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Understanding the process of growing up a daughter for any mother is perceived as the fact that her participation in the life of a child is no longer a necessity. The fact that the child has grown up a long time, not everyone can accept.

But even for a daughter who saw her mother as something integral to life, cutting the invisible umbilical cord can be an overwhelming task. Especially if the relationship was close and trusting.

So that common grievances between a mother and an adult daughter do not become overwhelming for both parties, you will have to go through several stages of relationships that will help change the situation for the better.

A few rules that will help in solving problems:

Important to remember! Only understanding the problem, where the mother and adult daughter do not find a common language, will be the starting point on the way to resolving it. Of course, it is impossible to find a compromise solution, only thanks to one sincere conversation. There is a long way to go to meet. This applies to both sides.

Teenage mother-daughter relationship

Transitional age is a difficult period in the life of parents and children. Dealing with emotions can sometimes seem like a daunting task. How should a mother behave so as not to lose trust and authority in the eyes of her daughter?

Mother and adult daughter. The psychology of the relationship between them can be quite complex.

Unconditional love

A little girl from an early age should know and understand that she is loved by anyone and always.. Very often, parents who are overprotective of their daughter end up with a completely out of control child in adolescence.

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And, on the contrary, in families with strict morals, girls grew up with a victim complex, confident that love for oneself must be earned. In adulthood, it is not easy for such women to find a worthy man, since the understanding of unconditional love is alien to them.

Full communication

Due to their employment, not all parents are able to devote all their time to the child. In adolescence, a daughter, deprived of parental attention, is unlikely to share the details of her "adult" life.

In order to be aware of all the events in the midst of which the child rotates, the mother should communicate with him more often. Warm conversations in the kitchen over a cup of tea about how the day went should become a family tradition.

The task of the mother is to develop the individuality of her daughter, without imposing her ideals on her.

It's important to understand! The main goal of such communication for the mother should not be to find out all the secrets and impose her opinion on her daughter. You need to learn to listen and hear your child.

Common Traditions

Yet before the onset of a “difficult age”, you need to take care of creating common traditions for mother and daughter. Perhaps it will be cooking a family dinner on a day off, a trip out of town, a trip to a cafe or a beauty salon. The main thing is that these traditions belong only to mother and daughter and are not violated under any pretext.

Thrift

It is quite difficult to involve a teenager in household chores, because it is much more interesting to spend time with friends than washing dishes and cleaning. Therefore, it is important to instill these skills in a girl from childhood. Let him learn to put things in order in his room from early childhood.

Cooking food

It can also be an interesting activity, if, for example, its implementation will be of a competitive nature. The competition "who tastes better" will be useful for all family members: both mom and daughter will spend time together, and dad is happy. You can bake a cake or cookies together and invite your daughter's friends to tea.

Manifestation of individuality

The task of the mother is to develop the individuality of her daughter, without imposing her ideals on her. Often parents strive to realize personal goals and ambitions. The main goal is to direct the child in the right direction, without breaking the innate individual traits and without encroaching on the daughter's personal interests.

This does not mean that you should keep your opinion to yourself. It is necessary to warn the growing daughter against possible risks. But this must be done very delicately.

Friends and acquaintances

It is quite natural that the daughter's new friends do not really like the parents. But limiting this communication means that the mother will soon fall out of the circle of trust. The best thing a loving parent can do is try to get in touch with her daughter's new acquaintances.

In most cases, it turns out that these people do not pose any threat to the child. Otherwise, you must contact the relevant authorities.

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Kindness and Mercy

A common situation: a child brings home a small animal offended by fate and stumbles upon a wall of misunderstanding on the part of parents. If you support care for your neighbor in your daughter from childhood, then there is no doubt that an adult woman with a big kind heart will grow out of her.

Difficult relationship between adult daughter and mother. Psychology

Mother and adult daughter can be both in perfectly harmonious relations, and in openly hostile ones, but these relations are almost never neutral. The mother sees her daughter as an extension of herself. and if the daughter always criticizes, then this, as a rule, symbolizes the mother's dissatisfaction with herself.

The same goes for the reverse situation. If an adult daughter constantly reproaches her mother for something, then rather this is an indicator of insolvency in life. It is easier to blame than to take on the entire burden of responsibility. Usually this behavior is inherent in immature personalities.

Psychologists distinguish 3 stages of the relationship of the daughter in relation to the mother:

• be near;
• let me go;
• leave me alone.

Common relationship mistakes:

Otherwise, when the daughter blindly follows her mother's instructions, the mother begins to demand that her daughter think about marriage. At the same time, potential applicants are also selected by the mother. It remains for the daughter to either accept this or stop her mother's attempts to participate in this process.

These and other situations haunt the already matured daughter, exerting a powerful influence on her life and worldview. In addition, such an attitude brings discord in the relationship of the two closest people.

When communication is reduced to the fact that the mother reproaches or imposes her point of view through moralizing, it becomes impossible.

And here for the daughter there are several ways to solve the situation:

Also, if previous attempts were unsuccessful, then perhaps the mother simply was not ready for such a conversation at that time. Perhaps what her child said hurt her and made her think about her mistakes, Don't put pressure on her.

In the end, the problem should be solved by the one who feels the whole burden of it. Perhaps some act of the mother, which still haunts her daughter, was justified by the fact that at that moment she simply could not do otherwise. The mother must be accepted as she is and you should not try to change her.

If it seems that the mother does not love the daughter. What are the causes and symptoms

The portrait of a girl who is deprived of maternal love is quite typical. They are inconspicuous and have a timid character. Communication skills are absent, as a result of which they do not find an outlet in friendships. As a rule, such children are from dysfunctional families.

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In some cases, such daughters are raised by women who have achieved some success in the professional and financial spheres, but have absolutely no interest in their children.

Indirect signs indicating that the mother does not love her daughter:

• unwillingness to participate in the daughter's life;
• imposing a sense of duty to the parent;
• detached, cold attitude of mother to daughter;
• aggression, possibly assault.

It is impossible to re-educate an adult personality or to instill a maternal instinct in a woman who does not have it. So there are two ways out of this situation: either the daughter accepts her mother as she is and leaves attempts to change her, or it is worth strictly limiting communication.

The portrait of a girl who is deprived of maternal love is quite typical. They are inconspicuous and have a timid character.

What does a mother's hateful attitude towards her daughter lead to:

• isolation and complexes of the daughter;
• lack of manifestation of feminine traits;
• self-doubt and self-doubt;
• lack of desire to become a mother.

Authoritarian mother and daughter - psychology

A separate case in the relationship of mother and adult daughter and their psychology – authoritarian parent. Such mothers are confident in their own exclusivity and demand from their daughters the fullest conformity to them. The slightest offense is identified with one's own behavior. Therefore, the daughters of such mothers have no right to make a mistake.

1. Lack of emotional connection between mother and daughter.
2. Total control over the behavior of her daughter, the constant imposition of her point of view and behavior.

Such the mother is not at all interested in the inner world of the child. There are no age limits for an authoritarian mother. In childhood, she may not pay attention to the experiences of her own child, since the problem does not exist for her.

For her, the situation looks far-fetched, while in the eyes of a little girl the whole world is collapsing.

Later, the situation takes on a different character - the mother controls her daughter at all stages of development and in all areas of life. She requires her daughter to be constantly in touch, kept up to date with all her affairs. At the same time, the parent makes adjustments to her life, because "I am a mother, I know better."

Note! There is a difference between an authoritarian mother and an authoritative one. There is nothing reprehensible in the fact that a parent in the eyes of a child is an authority. On the contrary, such mothers grow strong-willed, self-confident daughters, as they had an example in front of them, an indicator of what a woman should be.

To understand the gravity of the situation an authoritarian mother should look at herself from the outside and urgently change her behavior strategy. Otherwise, the result of such upbringing will be a lethargic, lack of initiative adult daughter.

Or, if it was not possible to break the character, then the daughter, ultimately, will stop any communication with such a mother.

The first thing a mother who has recognized signs of authoritarianism in her behavior can do is to take care of herself.. Having a favorite pastime will reduce the time for correcting the behavior of your child.

It is necessary to change the strategy of behavior. For example, instead of the usual reproaches about the daughter's "wrong" behavior, try to support and accept her decision. It may not be superfluous to give practical advice, but it should not take the form of a reproach or instruction.

Finally, you need to give your daughter the right to make possible mistakes and find ways to resolve them. To do this, you can take the position of an outside observer.

For a daughter, the best way to solve the problem of mother's authoritarianism is to take full responsibility for her own life. From now on, all decisions should be made by the daughter on her own, even if they run counter to the mother's ideas. This also applies to liability for possible consequences.

To shift them to the mother means to hand over to her the reins of control over the life of her daughter.

It is necessary to establish an invisible barrier and, in any attempt by the mother to impose her own model of behavior, do not respond to her moralizing. You can try to talk and discuss the current situation, but prepare in advance for the fact that the mother is unlikely to adequately perceive the experiences of her daughter.

It is better to react to all her arguments calmly and neutrally, without trying on reproaches, so the daughter will make it clear that she will not be able to piss off her mother. This behavior will help avoid scandal and also reduce the likelihood of similar attacks in the future.

Relationship between mother and adult daughter after marriage

Mother and adult daughter after marriage run the risk of being on both sides of the barricades. For a parent, accepting the fact that her little girl has grown up and no longer needs her mother's care is unbearable in itself.

A mother who is used to instructing her child, sharing experience and teaching is now forced to watch her child, as if from a distance.

The situation is aggravated by the fact that after the wedding, the beloved daughter spends the vast majority of time with her young spouse, which is why the mother begins to acutely feel the lack of precious attention from her daughter. In this case, the newly-made son-in-law is perceived with hostility.

In order to get out of this situation and not spoil relations, both sides must make some concessions.

How to behave as a mother	How to behave daughter
Try to find a common language with the son-in-law. The young spouse should not be perceived as an enemy or a threat. By virtue of the fact that he was chosen by his daughter, he already deserves respect. All people are not without flaws, so it is better if the daughter notices them on her own during living together, and not with the help of intrusive explanations from her mother.	Do not abuse communication. In order for the mother not to be prejudiced against her husband, you should not tell her about all the family troubles. Thus, the daughter will only spur a negative attitude towards her own husband.
Don't be intrusive. Everything related to household issues and advice on childcare and housekeeping is best expressed carefully. Perhaps the daughter does not feel an urgent need for the active participation of the mother in this matter. Naturally, help will not be superfluous, but it is important to maintain a balance and not go ahead.	accept help. It is important for a daughter to understand that all her mother's attempts to help her are sincere. You need to learn to accept help and not forget about the response.
Find a hobby. Since the mother has a lot of free time, the best thing to do with it is to spend it for the benefit of yourself.	Respect mother's privacy. It is not necessary to demand help from the mother at the first need. An adult daughter must understand that life has changed not only for her.
Learn to trust. It is better to change the behavior model from “parental” to “friendly”. The daughter still needs good advice, but the mother needs to learn to trust her daughter and not impose her ideals of behavior.	Learn to accept. You should not take the advice of the mother "with hostility". You need to understand that all her actions come from a sincere desire to help. In the event of a conflict situation that does not have a compromise solution, it is better to leave the showdown, since everyone will still have their own opinion and has every right to do so.

On the stages of the relationship between mother and adult daughter:

Psychology of the relationship between mother and adult daughter:

Hello dear participants! I need your comments about my relationship with my mother.

At the moment we hardly communicate. We rarely talk on the phone (on her initiative), we rarely see each other. More often than not, I don't pick up the phone and open the door when I realize she's arrived unannounced. I remember, as a teenager, I told her: “You are treating me like that now, and you don’t think that soon I will grow up and you will need me, and not I need you.” In response, I heard a new portion of swearing.

First, she beat me. Years from 5 (at least, these are the first memories). A couple of early childhood memories to illustrate. Here she is looming over me, her face twisted with anger, a belt in her hand. I pressed myself into the corner of the sofa, covering myself with my hands and yelling. She hits me on the arms with a belt and hisses: "Shut up, the neighbors will hear." Here I have time to run into the bathroom and close the latch. Encouraged by my inaccessibility, I begin to answer her something to her cries. She rips the door off in a rage, tearing out the latch. Horror - now will kill. So I don't want to go for bread. She hits me with her boot, hits me in the eye. I go with a black eye.

Beat about and without reason. She was sure that I was doing everything out of spite, and this is how she brings me up. Most of the time I had no idea what I was getting for. When I grew up and hit her back a couple of times, the beatings stopped. But more sophisticated methods of influence began.

She yelled at me. I was a monster, a bastard, an abomination, a hysteric, rubbish. True, when she is in a bad mood. When good - I was an angel, a brilliant child and her hope. But how to influence her mood - I did not know. She screamed every day. She invented the most vile epithets. She could yell at me half the night, knowing that I had to get up early for school. It did not bother her, no requests worked. She herself did not work most of the time, and slept during the day.

She skillfully found my weak points and put pressure on them - on my complexes, my fears. I had to be very careful with my language - any weakness that I confessed turned against me. For example, I had eczema (they didn’t treat it, but why?) - she could say that I would soon be covered with scabs. She blackmailed me by coming to school and telling me how bad I am. Or call one of the people who are important and authoritative to me in order to "influence me together." And I was a normal child, from the point of view of society. I studied well, did not act as hooligans, wrote poetry, teachers loved me, there were no conflicts with my classmates. My only transgression was that I tried to resist her, argued, cursed with her in response, hit back a couple of times. Once she even slapped her in the face. In response, she cursed me, screaming that I was no longer her daughter.

With his father, they swore every day, the further - the more. But they didn't get divorced. Because of me, of course. It was my fault that she was living with a man she hated. And it would be better if she had an abortion. I wanted to, but I didn't. For which I should be grateful to her for the coffin of life. This was pointed out to me regularly.

My mother demanded that I take her side in a conflict with my father. I didn't do that. She started blackmailing me with the things she bought me. Food. If she bought something, I had no right to take it from the refrigerator. If I took it, they mocked and humiliated me. She rented out her apartment, and believed that this money was only hers. My father did not earn much. There were days when "ours" was not in the refrigerator at all, only "hers". And I had to choose - to sit hungry, or run into abuse and ridicule.

My parents didn't give a damn - how I study, what I need, what I wear, what worries me. Any thing had to beg for a handout. Any help was seasoned with so many reproaches and humiliations that it was easier not to ask. If I cried - it's because I'm hysterical, and I have an unbalanced psyche, which I had to immediately declare. I never felt that I had a family that would protect and support me.

As soon as I grew up, started earning money, and was able to leave home, I cut off all contact with my mother. Since then, about 7 years have passed. She keeps calling me. Can come without asking. And then - to sit and put pressure on the psyche, to tell how bad I am, and how she needs my help, and that she did not deserve such treatment. Talk, talk nasty things incessantly. And refuse to leave.

She constantly asks for financial help. She doesn't work, she can't stay anywhere. It fits into some kind of "pyramids" and other ways of taking money. Recently retired. Sometimes I help her, but I don’t hear a word of gratitude. On the contrary - why is it so few, and so rare, and why not yesterday, and why I have to be asked, I am obliged, she presses. Sometimes I think that sooner or later she will become old and really need physical and material help, so that I will have to help her, and this thought depresses me, to be honest. Even today's rare contacts depress me and seem to squeeze out all the juice.

I live well alone. I have my own apartment, I earn normally, I am healthy (I had a lot of psychosomatics in my childhood, now everything is generally normal). I managed to solve most of the personal problems. It’s more difficult with my personal life - it’s too sad an example, but I’m gradually sorting it out.

And at the same time - I understand that the conflict with my mother affects me myself. I behave with people rather coldly and detachedly, this affects the relationship with a loved one. At the same time, I am an internally emotional and positive person, I love people. But it's like it can't get through some kind of barrier. I began to think about the child - but I feel a whole carriage of negativity that will come out as soon as I get pregnant.

On the other hand, I feel sorry for her too. I understand why she did this, I understand that her own life was very cruel at times. I understand her pain and fears. I feel that she loves me - well, like that, perversely - and needs my emotional support. That she is very lonely. She has such a spoiled character, but still - she is my mother, there is no other.

But - again, I can not move this barrier within myself. It’s like I’m frozen inside, my face even turns to stone when we communicate. I think if I could - it would change me a lot, I would become more open, relaxed and happy. I'm really lonely and sad behind this wall that I've built. But - neither my own attempts to change, nor six months with a psychologist, it seems to me, did not even move this barrier.

My psychologist somehow unexpectedly turned the situation in such a way that if we have a conflict, then both sides are to blame. Say, if she beat me, then I myself behaved provocatively, albeit unconsciously. Of course, I tried to resist, it's true. She reacted very sharply to pressure, disrespect, attempts to force me to do something. And I still react. But I still do not understand how a 5-year-old child can be guilty along with their parents. IMHO, the parent is always responsible for the conflict. And I was not even a "difficult child", except perhaps very stubborn.

The psychologist tried to explain to me how hard it was for my mother, and that she still loved me. I myself understand this, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me, and this does not excuse her behavior in my eyes. To be honest, it seemed to me that the psychologist, as it were, "sided" with my mother in this conflict, and this offended me. Instead of support, I received some veiled reproach of callousness. But maybe this is my transference: the psychologist is an older lady, almost the same age as my mother. Maybe I'm really wrong, I perceive the situation biased, I found a "scapegoat" in the person of my own mother? Remember only bad things?

How adequate is my perception of the situation? What should I do? How to resolve this conflict? Or just let it go?

I have a long conflict with my mother. The last conversation ended with a desire to hang himself. This has not happened for more than ten years, I think about it all the time - I can’t sleep, I wander until the morning, crying. I try to explain myself to her - she laughs at me, constantly tries to manipulate me, if it doesn’t work out, she involves relatives, insults begin. I have a hard time enduring conflicts - it is often easier for me to give in to my own detriment. Among the relatives with whom she communicates more, I have already passed for an ungrateful bastard. It’s very disappointing - because this is not true, my husband and I always helped her - when she was sick (including when she went into hard drinking - she is alcohol addicted), monthly financial assistance is not very large, but we have three children and rented housing - if possible, what is called. When she had nowhere to live, without talking they gave the keys to the house that had previously been rented out - we live in Moscow - she is in Volgograd. I'm tired and I'm already afraid of my thoughts.

Alena, I did not see the question as such in your appeal. Therefore, I propose to deal with everything in order.

Firstly, I cannot change the attitude of your mother and relatives towards you, but you can do it.

Unfortunately, conflicts between mother and daughter are common. There are many reasons for this, as well as psychological theories trying to explain this phenomenon. Many psychologists explain these conflicts by banal competition. The mother wants to show her exceptional qualities against the background of such an “imperfect” daughter. Young girls and women are especially sensitive to criticism from their mothers. With age, the severity of the reaction to the words of the mother passes, but past grievances remain. Alena, these grievances bind us to the past and guide our actions in the present. Sometimes we are not able to explain our behavior, but it turns out everything is much simpler, the answer is in our childhood.

Secondly, we will talk about how you can influence the situation, so of course we will not figure out who is right and who is wrong.

All those grievances, feelings of hopelessness, irresistible bitterness and pain that accompany the state after a conflict with the closest and dearest person - mom - these are kind of blocks that close, block our life. They shield us from the real world, do not allow us to breathe, enjoy the love of children, husband, prevent us from feeling freedom.

To get rid of pain, you need to get rid of these blocks. It's quite real. To do this, you need to “let go” of all grievances, forget the causes of conflicts, and not grind up reproaches. It's complicated.

Start by saying that in those moments when resentment comes to your mother, remember what was good between you. Alena, perhaps the lines from the poem by Valentina Belyaeva will help you:

I... will tie your life...
From fluffy mohair threads ...
I... will tie your life...
I will not lie a single loop ...
I... will tie your life...
Where... in a pattern - across the field of prayer...
Happiness Wishes
In the light of true love...
I... will tie your life...
From cheerful melange yarn ...
I... will tie your life...
And then I will give from the bottom of my heart...
Where do I get threads?
I never confess to anyone...
To connect your life -
I… secretly dissolve… mine.

Options for working with such blocks are offered in the book “Bury me behind the plinth” by Pavel Sanaev. The protagonist is a little boy who easily solves the problems that hold us adults so much.

Alena, despite all the personal tragedy, you have never expressed a desire to refuse communication. This speaks of true love for mom. Refusal to communicate will not relieve the pain, it may dull it. Therefore, in order to solve this problem and avoid such nervous breakdowns after another conflict, you should learn how to communicate with your mother. To this end, you must mentally define the boundaries of conflict-free communication, exclude all topics that can lead to an undesirable outcome. In your case, you should abandon the accusations against the mother and resolve any fundamental, in your opinion, questions and evidence of your innocence. Do not address any questions about past conflicts.

You mention relatives who took the mother's side. Think about whether you really need their support, because as far as I understand, you are tormented by the attitude of your mother? Therefore, you need to concentrate on solving the problem of conflicts with the mother.

Alena, remember, you cannot change the past, but the future is in your hands. Whatever happens between you, it must be left in the past, do not accumulate resentment, do not prove anything.

You cannot change your mother, but you can change your attitude. Love your mom again. Do not make demands on her, love her for what she is. All of us are not eternal, mothers do not get younger and sooner or later they will leave us. Think about it. What would you like to say to her if this was your last meeting, of course, except for words of resentment? Catch this feeling of tenderness and try to keep it.

As for your thoughts, there is a typical reaction after a strong nervous shock. Pay attention to your family. The lives of your children and husband depend on your life, on your decisions at the moment. Draw strength from your fellowship with them. Share your experiences with your husband, if possible. You need to speak up. Describe in detail to him all the feelings that you have for your mother, and those thoughts that “came” to you after the conflict. Try to answer the question: why did the thoughts about wanting to harm yourself come? Perhaps this is due to the desire to take revenge on the mother and hurt her. If so, then think about who will be hurt the most if you do this? And by the way, you won’t be able to check it, because you won’t see it. But who you will actually punish is your children. Take care of them, play, admire their achievements, support them in failures and everything will be just fine for you.

Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complain to their friends. And someone prefers to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in relations with their mother. But the fact remains, and psychologists know about it.

Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complain to their friends. And someone prefers to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in relations with their mother. But the fact remains, and psychologists know about it.

Letter without an envelope

Yes, it happens that a mother irritates her daughter so much (as the daughters themselves say - “enrages”) that she irritates her every word, any manifestation. The mother, as it were, becomes a lightning rod, a person who is to blame for all the troubles.

“Most likely, this situation stretches from childhood: comments, advice that you don’t ask for, lack of common ground,” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - You have already lost hope of clarifying something, changing, reaching out, getting something other than advice: support, mother's pride, praise, sympathy. When a similar situation has not changed for years, it is easier to step back, replace irritation with indifference. And everything would be fine, but the need to love our parents dies only with us, even if we think that this need has already been carefully buried by us. You should write a letter to your mother and say in it what you are unhappy with, what you would like to change and what you expect from your mother. You don't have to give the letter to her, you need it, not her. We cannot do something to another person, but we can do something to ourselves, such as acknowledging our need to love our parents.

And then try to feel gratitude and compassion for your mother - in order to be able to love her, but remember that she is not without flaws, but you will not have another mother. To be able to be angry with her, but remember that you are angry with a loved one who has done and is doing everything for you that he can. And if she does something wrong, it is because she does not know how to love in a different way. Try to pay attention not to what the mother says, but to what she does for you. Remember that she does everything she can for you, she tries. Try to feel gratitude for what she does for you.

There is an expression: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter, like any person, may have different reasons for dissatisfaction: unsettled work, lack of money, lack of fulfillment in the profession, the uncertainty of her position. But the main one is the relationship with a man.

If the daughter does not have a man, then she believes that her mother is indirectly to blame. If he exists, but relations with him are unstable and do not develop the way a young woman wants, then the blame is also shifted to the mother. If the daughter has a husband, then the mother will still be the lightning rod. After all, the daughter will not express everything that she thinks to her husband: she is afraid of a conflict, afraid to ruin her relationship with him. And negative feelings accumulate, so she splashes out her discontent and irritation on her mother. Most often this happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. Just a mother is a mother, she must understand, take everything upon herself and forgive. That's how she's supposed to.

“It's a shame when children start making claims,” continues psychologist Irina Sitnikova. We always do everything we can for them. So throw away your guilt. All the children of the world are dissatisfied with their parents, for all children they are always to blame for everything. Apart from those whom their parents have left in the care of the state, these children love their parents...

All children sooner or later begin to show signs of disappointment with their "ancestors". This is normal, this is growing up, there is a process of separation. If your daughter admires you endlessly, she will never dare to tear herself away from your skirt. Now she should have another object for idealization - a man.

So just be there for her. Let her be disappointed in you. In response to her claims, say that you may not be the best mother (yes, ideal mothers do not exist), but you love her and do everything in your power for her.

Every mother doubts that she is a good mother, and this is what allows her to be a good mother. And every mother experiences the process of separation as hard as a child, even if both parties do not show it. Release your daughter, she will return to you."

Don't grow old together

Are moms always angels? Not always. Their most common mistake is to continue to consider their adult daughters as little girls and continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor in communication with them: she said something wrong, she did something wrong, do as I say! Constant advice and guidance. Daughter is pissed off. She is an adult, she wants to decide everything herself, because this is her life. And then there is a constant "correction" on the part of the mother. Mom seems to think that her daughter is still not smart enough, quick-witted, independent, so she needs to be taught, guided, prompted all the time. Mom seems to be watching her daughter all the time, controlling her. Therefore, it is not surprising that adult daughters seek to protect their lives from their mother's invasion.

But it also happens worse. If the mother has a strong, domineering character, then sometimes she manages to break her daughter's will, to subjugate her. She manipulates her daughter and blackmails her. The subtext is, “If you leave me (come home late, wear the wrong skirt, hook up with the wrong guy), then I will die.” Perhaps the mother is not aware of the perniciousness of her actions, but this does not make it easier. And if the mother manages to break her daughter's will and she completely obeys her mother, to the point that she puts an end to her personal life and stays with her mother, then they will grow old together. Have you ever seen this? Sad picture...

What is a mother to do? Internally separate yourself from your daughter. Stop teaching her, stop giving her advice and interfering in her life. The daughter is already an adult and now she must build her own destiny, even if she makes mistakes. She needs to gain her own worldly experience, the only way she can become a mature woman.

“Surely, your daughter also lacks sincerity in relationships,” psychologist Elena Kuznetsova tells mothers. - Remember yourself as a daughter: mother's love is a very important need. By refusing to be friends with your mother, a person loses a lot. But these things don't just happen. Usually they are preceded by some kind of resentment, misunderstanding, something traumatic. And a direct question is hardly enough: “What are you offended by?” In their grievances, people tend to close up, fence off. It looks something like this: “Oh, are you doing this to me? Well, I don’t need you anymore, I can do without you!” It is these "iceberg foundations" that are most often found in mother-daughter conflicts.

Everything will work out for her

You should not fight with your daughter over who is more important and who should dictate to whom. We must endure, wait and wish her happiness. Sometimes you need to be able to keep silent, take on your daughter's pain. Everything is cured and forgiven by love.

“You are the main person in your daughter’s life,” recalls psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. And she really needs you. Resentment will not help restore trust between you. Try to manage your emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think that it is more difficult for her to take the first step. Say that you thought you had a good, trusting relationship. Ask her what she thinks. She loves you, but protests (she herself does not fully understand what exactly she is against). Just go up to her and hug her."

Sometimes the best solution is a timeout. Stop trying to fix things. It is better to just step back from each other and let things take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept everything as it is, without expecting or doing anything. Let the daughter live her life, go through her lessons, become a truly adult. She will succeed, no doubt. When she becomes a mature, independent, self-confident woman and is finally happy, then relations with you will definitely improve. You just need to calmly wait for this, believing that it will be so.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru

Good afternoon. I am soon 32, I am currently on maternity leave (5 months old baby), I am writing a dissertation Ph.D.
Today's incident led to the idea that it is a vital necessity to use the services of a psychologist.
My parents are intelligent, educated, decent people. Moreover, I can say that our family is quite prosperous, except for long-standing conflicts.
The fact is that throughout my life (soon to be 32) I never developed a friendly and warm relationship with my mother. For her, I turned out to be a difficult, distrustful child, no less difficult teenager, and then we began to move away from each other more and more.
Since about 2003, I began to live separately in relative financial and territorial dependence. Minor domestic conflicts began to fade into the background, as they tried to spend the infrequent time spent together on more pleasant communication. In 2010, I left for almost a year for an internship in another country, after returning I spent another year in my homeland, and then I got married and moved to my husband in the same country.
My way of life for a long time caused from strong hostility to quiet contempt. In principle, it makes no sense to expect an adequate reaction to any religious choice from non-religious loved ones.
Recently, our child was born and at the family council it was decided to spend the first months after the birth with the parents, since they never came for all the time they lived abroad, and the desire to help with the baby is easier to realize in their native land. In fact, there were many reasons for this decision and I will not disclose them now.
The first days the help was significant, since I saw such small children only in pictures, there was no experience of care (I am the only daughter in the family), I learned everything from scratch, but with enthusiasm. There were breakdowns, disorders, and postpartum depression became protracted, despite significant help around the house and in providing me and the baby with everything necessary.
My relationship with my parents, in particular, with my mother, also worsened, given the long period of living separately.
One of the hotspots is our views on parenting, specifically breastfeeding. The fact is that I am an "artist", and this is the main example we have in matters of complementary foods, education, and so on. They simply do not want to accept that information on the Internet can be useful, basing their arguments on publications 30 years ago. It is not always possible to convey the importance of natural feeding, especially at a moment of special heat. Since in my desire to extinguish the conflict, mom sees a child hiding, and in order to achieve the goal of establishing her position in the dispute, no matter how much she loves her grandson, it is completely normal for her to raise her voice at me in his presence, even hit (it was only once, but It was this time that forced me to resort to the advice of a specialist).
It is extremely rare to get your point across. Most often I am asked to "keep quiet, as everyone has come from work and wants to rest." The fact that I can also get tired of sitting with a child in 4 walls, I don’t even talk about night feedings, they don’t write down fatigue.
Mom and dad hold leadership positions, the responsibility and workload are appropriate. But it is this type of employment that puts an end to all our attempts to negotiate. Most of my classes, as a rule, they perceived as a whim and a frivolous pastime, including graduate school.
Today the situation has escalated to the limit. It turns out that two weeks ago my mother found my personal diaries of the puberty period, where I speak of her in a not very flattering and censorship way. Then the relationship with my parents was actually difficult, but it always seemed to me that the milestone had been overcome and there was no point in returning to the events of 20 years ago. Besides now I would not repeat the same words. Unfortunately, a mother, in search of her truth, can sometimes use any evidence, including such.
On the second of three days of the March weekend, my parents made plans to go out and I had to walk with the baby. How inopportunely jumped the temperature due to stagnation of milk. The news about the poor state of health was received negatively "here they had a rest", but they still decided to walk with him, because they love their grandson. The kid did not get enough sleep and was a little capricious, so it was necessary either to put him to bed or take him out for a walk. When I put it on, it was perceived with even more negativity, since I did not warn that I was wearing it. Tired of the bickering, I gave up that I would take a walk with the child myself, and quickly went to get dressed. My reaction was perceived as a desire to scandal and satisfy their energy vampirism (almost verbatim). I had to take the temperature humiliatingly under supervision to prove the veracity of my words, but it did not affect the further course of the conversation. I don’t remember what exactly was said, in general, the disassembly was in the nature of “shut up, I don’t listen to you, you still treat me like that and want to scandal.” At some point, my mother hit me, I automatically pushed her away from surprise, she recoiled towards the closet behind her with such eyes as if it was me who was the instigator of the assault. And the next blow I received from my dad with the words "mom has pressure."
Therefore, I am writing about this because such actions are surreal for our family. There has never been such a thing.
To be honest, the situation is still perceived by me as absurd. In my understanding, mother-daughter relationships should not be like this, but unfortunately, they are. Dad was always on Mom's side, no matter what happened. In this position, I see more advantages in his realization of the role of a husband.
I think that here it will not hurt to add a couple of touches to the psychological portrait of my mother. She grew up in a village, where every minute was dear to the household and feeding the family, and therefore the education of children was given the minimum of the necessary time. I encountered this myself when I realized that communication with my mother is emotionally depleted and she simply does not know how to love with emotions. They took care of me, took me to developing circles, provided me with the most necessary things, but there was no elementary "squeezing". To this we can add the almost absence of breastfeeding and a kindergarten in which I found myself alone with teachers who loved children only in the presence of their parents.
All these sketches from the past were told to me in the form, there was no choice, that's why it happened. But it doesn't get any easier. Because even now, justifying herself and those actions, my mother does not have an understanding that although I myself am used to being deprived of tactile contacts, I still need it.
Today, it feels like everything has collapsed. About personal diaries were thrown in the face. I really wanted to quote my mother's words that when she left me on one of the summer vacations with relatives, she left with a sense of relief, very tired of me. To be honest, despite her help, albeit without emotional support, the feeling of uselessness did not leave me. Like the words "encouragement", from the series "you will not succeed."
Now they tell me directly to get out. And I'll be out as soon as the documents are ready. I'm leaving with my long-awaited grandson.
The question is what will remain here and whether it can be repaired ... I apologize for the chaotic story. At first I was angry, then I felt sorry for myself, now I probably feel sorry for her.