What to do if the child brought a “deuce”, and how to properly motivate for a good study. Psychologist's recommendations.

Marina, is it necessary to explain to the child about the school grading system, that “five” is good, and “two” is bad?

If there is a grading system in the school, and especially if it is adopted in elementary school, then, of course, it is necessary to talk about it with the child. Explain to him in what cases and for what you can get this or that mark. It is important that the child does not form such a negative connection: “if I have bad grades, then I am bad.”

In a traditional Russian school, evaluation is a public act. The whole class, or even the whole school, knows what grades this or that child is studying for. And very often, especially in elementary school, grades are a measure of the child's personality as a whole, when labels like "C" or "A" testify to the child's abilities in principle. They are also a filter in the process of adaptation of the child both in the peer group and in the teaching community. And this prism is the main one in the school environment. The fact that the child’s speed of perceiving the material is lower than others, for example, or because of his choleric temperament it is difficult for him to concentrate on the task - all these nuances will be taken into account as a last resort.

Often the school does not take into account the dynamic processes in the development of the student. At the beginning of the year, the child could show far from the best results, but by the end of the quarter his performance became higher, however, the total score when deriving the quarter mark will not take this progress into account - the initial low marks, especially in large numbers, will devalue the final high marks.

Therefore, the child, of course, should know that he needs to strive to get good grades in order to be successful in the future. But bad grades should not be interpreted as ignorance, carelessness and laziness.

Childgot a two. Should it be punished?

Do not do this. Motivation for progress and achievement should be positive. If there is a bad score, then you need to try harder to improve the result. Punishing a child for a bad grade, for example, depriving him of walks, games or socializing with friends, his motivation will be negative. It forms either fear or nihilism. In case of fear, the child will be afraid to take the initiative. This can be implemented as follows: for example, one problem may have several solutions, but even if your child has them, he will be silent or use the only valid answer, because he will be afraid to make a mistake. In the case of nihilism, aggression and aversion to learning arise, the child will think like this: “if I have a bad grade, then I will do bad things in everything.”

Let your child understand that a bad grade is just an excuse to improve further. It's like in sports, where a loss or a missed goal is not a failure, but another training session and a step towards a new achievement, victory. This is how the child should be related to the marks of the teacher.

If each bad evaluation is followed by its analysis, and in the connotation of a positive outcome, then it will be possible to avoid them faster. Because the child who brought the deuce will know that he can explain to the parent why this happened, why the deuce, where he misunderstood the material. The student will have a sense of security, not fear. The task of parents and teachers is to provide such a safe space for the student and, first of all, the elementary school student.

Is the child afraid of getting a bad grade, is he very nervous before the tests? What to do?

If a child is afraid of bad grades, most likely, parents have already played their “role” here, who “loaded” the child with their expectations and unspoken demands.

No need to make a child a continuation of your own success! Become a friend to your child! In each assessment, support, care are needed, the child must know that he has a safe place and this place is his family.

If the child is worried before the control, tell a story about yourself, about how you went to the tests, how you passed the exams, that you, too, were sometimes scared and excited, just like he is now. And very often the control ended successfully, because there was enough knowledge, just like your child. But when you got a bad grade, you always had a chance to fix it. And the child also has this chance. This identification is important here, it provides support for your student.

There is nothing good in the fact that a child is constantly afraid of getting a bad grade. The psyche of a child who is threatened by a bad assessment will include protective mechanisms in parental and teacher rejection. And this is a normal mental function. However, the protection itself will not be the best. One option is an endless sense of guilt for a bad grade and dissatisfaction with oneself, which as a result can lead to the identity of an inferior person. The second option is the development of such a quality as slyness, silence, which is called lies in the common people. To avoid punishment (of course, provided that he is punished for bad grades), the child will lie. There is also a third option. To prove that he is a good student, having received a bad grade, he will embark on the rails of perfectionism and will only deal with lessons. The result can be impressive, provided the child has a strong ego and is able to withstand setbacks. But in elementary school, which lays in the child knowledge about himself with the help of grades, this is not typical. In addition, all three options are united by a common feeling - a feeling of fear, which in adulthood develops into background anxiety and becomes one of the components of neurotic states. For some, this is practically not noticeable, and someone who was unlucky with a teacher in childhood will be very sensitive to disturbing effects on the psyche.

Do I need to praise for the "five"?

Praise for the five, of course, you need. But don't overdo it with comments like "you're the best", "you know everything", etc. Do not create a cult of “five”, when “five” is good, and everything else is below the bar and does not deserve praise, then a “bad” assessment will not become a tragedy for the child.

If a child receives excellent grades, this is a reason for pride, first of all, for parents. It is they who can influence the development of the so-called excellent student syndrome. Children's perfectionism is a very difficult neurosis for a child, but a child gets into it with the direct assistance of an adult. As a rule, such a child is initially loaded with high parental expectations. The only way to justify them is to be good at everything, to become an excellent student, to win not even in your game. If this does not happen, then the child feels unworthy and unnecessary to his parents.

First of all, make it clear to the child that you are not praising him for the grades he receives, but for the fact that he strives for knowledge, shows interest in learning something. And there is no harm in the fact that at some point the child shows less curiosity about the subject and does not get excellent marks for it.

The child believes that the teacher was unfair with him and underestimated the mark. How to proceed?

Analyze the situation, find out why the teacher gave such a mark. When you talk to your child about their grades, you are showing them your support. But it is also important not to drop the authority of the teacher in the eyes of the child. Therefore, it is worth standing not in the position of the parent of your child, but in the position of a teacher. Because often from the position of a parent we have one desire - to protect the child. If there really is an injustice in the mark, then it is worth discussing this with the teacher.

In the photo: painting by Reshetnikov F.P. "Double Again"

Sometimes your parents may seem like your enemy, but they are actually your best friends. If you are afraid to tell them about a bad grade, then remember that they will only be upset or angry for a short time and only because they care about you and want you to have a good grade. Telling your parents honestly about the bad grade can help mitigate the consequences of such a conversation.

Steps

Part 1

Preparing to Talk to Parents

Review your report card. By looking at the report card, you can determine in which subjects you have excellent academic performance. In addition, you can see which items need to be pulled up. If you do not understand something or you disagree with something, talk to the teacher. You will need to talk to your parents about your grades, so you need to understand what's what.

Think about why you get bad grades. Write down all the possible reasons you've been getting bad grades lately. The first thing your parents will want to know is why you got bad grades. Be prepared to explain these reasons to them. Do not lie. Below you will find possible reasons for poor performance:

Talk to the teacher. If you know you're going to have a low grade in a term or semester, talk to your teacher about how you can improve your grade. Be honest with your teacher about why you are failing.

• Ask if you can get an extra grade by completing an assignment.
• Get your teacher's opinion on your progress. Teachers have a lot of experience working with underperforming students and they can give you reasons for your underachievement that you didn't even know existed.
• Ask for advice on how best to study and assimilate the material of the subject.

1. Make a plan to improve your performance. Use all the information you got from reviewing your report card yourself, as well as the teacher's advice. Thanks to this, your academic performance will improve significantly in the next semester. When you talk to your parents, show them your plan. This will show that you acknowledge the mistakes you have made and are ready to take action to correct them. Parents will see that you are behaving like an adult who sees your mistakes and is ready to do everything possible to correct them. This makes parents more likely to believe your promise to improve their performance. The following are ways to help improve grades:

   Make up your daily routine. Everyone is different, so it's important to have a schedule that's comfortable for you to follow. Write a schedule that includes space for homework and rest. You can immediately start doing homework after school or take a break for a couple of hours, and then do your homework. Choose what suits you.

   • Start doing your homework at the same time every day. If you learn to follow a set schedule, your academic performance will improve significantly.

2. Set realistic goals for yourself. Think about why good grades are important to you. What do you want to do in the future? Many students want to get additional education and get a good job. Have you already decided where you will study after graduation? If you already know what you want to be, you can focus on learning the subjects you will need to know in the future. Find out what are the requirements for entering an educational institution. In addition, find out which GPA is considered the most preferable for admission.

   Part 2

   Conversation with parents

   1. Don't try to hide your report card from your parents. Although you may have such a desire, resist the temptation. If you try to withhold grades from your parents, you will show your immaturity. However, if you are willing to tell them honestly about your achievements and failures, you will show yourself as a responsible person. In addition, if your parents find out that you tried to hide the truth from them, they may become very angry, which is unlikely to please you.

      Talk to both parents at the same time. Even if you have a trusting relationship with one of the parents, it is worth talking to both dad and mom right away. This will show that you are ready to admit your mistakes and discuss them with your parents. Thanks to this, you will be able to win the respect of your parents.

      • Tell your parents that you have bad grades before showing your diary or report card. It is better to hear bad news than to see it on paper. The reaction of the parents will not be so harsh.

   2. Explain the reasons for your poor performance. Parents need to know why you think you got bad grades. This will show that you are open to dialogue with your parents. Tell us about your strengths and weaknesses. Show the list of reasons you have compiled and discuss it with your parents. Be honest with your parents.

      Show your parents the action plan you made to correct bad grades. Tell your parents what you plan to do to improve your grades. Explain to them each of your actions and why it should bring results. Show your plan in writing so parents can see what you are willing to do to improve your grades. Ask your parents for advice on what else to do on this list.

      Find out what grades your parents think are bad. You must clearly understand which grades for parents are bad and which are good. This way you will know what they expect from you.

      Focus on the positive. When talking with parents, mention the positive aspects of the report card. Even if you have more than just good grades in your report card, draw your parents' attention to the positive side of your academic performance. This can sometimes be hard to do, but try to focus on your accomplishments. You can draw their attention to good behavior or impeccable school attendance.

      • Pay attention to even minor improvements. Did you manage to improve your grade in any subject? Have you been maintaining a satisfactory level in the exact sciences for a long time?
      • Don't let bad grades overshadow your hard work. Of course, there are good grades in your report card that parents should pay close attention to. Also think about bad grades. Parents don't like your history grade? What was your grade in this subject last year? You may have improved your grades this year. If so, tell your parents about it. Also, promise them that you will do your best to improve your grades!

   3. Don't think that your parents will be very angry with you. Your parents were also children, so they are unlikely to be too harsh. Parents most likely remember that they got bad grades too, so if this is your first time, ask them to be understanding. Remember, if you talk to them calmly, you will cause less resentment and show your best side.

      • Be polite and show respect even when you are upset. Chances are your parents will get angry when they hear about your bad grade, but don't let yourself be angry in return.
      • Be prepared to accept punishment from your parents.

   4. Be an optimist. Bad grades are not the end of the world. The more you can improve your grades. Besides, you already have a plan to solve this problem! Promise your parents and yourself that you will do your best to follow through with your plan. Your academic performance should be very important to you.

      • Do not give up! Even if you are very upset, do not give up. Don't tell your parents, "I can't improve my grades! I am a loser! I am stupid! It's impossible!" It is unlikely that with such thinking you will be able to maintain a positive attitude. If your goal seems unattainable, try breaking it down into smaller ones. Say to yourself, "I will try to write well on the test and improve my grade by at least one point." Achieving these small goals will help you improve your academic performance.

   5. Ask parents to talk to other parents or your teacher. Perhaps you think that the teacher is the reason for your poor performance. Be honest. Don't blame the teacher without good reason. This will only make the situation worse. However, if you know that other students also do not understand this subject well, or the teacher does not prepare you for independent work and tests in this subject, inform your parents.

   6. Ask your parents to help you improve your grades. Tell them honestly that it's hard for you to stick to a daily schedule. Ask your parents to supervise you. Promise your parents that you will not resent if they control the implementation of the plan you have drawn up. In addition, parents can help you in the following ways:

      • Parents can explain difficult material to you in easy to understand terms. Sometimes teachers and textbooks present the subject in a way that is difficult to understand. Parents know you better, so they can explain the material to you more clearly.
      • Parents can help you make memory cards.
      • Parents can ask you questions about what you have learned.
      • Parents can check your homework and correct mistakes.
      • Parents may give you extra tasks (outside of school) so that you practice more and can better understand the material.
      • You must understand that your parents are busy people and they cannot devote much time to your homework. So be grateful to your parents for any help they give you.

   7. Ask your parents to hire a tutor. A tutor will help you improve your grades. However, remember that tutoring services are usually expensive. Don't be discouraged if your parents can't comply with your request.

      • Your classmate who knows the subject in which you have poor grades can act as a tutor. In this case, you will receive the help you need, and your parents will not have to spend a lot of money on a tutor.

   8. Tell your parents about your current grades. If you honestly tell your parents about the grades you get, they will not be surprised by the low scores on the report card. Show them your independent and control work. Ask your parents to review your homework over the weekend. This will allow them to monitor your progress.

      • By doing all your homework on time, it will be easier for you to identify what you do not understand. If you get a bad grade on a test, discuss with your parents what the root of the problem is and how you can fix the negative grade. This will help you cope with any difficulties you face at school.
   • If one of the parents understands you better, talk to them first. Then talk to both parents at the same time.
   • If your parents are upset, stay calm. Don't start a quarrel. This will only make the situation worse.
   • Talk to your parents in a reasonable tone and listen to them. They just want you to be fine.
   • Release steam. Beat a pillow, ride a bike, play a computer game, or listen to music. Avoid fights with your parents.
   • Be prepared to accept reasonable punishment. This will show that you are serious about the current situation, and that this will not happen again.
   • Remember that your parents will always love you for who you are, even if you get a bad grade!
   • Tell your parents that school is difficult and that their support and help can help you improve your grades.
   • Pay attention to the positive things. Promise to fix bad grades.
   • Show the report card to your parents. Your parents will get even angrier if you try to hide your true grades. Therefore, do not fake estimates. Let your parents know what you are going to do to improve your grades.
   • Don't say, "My classmates are constantly talking and distracting me." This will show that you are trying to avoid responsibility. Be honest and be prepared to take responsibility for your wrong actions.
   • Prepare for the worst case scenario, but at the same time, stay positive.
   • Some parents expect a lot from their children. Ask your parents for help if you don't understand something. They will most likely be willing to help you.

   Warnings

   • Show your parents a bad grade when they are in a good mood. Otherwise, they may take out their aggression on you.
   • Don't forge your parents' signatures. The teacher can tell your parents about it.
   • Don't hide your diary or report card. Sooner or later, your parents will find out everything, and this can make them angry.
   • In some cultures, especially in Asian countries, you may not be able or even want to follow the steps above. In these countries, parents expect results from their children. Children do their best to meet the requirements of their parents. Even if you do your best, it will be difficult for parents to understand you if you do not get a positive result.
   • Your idea of ​​what good grades should be like may be different from your parents'. Even if you manage to improve your grades to an average level, your parents may require you to become an excellent student.
   • Don't be afraid to talk to your parents about bad grades. Parents will surely forget and forgive everything. Don't worry if this takes a long time. Your parents want the best for you.
   • Never lie to your parents. This will only make things worse!

This happens to everyone. The teacher gives you a test or an assignment that you thought you did “excellently” and then your heart drops into your stomach. You have a bad grade, not even an average. Questions flood your mind one after another. How can you improve your academic performance? What will the parents say? What will be the score at the end of the year? In order to get back on track and avoid this mistake in the future, you need to know how to act in this situation correctly. Start with the first step in this guide to learn how to survive a bad grade.

Steps

Part 1

Keep calm

Let the panic pass quickly. When we get a bad grade, we panic (unless you're used to it). It seems to us that we have lost our mind, attention, our talent and strength. But that's not how things are in general. Each of us can stumble. In fact, the mistakes we make in our lives are what make us the people we are, they teach us to improve and achieve better results next time.

Remind yourself that one bad grade won't ruin your entire academic career. A study career is made up of many different tests and tests, not just the assignments and presentations you make in class. It depends on the relationship you build with your teachers; the influence you have on your friends; and most importantly, from what you learn. Judging the success of your academic career by one grade is like judging the success of a party by one guest. Such judgments are far from accurate.

Just to be sure, go back to the test and recalculate your scores. Make sure the teacher didn't make a mistake when calculating your scores or summing up the final grade. Remember, even math teachers make math mistakes!

• If you do find a mistake, check again and then take the time to talk to your teacher. Instead of focusing on the error - "You made a mistake on my test, quickly change my grade!" - try to be more understanding. Remember that honey will attract more bees than vinegar. Try something like this: "Did I notice that it didn't count here, or am I missing something?"

1. Carefully find out what grades your classmates got. You probably won't get too upset if you get a '3' or '3 -' when everyone else gets a '3' as well, because that means you got a normal grade. However, be careful when asking about other people's scores - they may not want to share with you, or they may want to know your result instead.

   • If your teacher proportionally underestimated everyone's grades, then your result will be looked at taking into account the grades of everyone else. Thus, if "4 -" is the maximum score on the test, then it becomes a "five", and a "three" becomes a "four".

   Part 2

   Seeking help to improve the situation

   1. Talk to your teacher about possible ways to improve the situation. Teachers love it when students who get bad grades show a desire to learn and improve. This makes teachers feel successful, doing the right thing. Therefore, if you approach your teacher and say something like "Hello, Yulia Sergeevna, I didn't like the way I performed on the test. Can you forget about it somehow and work on writing a better next paper?" , your teacher will simply pass out from satisfaction.

      • Even if it's difficult for you, you can get a lot of good out of meeting your teacher:
        • The tutor will explain to you the problems you got wrong and the ideas you didn't get.
        • The instructor will see that you want to learn and can take that into account in your final grade.
        • The teacher can give you an assignment for extra points.

   2. Ask for help from students who did better on the test. Helping others is rewarding, which is why many students who do well on paper help those who do poorly. Just make sure that you really spend time studying and working, and not joking and chattering. And try to choose someone you don't think is very attractive, and who you don't have a secret crush on - we all know what "study" is like when we're in the same room with a handsome guy or a beautiful girl.

      Consider telling your parents about the bad grade. Although you don't have to, it's still a good idea to talk to your parents about this. Your parents are worried about your progress. That's why they care about your poor grades - not because they want to make you feel bad. Keeping this in mind will make it easier for you to open up to them and hopefully get the help and support you need.

      • Your parents can sit down and explain to you what you did wrong; they can hire a tutor to help you with your studies; they may also make an appointment with your teacher (although it's unusual to do so after one bad grade) to find out how you can improve your grades.

   Part 3

   Success in the next test

   1. Practice effectively, not necessarily for a long time. Many people think that learning the right way means learning for a long time. This is not always true. Purposeful study with enthusiasm often wins over long hours of monotonous work.

      Write down your notes and comments by hand, not on a computer or laptop. Research has shown that writing with pen and paper improves your memory, as opposed to simply typing on a computer. This is due to the fact that writing letters and numbers activates the parts of the brain responsible for motor memory. Improving motor memory means improving memory in general and remembering the information that you write down.

      Take a break from time to time to refresh your memory. 10-minute breaks once an hour help memorize and master the material.

Yes, about anything - that the child already knows the program, that this subject is not interesting to him, that he is taught poorly ...

Yes, about anything - about the fact that the child already knows the program, that this subject is not interesting to him, that he is taught poorly ... But definitely not about the real level of knowledge.

There is a school stereotype: to take place in life, you need to be an excellent student, or at least study well. On the other hand, the names of famous personalities who were round losers are well known: Winston Churchill, Bill Gates, Alexander Pushkin, finally.

Today we will talk about the first meeting of the MythBusters with experts and psychologists, parents and schoolchildren, which was held by career guidance service "Profilum" to understand : what should schools and parents do with C students?

The attitude of parents to the grades that children receive at school is ambiguous. Someone thinks that triples are bad, others are sure that it is triples that will make up the future creative class. Schoolchildren are often told that bad grades, including "triples", will become an obstacle in life: you will pass the exam poorly, you will not enter a good university, and it is not clear how you will live on. Is it really?

Stories of two Dim

Dima, graduated from high school a few years ago:

In middle and junior school everything was very smooth, but in high school teachers and parents had great difficulty in explaining how this or that knowledge would be useful to me in the future. To any questions I was answered “it will be needed at the university” or “it is necessary”. Fortunately, my high school was specialized, we were given programming, level 1-2 algorithms at the university. These items were led by a specialist from a real company, and it was very easy for me to work with him, I understood what all this was for. There were also useless knowledge, for example, in geography we studied the economy of Sudan. Why is she to me?

Dima, a second-grader, doesn't like anything at school at all, and therefore he goes to school "so as not to upset his mother."

Mom of the second grader Dima:

I transferred my son to another class, where they ask less. But, unfortunately, Dima lost his desire to study, because the class was much weaker, and the program had already been completed. We partially solved the problem of interest in learning by playing the form of learning at home. In a playful way, Dima learns everything very well.

The role of the school is changing

These are just two examples of why kids can get bad grades, including compromise C's. School marks are only an indirect indicator of knowledge. The real problem is the lack of motivation to learn the material. In this case, parents are looking for an opportunity to give their child a better education, to approach this issue outside the box.

Mark Sartan, Head of the Center for the Development of Educational Systems "Smart School"

The school must respond to the requests of parents. Do we have a choice today, which school to send the child to? Actually no! Therefore, parents have to finish what the teachers could not. But the very fact that parents are wondering “what to do?” if the child has “bad grades” suggests that the problem can be solved.

The role of the school in people's lives has changed over the years. Previously, those who could not cope were sent "to Kamchatka", and then expelled from school. Today, the child cannot even be left for the second year, although some parents even ask for this for educational purposes.

Ludmila Petranovskaya,

The chances of people who can only sit still and perform simple algorithmic operations turn out to be zero, since machines today are already in many aspects more efficient than people. Schoolchildren need a new approach, new knowledge. At the same time, the problem of a delayed pedagogical result, when a student does not understand why he is given this or that knowledge, is compensated by grades that replace motivation. But the generation of digital natives who learn to use a touchscreen before they can talk, esports and vlogs need a completely different approach. Unlike past generations, they may wonder, “Why do I need this?”, and trying to get them to study with bad grades is almost useless.

Nina Dobrynchenko-Matusevich, leader of the Parents League, active mother of three children

Today, education is no longer a social lift and by itself cannot pull anyone anywhere. People are aware of this situation, but react in the old fashioned way. They offer to return the education system that helped us and our parents, only to make it stronger and better. Instead, it is necessary to create new formats for learning and assessing the acquired knowledge.

Statistics show that Russian estimates are far removed from reality. If in the USA each point at school gives an increase in salary by 7%, then in Russia there is a decrease in salaries by 7% with an increase in the average score - due to the career bias in the academic environment, where the level of pay is lower. In our country, work experience is more important. HSE studies have shown that if a person worked somewhere while studying, his salary is 33% higher. At the same time, work during study, as a rule, does not affect academic performance.

Evaluation corrupts both the school and the education system

In general, as psychologists note, grades often turn into a leitmotif: in most cases, no one is interested in what a child really knows - what matters is what grades he brings.

Maria Voloshina, practicing psychologist in the education system

Choosing a teacher for a child is an almost inaccessible option. It is important to understand how to support a parent and a child in real reality. The help of a school psychologist for a parent is to help him “unstick” the assessment from the child. Help the parent understand what his child is like, what is good about him? - such questions lead parents into a stupor. It’s good when a parent sits down with a child and starts to figure it out, sees progress, works on mistakes

For assessments to be objective, there must be clear criteria so that the result can be understood and challenged. For example, in Western countries, colleges are ranked according to the average salaries of graduates, applicants are well aware of what score they need to score at the end of their studies at school, and this allows us to talk about the balanced role of grades in a person's life.

Ludmila Petranovskaya, psychologist, blogger, author of several books, founder of the Institute for the Development of Family Organization

In a psychological context, we must understand that when using evaluation to express a subjective attitude, the fear of a bad evaluation of the child is inevitably formed. It is necessary to separate the wheat from the chaff, to assess the actions, knowledge, deeds of a person from the assessment of the person himself. Educators should evaluate the specific actions of children in the educational process. It is necessary to evaluate how the child learns, how he communicates with the outside world.

What should be the score?

In order for assessment not to be a limiting factor in the development of the child, parents, teachers and the children themselves need to change their attitude towards mistakes, since they are an element of a natural stage of learning. According to psychologists, there are three levels of motivation: passion, overcoming, avoidance. And if today the “troika” can form precisely the pattern of avoidance in a person, it is necessary to work in every way to ensure that such a mark stimulates overcoming, and even better - to an enthusiastic study of the subject.

Vitaly Altukhov, Head of Development and Research Department "Profilum"

School grade is too generalized and relative. It does not allow to judge the real potential of the child. To reveal it, you need to use additional metrics - to assess the real interests and abilities of the child, as well as to identify talents that may not appear at school. Our technology allows you to comprehensively assess the potential of the child, identify his true talents, and selects specific options for professions, optimal extracurricular courses and career trajectories for them.published

Are you sure that your child should study only excellently? Have you heard anything about? Then this confession of the mother of many children, Elena Kucherenko, is for you.

When our eldest daughter Varya went to school, I made a terrible mistake, which I am still correcting. I told her that I was an excellent student and expect the same from her.

The first couple of years everything was fine. She studied well, reported on her successes, we all rejoiced at her fives, were proud, etc. I didn't even check her notebooks, let alone check her electronic diary.

But one day I took some of her notebook, leafed through and saw a trio painted over with a pencil.

“Varya, what is this?” I asked sternly. My daughter cried and admitted that she was afraid that I would find out and scold her. It would be nice to have a four, but a three! “You said that I should be an excellent student!”

My daughter was afraid to tell me that something didn’t work out for her at school, you know?!?! I myself, with my own hands, built this wall of fear and mistrust between us. And what it would eventually lead to, I don’t even dare to imagine, if I hadn’t leafed through that ill-fated notebook.

To be honest, at that moment I was even confused and did not know what to do. I just hugged her, told her that I loved her, and asked me to never lie again. And don't be afraid. And she went into another room to think. And cry.

She recalled how the son of acquaintances ended up in a madhouse, because dad and mom demanded fives from him, success, diplomas, a great future and that they should not be ashamed of him. As a result, the guy's nerves and psyche simply could not stand it. And the worst thing is that he did not want to return home from the “durki”. Because, as he later admitted, only there he could breathe easy, because in the hospital he was not required to be someone's pride and reach some heights. And it was not necessary to get fives to be loved.

“And so I will never be,” I was sure.

And my Varya cried, painted over the top three and was worried that she would not be able to become an excellent student, like her mother ... Like her bad mother!

“Yes, Varya, your mother was an excellent student at school. And I graduated from the Institute with honors. But her most important exam - on the ability to be a good mother - she passed with a solid deuce ... Yes, what a deuce there is! On stake!"…

No, I didn't say it to her, but to myself. And I realized that now we have a lot to fix. And first of all, to me - in myself.

I remembered how worried she was before each control. Now I knew why. How worried because of the fours ... And it was a wrong, unhealthy experience.

Don't think I didn't love her any less because of those fours, and even more so because of that blacked-out three. And at that moment it seemed to me that I love her even more than ever. I felt so sorry for her, to tears! And you have no idea how much I hated myself!

I'm exactly like those parents whose son jumped out of the window. And no better than those who ended up in the hospital. And I'm sure those people weren't bad, they just wanted the best. We all want the best, but sometimes we do it very wrong.

I myself, wishing the best, with my own hands, make my child unhappy. Herself! My good, beloved girl! Which is my first assistant at home and is trying so hard to please, support, and make my “large” life easier.

How easy it is to make a mistake and how difficult it is to correct it. I later told her many, many times that I love her not for grades, but not for anything at all, and I will always love her, no matter what happens! And what - well, her, this “excellent student”. The main thing is not five. The main thing is to try, to do everything in your power, so that your conscience is calm. And there come what may.

I saw that Varya was still worried at first when she got fours (fours !!!). And then there was a moment when she relaxed and decided that this “paradigm shift” of mine meant that she could “forget” to study, because her mother “realized everything” and she would not get anything for it.

By the fourth grade, thank God, everything got better. Well, we have a couple of fours, so what ... Varyusha even once told me: “Mom, remember, I was afraid that you would be upset if I wasn’t an excellent student? Do you remember? It was so hard for me to study then! I only thought about marks! And when we talked, it became so easy and interesting for me at school! Can you imagine?.. And when I grow up, I want to become an elementary school teacher!”

True, we recently had these GIA (or USE) at the end of the fourth grade, the meaning of which, to be honest, is incomprehensible to me. How incomprehensible is much in the current school curriculum. Varya was very worried before each exam and kept asking: “And if I don’t pass, they won’t transfer me, right?” That's why small children need all this hassle, explain?

And the day before yesterday there was a graduation ceremony at Varya's school. Awarded certificates to excellent students. And in the end, several people came up to me in turn and asked in surprise: “Well, isn’t Varya an excellent student?” “No, not an excellent student!” I answered. And with inner relief I realized that I was not at all offended because of this. I have a beautiful, smart, kind girl, and most importantly, that she be happy.

True, Varya heard all this and then asked me: “Is it really bad that I’m not an excellent student?” (apparently, that mistake of mine is still deeply embedded in it). "No, not bad. The main thing is that you tried, daughter!”…

Our second daughter, Sonya, is going to school in September. I so hope not to repeat such mistakes with her ... And so I'm afraid to repeat them ... But the main thing is that I realized that you can’t blame her for her grades. You need to love, help, support, believe in a child, in anyone. And to make him believe in us - in mom and dad. And not afraid.

And about these marks… Someone writes that they should not be given at all. I don't know. There are probably children who need them. Something is needed that would demonstrate what they have achieved or what needs to be worked on.