Psychologist and psychotherapist Zoya Bogdanova talks about how to respond to such situations and get out of them with dignity.

The boundaries of personal space

Each of us has an inviolable personal space. This concept refers not only to the physical distance we allow others to reach, but also to matters that concern only us and no one else. So if you do not want to discuss certain aspects of your life, then without any remorse you can not do this.

Of course, choosing this path, you will have to face certain difficulties. Unfortunately, there is a belief that any person can express value judgments, thus showing “care”. People are sure that they can intrude into someone else's personal space, evaluate, condemn, neglecting the feelings of others. Behind the mask of concern, most often lies the desire to hook, assert oneself, express one's own opinion regarding what is happening.

When unpleasant questions are asked without malicious intent

It happens that the interlocutor simply does not understand that he is asking an incorrect question. Men especially sin with this, not thinking about the fact that for girls some words may sound insulting. For example:

– What is your clothing size?

If you are sure that the interlocutor asked you about something without malicious intent, explain to him that such questions hurt your feelings and are unacceptable for you. Be polite and don't get personal. To the question about the size of clothes, you can answer:

“In general, girls should not ask such questions. You can find out everything much more tactfully. When you bring your coat, look at the tag.

- It's too early to pick up a wedding dress. Delay with this!

With the systematic "bombardment" of unpleasant questions

If a person regularly asks provocative questions, one must understand that the problems that lie in his unconscious speak for him. In fact, the spiteful critic is tormented by well-defined pain points. For example:

- Why don't you have children? The clock is ticking!

There can be many reasons for such a question: early pregnancy, infertility, problems in the intimate sphere.

But your task is not to look for the roots of other people's problems, but to fight back and not allow them to enter your personal territory. It is necessary to return a person to the border that he crossed.

Can answer:

“What makes you think you can ask such personal questions?”

- This is our private matter, which I will not discuss with you.

When unpleasant questions are used as a way of self-affirmation

Sometimes people ask questions like this to experience the satisfaction of knowing that they managed to put the interlocutor below themselves. It hurts their self-esteem.

- Oh, you've lost so much weight! What, sick?

In this case, it is important to keep cool. It's best to answer a question with a question:

- Are you a doctor? What makes you think I'm sick?

- Do you want to lose weight too?

When answering uncomfortable and incorrect questions, it is important to strike a balance. On the one hand, to protect yourself from attacks and prevent a repetition of the situation. On the other hand, do not answer too sharply, do not insult or humiliate the interlocutor in response, this will only provoke the manifestation of aggression in him.

If the question really touched you, you should count to 20 and only then answer. Try not to raise your tone: don't give your opponent a chance to enjoy the knowledge that he hit you. When rebuffed, such a person will try to resort to manipulation to make you feel guilty:

- Why are you immediately offended, I didn’t mean anything bad (a)!

Other favorite phrases: “Why are you immediately offended? Why are you hiding from me?"

To this you can answer:

- I say without offense that you have crossed (a) personal boundaries. We can talk about something else.

Remember that no one has the right to invade your personal space and ask incorrect questions under the guise of friendly participation or simple curiosity. You and only you decide with whom and in what form you share the details of your life.

The situation is aggravated by the fact that in such situations it is sometimes very difficult to find the right words that will not offend your interlocutor. Examples of the need to get away from unpleasant conversation many - personal topics that you do not want to discuss with unfamiliar people, moralizing relatives, which often end with a discussion of your shortcomings or even quarrels.

In order not to answer provocative questions and at the same time not offend a person, you can use some very useful tips.

So here it is how to avoid an unpleasant conversation:

1. Change the subject of the conversation

The most common and reliable option is to change the theme unpleasant conversation. For example, if your significant other is trying to evoke certain emotions in you or lead you to a frank conversation about a situation, you can ask her opinion about a completely different moment - about your hairstyle, about a new recipe for cooking a dish. An unexpected reaction on your part will be a compliment. Believe me, after warm words addressed to you, your spouse will definitely change their mood.

This method can be applied in almost all spheres of life - with unpleasant conversation with the boss, for example, about a recreation center in the Leningrad region, it was inexpensive, and now the cost for some reason has doubled. Or when sorting out relations with colleagues at work, when talking with parents.

2. Reschedule the conversation

There are a lot of reasons for not wanting to talk about certain topics. Moreover, the rejection of the topic can be caused not only by your attitude to the interlocutor and his questions, but also by a banal lack of time. In this situation, you do not need to invent anything - just reschedule the meeting, using an honest argument - you do not have time. The only thing you need to pay attention to is your tone. Try to say this to the person tactfully and with the maximum degree of politeness.

3. Be patient

Much harder to give up unpleasant conversation with an annoying interlocutor. In such a situation, you need to stock up on a certain amount of patience. As a rule, persistent and obsessive people, even when they are refused, repeat their attempts to find out the answers to their questions. There is only one way out - do not give in, and every time you contact you, say that you are busy, that you do not have time, change topics. Moreover, rudeness in such situations is also better to try to avoid. Otherwise, the interlocutor will have aggression, and yours may end in a quarrel or violent showdown.

Difficult conversations are an inevitable, albeit extremely unpleasant, part of our lives. The most difficult thing is to muster up the courage and start an unpleasant conversation that can pretty much get on your nerves. If you have found the strength in yourself and decided to have such a conversation, you need to be sure that you can remain calm and look at the situation with an open mind. In addition, it is very important to be able to express your thoughts in such a manner that your interlocutor is ready to openly discuss problems and does not hate you.

Steps

Part 1

Preparing for a conversation

You need to be clear about your purpose. Ask yourself what exactly you want to accomplish with this conversation. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible and make sure your end goals are inherently noble and not selfish.

• You must be clear about what result you want to achieve as a result of this conversation.
• You should expect that by the end of the conversation you will have to make some compromise. Decide in advance on what points you will fundamentally not make concessions so that you know what issues you will have to take a tough stance on.
• Consider if you have any ulterior motives. If the situation makes you feel angry, then you may feel a desire to punish the interlocutor, take some revenge, or make the person feel ashamed. You need to be honest with yourself about these feelings and work through them before you start a discussion.

1. Determine what exactly is at the root of the problem. You may have a general understanding of the nature of the problem, but in most cases, the main difficulties are due to deeper causes. To be successful, you will need to work on the root causes of the problem.

   • More specifically, you should ask yourself what behavior is causing the problem and how that behavior affects you and the other people involved in the situation.
   • Think about the question until you can formulate the essence of the problem in the form of two or three precise statements.

2. Do not take into account your own assumptions. Determine what assumptions you have about your opponent's position. Consider carefully which of these assumptions are factual and which are purely emotional. Try to get rid of those that are based only on emotions.

   • Ask yourself how you think your opponent feels about you. If you feel like the person is ignoring your interests, intimidating you, or being disrespectful, you can assume that the person is negative towards you. Although this attitude may be unintentional, it inevitably leaves a mark on the person's actions towards you.

3. Take it easy. Control yourself. If you approach a conversation in a high-energy emotional state, then the situation is likely to spiral out of control much faster.

   • Consider the possibility that your pain points will be touched during the conversation. For example, if you always have problems when people ignore your concerns, you may react more emotionally if your interlocutor does this. Try to leave out long-term personal problems, and take into account only the current state of affairs.

4. Keep a positive attitude. Even if you are overcome by the desire to focus on all the issues that can go wrong, this attitude is unlikely to help resolve the situation. It is much better to approach the conversation with a reasonable amount of healthy optimism about the success of the conversation.

   • There is a certain truth to the idea of ​​a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think the conversation will be difficult and will end in failure, chances are it will.
   • On the other hand, if you believe that something good will come out of your conversation, regardless of the end result, you will be much calmer and more cooperative.

5. Look at the situation from different angles. You need to understand well both your position on the issue and the position of your interlocutor. Try to imagine how the situation is seen from the point of view of your interlocutor.

   • Ask yourself what is your contribution to the problem, and what is the contribution of your interlocutor.
   • Clarify for yourself what your needs and concerns are related to conflict resolution.
   • Ask yourself if the other person is aware of the problem, and if so, how they view the situation. Be sure to take into account the concerns and needs the other person may have.

6. Practice speaking. Mentally rehearse the upcoming conversation or ask a disinterested person to help you with this. Repeat this exercise one or two times. Nevertheless, you should not declare the rehearsal a sufficient reason to justify yourself and once again postpone the upcoming conversation.

   • If you are rehearsing a conversation with someone else, make sure that your partner understands the essence of the situation, but at the same time remains neutral and will not betray your trust in the future and will not divulge information.
   • As you mentally rehearse the conversation, imagine both positive and negative outcomes and find the best course of action for yourself in all situations.

   Part 2

   Starting a conversation

   1. Carry out the conversation on neutral territory. You should not assign a conversation either on your territory or on the territory of your opponent. Instead, try to arrange a meeting in a place that is not related to either of you.

      • You should not, for example, invite a person to talk to your office or offer to have a conversation in your opponent's office.
      • Consider arranging the conversation in a meeting room (if you work for the same company), in the living room (if you live in the same house), or in a less crowded public space, such as a cafe or park.
      • Avoid talking in front of other people. Even if the conversation takes place in a public place, try to find a corner where there will be as few strangers as possible. You and your interlocutor are unlikely to feel comfortable enough for a frank conversation if strangers witness any of your words or gestures.

   2. Determine how long your conversation will last. It would be ideal to agree that the conversation will last until you solve the problem you are facing. However, at times you feel that you are going around in circles to no avail and are unable to come to any solution to the problem. To prevent this possibility, it may be useful to set a time limit for talking before starting a conversation.

   3. Start the conversation in a direct but non-aggressive manner. Talk honestly and directly about the topic of discussion, while starting the conversation calmly and without accusations. Otherwise, you will simply force the interlocutor to automatically start defending himself.

      • Consider taking the following line of action: "I think we have different views on this issue, but let's try to talk for a few minutes and try to understand each other a little better."
      • Be honest about the subject matter. Don't underestimate the importance of your conversation or you risk finding that your conversation partner feels cheated and cornered.

   Part 3

   Focus on the conversation

   1. Show interest in the topic of discussion. Develop the topic of conversation by asking questions and listening carefully to the answers. At the same time, pay close attention to both verbal and non-verbal signals of the interlocutor.

      • Briefly explain the essence of the conversation, and then immediately ask the interlocutor for his opinion on the subject of the conversation.
      • Instead of accepting that you are fully aware of the situation, tell yourself that you know nothing about it. Try to get as much information as possible about the subject of the conversation from your interlocutor.
      • You need to not only listen carefully to what the person says to you, but also carefully observe how he or she behaves. Pay attention to body language and try to listen to the person's energy and emotions. Ask yourself what your interlocutor is silent about.

   2. Pay close attention to the other person's emotions. Even if you both want to remain unemotional during the conversation, there is a good chance that at some point something will provoke an emotional reaction. You need to watch for such reactions and be able to deal with them without humiliating the interlocutor.

      • Sometimes you deal with your own emotional reaction, for example, monitor your defensive behavior. In this case, you need to directly admit to yourself that you are dealing with an emotional reaction and offer a quick explanation about its causes. Do not immediately pounce on the interlocutor, blaming him for your feelings.
      • When you are dealing with the emotional reaction of your interlocutor, it is worth accepting it with all possible tact. For example, you might say, "I understand that you're upset," when the person you're talking to starts crying or raising his voice at you. Do not demand from a person that he immediately calmed down.

   3. Confirm that you have heard the other person's point of view. Paraphrase the other side's arguments in your own words to demonstrate your understanding of his or her point of view. People are usually less hostile when they feel that their position on an issue has been heard and understood correctly.

      • In addition to paraphrasing the other person's arguments, you should also explain what you think the person really meant. Also, try to guess what the person is hoping to get at the end of the conversation.
      • If your assumptions are wrong, don't try to insist on them. Give the other person a chance to correct you, and make changes to your statement when the person has finished explaining.

   4. Clarify your position. When you have the opportunity to speak, once again repeat the opinion of your interlocutor, and only then proceed to present your own opposite opinion on the issue. Be honest and persuasive when explaining how things look from your point of view.

      • Wait until the interlocutor finishes his speech, and only then proceed to the presentation of your point of view. Never interrupt a person in mid-sentence.
      • Repeat the position of the interlocutor again and admit that there is a lot of value in it. When you come to an issue that you disagree with, explain the reason for your disagreement and offer an explanation for why there was a disagreement on the issue.

   5. Calmly respond to all attacks and tricks of the interlocutor. It may be necessary to have a difficult conversation with a person who will try to hurt you personally or affect your emotions in an attempt to distract you from the topic of conversation. Remain calm and look at all tricks and attacks as specific tricks. Don't take them to heart.

      • In an attempt to hurt you, the person may use sarcasm or make unfair accusations against you.
      • When you encounter a problem like this, respond to it with as much sincerity and curiosity as possible. For example, when your interlocutor is silent and does not answer you, you can confess: "I do not know how to respond to your silence."

   6. Be calm during periods of silence. Sometimes silence organically arises during a conversation. Instead of forcing yourself to immediately break the awkward pause with some meaningless phrase, stop yourself and take the opportunity to put what you heard earlier into your head.

      • In fact, a little silence during a serious conversation can even be helpful. This gives both sides a chance to calm down a bit and reflect on what has already been said.

We very often have to deal with people of very different ages, intellectual levels, religions ... As a rule, when communicating with people, we divide our interlocutors into certain categories, for example, like this: relatives, friends, work colleagues, unfamiliar people. Unfortunately, sometimes we understand that not all of those with whom we have to deal have reached psychological maturity, so sometimes they don’t understand that they turned to you, well, at the wrong time, for various reasons.

Not everyone, even after a detailed story about the problems that have fallen like snow on their heads, can understand and console. As a result, such a conversation risks turning into an unpleasant skirmish, which is unlikely to lead to something good.

Of course, there are many different ways to end an unpleasant conversation, but what if you do not want to offend the interlocutor? This is why there are exhaustive response techniques, which include the motivation for immersing consciousness in the process of thinking about your answer or remark. In other words, what you say should make the person think seriously, so the dialogue will come to naught. There are some tricks here, and you are likely to remember similar situations from life.

First option:
When talking with an interlocutor, try to ensure that your answers to specific questions do not relate to the topic of the conversation at all, and do not echo the question in any way.

Example:
Your answer may well be: “Of all the discoveries made by mankind over the millennia, one wisdom should be recognized as unchanged, like the Egyptian rock carvings. I think they're brilliant, don't they?"

Second option:
When answering, be verbose, because where there are many words, it is more difficult to find meaning.
Example: annoying interlocutor: “... Oh, and the neighbor got me. This is a real nightmare ... yes, he did / said this ... and his ... where do such obnoxious people come from?

Possible answer: “It is quite likely, as many argue, condescending to understand what others do not understand, most likely, you already know, so to speak, how to act, consciously approaching the solution of this issue. Of course, having the statements of famous philosophers in the arsenal, one can try to challenge everything that has been said, in the absence of other versions of the solution to this issue. And in this case, the truth, most likely, will remain on your side, but it is completely unclear whether this would not be equally stupid.

Third option:
It's good if you give a complex ornate answer, and it's okay if it cannot be called wise, the main thing is to quietly turn the answer into a question, the latter should be a koan. What is a koan? A koan is a task that motivates one's own decision, the classical version of consciousness has no chance of successfully finding a clue in a logical way. The interlocutor is carried away by the koan, he plunges into the internal dialogue, forgetting about your existence and the purpose of the conversation.
Example: annoying interlocutor: “... Oh, and the neighbor got me. This is a real nightmare ... yes, he did / said this ... and his ... where do such obnoxious people come from?

Possible answer: “Something is always a consequence of something. Admit it, because everything, in essence, can be called a banal consequence, but to understand the essence of the consequence, you need to know what the root cause is. What do you think, if you clap your hands, what kind of sound did the left palm make ..?
When choosing questions, consider the characteristics of your interlocutor and his scope of his possible interests. There are many koans, but their essence is the same. Remember that everything you say should be said in a confident and firm tone, after three or four answers of any of the above type options, you will be able to stop the dialogue.

If you received a phone call at the wrong time, then so that the person does not tire you with his conversation, you should change the manner of conversation and intonation. Become the complete opposite of your interlocutor. If the interlocutor is cheerful and in a good mood, then you need to talk to him sluggishly and reluctantly, drawing out words - and very soon the unwanted interlocutor will stop the dialogue.
Respect each other!