Greetings readers. In this article I will tell. It will be about how not to succumb to your feelings, your mood and state of mind, maintain a sober mind and make the right decisions, and not act “on emotions”. The article is quite large, since the topic requires it, this is even, in my opinion, the smallest thing that can be written on this topic, so you can read the article in several approaches. Here you will also find many links to other materials on my blog, and before you start studying them, I advise you to read this page to the end, and then delve into reading other articles on the links, since in this article I still ran through ”(you can open the materials from the links in other tabs of your browser and then start reading).

So, before talking about practice, let me speculate about why it is necessary to control emotions at all and whether it can be done at all. Are our feelings something beyond our control, something we can never handle? Let's try to find out.

Feelings and emotions in culture

Western mass culture is thoroughly saturated with the atmosphere of emotional dictatorship, the power of feelings over human will. In films, we constantly see how the characters, driven by passionate impulses, do some crazy things, and this, sometimes, builds the whole plot. Movie characters quarrel, break down, get angry, yell at each other, sometimes even for no particular reason. Some uncontrollable whim often leads them to their goal, to their dream: whether it is a thirst for revenge, envy or a desire to have power. Of course, the films are not all of this, I'm not going to criticize them at all for this, because it's just an echo of the culture, which is that emotions are often put at the forefront.

This is especially evident in classical literature (and even classical music, not to mention theater): past centuries were much more romantic than our era. The heroes of classical works were distinguished by a great emotional disposition: either they fell in love, then they stopped loving, then they hated, then they wanted to command.

And so, between these emotional extremes, the stage of the hero's life, described in the novels, passed. I won't criticize the great classics for this either, they are wonderful works in terms of artistic value and they simply reflect the culture they were born into.

But, nevertheless, such a view of things, which we see in many works of world culture, is not only a consequence of the social worldview, but also indicates the further path of the movement of culture. Such sublime, obsequious treatment of human emotions in books, music and films forms the belief that our feelings are not controlled, they are something that is beyond our control, they determine our behavior and our character, they are given to us by nature and we are not we can change nothing.

We believe that the whole individuality of a person is reduced to only a set of passions, quirks, vices, complexes, fears and spiritual impulses. We tend to think of ourselves in this way, "I'm short-tempered, I'm greedy, I'm shy, I'm nervous, and there's nothing I can do about it."

We are constantly looking for justification for our actions in our feelings, removing any responsibility from ourselves: “well, I acted on emotions; when I am irritated, I become uncontrollable; Well, that’s the kind of person I am, I can’t do anything about it, it’s in my blood, etc.” We treat our emotional world as an element beyond our control, a seething ocean of passions in which a storm will begin, as soon as a slight breeze blows (after all, this is the case with the heroes of books and films). We easily go on about our feelings, because we are who we are and cannot be otherwise.

Of course, we began to see in this the norm, even, moreover, dignity and virtue! Excessive sensitivity we call and think of it almost as a personal merit of the bearer of such a "spiritual type"! We reduce the whole concept of great artistic skill to the level of depicting the movement of emotions, which is expressed in theatrical poses, pretentious gestures and demonstrations of mental anguish.

We no longer believe that it is possible to gain control over ourselves, make conscious decisions, and not be a puppet of our desires and passions. Is there any basis for such a belief?

I think not. The impossibility of controlling feelings is a common myth generated by our culture and our psychology. It is possible to control emotions, and the experience of many people who have learned to be in harmony with their inner world speaks in favor of this, they managed to make feelings their allies, and not masters.

This article will focus on the management of emotions. But I will talk not only about the control of emotions, such as anger, irritation, but also about the control of states (laziness, boredom) and uncontrollable physical needs (lust, gluttony). Since all of this has a common basis. Therefore, if I further speak of emotions or feelings, by this I immediately mean all irrational human impulses, and not just emotions themselves in the strict sense of the word.

Why do you need to control your emotions?

Of course, feelings can and should be controlled. But why do it? Very simple to become freer and happier. Emotions, if you do not take control over them, take control, which is fraught with all sorts of rash acts that you later regret. They prevent you from acting intelligently and correctly. Also, knowing about your emotional habits, it is easier for other people to control you: to play on your ego if you are conceited, to use your insecurity to impose your will.

Emotions are spontaneous and unpredictable, they can take you by surprise at the most crucial moment and interfere with your intentions. Imagine a faulty car that is still running, but you know that at any moment something can break at high speed and this will lead to an inevitable accident. Will you feel confident driving such a car? Also, uncontrollable feelings can come at any time and cause the most unpleasant consequences. Remember how much trouble you experienced because you could not stop the excitement, calm your anger, overcome shyness and insecurity.

The spontaneous nature of emotions makes it difficult to move towards long-term goals, as sudden impulses of the sensory world constantly introduce deviations into your life course, forcing you to turn one way or the other at the first call of passions. How can you realize your true purpose when you are constantly distracted by emotions?

In such a continuous rotation of sensual flows, it is difficult to find yourself, to realize your deepest desires and needs, which will lead you to happiness and harmony, since these flows are constantly pulling you in different directions, away from the center of your nature!

Strong, uncontrollable emotions are like a drug that paralyzes the will and puts you in its slavery.

The ability to control your emotions and states will make you independent (from your experiences and from the people around you), free and confident, will help you achieve your goals and achieve your goals, since feelings will no longer completely control your mind and determine your behavior.

In fact, it is sometimes very difficult to fully appreciate the negative impact of emotions on our lives, since we are under their power every day and it is quite difficult to look through the veil of piled up desires and passions. Even our most ordinary actions bear an emotional imprint, and you yourself may not suspect it. It can be very difficult to abstract from this state, but, anyway, perhaps I will talk about this later.

What is the difference between managing emotions and suppressing emotions?

Meditate!

Meditation is a very valuable exercise in controlling emotions, in developing will and awareness. Those who have been reading my blog for a long time can skip this, since I have already written about meditation in many articles, and here I will not write anything fundamentally new about it, but if you are new to my materials, then I strongly advise you to pay attention to this .

Of all the things that I have listed, meditation, in my opinion, is the most effective tool for controlling your state, both emotional and physical. Remember the equanimity of yogis and oriental sages who spent many hours in meditation. Well, since we are not yogis, it’s not worth meditating all day, but you need to spend 40 minutes a day on it.

Meditation is not magic, not magic, not religion, it is the same proven exercise for your mind, what physical education is for the body. Only meditation, unfortunately, is not so popular in our culture, which is a pity ...

Managing emotions isn't just about stopping them. It is also necessary to maintain such a state in which strong negative emotions simply do not arise or, if they do, they can be controlled by the mind. This is a state of calmness, a sober mind and peace that meditation gives you.

2 meditation sessions a day, over time, will teach you to manage your feelings much better, not to succumb to passions and not to fall in love with vices. Try it and you will understand what I am talking about. And most importantly, meditation will help you abstract from the constant emotional veil that envelops your mind and prevents you from taking a sober look at yourself and your life. This is the difficulty I mentioned at the beginning. Regular meditation practice will help you achieve this goal.

There is a whole article about that on my website and you can read it at the link. I strongly recommend doing this! This will make it much easier for you to achieve the task of finding harmony and balance with your inner world. Without this, it will be very difficult!

What to do when emotions take over?

Suppose that you are overtaken by violent emotions that are difficult to cope with. What to do in such situations?

1. Realize that you are under the pressure of emotions, so you need to take action and not mess things up.
2. Calm down, relax ( help to relax), remember that your actions now may be irrational because of the feelings that overwhelm you, so postpone making decisions, talking, for another time. Calm down first. Try to soberly analyze the situation. Take responsibility for your feelings. Define this emotion within a generalized class (ego, weakness, desire for pleasure) or more specifically (pride, laziness, shyness, etc.).
3. Depending on the situation, either do the opposite of what the current state makes you do. Or just ignore it, act like it's not there. Or just take proactive measures so as not to do unnecessary stupid things (about this I gave an example about the feeling of falling in love, at the beginning of the article: let it become a pleasant emotion, and not turn into an uncontrollable state that will push you into decisions that you will later regret ).
4. Drive away all thoughts born of this emotion, do not bury your head in them. Even if you have successfully dealt with the initial emotional impulse, that's not all: you will still continue to be overwhelmed by thoughts that return your mind to this experience. Forbid yourself to think about it: every time thoughts of feeling come, drive them away. (for example, you were rude in a traffic jam, you don’t need to spoil your mood due to accidental rudeness, forbid yourself to think about all the injustice of this situation (stop the mental flow “and he’s so and so to me, because he’s wrong ...”), because this is stupid. to music or other thoughts)

Try to analyze your emotions. What caused them? Do you really need these experiences or are they just getting in the way? Is it so smart to get angry over trifles, to envy, to gloat, to be lazy and to be discouraged? Do you really need to constantly prove something to someone, try to be the best everywhere (which is impossible), strive to get as much pleasure as possible, be lazy and grieve? What will your life be like in the absence of these passions?

And how will the lives of people close to you change when they stop being the target of your negative feelings? And what will happen to your life if no one harbors evil motives towards you? Well, the latter is not entirely in your power (but only “not quite”, because I am writing this article, which will be read by many people, so I can do something for this ;-)), but you can still train yourself not to react on the surrounding negativity, let the people who are filled with it keep it to themselves, instead of will not pass it on to you.

Do not postpone this analysis for later. Accustom yourself to think, to talk about your experiences from the standpoint of reason and common sense. Each time, after a strong experience, think about whether you need it, what it gave you and what it took away, whom it harmed, how it made you behave. Realize how much your emotions limit you, how they control you and make you do things that you would never do in your right mind.

This concludes this long article about how to control your emotions. I wish you success in this matter. I hope all the material on my site will help you with this.

This amazing source will give you the greatest energy for a quick breakthrough to success and self-realization when you learn to control it with this method ...

Emotion is reaction systems on their assessment of the importance of the impact for self-realization. If the impact is harmful and hinders the achievement of the goal, then negative emotions arise. And if it is useful and allows or helps to achieve the goal, then positive emotions appear.

They can be called signals, notifying the system about a change in state in the past (memories), present (current situation) or future (imaginary situation). They motivate the system to work to maintain its integrity, development, success, harmony and self-realization.

Emotions, as basic motives, give the initial impulse, the impetus that takes the system out of the state rest(calm). They inspire, motivate, give energy to perform actions and change your state. They help to make decisions, overcome obstacles and act until the goal is achieved.

Depending on the content of the emotion, the system receives a different amount energy, impulse of different strength. As a rule, positive emotions give more energy and last longer than negative ones (joy, happiness, enthusiasm…). And negative emotions can completely deprive of energy, immobilize, paralyze (fear, confusion ...), which can worsen the condition, especially in the presence of danger.

Emotions can become values, which the system will seek to consciously experience (become happier, have fun, admire ...). Then they will begin to influence decisions, goals, actions and relationships. But each system has its own values, and an emotion that is valuable to one system may be completely indifferent to another.

For example, if happiness is a value for a person, then he can do anything in order to experience it. But another person may be indifferent to happiness, and do everything possible to feel, for example, surprise ...

Emotions make it possible to determine right decisions made regarding the values, purpose and talent of the system, which affects its self-realization. Negative emotions signal danger, deterioration and deviation from the path of self-realization. Positive emotions notify about the improvement of the state, the approach or achievement of the goal, the correct movement along the path of self-realization. Therefore, it is important to be aware of your emotions, to process them, to consciously regulate your activities in the event of negative emotions or for the emergence of positive ones.

Much depends on the definition and expression of emotion. quality systems: charisma, authority, persuasiveness, openness… They most of all influence interaction, relationships and team building.

Only by consciously and actively using emotions can one become an influential leader. His value, authority and credibility are highly dependent on the emotions that he evokes in the entire team. Similarly, for a company, the more vivid, positive emotions it evokes among the team and customers, the more valuable it becomes.

Focusing emotions on relations and motivation of partners, you can get more resources from them and achieve more complex goals. Leaders who are sensitive to their own emotions and the emotions of team members create a more effective working and creative environment, which allows them to achieve greater success. Studies have shown that business people who are more emotional and attentive to other people's emotions earn more money.

It has been proven that in many cases, emotions are a greater determinant of thinking, activities and achievements than intellectual ability. Decisions can be made not on the basis of logical reasoning, rationality, justification and evidence, but on the basis of emotions that the expected result of this decision causes.

For example, a person choosing a new car may buy it not for its performance, reliability, safety, price/quality ratio… but for its color, comfortable seat, beautiful lighting in the cabin… that evoke positive emotions in him.

Emotions are closely related to way of thinking and imagination. If in a situation to pay attention to its harmful consequences, then negative emotions will arise, and vice versa. And if you imagine a good situation that leads to an improvement in your condition, then positive emotions will arise, and vice versa. Therefore, a person who manages his intellect, thinking and imagination well, it is easier to control his emotions, arousing some emotions in certain situations and suppressing others.

Emotions are very important to be able to recognize and evaluate teachers (teachers, lecturers, trainers ...) learning other people, especially children, because they are poorly aware of and manage their emotions.

Emotions and reactions of the student allow the teacher to choose the most appropriate, correct style of teaching and the content of the transmitted experience. This significantly affects the level trust between student and teacher. And trust affects the student's commitment to the teacher and faith in the truth of the experience transmitted by him. This is the main factor in whether the student will apply this experience in their activities or not, which is the main goal of the learning process.

Emergence of emotions

Every emotion must source- an external or internal stimulus that influenced the system and changed its state. These sources can be:
- material systems (things, objects, equipment, tools, people, animals, plants ...)
- mental images (thoughts, ideas, memories…)
- conditions, situations, circumstances in the environment
- rules, processes, principles, laws, norms...
- values ​​(freedom, harmony, comfort…)
- own state (facial expressions, body position, movements, voice ...)

The most common emotions arise in the following cases:

When perceived current conditions that have an important impact on the system and shape the experience.

At remembering situations that triggered emotions in the past. You can remember such a situation on your own, on purpose, or when you find yourself in a similar situation. Also, memories can arise when there are elements in the current situation that evoke associations with that situation. Moreover, emotions and internal processes can become similar to those that were experienced in the past situation: heart rate, breathing, pressure ...

When modeling the situation in imagination when you imagine conditions and processes that did not exist in reality, and evaluate their impact on your state.

5. . Because emotions contain information about what happened, what is happening or a possible change in state, then they can be used in decision making. This will allow you to determine the most effective and successful way to achieve your goals. And by managing your own and other people's emotions, you can form a certain behavior that will help you act in the right direction.

Goleman's model includes the following EI abilities:

1. personal (internal):

- self-awareness- the ability to determine and identify one's state, emotions, personal resources, desires and goals;

- self-regulation- the ability to control and manage your emotions, with their help to change your personal state, make decisions and perform actions;

- motivation– emotional tension and concentration, helping to identify important goals and achieve them effectively;

2. social (external):

- empathy- awareness of the emotions and needs of other people, the ability to listen, and not just hear;

- social skills- the art of evoking a certain reaction in others, managing the relationships and emotions of other people, organizing effective interaction ...

This model is hierarchical, assuming that some abilities are based on others. For example, self-awareness is necessary for self-regulation - it is impossible to manage your emotions without being able to identify them. And knowing how to manage emotions, you can easily motivate yourself and quickly move into the right state ...

Development of emotional intelligence

This increases sensitivity to your own and others' emotions, allows you to manage them and motivate yourself to increase personal efficiency and success.

The development of emotional intelligence is based on the following principles:
expand your comfort zone, get into new conditions in which new emotions can arise, for example, visit new places, travel ...;
analyze and be aware of these new emotions as soon as they arise;
repeat situations in which emotions arise in order to better determine their impact on activity, one's reaction when they occur and try to manage them;
consciously stop negative emotions in known situations that cause them;
consciously excite emotions in ordinary situations in which these emotions did not arise;
determine the emotions of others. To do this, you can study how emotions are expressed (for example, study the book by P. Ekman, W. Friesen “Recognize a liar by facial expression”), or simply ask how a person feels when you assume that he has an emotion ...
arouse emotions in other people. For example, with the help of stories, anecdotes, metaphors... It is necessary to determine the correspondence between the impact and the emerging emotion, to consciously repeat this impact so that the same emotion appears in different people.

To effectively develop emotional intelligence, you can apply the following methods:

Education
At any age, in any field, at any time, it is important to continue your learning and self-learning. Moreover, the more expensive it is, the more professional and successful the teachers/coaches/mentors you learn from, the greater the impact this training will have on all areas of life and personal qualities, including EI. At the same time, it is first of all desirable to study the general, humanities (philosophy, psychology, natural science, biology ...) in order to better know the world and one's place in it, including gaining knowledge about emotional processes. And after realizing yourself, your talent and purpose, choose a narrow area of ​​development, your profession, corresponding to your vocation, and become a recognized expert in it.

Reading quality literature
For development in any field, it is extremely important to read books, practical guides, magazines, articles as much as possible... But even more important is to analyze and put into practice the information from them. It is also important to choose high-quality literature - popular, secular, news materials in the vast majority of cases do not affect development in any way, but only take time and clog memory. Books and manuals written by professionals, recognized experts, have a completely different effect: they provide important, verified information, allow you to form personal principles, behavior, goals, expand the paradigm, but most importantly, they motivate you to start acting. Therefore, for the development of EI, it is important to choose high-quality books, for example, Daniel Goleman "Emotional Intelligence".

Keeping a diary
Introspection is one of the main abilities of EI. And the materialization of thoughts during introspection of one's own and other people's emotions makes this process the most effective. In the diary, you can write down any situations that caused emotions, describe your feelings, identify and classify emotions, draw conclusions about how you could react in a similar situation next time. For convenient diary keeping, you can use the service Personal diaries.

Development of qualities
It is possible to improve individual components of EI - qualities described in EI models, such as self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, etc. How to improve them is described in the method Development of personal qualities.

Travels
This is the most effective way to expand your comfort zone. you find yourself in a completely new environment, which you did not even imagine. And this can give the most powerful, vivid, new emotions that have never been heard of before. They can be learned to manage and use in the same, familiar conditions, which will give additional motivation, energy to perform ordinary tasks and achieve new goals. Travel can also lead to a change in the value system, which also changes emotions and their impact on activities. For example, having visited poor countries, you can begin to appreciate familiar things more: food, water, electricity, technology ..., get more pleasure from using them, start using them more rationally, more economically.

Flexibility
When making decisions, you can use not only your experience, your point of view, but also take into account the opinion of those who this decision may affect, seek compromises. This will avoid the emergence of negative emotions and, due to the environmental friendliness of the decision, can cause positive emotions for everyone who participated in its adoption and implementation. The opposite of this approach is called rigidity, when you act only on the basis of your experience. Then there is a high probability that the solution will not be environmentally friendly and will cause unpredictable harm.

Communication
Very often, emotions arise in ordinary communication. Communicating with new acquaintances or with old friends on new topics, you can experience new emotions. Evaluating and managing them during a conversation can significantly change its results. For example, during negotiations, if you flare up, you can lose potential customers or partners. And if the interlocutor evokes strong positive emotions, then you can get much more resources from him than expected, for example, more money from the sponsor.

Creation
Creating something new, unique guarantees positive emotions. And the creation of masterpieces, something that will be of interest, demand, for which others will thank - this is perhaps the main source of the most powerful, positive emotions that a person can experience in his life. The more grandiose creation you create, the more new and strong emotions arise.

Victories, awards, success
New emotions often arise when reaching goals, participating in competitions, training for them, or even ordinary arguments. And the moment of victory and receiving an award always excites strong positive emotions. And the more important the victory, the more difficult it was to achieve, the more resources spent on it and the greater the reward, the stronger emotions arise.

All these methods create emotional experience, which is the foundation for managing emotions. Without this experience, it is impossible to consciously excite or inhibit emotions. It creates a clear picture of what emotions can arise in response to certain changes, how they can affect state and activity, and what can be done to get rid of harmful emotions and arouse beneficial emotions.

The development of emotional intelligence makes it possible motivate and convince others at a deeper, more valuable level than can be done in words and deeds. This significantly improves relationships, which accelerates the achievement of common goals and self-realization.

The ideal development of EI leads to the appearance emotional competence- the ability to recognize and manage any, even unknown emotions in any conditions. It allows you to determine the impact on the activity of new emotions, not experienced before, even if you have never heard of them, and manage them. It also allows you to control emotions of any, even the highest intensity, reduce or increase it to the desired level. It is also a protective barrier that prevents it from "exploding" and causing harm.

To determine the current level of development of your EI, you can use the following tests:
Coefficient of emotional development
Emotional intellect
Emotion recognition
Attitude towards others

Because Since all emotional processes significantly affect the activity of the system, it is important to be able to manage these processes in order to improve one's condition, develop, act effectively, successfully achieve goals and fulfill oneself.

It boils down to the following main processes:
- excitation of useful emotion, i.e. transition from a calm to an active state;
- redemption of harmful emotions, i.e. transition from an active to a calm state;
- change in the intensity of emotion.

These processes also apply to the system itself, i.e. management of personal emotions, and to other systems, i.e. managing other people's emotions.

Effective management of emotions is possible only when realize them, you can consciously determine the moment of their occurrence and correctly identify them. To do this, it is necessary to accumulate emotional experience, repeatedly find yourself in situations that excite a certain emotion. Without this, management can lead to an inadequate change in their intensity (for example, they wanted to extinguish an emotion, but on the contrary it intensified), it can be completely useless or even harmful.

plays an important role in managing emotions imagination. The better it is developed, the more realistic and large-scale images and situations it can create, in which emotions will be most vivid and intense. You can improve your imagination with the help of imagination training.

It also influences the management of emotions memory. The better it is developed and the more emotional experience it has, the more vivid memories you can get from it. You can improve your memory with memory training.

Because emotions are closely related to will, then the stronger it is, the easier it is to control emotions. Therefore, one way to manage emotions is to develop will, perseverance and self-discipline. You can improve them using the Self-Discipline Training method.

When managing emotions, it is important to adhere to the following principles:

If at the moment you are experiencing one emotion and want to excite another, then you must first to repay the current one, going into a calm state, and only after that excite the necessary one.

It is necessary to consciously manage their external expression: facial expressions, movements of the arms, legs, body as a whole, its position, gestures, voice ... For example, in order for joy to arise, it is usually enough just to smile. To extinguish anger, you can freeze, sigh and make a normal, calm expression.

For arousal emotions need stimuli. They can be obtained through the following channels:

- visual: see the source of emotions (for example, a beautiful landscape), imagine it, go to certain conditions, situations, watch a movie, a picture ...;

- auditory: other people's and their own words, thoughts (inner voice), voice volume, speech rate, music, sounds ...;

- kinesthetic: facial expressions, movements and body position, gestures, breathing ...

congruent, the coordinated use of all these channels simultaneously allows you to excite even the strongest emotion most quickly. Moreover, for maximum efficiency, it is recommended to use them in the same sequence: visual (draw a picture in the mind), auditory (add words, music ...) and then kinesthetic (make an appropriate facial expression, take a certain pose ...)

For example, you can simultaneously imagine or remember a situation in which you experienced joy, turn on joyful music, say “I am fun, joyful, cool” and actively dance, then you can experience very strong joy, perhaps even delight.

But if, using all channels, one of them, for example, kinesthetic, will controversial emotion (not congruent), then the general state may not change or even become the opposite of what is desired.

For example, if you want to experience joy, imagine a picture, listen to music, but the body is very lethargic, the facial expression is sad, sad or even angry, then negative emotions may arise, not positive ones.

Thus, in order to arouse a certain emotion, one can recall the situation in which it arose in the past. Remember the details of what surrounded you, what actions you performed, what words and sounds you heard, what you felt in your body, what thoughts you had... If there is no experience of experiencing the necessary emotion or it is forgotten, then the emotion cannot be aroused in this way. Then you can consciously create the conditions in which this emotion can arise, and get the missing emotional experience.

Also, to arouse a certain emotion, you can introduce a visual image (picture) of a situation in which this emotion could arise in reality. In the absence of emotional experience, it is difficult to determine in which imaginary situation which emotion will arise. Then you need to accumulate this experience - move into new conditions, participate in new situations that can give new emotions. Having gained such experience, it will be possible to identify the basic elements of conditions and situations that arouse a certain emotion, and use them in the imagination.

For example, if in many situations when joy arose, a certain person was present or a certain resource was received, then similar elements can be used in an imaginary situation and the emotion will arise again.

For excitation of other people's emotions, you need to make sure that these same channels start working for another person. For example, so that he remembers a situation or presents it. To do this, you can use open-ended questions, stories or metaphors that will create a certain image in the mind of a person or evoke memories.

For example, in order for a person to experience joy, you can ask him: “What was your happiest day in your life?”. Or you can say: “Do you remember when you first found yourself at sea, remember how happy you were then ...”. Or: “And imagine that you are in the most heavenly place on earth, next to you are the people closest to you ... How would you feel then?” Then the person will immediately have images and memories that will cause emotions.

To to repay emotion, you need to go into a calm state using the following methods:
- relax, stop moving, sit or lie down comfortably;
- focus on your breathing, start breathing more slowly and deeply, hold it for a few seconds after inhaling ...;
- change the voice, reduce its volume, speak more slowly or stop speaking altogether for a short period;
- imagine or recall a situation in which you experience maximum safety, comfort, coziness, warmth.

To extinguish other people's emotions, you can be asked to perform these actions (in no case be forced, unless of course it came to an affect with harmful consequences). For example, you can say in a calm voice: "Calm down, take a deep breath, sit down, drink water ...". If a person does not want to calm down, then you can try to switch his attention. For example, again, you can tell a story, a metaphor, ask an open question...

To learn how to change intensity specific emotion, you can apply the following method:

1. Completely realize this emotion, to identify, classify, determine the sensations that it causes in the body, what actions it motivates, determine its sources, remember the situations in which it arose, or be in such a situation in order to vividly experience it. This will require an emotional experience.

2. I use scale from 1 to 100%, imagine what this emotion would be at maximum intensity (by 100%). Imagine what sensations would be in the body, what actions you would like to perform, how intensely to act ...

3. Determine current level that emotion is currently on the scale.

4. Moving small steps(by 5-10%) up this scale, change the intensity of that emotion in the body. To do this, you can simply imagine how the value on the scale increases and its intensity increases. Or you can imagine/remember situations in which this emotion was more intense. It is important that the changes are felt in the body, the activity changes. If there are difficulties in the transition to a higher intensity, then you can reduce the step, for example, increase the intensity by 2-3%.

5. Having reached maximum intensity, you need to start reducing the intensity to 0 using a step of 5-10%. To do this, you can also imagine moving down the scale or imagine/remember situations with less intensity of this emotion.

6. Then you need to reach 100% again, then again to 0% ... And continue this process until you get fast change the intensity of the emotion with its actual expression in the body.

7. To consolidate the skill, you can go to certain intensity, for example, by 27%, by 64%, by 81%, by 42%... The main thing is to have a clear feeling of emotion in the body.

For mood management it is enough to know their causes and take measures to eliminate them (to get rid of a bad mood) or create them (to make the mood good). These reasons usually include:

- internal processes and state: sickly or healthy, alert or drowsy ...

For example, having a bad mood, you can find out that you are sick. Then, to cheer up, it will be enough to take medicine, go to the doctor ... and be cured.

- environment: comfort or disorder, noise or silence, clean air or unpleasant smells, pleasant or annoying people...

For example, if the workplace is a mess, discomfort, then there may be a bad mood. Then you can clean up, bring beauty and cleanliness.

- relations: the mood of other people is transmitted to the person.

For example, if you met a friend and had a pleasant conversation with him, then the mood improves. And if you met a person with an evil expression on his face, who also got nasty from scratch, then the mood may worsen. Then you can just stop contact with such a person and chat with someone who is pleasant.

- thoughts and images: By remembering or imagining situations, they evoke corresponding emotions. Therefore, to improve mood, you can imagine or recall an incident that caused positive emotions.

For example, remember a funny incident or a happy moment in your life. Or imagine a trip in a beautiful car that you have long dreamed of. Or, for example, an athlete, thinking before the competition about possible injuries, defeat, etc., will have a bad mood. Then you can think about winning, rewarding, etc., so that your mood improves.

- desires and goals: reaching an important goal, the mood can be good, and if there are unresolved problems, then it can worsen.

For example, to cheer you up, you can set yourself a goal that you really want to achieve. Or you can solve a long-standing problem that caused discomfort or prevented you from moving towards your desired goal.

Another significant advantage of managing emotions is success in all areas of life. Indeed, in this case, there is no harm at all with strong emotional "outbursts" and there is always energy to achieve any goal.

In any case, even if emotions are not used for development and self-realization, they are still necessary for ordinary life in order to be in a good mood, tone, be happy, experience joy even from small things and share your emotions with loved ones.

Develop your emotions and manage them, then your success, your happiness and your self-realization will be inevitable.

We not only experience emotions, but we can control them. So, even John Milton wrote that emotions can be "ruled", and Oscar Wilde's hero Dorian Gray wanted to "use them, enjoy them and dominate them." True, Vincent van Gogh spoke of "submission" to emotions as the captains of our lives. Which of them is right?

What is "emotion regulation"?

When we lack the genuine experience of emotions—the heavy burden of sadness, maddening anger, soothing serenity, all-consuming gratitude—we spend a lot of resources creating emotional storylines.

We choose a favorite (for example, joy) and use every opportunity to experience this emotion. And at all costs we avoid unpleasant emotions (for example, fear). As soon as "enemies" appear on the doorstep, we try to keep them out, resist them, deny them, try to negotiate with them, redirect and modify them. Eventually they disappear.

When an emotion is “on the way”, you can change the reaction: for example, smile, feeling fear

The processes by which we influence emotions can be automatic (closing our eyes when watching a scary movie) or conscious (force ourselves to smile when we are nervous). All methods of managing emotions have common features. First of all, the presence of a goal (we watch a comedy to cope with sadness), as well as the desire to influence the dynamics and trajectory of emotions (we reduce the intensity of anxiety by distracting ourselves with some activity).

Sometimes it seems to us that emotions appear suddenly, but in fact they develop over time, and with the help of different strategies we can interfere with emotional processes at different stages of their development. For example, before an emotional response is activated, we can deliberately avoid unpleasant situations, modify them, not take them seriously, and downplay them. When the emotion is already "on the way", you can change the behavioral or physiological response (for example, smile, experiencing fear).

Emotion regulation strategies

Most often, we use one of the two most popular strategies: overestimation and suppression. They affect emotional balance in different ways.

Revaluation – cognitive strategy. It has to do with how we perceive the situation. You can consider it scary and hopeless, or you can perceive it as a difficult but rewarding experience. This is a positive type of emotional regulation, which allows you to transform the entire emotion, and not just part of it. Overestimation is associated with low levels of anxiety and high levels of emotional balance.

Suppression - experience of emotion with the suppression of its manifestation in behavior. We are tired, we feel bad, but we show everyone that everything is in order with us. This is a negative type of emotional regulation. Such a strategy creates an asymmetry between what we feel and what other people see, and can lead to negative social processes.

Studies have shown that people who use the reappraisal strategy are able to “reframe” stressful situations. They reinterpret the meaning of negative emotional stimuli. Such people deal with difficult situations in a proactive manner and experience more positive emotions as a reward for their efforts, as well as gaining psychological resilience, better social connections, higher self-esteem, and overall life satisfaction.

Suppression, in contrast, only affects the behavioral expression of emotion, but has little to no effect on how we feel. It is cognitively and socially costly and unnatural to control and suppress emotions for a long time. According to research, people who practice suppression are less able to cope with bad moods and only mask real feelings. They experience fewer positive emotions and more negative ones, are less satisfied with life and suffer from low self-esteem.

Emotional acceptance - awareness of emotion without any action in relation to it

Effective emotion regulation skills are not easy to train - it is not enough to learn a couple of tricks and use them to change circumstances. The choice of strategy depends on various factors, including cultural ones. Attitudes regarding emotions also have a huge influence. Do you think you can control your emotions? If yes, then you are more likely to use strategies based on overestimation than the person who answers “no”.

However, in addition to overestimation and suppression, there is a third strategy for regulating emotions.

Emotional acceptance - awareness of emotion without any action in relation to it. We may admit that we are feeling an emotion, but we may not want to get rid of it. Paradoxically, acceptance leads to a decrease in negative emotions and an increase in psychological resilience.

It turns out that it is the lack of emotional regulation that regulates emotions best. Accepting our negative emotions in a state of stress, we feel better than someone who does not accept these emotions. On the one hand, we are aware of our emotional and psychological state, on the other hand, we practice non-reactivity and acceptance. Perhaps this is exactly what we need in order to gain true wisdom - "the harmony of reason and passions."

about the author

Marianna Pogosyan– linguist, psychologist, advises top managers of international companies and their families on issues related to adaptation to life away from home.

Emotion management skills allow us to deal effectively with our emotional reactions. Although we cannot always control our feelings, we can control what we do in response to those feelings. The first step to becoming better in control of your emotions starts with learning to recognize emotions and how they affect your life.

Without the ability to notice the emotional reaction, recognize it and give it its due, we will not perceive ourselves as a source of action in our environment. This can lead to other people influencing your emotions without your consent. Thus, one can become like a person who found himself in a raging ocean with only one oar in his hands, and experience a feeling of powerlessness.

How can we overcome this illogical belief that other people have the power to evoke an emotional response in us? It all starts with learning to manage emotions. Below are excellent methods for managing emotions. These methods have been reviewed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, Director of the Behavior Research and Treatment Clinic, author of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Starting with the seventh method, all other methods were taken and processed from the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Manual (McKay, Wood, & Brantley, 2007).

1. Identification and designation of emotional reaction

The first step to managing emotions is learning to recognize and label current emotions. The complexity inherent in emotional processes makes this step deceptively difficult. The process of identifying emotions requires you to be able to notice/observe your reactions as much as to be able to describe emotional manifestations.

Try to focus on observation and description:

1) the event that gave rise to the emotion;
2) the meaning attached to this event;
3) sensations from this emotion - bodily sensations, etc.;
4) the behavior expressed in movements that arose due to this emotion;
5) the impact of this emotion on your personal functional status.

2. Identifying barriers to changing emotions

It can be very difficult to change our deeply rooted emotional reactions, as we have become accustomed to responding to certain events in certain predictable ways over time. It can be especially difficult to change emotional reactions that do not benefit us, but for which there are always arguments to justify (for example, “I know that I should not take tranquilizers, but when I take them, I feel better”).

Emotions usually have two functions: to alert others and to justify one's own behavior. We often use emotional responses to try (even unconsciously) to influence or control other people's behavior, and also to explain our perception/interpretation of certain events. To manage emotions, it is extremely important to be able to recognize the function of a particular emotional reaction and understand why you express these emotions in this way.

3. Decreased sensitivity to the level of "emotional intelligence"

If we are under stress from physical activity or stress under the influence of external factors, therefore, on such days we are more vulnerable to emotional reactivity. The key to regulating emotions is maintaining a healthy balance in various areas of daily activities. Thus, we prevent our physical, mental and emotional overstrain.

To reduce emotional sensitivity, you need to develop the habit of eating a balanced diet, getting enough sleep, exercising appropriately for you, abstaining from psychotropic substances unless they have been prescribed for you by a doctor, and increasing the self-confidence that comes in action when you see your performance. and begin to realize your competence.

4. Increasing the number of events that bring positive emotions

Dialectical behavior therapy is based on the assumption that people "feel bad for good reasons." The perception of events that cause strong emotions can be changed, but the emotions still remain. An important way to manage emotions is to exercise control over the events that trigger those emotions.

What can be done right away is to increase the number of positive events in your life. The long term is a fundamental lifestyle change that will increase the frequency of positive events. In this case, it is important to remember that you need to pay attention to the positive events taking place in your life.

5. Increased psychological involvement in currently available emotions

Dr. Linehan (1993) explains that "by showing one's pain and anguish, but not attributing this display to negative emotions, one ceases to induce secondary negative emotions." When we actively reason that this or that emotion is “bad”, as a result we fall into a “bad” emotional state and feel guilt, sadness, sadness, or anger. By adding these harmful feelings to an already negative situation, we only amplify the harm and make and complicate the situation that the negative event caused.

By learning to understand your emotional state (for example, without trying to change or block your emotions), you will be able to endure a stressful situation without adding fuel to the fire (i.e., without increasing the number of negative emotions). This does not mean that you should not perceive the event as one that hurts and treat it accordingly, it just means that you should remember not to let the emotions you express interfere with your ability to respond to the world around you properly. .

Consider how you can apply these emotion management techniques to your daily life. The process of learning to manage emotions takes practice. This new skill must be recognized, it must be learned to apply and practice all the time. Whenever you encounter a situation that you know will be a source of intense emotion, try to take it as an opportunity to practice these emotion management techniques. Have you noticed that when you pay more attention to your emotions and are aware of them, your feelings change?

6. Using the opposite action

An important method of dialectical behavior therapy for modifying or managing strong emotions is to change the "behavioural-expressive component through actions that are contrary to the emotions" (Linehan, 1993, p. 151). The use of the opposite action does not imply inhibition of the expression of an emotion, but rather simply the expression of another emotion.

An example would be the subjective feeling of being overwhelmed when a person does not want to get up in bed and interact with other people, and the opposing decision to get up and walk around the neighborhood, which does not prohibit the existence of the first feeling, but is opposed to it. Most likely, it is impossible to immediately get rid of the state of depression, but this state can be countered by positive changes in your feelings.

7. Applying Suffering Techniques

When you feel anger, sadness, or anxiety, you feel the need to urgently do something to stop or dull those unbearable negative emotions. In fact, states with strong negative emotions can be tolerated. Taking impulsive actions, from overwhelming negative emotions, you only worsen the situation.

8. Decreasing physical sensitivity as a way to deal with emotions

This method is similar to the method of desensitization to the level of "emotional intelligence". In order to deal with unwanted emotions, as well as identifying and understanding how thoughts and behaviors affect your emotions, it is important to recognize the physical condition that makes you more or less susceptible to these emotions.

You can determine the extent to which your physical condition affects your emotions by asking yourself the following questions:

1. How does my diet affect my well-being?
2. How does overeating or undereating immediately affect me, and what are the long-term consequences of these actions?
3. How does alcohol and pills affect me immediately, and what are the long-term consequences of taking them?
4. How does my sleep (or lack thereof) affect my well-being?

9. Revealing emotions

The main goal of dialectical behavior therapy is to learn to see your emotions, not avoid them. When we are aware of our emotional state, we have a choice of how we react to the situation and how we will feel. Emotion detection begins with keeping a record of the events that affected your emotions and extracting specific emotions for later management or elimination of those emotions. By writing down the events that influenced your emotional state, you will learn to identify your typical reaction to certain emotions.

If you know that, for example, you need to make a great effort to extinguish a fit of anger, you must learn (slowly at first) to observe this negative emotion, how the body reacts to it and the impulses that arise, and try to avoid judgment, that may arise in connection with this emotion. This process of gradually revealing emotions must be accompanied by an attentive attitude to everything that you experience.

10. Mindfulness of your emotions without making judgments

If you are attentive to your emotions, but do not judge them, then you reduce the likelihood of their increase in intensity. This mindful recognition especially helps you deal with unwanted emotions. Concentrate on your breathing, observe the emotions that you are experiencing at the moment.

Try to look at your emotional state through the eyes of an outside observer. Just notice everything that happens - do not divide what is happening into “bad” or “good”. Getting your emotions under control can be very difficult. Pay attention to all your thoughts and judgments about the emotions you are experiencing (or even your intentions stemming from the emotions) and let them run their course. What will you get in the end if you do all this?

Try to find ways to apply these emotion management techniques in your daily life. How you work to become more aware of your ability to consciously observe your emotions and how you express those emotions.

• Psychology: personality and business