Mikhail Zhvanetsky

Any reader has come across a similar question more than once in his life. And what is your own answer? If you can unequivocally answer "yes or no", I would not believe you in both cases. If our world were black and white, this question would be much easier to answer. If a General History of Lies and Betrayal is ever written, then its short version with theses will take up several hundred volumes.

In my psychological practice, I encounter such dilemmas with my clients quite often, but I still do not have a ready answer. Why? Let's find out!

A man who always spoke the truth.

Imagine a person who, under any circumstances, would tell the truth in relation to everyone, i.e. what he really thinks. Represented? Me too: the hospital room, the bars on the windows, the orderlies and the Napoleon neighbor. Exactly! The fate of such people is unenviable: he will not be able to adapt in modern society. So, all people lie and no one can be trusted?

The truth is somewhere near.

Let's start with one simple fact - our world is subjective and there are no objective facts. We are now talking not about physical laws (although they are often of a probabilistic nature), but about the perception of the surrounding world by a person. A few centuries ago, people firmly believed that the Sun revolves around the Earth, because they trusted their eyes and their ideas about the arrangement of the Universe.

There are no objective laws in relation to people, we interpret everything through the prism of our own experience and perception. I have witnessed more than once when two arguing parties had a diametrically opposed vision of one situation, and both of them were right, because they are guided by their own coordinate system. Often we take that side two arguing people whose views and values ​​are closer to us, or relationships with whom, we are more expensive. It is important to understand that all civilization is built on the terms of a social contract. You have the freedom to uphold or break this treaty, but be prepared for the consequences. In any case, the choice is yours.

The whole truth about relationships, or betrayal is inevitable!

This is how the majority is arranged, that we strive to develop close relationships with another person. Intimacy is inextricably linked with the feeling that in this world someone needs me, that someone is waiting for me at home, thinking about me, missing me; with confidence that there is someone to rely on in difficult times; with the knowledge that someone is sensitive to my wants and needs; with thoughts that there is someone to live for. But such closeness, in addition to a mass of positive emotions, carries the threat of being more vulnerable.

Only close people really hurt.

One of the psychological mechanisms for avoiding this intense anxiety is to try to fix once and for all relationships of intimacy. This desire to “cement” relationships, to give them a finished form, in fact - create one big illusion in which I would like to live the rest of my life. The illusion requires constant nourishment and strengthening, otherwise it quickly collapses. I want to “bind” the other to myself, and any HIS or HER attempts to move away or unwillingness to live within the outlined scenario will be perceived as a betrayal. Where lack of freedom appears, there will inevitably be betrayal. If there were no theme of lack of freedom, the idea of ​​betrayal would quickly exhaust itself.

AT couples ah where relationships are based on freedom and trust much less adultery, because there is no need to defend your freedom. Any prohibitions often in themselves form the corresponding motives. This does not mean that I am campaigning "for free relations and freedom of morals", do not misunderstand me. It is enough to understand that not betrayal destroys intimacy, and our efforts to preserve by any means, not even closeness itself, but the illusion of proximity.

The famous American psychotherapist Carl Whitaker said:

“Trust is just a game that hides the courage to take a risk, become vulnerable and bear the consequences of this decision.”

Meeting a person gotta be ready to the fact that he can behave completely differently than we expected. His needs may change, just like yours. To be ready, to worry and to have the freedom to talk about it - this is the real degree of closeness of two people.

About communicating and educating their kids, be consistent and do not allow your words to be at odds with your actions. Otherwise, you risk turning your child into a pathological liar. Explain to him the basic rules accepted in society, and the possible consequences of their violation.

If you don't know whether to tell the truth to another person, focus on yourself in this matter: are you ready to give up the principles of “truth”, or are you not ready to betray yourself in this situation? It seems to me that “betrayal of oneself” is often more destructive for a person’s personality, but does not relieve him of responsibility for the consequences that may occur in any scenario.

Choosing to "tell the truth" try to speak less of your assessments and opinions about the other, and pay more attention to your experiences and your feelings regarding the situation or person. “I-Statements” will help here when you start your phrases with the pronoun “I”: “I feel, think, consider, experience, relate, evaluate ...”

Make sure you want to know the whole truth about yourself from others? Do you have the courage to listen to this? Therefore, you should not discount the strategy: you know less - you sleep better!

If our world were black and white and consisted only of good and bad deeds, people, words, probably, in part, life would become easier. But, of course, it would not be so interesting. We are faced with thousands of shades of gray every day, including when it comes to truth and lies, omissions and petty deceptions. Each person chooses for himself how often, to whom and how to tell the truth, and in what cases it is better to remain silent or distort the truth. Today I want to talk about different aspects of this balance and find out whether it is always necessary to tell the truth.

I think you already noticed that there is double standard regarding the truth: since childhood, parents (moreover, any parents) inspire us that it is not good to deceive and that you should always tell the truth. At the same time, when we grow up a little, it turns out that it’s also impossible to say offensive words (and most of the truthful statements about someone are offensive), and, in general, you need to be smarter and adapt to people - teachers, relatives, friends to and be accepted in society. Nobody wants to raise an antisocial child, so teenagers are taught to adapt. And with this double standard - telling the truth correctly, but not always smart - we get into adulthood.

Should you always tell the truth?

There are people who consciously choose to tell the truth in any situation - this is their life position, their main one. On the one hand, such people live in complete peace with yourself, because they do not experience because of deceit, they do not betray themselves for the sake of obtaining some benefits or maintaining their social position. On the other hand, such a strictly "white" approach in the "gray" world is significantly makes life difficult, unless you create your own commune, full of exclusively like-minded people. The whole civilization is built on the terms of the social contract, and if you refuse it, you should not be surprised that society will begin to oppose and put sticks in your wheels. I believe that if you feel a growing need to start telling the truth always and to everyone, realize the prospects for such a decision, consider them, and if making a deal with your conscience is worse for you than living with the consequences of your truthful lifestyle, then make a choice in favor of the truth .

What if it's not true?

The truth is also different. For example, to tell a person what I really think about his appearance or a new romance is my right, and only I make the decision. And if I find out that someone has deceived my friend, and he does not know about it - in that case I - Third side, and in relation to this truth I am in a different position. If the deceiver is also my friend, the situation is doubly complicated. Each of us has found ourselves in such situations when it is not clear what will be the greater evil - to tell the truth or remain silent. It seems to me that getting into such situations is only a last resort, and my strategy is to convince the one who deceived to tell everything himself. At the same time, many nuances must be taken into account: sometimes ignorance can really threaten the lifestyle and future of the person to whom we are afraid to tell everything.

Acting within the framework of his knowledge, he makes plans for the future, makes decisions, sometimes fateful, but if you know for sure that a person would act completely differently if he knew the truth, perhaps the best solution would be to reveal it to him and save years of life, efforts, nerves, etc. Just be prepared for what bearer of bad news often gets caught in the crossfire, although he did, in general, the right thing.

Is it always necessary to know the truth

Recently, I thought that if I knew the whole truth at once: who and what thinks about me, says how different people have treated me throughout my life, etc., I would definitely not stand it and go crazy. Perhaps a person has learned to deceive in order to protect himself from the heavy burden of truth, which can easily crush everything and the will to live. I know people who prefer not to ask questions they don't want to know the answers to and live. This approach should not be written off either, because, as you know, you know less - you sleep better, and the truth is far from always the one you can live with.

Sometimes one hears such words that the true servants of God always speak the truth. But is such a statement true?

Maybe the exact wording would be "true servants of God behave honestly"? Someone might say, "Aren't being honest and always telling the truth the same thing?" No, it's far from the same.

To distinguish between these concepts and to understand the answer to the question, "Is it always necessary to tell the truth?", we can recall the negative example of Judas.

True Judas

At the moment when Judas betrayed Jesus, did he lie about his whereabouts to the Pharisees? On the contrary, he told the absolute truth, and many people later became convinced of this. Jesus was found exactly where Judas pointed out. But can this act of Judas be called honest? Of course not. At the time of the announcement of this truth, he became a traitor, as he acted dishonestly and even his name became a household name. "Judas" is called insidious traitors for more than one generation of people. This is how he told the truth!

Therefore, it is necessary to tell the truth, it is possible and not always useful. To understand when it will be honest to tell the truth, and when it is dishonest, you can use the example of the situations of the warring parties. The Holy Scriptures often describe various wars, including spiritual ones. As they call people who give out the correct information about the location of their comrades, everyone knows very well. Yes, these people are also traitors. When a person tells the truth to the wrong people, he can easily become a traitor.

Here we come to the understanding of the concept of "honest man". What is it? Being honest means acting according to established rules (for example, in accordance with the law) and giving information only to the extent that the other party is entitled to this information. An honest person is one who does not mislead for his own benefit and who tells the truth to those who are entitled to that truth.

The question arises - who has these rights?
There are many examples:
The head of the family has the right to know the truth about the spouse or children. The authorities have the right to know the truth about citizens insofar as it concerns the citizen's compliance with the law. The employer has every right to know about the employee what he does during working hours. But, on the other hand, does he have the right to know about what his employee does after work? More likely no than yes.

So what do we see? There are those people who have the right to complete information; there are those who are only entitled to certain information (related to common affairs and agreements) and there are those who cannot be given accurate information, otherwise it will be the truth of Judas.

If someone is drawn to learn or tell secret information, then shouldn't this cause the question “why” and unpleasant associations with Judas Iscariot?

Interestingly, the Bible provides several examples of people deceiving others while remaining honest and faithful servants of God. And not only people, but also angels ...

Examples of situations where patriarchs, prophets, angels and other faithful people did not tell the whole truth or specifically misled are described in the following Scriptures: Genesis 12:10-12; Gen 20; Gen 26:1-10; Joshua 2:1-6; Jas 2:25; 1Ki 22:1-38; 2 Samuel 6:11-23; 2 years ch.18.

Why did they do it with a clear conscience? Because in this way they remained faithful to God, fought according to the rules in the spiritual war, always remembered which side they were on and did not lose caution.

By the way, about caution... In the Scriptures, this quality is often applied to snakes and is even advised to be careful like snakes. In this sense, they have a lot to learn:


- As hunters, snakes always remember that someone can hunt them too, so approaching very quietly, they are also quietly ready to slip away.

- The snake is always ready for both defense and attack.

- Waiting for its prey, the snake can remain in the shelter in a motionless state all day without losing vigilance.

- Before attacking, the snake must estimate the volume of the prey, because it needs to swallow the prey whole, due to the lack of chewing teeth.

Interestingly, even if a snake evaluates the consequences before opening its mouth, shouldn't a person do it? Shouldn't people, having a goal, be as patient as snakes waiting for their prey? Shouldn't a person remember what world he lives in and understand how to avoid dangers, as well as prepare for them? (For more on the topic of truth and lies, see Understanding the Scriptures, article "Lies")

It should be noted that the main incentives for betrayal are greed, envy and fear. Note that fear is in last place. The leaders are envy and greed.

Examples of this are evidence of this:

- Satan, who betrayed his Father and friend,
- Judas, who betrayed his friend and teacher,
- Cain, who betrayed his friend and brother,
- Adam and Eve
— Ahana.

It is clear that this list can be continued for a long time. Its peculiarity is such that there is not a single person on this list who would be under pressure. Nobody intimidated them, nobody and nothing threatened them. Moreover, the vast majority of them themselves figured out how to do evil - they acted on their own initiative.
Envy and greed - that's what should be the most alarming in yourself and in people.
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Lies and duplicity are considered the main ailments of our time. From the point of view of psychology, lying is a bad habit, a consequence of a bad character, bad upbringing. And what is the spiritual view of this problem?

I think the main reason people lie is fear and self-doubt. A person wants to seem better than he is, afraid to fail. If we add to this personal complexes, ambitions, envy, then lies and pretense become both a tool for achieving goals and a way of life for such a person.

Of course, upbringing, the level of culture, manners instilled by parents play an important role in this problem. It is from the family that we derive the fundamental concepts of life and the “matrix” of behavior. Unfortunately, in recent years, parents have been trying to teach their children to achieve their goals in any way from an early age. This is the so-called psychology of leadership - if you are kind, honest and sentimental, then you will simply be "eaten" by stronger ones. Life is regarded as competition, struggle, and virtuous character traits as weakness. We are already reaping the bitter fruits of this approach to life - the lumpenization of society, the inability to hear and understand the other, disunity and bitterness. As the Scripture says, "The fathers have eaten sour grapes, but the children's teeth are set on edge" (Ezek. 18:2). No wonder, because false priorities lead to false goals. Initially, the deception in this case lies in the fact that a real leader is not one who knows how to manipulate people and get benefits in everything, but one who is able to sacrifice himself for the sake of others.

I say this to make it clear that a lie is not only a personal problem of an individual person, but it is something that can globally influence the life of the whole society and even the whole of humanity. And with all the diverse types of human lies, the circumstances of their occurrence, it is obvious that its main cause lies exclusively in the spiritual field. It is no coincidence that the second name of the devil is Liar, Slanderer. This is the primordial cause of that dark energy, which is associated with the slightest lie, any distortion of the truth.

Lying is not just a sin. This is the main "component" of sin, it is the basis of any sinful action or thought. Probably, a person would never sin if he was not deceived by the promises of sin. As St. Basil the Great says, "Hell cannot be made attractive, so the devil makes the road there attractive." Sin always deceives a person, and in each of his falls, the sinner becomes a hostage to lies.

According to the teaching of the Monk Abba Dorotheus, a lie manifests itself in three ways: by thought, by word, and by life itself. If a lie with a thought consists in an unintentional substitution of a genuine self with a certain “role” in which a person would like to see himself, then a lie with a word is already a conscious distortion of reality. Abba Dorotheos refers to the deep sinful depravity of a person who is accustomed to vice, is not afraid of it and is not embarrassed by the concept of “lie by life”. But since public opinion nevertheless condemns vice, but still appreciates virtue, a person considers it profitable to hide under a virtuous mask. This lie lies in the cynical duality of life itself.

Abba Dorotheos names three reasons that encourage people to lie, which are also the basis of all sin. This is, firstly, voluptuousness, that is, the desire to fulfill every desire; secondly, love of money - the desire to acquire material values; and, thirdly, love of glory, which in the case of the monks was expressed in unwillingness to reconcile.

- A lie outside gives rise to a lie to oneself: a person ceases to expose himself, to honestly admit to himself what he has done. This leads to false confession and, consequently, to depression. How to start telling the truth to yourself? And what is fraught with self-deception?

St. Theophan the Recluse teaches that "one must be able to divide oneself into oneself and the enemy hidden in me." The main trick of the devil is that he inspires a person as if his thoughts and feelings are himself. When we begin to separate ourselves from our own emotions, feelings and thoughts, they can no longer control us.

Self-deception is always associated with self-justification, the belief that anyone can be to blame for this or that problem, but not myself. Avoiding problems in this way deprives a person of the opportunity to solve them. Therefore, the Monk Paisios the Holy Mountaineer said: “By justifying yourself, you seem to be building a wall separating you from God, and thus cutting off all connection with him.” We need to learn to be responsible before God and people for our lives, actions and thoughts. Do not hide your head in the sand, but open your heart to God, Who, seeing the sincere aspiration of a person, will always help and guide you on the true path.

The starting point of everyone's spiritual life is an honest look turned inward. Therefore, the holy fathers said that the first sign of the recovery of the soul is the vision of one's sins, countless, like the sand of the sea. Until a person realizes the depth of his fall, sees his weakness and tries to build his life on his own, only disappointment and endless wanderings await him. Passions blind us, manipulate consciousness. Therefore, in order to see the real picture of your situation, you need to shift your own ego from the center of life and look at yourself from a different angle. It is important, in addition to your shortcomings and spiritual illnesses, to see also the One Who can heal them. It is only in the power of the Lord to save us from ourselves, our own passions and sinful habits. Without God, an honest look at oneself can end in despondency and despair. Spiritual illnesses are cured by the grace that a person receives in the Sacraments of the Church, prayer and repentance.

The gospel gives us not only the truth about ourselves, but also the hope of correction. I came across an interesting analogy from a spiritual writer. He compared the sinful fall of a person to exercise on a trampoline: the lower the point of falling, the higher the person "rises" in repentance. Therefore, to know the truth about yourself, to honestly expose your shortcomings, to see them is not self-flagellation or humiliation, but the only way out of a personality crisis.

Interviewed by Natalya Goroshkova

Is there a good lie? Maybe. I had to keep back a couple of times or lie with the best of intentions. I think you did the same. But what can be considered a white lie, and how justified is its use? Let's try to figure it out.

Naturally, the most popular reason is the desire to deceive for one's own benefit or for the sake of maintaining a relationship. But there is a second form of lies - the so-called lie for good. When it is used:

• to encourage a person in, motivate to fight;
• to keep calm, not to make someone nervous;
• not to offend a friend;
• to avoid scandal;
• so as not to injure the psyche of the interlocutor;
• not to upset or disappoint someone;
• for the sake of safety;
• to set the mood.

Lies for the benefit very closely borders on the personal or personal. Often this boundary is blurred. Perhaps the most harmless and justified lies are made-up encouraging stories like “you won’t believe it, I had it too.” Everything else is difficult to judge unambiguously.

An interesting fact: many experiments in psychology began by deceiving the participants. They were told that they would investigate one thing, but in fact, psychologists were studying another phenomenon. Otherwise, the participants would not be able to be natural or would refuse to participate, which would derail the experiment and slow down the development of science.

Pros and cons

What is dangerous any, even a good lie:

1. It does not solve the problem, but only masks fears, complexes, anxieties, etc.
2. It distorts the perception of reality, puts rose-colored glasses on a person. Imagine that one person hides his illness from other people. As a result, they do not know which mode in relationships is more reasonable to adhere to or, if it is a deadly disease, they do not have time to come to terms with the diagnosis.
3. Lies are dangerous. If a well-meaning person hides their real location or real company, then in case of problems or an accident, relatives and friends will have no real leads. This item is especially relevant for young girls who hide from their parents who and where they meet. Or for lovers.
4. Lies in the form of making up problems and childish excuses such as “my stomach hurts, so I can’t go with you” can cause concern for relatives or an offer to visit the hospital. What's next? A real examination and treatment or a confession that just didn't feel like going. In general, a lie can drive the author into a corner and cause even more negative consequences than the original truth.

When lies are justified:

• You can keep silent about some fact from the past, if it definitely does not affect the present and future.
• If you are sure that you will cope with the difficulties, and they really will not touch the other person.
• When communicating with young children in certain circumstances and due to their age, for example, you should not inform a child of 2 years about the death of a beloved pet. However, it is better to get as close as possible to the truth and gently convey it.
• In a situation where the truth can destroy a reputation or relationship, but withholding it will not cause harm. We are talking about some shameful experience of the past, from which you have learned a lesson and will definitely not repeat this.
• Under interrogation to expose the criminal.
• In a situation where the job description requires it in order to prevent panic. Relevant for medical practice.

Lying should not be a spontaneous action, a habit. It is justified only when it has become a meaningful and deliberate decision. Moreover, it is important to understand the full responsibility of this choice, to see its consequences and to be confident in your own ability to cope with them.

It should be a healing thoughtful plan, not just a lie. And if you decide to lie, then never reveal the deception yourself. Therein lies the difficulty. Is it possible to live with a secret or a wagon of secrets, remember every little thing so as not to make a mistake?

Who are they lying to?

If we do not consider pathological lies, then in the relationship of healthy people, the root cause is the one who is being lied to. He either does not know how to accept the truth, or is dangerous with his reactions.

It doesn't justify lying. But in this case, it is just as inadequate as the weakness of the one who is being lied to is inadequate. And the inability to accept the truth is nothing but weakness. It is better not to communicate with such a person at all, but if an unpleasant topic cannot be avoided, then you can lie.

But this, in my opinion, is more relevant for "unwholesome" lies. As for the white lie, I think it is present in any relationship and depends on all participants.

Afterword

In my opinion, the truth should be told in most cases. But if it is possible to encourage or keep a person calm, without building castles in the air and without harming adequate perception, then you can lie.

After all, it is better if a friend learns from a loved one that the jacket does not suit him very well or that the product of his work leaves much to be desired than an unfamiliar person will say this with shame later. Any lie, and even more so a lie for good, must be carefully thought out.

It makes no sense to lie to a person that his drawing is a work of art if it is not. Constructive criticism and development assistance in this context is a much better act than a white lie. True, in this case, one has to recall the previous point: can a person accept constructive criticism?

In general, one should always consider all alternatives and check whether a lie for the good is actually such. It often leads to yet another choice of the lesser of two evils. In the foregoing example, you may have to choose between hurting your friend or making him publicly fail. What would be better for him in this case? For him, not for you.

Each person decides for himself whether it is always necessary to tell the truth.