Read online, turn on the charm according to the methodology of the special services. Turn on the charm: head tilt

Jack Schafer, Marvin Karlins

The Like Switch:

An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over

Published with permission from Touchstone, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. and literary agency Andrew Nurnberg

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

* * *

This book is well complemented by:

Robert Cialdini, Steve Martin and Noah Goldstein

Mark Goulston and John Ullman

Mark Goulston

To my wife, Helene, endowed with love, strong character and, above all, patience, which allowed her to endure my eccentricities during the thirty years of our marriage.

Jack Schafer

To my wife Edith and daughter Amber. Thank you for who you are, for what you have achieved, for the love that has enriched the lives of many people.

Marvin Carlins

Introduction
How to call for favor

No one would have thought to decipher the FBI abbreviation as the Federal Office of Welcome. I worked in this organization for twenty years as an agent specializing in behavioral analysis, and over the years I developed the ability to quickly assess people, understand their characters and strategize with them. It was my job to convince people to cooperate with the FBI against their home country, or to identify criminals and persuade them to confess, sometimes without saying a single word to do so. As a behavioral analyst, I have developed a strategy for recruiting spies and making friends out of sworn enemies. In other words, I acquired skills and developed techniques that turned the enemies of the United States of America into friends and willing spies for my country. In short, my task was to win the sympathy of the people.

The case of Vladimir (I changed the names and personalities of the people mentioned in the book, and sometimes created some character from several to make the examples more illustrative) perfectly shows what the essence of the matter is. Vladimir illegally arrived in the United States for the purpose of espionage. He was caught trying to get hold of secret documents from the Department of Defense. As an FBI special agent, I was assigned to work with him. At the very first interrogation, he declared that he would not talk to me under any circumstances. In order to overcome the resistance of the arrested person, I began by simply sitting opposite him during interrogations and reading the newspaper. I read for quite some time, then folded up the newspaper, put it on the table, and left the office without saying a word. Day after day, week after week, I came for interrogation, read the newspaper, left it on the table and left, and Vladimir sat indifferently opposite, handcuffed to the table.

For the next month, we talked about anything but espionage. Then, one fine day, Vladimir suddenly said: "I'm ready to talk about what I was doing." He began to express his thoughts freely and frankly, not because he was forced to do so by force, but because he liked me and he began to consider me his friend.

The interrogation technique I used with Vladimir may seem pointless. But in fact, I carefully planned my actions in order to get the arrestee to want to confess and cooperate with the FBI. In this book, I will reveal my secret and explain how I won Vladimir's affection, and how, using the same technique, you can win the sympathy of almost anyone for a while or for a lifetime. I will be able to do this because it turns out that the communication skills I have developed for the purpose of gaining the friendship of potential agents and recruiting them can be applied just as effectively to establishing friendships at home, at work, and in any other places and situations of communication.

I must admit, at first I did not understand that it was possible to use my professional skills in everyday life. This possibility came to my attention only at the very end of my FBI career. At the time, I was teaching young intelligence officers how to recruit agents. One day, before the start of a new semester, I arrived at work half an hour before class to prepare the classroom. To my surprise, there were already two cadets in the class. I didn't recognize them. They sat like exemplary students in the front row with their hands on the table. This behavior of the cadets surprised me a lot: they rarely showed up for classes at such an early hour. I asked what happened, who they were and why they came so early.

Do you remember Tim from the previous group? one of the cadets asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

A couple of weeks ago, Tim and I were in a bar. He told us about your lectures on influencing and building trust.

“So what?” I asked, still not understanding what he was getting at.

- Tim boasted that in the classroom he learned how to pick up any girl.

“And they decided to test him,” continued the first. We chose the first woman we saw who was sitting at the bar and suggested that Tim, without a word, invite her to sit at our table for a drink.

- And what did he do? I asked.

“He accepted the challenge,” the cadet exclaimed. “We thought he was crazy and taking on too much. But after forty-five minutes, the woman actually came up to our table and asked if she could sit in our company. We couldn't believe our eyes, but that's exactly what happened.

I looked at them searchingly.

Did you find out how he did it?

- Not! - exclaimed one of them, and then they confessed in unison: - We came to learn!

At first, I felt bewildered and reminded them of our profession. I said that the purpose of the classes is to train cadets in the skills of working in intelligence, and not to educate pickup masters. But after a moment's reflection, it suddenly dawned on me, to my own surprise. Thinking about Tim's eccentricity, I realized that methods for recruiting spies can also be used to win love games. Moreover, in a broader sense, this technique can be used in all cases when it is necessary to win the favor of a person in almost any interpersonal interaction. This insight became the starting point for the work on this book and determined its content.

After I left the FBI, I continued to work on my doctoral dissertation in psychology and began teaching at the university. It was during this time that I fleshed out my vision by writing a book designed to help people establish successful interpersonal relationships at home, at work, and in all places where such relationships are needed. For example:

Novice sellers can use these methods to attract new customers;

Experienced salespeople will also benefit from the book by learning how to maintain and develop existing relationships and, of course, attract new buyers;

All employees, from Wall Street managers to restaurant waiters, can use the suggested tactics to interact more effectively with management, colleagues, subordinates and customers;

Parents can apply new knowledge to correct, maintain and strengthen relationships with children;

Consumers will learn how to get better service, get better deals, and attract favorable attention from service personnel;

And, of course, people who want to form friendships or romantic relationships will be able to use the suggested skills development techniques to overcome difficulties in this difficult task (which is becoming increasingly difficult in the digital age).

This book is for anyone who wants to make new friends or strengthen existing relationships, make casual encounters more enjoyable, and get more tips and bonuses.

How to deal with friendship challenges

People are social beings. The human species is programmed to find friends. This desire is rooted in our distant primitive past, when unity offered the best chances to take the top places in the food chain, when we emerged from the caves and began to fight for survival in a hostile and merciless world. If you think that at that time making friends was a pleasant and easy thing, then, unfortunately, you are mistaken. Today, the results of many sociological surveys and studies show that there is a growing number of people in the world who feel lonely and unable to even make an acquaintance, let alone build meaningful, deep and lasting relationships. The problem is exacerbated by the widespread introduction of social networks into our lives, which further isolate people from each other and prevent the establishment of trusting personal relationships.

Making contact with people, especially strangers, is always difficult. Moreover, these contacts are associated with unpleasant and even frightening experiences. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. In either case, you experience fear: fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of offending and hurting other people's feelings, fear of making a bad impression, and even fear of possible manipulation and shameless use of you by another person.

Fortunately, establishing a relationship does not necessarily lead to disaster. If you want to, despite the difficulties, make friends or just improve your existing relationship with someone, take heart. You are not alone, and your situation is by no means hopeless. I wrote this book specifically to relieve your anxiety about maintaining relationships at work and at home, with loved ones, or having to enter into new relationships with strangers. The methods described in it are based on cutting-edge scientific evidence, so they will give you a chance to learn how to like people without saying a word. In this book, you will find various tips for using non-verbal signals, with which, just like with the help of words, you can instantly win the favor of any person. However, in the end you still have to speak. Words turn a feeling of sympathy into friendship, and sometimes into long-term relationships that last a lifetime.

Fruitful personal relationships are, without a doubt, available to you. It's not a matter of chance or luck. Friendly, trusting relationships are established through the application of proven scientific knowledge and proven methods of interaction with others.

So, now you are only three steps away from the unconditional ability to make friends.

1. You must be imbued with a sincere desire to master the methods and techniques described in the book, and do not regret this work. These methods are similar to the electrical tools used by construction workers. The trick is to let the tool work. For example, in my early youth I sawed wooden blanks with a hand saw. One day my father allowed me to borrow a circular saw he had recently bought. I set to work, pressing down on it as I would on a hand saw. Seeing this, my father patted me on the shoulder and told me not to push so hard and let the saw calmly and do its job well. The techniques described in the book require exactly the same common sense approach. When applying them, be calm, be yourself and let them work for you. You will be quite surprised by the result.

2. You must constantly apply new knowledge to interact with people around you in everyday life. Knowing the best way to do things is only good if you put it into practice. Remember that knowledge without practical application is dead knowledge.

3. Reinforce the learned material with constant practice. The friendship skill is like any skill. The more often you use it, the better you get. The less often you use your skill, the sooner you lose it. After taking these three steps, you will realize that making friends has become as familiar and inconspicuous for you as breathing.

The ability to evoke sympathy is available, it is in front of you. To master this art, simply use the information in the book and watch your LQ (likability quotient), or likability quotient, rise.

1. Formula of friendship

I realized that people will forget what you said and forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

Operation Seagull

This person's code name is Seagull. He was a high-ranking foreign diplomat. If we were able to recruit him, it would be a great and valuable asset for the United States of America.

However, we had to solve one difficult question: how to convince a person to abandon allegiance to his native country? To do this, it was necessary to somehow make friends with Chaika and make him an offer that cannot be refused. To cope with such a task, patience was required, a careful collection of information about all aspects of the life of this person and the establishment of friendly relations between him and an American whom Chaika would trust.

According to our information, he was passed over for promotion several times, and, in addition, our employees managed to overhear Chaika telling his wife that he liked life in America and would gladly retire and settle in the United States if it were was possible. In addition, Chaika was concerned that he was entitled to a small pension in his homeland. Armed with this information, security analysts suggested that the diplomat could be won over to our side if he was offered sufficient financial compensation.

Now he had to establish a close relationship with Chaika without frightening him with the prospect of rough recruitment—a difficult task. FBI operative Charles was instructed to establish contact with Chaika, gradually get closer to him and bring the trust of the relationship to such an extent that it would be possible to make him a specific offer. This is how a good wine is brought to the required maturity in order to enjoy its bouquet later. The agent was warned that if he was too hasty, Seagull would likely become alert and avoid contact. To begin with, the agent had to stick to the tactics of establishing friendly relations. The first thing Charles had to do was to please Seagull without saying a single word. The second step would be to express the sympathy that has arisen in words with a hint of a lasting friendship.

Preparations for the first, most important meeting between Charles and Chaika continued for several months. Surveillance found that once a week, the subject left the embassy building and went shopping at a grocery store located a couple of blocks from the embassy. Charles was instructed to regularly catch the eye of the Seagull at different points along the route. The agent was warned not to approach Chaika so as not to arouse suspicion, but simply caught his eye: he was, so to speak, “here”, so that a foreign diplomat would notice him every time.

Being himself an intelligence officer, Chaika very soon noticed an FBI agent, who, admittedly, did not seek conspiracy. Since Charles made no attempt to approach Chaika or speak to him, he felt no threat. He was just used to the fact that an American from time to time catches his eye.

Several weeks passed, and once, once again, being close to the American, Chaika looked into his eyes. In response, Charles nodded his head, indicating that he noticed this gesture, but showed no more interest and did not make an attempt to establish verbal contact.

A few more weeks passed, and only after that Charles began to contact Chaika more intensively on a non-verbal level. : look into his eyes more often, raise his eyebrows, tilt his head and put his chin forward a little. The human brain interprets these gestures as "friendly signals".

Charles took the next step in rapprochement with Chaika two months later. He followed him into the store, but kept a respectful distance. Now, each time the diplomat visited the store, Charles followed him, still keeping his distance, although several times he passed Seagull in the aisles of the supermarket. At the same time, the agent began to look into the eyes of his object even more often. Charles noticed that the diplomat always bought a can of peas from the store. After waiting a few more weeks, Charles followed Chaika to a shelf of peas, and when he reached for a can, smiling, he also took a can of peas from the shelf and turned to Chaika: "Good afternoon, my name is Charles, I'm a special agent of the FBI." He smiled back and said: "For some reason I thought so." After this harmless meeting and acquaintance, a strong friendship was established between Charles and Chaika. In the end, Chaika agreed to supply his friend from the FBI with valuable information.

To a casual observer, Agent Charles' months-long stomping on the spot might seem unnecessarily long and incomprehensible, but it was not by chance that he waited so long. In fact, the recruitment strategy was carefully thought out and worked out as a virtuoso psychological operation, the purpose of which was to establish friendly relations between two people who, on their own, would not only not make friends, but also never get to know each other.

As a specialist in the FBI analytical center, I, along with my colleagues, took part in developing a scenario for the recruitment of Chaika by our operational officer. The goal was to make Chaika get used to Charles' presence and to make the first acquaintance grow into friendship - if, of course, the agent managed to make a good impression on the target of recruitment. The task was complicated by the fact that Chaika himself was an experienced intelligence officer and could be suspicious of any attempt by an outsider to get to know him. Then in the future he would avoid the suspicious stranger at all costs.

In order for Charles to successfully implement our plan, it was necessary to create such conditions that it would be psychologically comfortable for a foreign diplomat to communicate with an American agent. Therefore, Charles had to take several specific actions, which he did with great and m success. These steps are no different from those that any person who wants to establish a short-term or long-term friendship with someone should take.

Using the Seagull case as an example, we now explore what led Charles to success in recruiting. In this case, the FBI agent used friendship formula.

Friendship formula

The formula of friendship consists of four main components: intimacy, frequency, duration and intensity. These four variables can be written as the following simple mathematical equation:

Friendship = Intimacy + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

Proximity is the distance between you and another person, as well as your regular appearance in his field of vision. In Chaika's case, Charles didn't just walk up to him and introduce himself. Such behavior, on the contrary, would only repel the foreigner. The peculiarities of the situation demanded a more cautious and balanced approach. It was necessary to give Chaika the opportunity to get used to Charles and not perceive him as a threat. To achieve this goal, the factor closeness. Intimacy is an indispensable component of all interpersonal relationships. Just being in the field of view of the target of recruitment is critical to establishing personal relationships. Proximity awakens in the object sympathy for you and causes mutual attraction. As a result, people begin to be drawn to each other, even if they do not exchange words.

The main condition for creating intimacy is to be in a safe environment. If a person feels threatened by the overly intrusive and too close presence of another person, then he is alert and tries to sneak away, avoiding further rapprochement. In the scenario of making contact with Seagull, Charles kept enough distance so that he did not perceive him as a source of danger and the fight or flight reaction did not turn on.

Frequency refers to the number of contacts you have with another person per unit of time, while duration refers to the duration of each contact. As time passed, Charles added the impact of the second and third factor of friendship - frequency and duration. He did this by being seen more often by the diplomat during his trips to the store (frequency). After a few months, Charles turned on the duration component, spending more time with Seagull whenever he came into his line of sight—for example, walking him to the store, increasing the duration of each contact.

Intensity is the ability to satisfy the psychological and (or) physical needs of another person as much as possible through verbal or non-verbal behavior. The last ingredient in the friendship formula, intensity, was added gradually as Chaika grew accustomed to Charles's presence and became aware of the FBI agent's apparent reluctance to make direct contact immediately. In this case, the intensity was expressed in the factor curiosity. When a new stimulus appears in a familiar environment (in our example, a stranger appeared in Seagull's environment), the brain determines whether this stimulus represents a real threat or an imaginary one. If he identifies it as a real threat, then the person will try to eliminate or neutralize it, the fight or flight reaction will turn on. If, on the contrary, a new stimulus is not perceived as a threat, then it becomes an object of curiosity and a person seeks to find out who it is? Why is he here? Can I use it to my advantage?

While at a safe distance, Charles piqued Chaika's curiosity, which prompted him to find out who the man was and what he wanted.

Chaika later admitted that he recognized Charles as an FBI agent at first sight. True or not, Chaika caught the friendly signals that the FBI man was sending him. And his curiosity only increased after he found out that Charles actually works for the FBI. Certainly, the foreign diplomat understood that they wanted to recruit him, but he wanted to know for what purpose and at what cost. As Chaika was dissatisfied with his career and worried about his imminent retirement, he undoubtedly played out various scenarios of interaction with Charles in his mind, including spying for the United States.

The decision to become a spy is not made overnight. It takes time for a potential candidate to rationalize his tactics and justify abandoning his allegiance to his state. The recruiting strategy allowed time for the seeds of betrayal to sprout. Chaika's imagination itself supplied the material for the maturation of this thought. In addition, he spent this period trying to convince his wife to join him. When Charles finally approached Seagull directly, the diplomat no longer viewed the FBI agent as a threat, on the contrary, he saw him as a symbol of hope - hope for a better life in the future.

After Chaika had already decided to agree to work for the FBI, he had to wait some more time until Charles finally turned to him. He later admitted to Charles that this period was the most painful. Curiosity has reached its peak. Why doesn't the American take the next step? Indeed, when Charles introduced himself to Chaika in the store, he asked: “Why did you wait so long?”

Maya Angelou (1928–2014) was an American poet, writer, and civil rights activist. Note. ed.

According to the theory of the American physiologist Walter Cannon, developed in the 1920s, negative emotions, such as anger or fear, are biologically expedient: they prepare the body to develop the most intense muscle activity, entering into a fight or fleeing. This physical phenomenon is called the fight-or-flight response. Note. ed.

Why do some people easily make friends, are successful in a team, get promotions, build a career, while others, who do not lag behind the first in education and erudition, cannot boast of such success? What is it - luck, virtuoso hypocrisy or, perhaps, witchcraft? The authors of the book “Turn on charm according to the methods of special services” believe that success in life depends on the ability to make a good impression on people. And this quality is not an innate gift, it is a skill that can be learned by mastering a special technique. Read the work of former FBI agent Jack Schafer and Professor Marvin Carlins and become the first in all areas of life!

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Briefly about the authors

- ex-special agent of the FBI, professor of psychology. Shafer has vast experience in preparing counterterrorism operations and developing recruitment scenarios. He trained special agents in the techniques of influencing people. Today, Schafer heads Schafer and Associates, which works with special agents, law enforcement officers, and lawyers. Jack shares his knowledge and colossal experience with a wide audience in books, because he is convinced that the methodology of the special services is applicable in everyday life, when you just need to win over a personnel manager at an interview or start a conversation with a girl you like.

- co-author of the book "Turning on charm according to the methods of special services", professor of management. Carlins has written 24 books (I see what you're thinking is especially popular), has published more than 200 articles in scientific journals, is a frequent radio and TV speaker, and consults for world-famous companies.

What the book is about: a professional charm course

The book by Schafer and Carlins is a collection of rules, useful tips and practical recommendations, backed up by scientific facts and real life stories. It teaches you to make a good impression on the interlocutor (regardless of how long you have known each other and in what environment your communication takes place), to accurately recognize lies, manage your own emotions, understand the behavior of others and literally read their thoughts.

The main advantage of this publication is its multidirectionality, it really suits a very wide range of people:

people working in the field of sales (both beginners and experienced personnel);
employees in various fields to achieve higher results and promotion;
ordinary consumers who want to receive quality services and decent service;
parents and educators to build healthy relationships with children;
people who are long and unsuccessfully in search of a soul mate;
Anyone who wants to lead an interesting, active and successful social life.

The book is relatively small - it has only three hundred odd pages. It is written in a simple friendly manner, not at all in the way that professors usually write. Thanks to the abundance of interesting life stories, “Turn on the charm ...” is read avidly, like fiction.

From the book you will learn:

how to call for location;
what is the formula of friendship;
how to get attention without saying a word;
the laws of friendship and attraction;
the psychology of intimacy;
ways to establish and maintain long-term relationships;
pitfalls of communication and friendship in the virtual world.

After reading the Schafer-Carlins book, you will certainly want to improve yourself further. We recommend that you look at our selections and. You are sure to find something interesting for yourself!

Operation Seagull: the story of one recruitment

This book is the fruit of many years of experience of FBI special agent Jack Schafer, and therefore, in the first chapter, the author tells the story of one recruitment, which becomes eloquent confirmation of how important the secret codes of charm are in building interpersonal relationships.

The protagonist of this story (here appears under the code name Chaika) worked as a diplomat. The task of Schafer and his team was to convert the diplomat to the side of the United States. Since Chaika was an experienced intelligence officer, the recruitment scenario required extensive preparation. For many months, Schafer's team compiled psychological and social portraits of Chaika. They learned about the object's disagreements with the management, about what a small pension promises him, about the fact that he would like to move to the USA ...

When the operation was launched, the American agent did not come into personal contact with Chaika for a long time. He became his shadow, but the shadow of a friendly, understanding and ... very charming. An experienced officer immediately figured out surveillance, but it did not instill fear in him, over the months he seemed to have gotten used to his silent companion, and therefore when the agent first made contact, his conversation with Chaika went very calmly, ended on a major note and opened up the possibility for further negotiations.

The result of the operation was the recruitment of Chaika by the United States. The task was completed successfully and the key to this outcome was, first of all, a well-written script. The authors of the book tell this story in detail not for the sake of entertainment, thereby they bring the reader to an important conclusion - how important it is to win over a person even before the conversation begins. How drawing up a psychological portrait and a correct assessment of the future interlocutor are important in choosing the right behavior strategy. And most importantly, that the methodology of the special services is applicable in practice. The authors prove this in all subsequent chapters.

The formula of friendship and its application in real life

Friendship is by no means an unconscious feeling that arises on its own, it, the authors of the book note, has a very real formula.

Friendship = Intimacy + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

Let us consider in more detail the main components of this formula.

Under closeness understand the distance between you and the other person. Important in this case, the regularity of your appearances in the field of view of the object of proximity. In the case of Chaika, the American agent was in absolute proximity to the object from day one, but maintained a comfortable distance until the object got used to it. For another person, a sense of personal security is very important. A minimal threat can disrupt communication and permanently sever trust.

Frequency is the number of contacts per unit of time, and duration, respectively, their duration. In the case of Chaika, both of these indicators were on the rise. The agent appeared more and more often in the field of view of the object and spent more time with him.

Intensity- maximum satisfaction of the psychological and physical needs of a person, regardless of the form in which your communication takes place - verbal or non-verbal. In the case of Chaika, the agent aroused curiosity in the diplomat. He was interested to know who this person was and whether he could be useful to him, and since the FBI officer acted very delicately, the positive interest was not overshadowed by fear, panic and hostility.

Confirming that the formula of friendship works not only in the case of the recruitment of foreign diplomats, the authors give as an example a domestic situation that will be closer and more understandable to an ordinary reader. Its main character Philip is a guy from a small town who has just moved to Los Angeles. Making new friends was not so easy when you are not a student and do not live in a hostel. The specialist advised him to go to a bar. Philippe's task was to regularly enter the same bar, establish brief eye contact with the patrons, and head to the bar.

Philip was fond of collecting marble crafts. It was decided to use his unusual hobby as bait. The guy brought with him several figurines and a magnifying glass and began to examine them with interest. The bartender, who was supposed to make contact with him on duty, became a kind of "guide" between Philip and his potential friends.

The bartender actually asked the friendly young man what he was doing. Their short but interesting conversation was remembered by the bar employee, so the next time he recognized Philip and accepted him as his own. Soon, friendly relations began between them, he told about Philip's hobby to other visitors, so the hobby became the starting topic for communication. The guy thanked the experts, because with the help of this simple strategy he found friends in the big city.

As you can see, all ingenious is simple! This is just one of many scenarios that the authors lucidly describe in their book. Read with gusto, put these methods into practice and make your life better. It is rather arrogant to count on a happy occasion!

We turn on the charm according to the methodology of the special services, Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins

5 (100%) 2 votes

I continue to sing praises to one good publishing house and replenish my favorite collection with useful books. The book, authored by a former FBI agent, professor of psychology and behavioral analyst, fits right in there. It is useful from the first to the last page (although there are repetitions, but they are the mother of the doctrine), it gives a lot of advice and shows with examples that these tips work.

I confess that at first I was overcome by a worm of doubt. In the first chapter, the author shows how to make friends using the example of recruitment. And there is something dishonest, wrong in this. After all, recruitment entails betrayal, and friendship with betrayal, you understand, does not fit at all. In the same chapter, the author dissects friendship into several components, which also seemed wrong to me. Since friendship is something inexplicable, you are either friends with a person or you are not.

But then the doubt went away on its own, and I could no longer tear myself away from the book, read it for a long time and thoughtfully, outlined and repeated the phrase that “knowledge without practical application is dead knowledge” like a mantra. Because this book should not just be read, it should be practiced right away - in order to easily communicate with people and arouse their sympathy, to understand the behavior of other people, to recognize lies, manage anger and much more. Yes, it will be difficult, you will have to sweat, overcome embarrassment and even fear, in the end, discard disbelief. But the result, I'm sure, will be.

Practice, by the way, is enough in the book itself. For example, the epilogue contains a spy story that took place at the turn of the 19th and 20th centuries and was told by the spy himself. The author suggests reading it and understanding what methods described in the book were used by the spy. The epilogue is good both as a practical task and as an indicator that the methods work at any time and with any people.

For myself, I learned a lot of interesting, new and useful things. My personal top 10 useful tips (and there are actually more) from Jack Schafer looks like this.

1. The most important thing to remember is golden rule of friendship: "If you want people to like you, make them like themselves." For the most part, we are self-centered, thinking that the world revolves around us. Therefore, we are pleased to be in the spotlight, to feel exceptional and interesting. And in order to please a person, you need to show him all this. And then, when he likes you, he will already satisfy your needs and fulfill your desires.

2. Play with your eyebrows, instantly throwing them up, smile sincerely and tilt your head. All this is regarded as friendliness signals. If everything is clear with the first two, then with a tilt of the head it is more difficult. By tilting our head, we expose one of the carotid arteries located on the lateral surfaces of the neck on both sides to a blow. Instinctively, by tilting our head, we send a non-verbal signal: "I'm not afraid of you, I trust you." Those who keep their head straight or pull it into their shoulders, on the contrary, feel threatened. Watch the animals - even with them it works.

3. Avoid hostility signals. This is a gaze or appraisal, rolling or squinting eyes, furrowed eyebrows, naturally offensive gestures, an aggressive posture with legs wide apart and hands on hips, a wrinkled nose. Fight the so-called "angry city look", which is typical for residents of disadvantaged areas and just large cities. This look sends a clear signal to those you meet that you are an enemy, not a friend. It's a warning: don't come near me.

4. Practice sympathetic remarks. This is one of the most effective ways to help the interlocutor rise in his own eyes. “So you are…”, “It looks like you have…”, “I see that you…”.

5. Instead of doing compliments, let the interlocutor say them to himself. In this way, you can avoid insincerity and flattery.

Example:
- Looks like you've been very busy lately (sympathetic statement).
- Yes, for the last three weeks I have been working on the delivery of the project like an ox, sixty hours a week.
- You need to have real dedication and dedication to take on such a big project (inducement to compliment).
- Yes, I sacrificed a lot for this large-scale project.

6. Ask for a favor. A person who renders a courtesy or service to another rises in his own eyes.

7. Use swing bridges of communication, that is, mention the content of previous conversations, recall old jokes, thereby emphasizing that it is important and interesting for you what the interlocutor says.

8. Watch your lips. If the interlocutor purses his lips, then, most likely, he does not like something. If he bites his lip, he wants to say something, but restrains himself. Compressed lips say the same thing. Touching the lips indicates that the interlocutor is confused by the topic of conversation.

9. If you want to find out the true opinion of the interlocutor, approach the question from a third party point of view. Don't ask your husband how he feels about cheating. Say: “Imagine, my friend found her husband in bed with another” and listen to what he says.

10. If you want to know if the other person is telling you the truth, ask closed questions suggesting either an affirmative or negative answer. If you hear an uncertain “well” in response, then most likely they are lying to you. It is the same if the interlocutor goes into the territory of uncertainty, and does not answer the question clearly and precisely.

Photo: Mikael Kristenson, Unsplash

Zillion.Reading:

“We turn on the charm according to the methods of special services”

Disbelief in friendship, loneliness in big cities, lack of close relationships, deceptively comfortable communication on social networks, conflicts, stress from the crisis of the need to sell at all costs - former FBI agent Jack Schafer knows what to do with it all. He is far from thinking that friendship, sympathy, relationships and achieving goals in communication are a matter of luck. For many years he studied charm, body language and the laws of attraction. As a result, I understood the formula of friendship and tested it in different circumstances. Today on Zillion - a summary of the book "Turning on the charm according to the methods of special services."

John "Jack" Schafer

Doctor of Philosophy, professor, psychologist. Intelligence consultant and former FBI special agent. He devoted 15 years to counterintelligence and antiterrorist work. 7 years was an FBI specialist in the field of behavioral analysis. He looked for methods of recruiting agents, interrogated terrorists, taught future agents the art of interrogation and persuasion. Author of numerous articles and 6 books. Professor in the School of Law Enforcement and Criminal Justice at Western Illinois University.

Marvin Carlins

Professor of Management at the College of Business Administration at the University of South Florida. He received his Ph.D. from Princeton University. Advises organizations around the world on the effectiveness of interpersonal communication. He has written and co-authored 24 books, including 2 bestsellers.

About the book

The authors of The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting and Winning People Over are John "Jack" Schafer and Marvin Carlins. Jack Schafer is a charming "polite person" in Work in the FBI provided him with a lot of opportunities to learn how to split criminals without pressure, and sometimes even without words, to recruit the right people, to solve family and domestic problems.

Schafer is sure that most of the communication problems can be solved if you act competently; friendship definitely exists (in case you are disappointed in it); building close relationships is a matter of technique and bilateral willingness to work on it.

In general, this is a rather cruel book - it is written easily, but it will certainly be emotionally difficult to read, because you will remember everyone who was lost due to strategic and tactical errors in communication. But rather, even because you had no strategy or tactics. You and the other side were simply guided by momentary emotions and believed that "fate" or "not fate." In fact, long and deep friendships are more expensive than anger and disagreements - and in order to have close people in life, you need to work on this. But most people do not even know how to set foot on the path of strong friendship - they are cut off when faced with difficulties during the mandatory period of the so-called "free fall".

Schafer speaks about the formula of friendship and the laws of attractiveness without cynicism, he simply tells interesting stories from his agency and personal practice and explains why he managed not to frighten away and recruit, easily get a confession, get rid of his daughter's dubious boyfriends, drop a drunk passenger off the plane and fly away before everyone else and in business class.

A lot of attention in the book is paid to communication in social networks and body language. Schafer believes that our communication often fails due to the fact that we do not listen and do not see each other - do not observe, do not think about what is reasonable to say next, and do not analyze body language. Usually people let communication take its course: they catch non-verbal signals only at a subconscious level and react to them automatically, without meaning. As a result, they do not use a huge layer of information, on which the development of relations and the movement of the skid from “stranger” to “friend” or “enemy” depend every second.

Organizations like the FBI are honed to effectively "fix things," so there's a lot to learn from them. By the way, read ours with a psychologist, programmer and writer Denis Bukin, the author of the book and on Zillion "Development of memory according to the methods of special services."

In general - to everyone, just in order to try to build relationships with people in the future, and not look for some kind of ephemeral providentiality in them. Life is much simpler: everything has a cause and effect, and if you have “Brownian” communication based on momentary reactions and denying psychological patterns, then the results are appropriate.

There are many points of application of this knowledge, according to needs: friendship, flirting, family relationships, raising children, sales, solving organizational problems and business problems, quietly obtaining information, pickup, negotiations, recruiting, etc. Schafer and Carlins provide ethical aspects to deal with on their own - knowledge itself is neutral.

Ideas from the book

Cullen Hightower: "Friends are made among strangers." Friendship or enmity begins from the first second of contact.
Charm solves problems better than anger. No one would have thought to decipher the FBI acronym as the Federal Office of Welcome.
The human species is programmed to find friends. But it has never been easy and enjoyable. Most people lose nascent friendships when they give up during the natural “free fall” period.
Get used to thinking about what you say. Words can become a mine in communication or turn sympathy into friendship and relationships for life.
Long and deep relationships are available to you - this is not an accident or luck. You just need to use scientific knowledge and proven methods in practice. Treat knowledge like a circular saw: don't push or stop it from doing its job. Be natural, be yourself and practice. Friendship is a skill.
Maya Angelou: "I realized that people will forget what you said and forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Talk in such a way that the interlocutor constantly gets the opportunity to compliment himself. Whether you become friends or enemies, determines, in essence, only one thing - whether a person likes himself in communication with you.
Look into your eyes, raise your eyebrows, tilt your head. Now do nothing, calmly arouse curiosity in a safe environment.
Strangers are watching each other. As we go about our business, the brain is constantly scanning the environment to figure out how to perceive those who appear nearby. If a stranger aroused your interest, it means that the brain chose him as interesting.
People give each other signals all the time: explicit and veiled, hostile and friendly. This is clear information - and everyone unconsciously reads it. Don't be surprised if you don't get approached if you turn away or give you an "angry city look." Learn body language.
Do not explain or prove anything when a person is angry. He is simply not able to think rationally and make adequate decisions at this time.
If you are teaching, make innocent mistakes to refresh attention and encourage people to speak up.
If you are presenting a project or startup, convince those who are skeptical. Fight the urge to appeal to supporters.
People like to be remembered. Use "swivel bridges": start with the subject of the last conversation and remember common jokes.
How did Jan Carlzon bring Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS) out of the doldrums? He allowed the staff to deal with passengers directly.
Benjamin Franklin: "He who once did you good is more willing to help you again than he whom you have helped yourself."
The normal desire is to open emotional floodgates when you feel like you've found a friend. Slow down, use the Hansel and Gretel technique.
Any relationship weakens over time - this is normal. But they can be refreshed and strengthened by the formula of friendship.
A nice person seems repulsive if he makes friends with a group of unpleasant people.
Friends are the few who ask how you are and listen.
Hold on to the ego. Dominance in communication violates the golden rule of friendship.
A good seller creates the illusion of free choice for the buyer, but in fact imposes the choice he needs.
Keep in mind: direct questions put people on edge.
Let me finish my thought. If you don't like what you hear, just protest. Maybe there is a rational grain and both will be satisfied with a compromise?
Henry Ford: "If there is a secret to success, it lies in the ability to comprehend the point of view of another person and look at the world with his eyes, as if with his own."
At the beginning of love, write sincere letters and put them in a transparent box with the inscription "In case of divorce, break the glass."
Everything that you post about yourself on the Web will remain there forever.
Don't let virtual reality obscure real connections.

What else will you learn

How to increase your LQ (Likability Quotient) - the coefficient of cuteness.
What does the golden rule of friendship sound like?
How to arouse sympathy in almost any person.
How to make friends or pick up people at a bar if you're shy.
What to do if the relationship falls apart.
What are the 4 components of the friendship formula.
How to smoothly nullify unwanted contacts without injuring a person.
How to use the "search for common ground" technique.
How to get attention before you even start talking.
What are the "big three" friendly signals.
How to use isopraxy.
What 7 tricks allow waiters to get big tips.
How to sell to those who gravitate towards introversion and extroversion.
What is the "rocky road law"?
How to pitch your idea to your boss.
Why every time you look for a vacant parking space, the driver starts digging in the glove compartment.

Friendship formula

I realized that people will forget what you said and forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

Operation Seagull

This person's codename is Seagull. He was a high-ranking foreign diplomat. If we were able to recruit him, it would be a great and valuable asset for the United States of America.

Now he had to establish a close relationship with Chaika, without frightening him with the prospect of rough recruitment - and this is a difficult task. FBI operative Charles was instructed to establish contact with Chaika, gradually get closer to him and bring the trust of the relationship to such an extent that it would be possible to make him a specific offer. This is how a good wine is brought to the required maturity in order to enjoy its bouquet later. The agent was warned that if he was too hasty, Seagull would likely become alert and avoid contact. To begin with, the agent had to stick to the tactics of establishing friendly relations. The first thing Charles had to do was to please Seagull without saying a single word. The second step would be to express the sympathy that has arisen in words with a hint of a lasting friendship.

Using the Seagull case as an example, we now explore what led Charles to success in recruiting. In this case, the FBI agent used friendship formula.

Friendship formula

The formula of friendship consists of four main components: intimacy, frequency, duration and intensity. These four variables can be written as the following simple mathematical equation:

Friendship = Intimacy + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

Frequency refers to the number of contacts you have with another person per unit of time, and duration refers to the duration of each contact. As time passed, Charles added the impact of the second and third factor of friendship - frequency and duration. He did this by being seen more often by the diplomat during his trips to the store (frequency). After a few months, Charles turned on the duration component, spending more time with Seagull whenever he came into his sight - for example, walking him to the store, increasing the duration of each contact.

Intensity is the ability to maximally satisfy the psychological and (or) physical needs of another person through verbal or non-verbal behavior. The last ingredient in the friendship formula, intensity, was added gradually as Chaika grew accustomed to Charles's presence and became aware of the FBI agent's apparent reluctance to make direct contact immediately. In this case, the intensity was expressed in the factor curiosity. When a new stimulus appears in a familiar environment (in our example, a stranger appeared in Seagull's environment), the brain determines whether this stimulus represents a real threat or an imaginary one. If he identifies it as a real threat, then the person will try to eliminate or neutralize it, the fight or flight reaction will turn on. If, on the contrary, a new stimulus is not perceived as a threat, then it becomes an object of curiosity and a person seeks to find out who it is? Why is he here? Can I use it to my advantage?

While at a safe distance, Charles piqued Chaika's curiosity, which prompted him to find out who the man was and what he wanted.

Frequency and Duration

Such a variable of the friendship formula as duration has a unique property: the more time you are with a person, the more influence he has on your thoughts and actions. Mentors who spend a lot of time with their mentees have a very positive influence on them. People with bad habits and inclinations have a negative impact on others. The best example of effectiveness in this case is the relationship between parents and children. The more time parents devote to children, the more they influence them. If parents neglect this duty, then children begin to communicate more with friends, succumbing to their influence; and after all, such friends may be members of some local criminal group. These people have more influence over the child simply because they spend more time with him.

Duration is inversely proportional to frequency. If you often meet with a friend, then your meetings become shorter. On the contrary, if you meet rarely, then the duration of each meeting increases significantly. For example, you see a friend every day, but not for long, because you maintain regular contact depending on the occurrence of new events. However, if you meet twice a year, then the duration of your meeting will be much longer. Recall how you had lunch at a restaurant with a friend whom you had not seen for a long time. They probably sat at the table for several hours, catching every word of the story about the events that had taken place in his life. The duration of lunch with a friend is reduced by regular meetings. On the contrary, in love relationships both frequency and duration are very high, as couples, especially newly formed ones, want to spend as much time with each other as possible. The intensity of such relations is also very high.

Relationship self-assessment

Recall how your current relationship or relationships that are now in the past began. Surely you will see that they developed according to the laws of the friendship formula. This formula can be used to determine what you need to fix. For example, a married couple who has been married for several years understands that the relationship is deteriorating, but does not know how to save the situation. You can try to evaluate it yourself if you understand the state of each component of the friendship formula. The first condition to be tested is proximity. Are the spouses constantly nearby, or do they, in fact, live separately, only occasionally meeting in the same apartment? The second most important condition is frequency. How often do spouses spend time together? The third condition is duration. How much attention do spouses pay to each other when they see each other? And the fourth is intensity. This is the cement that securely holds the family together. A couple can have everything: intimacy, frequency, and duration, but without intensity. An example of such a married couple can be a husband and wife who sit at home all the time, watch TV together, but do not experience any emotions from communicating with each other. Such relationships will improve if you add intensity to them. For example, a couple might go to a restaurant and have a romantic date to rekindle the feelings they had for each other during their first encounters. You can also turn off the TV and talk for a few hours a day to revive a fading relationship.

The number of combinations of the four components of friendship is almost infinite and depends on the style of communication between the spouses. In many cases, one of the partners is on business trips all the time and is very rarely at home. Lack of intimacy is bad for relationships because it tends to reduce frequency, duration, and intensity, but it can be overcome with modern technology. Frequency, duration, and intensity can be maintained through email, chat, Skype, and social media.

Knowing the basic variables of friendship, you will learn to evaluate existing relationships and develop new ones by consciously adjusting the four basic elements. To practice self-assessment of relationships, look at the relationship you are currently in from this perspective and see how each of the four parts of the formula affects it. If you want to strengthen your relationship, consider tweaking the friendship formula to get the results you want.

In addition, you can get rid of unwanted contacts if you begin to gradually reduce each of the main elements of the friendship formula. This gentle, gradual approach will allow you to end the relationship without hurting your partner, as it won't feel like a sudden breakup. In most cases, the person himself will come to the conclusion that the old relationship is not viable, and will begin to build new ones.

Portal for the student. Self-training

Read online, turn on the charm according to the methodology of the special services. Turn on the charm: head tilt

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This book is well complemented by: