Physical jokes. Jokes about physics and physicists

Jokes about physicists, chemists, mathematicians...

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson fly in a balloon, land in an unknown place and see a man.
"Sir," says Holmes. - Could you tell us where we are?
“Yes, sir,” he replies. - You are in a balloon basket.
Then the ball rises again, Holmes thought and said:
- Before us is a typical theorist!
- Amazing, Holmes! exclaims Watson. - How did you guess?
- Elementary, Watson, according to his answer. It was absolutely accurate, but nobody needed it.
Two theorists are walking in the forest. Meet a bear. The first ran, the second stayed.
- Run! - shouts the first to the second.
- For what? My speed is still less than the speed of the bear. - says the second.
- It doesn't matter that your speed is less than the speed of the bear, it is important that my speed is greater than yours. - answers the first.
The theorist enters a room where an experimenter is driving a nail into the wall with a hat. The theorist leaves, having thought, came and says:
- This nail is from the opposite wall.
Possible answer:
- No, from this one, but on the other hand ...
The theorist shakes the child, but he does not fall asleep. He scares him:
- Now the pe-rolled (pk) and ku-rolled (qk) will come and they will eat you.
Two physicists are sitting in a cafe. A girl passes by. One physicist says to another:
- Look, what an interesting combination of atoms!
The rector of the university looked at the estimate brought to him by the dean of the Faculty of Physics, and, sighing, said:
- Why do physicists always demand such expensive equipment? For example, mathematicians ask only money for paper, pencils and erasers. After thinking, he added, and philosophers, those are even better, they don’t even need erasers.
A student was expelled from the physics department. He went out of anger to theological. Sleeping in lectures. The theology teacher comes up to him:
- Tell me, child, what is the Divine Power?
- Divine Mass per Divine Acceleration... - the student answers without opening his eyes.
A drunken physicist is resting on a bench, covering himself with a Field Theory textbook. A passer-by comes up to him and says:
- An agronomist, but got drunk like a physicist.
Option
Everyone gets off at the end of the subway, but some man froze, and the book is lying on the floor. The neighbor picked up the book, reads on the cover “Landau. Field Theory, shouts:
- E! Agronomist! Get up, ultimate!
The task was set: to calculate the stability of a table with 4 legs.
An engineer calculated the stability of a table with 4 legs in a week.
The theoretical physicist spent 15 years looking for a general solution for a table with an arbitrary number of legs, after which he substituted n=4 into the formula.
The experimental physicist instantly found a solution for two limiting cases n=1 and infinity, and interpolated the results in 5 minutes to an intermediate value n=4.
The train leaves the station. A physicist stands at the open door. Suddenly, the train brakes sharply and the physicist, unable to stay on his feet, flies out of the door and runs into a pole. A passer-by is walking by.
- Oh-oh-oh ... - a physicist.
- What's wrong with you?! You are alive? - passerby.
- Oooh! Yes ... It's good that in half ...
- What?!
- Oh, how good that in half ...
- What in half?! Half leg?
- Um, square in half ... - the physicist answers.
Option
A physics teacher is walking down the street, and suddenly a brick falls on his head. A student runs up to him and asks:
- Nikolai Ivanovich, are you badly hurt?
- It's good that in half, - he replies thoughtfully.
- What in half? Head?!
- No.
- Brick?!
- No. It's good that uh ve square in half...
I am particularly fascinated by the international character of your art. The whole world admires your canvases, they are liked by all people, - the scientist says to the artist.
“Your fame surprises me even more,” the artist says to the scientist. - The whole world admires you, although no one understands you.
Option
From the correspondence between Einstein and Chaplin.
Einstein - Chaplin:
- Your art is clear to everyone, the whole world admires you ...
Chaplin to Einstein:
“Your fame amazes me even more. The whole world knows you, although no one understands ...
The professor forgot the key at home, knocking on the door. An old servant comes out:
- The professor is not at home, he is at a lecture.
- Okay, I'll come by later.
One professor, chairman of the atomic energy commission, was a very absent-minded person. Once he went in a trolley bus, and there a nurse from a psychiatric hospital was taking patients somewhere. Their stop came up, they got out one after another, and the professor, thinking, along with them. Nurse counting patients
- First, second, third, fourth... And who are you?
- I am the chairman of the commission on atomic energy.
- Fifth, sixth, seventh...
A busy mathematician sits at his desk. His child comes up to him and asks:
- Dad, how do you spell the number eight?
- Very simple - turn the infinity sign on the PI in half.
The assistant tells the professor:
- They just called from the maternity hospital and said that your daughter was born.
Professor, not looking up from work:
Please tell my wife about this.
About precision in expressions:
Close the window because it's cold outside.
- Is it getting warmer outside?
What do a guinea pig and a female scientist have in common?
- Just as a guinea pig has nothing to do with either the sea or pigs, so a woman scientist has nothing to do with scientists or women.
A woman comes to the tailor's atelier:
- Please sew me a nightgown 3 meters long.
- Why are you like this?
- My husband is a scientist. For him, the main thing is the search, not the final result.
A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician are traveling across Australia and they see that a black sheep is grazing in a meadow.
- Look! Black sheep live in Australia. says the biologist.
- No. Australia has at least one black sheep. - says the physicist.
- No, gentlemen. Australia has at least one sheep, and at least one side is black. says the mathematician.
A fire broke out in the hotel where the engineer, mathematician and physicist settled.
The engineer runs out into the corridor, sees a fire hose on the wall, grabs it, turns on the water and floods the fire.
The physicist, quickly estimating the volume of combustible substances, the temperature of the flame, the heat capacity of water and steam, atmospheric pressure, etc., pours a strictly defined amount of water into a glass from a carafe and fills the fire with this water.
The mathematician jumps out into the corridor, sees a fire extinguisher on the wall, and exclaiming with joy: “The solution exists!”, calmly returns to the room ...
In the auditorium, a lecturer is giving a lecture on mathematics to three students. Suddenly 5 people get up and leave. Lecturer:
- Now two more will come, and there will be no one left at all.
Option
Three student friends are sitting in a street cafe after passing the session in the appropriate state. Watching incoming and outgoing, sip beer. Two visitors came in, and a few minutes later three came out.
The first of the students was a physicist and said:
- Initial measurements were inaccurate.
The second, being a biologist, explained as follows:
- Humans tend to reproduce.
The third - a mathematician - expressed his opinion:
- If one person enters the cafe, it will be empty.
Mathematician, physicist, engineer prove the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician:
- 1 - simple, 3 - simple, 5 - simple, 7 - simple, 9 - not simple. This is a counterexample, so the theorem is false.
Physicist:
- 3, 5 and 7 - simple, 9 - experimental error, 11 - prime, etc. Let's take some more randomly chosen odd numbers. 17 is prime, 19 is prime, 23 is prime... The theorem is proved.
Engineer:
- 3 - prime, 5 - prime, 7 - prime, 9 - approximately prime, 11 - also prime... Yes, they are all prime!
Two mathematicians, an optimist and a pessimist, are sitting in a restaurant. The pessimist claims that most people do not know higher mathematics, and the optimist that some people do know, albeit to a small extent. Here the pessimist comes out for a couple of minutes, and the optimist decides to play a trick on him. He calls the waitress.
- Listen, we'll call you in five minutes and ask you a question. Which question is completely unimportant, but you must answer: "Three x cube." Agreed?
- How? "Tretik is stingy?" - asks the waitress.
- One third x cube!
In general, on the fifth attempt, the waitress pronounces the phrase more or less correctly, and leaves, muttering to herself "third ikskup."
The pessimist returns, the optimist offers him a bet:
- Let's call that waitress over there and ask her a simple integral - for example, from x2dx - what will she answer?
The pessimist agrees. The optimist calls the same waitress.
- Can you tell me what the integral of x square de x equals?
- A third x cube ... - the waitress answers.
The pessimist is greatly surprised, the optimist has fun. The waitress, moving away from the table, over her shoulder:
- And plus a constant.
- ?!
They invited a biologist, an extra and a physicist to come up with a way to predict the outcome of the races for $100,000 each. Results:
Biologist:
- I have developed a table by which, knowing the biological data of horses, you can predict the winner.
Statistician:
- I built a regression, according to which, knowing the previous races, you can predict the winning horse.
Physicist:
- I need two more years and 1 million dollars to work, and by now I have built a model that allows me to predict the victory of a spherical horse in a vacuum.
Honey, what's your dick?
- 600 nanometers!
- So Littel?!
- So red!
Option
Two wives of physicists meet:
- My husband's penis is so small, only 8 cm.
- Yes-ah? .. Well, that's still nothing, mine has 6382 angstroms.
- What's so small?!
- No, it's red!
The chemist boasts to his friends:
- My baby son said his first word today!
- What did he say?
- Paraaminoarsenebenzene hydrochloride! - proudly answered the happy father.
PhD student Zayats is defending. Topic of the dissertation: "The dressing of skins of large wild animals in field conditions in one minute." They gave him twenty minutes to speak. Then the first opponent of the Fox speaks.
- The work is excellent, but it is not clear how it is with practical application?
- Shall we go out for one minute?
Come out. The hare returns with the skin of the fox. The second opponent, the Wolf, is speaking. They also go out, and the Hare brings the skin of the Wolf. Then the chairman of the council Bear.
- Well, what is this big wild animal Wolf? The bear is a big wild animal. We leave.
Come out. The door opens. The Lion enters, holds the Bear's skin in his hands and says:
- Well, who else is on my graduate student?
Option
A hare is sitting on a stump, writing something. The fox runs past.
- What are you writing, hare?
- Thesis.
- About what?
- About how hares eat foxes.
- Yes, where did you see this?
- Come on, I'll show you...
After a while, the hare sits again and writes something. The wolf is running.
- What are you writing, oblique?
- A dissertation on how hares eat wolves.
- Are you crazy?
- Come with me...
Further, the hare writes, the bear approaches.
- What are you writing?
- A dissertation on how hares eat bears.
- Where is this seen?
- Come on, I'll show you...
The last picture: a cave, a mountain of fox, wolf, bear bones. In the middle, gnawing at a bone, lies a huge lion.
Moral: it is not the topic of the dissertation that is important, it is important who your leader is!
Dialogue:
But that doesn't happen in nature!
- Nature has nothing to do with it. my equation. What I want, I write!
The physicist meets his friend, he says to him:
- They told me such a cool anecdote: “A mouse runs along the edge of a cliff: pee-pee-a-a-a-a-a-ah !!!”.
- hu and what's special - the ordinary Doppler effect. - answers the physicist.
Scientists conducted experiments on white and gray mice. Whites were given good conditions, and grays were bad. We started watching. Whites died from heart attacks, and grays lived, even centenarians were observed. What's the matter? The scientists couldn't figure it out. They built different theories and hypotheses, argued, proved ...
And then one day the watchman confessed:
- Don't break your head! Every day I show the cat to white mice from under the floor. And he fed the grays. Here they are...
Thus solved another scientific mystery.
Einstein was once asked how brilliant discoveries appear.
"It's very simple," Einstein replied. - All scientists believe that this cannot be. But there is one fool who does not agree with this, and proves why.
The old Greek scientist Archimedes liked to take a bath. One day he took a full bath of water and immersed himself in it. Naturally, the water spilled onto the floor. Archimedes, seeing what had happened, began to yell heart-rendingly: “Eureka! Eureka! Eureka!" and the husband’s cry came to his wife: “Old man, what are you talking about?” and heard in response “Eureka, yours ..., what is your name? Can't you see how much water spilled out? Wipe it!"
Are you a physicist?
- No, I'm just hungover.
The father looks into his son's notebook:
- Son, why do you write hooks so unevenly?
- These are not hooks, dad, these are integrals.
Albert Einstein died. Appeared before God. God tells him:
- I know you are a great scientist. I will fulfill any of your requests.
Einstein:
- I want to know the formula of the world.
God wrote down the formula.
- There is one mistake in it! Einstein exclaims.
- I know... - God answers.
A drunken physicist is lying around. The dean approaches him.
- What course?!
Phystech raises its head with difficulty:
- 25,50...
Vanka with Manka at the congress.
- Manka, do you want to show Keldysh?
- What are you, crazy, show me at home!
The mathematician says to his girlfriend:
- You're so small!
- Oh thank you! What does it mean?
- Closed and limited...
Once a lawyer, a doctor and a physicist were arguing about who is better wife or mistress.
- Undoubtedly - a mistress, because if you want to leave your wife, you will have many legal problems. - says the lawyer.
- On the other hand, a wife is much better, because reliability and confidence in the future protects you from stress, which is generally very harmful to health. - says the doctor.
- Both of you are mistaken! It is best if there is both a wife and a mistress. When your wife thinks that you are with your mistress, and your mistress thinks that you are with your wife, you can safely do physics! says the physicist.
A former student meets his teacher in higher mathematics, started talking, remembered the past. The professor asks:
- So I read higher mathematics to you for three years, tell me, did this knowledge ever come in handy in your life?
The student thought:
- But there was one case ...
Professor:
- Very interesting, tell me, I will tell him at lectures that higher mathematics is not such an abstract science and is sometimes needed in life.
Student:
- I was walking along the street, and the wind blew my hat into a puddle. I took a piece of wire, bent it in the form of an integral and pulled it out.
The engineer sat for three hours at a lecture by a mathematician devoted to multidimensional spaces. In the end, he very upset approached the lecturer and said:
- Excuse me, I would like to imagine the subject of your lecture at least a little. But I can't imagine a sphere in nine dimensions!
- It's very simple, - the mathematician answered him, - imagine a sphere in n-dimensional space, and then put n equal to nine.
The first-year student approaches the fifth-year student and says:
- Remember the integral of x over dx?
- Nah, if by dy...
Mathematician, physicist and engineer answer the question: "What is Pi"
Mathematician:
is a number equal to the ratio between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist:
is 3.1415927±0.0000005.
Engineer:
is something like 3.
A man runs around the psychiatric hospital and shouts:
- I differentiate you! I will integrate you!
Everyone, of course, is very afraid of him, they scatter in horror and hide. And he is happy and shouts out his threats even louder and more terrible. But then he notices in the corner of the patient, who is sitting and does not seem to notice what is happening at all. “Now I am his,” the first thinks, creeps up to him, makes terrible eyes and yells:
- I differentiate you! I will integrate you!
- ...
- And I differentiate you! I will integrate you!
- ...
- Listen, I'm differentiating you... integrating you...?
- And I - eh ...
- And I differentiate you by y!!!
Option
The differential runs along the coordinate plane. Towards him - a constant.
- Who are you?
- I'm a constant. And who are you?
Prodifferentiated once and ate.
Runs on. Opposite variable.
- Who are you?
- I'm a variable. And who are you?
- I'm a differential. I will eat you.
Prodifferentiated twice and ate.
Runs on. Opposite function.
- Who are you?
- I'm a function. And who are you?
- I'm a differential. I will eat you.
- I am not afraid of you. I am e to the x power.
- And I differentiate with respect to y...
The teacher asks a senior student:
- What is a differential?
Student thoughtfully:
At first I didn't know, but then I got used to it.
Option
- Professor, what is an integral?
- Well, kids ... Once upon a time it was not clear to me either, then - nothing, I got used to it.
At the university, a student from the Faculty of Biology tells a student from the Faculty of Mathematics:
- We have a course on primates read by the director of the zoo!
Mathematics student:
- Applied Mathematicians at the Zoo? Cool!
A mathematician walks down the street, thinks about his own thoughts and sees a poster on a pole: "A chamber choir performs." It became interesting, I decided to look. He buys a ticket, enters, listens attentively, leaves, shrugs his shoulders in the street and says:
- A special case, k is equal to three.
Math wife sends to the store, lists what to buy. He nods and thinks of something else. Returns an hour later:
- So, I bought two bottles of Klein, a dozen small denominators, a pound of collapse and a wave package.
Wife:
- Didn't listen to me again!
Well, how can I bake a non-linear resonance on some own functions?!
The examiner asks the student:
- Tell me how a transformer works.
- W-w-w.
- Two. Wrong. The transformer works like this: wow.
How many general relativity experts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Two. One holds a light bulb, the other rotates the universe.
How many quantum mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- They can't do it. If they know where the bulb is, they can't locate the socket.
How many high energy physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Two hundred. 136 to break the bulb and 64 to analyze the small pieces.
What is the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
- A mathematician believes that two points are enough to draw a line through them. The physicist will definitely require additional data.
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician sit in a cafe and watch the door on the opposite side of the street. They note the following pattern - the number of people entering this door is always equal to the number of people who leave it after a while. Suddenly, the picture is broken: two enter the door, and then three exit. Scientists are starting to discuss this phenomenon. Biologist:
“Obviously they have multiplied.
Physicist:
- Apparently, this can be explained by an experimental error.
Mathematician:
When another person enters the house, it will be empty.
Exam in quantum mechanics. The examiner asks the student:
- Write the Schrödinger equation.
-h?=e?
- What is h?
- A magnetic field.
- What is e?
- Electric field.
- And what does this equation mean?
- ...
- (prompts) But on? can be shortened!
How is a physicist different from a mathematician? Let's do an experiment. Let's take a simple task: there is a kettle, a stove, a mug and a tea bag, you need to brew tea. The physicist solves this problem in the following way: he takes a kettle, pours water into it, puts the kettle on the stove, turns it on and waits for the water to boil. After that, he puts a tea bag in a mug and pours boiling water into it. Problem solved. The mathematician does exactly the same thing. Now let's simplify our task a little: the kettle already contains boiling water. The physicist takes a mug, puts a bag of tea in it, pours boiling water. The mathematician takes the kettle, pours water out of it and says that the problem is reduced to the previous one.
A young man came to the famous Vilna sage Eliezer and asked what he had to do to become a great scientist.
- It is necessary to give up all pleasures, except for teaching. You must get used to hunger, cold and poverty. And so on until the age of forty.
- And then?
- And then you'll get used to it.
One mathematician asked a colleague known for his religious beliefs:
- Do you believe in one and all-powerful God?
- No, of course not, but all Gods are isomorphic. he answered.
The mathematicians gathered for a drink. One pours vodka into various dishes:
- Well, how much to pour something?
Another:
- Don't you see the boundary conditions?
Third:
- Hey, we have only one bottle from the initial conditions!
What is a derivative booze?
- This is such a booze, which is for the money from the bottles for the first booze.
- And what is a substantial booze?
- This is such a booze, in which the second derivative is not zero.
Presentation at the conference:
- For a real scientist, the main thing is the process of achieving the goal, and not the end result.
Voice from the audience:
- Have you ever tried to catch up with the last bus on a dank autumn night in the rain?
A first-year student is asked how much it will be 2 times 2. He, without hesitation, is 4.
A student of the second year. He looked into the spur - 4.
A student of the third year. He took out a calculator - 4.
A student of the fourth year. He ran to draw up the program.
The fifth student He, indignantly:
- What do I have to remember all the constants?!
I will solve your problems with infinity.
Get rid of the uncertainty when dividing by zero.
Tel. 765-43-21 (ask Fourier)
Mathematician in the hospital.
- Patient, what date is it today?
- Whole, positive.
Two researchers meet. One says:
- Yesterday I downloaded your article from electronic preprints!
Another:
- Ahh... So it was - you-s...
A mathematician is accepted into a prestigious English club.
- You, sir, must follow the rules of our club: do not say what you do not know for sure, do not judge everyone else by a few members and do not attach undue importance to trifles.
Mathematician:
- So, goodbye asymptotic methods?
A mathematician is asked why he chose this particular science.
- And what was there to choose? Biology is a dark forest for me, chemistry is pure vinegar, and physics is an empty phrase! Maybe at least in mathematics I'm not a round zero!
The little son asks his father:
Why is it dark at night and light during the day?
- Well... Stationary orbit, without regard to precession, is characterized by a constant coefficient...
- Dad, who are you talking to?
Name a prime number.
- Well... One, two, three, four...
- What, four is a prime number?
- Much easier!
Before the exam, the student studied around the clock all week, memorized everything - he comes to the exam, takes a ticket, reads “Lorentz Transformations”, and then asks the teacher:
- And now you tell me why I taught everything else ?!
Two blondes are sitting and discussing the theory of atomic particle relativity of the second order. A physicist approaches them.
One blonde - another:
- Shukher, we're talking about serials...
Phone call:
- Hello, is this the apartment of Sidorov Ivan Petrovich?
- No, this is the apartment of Katz Abram Samuilovich.
- Excuse me, is it 22-38-89?
- No, it's 22-38-88.
- Wow! There is a mistake in the sixth sign, and such an effect ...
To solve what complex problem is a group of the following specialists created: mathematician, physicist, biologist, engineer, doctor, architect, economist, lawyer, philosopher?
- For harvesting potatoes on the collective farm.
Chef's help to the village. Brigadier:
- Everyone dig! Who is the mathematician here? You will extract the roots!
Doctor, lawyer and scientist discuss which is better.
Doctor says:
- Better wife. No disease, stability, nervous calm...
Lawyer says:
- Better mistress. Lower costs, in case of divorce, everything will remain with you ...
The scientist says:
- Better wife and mistress. You tell your wife that you went to your mistress, and to your mistress that you go to your wife, and you yourself go to study science.
http://home.ural.ru/~meop/anecdote.html
Biology
Yeah, - the biologist said disappointedly, - Not so hot what a copy turned out.
- Maybe put to sleep before it's too late, - asked the laboratory assistant?
- We will always have time to put to sleep, - the biologist answered and shook the test tube. The creature in the test tube started up and began to look around frightened.
- The design, of course, is not the most successful ... lousy design, frankly ... well, yes, let it live for now, - the biologist said and looked at his watch, - Oh! And we're just having lunch! - with these words, he materialized a ham sandwich from the refrigerator and took a bite of it with pleasure.
How will it reproduce? - unexpectedly asked the laboratory assistant.
The biologist choked on his sandwich and coughed, "Reproduce?" Why else is this?
- Well, how? Aren't you wondering what will come out of all this?
- What will happen? Well, it will last a day or two, a week, at best ...
- What if it's longer? What habits will it acquire, what will it eat, what kind of offspring will it have ... if it does, of course.
The biologist thoughtfully chewed on a piece of sandwich.
- Maybe budding? - he suggested a minute later, - simple, and most importantly, standard.
- I have a better idea! - the laboratory assistant solemnly declared, - Here, look, - he sketched several sketchy drawings on a piece of paper, and waving his arms began to explain something.
A minute later, the biologist was laughing, leaning against the wall and holding his stomach.
- Well, you give, - he squeezed out of himself, finally, - I have not seen this before!
- Well, you can try something! - the laboratory assistant insisted, and insult was felt in his voice.
- Oh, to hell with you! - wiping tears, the biologist said, - to experiment, so experiment. Where did you put the biomaterial that made this one?
The lab technician looked uncertainly at the bio-waste sink and shrugged.
“It’s clear,” said the biologist, “we’ll have to borrow material ...
They both looked pityingly at the creature thrashing awkwardly in the test tube.
- You can use a patch of skin, or hair, - the biologist reasoned, - but ideally, of course, we need bone tissue. Well, let's say... a rib.
Something very sharp and metallic flashed in the hands of the biologist. The creature blinked.
http://prikolnoe.info/2007/05/20/biologija_rasskazik.html

Physical jokes

The examiner asks, "What is electricity?" The panicked student responds, stammering, "Oh sir, I'm sure I knew, but I seem to have forgotten." “What a pity, what a pity! Only two knew what electricity was: you and the Creator, and now one of you forgot everything.”

News from the world of nuclear physics: A kitten's stomach is no larger than a thimble, therefore, the two liters of milk that he can drink in an hour are in his stomach at a pressure of 50,000 atmospheres, which is ten times the pressure at the epicenter of a nuclear explosion.

With his mouth open, Ivan Petrovich listens to his wife so that the pressure on the eardrums from the outside and from the inside is the same

They invited a biologist, an extra and a physicist to come up with a way to predict the outcome of the races for $100,000 each. Results:
Biologist:
- I have developed a table by which, knowing the biological data of horses, you can predict the winner.
Statistician:
- I built a regression, according to which, knowing the previous races, you can predict the winning horse.
Physicist:
- I need two more years and 1 million dollars to work, and by now I have built a model that allows me to predict the victory of a spherical horse in a vacuum.

Newspaper report: "...The world's largest power plant has been opened in China today. Thousands of little Chinese people in silk pants are sliding down a glass chute."

Vovochka's father at the parent meeting:
- Well, what can you do, Vovochka flew in one ear, flew out the other ...
Physics teacher from his place:
You are mistaken, sound does not propagate in a vacuum...

On a pair of nuclear physics.
Teacher:
- Damn, it seems that I handed out some textbooks to you, and left another one for myself.

Next year, the entire scientific world will celebrate the 310th anniversary of the birth of the great German physicist Fahrenheit - or, which is absolutely the same, the 292nd anniversary of the birth of Celsius.

Physicists, biologists and mathematicians are offered to explain how it could happen that two people entered an empty house, and after a while three people left.
Physicist: It's an observational error: it can't be!
Biologist: This is a natural process of reproduction: two have a third.
Mathematician: There is nothing easier! Let's define an empty house as a house with no more than one person.

How physicists prove that all odd numbers are prime. One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is experimental error, eleven is prime, thirteen is prime. Using the method of mathematical induction, the theorem is proved.

The days are lengthened by heat in summer and shortened by cold in winter.

Two friends are talking:
- You know, I calculated the speed of movement of my wife in the store!
- Well, what are they like?
- $200 per hour!

At the terminal station, the conductor inspects the cars and sees a sleeping student on a bench in one, and next to it lies Landau's book "Field Theory".
The conductor wakes up the student:
- Well, get up, agronomist, come!

The examiner asks the student:
Tell me how a transformer works.
- W-w-w.
- Two. Wrong. The transformer works like this: wow.

At the entrance exams of the Faculty of Geology of Moscow State University. Physics exam.
Teacher:
- What are electromagnetic waves?
Student:
- Electromagnetic waves were invented by Popov at the beginning of our century to create a radio and had a length of 3 meters.

Physics exam. examiner:
- What is that letter?
Student:
— "C"
What is "C"?
— speed of light
- It's a brace! Let's take a note. Three.

The physicist enters the zone, the godfather calls him:
I heard you are a physicist?
- Yes.
— Sit down, physicist. So what are you doing?
- I am sitting.
- What am I doing?
- You are standing.
- And what does Vovka do?
- He lies.
Here you explain to me, as a physicist, why for those who are free, we are all sitting?

The latest invention of one of the research institutes: a solar-powered flashlight....

The most terrible word in nuclear physics is the word "UPS ..."

Bloch, savvy by Lefty, is a vivid example of Russian nanotechnologies: nothing is visible and nobody needs it...

The half-life of a salary is equal to a week and does not depend on the size of the salary.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer were given the task of calculating the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist immersed the ball in a glass of water and measured the volume of liquid displaced.
The mathematician measured the diameter of the ball and calculated the triple integral.
The engineer took out the Table of Volumes of Red Rubber Balls from the table and found the desired value.

Physics through the eyes of biologists.
Long ago, apple trees would shoot apples in random directions. Only those apples that fell down gave "offspring". Thus, after millions of years of natural selection and evolution, gravity appeared.

Few people remember the laboratory assistant of Pierre and Marie Curie. Yeah, she didn't really shine.

Tachyon walks into a bar. The bartender to him: "Tachyons are not served!" "It's strange," says the tachyon, "but they were serving tomorrow."

Omsk is Volsk divided by Ampersk.

It is known that in a year approximately pi is ten to the seventh seconds. And it's easy to explain from a physical point of view. In fact: pi - because the Earth's orbit is round, in the seventh - because there are seven days in a week. Well, approximately - because the orbit is still not quite round, but elliptical.

It is easy to explain how the wireless telegraph works. Imagine a very long cat - you pull his tail in New York, and he meows in Los Angeles. A wireless telegraph is the same thing, only without a cat.

One day Newton's guests complained that the gate to his garden was hard to open and asked him to make another, better one.
- I do not know where better - replied the physicist. - And so everyone who enters pours at least a liter of water into the tank for the house.

Examiner: Write Planck's formula.
Student: E equals ash nu
Examiner: What is nude?
Student: Plank Constant
Examiner: What is ash?
Student: The height of this bar.

Passing an exam in electrical engineering. He answers perfectly, impresses the examiner with his knowledge, he gives him "excellent", and then asks:
- Listen, do you really understand everything so brilliantly?
- Yes, not all. - The student crumples. - I have one unclear question. After all, alternating current is what it is. - The student draws a sinusoid in the air with his hand, - So why does he go through straight wires?

Exam dialogue. Teacher:
- What is horsepower?
- This is the power that a horse one meter tall and weighing one kilogram develops.
- But where did you see such a horse !?
“And you just don’t see her. It is kept in Paris, in the Chamber of Weights and Measures.

An old astronomy professor walks up to the lectern in a black tuxedo and white slippers.
- Dear students, I will not lecture you. I came to say goodbye. In my observatory, a clock that has been running for nearly three hundred years has stopped today. I'm sure it's the end of the world!
The students giggled and hooted.
When the noise died down, the professor spoke again:
“Now I’m going to tell you something that won’t make you laugh at once.” My sundial stopped at the observatory!

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician settled in the hotel. Every room has a fire.
The engineer runs out into the corridor, sees a fire hose on the wall, grabs it, turns on the water, runs into the room and floods the fire.
The physicist, quickly estimating the volume of combustible substances, the temperature of the flame, the heat capacity of water and steam, atmospheric pressure, etc., pours a strictly defined amount of water into a glass from a decanter and fills the fire with this water.
The mathematician jumps out into the corridor, sees a fire extinguisher on the wall, and exclaiming with joy: “The solution exists!”, calmly returns to the room ...

A fire broke out in the hotel where the engineer, mathematician and physicist settled. The engineer runs out into the corridor, sees a fire hose on the wall, grabs it, turns on the water and floods the fire.
The physicist, quickly estimating the volume of combustible substances, the temperature of the flame, the heat capacity of water and steam, atmospheric pressure, etc., pours a strictly defined amount of water into a glass from a carafe and fills the fire with this water.
The mathematician jumps out into the corridor, sees a fire extinguisher on the wall, and exclaiming with delight: "The solution exists!", calmly returns to the room...

There is an exam. The teacher explains:
- Question five. How is voltage measured.
- Question four. How is voltage measured? A - voltmeter, B - ammeter, C - ohmmeter.
- Question on three. Do you measure voltage with a voltmeter?

the theorist enters a room in which the experimenter drives a nail into the wall with a hat. The theorist leaves, but after thinking, he returns and says: - This nail is from the opposite wall.

The examiner asks the student:
- Tell me how a transformer works.
- W-w-w.
- Two. Wrong. The transformer works like this: wow.

From the correspondence between Einstein and Chaplin.
Einstein - Chaplin:
- Your art is clear to everyone, the whole world admires you ...
Chaplin to Einstein:
“Your fame amazes me even more. The whole world knows you, although no one understands ...

One professor, chairman of the Atomic Energy Commission, was a very absent-minded person. Once he went in a trolley bus, and there a nurse from a psychiatric hospital was taking patients somewhere. Their stop came up, they got out one after another, and the professor, thinking, along with them. Nurse counting patients
- First, second, third, fourth... And who are you?
- I am the chairman of the commission on atomic energy.
- Fifth, sixth, seventh...

Two theorists are walking in the forest. Meet a bear. The first ran, the second stayed.
- Run! - shouts the first to the second.
- For what? My speed is still less than the speed of the bear. - says the second.
- It doesn't matter that your speed is less than the speed of the bear, it is important that my speed is greater than yours. - answers the first.

The rector of the university looked at the estimate brought to him by the dean of the physics department, and, sighing, said:
- Why do physicists always demand such expensive equipment? For example, mathematicians ask only money for paper, pencils and erasers.
And after thinking he added:
- And philosophers, those are even better. They don't even need erasers.

At the terminal station, the conductor inspects the cars and sees a sleeping student on a bench in one, and next to it lies Landau's book "Field Theory".
The conductor wakes up the student:
- Well, get up, agronomist, come!

Teacher:
- Vovochka, who was Archimedes?
- Well ... it was a scientist ... once he was washing in a bath and shouted: "Eureka!"
- And what does "eureka" mean?
- Well... it means "found".
- And what did he find?
- I don't know... Soap, probably.

Physics lesson at school. The teacher asks:
- What is horsepower?
- This is the power that a horse with a height of one meter and a weight of one kilogram develops!
- Interesting! And where did you see such a horse?

Student: Salt solution conducts electricity, so salt is an electrolyte. Sugar solution...
- Teacher: Think about what a sugar solution is?
- Student: Tea?

WITH two physicists go to a cafe. A girl passes by. One physicist says to another:
- Look, what an interesting combination of atoms!

A student was expelled from the physics department. He went out of anger to theological. Sleeping in lectures. The theology teacher comes up to him:
- Tell me, child, what is the Divine Power?
“Divine Mass per Divine Acceleration…” the student answers without opening his eyes.

At one of Albert Einstein's speeches, one woman, in order to show her friends her education, decided to ask him a question: - Could you explain to me the connection between time and eternity? Einstein: - You see, if I had enough time to explain it to you, it would take you forever to understand it.

Einstein was once asked how brilliant discoveries appear.
"It's very simple," Einstein replied. - All scientists believe that this cannot be. But there is one fool who does not agree with this, and proves why.

In Paradise, Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes drives and begins to count. Pascal runs over the horizon, and Newton looks back, takes a stick, draws a square around him with a side of 1 meter and becomes inside the square. Archimedes finishes counting, opens his eyes and sees Newton:
- I see Newton
- Eh, no! Newton per square meter is Pascal!

A physicist is standing at the station and waiting for the train. A gypsy comes up to him: - Gild the pen, dear, I'll tell you everything you want!
The physicist takes out a fifty-kopeck piece: - Tell me the half-life of radium!
The gypsy has eyes O_O!
And the physicist told her: - Well, you see, it didn’t work!, - and hides the money back in his pocket.

There is no god. There are laws of physics that if you break them you will go to hell.

Somehow a physicist and a mathematician meet. Physicist asks:
- Listen, why the wheels of the train are round, and when he rides they knock.
- It's elementary. The area of a circle is a PI ER square, so this square just knocks

Student:
- "C"
- What's the "C"?
- speed of light
- It's a bracket! Let's take a note. Three.

Examiner: Write Planck's formula.
Student: E equals ash nu
Examiner: What is nude?
Student: Plank Constant
Examiner: What is ash?
Student: The height of this bar

Teacher:
- What is horsepower?
- This is the power that a horse one meter tall and weighing one kilogram develops.
- But where did you see such a horse !?
“And you just don’t see her. It is kept in Paris, in the Chamber of Weights and Measures.

A former student of physicist meets his teacher in higher mathematics, started talking, remembered the past. The professor asks:
- So I read higher mathematics to you for three years, tell me, did this knowledge ever come in handy in your life?
The student thought:
- But there was one case ...
Professor:
- Very interesting, tell me, I will tell him at lectures that higher mathematics is not such an abstract science and is sometimes needed in life.
Student:
- I was walking along the street, and the wind blew my hat into a puddle. I took a piece of wire, bent it in the form of an integral and took out

A busy physicist suffers over his desk. His child comes up to him and asks:
- Dad, how do you spell the number eight?
- Very simple. Take infinity and turn to pi in half.

A physics student became interested in religion and transferred to a seminary. Here he is sitting at a lecture and, out of habit (and
maybe out of habit), dozing. During the lecture, the priest comes up to him and asks:
- So, tell me, what is the divine power?
The seminarian shudders, but immediately answers:
- Divine mass per divine acceleration.

Two physicists are sitting in a cafe. A girl passes by. One physicist says to another:
“Look, what an interesting combination of atoms!”

They invited a biologist, an extra and a physicist to come up with a way to predict the outcome of the races for $100,000 each. Results:
Biologist:
- I have developed a table by which, knowing the biological data of horses, you can predict the winner.

Statistician:
- I built a regression, according to which, knowing the previous races, you can predict the winning horse.

Physicist:
- I need two more years and 1 million dollars to work, and by now I have built a model that allows me to predict the victory of a spherical horse in a vacuum.

A drunken physicist is resting on a bench, covering himself with a Field Theory textbook. A passer-by comes up to him and says:
- An agronomist, but got drunk like a physicist.

An old astronomy professor walks up to the lectern in a black tuxedo and white slippers.
- Dear students, I will not lecture you. I came to say goodbye. In my observatory, a clock that has been running for nearly three hundred years has stopped today. I'm sure the end of the world has come!
The students giggled and hooted. Shouts, screams: "Buy yourself a Rolex!", "Change the gears!", "Insert a new battery," etc.
When the noise died down, the professor spoke again:
“Now I’m going to tell you something that won’t make you laugh at once.” My sundial stopped at the observatory!

Where is my favorite cow?
- What are you, Mikhailo! 20 years have already passed.
- So I ask, where is my cow?
- What are you, Mikhailo! Cows live 8 years.
- And where is the cow?
What science are you strong in? In zoology or in mechanics?
- In mechanics.
Your cow is broken.

In the school cafeteria.
- I'm three second.
“Don’t you want the square root of minus two?”

The train leaves the station. A physicist stands at the open door. Suddenly, the train brakes sharply and the physicist, unable to stay on his feet, flies out of the door and runs into a pole. A passer-by is walking by.
- Oh-oh-oh ... - a physicist.
- What's wrong with you?! You are alive? - passerby.
- Oooh! Yes ... It's good that in half ...
- What?!
- Oh, how good that in half ...
- What in half?! Half leg?
- Um, square in half ... - the physicist answers.

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician are traveling across Australia and they see that a black sheep is grazing in a meadow.
- Look! Black sheep live in Australia. says the biologist.
- No. Australia has at least one black sheep. - says the physicist.
- No, gentlemen. Australia has at least one sheep, and at least one side is black. says the mathematician.

A fire broke out in the hotel where the engineer, mathematician and physicist settled. The engineer runs out into the corridor, sees a fire hose on the wall, grabs it, turns on the water and floods the fire.
The physicist, quickly estimating the volume of combustible substances, the temperature of the flame, the heat capacity of water and steam, atmospheric pressure, etc., pours a strictly defined amount of water into a glass from a carafe and fills the fire with this water.
The mathematician jumps out into the corridor, sees a fire extinguisher on the wall, and exclaiming with delight: "The solution exists!", calmly returns to the room...

You have to look at life positively. For example, the fact that you were shocked was not only a minus, but also a plus.

What is the difference between a physicist and a mathematician? Asking a question: " Antonym for the word PARALLEL?".
Mathematician: perpendicular.
Physicist: consistently.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal played hide and seek. Einstein fell to lead. Pascal ran into the bushes, disguised himself, you can’t see the man at all, but Newton just stands there. He drew a square around himself and stands.
Einstein counted to one hundred, turns around, sees Newton and shouts:
- Hooray! I found Newton!
Newton replies with a sly smile:
"Wrong, smart guy!" This is Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!

Buyer and Seller:
- Give me two CD-Rs.
- Two what?
- CD-R-ki, - indicates blanks.
- It's called a burnable CD. If you need something, please speak normally.
- Okay, give me, please, an optical quantum generator of coherent radiation.
- What?!
- Well, in the sense of a laser pointer ...

To complete the picture, the doors must be opaque:

You can know about the World Championship in Quantum Mechanics, either where it is held, or when it is held.

A busy mathematician sits at his desk. His child comes up to him and asks:
- Dad, how do you spell the number eight?
- Very simple - turn the infinity sign on the PI in half.

In Paradise, Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes drives and begins to count. Pascal runs over the horizon, and Newton looks back, takes a stick, draws a square around him with a side of 1 meter and becomes inside the square. Archimedes finishes counting, opens his eyes and sees Newton:
- I see Newton!
- Eh, no! Newton per square meter is Pascal!!

What is current strength?
- This is when there is no mind, but there is current strength.

A policeman approaches a sleeping student in the subway car, who has Landau's textbook "Field Theory" on his knees. Policeman: “Wake up, agronomist! Ultimate!”

Two blondes are sitting and discussing the theory of atomic particle relativity of the second order. A physicist approaches them. One blonde - another:
- Shukher, we're talking about serials...

Scientists from the Physics Laboratory of N State University have experimentally proved that almost any hair dryer can create powerful air resistance, which can greatly slow down the movement of large objects.

The experiments were carried out on busy highways, the hair dryer was directed by the hands of the technician towards moving cars, which, under this influence, reduced the speed, despite their aerodynamic properties, and could pick it up only after passing the technician with the hair dryer.

At the same time, scientists from the Department of Linguistics of the same university collected a huge amount of folklore expressions and metalinguistic phrases based on the statements of drivers passing by a technician with a hairdryer.

Doppler Effect: The wavelength of light coming from an approaching object appears shorter than that from a receding one.
- How can this be observed?
- When you go by car in the evening, notice that cars approaching you have a white light, and red ones from those moving away.

One Newton is the force with which one apple falls on one head from a height of one meter.

Portal for the student. Self-training

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