The Second World War, like any other, brought not only casualties and destruction, but also useful discoveries. Military doctors often encountered unusual disorders associated with both post-traumatic stress syndrome and less severe stressful situations. The term "passive aggression" was first used by the American physician William Menninger, describing cases of indirect expression of anger. The soldiers observed by Menninger did not openly express anger, but showed it in resentment, stubbornness, refusal to follow orders, inefficient service in general. At first, the researcher considered this behavior immature, caused by the stress of military action. But then it became clear that the soldiers' reactions could be symptoms of a personality disorder. The new diagnosis was reflected in the first Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). True, over time it has moved from the category of major personality disorders to the group of "disorders requiring further study."
Versions about the origin of passive aggression, scientists expressed even before Menninger, using other terms. In the works of Sigmund Freud, one can find descriptions of cases of indirect expression of anger associated with the need to restrain affects that are undesirable for oneself and others. The German psychiatrist Frederick Perls, who radically revised the ideas of classical psychoanalysis, considered passive aggression to be the scourge of modern civilization, manifested in laziness, in unhealthy eating behavior, and in the invention of deadly weapons. The American psychologist Eric Berne associated passive aggression with childhood behavioral patterns that persist in an adult instead of the appearance of mature, deliberate reactions. But all researchers agreed on one thing: the roots of passive aggression must be sought in childhood.
From childhood to adulthood: behaving well
Some parents calmly react to the aggressive behavior of the child, realizing that, due to age, he is not able to realize the damage that he can cause to his peers and parents. Other mothers and fathers from early childhood require the baby to be a good boy, not to offend anyone and suppress bouts of anger. With such requirements, they cause double harm to the child: firstly, they teach him to constantly suppress the aggression in himself, which is necessary to overcome difficulties and protect himself, and secondly, he is instilled with wrong behavior patterns that may be to the liking of parents, but subsequently bring to a person many problems. Let's say a child doesn't like the food they are fed for breakfast. He can say: "I hate this nasty porridge!" But instead of persuading a child to eat porridge (for example, with the help of a game), some parents go the simplest way and impose a ban on such reactions. “Good kids don’t say that,” “Don’t argue with parents,” “If you say that, it means you don’t love your mom,” and so on.
In this case, the only way for the child to express his attitude to the situation is to quietly sabotage the process, without bringing the matter to an open conflict: for example, deliberately eating slowly and being distracted. Or the child may begin to misbehave at the table, wanting to “punish” the parents for some offense on another occasion, not daring to openly express their displeasure. The successful application of these methods is gradually fixed, and a person begins to use them for any reason. First of all - against people who are authority for him, by inertia transferring parental figures to them.
From theory to practice: being honest with yourself
Passive-aggressive behavior can be made up of different elements; if you look closely at colleagues and acquaintances, you will recognize many of them. Failure to meet deadlines, postponing necessary actions, protesting against the adequate demands of others, stubbornness, disgust and contempt for superiors, sabotage, sarcasm, avoidance of responsibility are just a small fraction of the techniques that a person who has not learned to express anger in childhood can use. Each of these methods individually does not mean that a person needs to be taken to an appointment with a psychotherapist, but using them together should alert.
Professional psychologists and psychotherapists believe that people who show passive aggression rarely realize the inadequacy of their behavior and have no motivation for treatment. And even agreeing to a psychotherapeutic session, such patients come into confrontation with the doctor. The therapist cannot indulge the patient's reactions, this is contrary to the treatment process, but if he constantly criticizes the manifestations of passive aggression, he may inadvertently induce the person to refuse therapy altogether. People who use passive aggression to solve their problems often throw such problems not only to specialists, but also to relatives.
Typically, psychotherapists use behavioral techniques and social skills training. Since childhood, such patients suffer from a lack of understanding of the rules of behavior, they do not know when one or another communicative technique can be used. The psychotherapist demonstrates patterns of behavior that are adequate to the situation: he expresses his emotions directly (for example, he simply says: “I am angry with you because you are dissatisfied, but you are silent”), uses humor. The therapist also supports the patient's healthy behavior, praises him, compliments his adequate jokes, but not sarcasm.
Recognizing passive aggression and counteracting it is not so difficult - even for a non-specialist. You should be on your guard if your relative, friend or colleague behaves in the following way:
Constantly complaining or arguing.
Performs actions that are contrary to your proposal, which was agreed in advance. For example, you and your spouse agreed to stay at home on Saturday and do spring cleaning. On Friday, he/she unexpectedly announces that he/she is going to the cinema tomorrow with friends, and cleaning - some other time.
Neglects news and events in the lives of significant people. For example, you tell your best friend that you are being sent on a dream trip to Madagascar for six months, and he is stuck on the phone or interrupts you with the words: “Let me tell you better how we went on a Warcraft raid yesterday.”
Refuses positive ratings. "Honey, I bought you a car." - “Do you want me to stick around in traffic jams all my life?”
Denies own negative reactions. "Why are you pouting?" - "It just seems this way to you".
I am convinced that only other people are constantly lucky.
The above reactions are components of passive-aggressive behavior. To overcome it, you need to behave carefully and consistently: give up the games that your communication partner imposes on you, do not use his techniques, do not start communication without optimism and positive attitudes. Remain calm and try to explain to yourself the reasons for the behavior of a colleague, relative or friend. Every time you hear sarcasm or a complaint, try to look at the situation through your partner's eyes. Maybe you will feel loneliness and resentment that overwhelms your interlocutor, and it will become easier for you to sympathize with him. If you can't find the cause, simply list the characteristics of his behavior, accept them, and admit that you don't buy into these reactions this time. Ask questions, try to find out what your interlocutor is dissatisfied with.
Encourage complaining, but don't wake the sleeping beast: if a person is trying his best to channel his aggression in detours, he may be doing it out of fear that you will not be able to cope with the wave of his anger. Be careful and try to distinguish between irritation, which manifests itself in mobility and quick casual speech, from rage, which can be hidden behind numbness, tense posture and frozen facial expressions. And most importantly - express your own feelings, talk about yourself, show that you are a living person. Open expression of feelings is the very risk that a person who shows passive aggression tries to avoid, not knowing how to show himself true. But once he succeeds in expressing himself for once and seeing that he is understood, he will never again refuse such an experience.
If you catch yourself using passive aggression, try not to lose the feeling of awareness of your own actions. If you want to respond abruptly, stop, exhale and say what you were going to say directly but calmly. Any “it infuriates me that others get everything” can be turned into “I want to be loved, I am ready to open up to people.” Be honest with yourself first. Sincerity is a direct path to open dialogue, constructive aggression and overcoming difficulties.
Photo: Marc Quinn
Icons: 1) Herbert Spencer, 2) Alexander, 3) Gilad Fried - from the Noun Project.
Passive-aggressive personalities
People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have the opposite style, which is indicative of their unwillingness to receive recognition and support from people in positions of power.
Their main problem lies in the conflict between the desire to receive the benefits bestowed by the authorities and the owners of resources, and the desire to maintain their independence. Consequently, they try to maintain relationships by becoming passive and submissive, but when they feel they have lost their independence, they subvert authority.
These people may perceive themselves as self-sufficient but vulnerable to outside intrusion. However, they are drawn to strong people and organizations because they crave social approval and support.
The desire to “join in” often clashes with the fear of being invaded and influenced by others. However, they perceive others as pushy, demanding, intrusive, controlling, and dominating. Especially often passive-aggressive personalities think this way about people in power. And at the same time they are considered capable of acceptance, support and care.
The internal hidden beliefs of a passive-aggressive person are associated with the following ideas: "It is unbearable to be controlled by others", "I have to do everything my own way", "I deserve approval for everything I did."
Their conflicts are expressed in a clash of beliefs: “I need someone with power and authority to support me and take care of me” versus: “I must protect my independence and independence”, “If I adhere to other people's rules, I lose my freedom of action” .
The behavior of such people is expressed in the postponement of actions that the authorities expect from them, or in superficial submission, but disobedience in essence. Usually such a person resists the demands of others, both in the professional field and in personal relationships. But he does it in an indirect way: he delays work, gets offended, “forgets”, complains that she is not understood or underestimated.
The main threat and fears are associated with the loss of approval and a decrease in independence. Their strategy is to strengthen their independence through covert opposition to the people in power, while at the same time through a visible search for their patronage.
Passive-aggressive individuals try to evade or circumvent the rules through covert defiance. They are often destructive, which takes the form of late work, not attending classes, and similar behavior.
Despite this, at first glance, due to the need for approval, such people can diligently appear obedient and assuming authority. They are often passive and generally tend to take the path of least resistance, avoiding competitive situations and acting alone.
A typical emotion of passive-aggressive individuals is pent-up anger, which is associated with opposition to the rules set by the authorities. It is quite conscious and is replaced by anxiety in anticipation of repressions and under the threat of stopping the feeding of power.
Passive-aggressive people are acutely aware of everything in which they see a lack of respect or insufficient, in their opinion, assessment of their personality. If you ask for something in a harsh manner or with an absent look, they are very likely to immediately become hostile.
However, put yourself in their place: how did you react the last time your boss ordered you to do something dryly or harshly? Even if you don't object to the nature of the order, you are likely to be tempted to ignore the order because the boss's arrogant appearance and tone are irritating.
Passive-aggressive personalities often experience hidden anger, so if you are polite and friendly with them, it will make life much easier. And if your request or demand causes them discomfort, try to express sympathy and understanding of the situation in a few friendly, but respectful (by no means familiar!) Phrases.
Compare two options for communicating with a waiter. First: “What kind of service?! Couldn't it be faster?" Second: “I'm in a hurry! I see that there are a lot of customers in the restaurant, and you are up to your neck, but if you could serve me quickly, I would be grateful to you.
Of course, neither approach guarantees results. But by accepting the first one, you are likely to provoke a new passive-aggressive reaction. The waiter, even if he speeds up, will find an opportunity to “punish” you in another way: he “forgets” to bring cutlery or one of the dishes, “disappears” when you are about to pay, or seat a noisy company at the next table.
A passive-aggressive personality often expresses its aggressiveness in an indirect way, believing that it risks much less. In some cases, this actually works and reinforces the chosen behavior. But if you manage to encourage such a person to openly express their dissatisfaction, this will allow you to discuss the problem and, perhaps, find a mutually acceptable solution.
If this is a person with whom you will have to interact more than once, the tactic of ignoring his indirect aggression is not the most constructive and useful. Try not to pretend that you don't notice the dissatisfaction. If your significant other or co-worker is sulking at you, you may be tempted to keep quiet and not respond until everything is over. But, alas, in most cases this does not go away on its own.
Do not forget that passive-aggressive behavior is almost always some kind of signal or call. If you do not perceive it, the passive-aggressive type is likely to increase the power until you react in one way or another. Failure to achieve the goal often inflames such people. To push such an interlocutor to detente or switch to an open dialogue, for example, the question: “It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something. Or I'm wrong?"
In dialogue, try not to criticize passive-aggressive people by shaping their image of parents lecturing. Otherwise, you will fall into a vicious circle of mutual revenge.
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What is passive aggression? Almost everyone met her in life (and some people regularly splash it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely.
A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Only without the sword. (joke)
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone met her in life (and some people regularly splash it out on others). However, the phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely. More often you can hear something like: “She has a bad temper” or “He is an energy vampire: he doesn’t seem to do anything bad, but after talking with him you feel very bad.” People usually do not know that no esoteric stuff has anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person who is so difficult to deal with actually regularly acts passive-aggressively with you.
Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in a socially acceptable form, while the aggressor outwardly does not go beyond social norms.
(When I was looking for material for an article, I suddenly realized where exactly you can find a lot of passive-aggressive reactions: on forums where daughters-in-law complain about their mothers-in-law. And I typed a number of examples in the LJ community “father-in-law”). So, examples:
For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a box of jam. When I opened the present, she said that the jam was for all the guests, not just me, but she needed the box back.
During the wedding photo session, the mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - four of us and without me. I was ready to just kiss this little, bald man when he remarked: “Excuse me, madam, but your family already includes more than four. The bride must be present in every photo!”
My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a cross necklace, and a cookbook called How to Cook Pork Chops for my birthday. On the card (with Jesus) it was written that she hoped that I changed my mind and that she could save me. Did I mention that I'm Jewish? I kept telling her all 7 years of our marriage that I did NOT plan to change religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn't help but obsess over religion. He added that he loves me and is thinking about converting to Judaism! He doesn't plan anything like that, but he wanted to poke her in the nose with it.
Every Christmas, my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box, we "find" that the glass is broken. The mother-in-law every time pretends to be surprised and takes the box to take it to the store and exchange it. The following year I receive the same gift.
The mother-in-law loves to give gifts in order to embroil her grandchildren among themselves. Last year[...] she gave the kids $35 and said the older two should get $12 and the younger one $11. All three of them looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we didn't let that happen.
My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts at Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In response, they received very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, a can of M&M sweets for everyone. This upset the children, because all the children received their own gift, and ours - a can of candy for the family. One day each grandchild got a really nice gift, and ours got a booklet worth 89 cents. It was the last time we went there.
My husband's stepmother came to us while we were away and stole potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said that she did it because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never received these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.
It was difficult even to choose specific examples from the many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely inventive in poisoning the lives of daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family (“I wish you well!”), give gifts that are borderline offensive (and pretend that they didn’t mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (thank you for a cheap trinket or that they necessarily, ALWAYS went on vacation there and as the father-in-laws say) .... Well, it’s a classic: to break into the room of the young at any opportunity, even in the middle of the night (“I have things there, in the closet” or “I’ll just straighten the blanket for them - they sleep like doves!”). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and sons, too) are not very happy with interference, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people fully feel that they were treated aggressively, an uninvited society was imposed on them, they broke into personal boundaries.
Was there any aggression in these cases? Undoubtedly. The daughters-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone began to bring it to a scandal).
Was the aggression expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of socially acceptable. Is it customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift came out unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from the bottom of my heart, accompanying with "mother's advice." (Actually, unsolicited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite customary for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).
That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim understands perfectly well how she was treated! The victim is not happy and it is not very easy to persuade her: "Never mind, it's okay." She felt quite full-fledged aggression in her address: she (or her children) was placed below others, treated an adult woman like a juvenile fool, or, distributing material values, defiantly deprived her of her status. This is what it is - aggression, only expressed in a passive form.
How to recognize passive aggression?
Oh, when someone shows passive aggression towards you, you will instantly notice it. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful prick. A passive aggressor is usually not rude, does not go into open confrontation. He does not raise his voice and does not start scandals himself - but conflict situations often flare up around him. For some reason, many just want to be rude, yell at this innocent person. And even after a short communication with such a person, one wants to take one's soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, the mood deteriorates so much.
Such people often know themselves that there are many "ill-wishers" or simply bad, malicious people around them. A passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate being mistreated and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won't send back).
Passive-aggressives do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they do not ask - they hint by chance (yes, so that later you can’t find fault in any way). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they do not believe in it themselves. Others are necessarily to blame, bad luck, a bad education system, “everything in this country works this way”, etc. (By the way: one of the effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually bring a person with passive-aggressive behavior to the realization of how he himself, his actions affect the reactions of others.
In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a person surrounded by malicious stupid bastards, but ordinary, normal people for some reason are not happy when they receive a dose of passive aggression. But this is usually not easy to get to, and "psychologically treating" people without their direct request is also a form of mild aggression, by the way, so please don't try to "re-educate" anyone in the best of intentions, okay?).
Here is a short list of manifestations of passive aggression:
Do not speak directly about their desires and needs (hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what not - you always have to guess. They say about such people: “you won’t please him”;
They do not start a scandal first, although they often provoke it;
In especially difficult cases, they can even stir up a "guerrilla war" against someone who is unkind - gossip, intrigue against an unsuspecting "offender";
Often they violate obligations: they promise, and then do not fulfill, sabotage, skillfully shirk. The point here is that the passive-aggressive was initially against it and did not want to do what was agreed with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said "yes" and simply did nothing. Yes, and immediately was not going to;
They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you didn’t want to immediately;
The promised is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. Performed with reluctance, poor quality and at the very last moment. Yes, by the way, now fashionable procrastination can also be a form of passive aggression;
Often unproductive, use the so-called. "Italian strike" - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!” Without entering into an open conflict;
By the way, passive-aggressive personalities often have a reputation as unreliable people who cannot be relied on - precisely because of the above features;
They gossip, complain about others (behind their backs), get offended. They are often indignant and dissatisfied that others behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is arranged incorrectly, the bosses are stupid, they load terribly at work and do not appreciate, etc. They see the cause of their troubles outside, they do not connect them with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the injustice of power towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially love to blame and pour contempt on the authorities of any rank behind their backs);
Critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in the ability to “lower” a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - because this will allow the other to "gain power" by learning what the passive-aggressive likes or dislikes;
Masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. "Punished" by silence. They stubbornly do not explain why they are offended, but non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not launched by passive-aggressive, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);
During open disputes, the passive-aggressive becomes personal, recalls the old, finds something to blame the opponent for, and tries to shift the blame to others to the last;
Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, handicapped, etc. (a classic example is when the daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and finds that the mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the freshly washed floor. To the surprised questions of the young woman, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, baby, never mind, it’s just our custom to the house was clean". Naturally, after such a manifestation of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fall into a rage, but it is not customary to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious "care" - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).
Where does it come from? Origins of passive aggression
Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) were unpredictable and domineering, it is difficult for him to express his demands, wishes, indignations. From this arises an underlying sense of danger, severe anxiety.
If a child is punished for showing anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve his goals in a roundabout way, and not to express disagreement and anger outwardly, but to show it in passive ways.
For example, in one of the forums, when discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant stated: “Oh, everything was like that in my family! It was dangerous for us to be indignant and not just demand something, but also ask - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me ... I remember that even to get a tape recorder for the New Year, I did not ask my parents, but built complex schemes: how by hints, by blunt words, to get them to guess…” In fact, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence on parents), and usually masterfully masters the skills of "guerrilla warfare".
Passive-aggressives are sure that the world is a dangerous place, that it is more expensive to open up in it and trust people. And if others find out what it is that scares you, angers you, or is especially desirable, then they will also gain control over you. Control games are another form of passive aggression. To demand or ask for something from another means to substitute, to show one's weakness, dependence. This means that people can play on your desires (and the world, according to passive-aggressive people, is hostile and it is deadly to fight it). Therefore, openly wanting something or refusing something directly means giving control of your life into the wrong hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive people do not directly express their desires, but answer “yes” to any other request, after which they become gloomy, angry inside themselves and do not do it, excuses with forgetfulness and the fact that they “did not have time”.
By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are most often suppressed in manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow up confident that if they are “correct, truly feminine” (delicate, always sweet, non-assertive), they will definitely “come and bring everything”. And if they don’t carry it, then you are doing something wrong, for example, you brazenly demand a lot; a loving man must himself guess and please his beloved woman; and her job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. It doesn’t work out to put your desires into another person’s head, which means - suffer in silence, like a partisan, and let your beloved listen: “guess for yourself”, “well, is it really incomprehensible”, “if you loved me, you would know” and “do as want". Yes, this is also an undercover power struggle and control games; if you openly say: “Do me this and that, I want it,” then you can hear a direct refusal (“Not now, I have no time”), and even having received what you want, make sure that happiness is not brought. And what, then, who demanded - he himself is to blame? No, it's better to hint, get (or not get) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction, then all the blame is on the one who read the thoughts incorrectly.
Numerous "How to become a feminine woman" courses today often provoke and support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their listeners. In courses with the typical name “become desirable for the weekend,” they teach: a woman cannot, well, you can’t take the initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything in your life will work out correctly on its own. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get something she needs, he will definitely understand everything and will do everything for you, get it and give it to you! And to do something yourself: to demand, to achieve, to refuse unnecessary things, to ask and take care of yourself on your own - in no case. Well, that's unfeminine! So either suffer that they didn’t bring it, or twist the hands of those around you: hint, gradually lead to your idea, “create conditions”. In general, passive aggression, as it is.
What to do if you meet a passive-aggressive type on your way?
First, it is worth knowing that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but he himself will not start a conflict. Do not succumb to provocations - your "explosion of emotions" will not help clarify relations, but will only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Take your soul somewhere else, complain to friends and relatives, but do not give such a passive-aggressive gift, do not show yourself as “bad” and “scandalous”. Do not trust the passive-aggressive with your secrets and information that can harm you if it is disclosed.
Name what is happening and your feelings. Don't blame the other, just say, "When this and that happens, I usually get upset." For example: "When you leave with the whole department for lunch and forget to call me, I feel sad." There is no need to blame (“you are on purpose!”), no need to generalize (“you always!”). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you felt. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid of being blamed for other people’s troubles, and it’s better for those around you to know that for you this is not “nothing happened”, but something upsetting.
Do not expect such a person to understand and re-educate you (even if you retell this article to him). It probably won't happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to therapy because something is wrong with them: they usually complain about bad people around them (who are undoubtedly to blame for everything), or other psychological problems (for example, depression) , or they are forced to appear by relatives who cannot bear coexistence.
publishedPassive-aggressive personality disorder is a condition in which people express anger and negative feelings covertly through their actions instead of directly venting their anger at others. It is characterized by a tendency to obstructionism, constant procrastination, stubbornness, feigned forgetfulness, and deliberate inefficiency in all matters. People with a passive-aggressive personality type constantly complain about everything, are depressed, actively express their pessimistic attitude and are uncompromising in everything. Very often, they try to realize themselves in dependent relationships, finding satisfaction in resisting all the partner’s attempts to achieve adequate performance, productive independent work, equivalent returns in household chores, etc.
When was passive-aggressive personality disorder first diagnosed?
It was first described as a clinical case by Colonel William Menninger during World War II. He noted a peculiar deviation in some of the men, undermining their military conformity. Menninger pointed to the obviously defiant, but not contrary to direct orders, behavior of the soldiers. It was expressed in "passive opposition" such as deliberate slowness, inability to understand orders, making mistakes, general inefficiency, and passive obstruction. The colonel himself did not single out the disorder as a separate ailment and explained it as "personal immaturity" and a reaction to military stress.
For the first time, the classification of passive-aggressive personality disorder as a separate group of disorders was discussed back in the 50s of the last century, and this problem was widely discussed in the late 80s and early 90s, when, thanks to the capabilities of the World Wide Web, the mass prevalence of such communication behavior of Internet users. And although not all e-mails, notes and messages with characteristic content indicate that their authors have this problem, sociological and clinical studies have shown that ~ 96-98% of individuals belonging to the passive-aggressive personality type implement their usual behavior and in network communication.
Causes of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
According to most modern researchers, in most cases, the roots of the problem originate in childhood. Analysis of data from different groups of subjects, depending on age, gender, race, nationality and social status, did not reveal a pronounced correlation, and the indicator varied depending on the research methods used. At the same time, there is an unambiguous relationship with a violation of the incentive system in early childhood. Most often this happens in dysfunctional families where the child does not feel safe enough to freely express frustration, anger and other feelings.
The same applies to overly conservative families, where the role of the dominant head of the family is pronounced and physical and psychological punishment is actively practiced. Under such conditions, honest expression of feelings is forbidden, and children unconsciously learn to suppress and deny their emotions, using other channels to express resentment and disappointment. Not finding opportunities for natural relaxation, the child eventually begins to consider them the norm, and in the process of growing up they become a kind of cliche, according to which a personality is formed.
Signs and main symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior
Individuals with passive-aggressive personality disorder are irritable or even agitated most of the time. They have a low tolerance for disappointment and mood swings that change in very rapid succession. Such people are impatient with others, and their interest in communication, as it should be, is sharply replaced by antipathy or boredom and complete disregard.
In passive-aggressive disorder, people feel dissatisfied all the time, accuse others of abuse and deceit, believe that they are underestimated, and attribute any failures to circumstances.
Individually, these signs may simply be traits of a person's character and do not indicate a specific deviation, but in the aggregate they often accurately indicate a problem. In particular, passive-aggressive disorder is indicated by the simultaneous presence of symptoms such as:
- constant resentment at everyone;
- opposition to any demands of other people;
- postponing work for later in order to disrupt the deadlines for its implementation;
- slowness and making deliberate mistakes in any activities;
- cynical, sullen or hostile attitude towards everyone;
- frequent complaints of a person that he is betrayed, deceived and underestimated;
- unwillingness to solve their problems;
- complete rejection of criticism and cruel nit-picking in anyone who tries to give advice;
- envy and contempt for all people who are in power or generally more successful.
If they are accompanied by self-doubt, the inability to express their needs and desires directly, as well as the inability of a person to ask the necessary questions to find out what is expected of him, then this is 99% likely to indicate the presence of this disorder.
Classification of passive-aggressive personality types
Since much attention has been paid to this problem in the last two decades, a more or less accurate classification of "negativistic" or "passive-aggressive" personality types has already been drawn up today. For example, the famous American psychologist Theodore Millon identified four separate subtypes of this disorder:
|
Subtype |
Traits |
| wavering | uncertainty and confusion; the inability to name the exact reason for their own capricious behavior; indecision both in interaction with others and as the main subjective feature of the course of all processes in the psyche. |
| dissatisfied | Grunting, petty nit-picking, irascibility over trifles, capriciousness, anger, complaints about anything, irritability, pretense to avoid open confrontation. |
| disguised | Opposition is expressed in a veiled and ambiguous way. Most often, this is feigned slowness, forgetfulness, inefficiency, disregard for charters and rules, stubbornness. The person also becomes very tortuous and tries to use only indirect methods of sabotage in order to avoid direct claims of sabotage. |
| sharp (rough) | Controversy, intransigence, uncompromisingness, capriciousness, grumpiness; the character becomes caustic and irritable; a person takes pleasure in humiliating and insulting others. |
Popular is the detailed classification into categories, which was proposed by the American professor Preston Ni from the University of California. The study of issues of interpersonal effectiveness, professional communication, as well as intercultural understanding and organizational change prompted him to pay attention to this issue. In total, he identifies ten general categories that people with passive-aggressive disorder fit into and, in his opinion, most exhibit at least a few of them on a regular basis.
- General verbal hostility. Examples: spreading gossip; unreasonable criticism of others; non-recognition of generally accepted rules and norms; condescending treatment of adults as children.
What is guided by: humiliation of others helps to feel in a dominant position. Inflicting moral suffering on others and depriving them of emotional balance is done to alleviate one's own lack of peace and security. The main desire is to support one's false sense of importance at the expense of criticizing others and make everyone suffer "for the company". In the family, this is expressed in the form of competition for power over the household and complete control in relationships.
- Ridicule. Examples: sarcasm, hostile jokes towards others, the desire to tease people to the point of pissing them off. A characteristic feature is the need to humiliate a person as much as possible, avoiding an open conflict and showdown, referring to "just kidding."
What is guided by: taking out one's own hidden anger and discomfort on a suitable victim for this purpose. The main desire is to marginalize someone else's human dignity and authority to their own level.
- General disguised hostility. Examples: demonstrating disdain and resentment towards people, sullenness, a desire to inflict emotional pain by reproaching or ignoring.
What is guided by: an attempt to compensate for one's internal insecurity by deliberately creating a negative emotional background in the immediate environment and unbalancing people.
- Psychological manipulation. Examples: duplicity, a pathological tendency to intrigue, the desire to deliberately frame a person at any opportunity (for the sake of pleasure and often without any benefit to oneself), ostentatious sacrifice, twisting the same information in a conversation with different people, divulging or withholding important facts in depending on the situation. A characteristic feature is pretense and a strong desire to protect oneself from disclosure.
What is guided by: redirecting attention away from one's own problems by endlessly interfering in someone else's life with the help of intrigue and deceit. Achieving a false sense of superiority by manipulating others.
- Bullying. Examples: unfounded accusations against someone else with an attempt to find the most vulnerable spot of the victim and cause her maximum mental pain.
What is guided by: the achievement of a false sense of happiness and one's own usefulness against the background of the suffering of others.
- Sabotage and blaming others. Examples: ostentatious slowness, lethargy, forgetfulness, "dullness"; the desire to create a maximum of red tape around yourself and upset as many other people's plans as possible. The need is pathological and compels a person to act even without any personal gain.
What is guided by: creating the illusion of self-importance and authority; the desire to put everyone in a position dependent on oneself in order to block the success of other people. Often feels burning envy towards those who are more successful, which is expressed in unfounded accusations and harsh baseless criticism.
- Automatic countermeasures. Examples: stubborn intractability, rigidity, inefficiency, tendency to complicate things, the habit of leaving any business unfinished, attempts to sabotage the work of others.
What is guided by: compensation for own insolvency. In this case, "victory" is achieved at the expense of the victim's frustration and negative emotions.
- Behind the scenes sabotage. Examples: disruption of the implementation of any tasks, projects and activities; causing material losses or overspending resources; pathological sabotage; destruction of well-established work and personal relationships of people around; deliberate dissemination of harmful information.
What is guided by: obtaining moral satisfaction due to revenge and "punishment" of other people; achieving emotional pleasure from observing the result of their “works”.
- ostentatious sacrifice. Examples: exaggeration of the importance of personal issues; manipulation of one's own health; deliberately inventing imaginary problems in order to bind the victim to himself and enjoy his sympathy and favor; taking on the role of a martyr who sacrificed his well-being for the sake of others (usually with the reproach that this sacrifice was not appreciated).
What is guided by: the desire to use the goodwill and care of the recipient and to cause a strong emotional attachment on his part to perform manipulation.
- self-flagellation. Examples: intentionally creating a situation in which the status of a victim could be achieved; groundless reproaches and reproaches; self-harm and suicide blackmail.
What is guided by: the desire to intimidate or cause suffering to emotionally dependent people, causing harm to oneself. Love to create dramas to focus attention around yourself.
However, according to the professor, the latter sign itself cannot be considered as a separate symptom of the disorder, since it can also be a kind of cry for help, being evidence of other mental illnesses.
Treatment for Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
The complexity of the treatment of disorders of this group lies in the fact that in most cases people are simply unable to get pleasure and moral satisfaction in other ways. The normal system of incentives does not work in this case, so the main program is reduced to psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, during which the patient is taught to isolate "harmful" thoughts and incentives for their conscious replacement with "useful" ones.
According to the results of clinical observations, the following set of automatic attitudes and thoughts is most often typical for passive-aggressive disorders:
- "they don't dare tell me what to do";
- “I will only do what I want”;
- “I will do everything to spite them”;
- “no one feels gratitude for the work I have done”;
- “everyone around is just using me”;
- “I will never be able to achieve real success”;
- "People don't want to understand me";
- “My life is unhappy, and nothing can be done about it”;
- “I still can’t do anything”;
- "being honest and frank is a weakness";
- "others want to limit and suppress my personality."
The therapist finds out exactly what pathological thoughts and stimuli act in a person on an “automatic” level and teaches them to consciously block them. The course of treatment, as a rule, lasts at least one year, and during this time the doctor and the patient go from the stage of understanding the causes and consequences of such behavior to the development of methods of mild confrontation. The best results can be achieved if the immediate environment also participates in the process and gently, but decisively, ceases to indulge the patient's weaknesses, using the replacement templates created by the therapist. In especially advanced cases, it is allowed to eliminate acute symptoms (depression, anxiety, outbursts of anger) with medication, after which traditional therapy is carried out.
Prognosis and possible complications
In general, with adequate treatment, the prognosis is quite good. If a person has been able to open up and understand the causes of the problem, supportive psychotherapy usually brings excellent results. Of course, having been established in early childhood, this personality disorder tends to persist for a very long time. But with the patient's constant volitional efforts to overcome it, it can "burn out" with therapy and be replaced by a positive life experience.
However, there is such a thing as individual tolerance, on which the success of the entire event depends greatly. Even if a positive result seems to be stable, a person may not fully accept new ideas and balance on the edge. The “dominant thought base” is too deeply rooted in his personality, so even the slightest push is enough for such a person to fall back into a state of chaos and dissatisfaction. Often complications arise when there is an imaginary or real lack of stability in life. This applies to any area: social, professional, spiritual, legal, financial, etc. Complications can also arise when the patient weakens control over negative thoughts, and the immediate environment does not pay attention to this and indulges his behavior or, on the contrary, expresses strong opposition . After all, the key component of psychotherapy is precisely the soft opposition to negative ideas.
