What is this feeling, causes and how to get rid of guilt, constant (obsessive) feeling of guilt. Psychology.

Good time everyone!

In our life, we often experience those feelings that we obviously consider bad, and we try to avoid them, and this is not surprising, because while experiencing these feelings internally, we are not comfortable, sometimes not at all comfortable.

Guilt - to put it into words - is an emotional condemnation of oneself for something.

There are several reasons why we may experience this feeling. Here we will analyze the main ones.

First of all, it must be said that although it is very depressing and is considered one of the worst feelings for a person, it is a completely healthy feeling that normal people experience from time to time. are going through, and there is nothing wrong with that.

This is one of those feelings that has two sides of the coin: it can be beneficial, but it can ruin life. In the same way as the emotion of fear: on the one hand, fear mobilizes and helps to survive in moments of real threat, protects us from unjustified risks and absurd actions; on the other hand, if you constantly yield to it (which happens very often), it makes a person his slave.

And the fact that a person is generally capable of experiencing guilt is a sign of a healthy person. Imagine that next to you is someone who never feels guilty. Even causing gross harm to relatives and others, he would still not be touched by anything, and he would simply not pay attention to it.

People, at all those who do not feel guilty are not capable of empathy, of building full-fledged relationships and are not able to benefit from a certain, negative experience, because it is precisely for this that wise nature has laid down "universal" feelings.

Every unpleasant situation with the help of some sensory experiences teaching us, and we either pay attention to it and draw conclusions, or remain unconscious, do not listen to them and continue to make the same mistakes.

And as always, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Everything is good when only on business and in measure.

In this article, we will first analyze the nature of guilt and will continue to learn little by little deal with your feelings, because this is simply necessary, because, in addition to the most negative impact on our spiritual world and mind, stressful emotions, if we experience them often and for a long time, lead to physical disorders and can be a catalyst for various diseases.

About why, how and what, you can learn more in the article "".

When can we feel guilty? Causes.

Let's start simple. For example, if we did something wrong at work or somehow, in our opinion, behaved badly in relations with people around us, did something that did not correspond to our ideas, promised something and did not fulfill it, let a person down, then we may well experience a feeling of guilt, often developing into a feeling of shame, irritation, etc.

And here, if you are clearly aware that you are to blame, it is best to apologize, this indicator of a strong man(if it does not go to extremes), make amends in a suitable way and benefit yourself for the future.

But the reasons for feelings of guilt should often be sought in your deepest beliefs, many of which may be unconscious to a person, that is, hidden, and perhaps you are going against some of your own beliefs.

Each of us has some moral rules or beliefs, for example, lying is bad; you need to be kind, decent and honest; do not steal; not refuse help, etc. etc. But for certain reasons, we can violate them. And if you do not follow your beliefs, that is, act contrary to them, you will feel guilty, and you can further aggravate the situation if you try to justify yourself, be not honest with yourself, that is, engage in self-deception when in reality things are different.

In the case of beliefs, it is necessary to either change (eliminate) them, especially if these are harmful "neurotic" distortions that only harm you, you can read about this in the article ""; or try to follow your beliefs, if you consider them correct and necessary, then there will be no reasons for internal conflict and feelings of guilt.

But important don't go to extremes.

I will give a simple example of guilt and extremes, because of which a responsible, punctual and respectable person can worry senselessly.

Being late for work, but being late can be different. If you didn’t get up on time because you stayed up late, it’s your fault, and conclusions should be drawn for the future. But you might be late beyond your control circumstances, for example, the bus broke down, but you still feel guilty, here the guilt is unjustified, and it is important to simply realize this.

Guilt manipulation

Very often, people use their feelings of resentment to manipulate guilt in order to get their way. For example, change behavior of the person to whom the offense is addressed.

That is, they try with resentment cause a feeling of guilt in a person.

For example, they may start behaving somehow arrogantly, they may stop talking indicatively, make an offended look, etc., trying to influence a person, correct his behavior and attitude.

A person in this situation, feeling guilty, can succumb to this very unpleasant feeling and make concessions. For example, resentment is often used by small children, but close people often do the same: wife, husband, grandparents, showing resentment, they can reproach for insufficient attention to them, and this makes a person sacrifice himself, put his interests in the background.

But no matter how good, correct or caring we would like to be, for our health, success in life (if you strive for this) and BENEFIT TO EVERYONE, it is important to proceed from the rule - No one owes nothing to nobody, everyone is free to do or not do something, to help or not to help. Rough morality, but it's just a healthy reality as it is.

We must not forget about ourselves and our main ones,. First of all, you need to arrange your personal life so that you feel peace of mind and good in it, this is healthy egoism. Helping others is, of course, important, so you can and should simultaneously (as far as possible) go both ways- help yourself and others. But balance is important here - it makes no sense to think only about others if you yourself need help.

As for children, parents, your "halves" and all others, it is enough just to love them, and with unconditional love, which means love, under which we do not set conditions and we do it sincerely. When we love, we take care of them when and where it is really needed, and without any "shoulds".

If a person asks for something and you realize that only it is in your power to help him now, and help really needed, then you simply make a choice in favor of help, but remembering that you do this, not because you owe something to someone, but because you sincerely want it and think that help is justified.

Here it is also important for yourself to understand: is someone trying to shift their responsibilities to you, to "leave on your shoulders", and this often happens in life.

Remember, everyone is responsible before the universe (God), first of all, for his life and his actions, and not for the life and actions of another, whoever he may be. We can only help, but we cannot be responsible for the person as a whole.

Only staying in good health and achieving their healthy, the main goals, we are capable of give more and close people. Therefore, do not neglect your goals to please someone, unless there is a serious, justified reason.

What to do with constant guilt? Psychological reasons

There may be several reasons. To begin with, I want to separately describe the feeling of guilt for some significant offense in the past, which may haunt you, and tell you what to do about it.

If you blame yourself for something "terrible" that happened before, the first thing to do here is to start with forgiveness and acceptance .

forgive yourself and take everything as it is, there is no other way otherwise you are endless, in vain you will torment yourself, and this will not make you or your loved ones happy, will not improve your relationship with them, because your internal negative state caused by guilt will be reflected in all your thoughts, actions and in life in general.

Forgive and accept yourself with what is, you are already responsible for this and there is no point in continuing to worry about the past, because it can't be changed but you can change the future, somehow improve and do a lot more good and useful for yourself and others.

Think what's the point of suffering if you won't change anything and here's the meaning start over - start building new relationships, change your behavior in some way, start thinking and acting differently (more useful and positive) - this is the most valuable thing that can and should be learned from here.

This is an experience that we often gain through mistakes and our own Mistakes must also be accepted. , which I often write about in articles, because it is really very important, because many are not only afraid of mistakes, but they do not know how to forgive themselves for those already committed, and this must be done, and not continue to delve into them and torture them by depriving themselves of energy and mood .

Otherwise, because of your bad mood and general well-being (due to your worries), you will again quarrel with someone in vain, you won’t do something important, you won’t go somewhere, because there will be no desire, you won’t take into account something, you will forget or you will not notice, as a result, no progress, no change for the better.

Even religion says: Through repentance we find ourselves".

A person through the experience of feelings can come to repentance and change internally if he understands and endures a valuable experience for himself. The feeling of guilt is just one of those feelings that is given, that we learn from our mistakes , a not to live with this feeling.

As I wrote above, it is thanks to such feelings (their experience) that we become better, we see the situation, analyze it and draw conclusions, and in the future we have the opportunity to avoid some “wrong actions”.

So the first thing to do is stop beating yourself up. Always come out of love and care for yourself you need to accept, understand and forgive yourself anyway and let go of the mistakes of the past.

How are you going to live if you live in the past? Let go of your past, because only from states of friendship with myself real change is possible.

"The new will come only when you let go of the old."

And if you think, feel and have something to confess, then it’s better to confess to a person your misdeeds, this will help you quickly throw off all the guilt that has accumulated inside you and come to an inner agreement, because now you have nothing to hide, you are honest with the person, and most importantly - with yourself.

Yes, for some there may be a risk that you will not be forgiven, and the situation may become more complicated. But if you sincerely admit and tell everything to a person (possibly without special details), say that you are aware that you were wrong before and that your views and values ​​have now changed, you are ready to live differently, then in his (her) soul there is a grain of forgiveness and sow hope, and possibly, in the future your relationship will improve, especially if you try to compensate for the harm caused.

One way or another, not everything here depends on you, and it remains only to accept the answer, whatever it may be. After all, we are responsible for our own actions.

Constant guilt - hidden causes

A constant (obsessive) feeling of guilt arises if, for some reason, most often originating in childhood, it becomes a trait of a person’s character.

In this case, it is already Unhealthy guilt, as psychologists say, it is a neurotic guilt that will haunt you constantly and for no reason.

And here it is important to distinguish between a real (healthy) feeling of guilt, which arises reasonably, from what we ourselves have thought up.

For example, a child from childhood can attach a feeling of guilt to himself, because he unconsciously began to consider himself the culprit of his parents' divorce, although, of course, he had nothing to do with it.

Or parents often themselves, unknowingly, nurture this feeling in their child, constantly making him feel guilty.

For example, it is very convenient to blame a child for bad behavior. But why do parents do this? Is this really caring for your child? In some cases, of course, this is true, but in many others it is only to save yourself from unnecessary troubles right now and feel calm, i.e for yourself.

Im just profitable so fast way(by suggesting guilt) solve a problem with a child so that he somehow definitely (quietly) begins to behave and does not cause problems, does not break anything, does not fall, but at the same time do something of his own: chat with a neighbor, watch a movie, etc., if only do not work with a child.

The child is not a doll. He learns the world, he is interested in everything, he tries and studies, he needs movement, he, like us, makes mistakes, gains life experience, and somewhere he does not do without pain, but some level of stress is necessary and this is completely natural.

Nevertheless, the words: “Where are you going?”, “You are behaving badly”, “I will not love you” or a reproach, such as: “Look what you have done!”, “You are bad and will be punished” - they deprive the child this experience and make you feel guilty.

Of course, the child must be taught, but not by swearing, reproaches and shouting, but through examples. Explain everything in detail, calmly, because he learns from visual examples and he needs to fully to give time, regularly and with dedication, with the aim not only to teach, but also not to harm with their upbringing.

Often, parents, guided only by good intentions, simply because of ignorance or being subjected to some of their distorted desires, unconsciously inspire the baby with a lot of filth.

You can tell the child as much as you like: “don’t behave like that”, “don’t lie”, “be honest”, “don’t be greedy”, but if he sees that his parents are doing everything exactly the opposite, then besides the fact that he unconsciously adopts their behavior , it will still give rise to internal conflicts in it. Parents put lies into it to the very depths, the child cannot understand this, but will feel that something is not right here. Mom says "do not lie", but she herself lies to him and others.

When parents force a child to experience guilt, the child still has a deep instinct of self-preservation: "I am blamed, which means I am bad and can become unnecessary, they can leave me." I have heard a similar phrase more than once: "If you do this, I will give you to your uncle." Of course, we understand that we won’t do this, but the child’s mind perceives everything in a more literal form, and such words, one way or another, will frighten the baby, and the guilt, backed by a sense of fear, only intensifies.

Parents using guilt, manipulates the behavior of the child, and this reaction is fixed in the unconscious mind and is transferred into adulthood with all its detrimental consequences. Thus, everything develops. If I am accused all the time, it means that something is wrong with me, I am somehow flawed, and this inner feeling can haunt a person all his life, and he will not even realize why he feels this way and where the roots grow from, although he will find a conscious reason to justify his condition. It’s just that our psyche is arranged in such a way, if you know the reason, the way out seems to be visible, which means it’s already easier, but this is a delusion, because the superficial cause of the experience can be found in anything.

This is how some feelings, stereotypes and beliefs stick to us from childhood.

When a person often experiences some kind of emotion, then there is emotional attachment of the organism to this feeling. This is when the body and brain getting used to respond with the same response to certain situations.

If a person is used to being irritated often, he will continue to light up even for a minor reason, and this reaction will become more and more progressive if nothing is done about it.

In fact organism simply getting used to experiencing some emotions, and these emotions become dominant and eventually begin act as background .

Imagine that you turned on the music in the room and went about your own business, you may not listen to the music, but you will still hear it. Approximately the same constant (frequent) background can be any feelings, for example, resentment, guilt, anxiety, etc.

This is manifested not only at the level of feelings and emotions, but also at the level of actions and thoughts. If we continue to think about the negative for a long time, at some point we will begin to impose themselves more and more often, mostly unpleasant (disturbing) thoughts. This is how our brain works - where we direct it, then it gives us, most often, this is how people fall into.

How to get rid of obsessive guilt?

First of all, it's important realize this feeling in yourself that you have it. Awareness of your states is the most important step in development, and now begin to gradually act in a new way.

2) To begin with, you need to reconsider the cause of this feeling from all sides, look at it with the eyes of your current, mature person. Look at this feeling and at your whole life from the height of the present, life experience and sound, calm reasoning.

Note to yourself that this constant feeling of guilt does not bring you anything good in life, only suffering, then you will be able to gradually abandon it from the inside.

3) Secondly, if you are used to constantly mentally blaming yourself, always stop this nonsense , harmful,: "I knew that ...", "I'm somehow not so (th)", "I'm so bad - I let everyone down", "as always I'm to blame (a) ...", "again I did badly " etc.

And in life situations try don't get stuck on some estimates: "how did I do it?", "what am I doing?", "how will others appreciate me?". Learn to be content with what you have and what you have already done and are doing, this is very important. Focusing only on grades surrounding or negative assessments of oneself, then we lose ourselves .

And now, while doing something, for example, some business at work, whatever you do, if you realize that you tried and wanted to do well, but it turned out, how it happened, doesn't matteralways say to yourself: "What a good fellow I am", this will serve as a fulcrum for you.

It may not have turned out very well, but in this period of time it is perhaps the best thing you could do. In the future, with experience and practice, it will start to get better and calmer. start relate with love and care , otherwise how to become more confident and appreciate yourself, if only to blame and get upset. Be sure to learn this practice and put it into practice, it is really very effective, and I myself always use it, especially if I suddenly feel something.

"Each person is a reflection of his own world. As a person thinks, so he is in life."

Cicero

4) It is important to realize that it is impossible to take something so abruptly and change within yourself, it is always gradual process and you can't get away from it. Therefore, I often remind you of this so that you do not build illusions that slow you down.

There is a cool rule 51 % which I always remember and apply in self-development.

If our general good health and mood begins to prevail over the negative for just 1 %, then it will be itself multiply. This one percent becomes decisive!

And all that is needed is to gradually move towards a state where there will be a little more positive and joy in your life than negative, then the wave of positive will begin to grow by itself: 1 + 1 + 1 ...

The most important in our life small Steps , and not big ones, as many people think, besides, it is small steps that lead us to big ones. Trying to quickly and radically remake yourself, they say: “now how will I take it, yes, how will I become positive” or “how will I stop completely experiencing an obsessive feeling of guilt” - this is almost impossible, burn out as soon as you start.

Rare exceptions are miracles. But isn’t it a miracle that, unlike the majority, you will take it and change for the better for the benefit of everyone or for the benefit of yourself and your loved ones? Let it take some time, especially since, in essence, we need to remove the most evil, and then the process goes more fun and easier.

5) But the future: start a little bit accustomed to asking yourself the right (healing) questions, this is where sound logic begins and this is really very difficult, I could not put it into practice for a long time.

For example, excellent questions in the case of guilt: “why do I feel guilty?”, “what does it indicate to me?”, “what can I learn from this experience, situation?”.

And try to figure out the reason calm and detailed, and not superficially, it will help you draw a more valuable conclusion.

Learn to see the positive in everything see benefits and new opportunities , a Not only external circumstances and trouble. Many are still confident that the causes of our emotions come from external factors - people and circumstances. Although it has long been no secret that a long " not tense" smile, for which don't need a reason, can at the moment bring back the mood.

The inner state pulls up the outer just as the outer gradually draws out the inner.

If you sincerely smile at yourself, with a kind of light, inner smile and stay with such a smile, while not winding yourself up with unpleasant thoughts, after a while you will notice that you feel noticeably better. By the way, smiling also helps the brain, so start smiling to yourself more often now. A smile, as well as gloomy grimaces, can become attached.

Moreover, it helps to improve your attitude towards yourself as a whole if you have a problem with.

But you still need to learn this approach, gradually train your brain into useful habits: smile, say the phrase "pleasure", switch a little and think about the useful and good, ask yourself the right questions (if you haven't done this before).

And to make it more efficient for you to work with some feelings, at the moment of their experience, and not blindly fall for them (read how to do this at the link).

And for example, with a feeling of guilt, say to yourself not such phrases as: "I am guilty" (this is not true), but say: " I feel guilty" (correct). I strongly recommend doing this with any emotion, it helps to disidentify with them and look at them from the side more calmly and soberly.

The described methods are perfect for general work with any emotions, there are only some nuances here.

Finally. Feelings of guilt - how to get rid of?

The most important thing with a sense of guilt - it's fair to admit guilt (if you are really guilty), and not indulge in self-justification (self-deception), as many do, try to correct (compensate) the error and draw a useful conclusion from the situation , dot. And any subsequent negative thinking, introspection - are simply harmful and meaningless.

Learn to forgive yourself, whatever it is. Accept this feeling in yourself and move on calmly, ignoring the remaining sediment inside. Often, emotions continue to hold on for a while - this is normal. Emotional reactions in the body do not go away right away, and here it just takes some time until everything returns to normal.

Good mood and good luck in getting rid of guilt!

Sincerely, Andrey Russkikh

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Each of us at least once in our lives experienced an inexplicable feeling of guilt. Where is it from? Theoretically, a child is born innocent and starts life with a clean slate. The knowledge acquired along the way of growing up develops feelings that imperceptibly capture a person. An adult's sense of guilt is completely formed, but often he does not want to atone for this guilt. The question arises: who is to blame and is it to blame at all?

Scientists have come to the conclusion that the feeling of guilt is a human invention, a convenient illusion that acts as an internal lever in order to keep the masses within certain limits and control them. Management begins in childhood and is passed down from one generation to the next. Parents put pressure on the guilt of their children because they have not known a different approach to education since their own childhood guilt. In nature, there is no guilt as such.

Broken jar of jam

Psychoanalysts who practice transactional analysis believe that the family is a small social organization with its own rules and regulations, and the child cannot learn flexibility in it. In a large family, all its members are more or less dependent on each other and play their roles straightforwardly. In order to regulate relationships and control children, parents have to launch "electrodes" into the children's subconscious, which are a kind of toggle switch, causing an automatic reaction to a particular event. In early childhood, the child is not able to independently evaluate what is happening to him, so he takes all the attitudes of his parents at face value. He does not know how to resist the destructive influence of the negative "electrodes" of parental programming, obediently following it, he learns to feel guilty and, as a result, due.

Consider an example from practice: three children were playing catch-up, there was a three-liter jar of jam on the edge of the table, accidentally one of the children knocked over the jar. The bank fell and broke. Then mom comes in ... Her reaction? In the family where this force majeure situation occurred, the mother screamed, became angry, began to scold the children, accuse them of slowness and label them like: “you are bad”, and “you overlooked”, “you are loafers and lazybones”. Interestingly, most of the opponents I interviewed had the reaction of their mother in childhood very similar to this. Only one person's mother laughed, kissed her son and offered to clean up the pieces and the rest of the jam together. Someone's mother immediately grabs the belt, someone squeals and shames the children. This is how guilt is born.

The response to mother's accusations is different for all children: the eldest son immediately went to attack and aggression: “Well, they broke and broke, as if you had never broken anything, who doesn’t happen to scream right away?” The middle child started make excuses: “It happened by accident, we didn’t notice the can, we started playing, we won’t do it again!” The youngest child played into silence. Often in this situation, one child shifts the blame to someone else, shielding himself, the other switches the arrows to a cat or a chair that got in the way, the third can generally deceive and say that he was not at the time of the "tragedy". By virtue of their individuality, children adapt and rebuild on the go, but no one (!) wants to take the blame. The most interesting thing is that in adulthood, children choose the line of behavior that they are used to following in emergency cases from childhood: one is always silent, the other is always making excuses, the third is a noble switchman, the fourth is an aggressor, the fifth is a sufferer, etc.

Imposing guilt on children in the case of a broken can is nothing more than shifting responsibility. Mom disclaims responsibility, firstly, for leaving a jar of jam on the edge of the table, and secondly, for not being able to control her emotions in a difficult situation. As a person responsible for raising children, she could teach them how to respond appropriately in extreme cases. Life is full of little tragedies, but how do you deal with them? A broken jar of jam is designed to teach children calmness, patience, loyalty and united operational actions to eliminate the "catastrophe". This situation, rather, taught the opposite. Children, unwittingly, learned that each of them is to blame - this is one, and is obliged to answer for his act - this is two. But since the developing brain of a child does not yet know how to differentiate such things, guilt and responsibility have merged into a single concept. Guilt equated with a sense of responsibility. It seems to children that to demonstrate remorse of conscience is the full responsibility for the act.. In order to please their mother, each of them agreed to take on and bear someone else's responsibility in life, which reminds of itself every time with the echoes of mother's voice in the head. An interesting fact is that today these children, who have already become parents, behave in the same way as their mother when another jar of jam overturns.

However, it is pointless to blame her mother, since her mother taught her such behavior, and that, in turn, her own, etc. The concept of "broken jar of jam", of course, is arbitrary. Throughout the life of a growing child, a “broken jar of jam” can appear in any other case, whether it be missing a train, torn jeans, failing an exam, or early marriage. The more "broken jars of jam", the heavier the burden of guilt and the burden of someone else's responsibility.

Punishment

Feelings experienced in childhood, whether it be anger, pain, guilt, resentment or fear, are deposited in the memory of a person and returned in a difficult situation in the form of peculiar coupons. Emotional memory is a tool of extortion and a channel for draining energy. A child whose freedom is limited by prohibitions and remorse, according to Western experts, "fell into a bag" (or "box"). Due to individual characteristics, someone gets out of the "bag", and someone remains to sit in it for life. Taking into account the conditions of our culture and upbringing, the child's brain learns the installation: there is guilt, there is punishment. Therefore, in any force majeure situation, a person “in a bag” will receive memory signals: guilty - bear the punishment. Many people work themselves into physical pain by receiving guilt coupons. A friend of mine, who was tormented by guilt over her sister's suicide, unconsciously punished herself by getting into traumatic stories that ended in a hospital bed. And every time she seemed to take pleasure in a new punishment, joyfully saying: “I'm back in the hospital!” So her subconscious atoned for guilt, which, in fact, was not.

An imposed sense of guilt sometimes pops up in the most harmless situations.. Argued with a friend. You didn't mean to offend her at all, but she was offended. Why is the overwhelming feeling of guilt haunting you, and not her? The Bible says that there is no one to blame before God. But the childish habit of being held accountable for the actions of others eats away at the soul, like an apple worm. We ourselves come up with a punishment for ourselves and launch a program of self-destruction. But who cares about admission of guilt and lynching? Admitting a mistake is not enough; it must be corrected or compensated for. Punishment as such does not exist in nature either, it is a product of human life. There is a reward for labors, and for everyone it is different, depending on the degree of YOUR responsibility. Any situation that goes beyond the generally accepted framework is an opportunity to learn new ways of behavior, learn lessons and move to a new level of development. Then there will be no need for punishment. Each time, getting into similar stories, one should not reproach oneself, but act and be responsible for one's own, and not other people's, actions. After all, you don't have to be guilty to be responsible.

How to get rid of guilt?

Realize that it is not in any law, it is artificially created, sits only in the head and works against a person. Any individual is initially innocent, like a baby. Let's allow ourselves now to be innocent, because we love ourselves in all manifestations. The feeling of guilt is irrational and is a means of personality manipulation, but who will agree to become a puppet? Remembering this every time the toggle switch is flipped, issuing coupons of guilt, we will force this negative "electrode" out of the head. Guilt makes you justify your actions and stagnate. The more we justify ourselves, the more we get stuck in past failures, stepping on the same rake. It turns out that a person does not need this feeling at all, so you need to stop making excuses and start acting.

To get rid of guilt, which is not in nature, is easy. For this, she rewarded homo sapiens with intellect. By preserving the original innocence, we can achieve a high level of development of spirituality. “The combination of intellect and innocence is the most valuable thing in the world,” notes Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, an Indian guru, founder of the International Association for Human Values. “There are smart and dishonest people, and it's easy to be innocent and ignorant too. But what would really be most preferable is an education that develops the intellect and at the same time preserves innocence.

The feeling of guilt is the suffering that a person experiences when he commits an act that contradicts his ideas of goodness, honor, duty, decency, morality, justice. In a broader sense, a person experiences a feeling of guilt (perhaps unconscious) whenever he notes his inconsistency with the morally ideal person that exists in his imagination. It is very important to understand that such an ideal personality does not exist objectively, but is created by everyone for himself, through imitation and imagination. Developing, the child imitates the adults around him and automatically adopts their value systems, ideas about good and evil. At a certain stage in the formation of a personality, an idea of ​​a moral norm is formed - a bizarre combination of the worldviews of the most authoritative adults from the child's environment, and his own mental constructions. Violation of compliance with such a personally constructed ideal and causes suffering, called guilt.

Sometimes guilt arises in simpler situations, when suffering is unintentionally caused to someone. In some sources, guilt is generally defined solely as the result of actions that entailed negative consequences for others. But this is only partly true. For example, a soldier who has repeatedly killed and wounded may not feel guilty if he is sure that he did the right thing. And the second example: a religious fanatic who, for some reason, violated the fast, may feel very guilty, although he did no harm to those around him. So all the same, the feeling of guilt should not be understood mechanistically primitive.

Who and why instills a sense of guilt

It is easy to control a small child - it is enough to follow him all the time. But when the child grows up, begins to move freely and make independent difficult decisions, it becomes impossible to keep track of him. But how can they be managed? How do you maintain control without being able to maintain personal contact all the time? The solution is simple and elegant: you need to "embed" in his psyche a kind of watchdog program that will block urges to undesirable actions. The roles of such watchmen are performed primarily by shame and guilt. A more primitive sense of shame is quite simply developed in the process of communicating with peers who cruelly ridicule those who commit shameful acts. Developing a sense of guilt is more difficult, but it gives more results. By cultivating a sense of guilt in a child, parents can direct their behavior in the direction they want.

The state does not disdain manipulations based on feelings of guilt. For example, in the courts of many countries, the realization of one's guilt and the repentance of the defendant can somewhat mitigate the sentence. Thus, the state, as it were, encourages a sense of guilt for committing undesirable acts. But the church has achieved the greatest results in the use of guilt to control a person. Having constructed the image of an ideal believer who follows the commandments and fulfills all religious prescriptions, the church actively imposes a sense of guilt on everyone who deviates from conforming to this image. The Church has created a complex and powerful concept of sin and repentance, the center of which is the permanent experience of guilt in believers. Acting in this way, religious leaders kept the minds and feelings of the citizens of their countries under control until the 20th century, and in some places something similar continues to this day.

Feeling guilty - good or bad?

What is good for society is often hard and unpleasant for the specific people that make up the society. And guilt is a prime example. On the one hand, of course, it is good when they refrain from theft, murder and other crimes because they do not want to feel guilty later. For example, the church considers the presence of such motivation among believers as its important social achievement. But if you look not from the point of view of society as a whole, but from the standpoint of a single individual, then the problem will appear in a completely different light. On this side, guilt is a heavy burden that a person carries throughout his life. And the more, deeper and better this feeling is justified, the heavier and more unbearable the burden. It fetters, presses to the ground, deprives of initiative and will, limits possibilities. But most importantly, it deprives life of its joyful colors and natural taste. And a colorless and tasteless life under the weight of the threat of making a mistake sooner or later leads a person to a psychotherapist's office. Or a psychiatrist.

How to get rid of guilt

As a practicing psychotherapist, I constantly come across a situation where a deeply hidden, hardly conscious feeling of guilt shakes the human psyche, causing mental and physical suffering. And then there is a need to get rid of guilt. Like a surgeon who removes one by one fragments of foreign objects deeply embedded in the body, one has to extract from the soul fragments of guilt that have wounded the soul for many years, starting from deep childhood. Now I will talk about part of my technology for the psychotherapy of guilt feelings, about three principles that I apply, and which, with a certain skill, can be used independently.

1. The principle of division of responsibility. The application of this principle is based on the realization of the fact that no one, ever and under any circumstances, can only be to blame. There are always parents (or those who replaced them) who gave the upbringing that led to what happened. There are always senior comrades, whose example was taken completely automatically, and naturally became part of personal experience. There are always circumstances in which it was practically impossible to do otherwise, and behind these circumstances you can always find specific people through whose fault the situation turned out exactly the way it did. Realizing this truth reduces the power of guilt.

2. The principle of relativity. By applying this principle, we realize that good and evil are always relative. You can always find a point of view from which what has been done will turn out to be not evil, but good, and vice versa. For example, Christianity is a delusion from the point of view of Islam, Islam is a delusion from the point of view of Christianity, and both of them are a delusion from the point of view of Judaism. Killing is considered evil everywhere, but every country has an army whose soldiers are trained to kill, for which they receive a salary, and then a pension. A woman may consider herself a bad daughter, but looking at things a little wider, you can see the depravity of her mother, who cannot be pleased in principle. And there are enough similar examples in any field, whatever you take. Guilt comes from a rigid fixation on a certain point of view. By changing our point of view, we can easily throw off the burden of guilt.

3. The principle of transformation. The application of this principle leads to a change in the point of application of feeling. The experience of one's own guilt fixes a person on himself, forcing him to grieve, to seek repentance and forgiveness. But it is worth penetrating into the nature of guilt feelings, as its manipulative component becomes noticeable. A person discovers that his grief and self-flagellation is clearly beneficial to someone, someone skillfully planned his reactions, forcing him to behave "as it should be." After such awareness, there is a switch from oneself to the uninvited "directors" of life, in relation to which a feeling of anger arises. And it's done! The strength of the desire to repent, to atone for guilt turns into the strength of anger against those who are behind this whole performance. Then the anger goes away, but the feeling of guilt also leaves the soul forever.

“Beware of those who want to make you feel guilty, because they crave power over you” © S. Nezhinsky

What is guilt?

Guilt is a social emotion, which consists in the realization of the harm done and the subsequent desire or desire to correct everything.

Guilt is a painful feeling that arises as a result of habitual interaction as a response to resentment, reproaches or insults.

The formation of a sense of guilt often occurs under the influence of psychological manipulations by the surrounding people. However, guilt can also arise without the direct participation of loved ones.

For example, if a person has excessive demands on himself and an internal ban on making mistakes is established. And besides, he was brought up in a family where they adhere to high spiritual values, honor them and impose them on other family members. Then such a person, after committing an unsightly act on his part, may subsequently experience deep feelings of guilt and remorse.

Signs of guilt

Of course, guilt is not like other feelings and sensations. A person can experience completely different emotions and experiences associated with the deed. At first, a feeling of worthlessness and uselessness comes to a person.

Everything good that can happen to a person is perceived by him as an undeserved accident, since he is only capable of bad deeds that were in the past and will undoubtedly follow in the future. At the same time, all actions are aimed at getting rid of feelings of guilt, and not at achieving their goals and desires.

Accompanying guilt is a feeling of constant resentment, self-pity, despondency and hopelessness. Lack of inner self-confidence. In the end, there is a completely natural desire for self-flagellation or self-abasement.

Imposed guilt. Formation

Stable imposed guilt is formed over time. In this case, the personality of a person is suppressed, which turns into a victim of psychological violence.

Very often, already from childhood, parents lay a solid foundation for the formation of an imposed sense of guilt in the upbringing of children.

So each act of punishing a child is preceded by an explanation that he is bad, naughty, and therefore, by default, deserves punishment. Violence and punishment stops only after the “correct” reaction - tears, apologies, repentance.

According to the same scheme, an imposed sense of guilt is formed in an adult. The manipulator imposes on the victim the realization of an irreparable mistake, for which he must be punished (for example, to buy an expensive gift).

Imposed guilt. Conflict with conscience

Consciously or unconsciously imposing a sense of guilt on the victim, the manipulator operates with such concepts and feelings as regret, conscience and shame: "Aren't you ashamed to upset me like that ?!" or “How could you do this to me?”

Quite naturally, an imposed sense of guilt arises, which means a conflict with a person’s own system of values, that is, with conscience. In turn, conscience is formed as a person grows, under the influence of external values.

Conscience is a system of internal beliefs, shame is a feeling experienced when one's moral principles are violated, regret is a realization of one's wrong. These are constructive stages of self-esteem aimed at self-development of the personality, and guilt is a destructive emotion imposed from the outside and involving self-accusation, self-condemnation, as well as inaction and degradation of the personality.

Different people can have completely different consciences. However, the mechanism of action is the same: instant evaluative control of a person's thinking and actions. When deviating from conscience, both a natural feeling of guilt and an imposed feeling of guilt arise, as a signal of deviation from a certain value orientation and drawing attention to itself in order to make an optimal decision.

Imposed guilt. Stereotypes and social roles

The situation is aggravated by stereotypes or roles imposed by society. So, a woman at home should be a caring mother and wife - the keeper of the hearth, and at work - a strict and uncompromising boss, able to manage a team, defend her views and fight for career growth.

Such antagonistic roles require a lot of physical and mental strength and are not always within the power of a person. Quite naturally, the thoughts “I am a bad mother (wife, daughter)” appear. The fear of not coping with the social role imposed by society also develops into a sense of guilt imposed by society. But that's a completely different story.

This article is not the truth in the first instance, an unshakable set of rules and laws. It only "sheds light" on the existing problem. The author of the article is well aware that each case is unique and there are no two completely identical situations, but only similar ones.

guilty child

Growing up in a really [mentally] healthy family is the real luck of luck.

Robin Skinner

Almost everyone has experienced guilt at least once. Despite the negative feelings that accompany guilt, it can be safely called an indicator of a person’s mental health, since this emotion is not capable of being experienced by mentally ill people, for example, those suffering from schizophrenia.

Guilt is an important emotion that helps a person adapt to society from early childhood. According to some experts, guilt arises already in the first months of life (according to M. Klein) or even is innate (according to J. Lacan).

As for the classical psychoanalytic view, Z. Freud attributed the feeling of guilt to that part of the "mental apparatus", which he called the "Super-I" and considered this emotion the foundation of human conscience.

Guilt can be conditionally divided into conscious - the causes of which we are aware of and unconscious - the causes of which are unclear to us and are often experienced by us as anxiety or aggression.

Unconscious guilt

"Unconscious" unconscious guilt has a complex nature. Traumatic experiences forced into the unconscious part of the psyche - the causes of guilt, continue to influence the self- and worldview, as well as human behavior. One of Freud's favorite students, Carl Jung, succinctly remarked: “When the internal situation is not realized, then it manifests itself from the outside, like fate.”

Conscious feeling of guilt

Depending on the degree of intensity, this emotion can give a person fleeting inconvenience or make life unbearable, manifesting itself, for example, in the form of endless self-reproaches associated with actions or desires that a person struggles with, considering them unacceptable.

Most often, a person experiences a feeling of guilt when he believes that his actions, or the desire to commit them, will be assessed by others as shameful and unacceptable.

I can give a lot of examples, but within the framework of this article I want to analyze a situation that I often encounter in practice. It's about a sense of guilt towards parents, caused by a certain style of upbringing.

Feelings of guilt towards parents or towards one of them

Childhood should be given the greatest respect.
Decimus Junius Juvenal

Of course, not only parents instill guilt in the child, but also educators, teachers and teachers. But parents "lay the foundation" of feelings of guilt. And the more impressive this "foundation", the stronger the "buildings" of the followers hold on to it.

We can safely say that it is impossible to avoid feelings of guilt before parents. But minimizing or, conversely, maximizing this feeling in your child is a very realistic task for parents.

If the child is not initially aware that in the future he will have to part with his parents, then the parents are well aware of this. Some desperately drive this thought away from themselves, because they do not plan to part with the child. Why so - we will understand later. Let's go in order.

Years pass, the child grows and every day needs parental help and attention less and less. How parents perceive their child depends on the manner of education. Let's conditionally divide parents into two types: “good enough parents” and “manipulator parents”.

1. "Good Enough Parents"

D.V. Winnicott used the term "good enough mother". He wrote: “There is no just a good or perfect mother, but there is a “good enough mother”. It creates conditions for the infant in which he has the opportunity to gradually acquire autonomy.

Some parents are healthy and mentally mature enough to take the upcoming "friendly divorce with a child" (E. Berne) for granted. They raise a child with the understanding that the hour is not far off when he becomes an adult and starts an independent life, creates his own family, with whom he will spend most of his time. He will see his parents less and less, but he will love them as before.

And now a child from a “good enough family”, who has reached adulthood, is already full of plans for moving away from his parents and living independently. The very life for which his parents had been preparing since childhood.

A child from a “good enough family” will most likely create his own “good enough family” in the future, and his children will create their own, and so on.

However, there are families in which parents raise their child exactly the opposite.

2. "Manipulative Parents"

Many people suffer from overwhelming guilt throughout their lives. They believe that they did not live up to the expectations of their parents.
Alice Miller

Initially, any child is a creature that has no idea about cultural values ​​in general and about the values ​​of his family in particular. In his psyche, the child is neither good nor bad, because he does not know these words, and even more so their meaning, and cannot know. The child can only feel his mother and "read her" from her expression.

And future "parents-manipulators" even before the birth of the child begin to endow him with different qualities, give him definitions, make plans and, of course, experience a variety of emotions directed at the unborn child. Already at this point, the child is at risk of not living up to the expectations of the parents. After all, he can be born "not like that."

However, suppose a child was born completely healthy and as similar as possible to the baby that mother and father fantasized about. And "parents-manipulators" begin to raise a child, ignoring the fact that he will inevitably grow up and want to start his own life separate from his parents. These parents manipulate their child from the very beginning and nurture the “guilty child” in him.

Why is this happening?

The reasons for this manner of upbringing may be different, but often in my practice I encounter a certain situation: parents solve their own psychological problems at the expense of the child. It cannot be said that they are completely to blame, because often they do not know what they are doing. And they would like it differently, but they cannot, for reasons that they do not realize.

Parents of this category, due to certain mental reasons, tend to perceive the child as their continuation and addition. The child acts as a kind of “patch for parental narcissism”, whose function is to “heal” or at least “cover up” the narcissistic wounds that they “bleed” from childhood. Parting with a child for such parents seems to be a painful process, which can be called "narcissistic amputation."

Therefore, it is important for such parents that the child stays with them as long as possible or never leaves them at all. But even in those cases when the child moves out from the parents, the manipulations on their part do not stop.

To keep the child, parents instill a sense of guilt in him through various manipulations, which can be conditionally divided into verbal and non-verbal.

Verbal and non-verbal manipulation

To verbal manipulation includes a fairly common list of reproaches and allegations:

• you don't love us;

• parents must be loved;

• your parents do everything for you, and you behave like this;

• parents are sacred;

• we dedicated the best years of our lives to you;

• we wanted a boy, not a girl;

• we didn’t plan you at all - say thank you that I didn’t have an abortion;

• mom is not feeling well, and you and your friends are having fun;

• instead of being with your parents, you go on a date;

• we will die soon, then do what you want, but for now, be kind enough to obey your parents;

• you are doing it wrong;

• parents know better what and how to do;

• we know better what is best for you;

• good children do not upset parents;

• the neighbors have a child like a child, but we have the devil knows what, etc.

Usually such sayings are expressed by parents often and for any reason, developing a sense of guilt in the child.

Example: a small child tries to help his mother make a bed, and he doesn’t do it very well, which is completely natural, but even in this case the child will receive his “and who are you born into so worthless?”

Non-verbal manipulation can be expressed in the form of regular dramatic facial expressions and pantomime, gestures, sounds and intonations, tears. That is, dissatisfaction is expressed without words. Children very subtly perceive precisely non-verbal signals, because initially the child does not know and does not understand words, and communication with the mother occurs through facial signals and sounds. Accordingly, non-verbal communication is the type of communication that the child masters first.

Example: the child is going to go for a walk, and the mother stands silently and looks at him, as if he is leaving for the war.

Common parenting scenarios

I will describe several, in my opinion, the most common types of manipulations found in such families.

1. Parents are victims of circumstance

Such parents, with enviable persistence, tell their child that they gave him “the best years of their lives”, which cannot be returned, and if he had not been born, then their youth would have been much more fun.

It could be a single mother telling her child that her love life has "derailed" because his father abandoned them, and with a child in her arms she was of no use to anyone. I didn’t see life, I worked a lot, before work in kindergarten, after work I picked up from kindergarten and so on.

Attributing to the child the causes of their misfortunes, parents form in him a persistent sense of guilt before them.

2. Perpetually dissatisfied parents

Such constantly scold their child, hurry and punish for the slightest offense, forcing him to think that he is always wrong, guilty and even inferior.

3. Unhappy parents

These masterfully portray "suffering" in order to make the child feel guilty. Unfortunate parents are offended either by “fate” or by the child and, on occasion, deftly manipulate him like this: “Don't worry. Go to the disco. And I can handle my bad leg without you. If I call an ambulance. The main thing is that you are alive and well, and the rest does not matter.

Often the "bad leg" goes away as soon as the child leaves and is "sore badly" again when the child comes back. Instead of a leg, for example, the heart may “ache”.

4. Omniscient idealists

Quite often there are parents who are very concerned about their own “ideality” and the “ideality” of their child.

They are convinced that it is they and only they who know how to live a child correctly: how to dress, what classes to go to, what hobby to choose, what language to learn, what specialty to choose, who to work with, who to be friends with, whom to meet, etc.

After the choice is made, the child is obliged in all this to be "perfect" as parents. The quality of the performance of the child’s duties is closely monitored and regular reports are required, and if they notice errors, they are immediately very disappointed, offended by the child and even thinking about abandoning the “shame of the family” in his face, which is immediately reported to the “negligent” one.

A child in such a family always feels the stern gaze of his "impeccable" parents on himself and is terribly afraid of making even the smallest mistake in any business, because this casts a shadow on their reputation. Such a situation in the family causes the child to have a strong sense of guilt towards his parents and can destroy free-thinking.

5. Forbidden parents

In a family dominated by "forbidding parents" the child feels guilty literally for every action, thinking that he constantly violates a certain set of laws that are unknown to him.

6. Prankster Parents

They like to make fun of their child and realize their sadistic inclinations with various “jokes” (a joke is an act of aggression that cannot be vented on an object in any other way).

Example: a small child notices that the parent chopping onions has “onion tears” (the child does not yet know that the process of chopping onions can cause tears) and asks him why he is crying. The “joking parent” replies, something along the lines of “because you don’t make me happy at all.” And all in this spirit. The child naturally believes and feels guilty. Frequently repeated, degrading jokes can make a child feel guilty.

7. Generous parents

They like to tell, and in the future regularly remind their child that “they didn’t plan it at all and wanted to have an abortion,” but they regretted it. Or they wanted a boy, not a girl, but ...

In this case, the child may feel guilty only for the fact of his birth or existence, because by this he makes his parents suffer.

8. Immaculate parents

Upon reaching puberty, the child begins to be interested in "THIS". "It" excites him and excites him in a completely natural way. But there are "immaculate parents" who cast great doubt on such a natural course of human development.

“Immaculate parents” themselves are very embarrassed of everything connected with THIS. Therefore, by all possible means they are trying to protect the child from all THIS. But, if the conscious part of the child's psyche, up to a certain point, can be deceived, then the unconscious child cannot be deceived.

The child feels guilty about growing up. In any case, the child feels guilty for his growing up. According to Winnicott: “The very fact of a child growing up is perceived by parents, for the most part unconsciously, as an act of aggression on the part of the child”. That is, it makes the parents upset, causing the child to feel guilty. But if Winnicott talks about the inevitable, then I write about how "pure parents" fuel their child's guilt.

“If parents are happy, glowing with joy, the source of which is the sexual pleasure they give to each other, then the children, immediately noticeably, are also happy” (“Family and How to Survive in It”).

In this case, it is said that the child unconsciously feels the satisfaction, happiness of the parents. And he feels it from the very birth. All this does not mean at all that parents should demonstrate their sexual life to the child, showing "where children come from." The child will know everything about it when he needs it.

9. Crying parents

They often cry, tell the child how they will miss when the child moves away from them. How hard it will be for them.

For clarity, I will give an example of the life situation of one woman. This example is taken from one open forum. A woman wants to marry a beloved man who lives in another country:

“Every time I left my parents (either for six months, or for a year), my mother always cried bitter tears, parting with me at the station, which always provoked a terrible feeling of guilt in me, haunting me for all the time of my absence, and I began to think: nothing can justify my mother's tears, let me marry an unloved person, but stay close to her than be happy with my beloved in a country where there are many more opportunities, but far from her.

Now, when I finally decided to marry the one I love and go to him, the question again torments me - how will I look into my mother's eyes when I leave?

I wonder if the mother of this woman asks herself the question “How will I look into my daughter’s eyes when I finally break her life?”

Of course, there are much more ways of manipulation than I described, but I hope that these examples are enough to convey the main idea to the reader.

What are the most likely consequences for a child from such families?

Based directly on my work experience, I dare to suggest two most likely scenarios for the development of events.

First option- this is a lonely, living with parents or separately, "eaten" by a sense of guilt "child". Forever secretly and openly cursing his parents, but at the same time loving them so much that he is unable to leave the old people. He is practically not adapted to his personal life.

At first, the “child” has the illusion that all this is temporary and will pass by itself with age, and when trying to establish a personal life, the “child” each time runs into a wall built by parents from prohibitions, reproaches, tears, etc. But years go by, the “child” is already 40, 45, 50 years old, and now, the approaching death of his parents looks more like a salvation for him than a tragedy.

Parents will die sooner or later, and their "creation" in the form of an unfortunate notorious person with an all-consuming sense of guilt will remain. Stay alive? Or live out your age, malnourished by your parents? Yes, and such a child will survive only if he does not die earlier from alcoholism or drug addiction (alcohol and drugs are well-known "folk" methods of dealing with anxiety).

Second option is a child who managed to create his own family and live separately from his parents-manipulators.

One would think that the creation of one's own family and traveling with parents should relieve the child of guilt or reduce it, but this is not so.
A person always deals not only with external objects, but also with internal mental objects. This means that in fact the child has parted ways with his parents, but not on a mental level, since the internal objects - the parents have thoroughly “settled” in the soul of the child.

Manipulative parents continue to attack the child from a distance. They require frequent visits with "traitor children", regular calls by phone or Skype.

Often, parents set a certain time for calls, which is quite problematic for a “child”, who already has his own family and his own affairs. But because of guilt, you have to follow the rules, and if you have to break, then with a strong sense of guilt.

Here is an example of such a situation taken from the forum. The daughter has not lived with her parents for a long time, but regular harassment by the mother continues:

Another typical example: an overgrown offspring who has his own family is obliged to get in touch with his mother via Skype every evening at a set time under any circumstances.

It is quite obvious that such parental control, based on skillful manipulation, can bring a lot of inconvenience and negative emotions to the child. Even if he is at a considerable distance from his parents.

As I wrote earlier, the child is initially vitally interested in attention from the mother, and, therefore, seduces her in ways available to him. The mother responds to the child in return. Over the years, this “game played by the whole family” does not end, but reaches a new level.

What are the ways out of this situation?

When a child is small, he cannot control this situation and the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the parents, who, having made tremendous mental efforts on themselves, can refuse to instill a sense of guilt in their child and seek help from a specialist.

But when a child reaches the age of majority (the age at which, according to the legislative norms, full civil capacity comes, as well as other additional rights and obligations), he can independently seek help from a specialist in order to work out his feelings of guilt before his parents. Although, of course, a child can do this, or at least think about it being a minor.

Practice shows that in most cases, a “torn umbilical cord” hurts only the first time. If an adult child finds the strength to stop “playing along” with his parents and thereby temporarily offend them, then after some time the “wound” from the gap will “heal”, the resentment will subside, and the relationship between parents and the child will normalize as much as possible .

Despite the fact that the above is a "family game" yet most of the responsibility lies with the parents due to the fact that they begin to manipulate the child when the child is not able to resist it.

"Everyone tends to do to others the way he was treated in childhood."

It is in the parental forces to stop in time and not take revenge on the children for their childhood. To make sure that “a happy childhood that is so great to remember” does not turn into something for their child that “never and would never agree to relive again.”

I'll end with a classic:

“...Our children are our old age. Proper upbringing is our happy old age, bad upbringing is our future grief, these are our tears, this is our guilt before other people... the work of "building" new forms of life".

Thank you for attention.