How to deal with your fears? Is it necessary? Fear of intimacy. Fear in the position of the victim

Olga Romaniv, the founder and head of the Classics of Relations dating club, talks about the fear of communication. How to deal with it? Why are people afraid to communicate with each other? Why are they embarrassed to be the first to enter into a conversation and make new acquaintances? How to deal with your fears? How to become a more open person and get rid of your fears?

Are you scared? Great! And the more you are afraid, the more useful it is for you to take a step towards this fear. In this situation, it is definitely impossible to fight. Instead, challenge your fear. Roughly speaking, look him straight in the face. Enter it - consciously, meaningfully, breathing deeply and smiling. Enter a new experience to enrich yourself and make the world around you richer. First, it is very important that you feel good with yourself, because the people who surround you - your friends and acquaintances - are manifestations of different sides of your nature. And only when you feel good alone with yourself, when you are in harmony with your Self, when loneliness is perceived as time spent for the benefit of yourself, then you will become comfortable with people around.

Why are we afraid to make new acquaintances?

Because we are hindered by the experience of past disappointments. But it is very important to let go of past grievances and negativity, learn a lesson, realize what has been experienced and move on. Any fear that exists in our lives is expedient. Because any fear is our guard, it protects us. Although it happens that the danger has passed, but the fear remains. For example, a small child is afraid of heights and sharp objects. He grows up and understands all the danger that comes with contact with sharp things or being at a height, but continues to be afraid of them, which is natural. After all, he is driven by the instinct of self-preservation. But if you have fears that have nothing to do with safety, such as fear of the dark, closed spaces or loneliness, you need the help of a specialist.

Any fear that has ceased to fulfill its function as a defense mechanism slows down a person, makes him doubt and stagnate. A person who carries a load of fears deprives himself of the opportunity to develop, gain new experience. In essence, we are social beings and it is important for all of us to remain in good harmonious relations with the world and people. Relationships are natural, it is inherent in our nature. It is bad for a person alone, being in isolation, he simply begins to die. Each person is an open energy system, and this is the only way we can develop, interact with each other, become wiser, kinder, more successful. We get to know this beautiful world and get an amazing useful experience.

And a few more tips:

You need your fear, realize why.
Thank your fear, say that you no longer need it, since you are already an adult prudent person.
Let go of your fear, there are many ways to do this.
Accept the fact that you are a living person and you may well be scared - this is normal.
Try on the costume of a brave person: stand in front of a mirror, look at your posture, take a walk, what kind of gait you have, facial expression, what is written in your eyes.
Smile more often, and let this be a sign that you are benevolent towards the world, and then it will be mutual.
Always stay in the present tense. As soon as fear arises, track where your mind is, in the past or in the future. And when you bring it back to the present, you will be surprised to find that the fear has diminished or disappeared altogether.
Move! If you are scared, and you absolutely do not understand what to do, or are already working through some kind of fear, be sure to move. Jump, run, wave your arms, shout! When you are on the move, it helps to release fear.
Breathe deeply, fully. At such moments, it is very important to ground yourself, to track that your breathing is even and calm.

And remember, when you are in the body, in the present, here and now - there are no fears!

Often we suffer manifestations of stubbornness, impatience, self-abasement, greed, self-imposed martyrdom, arrogance, and self-destruction. These shortcomings prevent us from enjoying life and poison its most pleasant moments. How to deal with your own negative character traits?

Usually flaws do not go alone. If you are a martyr at heart, chances are you are impatient. Arrogant people are often greedy, while stubborn people are often arrogant. It is not necessary to deal with all your shortcomings at once. There is a high probability that a new one will immediately appear in the place of the disappeared one. If you find more than five of the signs below, then it's time to start fighting your own negative traits.

arrogance

Arrogant people almost always look great and are self-disciplined. And this is more of an advantage than a disadvantage.

However, they risk becoming lonely. In addition, they experience failure very much and avoid sincerity in communication. And all because deep down they are not sure of themselves.

Signs of an arrogant person:

- They do not need advice and rely only on themselves. Arrogant people cannot stand criticism and are always sure that they are right;

- Never ask for a loan;

– Keep a distance in relations with colleagues and subordinates;

- Enjoy the envy of others;

- They consider themselves worthy of all kinds of compliments;

- They do not like to praise others;

- Often they are lonely, as they hardly go to rapprochement;

- They don't like being compared to anyone.

- They think that their parents did not like them;

- They don't like to lose

- They do not know how to express their emotions and do not like emotional natures.

If you are familiar with many of the traits listed above, then it's time to start fighting your own arrogance. Don't be afraid to be frank! Laugh and do not keep all the emotions in yourself! Do not be afraid to be funny and relaxed! Praise those around you! Show interest in people! Don't be afraid to ask for advice! Try to treat criticism with humor! Do not take every comment with hostility! Be simple, and you will have more well-wishers and friends!

Samoyedism

People who are prone to self-criticism tend to be modest, unpretentious, and unpretentious. However, low self-esteem, lack of initiative and a sense of loneliness often poison their lives.

Signs of people prone to self-blame:

- They think that everything turns out worse for them than for others;

They always prepare themselves for the worst;

- They blame themselves for all the troubles;

- They do not defend their point of view, agree with criticism addressed to them, and then worry for a long time because of injustice;

- They obey circumstances and do not strive for a better life;

- Often have various unpleasant habits, such as biting their lips or covering their mouths with their hands, which usually accompany a nervous state;

– They feel that they did not live up to the expectations of their parents;

- Constantly apologize

- Often suffer from a sense of their own uselessness;

- They think that their appearance is far from ideal, and sometimes they even think about plastic surgery.

- They do not like to communicate with unfamiliar people, they are afraid of public speaking.

If you have found most of the above character traits in yourself, it is vital for you to change your attitude towards yourself. Stop beating yourself up and start praising yourself! You can even try to write down your progress and pay more attention to your appearance. Learn to love yourself and the world around you, and soon the world will love you back. Try to use every opportunity to increase your self-esteem. Tell yourself that you can handle any problem in no time. Consider failures and mistakes as an unfortunate misunderstanding and invaluable experience. Learn to make decisions and set yourself a goal in life that you will strive to achieve. Do not program yourself for failure and you will be lucky!

impatience

Impatient people tend to be bold and determined. However, they also have such negative character traits as incontinence, expressiveness, aggression, nervousness.

Signs of impatient people:

- As a rule, they walk quickly, constantly hurrying somewhere, even during the rest they cannot completely relax;

- Lose things, forget to turn off electrical appliances;

- They tap their fingers on the table, stamp their feet, gesticulate. They cannot do the same thing for a long time, they do not sit still for a minute;

- They do not like to wait, they are often annoyed for no apparent reason;

– Often come to meetings before the appointed time;

– Accidentally hit or break things;

- It seems to them that everything around is scumbags;

“They don’t have enough time all the time;

- They do not like lengthy reasoning;

- They never fully recover, they rarely take sick leave;

“Sometimes they speak first, and only then think.

If all this is familiar to you, try to relax for a moment and slow down. All this haste is bad for health. You need to learn to enjoy life, otherwise it will fly past you.

Try to divide cases into groups according to their importance. Do the most urgent things first, then everything else. Try not to grab on to several things at the same time. Take a moment to relax during the day. Choose a leisurely activity you enjoy, such as knitting. Instead of rhythmic music, try enjoying the sounds of nature. Time management is your best friend. Make a plan for a month or a whole year and be sure to leave time for rest in it. Learn to live for today.

Martyrdom

Each of us has met such eternal martyrs in our lives. They possess valuable qualities of character, such as selflessness and altruism. However, they often dwell on failures and enjoy their own misfortune.

Signs of the "great martyrs":

– They are often depressed;

- They love to be sympathized with;

– They feel that they are underestimated and disliked;

– They often feel cornered. They worry for any reason, and then get sick;

- They stoop, try, as if, to appear below their height;

“Their psychological problems often come from childhood. Even now, parents never tire of reminding them how many problems they caused them as a child;

- Constantly expecting something bad;

- Often, after quarrels, they do not talk to the offenders for a long time.

If you constantly feel that you are not understood and not loved, maybe it’s better to stop feeling sorry for yourself and change your displeased facial expression to a smile?

Talk directly about your desires, and do not play performances. Others are not up to guessing your needs and desires. You don’t need to get carried away with self-sacrifice, so you should learn to say “no”. Try to please yourself daily. Do not use “you never” and others with a negative connotation in your speech, it is better to say “I ask you”, “I so want to”, etc.

Admit to yourself that you are trying to manipulate people into feeling sorry for yourself. You can just ask a loved one for help, and not tell him for half an hour why you cannot do something yourself. Start keeping a diary in which you will try to analyze your words and actions. Make a list of your desires and the reasons why they still haven't come true. More optimism and very soon there will be no trace of all these reasons!

Greed

Greedy people know how to enjoy life, but all this pleasure is poisoned by their gluttony.

Signs of greedy people:

Greedy people don't like to lend;

- They like to eat delicious food and can calmly eat the last piece of delicious food;

- They love shopping and can not resist the next purchase;

- Traded in markets and shops;

- Envy more fortunate people;

– Everyone around is perceived as potential rivals;

– Greedy people are usually jealous, because they perceive partners as their property;

- At home they go in whatever they want, but they buy status things;

- Parents limited them in childhood in many ways, and now, having the opportunity to buy whatever their heart desires, they come off to the fullest.

If you notice that you are not alien to greed, you should moderate your appetites. Tell yourself that what you already have is enough for happiness. Do not suffer from the lack of something, rather enjoy what you have.

Fatalism

Fatalists are often ready to sacrifice everything for the sake of loved ones. They go to any lengths, not caring about their own health and even life.

Signs of a fatalist:

- Fatalists believe that what will be, will not be avoided;

- Have addictions and do not take care of their own health;

- They love to feel the rush of adrenaline in the blood and often go in for extreme sports;

– Suffer from nervous breakdowns and do not know how to control their emotions;

– Can influence people and are easily influenced themselves;

– Were often abused as children;

– Dissatisfied with some features of their appearance;

– Often feel lonely and unwanted;

- They do not like criticism and love compliments addressed to them.

If fatalism drives you into a trap, forcing you to test your strength, you should learn not to get into unpleasant stories. Try this exercise: before you do anything, take a breath and weigh the pros and cons. You will see, you will make much less rash acts. Try to understand that you are not enough for everything, no matter how you strive to embrace the immensity.

Stubbornness

Stubborn people have two opposite qualities - determination and fear of change.

Signs of stubbornness:

- Stubborn people do not like to admit their mistakes;

- They do not like to listen to advice, trying to solve all problems on their own;

- It is difficult for them to take decisive actions;

– Not inclined to change their decisions;

- Many have mimic wrinkles on the bridge of the nose;

- They like to sit with their legs and arms crossed;

- Parents in childhood often punished them for disobedience.

Stubborn individuals will not be harmed by a simple psychological exercise: imagine yourself as a fish in a school that swims in a vast ocean. The fish is forced to swim along with its relatives, and cannot lag behind them. Try to enjoy the movement and enjoy the company of your own kind. Learn to be flexible in dealing with others. Do not think that everyone around you wants to command you. In addition, it is worth leaving yourself the right to make mistakes.

You don't have to fight with your shortcomings. The fact is that this is one of the many patterns that society has imposed on you. And the rules of society (the system as a whole) are never interested in your personal development. Yes, at least the fact that everyone around is diligently “fighting” with their shortcomings already gives us a reason to cast doubt on the statement.

What is left for us in return? What is an effective way of development? Work on your strengths! It is in them that our uniqueness is hidden. “He is not very handsome, but what a wonderful smile he has!” "She does not have an ideal figure, but she knows how to behave in public and at home - to create coziness." “He doesn’t know how to hammer a nail, but why should he - he’s a millionaire?” “She doesn’t know how to cook borscht, but what a “tasty” she is in bed! ..” This is how people notice and highlight the strengths of others. Notice how the pros completely outweigh the cons. We are ready to forgive many shortcomings for one thing that we really like in a person.

Many famous actors do not have a super appearance, but they have charisma, a special charm that distinguishes them from others. Many vocalists do not have a strong voice, but have a pleasant timbre. Many directors do not shoot according to the canons, but create classics from violations of the canons. Many outstanding creators around the world did not have a special education, but they radically changed the art. Millions of people had no education at all, but succeeded because of the unique abilities they developed in themselves.

The trap of the “fight your faults” pattern is that we focus on our negative sides, shortcomings. Thus, we do not develop our uniqueness, originality. We are not focusing on what should be in order to develop harmoniously.

Note that when you work on your mistakes, it is very exhausting. And at some point you just stop enjoying what you do in general. Whatever you do - everything turns into a viscous gray routine. And the more you work on mistakes, the more you make mistakes. Any desire to get rid of one's shortcomings, to get rid of the "bad" self only leads to the strengthening of all this. So with a little sucker in yourself you will never figure it out :)

The most important thing to start with is to accept your shortcomings. Maybe you have some weaknesses, maybe you are a little lazy, maybe you don’t have the body parameters you would like - you need to accept everything and stop thinking about it. Like bad weather, like black and white, like bad breath in the morning - it has always been and will be in varying amounts or intensity.

And now the most important thing: think about what are your strengths? Why are you "cool"? This is what should once and for all become your guideline in daily practice. How to determine your strengths? Think about what you love about yourself or what you love doing the most. Perhaps someone once said that you have a very pleasant voice. Perhaps you are praised for sports achievements, mathematical skills. And perhaps - you have a wonderful taste and you know how to choose clothes for someone or furnish the interior of the house. Options may vary! The main thing is to grab this key.

Replace your habit of sweating over your flaws with the beautiful habit of loving yourself in every way! Every time you finish something, praise yourself. Even if nothing worked out, you failed - please yourself. Buy ice cream, take yourself to a movie, take a scented bath with... someone. I am not kidding! Never, I repeat, never punish yourself! Never berate yourself! Treat yourself kindly and gently - this is the only way you can accumulate strength and energy to move on. Be grateful to yourself for any effort, regardless of the result.

Get in the habit of highlighting in everything that has been done, the best, and the good! Ask people: what did you like most about what I did? What do you remember the most? Be grateful for praise and compliments and give them yourself. Do not skimp on good words. You may not like a new acquaintance, but he will be well dressed. Tell him this and you will see him blossom with joy.

Change the dominant of "flaws" to the dominant of "my strengths" and you will feel a huge unpleasant burden of "guilt" (for your shortcomings) being lifted off your shoulders. And very soon you will notice how changes will begin to occur in your life. Wonderful changes.

Instruction

There is probably no such person who, at least once in his life, would not like to start a new life on Monday, New Year or next month. But finding those who did so is very difficult. Usually such a desire remains only a desire, without causing any consequences. Therefore, the very first step on the path of struggle should be the realization that it will not be easy.

The most serious opponent for any person remains himself. Working on yourself requires tremendous willpower and faith in success. Understanding that your opponent fear is very strong and not so easy to deal with will give you the opportunity to mobilize all the internal forces that you have.

Any change always gets in the way of inner unrest. It is caused by the fact that it is very difficult to get out of the comfort zone. The way of life that a person leads over the years provides him with a calm existence, in which there is no place for shocks. Everything in this world strives for peace. And any change you want to make forces you to get out of your comfort zone, which is sometimes very difficult to do because of the fear that everything will turn out badly.

To get rid of such fears, write out a plan to achieve what you want in great detail. Imagine the most negative development scenario if you still decide to change something in your life. A person is only afraid of the unknown, when he imagines what awaits him, he involuntarily begins to insure himself, preparing ways of retreat or an alternative way to get what he wants.

Afraid of relationships, remember where such fears came from. Replace the negative experience of parents with the experience of happy married couples. Unsuccessful relationships - analyze, maybe you don’t know how to choose or you yourself make mistakes that prevent you from creating a strong union. So, work on yourself, raise your self-esteem, stop agreeing to the first representative of the opposite sex that comes across, or vice versa, get rid of unnecessarily high demands on them. Together with your loved one, you can always achieve everything you want.

Face your fears. Do what you are afraid of and you will see how all fears recede. Sometimes, in order to get rid of negativity, you need to find the strength in yourself to mentally relive what happened. And get rid of it once and for all.

But do not rush into the pool with your head. Fear is a protective reaction of the body that warns of a possible danger. Therefore, you do not have to walk through the park at night or bungee jump to prove to yourself that you can do everything. Remember, not all fears need to be fought.

Thousands of girls dream of starting a singing career and being famous. Some even have a very good talent, but do not know how to implement it. Becoming is not as difficult as many people think. To do this, you need to have at least basic singing skills, as well as a strong intention and motivation to succeed.

Be decisive and face your fears

Among those who dream of becoming a singer, there is always fierce competition. They want to conquer fans with their talent and become celebrities. Get ready to fight, many spend years to hone their singing skills, they participate in low-paying concerts with small crowds, but this is the only way to pave the way to a real career as a singer. Be patient and always think about your goal, you have a long work ahead of you.

Even established performers struggle with stage fright from time to time. This problem is likely to be in front of you. If this is the case and you constantly think about whether the audience will approve of your performance, look for a way to combat this, try to increase your self-confidence. The best and most effective way to do this is to sing in public as often as possible. Sing in the company of friends, sing from the stage and remember that someone else's opinion should not bother you, your goal is all that should worry you.

Decide what you will sing

Many aspiring singers do not sing their own songs, they are looking for compositions that they can perform well. This is important enough, because your goal at the beginning of the journey is not to show a beautiful song, but a beautiful voice and performance. Pick up 10-15 songs that you know and sing well, perform them in your performances. Try to balance your repertoire, do not allow it to consist only of the most popular songs or of songs that no one knows.

To fully reveal yourself, select songs that require a sharp change in the timbre of your voice and the tempo of singing.

Internet features

Aspiring performers who do not have much financial resources for their own promotion often start their careers by posting their performances on the Internet. If you decide to follow this path, remember that the Internet is the same public, but anonymous. You can get a lot of rave reviews, but it's also possible to get a negative reaction to your performance. Post only good and high-quality recordings that you yourself are proud of and that your friends like.

You can post your recordings both on various video hosting sites and on social networks.

Learn to accept criticism

No matter how well you sing, there will always be people who will not like your singing. It is impossible to please everyone, even the stars of the scene have fans and haters. Learning to accept constructive criticism and dismiss allegations will only help you hone your own talent. Never argue with those who challenge your talent, they may just be jealous of you.

Improve yourself

Keep improving your vocals constantly, don't stop there. Practice as often as possible, try to master new genres and manners of singing. All this will give you confidence and strengthen your talent.

How to deal with children's fears with the help of a fairy tale

The psychology of children is such that, listening to a fairy tale, they imagine themselves in the place of heroes. Why just imagine? Write a fairy tale for your child! For example, a child is afraid of an unknown creature that lives under the bed.

Describe the situation in a fairy-tale manner: “There once was (a) - there was (a) a boy (girl) named ... (child's name). More than anything, he was afraid of the Creature that lives under the bed ... ”and smoothly lead to a solution to the problem. For example: “... And the Being was most afraid of a magic mirror (a cube, etc., something that a child really has among toys). And the boy just had this…” And then let the events develop in such a way that the hero of the fairy tale drove the Creature away forever.

How to deal with children's fears with the help of the game

If the option with a fairy tale does not fit, you can just play the game: "Drive away fear." Let the child draw what he is afraid of. Then together take a black marker and paint over the drawing with stripes, as if locking fear in a cage. Or tear up the drawing, symbolically destroying fear.

Instead of a picture, you can use a pillow. Remember how in the newsreel "Yeralash": the boy was afraid of a bully from the class, made a figure of the offender from a pillow at home and beat him well - and the fear passed.

How to deal with children's fears with words

To fight children's fears and win, learn not to ignore your child's fears. Don't dismiss children's problems as if they were insignificant. It is also not recommended to tell the child: “What are you afraid of, like a little one? You're already big!"

Psychologists advise sharing their experience with the child, for example: “You know, I was also afraid of this as a child, but I did this and stopped being afraid.” If a child is hysterically afraid of some upcoming events (competitions, tests, etc.), support the childish spirit of independence and courage: “I believe you will succeed!”, “You can!”, “Let's train together, to be prepared for any circumstance."

Often children are afraid of any medical manipulations to the point of shivering. And all because mothers forget to really explain what will happen there - in the doctor's office.

It is easy to overcome children's fears of doctors: inform the child in detail and in an accessible language about what kind of procedure is to be done and why it is needed. For example: “Your teeth no longer protect you from germs, and therefore we need the help of a dentist. The doctor will look at the teeth and apply a special ointment that hardens. This ointment is called a filling. Reinforcing words with a game or a fairy tale, supporting your child morally, you can overcome children's fears and become a real friend and support for the baby.

The first recipe for dealing with fear

First you need to find your fear, in which part of the body it is hiding. Most often this is the head area, the inner surfaces of the elbows or popliteal fossae. Focusing on fear, you need to take a sharp breath, expelling fear from its hiding place. The clearer the picture and the more real the feeling of fear, the more effective this technique.

Recipe two

It is also based on deep exhalation. Having done it, you need to pull in your chin a little and take a decisive step towards meeting the perceived danger. If it is very scary, you can take two breaths and exhale, but no more, otherwise the effect disappears. This technique was used by samurai, and they had to cope with serious difficulties.

Recipe three

This method, like the first, is associated with the visualization of fear. It is necessary to track in which part of the body, with fear, the muscle tone weakens and strain it. Sometimes the fight against the consequences helps to cope with the cause.

Recipe Four

It is taken from reflexology. To defeat fear, it is effective to influence the Tien Fu and Xiabai points. Tien Fu is the P3 point according to international nomenclature, the third point of the lung meridian. It is located between the elbow bend and the axillary crease. To find it, you can use a simple technique. In the Chinese measuring system there is such a unit - cun. Three cun are equal to the diameter of four fingers (except the thumb) of the right hand for women and left-handers and left hand for men. So tian fu is located in the biceps area, 6 cun from the elbow bend and 3 cun from the armpit.

Xiabai, the fourth point of the lung meridian, is located not far from tien fu, 1 cun below it. One cun is the distance between the first and second interphalangeal folds of the third finger, or the width of the first phalanx of the thumb. Which hand to measure - the rules are the same. It is better to work with both points at the same time.
If a feeling of fear arises, you need to rub the skin in the area of \u200b\u200bthese points until unpleasant sensations of a pulling nature appear. First on one hand, then on the other. Stimulation of points helps with many situations besides fear - pain in the heart, depression, and other disorders of psychological balance.
The impact on the points is recommended to be combined with special breathing. It consists of a two-stage exhalation. First, the main part of the air is exhaled sharply and quickly with the sound “hu”, and then a long, maximally complete exhalation follows. Usually it takes 2-3 such breaths and a few seconds of working with points.
Do not forget about the point zu-san-li or E36. It has a wide range of effects on the body, and will help overcome fear. It is located at the outer edge of the kneecap.
There is another point, the massage of which helps in the fight against fear. It is known from martial arts and is located about 5 cm below the navel.

Recipe five

Russian warriors had their own way of dealing with fear. They growled. Not loudly and intimidatingly, but quietly, for yourself, in order to feel the inner vibration that drives away fear.

Recipe six

This method is suitable for people with rich imagination. You can imagine yourself as some kind of superhero who is not afraid of anything and stop being afraid too.

Seventh way

You need to get ahead of fear. That is, as soon as it begins to emerge, immediately act, preventing it from growing to a serious scale.

Method eight

You can train yourself not to be afraid. That is, periodically intentionally create or fall into a situation that frightens. Gradually, a habit will arise, and the fear will either go away completely, or become much less pronounced. For example, if you are afraid of heights, you can climb mountains or onto a roof, it is better not to be alone at first, in order to insure against panic attacks. If we are talking about psychological discomfort, you can first imagine a frightening situation, predicting all possible negative consequences and internally prepare for them.

Recipe Nine

A variety of training are extreme sports (freestyle, skydiving, rock climbing). Regularly experiencing quite understandable fear and adrenaline rushes, in other situations it becomes not so scary, and the body gets used to adrenaline.

Recipe ten

In the fight against fear and to increase vitality in general, holding your breath helps a lot. And both on exhalation and on inhalation. This contributes to the development of resistance to hypoxia and adrenaline, and hence to panic.

Recipe Eleven

An aggravated version of the previous method is suffocation, that is, holding the breath and hypoxia occur when clamping
respiratory tract and carotid arteries. The principle of action is the same, hypoxia and increased resistance to adrenaline. Such experiments are best done in company with someone, so as not to overdo it by chance.

Recipe twelfth

The most effective way to get used to adrenaline rushes is to simulate serious stressful situations. This may be a long stay under water or in a closed room, for example, in a dark cellar, an attack by dangerous animals.

After such situations, the body will not respond to petty fears. And lastly, remember. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of it. .

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