On December 14, at the Cultural Center "Pokrovsky Gates", as part of the meeting of the Family Club, a presentation of the book by Ekaterina and Mikhail Burmistrov "Modern Family. Psychology of Relations. This is the first joint book of Catherine and Mikhail, it tells about the difficulties and problems that arise in the first 10-15 years of marriage. In another way, the book could be called a "road map of dangerous places."
The book describes typical marriage crises, ways to solve them, research both based on the experience of their own family (Ekaterina and Mikhail have been married for 23 years, raising 11 children), and on the analysis of the situations of many families, based on the extensive practice of counseling and seminars.
According to the writer Maya Kucherskaya, the book is “a good wedding gift that should be given to newlyweds right at the registry office.”
Mikhail Burmistrov:
- Many people think: what is there to say? The family is an understandable, simple phenomenon, one and the same from century to century. This is not true. Recently there have been very serious changes that affect the deep relationship between husband and wife, between parents and children. We live through these changes in our lives, and, of course, they need to be thought through, reflected, and discussed in detail.
The premise of giving a book at the beginning of a family journey is a utopian idea. Young people who plunge into the family cauldron, read it or not, still do not understand what kind of alchemy they will boil.
Crisis is not a disease, but a point of growth
Ekaterina Burmistrova:
- We have a very narrow understanding of the concept of "crisis". We understand "crisis" as something bad, as deterioration. In psychology, it has a completely different meaning. A crisis is when it is impossible to be the way it was before. A crisis is a point of growth, a zone of change.
A person - or a family, or a child - will never be the same as before the crisis, but this does not mean that it will be worse, more problematic. The crisis is not scrapped or a disease, it is a qualitative transition. This is not an instantaneous leap, it takes some time, and from within the crisis it can be hard - yes, it is not easy to transform.
We do not know what the caterpillar experiences when it turns into a butterfly, as it does inside this metamorphosis, but I think that it is not very pleasant for it. Or teenage transformation is very long and difficult, but then a meaningful person with his own thoughts, decisions, views turns out from a teenager.
As for the child, sooner or later he will have a crisis, and he will deal with the crisis of “I myself”, adapt to the school system and, perhaps, even begin to enjoy learning.
But if the crisis of growing up a child usually occurs with a predictable result, then in the family it happens that the crisis may not be passed. And the family, unable to cope with the crisis, will cease to exist as a system.
Our memory, unfortunately, is problem-oriented, we usually remember what was difficult, and good and calm times fall into brackets. Crisis is normal. Almost all families go through, and between crises there are islands of calm, peace, happiness.
Mikhail Burmistrov:
– I have a gloomier view of the crisis, as well as of life. The path of our existence is both problematic and deeply contradictory. And, in general, it's normal - to be in a state of pain, contradiction, impossibility, finiteness - this is our way of life. But still, the family is not only about overcoming crises.
The wonderful Greek Paisios said: “If one could imagine what difficulties await a person on the monastic path, no one would become a monk, but if one could imagine the joys that one would meet along this path, then everyone would run in a crowd to the monastery.” This is similar to the family path: if it were possible to show all the difficulties in advance, everyone would say that no, this is not for us. On the other hand, the states of meaningfulness, fullness, peace, joy that exist in family life are so attractive and form the core of existence that for many they would certainly become a goal and a guide in life.
"Domostroy" does not suit us
Mikhail Burmistrov:
– It seems to me that an attempt to drag recipes from previous eras onto a modern family leads to dead ends and leads to crises that are very difficult to overcome. It is useful to understand who we are, what our life is like, what abilities we have, what we have in the background.
Ekaterina Burmistrova:
- In Russia, there was a long period of breaking traditions, 70 years is a long time. There is no one to pass on the traditions, because the tradition must be passed from hand to hand, it exists in a certain socio-cultural historical context. Unfortunately, at present we are dealing not with the revival of traditions, but with the reproduction of reconstructions. Now Slavic, Tolkien and other reenactment games are very popular among young people. This, of course, is a very useful, interesting and rich activity. But if a person lingers for a long time in these role-playing games, then this raises big questions.
Unfortunately, when the concept of "traditional family" is used with great, usually neophyte energy, we get the same reconstruction, but of a more dangerous kind, since it is applied to the family rather harshly, albeit with good intentions. I have repeatedly seen people, by the way, quite educated, who believe that Domostroy can be used in the family. As a result, the relationship deteriorates, the children get hurt.
Self-sufficient individuals without a family to the grave
Ekaterina Burmistrova:
- A feature of the Russian reality is the lack of statistical studies of society, but it is clear that the age of marriage is increasing, and the number of people who want to officially register a marriage is decreasing. Another picture is in the segment of believers of different traditional religions, but even there the age of marriage has shifted from 23-24 years to 27-28 years, and in highly educated middle-income strata of society this standard age exceeds 30 years. Also, the age of the birth of the first child is very shifting.
This is a very self-centered generation, many of this generation are the only children in the family. Young people think: “We must travel! We must develop! It is necessary to fulfill oneself (this is the key word of the younger generation)! Why give yourself away?
Mikhail Burmistrov:
– An individual in modern self-made culture is self-sufficient, self-satisfied, he positions himself and makes himself, for him all connections are deeply problematic. This trend is very powerful, it works not only to destroy ties, but also to change their quality. Temporary relationship projects are being created, and young people are not ready to create a family, so that “to the grave,” young people are not ready.
Natalia Rymarenko, vice-president of the Christmas family club, mother of five children:
- In our center "Rozhdestvo" on the program of preparation for conception among 12 married couples there were two couples in which husbands as children went to our center. I was very pleased that they absorbed the values that we tried to instill in the children in the classes at the Christmas family center, and the boys, having already become adults, brought their wives to our programs.
Civil marriage: only one agrees
Nina Pereslegina, director of the publishing house "Dar":
– As is known, thanks to sociological research, 75% of women in civil marriages consider themselves married. And more than 80% of men who are in the same relationship perceive themselves as free.
Ekaterina Burmistrova:
- With a civil marriage, everything is not easy. The only criterion for internal well-being in such unions: both partners agree that this form of relationship is best for them. My experience shows that, as a rule, only one of the partners agrees to a civil marriage, and it does not have to be a man.
You can separately analyze this traumatic area - why people choose this particular type of relationship. Always behind the reluctance to marry, when people live in a stable family, there is some kind of biographical story. The internal range of evaluations of marriage can be anything - from the sacrament and support to the yoke and the yoke.
Ekaterina Burmistrova:
- Our book has a chapter on divorce, but this is not at all because all family ups and downs eventually lead to divorce and you need to live it ecologically and enter a different cycle in a new relationship. No. This chapter is not addressed to those who are about to divorce now, but to those who lived in a divorced family and have been experiencing the consequences of a divorce for decades. At the time of the divorce, their parents did not receive a good “cure” for conflicts, quarrels, and misunderstandings. All this greatly affects the marriages of children, they carry this trauma into their family relationships and often do not understand this.
"Road maps of dangerous places"
Ekaterina Burmistrova:
– It is very important for a family to have a supportive human environment. The modern family lives in a huge city in a human vacuum, it is very small, atomic, traditional ties are destroyed. One of the difficulties is when a woman becomes a mother, and her communication structure changes a lot. Relationships that were before motherhood are very thinned out. Usually, a woman previously had an active social life, work, involvement in various projects, and after the birth of a child, she most often finds herself in social isolation. Relatives are usually far away, and very often they are not close, there is no spiritual connection with them.
A person really needs contacts, and in a small family this is often not satisfied. If people who are going through the formation of a family and adaptation to parenthood can find like-minded people, the same family people who also go through various crises, this is very important. Usually like-minded people are easy to find for single people, and there are very few places where married people can go.
Family clubs such as "Christmas" provide information security and the feeling that you are not alone. And books can also give the same feeling that you are not alone, what happens is normal, it happens, it passes, you can deal with it with the same “road maps”.
The authors of the book are not supporters of instructions and specific advice, but a thorough analysis of many situations can help the readers of the book to delve into life, into the family space, to find their own way, because, of course, it is impossible to learn from any books either to love or create a family. This is a path that a person must go through and understand for himself.
Book "Modern family. The Psychology of Relations” was published by the “Dar” publishing house as part of the Federal Target Program “Culture of Russia (2012-2018)”.
Photo - Tamara Amelina, Dmitry Avsineev
Video - Viktor Aromshtam
Just a cry from the heart.
Almost all of us have to share living space with other people - with a spouse, children, parents, roommates. And they do not always share our view (and even more so, efforts) on the order in the house. Sometimes they bring us to white heat and we in our hearts, having previously called them ungrateful piggies, stop serving them (cook, wash, clean, everything, that's enough for me, I went to take care of myself). I don’t know about you, but I quickly return to the old one - because it hurts to see how your beloved house turns into a branch of a pig farm before your eyes, and it is even more painful to state that this still does not bother anyone but me.
And all this is repeated in cycles: your enthusiasm, your own heroic work, your fatigue, your irritation, your boiling point, followed by a strike - and in a new circle.
It's terrifying. Can this be changed somehow? You can, but, as always, you need to start with yourself. Before developing a new strategy for raising households (by the way, how many of these strategies have you already tried to implement in your life? How many of them were successful?), it is worth learning some postulates.
- You cannot change someone's behavior
You certainly have a choice: you can ask, threaten, bribe, force, cry, complain, call for conscience or mother, scream, yell, squeal - but all this applies only to you. You can only fully control what you do yourself.
- It matters to you, not to them.
It's a shame, but it's true. You seething with enthusiasm, you dream of floors that you can look into like in a mirror, a five-course dinner, you are right now thinking about doing a spring cleaning or painting the fence. But your daughter is currently painting her nails with rapture, your son is cutting into tanks, and your husband is generally sleeping. They are busy with other things, their priorities are different, and YOUR cleaning is the last thing they might be interested in. If there is no interest, there is no action.
- They don't do it to spite you
(There are exceptions, but this is a matter of psychology or even psychiatry). You are sure that your family members are in cahoots, at night the children with a malicious giggle make their way to the kitchen to crumble bread on the floor and place dirty cups on the armrests of the chairs, and the husband, having waited for you to leave, joyfully scatters his socks around the rooms (previously perforated and curled up in lumps)? Relax, it's your sick imagination. In fact, they either don't notice the mess at all, or it doesn't bother them at all. Stop looking for malicious intent where there is only laziness and slovenliness.
- Sometimes it's better to be happy than right
If all you get from homework is anger and irritation, you should weigh what is more important to you: your calmness or perfect cleanliness. You think you are a Negro on a plantation in vain - in fact, no one is captive to you. For some reason, you think you have no choice, but you do have a choice - you can do 100% to 0% of household chores, to the extent that it allows you to not be nervous. Always remember that you yourself decided to plow yourself into a coma.
- Passive-aggressive behavior doesn't work
Your snide remarks (passive behavior) and throwing things (aggressive behavior) will only make you look unreasonable, unrestrained and infantile.
- Use words
Yes, imagine for a moment that your household members are able to understand human speech! So, they can explain what exactly you are doing and why. And yet - they can even be asked to help (in this case, it is better to determine a specific task and a specific deadline). With regard to children, helping can be thought of as a game, for example, cleaning upholstered furniture with foam. If you get tired of having to constantly remind, write a list and silently poke your finger at it if necessary.
- Give them time
As I said, the enthusiasm overwhelms you, not them. But the more your behavior is consistent and inevitable, the sooner they will accept it.
Not always the father takes the same important role in the upbringing of his children as their mother. This is easy to understand - a man by nature is still a breadwinner, it is he who often bears all the responsibility for providing for the family. But this does not mean at all that you can shift all the educational work on the shoulders of your wife.
No one requires extremely incredible things from modern fathers, but it is necessary to know the basic rules. At least in order not to harm your own child with wrong upbringing or wrong words. Here are the top 15 things you should never do if you're serious about your kids!
1. Set a good example for your child
Everyone knows that children are a blank slate. And it depends only on upbringing and parental example what will be depicted on this sheet later. A child, like a sponge, absorbs everything that he sees inside his family: both good and bad. Any incident in the house is filtered by children's consciousness. It seems to take over the world around.
Therefore, in order to avoid banal moralizing like “You can’t say nasty things!” it will be much more efficient not to say them yourself. After all, the child has a good intuition, and if no one scolds in the family, then even without such instructions the child will perfectly understand that it is impossible to speak like that.
And, on the contrary, if parents actively teach their children, but at the same time they themselves do not follow their own advice, then such information will not be deposited in the child's head without finding confirmation in real life.
2. Physical punishment - no
Every person has the right to their own inviolability: both physical and psychological. Even your own child.
It often turns out that spanking is an extreme measure of punishment, when the parent is simply not able to cope with the situation, and his nerves are strained to the limit. Thus, a mythical solution to the problem occurs. Why mythical? Yes, because after the slap, the father feels relieved, supposedly the child received a well-deserved punishment, and even managed to remove the mental heat, throwing out anger. However, the problem remains unresolved, because hitting, beating and physical punishment do not convey anything to your child. In addition, of course, that no one in the family respects him and is capable of offending him.
The children of those parents who do not shy away from physical punishment, children grow up more mentally unstable, they do not cope well with negative emotions. Scary, isn't it? But from all this, one correct conclusion can be drawn: it is impossible to raise a good person with blows.
3. A loving father keeps his promises.
It doesn't matter what suddenly happened to you at work in the office or somewhere else. If the father promised to take the child to the zoo on Saturday, then he is obliged to do so. If you are not sure that you can carry out your plan, then it is better not to make such shaky promises at all.
Most of the children with rapture and excitement await those days on which dad promised to spend time together. They remember this very well, counting the hours. And it is extremely cruel at the last moment to tell the child that everything is canceled due to a sudden business trip or poor health.
If you do not want to upset and upset your children, then remember: never make false promises! And if you promised, then be so kind as to fulfill them!
4. Be there for all the important days in your child's life.
The day when your child went to first grade or the very date when he won a prize in some circle or something similar - all these dates will forever be imprinted in the child's head, and it will be wonderful if there will always be a face in these warm memories caring father.
Try to find time to always be present at the most important moments. After all, children need so much support and approval from their father.
5. A good father tries not to criticize.
Of course, children cannot always adequately assess their strengths, they can exaggerate some situations unnecessarily. But this does not mean that they can be criticized as harshly as an adult. After all, sometimes a harsh word uttered by a father can hit worse than a slap in the face. Be careful with comments, especially if they may affect the child's self-esteem.
It is better to gently discuss the problem, to give kind and affectionate advice, than to “poke” your opinion directly on the child’s forehead. Trusting and strong relationships with children are not formed on sarcasm and rude remarks.
6. A loving father does not allow quarrels with his wife to influence the attitude towards the child.
Everything happens in life. Families can experience crises in relationships, husband and wife can even get divorced or separate for a while. But whatever happens between the father and mother of the child, this should not be reflected in him in any way.
You can not transfer the prism of a failed relationship with the mother to her child. A good father never does that. A problem is especially common when, after a divorce, the father's relationship with his own children from his ex-wife escalates. A wise person understands that children are not to blame for anything. On the contrary: it is your unsuccessful marriage or frequent quarrels in it that can harm the psychological comfort of the child. It's just blasphemous to add even more negativity on top of it.
7. A loving father respects his children
Mutual respect in the family is as important as love. It is on respect that a strong, lasting family is built. And calm, self-confident and successful children always grow out of it.
Moms take note!
Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But I have nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...
If a father treats his own child with due respect and understanding, then he will receive the same in return.
It happens that a man in a family takes on the role of a tough (and sometimes cruel) leader. And then the atmosphere in the family resembles a military camp, and not a cozy home.
A father should not abuse his physical strength or leadership qualities. It is necessary to understand the difference between when the house should be kept in order and when this order reaches the point of absurdity. And where for the slightest offense threatens a sharp reprimand, and even physical punishment.
Remember: your home is not a military training ground. The duty of a caring father is to protect his family from the misfortunes and evils of the outside world. But not the scourging of the weak and defenseless with some unclear goals. Every member of your family has the right to vote.
9. Permissiveness is not a sign of a good father
Rather, on the contrary. Fathers who do not want to spend a lot of time raising their children, but experience pangs of conscience from this - this is a typical picture of a dad who allows absolutely everything to a child. From the outside, it may even look touching.
Until a certain age, children cannot clearly understand what is good for them and what is not. That is why this process should be controlled by parents. You don't have to ban everything, but reasonable boundaries should be respected. Trite, but if you allow a child to absorb chips and chocolate as much as he likes, then his liver will deteriorate, diathesis will begin, or an acetonic crisis will develop.
10. A loving father does not leave his children in danger.
For any child, dad is a model of courage, masculinity and strength. Boys dream of being like their fathers, and girls always seek protection and shelter from them.
In a dangerous situation, a good dad will always come to the rescue, support, comfort or find a solution. This awareness helps children feel safe. And the task of the father is to maintain this confidence and not disappoint the child.
11. Cheating is bad
Many children are easily able to see through the lies of adults, they just often do not show it. And even a lie for good should become a taboo for a caring father.
Do not resort to deliberate deception, because there are always other, more reasonable ways. In addition, any child knows that lying is very bad, and therefore you can lose your share of authority in the eyes of your own children.
12. A father should answer calls for help.
For some reason, the moods and inner feelings of children are always put a step lower, underestimated. It is believed that only an adult can have good reasons for depression, tearfulness or bad mood.
These are very selfish judgments that directly infringe on the rights of children. After all, they do not have striking differences from adults, with the exception of their age. But, unlike the big world, in the world of children it is even more difficult to quickly solve problems. And therefore, at such moments, the father must come to the rescue.
13. Insult children - no
Is it necessary now to try to convey the idea that rude (especially obscene) words are the pinnacle of disrespect, an indicator of bad manners, intemperance and a number of other negative qualities?
Moreover, such words are prohibited in the address of native children. A father has no moral right to insult his child.
14. A good father always loves his children.
And even in those cases when they did not live up to the expectations placed on them.
Any child wants to know that his beloved dad will be there always and no matter what. And even if the whole world turns away, the reliable shoulder of his own father will remain.
15. He will find a reason to be proud
A kind word and praise can sometimes have an effect much more effective than moralizing. After all, it is important for a child to know that his beloved dad is proud of him.
And he will do everything in his power to hear the praise again. It is this cunning method that wise fathers use, whose children are always obedient. It is better to build a parenting strategy on love.
Moms take note!
Hello girls! Today I will tell you how I managed to get in shape, lose 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of the terrible complexes of overweight people. I hope the information is useful to you!
Hello, I am 16 years old. The point is that, to
Unfortunately my family doesn't like me. Constantly
poke something that I live at their expense and it's bad. BUT
A few days ago they said they didn't like it at all.
And not in puffs ... but over tea ... What to do? How
it happened? I still love them though
a family. HELP. Thank you all in advance.
Support the site:
Anonymous, age: 03/16/2013
Responses:
If your parents are close to you, then it was a joke or motivation. Are you sure you're studying? Get a job, 2-3 hours a day. Your money will appear, you will spend it on your loved one and also lend it to your ancestors. Don't hang your nose, everything will be fine :-)
Marina, age: 29 / 30.03.2013
In such a situation, I would leave home, no matter where. Why live with people who do not love you? I always said I will say that spiritual kinship is more important than blood. If the first is not present, then the second does not matter.
From Flame and Light, age: 23/30.03.2013
I understand you perfectly. it was the same in my family
most. for all my birthday parties
the story was my mother's story of how she
frantically looking for a doctor to have an abortion (
then it was not as simple as it is now), in what
she was shocked how she did not want this child (
me) and how unlucky in the end with the search ... "and
that's what has grown..." it's about me.
grew up okay. and it's all for laughter. what
funny - I don't know to this day. listened to these
fables, burning with shame and resentment. but what
to do ... it is clear that there are no normal relations
It was. reconciled. nothing can be done about it
that they did not want and do not want to see you in their
life. how did it happen? why? you answers to
these questions are not needed - they will not change anything.
just take for granted what you were told
and strip down for the mental
self-preservation. leaving home for you
way out - you are few years old, you will not survive. necessary
be patient, get educated,
find a job and then go to the people and build your own
life. this is what I did. yes, me still
now twitches with anger when I remember
these idiotic stories, but I have everything in
okay. which is what I wish you. keep emotions in
hands and do not delve into the situation. simply
take care of yourself.
Vera, age: 35 / 30.03.2013
Maybe it was said after all in a rush? Even if not, do not take it to heart, adults can also sometimes behave stupidly or take out their complexes on relatives. These words hurt you, this is natural, try to show your feelings without conflict, do not accumulate all the negativity in yourself. Maybe you can figure out why they said that. If not, it’s still not worth leaving the family, for a start, try, however, to earn some money somewhere, become a little more independent, and then you’ll see, ok?
Svetlana, age: 38 / 30.03.2013
And show me a man who at the age of 16 is completely self-sufficient. No, you can, of course, get a job with McDuck or a courier somewhere
something, but it can't be called normal work. You still need some education. I don't understand what the family got to the bottom of you. AT
modern society is normal when money is invested in a child before the age of 21. Here another phrase comes to my mind, but I'm not sure what suits you. "It doesn't matter if people love us or not, it's important that we love them." This is one Christian ascetic said. love them like
you can, and think that someday you will build your family, where everyone will love everyone.
Hilda, age: 04/26/2013
It’s lousy, of course. I myself consider that the situation is exactly the same. Only I’m 21 and I don’t know what to do either. It’s not an option to talk normally.
at least know that you are not alone.
Zhanna, age: 21 / 16.07.2013
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With the beginning of the Advent fast, we decided to ask today's youth if they fast. And the answers received were asked to comment on Archpriest Andrei Tkachev.
How do young people perceive fasting? Do they fast? And do they understand the very meaning of the Nativity fast? Read in the material.
Nazar, 29 years old: I don't understand why the Church establishes fasts before major Christian holidays.
I won't fast before Christmas. Simply because I don’t understand why the Church establishes fasts before major Christian holidays. For me personally, fasting is connected with my relationship with the Almighty, and not just with foundations and traditions. Although, of course, I am glad that there are people who observe fasting as a tradition.
For me, the main thing is the motive of a person’s heart, and not “obligation”. I see the meaning of fasting in abstaining not only from food, but also from worldly concerns (the Internet, television), from the usual things, for solitude and communication with God. For our family, this is a time of humility and knowledge of God. At this time, we try to pay special attention to the needs of orphans, widows and the sick - we devote ourselves to charity and volunteering. During the fast I do not eat anything. I only drink. This fast lasts up to seven days. My family and I regularly attend church, but the decision to fast is made within the family, according to the situation.
On the whole, you are doing the right thing. After all, earlier the post was established in this way - due to certain circumstances. Only not every one for himself, but it had an all-church, all-people character. And over time, these posts settled down and became the backbone of church discipline.
A person must gradually come to a state where the life of the Church becomes his own life. When he will not compose instructions for himself, but will move in the general, church channel. When exactly he will come to this is a matter of his personal growth as a Christian. After all, everything that concerns spiritual practice is a matter of experience. One should taste the joy of celebrating Christmas together. And fasting is an exercise that will help him feel this joy in all its fullness.
It is very good that you care for widows and orphans and devote more time to the study of the Holy Scriptures. It is also important to remember that you are not the only believer. We believe everything, which means we should celebrate and fast together. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that fasting is accepted by an intra-family decision. This is a personal decision of the family, and if they see the need for it, please.
Ksenia, 21 years old, student: I won’t fast this year - I’m waiting for my first child.
“I fast every year, and Advent is no exception. But this year, most likely, I will not fast due to circumstances - I am waiting for my first child.
I believe that fasting, first of all, is a cleansing of the body, so it would not interfere with non-believers either. But for me, this is not just abstaining from food, I spend more time in prayer and visit the temple more often. Fasting is observed in my family, and I myself go to church once or twice a week.
 |
- That's a very good reason. After all, we cannot demand the same strictness of fasting from a sick old man and a young guy, from a prisoner and a soldier serving in the army. A pregnant woman should first of all think not about herself, but about the child she is carrying. Although history knows many examples of women who courageously fasted during pregnancy. Thus, they brought up in the child a sense of asceticism even in the mother's womb. But these are exceptions, examples of true holiness that cannot become the norm for ordinary people. But after all, you can find a worthy replacement for everything. If a woman cannot abstain from food, then nothing prevents her from spending more time in prayer, helping those in need, and studying the Bible.
Sergey, 20 years old, student: I don't keep fasts. The body is growing, which means that nutrition should be complete.
- I don't keep fasts. Once I spoke with the priest, and he told me that this is not at all necessary. The body is growing, which means that nutrition should be complete.
I did not attend church for a very long time, because I lost faith in the clergy. I believe that the Church cannot go hand in hand with politics, and any religion now goes hand in hand with politicians.
Nobody fasts in the family, the elders are people of the Soviet temper, and the parents are too busy with work.
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- The priest slightly "went too far." Even if a person is not yet eighteen, he is already in a period of flowering maturity and must engage in self-discipline.
The question of confidence is more difficult. Whoever inflicted a wound must heal it. If a minister of the Church offended or disappointed a person, then the minister must correct this. The main thing is that the person himself should be interested in it.
There is a large percentage of people in our society who are indifferent to faith. But the percentage of those who are not indifferent is even greater. So, we must work in this field. And you need to start with the main thing - with Christ. If a person is ideally fasting, but believes in Krishna, then what is the joy of such a fast? If a person believes in Christ, but for some reason does not fast, he should not be scolded. You need to talk to him. Over time, he will understand that faith without works is dead, and asceticism is one of the most important things. Faith without fasting can save, fasting without faith never. Sooner or later you will grow up to work on yourself, and in this work it is important to listen to the instructions of the Mother Church.
Dmitry, 28 years old, athlete: I am an athlete and I have to train 5 times a week. I fast very rarely.
- I fast very rarely. This is due to the fact that I need to gain a certain number of kilocalories, because I am a weightlifter and must train at least five times a week. But for me, fasting is, first of all, the taming of my anger, lust and frivolity. It is a severe control over your words and thoughts. After all, even John Chrysostom said: "I love fasting, for it is the mother of humility and the source of all wisdom."
Unfortunately, no one in my family observes fasts. I go to church, but not as often as I would like. Although there was a period in my life when I went to the temple at least twice a week. I believe that this time was not in vain, and the spiritualization that I received then is still with me. And I have deep respect for church people.
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- Sport is always self-development. The Apostle Paul himself often compared Christians to runners and warriors. "Run to get the crown." But not a simple crown of laurel, but an incorruptible crown. So sport is also a valuable spiritual practice.
But it is necessary to bring the concept of fasting, as a sacrifice to God, beyond the limits of gastronomy. If a person is in the hospital and is fed semolina, nothing prevents him from reading the Psalter. If he works in a factory or plays sports, he can always save more money for charity. Fasting is designed to cultivate kindness and morality in a person, abstinence in food is just one of many ways. Don't focus on what you can't. Better think about how you can fill this void. And that's the way it should be in all cases.
But the post should not be in conflict with your profession. A special forces soldier going to be detained should not stagger from hunger, just like an athlete who represents the honor of his country at the games. Here it is important to show understanding and pastoral sensitivity. And treat each such case as a private one, so as not to bring the believer into a quarrel with the Church. In a sense, the priest must be a doctor - everyone's liver works the same way, only the diseases are different.
Sandro, 23 years old, dentist: For me, fasting is a way to help my father in the next world.
I will fast before Christmas as much as possible. If you have the courage. Indeed, during fasting, one must not only limit oneself in food, but also pray regularly, not swear, diligently attend church ... And if a person approaches this from a purely “gastronomic” side, then this is not a fast at all. For me personally, this is a way to help my father in the next world, and I think this is the only way. Everyone in our family fasts, but my mother does not strictly, because of health problems.
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- These are worthy words of an adult husband. Death is accompanied by fasting in all Abrahamic religions and deep cultures in general. The deceased, as it were, places a seal on the living, and they fast. First of all, involuntarily. They just don't get a piece down their throats. Secondly, they consciously demonstrate their loss. They do not cut their hair, do not shave, wear humble clothes and black ribbons. This is right, because in this way they show that they do not despair, that they believe in the possibility of communicating with this person through prayer. On the other hand, they have lost a loved one and mourn for him. This approach can only be welcomed - in this situation, it is the most correct.
Yaroslav, 27 years old, rock musician: I associate the word “post” with a border post. It's like a sentry on duty.
— I was brought up in a deeply religious family, so we carefully observe any fast, including Christmas. The very word "post" I associate with the border post. It's like a sentry that stands guard over your soul. But I would like to hear parting words from the ministers of the church. What should you pay special attention to while fasting?
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Don't forget that we live in the information age. You need to pay as much attention to the information that comes to you as to food. Anyone will agree with the statement that "you can not eat anything." But is it reasonable to watch everything on TV, read on the Internet and listen on the radio? You need to clearly define for yourself what is possible and what is not. After all, information is also food, but not for the stomach, but for the mind. The fact that children in schools, like adults in their workplaces, have become less assiduous is the result of a lack of internal discipline. And for a modern person, forgetting and drinking a glass of milk in fasting is not as scary as indiscriminately taking in everything that is served from the TV screen.
In an afterword from Father Andrei
Remember that your post is evaluated by the joy of the holiday with which it ends. Therefore, let the feast of the Nativity of Christ this year be brighter and more solemn than all the previous ones!
