Because we don't expect betrayal?
We are in the impulses of our noble
For some reason we give them hope

To shelter and friendship to the grave,
Seeing the sparkle of pleading eyes...
After all, such a test hurts them,
Passing pity in us.

Looking at passers-by trustingly:
"Maybe someone will take me too,
Maybe this smiling uncle
Behind you, in broad daylight,

Call, lead, warm,
Become a friend until the day of sorrow
And no one will ever dare
Separate me from a person?

Eh, dogs, draw mongrels,
Nobody needs you at all
Forever you stay under the bench
In a dissolutely living country,

Where people are not brothers to each other,
Step over when you fall
Not sparing a dashing curse,
If it doesn't look good.

Past the dirty corners of the gates
Indifferently-squeamishly we go...

Because we do not expect betrayal.

Reviews

Like this...
Bitter questions...
Perhaps a person feels more powerful next to a weak creation of nature. Strong animals also recognize the strength of the human spirit.
.... We are touched when Americans nurse a kangaroo, the size of a mouse, or a leopard paralyzed from birth ... Americans are darlings? Well no...
It is they who hang blinders on other people's eyes and noodles on their ears. And in the meantime, they themselves are organizing actions to intimidate the community of countries in the eastern hemisphere of the earth, nurturing ISIS and demonstrative executions.
Feeding the Maidan, growing non-humans there ...
Here they have a different strategy - to prove that they are "true people".

Do you like Dolsky's songs? This is in response to your poem about rain in Petersburg.

Lumiko! I used to love listening to bards when I was young. I still remember many, but I don’t remember who wrote this or that.
And I consider music the highest of all arts, there is my poem about it. I will forward to you.

MUSIC
(Vladimir Korn-Berezovsky)
***************************
I'm not looking for words for a long time:
No one has come up with these
My head swells from thoughts
I'll go crazy on a moonlit night.

And it faded, and that's it,
Though it seems to be the best in the world,
But still, like an old coat -
Not that it, and those, not these,

What should a woman say
When love flows through the heart...
But how to convey the feeling
And why am I itching?

There is only one music
Can speak clearly, clearly
That it was not given to me in vain
And, like love, always beautiful.

What a great man
Collected seven notes and wove this
That a short age lives in us,
Flowing light, alive?

Of course, the one who was in love,
But I did not find the answer in the words,
Was intoxicated by the sound of the flute,
And the gentle singing of the clarinet,

And a whirlwind of a frisky bow,
And keys with an easy game ...
Oh what a divine river
Flowing like a living melody!

I'm dumb, crazy, amazed
This incomprehensibility of comparison,
That the lady-music is captivated:
Their two sisters are one creation!

I don't wander in the world of words
One melody sound
Tell me more about love
Than the best words of charm.

Lumiko, sorry for the talkativeness - accept one more thing about music!
********************************
GREAT ART
(Vladimir Korn-Berezovsky)
***************************
You are the highest art of magic!
Nothing compares to your strength!
Creation of souls, where feelings triumph
Caresses the heart with a gentle right hand,

Inexplicable, fabulous wave...
Instantaneous wave-movement of the conductor,
And the first sound, and into a completely different world
You, dissolving, pass quickly.

And all the past is somewhere behind
Rejected, left behind the wall ...
Tragedy and joy rage in the chest,
And you came to life, and again became yourself.

Feelings returned, love was remembered,
Resentment, pain experienced ...
And you want to dissolve in it again,
To be in the sounding realm of the saint,

And being is a plexus of different notes:
Here it is light, and there it is insanely sad,
The concerto flows with infinity...
Our whole life is Great Art!

Vladimir, your poems are sincere, real. You are lucky to be born and live in the city of arts!
How are musical images that shake the soul born? For me, too, this is a matter of divine mystery. But now it has become technically possible to record the field radiation of the planets, the rhythm of the sun's oscillations, even the rhythm of various human organs - and these rhythms, translated into sound frequencies, give ... the sounds of classical music. Here in the Internet you can find the sound of the Earth and other planets... True, the sound of the Earth is disturbing, even frightening. But cosmic sounds are a whole range from birdsong to human voices.
If you want, then go to contact - Lyudmila Korchagina-Lyu.

Every person in a difficult life situation, at times, felt sorry for himself. The devastating feeling that arises from resentment towards the whole world can hardly be called pleasant. But it is one thing when we feel sorry for ourselves in extremely tragic events, and another thing is constant self-pity.

What to do if the world before your eyes is mired in sadness and despondency, and any criticism is perceived through the prism of resentment? So how do you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start life from a new leaf?

Self-pity: what is it and what does it represent?

To begin an effective fight against self-pity, you need to understand what it is. Pity is not a negative feeling, it is not ashamed to experience it. But constantly feeling sorry for ourselves, excuses, we don’t even notice how we lose our purposefulness, positive attitude, thirst for life. Turning into whiners, we sink deeper and deeper into the world of pessimism and despondency.

So, you need to know the enemy in person, so let's highlight the main types of self-pity:

motivating

Pathological

The motivating kind of pity met every person. Such pity arises in a difficult life situation. For example, you were fired from your job with a clear explanation of the reasons with which you strongly disagree. You go home and along the way you are strangled by resentment, a sense of an unfair decision, fear of an unexpected situation. There are a lot of thoughts in my head, and they all come down to one thing - I don't deserve this. This thought provokes an analysis of all your positive qualities, and, oddly enough, there are a great many of them. So a person comes to the idea that he is good, hardworking and kind and much more, but life is unfair to him, and people too.

However, motivating pity, although it lowers us to the bottom of despondency and sadness for several days, later allows us to gather all our strength and push off from this bottom. After a few days, as mentioned above, we begin to review the situation, change its assessment, gain self-confidence and solve the pressing problem.

The most severe is pathological self-pity. Such pity develops against the backdrop of a long series of troubles due to the lack of the opportunity to "push off from the bottom."

Pathological self-pity plunges a person into a depressive state, as a result of which he ceases to believe in himself, loses adequate self-esteem and love for his work (hobby, work). People who constantly feel sorry for themselves poorly perform the work entrusted to them, do not find contact with others and, as a result, lose their former environment around them.

It is important to note that the skilled manipulators that exist in almost any group of people, be it family or circle of friends, are very fond of feeling sorry for themselves and deserve a mention in this article. So, we can remember an elderly grandmother or mother who grabs her heart every time she is not satisfied with the course of events, or perhaps a colleague who is ready to talk all day about non-existent sores just so as not to stay out of hours.

Why do people feel sorry for themselves: reasons

So why do people feel sorry for themselves? Maybe if we consider the reasons, you can warn yourself or loved ones from this feeling. There are many reasons why we feel sorry for ourselves:

Tendency to envy

Envy is the engine of self-flagellation. Looking at the successes of others, comparing ourselves with peers, colleagues, relatives, friends at school or college, we understand that we have not achieved certain heights. Thus, it is easier to think that life is unfair to us than it is to admit that the years and opportunities gone by have been missed.

prone to laziness

Of course, it is much more convenient to blame mother, father, distant relatives, religion, the economy, the state and life itself for your failures. But the reality is that you don't succeed because you don't put in the necessary effort. In simple words, be lazy. Often self-pity is inherent in people who are accustomed to blaming everyone for everything.

way to get attention

If a person does not know how to attract the attention of the opposite sex, or even a friend, then often he chooses not the best topic for conversation - personal problems, whining. It is a mistake to assume that the interlocutor is interested in listening to this for a long time. So whining is what people who need attention but have no idea how to get it resort to.

How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start life from a new leaf

It takes a lot of effort to stop feeling sorry for yourself. At a minimum, you will need a strong desire and willpower.

Admit there is a problem

Many have heard that being aware of your problem is the first step to success. And indeed it is. The fight against self-pity will not be effective if you unconsciously, in general, and consider yourself a whiner. It is important not just to agree with the arguments of a psychologist, friend or relative that you really tend to feel sorry for yourself, but to understand the causes, consequences, losses, and so on. Real awareness of the problem is 50% of its solution.

Identify situations that trigger self-pity

It is very important to understand in what specific situations you begin to feel sorry for yourself. So, having remembered the results of the analysis, it is much easier during a turning point to realize your condition and find a way out of it.

Identify losses and rewards

Answer the questions: “What will I lose if I stop feeling sorry for myself”, “What will I gain?”, “Will working on myself improve or worsen my life?”.

Plan and image

It is much easier to start change when there is a structured sequence of actions and an ideal visual image. Make a plan and draw yourself - happy and optimistic in difficult times.

External changes

Of course, in order to feel the “spirit of a new life”, it is recommended to start with external changes, despite the fact that the goal is internal changes. Transform your hair, visit make-up courses, buy a beautiful casual dress and life will sparkle with new colors.

Internal changes

Internal change is hard work. You can seek the help of a psychologist or you can figure it out on your own. Try to move away from your usual point of view, look at each situation from a different angle, try yourself in new hobbies, try on different manners and tactics of behavior.

Dealing with self-pity is difficult, but it is possible. The main thing is to have a desire and not give up.

Look for who benefits

This ancient principle of Roman law is not just for lawyers. In psychology, it works the same way. Of course, it is hard to believe that all the professional sufferers you have met in your life have benefited from their experiences, but it is so.

So, let's try to find out what exactly pushes a person to lament like a Hasid at the Wailing Wall.

1. It takes us back to childhood

Someone in childhood received support in exchange for whining. Such a person, deep down, wants to climb onto his mother’s knees again and tell her about all his sorrows, despite the fact that he has long been able to crush his mother with his weight. This desire is fraught with bad consequences for relationships: it is unlikely that your loved one will like that he is constantly used as a vest. Still, everyone wants the partner to see himself in a person, and not his mother or father. Even if at first he takes on the role of a parent, in the end he will get tired of it. Your knees will come apart and you will crash on the floor.

2. It allows you to just suffer without doing anything.

Self-pity is a feeling that paralyzes any activity. Anna Vladimirskaya, a psychologist at the Sideta-center (www.sideta-center.ru), says:“Self-pity is a feeling that is definitely destructive, as it is closely related to the feeling of hopelessness. It doesn't matter what the person is worried about. It is important that he does not see a favorable solution to the problem. Feeling sorry for themselves, people specifically place accents: it does not matter that I courageously fight against fate - I am doomed to lose. Self-pity emphasizes the hopelessness of the situation. And the more hopeless she looks, the stronger the pity becomes. If the feeling is fleeting, then it will not bring devastating consequences. But if it appears regularly, then a person is captured by him. One who indulges in self-pity cannot act, because action immediately destroys this feeling.

3. This removes the responsibility for what is happening.

"I'm not like that - life is like that." A person who is inclined to feel sorry for himself will blame others for all his troubles. Such a position, of course, can be called childish.

“A person in a state of acute self-pity feels small and weak. Surrounding at this moment appear in the form of offenders. Because of this distorted view, self-pity is dangerous not only for the person himself. Pity is very different from self-compassion, which is characteristic of harmonious people in moments of mental fatigue or adversity. It's pretty easy to tell one from the other. When a person feels sorry for himself, he builds in his head a special image of himself in reality, where his suffering meets a cold or aggressive response from the environment. The environment can be understood as the human community as a whole or its individual representatives.

4. This allows you to receive emotional support from others.

In his book People Who Play Games, psychologist Eric Berne outlined many scenarios in which a person's communication with the world can proceed. According to Berne, we all first of all crave acceptance, the so-called emotional strokes. Someone achieves them, boasting of successes, and someone - aloud pitying himself.

Anna Vladimirskaya says:“Psychological games are varied, but at the heart of each of them is the receipt of emotional benefits. People whining about the fact that everything is bad for them often do not expect practical advice from their loved ones and are even offended when they are given it. They need to feed on empathy. One of the types of energy vampirism is the game "Yes, but ...". In the course of it, people manipulate the self-sympathy of others in order to justify their inaction. The game follows simple rules. Your friend Masha complains to you about problems at work. While she is sobbing in three streams, you put forward versions of how to improve the situation. But they all stumble upon an impenetrable Mashino: "Yes, but ...". And now you feel like a squeezed lemon, and Masha, cheered up for some unknown reason, chirps cheerfully. In order to prevent the player in “Yes, but ...” from emotionally refreshing at your expense, you need to unravel the scenario of his game. Then it is easy to respond in such a way that his game fails.

Here's how others do it:

Ivan, 26 years old: “If someone starts to mope because of what I don’t consider a reason for sadness, I begin to logically analyze the problems of a person who is emotionally upset. As a result, he either nevertheless realizes everything from the position of logic and calms down, or goes even deeper into self-digging, considering me an insensitive blockhead.

Olga, 25 years old: “Furious self-pity in my presence makes me want to get up and go out. Firstly, I perceive this as a rather intimate process, and secondly, I don’t like it when they try to “dissolve” me into emotions. If this trick is repeated with me often, I can be rude. I once told a friend who was suffering from a relationship with a man that she was a doormat, not someone I know. She was offended, but it helped.

Natalya, 31 years old: “I am quite an active person, so I often tend to understand complaints about life as a hint that some kind of help is expected from me. Sometimes I run into the fact that a person was waiting for this “just to regret”. But I don’t have the culture of this “regret”, so I really don’t understand when it is necessary to “regret”, and when - to give money, to punch the offender in the face, to give the country coal ... My acquaintances have already sworn off me with this.

Victims of self-pity, according to Anna of Vladimirskaya go in a vicious circle: “Any proposal to improve the situation is perceived by them as impossible. If self-pity is sincere, then the person begins to feel the hopelessness of trying to break out of the circle and becomes depressed from a sense of weakness. Another version of the vicious circle is endless conflicts with others. In this state, not so much the person himself seems weak to himself, but the world around him seems unfair to him. Of course, an adequate response to such a state would be retaliatory aggression. Usually the burden of responsibility, guilt and fear of the negative consequences of one's own actions make one feel sorry for oneself. That is, most often this is a defensive phenomenon: “If I am very weak or the world is very angry, then it is not surprising that I lost.”

Compassionate Mine

How to suppress this vile feeling in yourself?

1. Become your own friend

The inner “I” and “You” of a person can communicate very harmoniously, just like people in the outside world. A person who is fortunate enough to grow up in a sense of acceptance and unconditional love is in friendship with himself. Psychologist Erich Fromm argued that the one who loves himself can truly love others. How can you love someone else while denying love to yourself? There is a lot written about the fact that a person should love himself. But it is very difficult to explain how to do this in practice. As a result, the reader slams the magazine shut with the feeling that he has been fooled. In order not to produce such materials, we turned to a specialist for advice.

Anna Vladimirskaya recommends the following:“Identify the cause of your pity and instead of falling into a habitual state of hopeless stupor, ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? How does this benefit me?" Often the cause of self-pity is a strong sense of guilt or the pressure of responsibility. If you are constantly suffering, then first of all you need to soften this feeling and increase faith in yourself. You need to try to catch your sense of strength, ability to act, the state of confident striving for a goal. This is not so easy to do in your head, so it's worth trying to act in reality. If there is someone who will keep from doubting and look realistically at the results of their work, then self-pity will recede.

In especially advanced cases, it is worth contacting a specialist. Among the various psychotherapies presented today is the Carl Rogers method, a client-centered approach aimed at teaching the client to relate to himself with friendly acceptance. The effect of therapy is achieved by the fact that the therapist does not give you direct advice. By his attitude, by his desire to understand the client's frame of reference, the therapist gradually teaches him to treat himself in the same way.

Emily Bronte

We are all well aware of such a feeling as pity, which, on the one hand, seems to be a very good and in some cases even a necessary quality for a person, and at the same time it often betrays us, making us feel sorry for people who absolutely do not deserve any pity. . Or there are even worse situations when a person feels sorry for himself and thus indulges his weakness, looks for an excuse for his failures and shifts responsibility for them to other people. Such pity, no doubt, is to the detriment of a person. And here the question arises - how, in fact, to distinguish useful pity from harmful, and how to suppress this harmful pity in yourself? Here, in this article, let's answer this and some other, also very important questions related to the feeling of pity, and at the same time find out what pity is.

First of all, I will give a brief definition of pity, so that we all perfectly understand what we are dealing with. Pity is a feeling of discomfort, which manifests itself in the form of condescending compassion, condolences, mercy, sadness, regret. We can experience this feeling both in relation to ourselves and in relation to other people. I would also say that pity is one of the forms of a person's dependence on society, this is when it comes to pity for other people. Because, pitying other people, a person partly pities himself, because at this moment he treats other people the way he would like them to treat him when he finds himself in the same situation as they are. And the fact that we or other people need pity in certain situations, and nothing else, we not only and even not so much understand as we feel. After all, where did we get the idea that people need to be pitied? We feel it, right? We not only know about it, but we feel that people in this or that situation need to be pitied, since we ourselves feel the need for self-pity from time to time. Is this good or bad? Let's figure it out.

Pity for others

To begin with, let's look at pity for other people with you in order to understand when and why we pity someone and where this pity leads us. Usually we proceed from certain ideas about good and evil, about good and bad, about right or wrong, when we do something, in this case, we pity someone. Also, we impose the situation in which the other person found himself on ourselves, and thus, pitying him, we seem to pity ourselves. That is, we proceed from the fact that in a certain situation a person needs to be pitied, namely pitied, not cheered up, not ignored, not something else to be done with him, namely pitied. Therefore, finding ourselves in exactly the same situation, we expect that we will also be pitied. And what happens to us in the end? And what happens is that in some situations, our pity really benefits both ourselves and the people we pity, while in others it harms them, and us, or only us. Well, for example, you felt sorry for your child, who fell, say, from a swing and hit hard. He is hurt, offended, he needs support from you, which you can give him in the form of pity. He wants to be pitied, and you do. And when you feel sorry for him, you thus show him your love and care, which strengthens his trust in you and lays in him the seed of love for other people, first of all for you. That is, when we pity someone, we show this person that we are not indifferent to him, and in some cases we let him know that we love him, that we sympathize with him, that we share with him his pain, suffering, resentment and etc. In such situations, pity is very useful. Kindness itself is very useful - it makes us human.

So we need to be able to feel sorry for people, even if not all and not always, but in general we must be able to do this, because this is a very useful skill. After all, many people need pity, especially children, who expect it first of all from their parents. But many adults also love to be pitied. People expect pity from others, they often count on it, they look for it. And if you can give them this pity when it is required, you will enter into their confidence, which sometimes, you will agree, is very important for establishing useful connections. If you are a ruthless, cold person, indifferent to other people, not doing anything good for them, then you are unlikely to be able to enlist their support when you need it. Few people are eager to help those who themselves never help anyone. So pity, as one of the manifestations of kindness, in this world has its price. Although often people take advantage of our pity, in the most ruthless and immoral way. They can manipulate us with it or just be ungrateful that we took pity on them. It is what it is. I am sure you have come across such people who spat in your soul in response to your pity and kindness. However, because of people like this, we should not think that our pity is our enemy. This is not true. Our pity can also be our ally, helping us to establish warm and friendly relations with many people, especially with those who are commonly called normal people. Therefore, it is not worth worrying too much about the problems that you have because of the manifestation of this feeling. You just need to start controlling it in order to understand who and in what situation you should feel sorry for, and who should be treated coldly and with indifference. Now, let's turn our attention to this.

What is important to consider here? It is important to always consider your benefit, first of all in the medium and long term, in order to understand what your act, that is, your manifestation of pity in this or that situation, will lead you to in the end. Let's say you took pity on a person and did something nice for him. And it doesn't seem to do anything for you. The person has disappeared from your life or continues to live as he lived, not considering it necessary to somehow thank you for your help, for your kindness. And now you think that you took pity on the person, but there is zero sense in this. And you may start to regret your actions. Still, what can I say, not always and not all of us are ready to do it completely disinterestedly. But don't jump to conclusions. Everything is not so obvious here. Firstly, as you know, they don’t look for good from good, and if you took pity on someone and helped someone, then you shouldn’t think that this person now owes you. Pity and kindness, these are not things that need to be traded, although people manage to do this too. And secondly, if we talk about the benefits, then how do you know when and in what form you will receive it? That is, how do you know in what form your good will return to you?

Understand that the effect of one or another of our actions is always much larger than what we can see and understand, and therefore it is much more difficult to evaluate it. In addition, this effect is stretched over time and you never know what your act will eventually lead you to in the long run. When you feel sorry for another person, even an ungrateful one, you show yourself as a person, as a person, not only to him, but also to other people who form their opinion about you based on your act and according to their beliefs and values. That is, by your act you tell other people what kind of person you are. And when a certain opinion is formed about you, as a rule, positive, because kind people are loved, even though they are not always respected and appreciated, but they are loved, then all normal people know that you are the person who it makes sense to help, suggest, who can be pitied if you need it. Therefore, even if not the person whom you took pity on and whom you helped will help you in return, but many other people, knowing about your good deed, can do it for him. In addition, some people do not thank immediately, but after some time, when they have such an opportunity. You, I repeat, taking pity on a person, showed him yourself, you showed that you can be humane, and this, whatever you say, inspires confidence. Thus, by helping other people, including pitying them, you can earn yourself a good reputation - a reputation as a normal, sympathetic, kind person. That is, you make a name for yourself with your good deeds, which, as you know, can work for a person all his life.

Of course, any, even the most kind and honest name can be defiled, denigrated, discredited. But, you know, friends, when you yourself personally know well a person with whom you have dealt many times and who never let you down, did not deceive you, did not use you, but, on the contrary, helped you, you will never believe in any filth that his ill-wishers will spread about him. Therefore, if you took pity on someone, someone who really needed it and deserved it, then be sure that he will most likely begin to think very well of you and will never believe someone who will speak badly of you. So from this point of view, showing pity in those situations when you need to help a person, support him, restore his faith in the best, faith in himself, and not think about how beneficial it is for you right now, can be very beneficial. In the future, your past actions can help you very well. People, whatever they may be, for the most part, still try to reach out to good, kind, normal people who can be trusted and relied on.

But, not everything is as simple and beautiful as we would like. If our goodness always returned to us like a boomerang, we would all be very kind and would constantly help each other and pity each other. However, in real life, a good deed, a good deed, is not only not always rewarded, and sometimes punished, but it is not always a good deed and a good deed. You may be mistaken in thinking that by pitying this or that person, in one way or another, you have done a good deed. Our pity can turn out to be very harmful, and therefore, as I said at the very beginning, we must be able to distinguish it from useful pity. Let's take another example of pity. Suppose you feel sorry for someone, for example, the same child, while trying to save him from pain, not letting him on the same swing from which he can fall, trying to shield him from difficulties, relieving him of hard work, for example, while studying, protecting him from fear, protecting him from unpleasant information, from suffering, and also protecting him from meeting bad people, from your point of view, and so on. So, with all these prohibitions and excessive concern for your child, you prevent him from fully developing, gaining useful life experience, preventing him from overcoming difficulties, preventing him from learning to get up after a fall. That is, such an excessive, inappropriate, wrong pity prevents a person from becoming stronger. This certainly harms him, and it is especially harmful for a child who needs to learn to live in the real world, and not hide in the “greenhouse” you created for him. Do you understand what is the problem here? We must be able to fall and we must be able to rise, and on our own, without outside help to be as fit as possible for life. And this needs to be learned. And in order to learn this, you cannot avoid difficulties, you cannot avoid pain, you cannot protect yourself from everything that you do not like and what you are afraid of. And even more so, you can not protect other people from this, in particular children, especially children for whom it is important to learn to be strong. Therefore, the child and in general any person must suffer. You see, you must. And if someone's pity prevents him from doing this, then it simply harms him. After all, when we get used to this pity, we only look for it later everywhere, instead of struggling with difficulties, overcoming them and always relying primarily on our own strengths.

In addition, often our pity fails us, I am sure you know this very well. It happens that you take pity on a person, help him, and then he will do something bad to you in return. Let him not do it on purpose, but by inertia, for example, he will climb on your neck and ask you to help him all the time. As a result, it will turn out, as in that parable about the donkey and the bull, in which the simple-hearted donkey, wanting to help the bull, began to do hard work for him, that is, he shouldered his burden, to his own detriment. Such pity on your part will just make a fool of you. In addition, some people are known to perceive someone else's pity as a weakness and use it - pressing on this feeling in order to gain some benefit. This is a very ugly and even nasty manipulation, which is used, for example, by the same beggars who do not want to work. And we, it seems, with all our heart to the person, feel sorry for him, we want to help him, but he spoils our soul. Familiar situation, That's it. That is why it is important to understand who and in what situations deserves our pity, and who does not. Let's return to this issue a little later, below I will tell you about how to get rid of a feeling of pity, that's where we will raise it again. In the meantime, let's talk a little about an equally harmful form of pity—self-pity.

Self pity

Self-pity is a very harmful habit for a person, developed as a result of his inability to cope with difficulties, his inability to solve problems and his lack of faith in himself. It may be due to the fact that in childhood a person was pitied too much and too often, as a result of which the line between the manifestation of his parents' love for him and that very excessive concern for him, which I wrote about above, simply simply disappeared. That is, excessive concern for a person - went to his detriment. In such cases, they say: “If you want to destroy a person, start pitying him.” And I would clarify - if you want to destroy a person, pity or pity him. That will be more correct. And in the end, what happens is that a person is used to pity, he does not perceive his weakness as something wrong, abnormal, unnecessary for him, which he needs to get rid of, but instead he can even enjoy it. So, from a seemingly noble deed, pity can turn into one of the forms of a person’s dependence on external circumstances and other people, with which a person can live all his life. After all, it is always easier to justify your weakness, laziness, stupidity, your mistakes than to correct them. And in order to do this, you need to feel sorry for yourself, make yourself a victim of circumstances in your own eyes, and, if possible, in the eyes of other people, so that they pat on the head and wipe the snot. All this, of course, is very touching, but not useful.

Some people love to suffer, to cry, to complain about their lives, to pour out their souls to someone in order to calm themselves. And you know that, sometimes, I emphasize, sometimes, they really need it in order to unload, cleanse themselves of bad thoughts, get rid of pain, from that unnecessary burden that has accumulated in their soul as a result of an unfavorable combination of circumstances and their own mistakes. But such cleansing should not become an end in itself. You can’t feel sorry for yourself all the time, just to do nothing and blame circumstances and other people for everything, and even yourself, if only, I repeat, do nothing. Pity - it's like a sting - stings right in the heart, and we ourselves do it with ourselves, we sting ourselves, we ourselves suppress our will when we pity ourselves. So you need to get rid of harmful pity, and below we will talk about how to do it.

How to get rid of feelings of pity

Well, now let's look at the most, probably, the most important question for some of you - the question of how to get rid of feelings of pity. From the very pity that harms you and prevents you from achieving your goals. Of course, I understand very well that sometimes it is necessary to make this difficult choice for many of us - between other people's interests, other people's well-being and personal gain, and it must be done in such a way as not to be fooled, so to speak, not to lose. At the same time, your conscience can tell you one thing, and the mind another. On the one hand, you will feel sorry for the person if you don’t take pity on him, but on the other hand, you need to take care of yourself, solve your problems and tasks. So, sometimes, yes, you need to forget about pity, even when people really need it, and act in a way that is beneficial for you. Therefore, this choice can be called a choice between conscience and profit. How to make it?

Friends, let's turn on the logic with you and think about whether our and, in particular, your help to those people who, from your point of view, need it, do they really need it? Here, suppose you took pity on a person, so what? Has the world changed for the better? Has this person changed for the better? Or maybe you got better? Unlikely. Rather, our pity does not always lead to something good. And often no one needs our pity at all. Do you know why? Because people should be independent, responsible and strong, and not rely on someone else's pity. In addition, do not forget that you owe yourself no less than others. This is me about those cases when you feel sorry for someone to the detriment of your interests. Of course, we are taught to be altruists, taught to help other people, taught to be kind and good, so that the life of all people in general would be better. And indeed, it is impossible without this - the world cannot and should not consist of only heartless and ruthless egoists, otherwise it will be impossible to live in it. Nevertheless, no one will deny that the same evil, no matter who understands it, was, is and will be, which means that such actions that, let’s say, will go against our conscience, will not only inevitable, but they must be in our lives. In other words, no matter how much you feel sorry for other people, the world will not change much from this, as good and evil were in it, so they will be, because they should be. And you, as a human, will always remain a sinner, both in terms of "original sin" and in terms of common sense. Because you cannot always do good and right, always and everywhere do good, no matter how much you want to. Because life cannot consist only of good, it must also contain evil, otherwise we will not understand what good is. In that case, why don't you do what your mind tells you instead of trying to be what you think you should be? Why do you feel sorry for people in situations where it makes no sense? If you do not take pity on a person in a situation where it is not beneficial for you, you will not become worse because of this, you will simply do something for yourself, and not for this person. And as I said, you owe yourself no less than others, and perhaps even more.

In addition, as I said - your pity, like your help, in reality, no one needs in most cases. In some situations, you will think that by pitying some person, you are doing good, but in fact you can harm him by indulging his weakness, laziness, stupidity, irresponsibility, and so on. Do you understand what I mean? For example, the same beggars do not always need to be served, because by doing this you only help them to remain poor, because they do not need to work, they do not need to do anything useful for society and themselves, because good people will still give bread. And why does the world need such people who do not want to do anything? Think about it, think about the meaning of your pity and excessive kindness. After all, all your decisions and actions depend on the attitudes that are in your head, and, believe me, they are not always correct. To understand that pity, even for yourself, even for others, is not always appropriate - do not put yourself in front of a choice between good and evil, put yourself in front of a choice between two or more evils. Feel the difference? Our good deeds are not always good and right. So I repeat - choose between two or more evils, and not between good and evil, choose between your various right actions, and not between right and wrong. So it's easier not to pay attention to the voice of conscience, which makes you feel sorry for others, including to the detriment of yourself, and including to the detriment of those you pity.

Now let's move on to heavier artillery, in our fight against unnecessary, unnecessary and harmful pity. And for this, let's pose a more cardinal question - do people deserve pity at all? In your life, what kind of people were there more, those who, if you pity them, became better, kinder, more honest, more decent, or those who perceived your pity as your weakness and climbed on you or other people who took pity on them? As you can see, I am not stating anything, but I suggest that you think about your attitude towards other people, about your opinion about them. It is quite obvious that many or maybe only some people, you know better, whom you pity, pity or may regret in the future, may not deserve this very pity. When you show pity for other people, proceed in your decisions from the understanding that these people are mostly good, kind, honest and decent, so they need to be pitied, they need help. But I know that there are people who in their decisions proceed from the fact that all people are bad, evil, vicious and they do not deserve any pity. And these people who think so have no problems with a sense of pity and conscience. Therefore, for you, friends, it is advisable, if the feeling of pity for you is really, pardon the expression, sick of it, to proceed, first of all, from the understanding that all, well, or almost all people are bad and evil, and therefore pitying them is not just unprofitable but even harmful. Because they don't deserve pity. I understand that this sounds, perhaps, not quite objectively, not quite beautifully and not quite right. But if you constantly feel sorry for everyone and do it to your own detriment, then you need such an attitude in order to simply change your attitude towards other people for the worse on an emotional level, and then you will lose the desire to feel sorry for them and help them. But I warn you that you do not need to become a ruthless misanthrope, a misanthrope. And it's not even that it's just not good - it's unprofitable. Bad, evil, cruel people who hate everyone and never help anyone - often get the same bad treatment. Fierce hatred for people, as well as excessive love for them, is just another extreme, which must also be avoided.

Now let's turn your attention to another very important reason why people feel sorry for others. To do this, I will ask you a provocative question - is your pity for other people connected with pity for yourself? Wait, do not rush to answer it, think a little about it. You need to understand the motive behind your actions. The fact is that many people who feel sorry for others, subconsciously count on the same pity for themselves. And she, too, as we found out, is very harmful to humans. And if you want to be pitied, so you yourself pity others, then you need to solve the problem with your weakness, since self-pity is connected precisely with it. You need to hate this weakness, roughly speaking, in order to want to get rid of it. A strong person does not need someone else's pity, moreover, it is very suspicious for him, as it makes him think that someone is trying to gain confidence in him in this way. Weak people, on the contrary, ask for pity for themselves and for this they themselves can pity others. That is, the problem of pity in this case is largely related to the weakness of a person, from which he needs to get rid of. In addition, if we proceed from the idea I have indicated above that many people are evil, bad, vicious, then you can be sure that most of those whom you pity will not pity you. Think about it. After all, the less you begin to see good in other people, the less you will count on them and the less you will feel sorry for them. So do not expect pity from people, even if some of them can give it to you, and without any self-interest, still do not wait, because many of them will not pity you.

And of course, you need to learn to rely more on yourself, so as not to seek consolation in pity, but in strength, your own strength, in your own capabilities. You need self-confidence, not pity. When you are confident enough in yourself, you will begin to rely less on other people and therefore the need to help them, subconsciously or consciously counting on reciprocity, that is, that they will also help you when you need their help, you will no longer be. And if you also begin to clearly understand that your help and your pity for another person will turn out for you not only the loss of some benefit, but also certain problems, then you will no longer have any desire or any sense to regret someone and someone to help. So in order not to rely on other people - on their pity and help, just drive into your head the idea that all people, with rare exceptions, are evil and bad, and that they not only do not need your help, but also harmful, it is both for you and for them. I won’t say that this is a completely correct attitude, that pitying other people and counting on their pity yourself, and also considering that all people are bad and evil, is correct, but I repeat, in cases where a feeling of pity prevents you from living and you you cannot consciously control it, you can fight it in this way.

In general, we need pity. Without it, life in our society will become much more difficult. I believe that people need to feel sorry for each other, but only in special cases, when it is really necessary. Pity helps to get rid of mental pain, with its help you can provide the necessary support to a person in trouble. In itself, this feeling humanizes people, it helps them trust each other more, helps them get through difficult times, and allows them to show love for each other. But do not forget that we should always look at life from different angles, including from the side that shows us its dark side, on which any, even the most sacred feelings, are used by some people who are very cynical, immoral and in a ruthless way. Therefore, pity can be both a holy and at the same time a cruel feeling that harms the one who pities someone, the one who is pity and the one who pities himself. Do not smear this feeling with one color, do not think that it can always be only harmful or only useful, or be exclusively a manifestation of weakness. Your task is to rid yourself of the extremes that you can fall into because of this feeling, so as not to be too kind or too evil. Then you can use pity for your own good, and not be led by it.

It's funny: all these "rebels" and womanizers, sissies, all sorts of gigolos and deeply married are chosen by beautiful girls. Smart, beautiful, well-read and kind. Indeed, human beings are kind. While self-satisfied girls, often dummies, scoundrels are either ignored or handled so cleverly that they eventually spread out on a bedside rug. Here is my friend, tall, handsome and married, who changed a couple of dozen girlfriends in my memory. Each hinted at a brighter future. Then I met a woman: a real predator, well-groomed, though not beautiful, she clogs my Facebook feed with monstrous nonsense, writes with implausible errors. But as a woman, she is brilliant. But - to become, but - posture, but - royal, without exaggeration, look. She took him away from the family - and for several years now I have been watching sickeningly sentimental comments on each other's photos. Idyll and complete fidelity. There are no side stories and there are no close ones, somehow she convinced him of her exclusivity. This, probably, should be known from childhood - to present yourself as a queen, even if you arrived yesterday from the village.

Good girls aren't taught to turn people around when they're young. Since childhood, they have been dragging stray cats home and making bird feeders out of shoe boxes. They give the beggars their legal change left after buying kvass. Growing up, good girls can contact a person who will travel to Thailand at their expense, having - as it turns out later - a long-term romance at work, but what! With a side child! Or with someone who will sleep with them for three years, and then send SMS: "I'm getting married tomorrow, come to the bachelor party." Or say that he does not earn money at his job, sit on the neck of a good girl, quietly saving for a car.

A grown-up good girl is still glad for any slop cat that jumps on her windowsill. She will wipe his snot, treat fleas and gladly give him beauty, money, devotion and the best hopes. She will turn the chances for another, happy life and put it under his tail. Of course, sooner or later she will not find him in her life, she will sob and repent, but no matter how painful it is, there will be harmony inside: she did everything right again, helped, warmed her up, her mother taught her so, to be kind to those who are in needs it.

This is such a very bad habit.

When you're over 30, it's too late to rebuild. And is it really necessary to try to eradicate the really valuable, good spiritual qualities in oneself? I don't think so, which is why all those "How to be a bitch" books have always been irritating because they teach basically the same thing: "How to be a selfish, mean, indifferent bastard."

I don't want to be rubbish.

But after the last novel (with a magnificent "stray cat"), I suddenly realized how not to let a stray cattle scratch its claws on you, without turning on the bitch. Especially if you can't.

While this relationship lasted (obviously doomed, incredibly happy, feverish), I was the very good girl. I held out my hands to this beautiful, cunning cat, who, of course, walked by himself. In those moments when he was not around, I myself was ready to throw myself into any garbage heap. I did not recognize myself, I did and said monstrous things. But at some point - like a blow to the head - this inner girl of mine moved away from me. And she stood next to me. I saw myself from the outside, my best self.

It turned out to be easy to do.

Here you stand, little girl. Do you remember the smell of her forever broken knees in childhood. Look at her small neat fingers - they have retained their graceful shape even in adulthood. And now look: this pretty girl is seriously offended. An adult man spoils her life, lies, does not let her breathe, makes her cry several times a day.

So, you are not an adult woman who has already grown mental male organs on her forehead and is used to enduring everything and suffering for everyone, contrary to common sense. You are her. If you accept this thought, then the first impulse will be to hide your own child - yourself! - from a brazen dirty cat.

I do not know if this trick can be repeated artificially, it happened to me by itself. When the degree of idiocy of my novel reached its climax, instead of love, in one second I was covered with a wave of real, mature hatred. I suddenly saw myself from the side: the hands, knees and curls of that girl, whom I, already an adult, should not give offense. She got up and left. “You are a piece of shit,” I texted him that evening, which, of course, I regret, I’m still a good girl ...

It turned out that resentment for yourself and for the brightest thing that you have is a great thing ... He still did not understand what had happened.

And then amazing things began to happen in my life. I wanted to really take care of myself. About others too, I'm a good daughter and a good friend, but also about myself. Finally, I called an electrician, they changed the burnt out bulbs for me, and bright ones were put in place of the dim ones. I bought myself shoes for the price of a month's rent for an apartment - because they are wonderful and my foot sleeps in them. Surprisingly, I found time for things that I like myself. There was time to get enough sleep, cook delicious dinners for yourself. I even - a riot on the ship! - I made an appointment with a doctor, I was going for a year.