Strange topic. It would seem: what could be worse than experiencing this feeling?
But…
It has meaning. Rejection is natural is finding separateness. Were together - became apart.
Through confronting this unpleasant feeling.
I would say - going through the intolerance of rejection, received once ...
After all, once it was still impossible to endure rejection, or its form was too hurtful. They didn't see me. Didn't notice. Ignored. Forced to be silent. Not allowed to be...

Now there is a paradox:
“In a positive sense, rejection is the main function of the elementary maternal, liberating youngsters who have grown up, in particular people, driving them away at a certain stage. Therefore, rejection also allows living beings to achieve their own natural development... Rejection begins in the experience of the individual with the cessation of "encompassment"; those. it is always there where it is necessary to put an end to the merger” (Erich Neumann, “Great Mother”).

That is, the end of merging is in rejection, which can be experienced as a “deprivation” of love. This is hard to come to terms with. I would like some healthy option to “digest” traumatic rejection, the experience of which almost everyone has. “I already experienced this as a child! It's an unbearable feeling!" I don't want to be rejected. Don't feel. Make it so that never again in your life ...

But life, a wise old woman, over and over again pours salt on the sore of that wound that will never heal. Only somewhere looms the ghost of the loss of love, the loss of someone who is significant to me, I get about the same place: helplessness and impotence in the face of the absence of my mother, associated with real danger. And since I'm still not a baby, instead of terrible fear, I can experience legitimate anxiety. The connection will break. I'm in danger...

In fact, I am forced to be between a rock and a hard place: one force irresistibly pulls me towards separateness and individuation, i.e. higher level. But this threatens with an inevitable break, the loss of that closeness that happens during a merger. Loneliness is already visible from this point. A terrible word for me. But in fact, I'm not experiencing, but Abandonment and Rejection. Although it comes to me under the guise of Loneliness and Separation ...

The fact that I have to experience rejection as a condition of my individuation does not deprive me of great feelings about this!
I'm worried. But I don't understand what exactly my concern is. I successfully hide it away. I do not admit to myself the fear of being separate. I raise from the bottom of my soul an almost infantile fear of not surviving without maternal love, which was like a rejection too. I do not give myself the opportunity to mourn this deprivation of love. But it is. And crying inside me...

“The process of separation and differentiation is intimately linked to the working through of mourning… the various stages of normal development can be seen as the successful coping with situations of mourning associated with changes throughout life.” (J.M. Quinodo "The domestication of loneliness. Separation anxiety in psychoanalysis").

And what do we have?
desire to be together.
Faced with rejection in the form that I was rejected as a child: not seen, ignored, left, etc.
Fear of loss.
Its inevitability.
separation anxiety.

What to do?

Gotta mourn. Mourn. As analysts say, this is a natural way to mentally survive the loss. The bitter price of possible Loneliness and Separation instead of Abandonment and Rejection…

Rejection and despair are the most powerful feelings that are difficult to deal with alone. These experiences take possession of a person from and to - they capture him, dragging him into a black hole of mental torment.

Rejection is the feeling of being rejected. They denied you reciprocity. They did not accept your love, tenderness, warmth, your open heart, leaving a deep bleeding wound, as if stabbed with a knife. People struggle with rejection in different ways - they rush into new relationships, drink, portray unbridled fun, withdraw ...

The most difficult time is the night, when the bustle of the day recedes. The biggest mistake is trying to suppress the feeling of rejection. Pretend everything is fine. Or find an excuse for the one who rejected. Try to look for the cause in yourself and reach complete self-abasement. To do exactly the opposite - to try to survive this feeling, to feel it in full, to “breathe”.

"breathe"

People who do not deny the fact of rejection, but meet it face to face, having worked out a dramatic feeling within themselves, become more mature, more whole and freer. The first step to salvation is to recognize the fact of rejection and not look for excuses for yourself and the rejecting party. You need to literally say to yourself "I'm desperate, I can't do anything about it." It's great if you have someone to share your pain with. So say: “I was rejected. I'm in pain." Not everyone succeeds the first time. These are heavy words. But the sooner they are spoken, the sooner the healing will begin.

Here it is very important not to turn your inner state towards bitterness. If you can't handle it on your own, see a therapist. The most difficult cases are associated with progressions of birth scenarios, when the moment of rejection is literally inherited - from parents to children.

Do not carry an internal "freezer"

The worst thing that can be done is to freeze feelings, to conserve them. In this state, feelings can be stored for a long time and will not go anywhere. And you will carry this “freezer” with you everywhere - wherever you go, in whatever direction your life develops. The “freezer” will “leak”, or even “explode” at the most inopportune moment - it will migrate into your new relationship and destroy it. Frozen feelings always turn into muscle clamps - “blockade” points inside your body will result in unpleasant ailments and serious illnesses.

So there is no need to close. Face despair face to face, let it through you and be free.

This article is just a treasure trove of various practices and exercises that you can start using right now. I have already begun my own exploration of my life. I wrote it a long time ago, for a magazine. Subsequently transferred to a personal site. So, let's begin...

Fear of rejection is the expectation that you will not be accepted and rejected. From this - anxiety, irritation ... and rejection of others. The result is a feeling of deep inner loneliness.

Where does the fear of rejection come from?

We first experience rejection, of course, in childhood. After all, initially a child is born open to the world. Only then can he fence himself off - in order to protect himself from the tension that arises from not entirely pleasant contact with others. Rejection can be direct or covert.

For example, my friend's older sister - as a teenager - openly expressed her unwillingness to communicate with her (she is 8 years younger): "Don't interfere, go away!". She was interested in peers, "hanging out." And the younger working parents (as is usually the case) were left to their sister.

With hidden rejection, the child may smile, be kind, but, for example, not pay attention, transfer the conversation to another topic, ignore his desires, statements. "Do not interfere in adult conversations!" we often hear. It seems to be as for the purpose of education - to teach a child to respect elders - we thereby form in him a feeling of humiliation, resentment, loneliness, low self-esteem.

Growing up, children who were systematically rejected become anxious adults. They perceive life situations through the prism of "I will be rejected." Let's say a person is late for a meeting or does not pick up the phone. Those who fear rejection will fantasize that people don't want to associate with him.

At the same time, either get very worried, angry, or vice versa - move away from feelings.

Often people don't realize that they initially feel annoyed and angry at the possibility of rejection. Often snarky, sarcastic people are the ones who live in constant fear of being rejected. Anger comes out through sharp remarks. Fear of rejection often blocks many impulses. For example, a guy is hesitant to get close to a girl because of the fantasy that she will see hidden motives in this. And as a result - reject it. Although, in fact, the girl might have been extremely happy about such a rapprochement and continued to communicate with the young man with pleasure. It turns out that people who are unconsciously waiting for rejection are driving themselves into their own trap - blocking the satisfaction of their own needs.

Have you, dear readers, noticed fantasies about the fear of rejection? At what moments? What exactly were you fantasizing about?

Dealing with the fear of rejection

Let's practice. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns. Write the situation first. For example, "husband is late home." In the second (beside) - describe your most vivid fantasy associated with this - for example, "does not want to come to me, does not like me." In the third column, describe the feeling you experience as you subconsciously live the fantasy. It would be nice to write down from five to ten situations in a row in this way.

When the columns are filled, re-read everything you wrote. Try to rate all situations, fantasies, and feelings on a scale of 1 to 10.

Evaluate by the strength, intensity, seriousness, significance of this event, experience, fantasy for you. Next to each entry in each column, put down your rating.

Now you can see exactly how you react to different situations, what you feel, how seriously you take it, how often you expect rejection, etc. For example, the situation was rated with a C grade, and fantasies and feelings about it were rated with an Eight. Conclusion: you are very worried about generally insignificant events. What trends have you followed? Did you learn something new about yourself? Write down the findings on paper.

Waiting for love

In fact, a person who expects rejection is in great need of love. He is afraid of just expressing his needs directly, asking for attention, affection, tenderness in his address. After all, if he is suddenly rejected in such a defenseless state (openly asking for the most important thing) - it will be very painful and unbearable for him.

Often out of fear of rejection, people use indirect, manipulative methods to get love, attention, care, and affection from others.

Here is some of them:

Bribe

In a bribery situation, a person uses a similar manipulation: "I love you more than anything, so you must give up everything for my love." We often hear the phrases “I love you so much, and you ...”, “Do it for my love!”. Often it is women who do this. In this way they achieve their own - attention to themselves - but only with the difference that the other person can give it out of a sense of duty, and not out of love. Naturally, he will accumulate irritation, which over time can develop into a conflict.

Appeal for pity

Man will expose his suffering and helplessness to others. The message here is: "You must love me, because I suffer a lot and am completely helpless." At the same time, with such weaknesses, he seems to justify his often excessive demands.

We often hear: “I’m so tired at work, I’m constantly sick, and you don’t even call!”. Or: “How can you say such a thing to a sick person!”. In this case, people are likely to only formally comply with the requirements and show attention. And inside you feel deceived and angry.

A call for justice

I raised you, fed you, and what did you give me? Often these are the phrases of parents “raised” by the Soviet Union. Such people try to get love by calling for an obligation. Often they try to do as much as possible for others - secretly hoping that in gratitude they will receive whatever they want. They are very disappointed when they find out that those for whom they have worked hard do not want to do something in return.

Calls for justice can also be implicit. For example, after the husband left for another, the wife suddenly falls ill. Her illness is - in most cases - a means of unspoken reproach, which, as a rule, makes the ex-husband feel guilty and forces him to pay his attention to his wife.

Of course, many people still benefit from the use of manipulation. And often this behavior is unconscious. But they can hardly be called happy people, because the love and attention that they so ardently desire and achieve actually come through deception.

How to start living differently. Step one

Without realizing and recognizing that you are afraid of rejection, do not know how to directly declare your need for love, care, affection, attention, further work on yourself is hardly possible. I propose to recall and write down the situations when you resorted to the methods described above. Perhaps they will be a continuation of the situations that you described in the first exercise.

Now imagine your most recent situation in which you expect someone to reject you. Try to become aware of your first fantasies about the further development of events. What will this person do? For example, you need to call an important for you, but unfamiliar person. What will he answer you in your worst fantasies? The answers to these questions are very important. And most importantly, the most “final”, terrible results are important, what fantasy can lead to. Often, from a simple "hang up" can be "fantastic" to "ignore and leave me to die." It is precisely such seemingly strange, but significant phrases that reveal the most hidden fear.

Separate fantasy and reality. step two

Think logically: the likelihood that a stranger, having heard your voice, will hang up, is very low. And in your experience, this is unlikely to happen often. Put your fantasy in one “cell” of the brain: “I think so”, and in the other - reality: “it is unlikely to happen.” Then you can gradually begin to control the situation.

In some cases, people immediately remember where such thoughts come from. For example, an incomprehensible picture appears in my head - a mother leaves the crib with a baby. Or closes the crying child (you) in the room. These pictures can be very different. But they are very important. After all, once - in childhood - you experienced that same rejection. Mom left, dad left, etc. For a while, but you regarded it as "forever", as a threat to your life. And then, most likely, it really could threaten the life of a small child. Now - no, but the body's response mechanism - remained.

The realization that the fear of rejection was formed in childhood and “stretches” to this day is also an important discovery. And that he has almost nothing to do with those people from whom you expect rejection now. Often at this stage, people realize the difference and begin to share realities. In other words, to see what really is - objectively.

Exercise to study the quality of contacts with people

Sometimes the fear of rejection is due to the fact that in childhood, parents did not give enough positive emotional and bodily contacts. For a child, this is very important, and the lack of such communication is regarded by him as rejection.

If the contacts are mostly negative, the child either withdraws into himself (which subsequently threatens the development of harmful addictions, weak will), or rebels - thereby reacting aggressively and conflictingly to the world (and this is fraught with crime and lawlessness). The lack of positive contacts, ignoring the child often responds (already in adulthood) with isolation from people, fear of communication, bodily touch, lack of feeling or problems in the sexual sphere.

Mentally note where you would place yourself on this scale now? And where would you like to be located? Using the same scale, evaluate the frequency of your contacts, their tension, sincerity. Can you make a connection between the current style of your contacts and childhood experiences? If you cannot remember how and where you were contacted as a child, then the following exercises will help you.

Take a sheet of paper and colored pencils. Draw the outlines of your body front and back. Color in red the areas that others touch the most, pink the ones touched less often, green the ones rarely touched and blue the ones never touched. Those areas where the contacts are negative, shade the top with black lines. Examine your "portrait of contacts". Try to re-experience your old feelings. What are they and what are they about? Do you have a barrier that prevents you from experiencing them?

Deeply realize where the sources of the fear of rejection are hidden, change your own perception and style of behavior, perhaps realizing yourself next to another. This can be supported by a competent psychologist in Kyiv. He will become a skillful guide along the fragile paths of the unconscious. And then, perhaps, you will finally succeed, for example, without fear to say to your neighbor “I need your love so much, I want you to take care of me (take care of), your attention is so important to me!” - and get what you want in full. And if you don’t get it, then don’t perceive rejection or refusal as the “end of the world”, and, perhaps, it is easy to find it elsewhere.

A young woman has a dream about how she walks past her house and tries to get through to her husband on the phone, but he does not pick up the phone. The habitual thought comes to her mind that she is not needed. The thought awakens the horror associated with the feeling that there is no one at the other end of the tube, it is empty there, or there is someone alien and unfamiliar.

Next thought: "I was left, I was forgotten." The woman continues to call, presses the call button, but the phone stops working. Horror and impotence are growing. The woman begins to rush along the dark street, gradually disappears as a subject capable of making decisions, and only one single feeling of rushing, emptiness and cold remains.

With this condition, a woman wakes up in a cold sweat, she begins to feel chills, despite the fact that the apartment is warm.

When trying to discuss a dream with her husband, a woman receives a traditional answer:
"In your dreams, I'm always like this, you think badly of me."

In my opinion, dream of rejection.
This term is often found when describing the rejecting behavior of parents, the fear of rejection in emotional and love addictions.

From antiquity to the present day, the theme of rejection is almost the main plot, showing the transformation of the personality of a rejected, humiliated and devalued being, into a person who is able to stand up for himself, take revenge or perform a heroic deed for others. A study of the families of former prisoners of fascist concentration camps in Germany showed that in one part of these families there are children who perceive a defeatist, sacrificial model of behavior, while in other families fighters and heroes appear.

While working on this text, I noticed on the situation in the store, when, in response to a benevolent offer by the seller of a product from the window, a female customer rudely stated that expired products were always stored on the counter.

Most likely, the accusation was undeserved, but the reaction of the seller was as follows:
she became fussy, began to confuse the products that customers asked for, to make mistakes in their quantity and price. She was clearly in a state of confusion.

When the queue approached me, she continued to confuse the quantity, the products themselves, asking again. In the end, with anger, she threw me that she did not hear me, I spoke quietly, confusing her. I reminded her that a few people before me she had been treated rudely and unfairly, that she was confused and therefore confused in her reality, in her products and actions. To which she already screamed at me, saying that I was confusing her, that the refrigerator prevented her from hearing people. We dispersed safely, but her actions were inhibited.

This situation also reminded me of rejection and how it happens imperceptibly in life. I also realized that rejection goes beyond clinical forms and is an attribute of everyday life. It became clear to me that the buyer was not just angry at the actions of the saleswoman, she treated them contemptuously, dismissively, with disgust both for the products that she offered and for the seller himself.

In the modern explanatory dictionary, reject means:

1. not accept, refuse to accept something;
2. uprooted from one's midst, outcast.

Maslow in his classification of needs has core need for acceptance and love. He writes that through culture or family, for example, by prohibiting having desires, needs, acting from oneself, one can teach a child not to be himself, to abandon himself, thereby distorting his development, creating a sense of deficit associated with the ability to exchange love, love and to be loved.

As a result, self-rejection is instilled, accompanied by self-loathing. A mechanism is formed that excludes love for oneself, which also excludes love for a part of the world (if I do not love myself, then I cannot love another person).

The Phenomenology of the Experience of Rejection
resembles the phenomenology of the experience of shame.

Just as shame is a social feeling, rejection, as an action, is possible in the interactions of people, and the state of rejection, as a result of certain interactions, accompanies a person from childhood. The experience of this experience is accumulated in certain character traits, personality traits, its value orientations, a deep attitude towards oneself, in behavioral scenarios.

Fear of rejection is one of the main motives in the formation of avoidant behavior, dependent, narcissistic, borderline disorders, and so on.

Chronic rejection, as an action, is a factor in the development of an anxiety state that masks the fear of rejection, which in turn masks the need for acceptance and love, and failure to satisfy this need leads to a breakdown in behavioral adaptation.

Remember everything

I have used the word rejection many times in my practice and seem to have forgotten how it is experienced. Moreover, recently this topic has been raised frequently, raised at individual sessions and in group discussions.

In addition, I realized that the mechanism of rejection, among other hard-tolerable states, such as shame, is most often included in the phenomenology of adaptation failures in psychosomatics, including panic attacks, actualization of psycho-characterological disorders, and short-term psychotic states. Freud and Lacan considered self-denial, from different perspectives, to be the main mechanism for the development of psychosis.

From my psychiatric experience, I know that many good psychiatrists who treat their patients humanely have tried powerful drugs on themselves in order to understand the mechanism of action and in order to properly motivate their patients for treatment.

In short, I developed an interest and it was not necessary to realize what rejection is, to live through it without protecting yourself with defenses, without going into some preliminary forms of reaction, to feel how it is and how to be with it.

During one of the sessions, the client noticed that he often felt disgust with himself. I asked to intensify this state and tried, if possible, to be with him in this state. After a while, I felt in myself not his disgust, but my own disgust for myself.

I offered to break the session and be present at my experiment with rejection, taking notes for me what I would say. After receiving consent, I began to slowly sink through disgust and contempt for myself (memories helped me in this) into my own state of rejection.

I specially present the following piece of text with a minimum number of edits.

I feel chills, my heart is pounding in my chest, excitement, the body is not mine. I perceive myself as despised (I haven’t felt like this for a long time), not the way I am. Head on its own, body on its own. There was an image that rejection is an execution, they tear me apart. I clearly feel the narrowing of the inner space, I want to cry, I experience deep sadness, impotence. Together with the appearance of pain, I understand that this feeling has been familiar to me since childhood. Something strange in the stomach. It's hard to breathe, my shoulders are tense, my neck hurts, it hurts, I'm afraid that something global and inevitable is coming.

Since there is no sense of time inside, it seems that experiences merge, although I understand that some time passes before I cease to feel myself. I lose the feeling that somewhere in me a person is localized. Past bodily memory erases my current experience from memory. It becomes cloudy in my head and before my eyes, the picture in front of me begins to blur. There is no strength to be angry and angry. Only a feeling of insignificance, humiliation, self-loathing. I have a hard time expressing the experience. I understand that it is very difficult for me to talk about feelings, they are too hidden, if I talk about them, I will break into a conversation about love or dislike. If I start talking about it, then I will find complete rejection and some kind of bestial state.

At the same time, anger and rebellion appear, and this is about life and about returning, about the impossibility of talking about love. If two people talk about something, it's about love, even if they don't say it out loud. This is about infinite depth, inclusion, presence, about contact and about something more. And when it is impossible to talk about it, then sensations arise that extinguish the very need for love. I catch something in myself that prevents me from talking about what is really there. Ridiculous. Weird. Everything that happens in the body at this moment extinguishes feelings, closes access to the depth of relationships. Rejection stops my needs, prevents me from feeling the possibility of my right to love. Since I have no right to love, I feel my own insignificance.

This experience closes access to the present, I cannot come up and say "I love you." It dooms me to silence, I can't talk about what I want to talk about. Somewhere inside there is a certainty that they won’t listen to me, they won’t see me, they won’t notice me. Embarrassment is captured.

I understand that in this state it is easier to evade and not get into a situation of rejection, not to be in the present, and maybe suffer from silence. I can easily imagine myself suffering from silence, I am used to being silent, I have forgotten how to speak (alexithymia).

Mental pain that is experienced physically, bodily is a signal of the impossibility of existing now as I would like. The body is like a prison and it is impossible to get out.

I understand how panic is triggered against this background. It's about the fact that my life experience disappears from life. From goes out of contact with my life. I can only speak of myself as a symptom.

Since the living experience instantly disappears, and it is impossible to clearly connect it to the previous experience, that is, to collect oneself, a feeling of emptiness is captured inside. It is unclear where the boundary between internal processes and external reality lies. The feeling of internal support disappears, where you can resist, there is no support and there is no one to resist.

I fantasize about how my personality blurs, fragments, crumbles, pieces of it disappear somewhere in the depths of emptiness, everything is covered with pain in the chest, the rest of the sensations remain outside.

Paralysis of choice, I cannot get in touch with external reality, the subject for direct communication is lost, I experience rejection of myself from external and internal reality.

Somewhere from the depths comes the idea that somewhere here the usual breakdowns of adaptation are triggered:

• psychosomatics (the real is not available, I can be inside the body. What the body says is a frantic call, howl. The need to “Hear me”!);
• narcissism (I lose emotional contact with the present, fantasies with humiliation, depreciation, a desire to punish, revenge, anger);
• avoidance behavior (unbearable - I'm leaving);
• actualization of traumatic experiences - addiction strategies (I try to capture or cling).

It becomes clear that when there is nothing to talk about in a couple, tense silence reigns - this is about rejection, which deprives subjectivity, that is, there is no one to talk to.

Therefore, the most important thing is not said, contact disappears, the value relationship to each other is denied. I am very acutely aware of the value of human communication, another person, life itself.

I am acutely aware that a return to a normal state is impossible without restoring the flow of experience, legalizing the desire for intimacy and love. Rejection is close to death.

Escape - I can not find inside myself where I am, who I am. Fog and pain closes the entrance to the shelter. Loss of support, crumbling experience. There is nowhere for the effort to go, there is a feeling that words are leaving, it is difficult to pick up, it is incredibly difficult to pull words into sentences. It is an incredible effort not to let go of speech at all and not to be silent.

Attitude towards oneself as "bad" - somewhere on the surface; when rejected, a much deeper defeat occurs: I simply do not exist, I am nobody, the very foundations of life are unstable.

Powerlessness in rejection also has its own specifics. This is not just a lack of strength for something to perform some action, it is a powerlessness to live.

The understanding comes that somewhere there must be a limit to the experience, trusting self-regulation, accepting what was like an experience: “yes, it is.” But something does not work completely, and you need a hook to catch on, literally someone's look, word, gesture, touch.

A direct question addressed to me: "Do you see me?" raises doubts: "Yes and no." It is pointless to ask questions about feelings. They don't reconnect.
"Do you need me?" gives rise to a convulsive answer: "Yes and no."
"What can I do for you?" stumbles on: "Who am I?". The heart begins to worry. But this concern is not about life. This is confirmation that I will die. Madness is dark. I stay in the cage even though the door is open; I don't see this door. It's not about my fear of death, it's about death itself.

The frost on the skin is a "gentle prickle of ice pieces" compared to how much internal cold can be felt during rejection. The state in which Kai in the Snow Queen's castle continuously writes the word "Eternity" - about the coldness of a stopped heart.

It seems that this is an experience of dislike for oneself, about dislike of another, but due to the depth of this experience, a completely different meaning of Love is comprehended.

If we compare the content of love as opposed to the content of rejection, then love is about absolute life, about light and warmth, delight, admiration, about comprehension of the deep essence of life, insight, about fullness of power, inspiration, connection with the whole world. Perhaps I mix different types of love: divine, agape, human, brotherly, love of a man and a woman, parental love - but this is what the soul suffers and yearns for.

I perfectly understand how food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, self-harm, relationship addiction, sex, war, competition, bigotry, power, money, work can console you, something that for some time closes you from experiencing rejection and makes it possible to forget in self pleasure. But, unfortunately, this does not give absolute completeness, completeness, integrity. Even love-addiction does not save, it just covers the gaping hole of the need for love. In the same way, isolated love for God helps to hide from the unbearable lack of love through dissolution in the incomprehensible absolute.

An empty existence is empty. Without replenishing the source of love for the Other, for Others, love for oneself will not awaken, and, conversely, without love for oneself, love for the Other will not arise. Only in this way is self-denial overcome.

Epilogue

Our experiment ended successfully, we were able to get this text and discuss it. Surprisingly, what emerged in me responded identically to the client. His realizations were as important to me as my own. During subsequent meetings, the client noted that his threshold for enduring the pain of rejection had increased, which made it possible to abandon the usual defenses, not to lose himself in direct communication and help his wife stay at the same level.

If those around you reject you, it can be very difficult to survive. Psychologists have come to believe that social isolation can cause emotional pain comparable in intensity to that of physical trauma. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to objectively assess your situation, get over the pain, and move on. Whether you get rejected all the time or on a specific occasion, you can find the strength within yourself to make new friends and build your confidence.

Steps

Part 1

How to get over the moment you've been rejected

Accept what happened. If they no longer want to do business with you, it is not your fault, and breaking friendships does not mean that you are destined to never have friends again. However, there is one positive thing about strong emotions associated with rejection: it is a relatively temporary state. This means that if you accept your feelings, they will soon disappear, and you will be able to act with a clear head, and not under the influence of emotions.

• Admit that you feel anger and pain at the one who rejected you, but try not to dwell on these feelings for too long. Remember that these feelings are not eternal and that they can teach you an important lesson about the world in which we live and communicate. Knowing this will help you accept them.
• The pain of rejection temporarily prevents you from calmly communicating with other people, so the sooner you allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions caused by rejection, the sooner you can safely recover and take some action.
• However, the pain of rejection should not be ignored. Although painful, it can give you a strong impetus to seek new connections elsewhere, or suggest that you should give up on some person or some plans.

1. Try to objectively assess the situation. Sometimes events can tell you what it is in your behavior that causes problems for others. However, we often exaggerate, taking rejection as something personal. If you didn't get the job you wanted or were rejected by the person you like, it has little to do with who you are as a person.

   • Do not take this event as a disaster. Even if you have experienced isolation or rejection before, understand that this is not a negative assessment of your character. In fact, this means only a subjective discrepancy between the desired reality.
   • If you think about it and come to the conclusion that it was your own fault for being rejected, try to apologize. Simply apologizing for your behavior can help you make amends and heal faster. It works because you will feel like you've done something meaningful for the relationship.

2. Think about what you should do now. After the initial stage of experiencing the pain of rejection, most people move on to the so-called assessment stage, in which they critically assess the situation and think through their next steps. It's only natural to do something to ease the pain, so consider: what can you do to not feel rejected? Isolation makes you more receptive to potential contacts, more attentive to social cues, and more willing to accommodate. Take advantage of this moment of heightened sensitivity to create a new relationship. Ask yourself if you really want to reconnect with those who rejected you.

   • Maybe it was pure coincidence, and I felt rejected, despite the best efforts of my friends to accept me?
   • Am I sure that I really have a fulfilling relationship with those who rejected me?
   • Should I talk to someone about what happened? Will it help me get through the situation? Can other people tell me about the situation from their point of view?

3. Try not to freak out. When you are rejected, there is another temptation: to become angry and aggressive towards those who rejected you. Some people try to draw attention to themselves in this way in order to feel in control of the situation.

   • Learn to control your anger, get acquainted with various techniques that will help you extinguish its outbursts. If you're around people who remind you that you've been rejected, watch your body's anger signals and try to work through your anger without hurting or insulting other people.
   • If you respond aggressively, this can lead you into a vicious cycle of victim behavior. Those who react aggressively tend to have a harder time regaining social acceptance.

4. Try to find acceptance elsewhere. No matter how you feel about those who rejected you, it's always a good idea to hang out in different groups of friends so you don't put everything on the same card at once. Often people who have been rejected in one place seek acceptance elsewhere in order to regain their self-esteem.

   • Consider if there are people in your life who recognize you. It is important for you to get the support of other people and restore your self-confidence in order to get back on your feet, as well as make new friends or start some new business.
   • For example, your family cannot replace your social circle, but try to spend more time with your parents or relatives who love you.

5. Try to be the organizer. If you weren't so severely rejected and you still want to try to reconnect with these people, try connecting with them again. This can be done unobtrusively. Try organizing a fun picnic or taking them somewhere where you feel comfortable and can have a good time with them (like your home or a cafe you frequent).

   Tell us about what is happening if you are not just rejected, but poisoned . If a person or group of people constantly pushes you away, this can be considered bullying. Bullying is serious bullying that can quickly escalate. Therefore, it is important to tell your teachers, parents or counselor about this event, who will help you resolve this situation. Carefully consider the situation for bullying and seek help if:

   • Rejection is often accompanied by other malicious acts such as ridicule, spreading rumors, and physical and verbal bullying.
   • This happens all the time and there is no end in sight.
   • Those who bully you are a danger to you because they have more physical strength, are more popular, or have information that can harm you if others find out about it.

   Part 2

   How to overcome the emotional pain of rejection

   1. Let yourself burn. If you are rejected, you not only feel humiliated and insulted, but also experience intense emotional pain. The source of emotional pain is located in the same part of the brain as the source of physical pain, which means that exclusion from the social circle is not only a blow to your ego. Realize that you you will feel discomfort and grieve. This is just as important to do in this situation as it is to put on a cast if you have a broken arm. After all, you don't go to play baseball the day after a serious injury.

      • Try to spend the day alone to process what happened to you. Don't be afraid to cry, listen to sad music that suits your mood, or scream into your pillow if you're angry and frustrated. These feelings will go away if you let them out.

   2. Develop fulfilling relationships. Focus all your efforts on making new friends and creating relationships with them that you feel comfortable with. For example, try to find someone you can trust, who you can talk to from the heart, who will understand you when you need to talk about some important personal matters (this should be mutual). Thus, even if you take a social risk somewhere, you will not be left alone and you will have someone to turn to.

      Value quality, not quantity. Often we feel rejected because many of us have ingrained ideas about what our life in society should look like. Not everyone is capable of being such secular lions, around whom hundreds of friends constantly hover, eager to communicate. Satisfactory social life has many different forms. Whether you feel accepted and accepted depends not so much on the number of friends as on the quality of the relationship.

      Focus on developing self-confidence. If you are confident in yourself, then some encounters with other people will make you feel less and less rejected, even if your social circle remains at the same level in terms of the number of people as before you began to develop confidence in yourself. Confidence is that state of mind where no matter how you feel at the moment, there is always room for you and your unique talents. Just trust that if things turned out this way, it was for the purpose of teaching you something important. The most difficult thing is to give up your expectations and ideas about how things "should" develop.