How can I overcome envy? How to get rid of envy? How to cope with the fear of envy of other people? I often hear these questions from my clients.

Everyone has a feeling of envy.

Someone may recognize it. Someone suppresses - and sees his envy in the people around him. Like directed at yourself.

Envy is a hard feeling. And our psyche develops protection.

Someone is protected by a complete depreciation of the object of envy.

Someone - loud demonstrative admiration and "joy" for the other.

Someone - ostentatious indifference.

Envy is when happiness, success, the achievement of others seem to kill us.

Killing in our own eyes. And in the eyes of those people who know about the success of that Other, and how it seems to us about the “complete insignificance” of ourselves.

Envy paralyzes. Blocks the path to growth. Enchains us in a cage of impotent rage. Shame. Humiliation.

Often, shame is imposed on top of the very feeling of envy. Which further exacerbates the human experience.

How to deal with jealousy? How to overcome envy?

It is impossible to cope with envy (with one's own envy or with the fear of envy of others) as long as we see only two figures in this story: I (the one who envy) - Another (the one whom I envy) or I (the one who envy) and the Other (the one who envy me).

As long as we view envy in this way, there is no way out of this story.

If we consciously acknowledge our envy, we will continue to feel it. Only objects will change.

If we suppress our envy and feel it as curling others directed at us, it will continue.

In both the first and second cases, we will be forced to unconsciously limit our growth and development, to deprive ourselves of potentiality.

In the first case, due to paralysis caused by a feeling of envy.

In another, because of the fear of the envy of others.

It is possible to get out of this vicious circle and overcome envy only when we see a third figure in this "performance".

What is this figure that makes us feel jealous?

This is the Judge. First of all, our inner Judge.

This is the one who determines what and who should be envied. This is the one in whose eyes the "magnificence and success" of another and our own "worthlessness and insignificance" are reflected.

Have you ever wondered why you envy, for example, the beauty of a friend, but at the same time you are completely untouched by her brilliant mind?

Or it seems to you that a friend is jealous of your family happiness. But at the same time, the thought does not occur to you that she may envy your appearance.

If we take a closer look at envy, we will see that it is aimed at certain qualities, characteristics, achievements. Not for people in general.

Who defines these criteria?

Why does something seem so significant to us that when someone has it, but we don’t, everything around us fades?

From early childhood, each of us learns two images of ourselves: what I ideally should be and what I really am.

And if the gap between these images is large, then the person is doomed to the torments of envy.

Then the figure of the Judge guides inside the person. Which mercilessly punishes with contempt and humiliation every time we fall short of the “ideal”. And instead of us "ideal" someone else. Ideal precisely from the point of view of the Judge. And be sure that the Judge will make sure that at the first opportunity you poke your nose into the "ideality" of the other. After all, his task is to "push you foreheads." You are ideal (projected onto another person) and you are insignificant. The task of the Judge is constant comparison. With inevitable defeat for you. If you are worse, then the pangs of envy. If you are better, then fear of envy and guilt.

The judge lives within us. It is born from the internal conflicts of our parents. Which by inheritance pass to us as part of the parental complex in our psyche.

Sometimes the Judge can be projected onto other people. For example, in a situation where one friend constantly informs another about the success of their mutual friend. Or when someone is praised in our presence. That is, when a real person appears who becomes a witness of our “shameful defeat” against the background of the “triumph” of another.

And here is a very opportune sacramental question:

And who are the judges?

This is the question that is the beginning of getting out of the envy trap.

Think about your inner Judge: Whose voice does he speak? Whose attitudes, desires, values ​​does it convey?

Ask yourself a question: if no one ever found out that I don’t have something, and the other one has it, would it also be painful for me?

Learn to distinguish the voice of your Self from the voice of the Judge. Learn to take the place of the Judge in your inner world. And be your own fair judge. A fair inner Judge, on the one hand, motivates us to move forward and develop. On the other hand, he honestly and generously celebrates our victories and successes. And we tolerate our weaknesses and defeats.

When a person moves towards his ideals, and not prescribed "from above", in other words, when a person realizes himself - then there is no need to fight envy. And then the desired happens to us, and not to someone else. Because there is no conflict between resistance to the "Parent-Judge" and the need to conform to his ideals, which takes all the energy to serve.

Unless you are Warren Buffett or Usain Bolt, there will always be someone in the world who is richer, faster, stronger and more successful than you. Whatever business, project or idea you develop, there will be someone who does it better, and willingly or unwittingly you will look at your competitor or rival with an envious sigh. The entire modern culture of consumption and the life of society as a whole is imbued with the spirit of competition:“faster, higher, stronger” is no longer about sports. This is about money, power, a beautiful and expensive car (albeit often bought on credit, but just to “tear” the neighbors’ eyes), about a bigger house in nature, about a business card and a higher position (although sometimes this is the greatest evil with which you will encounter in your life).

A person is an ambitious little animal that is not used to retreat, and therefore one wants to be better, more successful, get ahead, catch up, overtake, succeed ... Envy imperceptibly becomes an obligatory part of our worldview., although it poisons our lives, often interfering with normal friendly, business and family relations. How to deal with it?

To start: envy comes from the habit of comparing yourself to others(although this often not only does not help, but even harms advancement both in life and in the career ladder). Quitting this habit isn't easy, but there are at least 5 steps you can take to curb your jealousy and get it under control.

1. Admit to yourself that you tend to be jealous. Recognizing that the feeling of envy is not alien to you means that you are able to recognize your own weakness and insecurity in some cases, as well as the hostility that appears in relation to those whom you envy. A person cannot imagine himself a superman if he is mentally normal; which means that weakness and insecurity are just as natural parts of your "I", as well as other character traits and personal qualities.

2. Understand that pride is just the other side of envy. If your colleague has a better car than you, but at the same time you are more beautiful than he (or she) is only the first step to future envy. Sooner or later, a person will appear at your work with a more expensive car and a more attractive appearance than you and your “loser” colleague. And then you will become a loser, and envy will give free rein.

You should not be proud of what arose only as a result of well-established life circumstances or good heredity.

Understand that most of the things or personality traits that you are proud of are only temporary, and there will always be someone who will be better than you in these parameters.

3. Replace envy with the ability to look at someone else's success from different angles and empathize with him. You will never know for sure at what cost money, fame, appearance, a happy (at first glance) family or a brilliant career were given to your acquaintances or even strangers, but famous people.

Sometimes on the way to success or happiness, which everyone envy, lie huge sacrifices, mistakes, big and small tragedies. Having understood this, you will understand that there is nothing to envy here: who knows, maybe you didn’t even have a tenth of those troubles and trials that these “successful” people had.

Do you want such fame, success and wealth at such a price?

4. Make envy your self-improvement fuel, if possible. Yes, sometimes envy cannot change our difficult past, difficult childhood, tragic events in the recent or distant past, lack of money or bad parents. But you should not delve endlessly into these reasons, reveling in self-pity, complaining about fate and continuing to envy someone who is doing better than you - and at the same time doing nothing, just sitting back.

Are you dissatisfied with your job, lifestyle, relationships or material well-being? Just get up and do something to change the way you live your life!

5. Do not forget about the feeling of gratitude and the ability to rejoice in your successes. This does not mean that you need to calculate with a calculator whether you have made more successful deeds and changes than a colleague or neighbor. Just do not forget that every small victory is your personal big success and an important event in your life.

The ability to change focus from unreasonable envy to motivated gratitude and joy for your successes is the best thing that will help you.

It is quite natural to sometimes be imbued with a feeling of envy. However, if you are so blinded by it that you spend all your time wishing for what others have and you don’t, and you can’t look at your life from the outside and appreciate what surrounds you, then we are talking about a problem. If you want to overcome feelings of envy and live a contented life, read on.

Steps

Understand your envy

1. Admit to yourself that you have a problem. Before you start fighting envy, you need to admit to yourself that this is a real problem that affects your life and prevents you from loving yourself. Envy is a very debilitating feeling that can interfere with your goals and keep you from getting better. Here are some signs of envy in your life:

   • If you spend most of your time wishing for what others have instead of appreciating what is given to you.
   • If you constantly compare yourself with your friends, your family members, colleagues and constantly come to the conclusion that you lose in this comparison.
   • If you are jealous of a particular person and cannot spend more than five minutes with her, not wanting to have her clothes, appearance or position.
   • If you envy the relationship of all your friends and want your romance to be at least half as successful as theirs.
   • If you hate it when your partner communicates with any member of the opposite sex. You are deeply convinced that each of them is trying to win it back from you.
   • If you are so obsessed with the idea that your partner is cheating on you that you constantly check his Facebook or even email and phone.
   • If you compare your relationship, career, or family every few minutes to the relationships, careers, and families of everyone you meet.
   • If you get jealous to the point of losing momentum when your girlfriend spends time with someone new, constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?

2. Think about your envy. Once you admit that you have a real problem and want to tame the ugly green dragon, you will first need to understand why you are feeling jealous. If you feel that you are lacking in what others have, then your own life is likely to be lacking. Here's how to understand where your feelings come from:

   • Are you jealous of a particular aspect of your friends' lives? For example, if you're only jealous about your friends' romantic relationships because yours isn't as good, then you need to try to improve your relationship or end it if it's not worth it. Is your best friend trying to be an artist and you're jealous because you're afraid to take that step yourself? This may be a sign that you need to rethink your career path.
   • Are you jealous of absolutely everything that others have? If it seems to you that you have nothing that others can envy, then you suffer from an insecurity inferiority complex. You have to work on your self-esteem before you can get rid of feelings of envy.
   • Are you jealous of how your friends look? Do you think your life would be much better if you looked like them? In this case, you need to develop your individual style, spend more time doing physical exercises and monitor your nutrition, as well as learn to love the best in yourself and remind yourself of this every day in front of the mirror.

Fix the situation

1. Make yourself better. If you are a chronically envious person, then you probably feel that you are not worthy of admiration because you are not active, interesting or energetic. It's time to work on yourself and become a person who does not experience feelings of envy, as he is quite pleased with himself. Here's what to do:

   • Become confident. Write down everything you love about yourself and make a list of your flaws. Work on all your shortcomings and you will start to feel better. If you start to like yourself, you will have less reason to envy others.
   • One of the most common reasons for envy is material wealth. If you're jealous of a friend who has a lot of money or is from a wealthy family while you don't have a fortune, you have to accept that you won't be able to buy much of what she can. Instead, count your money. Save and buy some of the most important things for your wardrobe or home that will delight your soul.
   • Work on your body. If you're jealous of your friend's firm abs, just start going to the gym more often. Remember that although each person is born with a unique body, you can still control your species. If you think that everyone around you looks better than you, and that there is nothing you can do to change this situation, then you may have problems with your appearance and may need to seek help from a doctor.
   • Remember how important it is to be yourself. You will not overcome your feelings of envy if you try to be like your friends and build your relationships in the same way as they do. No two people are the same, and it will only get worse for you if you try to imitate someone else. While different people should inspire you in different ways, remember that you are a unique person and never compare yourself to others.

2. Whatever you do, try to do well. Perhaps the reason for envy is that you do not like what you are forced to do on a daily basis. To avoid this, you must take pride in the hard work you do and also be enthusiastic about self-indulgence. If you are busy with your own goals and interests, you will not have time for envy.

   • Do more of what you enjoy. If you spend a lot of time daydreaming about being like your friends, it might be because you don't do things you're proud of. Develop your intellect by reading more poetry, plays, novels, improve your skills, whether it is knitting or fixing furniture. The more you work on your personality, the happier you will feel in your body.
   • Develop your career. If you're jealous of a friend who makes her dreams come true or who gets a promotion at work, then you need to either work harder at your job or change your profile and do something you really enjoy.
   • Set goals for yourself and achieve them. Start small. If you've never run before, challenge yourself to run 5K non-stop. If you succeed, you will be proud of what you are capable of and will try to set other goals for yourself.

3. Improve your relationships with people. If you're jealous of someone because they have so many friends or a perfect relationship, it's likely that something is missing in your own relationship. Try to have interesting conversations with your friends and build open and honest relationships.

   • If you like your friends or partner, then you will have no reason to be jealous of other people's relationships. If you have a strong relationship, you will feel confident and secure.
     • If jealousy is at the core of your friendship, it might be time to end it. If one of your friends is constantly trying to make you jealous by boasting about what she has, you may need to leave this person in the past.
   • Improve your relationships with family members. If you don't spend enough time with your family, you might be jealous that someone has a close relationship with their family members.
   • Improve the love area of ​​your life. If you're in a serious romance, work on maintaining open and honest communication and getting better at pointing out the flaws in the relationship. If you are single, work on feeling happy, not being attached to anyone and interested in finding a partner for the future, instead of being jealous of someone else's relationship.

Improve your outlook

1. Remind yourself how lucky you are. When a feeling of envy prevails over you, you cannot look at things objectively and understand how happy you really are. Remind yourself that you are awfully lucky, if only because you have hot water, food in the fridge, good health, or even access to a computer. Here's how to do it:

   • Realize how lucky you are compared to most people in the world. Remind yourself that many people in the world don't have much of what you take for granted. You have probably never really experienced real hunger, that you are healthy and can easily see a doctor, that you have enough clothes to keep you warm, and that you are not really oppressed where you live. This is more than many might think.
   • Understand that you yourself have a lot that can cause envy in others. Make a list of at least 20 items that other people would like to have. The list could be something as simple as "hot water" or something more intricate like "the ability to make anyone laugh."
   • Understand that no one you envy has a perfect life. Be realistic about them. Make a list of what you envy from them, and then try to think about what they would like from what you have. For example, you may be jealous of your friend's wonderful romance, but she may be jealous that you have two loving parents. You may be jealous of your friend's promotion, but she might wish she were as talented an artist as you are.

2. Be a more generous person. If you spend more time helping others, you will not only feel better, but you will also have a better understanding that you have a lot of things that others would be incredibly grateful for.

   • Volunteer in your community. This will remind you once again how lucky you are when you help people learn English, learn to read or feed them. Being around people whose basic needs cannot be met will remind you how lucky you are with your own life.
   • Help your friends. Help a friend who is having relationship problems, or encourage a friend who is having a hard time preparing for their final exams. Penetration into other people's troubles will help you realize that it's not only you who are having a hard time and that you are not the only one trying to improve your life.
   • Do nice little things for those you love. Help a depressed friend do their laundry, or take a friend whose car has broken down for a ride. You will feel useful and appreciate what you have more.

Focus on your qualities. While you may still be missing out on a lot, focus on the aspects of your life that you enjoy, such as your relationships or your wonderful job. Highlight what you have instead of thinking about what you lack.

Refrain from envy in the future. Once you do your best and defeat the feeling of envy that prevails in your life, make sure that it does not return in the future. There are a few things you can do to keep the ugly feeling from coming back to you in the future:

• Don't take anything for granted. Every morning, remind yourself of the ten things you are grateful for in life. By doing this daily, you will become a person who has nothing to envy.
• Avoid situations that can make you jealous. If you can't contain your jealousy for your partner, don't date young people who like to associate with the opposite sex. If you have a friend who has everything and you're jealous, try to spend less time with her so you don't feel awkward.
• Recognize this feeling in yourself. As soon as you realize that you are jealous of someone again, go home and write everything down in a notebook. Why are you jealous of this person? How can you stop this feeling before it gets out of control?
• Remember that sometimes it is useful to be imbued with a feeling of envy. Don't beat yourself up if sometimes you can't avoid that feeling. If your girlfriend bought a new car and you wanted to too, or if one of your friends announced the wedding, and you would like to find a partner for yourself, then it's perfectly normal to envy someone else's joy for a short time. When envy dominates your life and influences your every action, only then is it a problem.

• Avoid telling people how lucky they are. Thus, you will confuse everyone around.
• Envy is an unattractive quality. There is nothing more harmful in a relationship than jealousy. This will only be an indicator that you are not confident in your abilities and data, and your partner will be disappointed in you.

Warnings

• If you have tried everything and it seems that nothing will help you, then you may be suffering from depression and should seek help.

Your cousin was promoted yesterday to deputy general manager, she has three higher educations, a gold school medal and a doctorate in economics. And the acquaintance is married to a businessman, and her life is spent in resorts, beauty salons and boutiques. And even your niece, while you are struggling with French, at 16 is already chatting in three languages. "Well, why am I so unlucky?" You repeat every day.

Admit you're jealous. Unfortunately, we all envy each other to one degree or another. This unpleasant feeling is inherent in almost everyone (with the exception, perhaps, of saints and kings). And all because we are all different. Someone sings well, and someone dances, the first envies the plasticity of the second, and the latter, in turn, the voice of the first. Vicious circle. But you understand perfectly well that such envy is unfounded and even stupid, because it is impossible to be the best in everything. It is much easier and more reasonable to admit: “Yes, I will never be able to write like Pushkin and draw like Aivazovsky. But I can stand on my head / read a book in two hours / fix a computer / eat solar energy for a week ... ". Honestly, this feeling should not even be called envy. It is rather admiration for someone else's talent, his recognition. Yes, you can’t do something, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have strengths. You can surpass even Pushkin in something. Even in such trifles as the ability to do styling.

Popular

Another thing is when envy arises because of an object that you could have possessed with a little more patience and a little more effort. Trite, but most often we ourselves are the blacksmiths of our own happiness. Do you really think that your colleague's promotion is completely unfair? Isn't the reason that she, unlike you, was not late and did not spend a couple of hours of working time chatting over a cup of coffee. It often happens that envy is anger at oneself. "And why am I so lazy?" you think when you find out that your girlfriend got an overtime bonus. After all, you could. All these unused chances and unrealized opportunities hurt your ego. And in this case, envy can become an incentive for self-improvement. Just the next time you decide to skip a workout at the fitness club or eat a chocolate bar at a time, remember how well that beautiful skirt fits on your friend, which you could not fit into. You don't want this to happen again, do you?

But there is also a strange envy. Nothing unreasonable, and therefore the most powerful. It breaks the delicate balance of your inner world and literally eats you from the inside. You can neither control it nor explain it. Yes, you understand that in some ways you are worse than others and that you can become better, but no matter what you do, envy does not leave you and does not give you peace. In yourself you see only flaws, in others you see solid virtues. Such envy is the most harmful and painful, and, alas, it says that you simply do not love yourself. “Yes, why love yourself?” - you think, and while you think, nothing will change for the better. Envy will only get stronger.

Perhaps the most neglected stage of envy is when it interferes with life not only for you, but also for others. You intrigue everyone who is more fortunate in life than you, slander people and try in every possible way to trip them up just because they turned out to be better in some way. Don't let your bad feelings ruin your life! Jealousy can and should be fought. There are many ways to do this.

1) Stop berating yourself. As soon as you learn to put up with your shortcomings and notice your virtues, your attitude towards others will also change for the better.

2) Analyze your actions. Learn to enjoy even small victories.

3) look around: there is probably enough positive in your life, you just don’t always see it.

4) Be better. If a person knows how to do something better than you, this does not mean at all that he is bad. Try to establish friendly contact with him - this will help get rid of the painful feeling.

5) Work on yourself. Success doesn't come easily to anyone. As a rule, this is the result of hard work. Constantly do self-improvement. Your knowledge and experience should not stand still, constantly accumulate them. Then you just won't have time to think about the "sweet life" of those you envy.

6) Remember that envy destroys. If your health is dear to you, do not let this feeling into your life.

Text: Katya Gorlova

Envy is a negative human emotion that brings anger, resentment, irritation, annoyance, gives rise to self-doubt and hatred for the object that causes this feeling. Such envy is called black.

There is another, white envy, it allows you to sincerely rejoice in the victories, happiness, successes of others, motivating you to develop yourself and achieve what you want.

If white envy does not bring any inconvenience and is an impetus for self-improvement, then black envy, on the contrary, has destructive power. She, like a worm, eats up the human soul, makes the winner wish troubles and failures and does not lead to a fruitful spirit of rivalry.

Anything can be the cause of envy: dissatisfaction with oneself, one's skills and abilities, appearance, financial situation, when someone is better, more, more beautiful. And it does not matter how this other achieved an enviable result, how much he had to work and what to sacrifice.

Usually people who are jealous are weak in spirit and lazy. It is always easier to blame everything on fate, justify yourself to yourself and do nothing in order to correct something in your life.

If a person realizes that envy prevents him from living and developing, having understood the reasons, he will find a way to fight this addiction and get rid of it.

Reasons for envy

1. Envy is laid down at the genetic level, it is impossible to get rid of it completely, it remains deep in the subconscious, but you can change its direction from destruction to creation.

2. Inability to enjoy the little things, to appreciate what is, a sense of greed absorb positive emotions.

3. The desire to get everything at once leads to envy and a negative attitude towards more successful colleagues, friends, neighbors, who, in the opinion of the envious, succeed in everything easily and undeservedly.

4. Uncertainty and low self-esteem in case of failures makes you give up and envy the achievements of others.

5. An envious feeling can be the result of incorrect upbringing if the child is compared with other children.

Ways to overcome envy

1. Understand that envy is nothing but an evil that brings suffering, and decide to get rid of it.

2. To minimize envy, you need to admit: envy is an insult to oneself. After all, if you figure it out, then dissatisfaction arises not because of the object of envy, but because of the understanding that it is better.

3. It is necessary to accept the fact that it is normal when someone is more successful, smarter, richer.

4. Don't compare yourself to others. Comparison with yourself yesterday will bring much more benefit. You need to surpass yourself, overcome your weaknesses, shortcomings, fears. Rejoice at your own, even small, successes and keep moving forward. This attitude removes the basis for envy.

5. Learn to admire other people's victories. Admiring, a person also recognizes the abilities, advantages, dignity of another person that he himself does not possess, but he does not have resentment or hatred, but a desire to achieve the same results, learn from experience, start acting. Respect for the merits and achievements of others evokes a reciprocal respect for one's own successes.

6. It is necessary to tune your thoughts so that the feeling of envy serves as a motivation for action. Instead of getting angry - learn the perseverance that led a person to success.

7. Rejoice in what you have. People tend to take their spiritual values ​​and material wealth for granted, without even suspecting that they can also cause envy in someone. The ability to appreciate what you have will help get rid of envy of what another has.

8. Forget about the feeling of injustice. The world exists according to its own laws, which do not always correspond to personal concepts of justice.

9. Feeling sorry for yourself means admitting your weakness, impotence, insolvency. And having believed in it, it remains only to envy others.

10. A busy person has no time for envy. Having drawn up his plan of action and following it, he goes to his goal and does not envy the success of others.

11. The feeling of envy must be treated as the worst enemy and not given the opportunity to win.