All of us have experienced certain losses in our lives - death, divorce, separation, serious illness (loss of health), the final break of friendship, etc.

During the experience of loss, pain arises from which there is no escape. It must be lived through, and each person can go through this process of living pain only on his own, even if there are close people nearby who are ready to help.

In any case, the experience of loss goes through 5 stages and takes an average of 6-14 months. You can go through some stages very quickly, some will take longer, but it is important not to get stuck on any of them. If you feel that your condition has not changed for a long time, it is better to consult a specialist.

Stages of living loss:

Negation. The person does not believe that it really happened, that it happened to him ( "it's not true", "it can't be", "it's not with me").

Aggression. It is directed, as a rule, outward, to someone or something. For example, a wife blames her husband or rival, circumstances or other people who, in her opinion, are to blame for what is happening to her now.

Finding a compromise ("bargaining"). At this stage, the person already blames himself ( "if I had acted (a) differently", "if I had not done (a), did not say (a)"). He can direct energy to "pay off" from grief, for example, he turns to God and other Higher powers in order to make a deal so that everything returns to its previous state ( "I'm ready to change", "I'm ready to forgive everything", "I won't do that again").

Depression. Hands down, it seems that nothing makes sense. A person turns his gaze deep into himself and plunges into the abyss of his suffering.

Adoption. This is the stage of realizing the loss and accepting one's own responsibility for the event that caused the grief, which is now perceived as part of life. It has its beginning, development and end. The person regains a sense of inner support and is ready to return to life.

Any pain must be lived to the end, only then it goes away completely. An example of this is pain during childbirth. She is very strong, but the labor pain cannot be stopped, the woman is simply forced to live it to the end. That is why this pain at the level of feelings is very quickly forgotten. Of course, the woman remembers her, but emotionally she has already let her go. Nature is very wise, otherwise it would be very difficult to decide on repeated births.

If we do not live the pain to the end, then our psyche will scroll it over and over again, attracting similar situations. For example, without experiencing the pain of parting, we will again find ourselves in situations in which we are abandoned, left. And, only when we return to the situation that started this process, we will be able to stop this chain of events.

How to live the pain to the end?

It cannot be compensated (drink alcohol, seize, rush into a new relationship). From this, the pain does not disappear, but only goes deeper, making it difficult to feel the joy and fullness of life and periodically coming out.

Look at your pain. You may feel it in your body. Perhaps you can visualize or draw it. In any case, becoming an observer will help you separate yourself from the pain and realize that pain is only a part of you, that you are more than pain, which means that you can deal with it.

If you feel emotional pain in some part of the body, then consciously intensify it, bring it to the limit. After that, she leaves.

Pay attention to your pain, let it be, and live it consciously, making time for it every day. You will feel exactly what you need. If you want to cry - cry, but not sobbing softly, but sobbing, in a voice. You may want to howl, growl, roll on the floor. Do it. You can hit a sofa or chair with a pillow, this also gives vent to emotions.

If you need words, then connect them too. Speak out whatever is stuck and blocked. Phrases can be anything "How could you!", "It hurts so much!", "I love you..."). Some phrases you will want to shout not once, but dozens or even hundreds of times. So this emotion was sharp and clamped. Just repeat these words. With each new repetition, the emotion will come out, after which calmness will come.

You can write about the pain you feel. This will also give her an outlet. You must write by hand, not on a computer. Do not choose words, write everything that comes to mind, not limited to literary language. It is necessary to write until negative emotions are replaced by love and gratitude. This practice is effective for those who have a fear of releasing their emotions.

Pain also comes out through physical activity (running, walking, playing sports). If you can neither cry nor write, then load yourself. This will help reduce the intensity of negative emotions and relieve heaviness.

Time for mourning and pain living during the day should be limited. In the rest of the day, go about your daily activities, take time for yourself. The process of living the pain will continue from within.

If you are a believer, then when your soul hurts, the Orthodox Church recommends confessing and taking communion. By performing this sacrament, we allow God to penetrate us and unite with him.

Unlived emotion must be brought to an end.

After the situation is lived, it will become calmer inside.

The first signal that the process of mourning is ending is the state of emptiness inside. It can be new and even unpleasant. The vast space of the vessel of your soul used to be filled with pain, and now you yourself choose how to fill it.

The best fillers are love and gratitude. Be sure to let them into your soul and heart, otherwise, if you do not fill the vacant place with something new, energy similar to the old one will be attracted there.

Loss of loved ones

The loss of a loved one causes feelings, emotions, state. Everything is intertwined. You're losing control. Feelings of resentment, annoyance, pity, sadness. Feeling of helplessness. A person close to you has just been with you and suddenly, suddenly he is gone. Feelings of loss, loss, grief, misfortune. All this together causes PAIN.

The pain is mental, but it is felt many times stronger, sharper than physical. We get a wound that cannot be quickly bandaged. A wound from which blood flows, but which cannot be stopped in an instant. Do not put a tourniquet on the heart.

The pain of losing loved ones is only acute.

Medicine does not know where the Soul is. It is not in the anatomical atlas. But she hurts. And physical pain.

Medical professionals can only offer drugs for the heart and nervous system. But they act as painkillers - temporarily. People say that time heals. But no one can tell you how long this time should pass.

When my father died, I was 19 years old. Despite the fact that he was ill and I knew that he might not be with us soon, the news of his death was very unexpected for me.

At first it seems that everything happened as expected. But when you see a loved one in a coffin, the world turns upside down. The realization that he is not there, along with all the feelings at once, rolls over.

Time, time. It doesn't heal, trust me. For ten years in a row, I went to my father at the cemetery on the day of his death. Each time she roared like a beluga. Time doesn't heal. And there are no drugs. But not everything is hopeless. There are ways to deal with this. I found out about them a few years later.

Emotions at the loss of loved ones, of course, are different, but more often they simply do not exist. They are depressed. General state of depression and hopelessness. When the brain refuses to believe in what is happening to you, it frantically looks for possible ways to adapt to this world in new conditions. This is horror.

At this time there is no rationalism. The survival mechanism is activated. Then you realize that everything could have been done differently.

Do you think that if you experience the loss of a loved one once, the second will be easier? Many say so. I believed. And even experienced a little easier. But figs to you.

If a person is really close to you, everything will start all over again!

Now I know for sure. Survived. My husband passed away three days ago.

Psychologists can explain this in their own way. Guys, don't try. Psychologist herself. This is not at all what we are taught.

Hopelessness? Partly yes.

What I will share with you is not a panacea. But this is one of the ways to overcome the state in which you find yourself when you lose a loved one.

This state can be compared, for example, with the fact that you get into a torrential downpour. You get wet through, the water is all around, it is not possible to move. There are two exits. There is nothing to stand doing, and wait until the rain stops, or move to cover.

Of course, we must move. The Choice goes into hiding. Temporary or permanent? In the temporary, you can wait out the rain, but you will still be wet. And even if you manage to dry out, it will not be easy, but after that you again need to go out into the dampness to get to the house.

Yes, the house may be far away. And you will have to get in the rain and knee-deep in water. But there is a huge plus. There are dry clothes, warm showers and hot tea at home.

The same goes for the loss of loved ones. We often choose a temporary solution in the beginning.

And then you have to dive into a state of loss again and again to find your way home. That is, to find that solution, that comfortable state in which you can continue to live, carefully preserving the memory of a loved one, without experiencing suffering.

Let me remind you that this is not a panacea and not a pill with an analgesic (painkiller).

This is a quantum leap of consciousness. Exactly. Awareness of the meaning of life. Awareness of the structure of the world, the universe. The top of awareness is awareness of oneself, one's role in this universe, and, of course, in this physical world on this planet.

This knowledge helps to see the big picture, and not a separate piece of the puzzle, which we usually see every day.

How do you force yourself to take a quantum leap? Force - no way.

You can't force yourself. We only do what is logically sound or intuitive. Quantum jumps cannot be explained logically. You can't even physically feel them. But the attitude towards oneself, others, the world is changing. You see and notice things that you did not believe yesterday. And there is no need to look for evidence for this.

This is how it works in the physical world. You see - prove that you see it. I got bored of this for a long time. People are busy proving they sneezed. Absurd.

A moment is fleeting. What happened a second ago does not return. The movement of the planets, the entire universe, and everything in the universe is based on this.

“There is only a moment between the past and the future, there is only a moment - live for it.”

P.S. I wrote this article back in March. I'm posting just now. But perhaps why not right away and what else helped me get back to work, we'll talk next time.

Pain, longing, anger, confusion...? All feelings seemed to be mixed up, turning into one lump that was stuck in the chest ...
Breath intercepts, and we do not understand what we should do next, without this person? How to live when a part of you, your soul, heart is gone ... just empty, dead. How to fill the void that has swallowed us?
They say that time heals, that everything passes and is forgotten... But is that true?
Is it possible to cure a chronic disease with expensive drugs? Not…
You can only heal ... for some period ...
So it is with feelings ... with life ...
We are losing a loved one. Our hearts are bursting from pain. Our brains “explode” from thoughts… It seems to us that life no longer makes sense.
We seek solace wherever possible and each in our own way. We think that just about, a little more and time will cure everything. And then everything will be as before.
But that doesn't happen...
Time heals the wound, but does not heal ...
Because when we lose a loved one, we become vulnerable...morally and physically. We pretend that everything is fine, but inside of us "a hurricane is raging." I want to shout to the whole world about my pain, to tell everyone to make it easier.
We are angry at fate, asking: “Why???”… Why is fate so cruel to us today?… We experience unbearable longing, despair…. I want to fall asleep, soundly, soundly and, waking up, to see that everything is a dream. And we just dreamed it.... But, returning to reality, we understand that we have lost...
How to deal with this loss?
What needs to be done so that time becomes the best medicine after all. How to heal the wound so that you can live on without experiencing pain?
Maybe we just don't want to accept that reality. Although we understand that we need to move on……
Live for life. To love, for the sake of love. A play on words... and how much sense.
Maybe we need to stop being selfish about ourselves. Learn to accept reality as it is sent to us from above. It is very difficult, sometimes almost impossible. But, if you think about it, in fact, we are stronger than we think. We just don't want to understand it. There is strength in each of us - spiritual strength.
The force that makes us go further and not stop in the middle of the path, even if it seems that life is over. Think. What this strength should be in order not just to REMEMBER, but to live on, keeping in the soul, in the heart every moment spent with a loved one.
We have lost... It hurts... Life has separated us... Separated forever. But we stayed, here in this World... Why? After all, each of us asked ourselves this question, but did not find the answer to it.
Maybe I can answer that question, I don't know...
It seems to me that Life must go on, no matter how painful and hard it is ... and if you stay here, you need to live! To live for the sake of close people, to live for the sake of the person who was lost. Live and Remember, keep every moment, every minute spent with him. Do something so that Memory does not become an empty word. Anything - write a book, dedicate beautiful lines, compose music, draw a picture, “discover” a new star, finally! Everything you would like to say to a person - say it ... Not with words, but with actions and deeds, in memory of this person.
And no matter how it hurts, live ...
No need to regret. No need to cry. Just take a step forward... One small step towards life... Look around... Smile, even through tears.
I know it's very difficult... But still try... How I did it :)
After all, I don’t even write these lines just like that ... I dedicate them to my closest people whom I have lost. For them and for them! For the sake of memory....
But I do not forget that I have close people who need me today, people who help me move on. People for whom it is worth living, even if my heart sometimes breaks from longing... I live...
Because I have no right to be weak! Because I love...
Maybe everyone who reads my words will understand something for themselves, decide something. Perhaps someone will disagree with me. But I will be happy if my words help someone. So everything I do is not in vain...
Life goes on... Never stop! Live, Love and Remember...
You are not alone... There are always people who need you... Let them into your life and into your heart...

Don't close...

Everything will work out...

When you lose someone or something very dear to you, it can be a great grief. You may be constantly haunted by pain, sad memories, and unanswered questions. You may even feel that you will never be the same again - that you will never laugh and be together. Take heart – while there is no longing without pain, there are healthy ways to grieve that help you move forward constructively. Do not choose a life without joys - work on your losses and gradually, but exactly you will feel better.

Steps

Part 1

Getting rid of sadness

Look loss in the face. After a major loss, we sometimes want to do something, anything, to ease the pain. Exposure to bad habits such as drug use, alcohol abuse, too much sleep, the Internet, excessive and thoughtless promiscuity threaten your well-being and further addictive pain. You will never be truly healed until you face the loss. Ignoring the pain of loss or comforting yourself won't work that long - no matter how fast you run from your grief, it will eventually catch up with you. You must face your loss. Allow yourself to cry or grieve in a different way to feel natural. Only by acknowledging your grief can you begin to deal with it.

• When the memory of loss is still fresh, grief deserves your full attention. However, you must draw a line for the duration of your grief. Give yourself time, perhaps a few days to a week, to be miserable. Prolonged sadness will eventually cause you to be stuck in a sense of loss, paralyzed by self-pity, and unable to move forward.

1. Release your pain. Let the tears flow. Never be afraid to cry, even if it's not something you normally do. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel or express pain. The important thing is that you recognize the pain and try to work through it. How you do this is entirely up to you and will vary from person to person.

   • Find an outlet for your pain. If you are forced to engage in certain activities when you are grieving, do so (as long as it does not harm yourself or others.) Cry while beating your pillow Go for a long run Throw things Go on a long trip forest or other deserted place and sorting through memories - these are just a few of the ways in which different people pour out their pain. All of them are equally effective.
   • Do not do anything that could harm you or others. Loss should not cause harm or worse. Take the time to learn to rely on your inner emotional reserves and deal with pain.

2. Share your feelings with others. It's helpful to find people who can take care of you when you're feeling down. If you cannot find such a person among your acquaintances, contact a caring stranger, a priest, a psychologist or a therapist. Even if you feel overwhelmed, confused and uncertain, talking to someone you trust is one way to allow yourself to begin to let go of the pain you are experiencing. Think of the conversation as sorting out your emotions - your thoughts don't have to be coherent or motivated. They just need to be expressive.

   If you're worried that those who listen to you may become embarrassed or upset, forewarning what you're going to talk about will alleviate the problem. Just let them know that you are sad, upset, confused, etc., and that you appreciate the person listening to you, despite the fact that some of your words do not make any sense to him. A caring friend or stranger won't mind.

   • Among those who dismiss your grief may even be your friends with good (but wrong) intentions. Reconnect with these people when you feel stronger. Until then, stay away from their impatience - you can not rush your emotional recovery.

3. No regrets. After you have lost someone, you may feel guilty. You may be tormented by thoughts like, “I wish I said goodbye one last time,” or “I could have treated this person better.” Don't let yourself sink into your guilt. You cannot change the past by thinking about it over and over again. It is not your fault that you lost someone you loved. Instead of dwelling on what you did or should have done, focus on what you can do - fire up your emotions and move forward.

   • If you feel guilty after a loss, talk to other people who knew the person or animal. They can almost always help you convince yourself that the loss is not your fault.

4. Save things that remind you of your loved one. Just because a person or animal has passed away from this world does not mean that you should not always remember them. You may be pleased to know that even though the person or animal is not around, the friendship, love and personal relationship you still have with them. No one can ever take that away from you, and your relationship with them will always be a part of you. Some memorabilia will forever be useful, reminding you of your courage, perseverance and ability to imagine a better future.

   • Keep mementos that remind you of a person or animal in a box somewhere out of sight. Take them out when you want to immerse yourself in memories. As a rule, leaving memorabilia in plain sight is a bad idea. The constant reminder that someone is no longer around will prevent you from moving on.

5. Get help. In our society, a huge disadvantage is the stigma attached to people who seek help with emotional problems. Seeing a therapist or psychologist will not make you weak or miserable. Rather, it is a sign of strength. When you ask for help, you show an amazing desire to move forward and overcome your grief. Feel free to make an appointment with a professional—in 2004, more than a quarter of American adults had seen a therapist in the previous two years.

   Part 2

   Working towards happiness

   1. Don't focus on sadness. Try to remember the good times and the best moments with the person or animal before you lost them. Focusing on negative thoughts or regret cannot change what has already happened. It will just make you feel even worse. Be sure that none of those who have ever brought you happiness will want you to drown in sadness. Try to remember what this person talked about, the little quirky mannerisms, the time you spent laughing together, and the things this person taught about life, about yourself.

      • If you have lost a pet, remember the wonderful times you spent together, the happy life that your pet gave you, and his special character traits.
      • Any time you are on the verge of falling into sadness, anger, or self-pity, grab a journal and write down the good memories of the person or pet that is no longer with you. In moments of sadness, you can flip through this magazine for a reminder of the happiness you had.

   2. Distract yourself. Keep yourself constantly busy and keep yourself busy with tasks that require constant focus, so give yourself a break from constantly thinking about the loss. It also gives you the opportunity to understand that there are still good things in our world.

      • Work or school can provide some relief from constant thoughts of loss, but don't rely entirely on the mundane to distract yourself, or you risk getting used to feeling like there's only work and sadness and nothing else. Help yourself by becoming happier through self-activity by doing things that give you a sense of peace. There are various hobbies such as gardening, cooking, fishing, listening to your favorite music, walking, drawing, painting, reading, etc. Choose something that calms you down and gives you a sense of joyful achievement (not something that everyday work or school might promise) .
      • Consider actively participating in social work. Shift your attention from your own problems to someone else's. Volunteering is one option. If you love children, helping to work with young children who burst into spontaneity and laughter can ease your mind.

   3. Find joy in beautiful days. A common sign of grief is to stay at home, neglecting your outer life. When the first sadness has passed, take the opportunity to greet sunny days. Spend some time walking, watching and just noticing the beauty of nature. Don't try to chase specific feelings - just allow the warmth of the sun to pass through you and the sounds of the world to flow through you. Admire the beauty of the trees and the architecture you see. Let the hustle and bustle of life remind you that the world is beautiful. Life goes on - you deserve to be a part of it and eventually return to everyday life.

      Get back the idea of ​​what you have lost. When you lose someone, it's sad but true that you will never enjoy his or her physical presence. However, this does not mean that the person or animal you lost still does not exist in the world as an idea or symbol. It is known that the person you have lost lives in your thoughts, words and deeds. When we say, do or think about something, we do it under the influence of the memory of those who have gone, and thus he lives.

      • Many religions teach that a person's soul or essence remains after his or her body's physical death. Other religions teach that a person, in essence, turns into another matter or is reborn on earth. If you are a believer, take comfort in the fact that the person you lost still exists in a spiritual sense.

   4. Spend time with good people. You may find it difficult to force yourself to go out and spend time with friends after a loss. However, it can cause a noticeable improvement in mood. It is good to look for a group of friends who will understand your emotional state, even if you have not yet recovered to 100%. Find cheerful, but kind and sensitive friends or acquaintances. They will help you return to your normal social role, which in turn will help you take your mind off your grief.

      • Your first meeting after a severe loss can be a little cramped or awkward, because your friends are just very concerned about how to approach the issue. Do not let these circumstances lower your head - sooner or later you will still need to return to public life. Be persistent, although it can take weeks or months before things fall into place, spending time with good friends is almost always a great idea.

   5. Don't pretend to be happy. When you return to a normal lifestyle, you may feel the need for a career and social status in order to feel happier than you really are. While you should try not to wallow in sadness all day long, you should also not try to be happy "by force". Being happy "by force" is terrible - you have to walk around with a smile when you really don't want to. Don't turn happiness into horror. It must come of itself and seriously affect your social life and work, provided that you do not in any way interfere with the happiness of others. Smile when you are truly happy - it will be much more pleasant.

   6. Let time heal the wounds. Time heals all wounds. Your emotional recovery may take several months or years - this is normal. At the same time, you can eventually begin to honor the memory of the person you lost by showing more determination to enjoy life to the fullest.

      • Don't worry - you will never forget those you loved. Don't let yourself lose the inner confidence that will help you rediscover lost goals and accomplishments. A focus of effort, a new sense of worth, or a whole new way of thinking about some aspect of your life can change how you feel about life from this perspective. This progress will become impossible if you don't give yourself some time to heal.
      • When taking the time to heal wounds, it is important to remember that your life is precious and that you are responsible for most of your lifetime. The purpose of your life is to be happy, not sad. Don't run away from grief, but don't settle for a partial recovery either. Make your path to recovery one of the paths to gradual improvement. You owe it to yourself to keep moving forward, no matter how long it takes.
      • Music can be a very soothing way to deal with a problem when you feel loss and pain. Try to smoothly transition from sad to more upbeat songs, or you can just be sad for a while while listening to sad music.
      • If someone tells you to "don't mind" don't argue with them. This will make you feel even worse, because it will mean that you are not good at holding back emotions, unlike someone else. In other words, you will start to think that you have a problem dealing with your grief, when in fact there is no such problem. It's just what you feel. Just do not listen to them, because they do not know what kind of relationship you had with your loved one. You will survive the grief yourself, everything has its time.
      • Remember that every person feels differently. Don't worry if you feel like it's harder for you to bounce back than others from the same loss. This usually shows how close your loved one really was to you. Some people don't even cry, while others take months to calm down.
      • Grief operates in its own unique sequence, affecting different people in different ways. Not everyone will be able to deal with it right away, and, again, not everyone will experience it equally painfully.
      • Life is beautiful - it has many more surprises for you. So go ahead and smile, visit new places and meet new people.
      • You are free to think about other things. Nowhere is it said that you have to live with the loss to prove your sadness or to show others how much the loss means to you. People already know that you are shocked, you don't have to prove or explain anything.
      • Don't regret anything. Don't give up because you missed a chance to apologize or say "I love you" or "Goodbye." You can still say it.
      • Love yourself. If you fall (and you will), laugh at yourself, give yourself a kick, and move on.
      • Patience is the key. Don't force yourself if things can happen as they should.

      Warnings

      • Beware of methods such as drugs and alcohol, they can lead to further problems and addiction.

The death of a loved one is a difficult ordeal. How to survive pain, what are pathological reactions to grief and how a specialist can help, says Natalia Rivkina, member of the educational committee of the International Society for Psychosocial Oncology, head of the clinic for psychiatry and psychotherapy at the European Medical Center (EMC)

Natalia Rivkina Photo: press service

From shock to despair: how we accept the death of loved ones

There are several stages that every person goes through when experiencing a loss. These are shock, anger, despair and acceptance. As a rule, these stages take a year. It is no coincidence that in ancient traditions the mourning for the deceased lasted the same amount. These experiences are individual and depend on the degree of closeness with the deceased person, on the circumstances in which he passed away. At each stage, there may be experiences that seem abnormal to people. For example, they hear the voice of a deceased person or feel his presence. They can remember the deceased, dream about him, they may even feel angry at the deceased, or, conversely, not experience any emotions. These states are natural and are due to the functioning of the brain. But it is important to know that pathological reactions to stress can occur at each of the stages.

It is believed that the most difficult time follows immediately after the loss. This is not entirely true. At the moment when we lose a loved one, biological defense mechanisms are activated. It may seem to us that what happened is unreal, or we seem to be watching events from the side. Many patients say that at this moment they do not feel anything. This condition can last from several hours to several days.

Sometimes, in the event of the unexpected death of a loved one, the state of shock can last for years. We call this delayed stress response. This condition requires specialized support. In past centuries, mourners were involved in the "prevention" of such conditions. Their task was to bring tears to loved ones and thereby help them overcome the state of emotional exclusion.

According to current protocols, in acute grief it is not recommended to use tranquilizers that remove emotional reactions. Often, in order to alleviate the condition, relatives give phenazepam or Relanium. But no matter how hard it is emotionally, a person must go through pain and grief. If we turn off emotions, the risk of severe delayed reactions to stress in the future is greatly increased.

People who are faced with a loss may experience anger at the circumstances, at the doctors, at themselves. But the heaviest anger is anger at a person who has died. People understand that this is irrational anger, moreover, they consider it abnormal. It is important to understand that everyone has the right to be angry at the person who left. This anger can be a real test for someone who simultaneously feels great love and anger, for example, that a loved one refused to go to the doctor or did not want to undergo examinations. This is especially true for children. All young children experience intense anger at a dead parent. Even if they saw him sick or knew he was dying.

Many people feel guilty after losing a loved one. This is a difficult test, which is why many clinics around the world have forgiveness therapy. Its goal is for the dying person and his loved ones to have the opportunity to say “sorry” for all insults, to say words of gratitude to each other, words of love. After such therapy, people do not experience guilt, which for many becomes inexcusable, because they no longer have the opportunity to say important words to the person who left and be heard.

It is generally accepted that the first days after the death of a loved one are the most difficult, but the most emotionally difficult time comes at the stage of despair, when people are fully aware of the irreversibility of the loss. This usually happens 3-4 months after death. At this time, people may feel anxiety, they may persistently return in their memories to the person who died, it may seem to them that they saw him on the street, heard his voice. This is the time when a person no longer receives the support that he received in the first days after the loss. He is left alone with pain. It is important to know this not only for the person experiencing the loss, but also for his relatives and friends, because sometimes additional specialist support is required at this stage. After despair, there comes a period when we can fully accept what happened and begin to move on.

There are factors that contribute to the development of pathological reactions, when people develop after a year or twopost-stress conditions up to post-traumatic stress disorder. Children and the elderly are most susceptible to the development of delayed post-stress conditions.

Additional factors include the unexpectedness of death, the death of a loved one at a young age, unresolved severe conflict in relations with the deceased, the inability to say goodbye to him. People are haunted by obsessive memories of what happened, they are tormented by nightmares, symptoms of depression appear. Often, patients are very worried when the family forbids them to remember the deceased person, discuss what happened, and remove all photographs. It seems to the family that in this way it is easier to go through grief.

Natalia Rivkina Photo: press service

How to talk to a child about death and help to cope with grief

Many adults, wanting to protect the child, hide traumatic information. But this is not true. In my work, I often come across young patients who for years did not know about the death of one of their parents. Unfortunately, it is these children who are at risk of developing severe stress reactions. It is important that the child knows that the family is going through an ordeal. But it is also important that parents receive the support of specialists, because they are afraid of hurting their children with emotions, they do not know how to start a conversation correctly, what words to explain the loss. It is important to discuss with a specialist how to properly speak on difficult topics. Information should be provided by close people whom he knows and loves. Often children are not taken to funerals. When someone in the family dies, the child is taken away for a while to relatives. It is important that the child can see a loved one dead, otherwise he may not believe in what happened for a long time, and it will be difficult for him to help. We work with children and families who have patients in the palliative care phase, we help them prepare for the death of a loved one.

Do not wait for the right reaction from the child. Sometimes a child who is informed of the death of a loved one nods and runs on as if nothing had happened. For many adults, this is confusing. In fact, the child takes time out, he needs time to cope with information and emotions. There is a protective mechanism that protects the child's psyche. It is important not to scold children, not to scold them, not to force them to behave quietly or in the way that is customary in the house during mourning.

Many adults try to restrain emotions, do not share pain. Children in such families acutely feel loneliness and lack of support, it seems to them that they are rejected. The child begins to look for reasons and finds them in himself. Not knowing what to do, he begins to misbehave in order to attract parental attention. Do not forget that the child perceives the death of a parent as a betrayal. Children often experience irrational anger and then experience guilt. They feel that they have been deprived of support and love. At this stage, children and adolescents need professional help.

How to understand that a loved one needs help

When developing a pathological reaction to grief, it is important that people receive professional support. In such states, a person becomes detached, irritable, indifferent, loses interest in what was important to him. If this continues for several months, it makes sense to seek help. In the absence of support, children may have problems with learning, somatic symptoms are also possible: abdominal pain, nausea.

We all grieve in different ways and need different support. Someone needs to be hugged, someone wants to be alone. Most divorces in families that have gone through losses are due to the fact that people simply did not know how to support each other. Our job is to teach the right support. Therapy of grief and loss is a separate area of ​​psychotherapy. Our clinic has doctors who specialize in working with such patients. There are many nuances related to the safety of patients so that they do not experience re-traumatization, remembering what happened.

The loss of a loved one often deprives people of the meaning of life, goals, life guidelines. The task of psychotherapy is that a person, having experienced traumatic events, could continue to live a full life filled with meaning and joy. If a family loses a loved one, it is necessary to change the structure of the family, and sometimes the way of life. For example, if we are talking about the loss of a person who earned money or solved the issues of raising children. The whole family has to go through the reorganization of life, and here psychotherapeutic support is very important.

Sometimes we grieve because we must grieve for the sake of the person who has died. Because it will be strange if we continue to live happily when a dear and beloved person is gone. However, our loved ones, dying, would definitely want us to continue to live and enjoy life. Therefore, the fact that we return to life, having experienced grief, and move on, is our dedication to a person who has died.

Many people are afraid to forget the deceased: they often go to the cemetery, return with their thoughts to the departed person, keep all his things at home for fear that his features, voice, and what is connected with him will not remain in memory. Memory is something that remains forever in our heart. It's what our loved ones gave us when we were together. Our knowledge, experience acquired together, habits, interests, goals. This is the memory of the deceased, which is recorded inside us and remains with us forever.