The best jokes about Stirlitz

Jokes about Stirlitz, best jokes about Stirlitz, short jokes about Stirlitz, funny jokes about Stirlitz, new jokes about Stirlitz, funny jokes about Stirlitz

By the end of the war, the situation in Germany was so deplorable that even in the Reich Chancellery one had to stand in line in order to buy sausages. However, Stirlitz, contrary to all norms of behavior, always took out of turn. The Gestapo were very indignant at this. They did not yet know that the Heroes of the Soviet Union were served out of turn.

A car drove up to Stirlitz's dacha. Müller came out of it, accompanied by a platoon of Gestapo men. He knocked on the door.

"Who do you want?" they asked from behind the door.

"I need Stirlitz," Muller said.

"But I'm not at home," Stirlitz answered from behind the door.

Muller swore, got into the car and drove away. So Stirlitz led the Gestapo by the nose for the third week already.

Stirlitz did not show up for work for a week. The Gestapo sent to look for him found him in the country, drunk to the point of insensibility and lying on the floor among bottles of vodka. Lying nearby was an encryption: "The task was completed successfully, you can relax."

Hitler's call to Stalin: "Stalin, did your people take secret documents from my safe?" - "I'll find out."

Stalin's call to Stirlitz: "Stirlitz, did you take secret documents from Hitler from the safe?" - "That's right, Comrade Stalin."

- "So put it in place, people are worried."

Muller calls Stirlitz and says: "Tomorrow is a communist subbotnik, attendance is obligatory."

Stirlitz answers "Yes" and, realizing that he has failed, sits down at the table and, not noticing Muller's surprised look, writes: "I, Standartenführer von Stirlitz, am actually a Soviet intelligence officer."

Muller, after reading this report, calls Schellenberg and says: "Walter, come in, see what your people come up with so as not to go to the subbotnik."

Stirlitz was informed that his son was born in Russia. A stingy male tear rolled out of his eye. Stirlitz has not been in his homeland for seven years.

Stirlitz was walking through Berlin and saw the inscription "Stirlitz is a fool" on the wall. Only he alone understood that he had been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.

Stirlitz received the encryption. After reading it, he burned it, after which he spat on the floor and blew his nose into the curtain. It was written in the encryption: "The task is completed, you can relax a bit."

"Documents on the table!" Stirlitz shouted and punched Muller in the ear. "By the way, Muller, do you have paper clips?" Voice-over: Stirlitz knew that the last phrase is best remembered, and if Muller is asked why Stirlitz came, he will answer: "For paper clips."

Pleischner was thrown out of the window for the fifth time. The poison didn't work

Müller knew that the Russians, after stirring the sugar, leave the spoon in the glass. Trying to expose Stirlitz, Muller watched him in a cafe. Stirlitz took a glass of tea, stirred the sugar, took out a spoon, put it on a saucer and showed Muller his tongue.

Stirlitz walked through Berlin. Muller recognized him as a Soviet intelligence officer, but not by the PPSh casually thrown over his shoulder, and not by the parachute dragging behind him, but by the brand of the Bolshevik factory, which they forgot to rip off from the inside pocket of the jacket due to truly Russian carelessness.

Müller was walking through the woods and heard a knock. "Woodpecker," Muller thought. "You yourself are a woodpecker," - thought Stirlitz, turning off the radio.

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"Stirlitz, if you do not pay for electricity, we will turn off your radio."

Mueller walked down the street. Suddenly a brick fell on his head. "Those times," Muller thought. "Here are those two," - thought Stirlitz, throwing the second brick.

Muller walked through the forest and saw two eyes in a hollow. "Owl," Muller thought. "You yourself are an owl," - thought Stirlitz.

Stirlitz was walking through the woods and saw people with sticks. "Skiers," - thought Stirlitz. "Stirlitz," the fishermen thought.

Stirlitz entered the cafe "Elefant". "This is Stirlitz, now there will be a fight," one of the visitors said. Stirlitz drank a cup of coffee and left. "No, - the second visitor objected, - this is not Stirlitz." "No, Stirlitz!" shouted the first. And then the fight began.

Stirlitz kicked the door open and tiptoed up to Muller, who was reading a newspaper.

The door of Bormann's office swung open and the stranger who appeared on the threshold said distinctly, looking Bormann straight in the eyes:

The elephants are heading north.

Elephants go to hell! - flared up Bormann. - And Stirlitz's office is a floor above.

"What is two times two?" Mueller asked.

Stirlitz thought. Of course, he knew how much twice two would be, he was recently informed about this from the center, but he did not know if Muller knew this. And if he knows, then who told him. Maybe Kaltebruner? Then negotiations with Dulles reached an impasse.

Waking up, Stirlitz remembered that yesterday at Muller's reception, he said too much. Deciding to find out everything at once, he entered the office and asked:

Muller, did you guess that I am a Russian agent?

No, Mueller admitted.

Well, thank God, - said Stirlitz and went home with peace of mind.

Stirlitz's car broke down. He got out and began to dig into the engine.

"Stirlitz, you are a Russian spy," Muller, who was passing by, said. - "A German would give his car to a car service."

Stirlitz, you are a Jew! - What are you, Muller, I'm Russian.

Stirlitz went into the office and saw Muller in Budyonovka, sitting on the table and playing the balalaika.

"Yes, Stirlitz," Muller said melancholy, "you are not alone in your homesickness."

Stirlitz walked around the Reich Chancellery with his fly unbuttoned, from which red shorts protruded. And no one guessed that this is how he celebrates the First of May.

What color are my panties? Mueller asked.

Red, - without hesitation, Stirlitz answered.

Here you are! - Muller exclaimed, - Only a Russian pianist knows the color of my underpants besides me!

Don't play the fool, Muller, - Stirlitz calmly replied, - and fasten your fly.

On February 23, Stirlitz put on his old, beloved Budyonovka, picked up a red flag and, singing revolutionary songs, went to the Reich Chancellery. On this day, he was closer than ever to failure.

Stirlitz woke up in a prison cell.

He did not remember at all how he got here, what date it is today and what power is in the city. After much thought, he finally decided that if a Gestapo man entered, he would have to say: "Heil Hitler, I am SS Standartenführer von Stirlitz," and if a Soviet soldier entered, introduce himself: "I am Colonel Isaev."

At this moment, a policeman enters and says: "Well, you got drunk yesterday, comrade Tikhonov."

Stirlitz came out of the tavern, fell into a puddle and fell asleep. He knew he would wake up in half an hour. It was a habit developed over the years.

Switzerland, Bern. Stirlitz and pastor Schlag are sitting in a restaurant. The pastor, noticing that Stirlitz eats with his hands, makes a remark: "Mr. Stirlitz, the sausage must be taken with a fork." Voice-over: "Stirlitz, of course, knew that the sausage should be taken with a fork, but he so wanted to be himself for at least a moment."

A selection of jokes about Stirlitz. Anecdotes about Stirlitz are a special direction of humor based on a play on words and are fully understandable only to a Russian person. No foreigner will ever fully understand all the subtlety and depth of the logic of the plot of jokes about the legendary intelligence officer.

1. - Stirlitz, why don't you have a snack? Muller asks suspiciously. - Are you Russian?

We Germans are economical people, - Stirlitz got out.

2. Stirlitz walked down the street. Suddenly he sees - two people are robbing a passerby. Stirlitz rushed to the rescue ... The proceeds had to be divided into three.

3. Stirlitz came to a meeting with a liaison at a familiar bar and ordered 100 grams of vodka.
“We ran out of vodka two days ago,” the bartender apologized.
- Well, then 100 grams of cognac.
“We ran out of cognac yesterday,” the bartender said sadly.
- Well, do you have beer? - asked Stirlitz.
- Alas, ended this morning - said the bartender.
"So the messenger is already here," thought Stirlitz...

***
4. At the beginning of the year, the teacher meets the students. He asks one of them:
- What is your last name?
- Stirlitz.
- Are you laughing at me? Run for your parents!
Father comes. The teacher complains
- What is it? I ask the name of your son, and he answers: "Stirlitz"!
Father embarrassed:
- He hesitates. Bormans we...

5. Stirlitz woke up in a prison cell. He did not remember at all how he got here, what date it is today and what power is in the city. After much thought, he finally decided that if a Gestapo man entered, he would have to say: "Heil Hitler, I am SS Standartenführer von Stirlitz," and if a Soviet soldier entered, introduce himself: "I am Colonel Isaev." At this moment, a policeman enters and says:
- Well, you got drunk yesterday, comrade Tikhonov.

***

6. - Stirlitz, - Muller said wearily, - you got away when we found your fingers on the Russian pianist's suitcase. You got away when we found them on the phone of the government
connections. But now you can't get away! Why does your ID smell like Russian vodka?!
- You know, Müller, - Stirlitz answered no less wearily, - when Schellenberg put a seal on my certificate, he first breathed on it.

***
7. Hitler receives Mussolini in his office. Suddenly the door swings open, Stirlitz enters, paying no attention to anyone, goes to the safe, opens it with his key and starts rummaging through it, throwing unnecessary documents on the floor.
- Who is this? - Duce asks in surprise.
- Russian intelligence officer Isaev, - the Fuhrer answers in an indifferent tone, - We have Stirlitz listed.
"So why don't you arrest him?"
- Oh, it will still turn around.

8. On February 23, Stirlitz put on his old, beloved Budyonovka, picked up a red flag and, singing revolutionary songs, went to the Reich Chancellery. On this day, he was closer than ever to failure.

9. A car drove up to Stirlitz's dacha. Müller came out of it, accompanied by a platoon of Gestapo men. He knocked on the door.

Who do you need? - asked from behind the door.

I need Stirlitz, Muller said.
- And I'm not at home, - Stirlitz answered from behind the door. Muller swore, got into the car and drove away. So Stirlitz led the Gestapo by the nose for the third week already.

***
10. ... Muller looked out the window. Stirlitz was walking along the street, leading a tiny, green with orange stripes, six-legged dog on a leash.
"Strange," Muller thought, "I don't know this joke yet..."

The popularity of Stirlitz can only be compared with the fame of James Bond. This one has been celebrated in many literary works, songs and films. Naturally, there were some jokes about Stirlitz. Despite all respect for the spy, jokes are quite common.

Jokes and jokes dedicated to Stirlitz

Many jokes about Stirlitz are dedicated to his quirky mind and ingenuity.

Stirlitz dies, and according to the classics of the genre, he ends up at the gates to Paradise. Peter is there with the key, he does not want to let the spy through due to many sins. The scout begins to argue and prove his case. Michael arrives at the noise and wonders what's the matter. Peter tells. The archangel sighs wearily and says:

- Yes, you skip it. Try to prove something here.

Autumn, cool air. Stirlitz is walking along the road near Berlin. Suddenly, something drips into his ear. The scout raises his head and sees high in the sky a wedge of cranes flying in an east-west direction. Among the flock you can see a silhouette with a hang glider. Stirlitz immediately realized that this was a Moscow check.

Stirlitz at home, resting after a well-deserved day of work. There is a respectful knock on the door. The spy immediately guessed that it was Bezrukov.

Humor addressed to Stirlitz and Muller

A significant part of spy humor is dedicated not only to the main character. There are really hilarious jokes about Stirlitz and Muller.

Stirlitz and Muller are drinking in a bar. Muller says:

— I know that you are a resident of Russia. We blew the war ... But tell me, do you really think that you will become famous in your homeland? Yes, you are waiting for the execution or exile!

— I fundamentally disagree with you. The house of the scout expects recognition and veneration.

- Well, you give! Maybe you can also say that the former spy will be able to rule Russia, and a woman chancellor will appear in Germany. You drank too much!

Stirlitz said nothing and hid a sly smile.

Once Muller, entering his office, found Stirlitz rummaging through classified documents near his desk.

- What are you doing here? Mueller is surprised.

Yes, I'm waiting for the bus.

“Buses can't run here,” he grins back.

- Naturally, they can not walk, they are without legs, - Stirlitz answers.

Muller left the office for a smoke break to put everything in order in his head. He returns, and Stirlitz is already gone. “Well, he left,” he thinks.

Muller comes to Stirlitz:

- You are detained, come with me.

What are they accusing me of? - Stirlitz is interested.

— Isn't it all the same? You, as always, will turn away, but we need to carry out the plan, create the appearance of active work ...

Stirlitz gave a bawdy anecdote and drove Muller into the paint. You look so vulnerable, he thought as he closed the can of dye.

Stirlitz sits in his chair and deciphers a letter from Russia. Suddenly, Muller runs into the room, rips a piece of page out of the hands of the spy, and runs out at the same speed.

"Huh, it's gone," the scout decided.

“You would have been carried away the same way,” the Gruppenfuehrer thinks.

Funny jokes about Stirlitz

Some short jokes about Stirlitz won the hearts of many people.

Walking around the city, Stirlitz saw a movie poster on which it was written in large print: "Alien vs Predator." His next thought was: "What are these election campaigns got to."

A very interesting fact about the famous film about Stirlitz. All the fascists had the following entry in the dossier: "There are no connections compromising his reputation." Stirlitz, in the same document, noted the following: “No connections that compromised his reputation were noticed.” Coincidence?

Stirlitz could not be woken up by a tank, he was dozing like a dead man. Once, he was even circled in chalk.

- Wow, what a cute squirrel! Stirlitz held out his hands admiringly.

“Clearly out of place,” the skunk giggled nastily.

During the next pursuit, Stirlitz had to shoot blindly. The unfortunate blind woman screamed loudly and cried.

After a great booze on Friday evening, Stirlitz wakes up early in the morning and thinks:

What a great drink yesterday. It seems like he drank so much, but his head does not hurt at all. And two weekends are still waiting.

Poor fellow! He didn't even know it was Tuesday morning.

The wife reproaches her beloved:

- Do you remember how in the film Stirlitz did not see his wife for 16 years? In all this time, he never cheated on her!

So she thought so...

He couldn't lie to her!

- Come on! He lied to the whole empire, but he couldn’t lie to his wife?!

Reference to radio operator Kat

Some jokes about Stirlitz mention one of the few female spies - radio operator Kat. This brave woman truly deserves fame.

Stirlitz and Kat stopped under the windows of her entrance. Kat suggests:

- Do you mind meeting on Saturday at the hospital?

Stirlitz looked up and saw the included light pouring from the window. He realized that the freak and the truth is now at home.

Stirlitz advanced along the enemy corridor with weapons at the ready. There was a noise behind one of the doors, and the spy emptied the entire clip through it. Opening the door, he saw the radio operator Kat on the floor with many bullet holes in her chest.

- I will take revenge! the scout decided.

Kat strangled Stirlitz with a fluffy fur collar.

— Scribe! the spy concluded.

Stirlitz went into the radio operator's office and with a sigh laid his head on her knees. Kat squealed in disgust, not liking Holtoff's head.

Jokes about Stirlitz are dedicated not only to his quick wits and mind. Many jokes do not carry a special mental burden, allowing readers to just relax and have fun from the heart.

The brilliant Soviet intelligence officer Stirlitz left a significant mark on Soviet history. And even after many years, people remember his exploits, continuing to watch films and TV shows with the participation of this hero. In the humorous genre, Stirlitz left a lot of short anecdotes in which the scout again and again demonstrates his ingenuity and resourcefulness.

Stirlitz jokes performed in a special way, which cannot be confused with anything. And if we are dealing with jokes about Stirlitz and Muller, it is simply impossible not to laugh at how constantly this eccentric German officer is left with his nose.

Jokes about Stirlitz

Jokes about Stirlitz- these are most often short stories in which the thoughts of the protagonist in relation to a particular situation are given. Any funny jokes in which the main character Stirlitz show his unsurpassed resourcefulness over the soldiers and officers of the opponent. In jokes about Stirlitz and Muller, it is the latter who constantly suffers. And the resilient Soviet intelligence officer, singing cheerful melodies, moves on.

Stirlitz, Muller anecdote

What do I like anecdote Stirlitz, Muller? First of all, brevity, sophistication and, of course, the presence of first-class humor. I especially like the story about the brick, when Muller is walking through the city at night and a brick falls on his head: “Those are the times,” Muller thinks. “Here are those two,” Stirlitz thinks and throws the second brick.

There are many such jokes, and for some reason it is precisely such funny stories that are considered the best jokes about Stirlitz and are most liked by readers of Internet resources and humorous publications.

Stirlitz short jokes

Brevity is the soul of wit. Clear confirmation of this is Stirlitz short jokes. There is no need to develop some long story with many actors in which you can get confused. The main character in Stirlitz's jokes is always alone, and he is accompanied by either his comrades in arms or rivals.

Similar brevity can be noted in jokes about the Russian Chukchi, where only one main character also acts as the main character. Most often, an additional character in Stirlitz's short jokes is either the Soviet radio operator Kat, or Muller, who has already fallen in love with the reader. Sometimes all three characters appear in the same joke.

Stirlitz new jokes

Where can you find extraordinarily funny and new Stirlitz jokes? To do this, you can use the services of our site, which will help you find the style of humor that interests you. The site has a huge variety of extraordinary jokes, including demotivators about love with meaning, caricatures about work and real funny stories from life.

Funny jokes about Stirlitz are also located quite enough. Therefore, if you want to have fun, enjoying the adventures of the legendary intelligence officer in Stirlitz's short anecdotes, feel free to register on our wonderful site.

Stirlitz went to bed, mastered himself and soon fell asleep.

Stirlitz walked through the forest: blue spruces. Stirlitz took out a pistol: the blue ones ran away.

Explosive, Stirlitz thought, spreading his brains.

Stirlitz looked for a long time, first at one point, then at another ... "Colon," thought Stirlitz

Stirlitz came out of the sea and lay down on the pebbles. Light was offended and left.

Stirlitz ran into the Suk, and spent the night with them.

A caterpillar fell by the collar of Stirlitz.
A tank exploded somewhere, Stirlitz thought.

Stirlitz stoked the stove all night. By morning, the stove was gone.

Stirlitz left the bar, suddenly he felt a strong blow to the back of his head, turned around - it was asphalt ...

Stirlitz bent over the world map: he was irresistibly vomited to his homeland.

A letter from the center did not reach Stirlitz. He read again; still didn't get it.

Shtirlitsa was wounded in the head, by the whistle of the wind, he determined that the wound was through!

Stirlitz prepared for battle, and the girl came ...

Stirlitz fired a whoop .... The emphasis fell

Stirlitz got out of the car and thought. He liked it, and he decided to think again.

Stirlitz put the plug into the outlet, but he was tactfully hinted that they were eating from the outlet with a spoon.

I was driving on the highway at a speed of 160 km / h. Nearby, admiring the surroundings, ran Stirlitz. He made it clear with all his appearance that he just went out to get some fresh air.

“A fool is not a fool, but it’s already in his head,” said the bullet.

On the last Saturday in March, Stirlitz did not go to bed to switch the arrows. On the last Sunday in March, Germany dismantled the wreckage of trains.

"And yet he cracked ..." - thought Stirlitz, lifting the skull of Professor Pleishner from the sidewalk.

He walks along Stirlitz Street. Looks - there is a puddle ahead.
“Fuck,” he thought. It turned out to be on the neck ...

Stirlitz fired blindly. But the blind woman hid behind a tree and began shelling.

Stirlitz hid shares in his shorts. They didn't get up.

Kate went to a bar for a frothy beer. Then she did not yet know that Stirlitz knew this singer well.

Stirlitz was a pervert. Therefore, a monument was erected to him in Vraschentsy

Stirlitz pulled his T-shirt back to front… The T-shirt groaned and gritted his teeth.

Stirlitz came out of the bar cheerfully tapping his cufflinks on the pavement.

Stirlitz left the tavern and fell face down in the mud. He'll wake up in exactly twenty minutes...

Stirlitz often handed over his head for development, because he had a photographic memory!

Stirlitz was excited to the extreme. All attempts to excite the extreme have failed.

Stirlitz summed up. Kiselyov stopped giving him a hand.

Usually Professor Pleischner grasped everything on the fly. But this time there was nothing to grab onto.

In the car, Stirlitz carefully squeezed out the glass. Then squeezed out again - and again
a little glass.

Stirlitz missed two glasses of wine. He only made it to the third

Stirlitz sat back to front. Soon before fell ill.

Stirlitz came home and immediately collapsed on the side. Average from annoyance
cried.

Stirlitz took Kat to bed and thought: “Well, now it’s up to
small." But the little one did not rise.

Last year, Stirlitz was awarded another military rank and given
papakha. The groin still hurts.

Stirlitz and Pleischner built a dugout in three rolls. For the fourth time they
rolled already in the dugout.

Stirlitz had a business in Ukraine. He didn't even want to hear about it.

Stirlitz received a code: "Eustace, you are an asshole." Stirlitz, shed a tear, - he was awarded the title of hero.