Great amount people cannot, they are simply not able to adequately respond even to the most constructive and friendly criticism. Why?

Yes, because every time they hurt a lot. That is, they realized that it makes sense to flush some criticism down the toilet instead of wasting their nerves on it, and this made life easier for them. But what to do with the right criticism? Especially if it's important to you. What to do if you need feedback, but even accurate and gentle remarks make you cringe worse than sciatica, and you completely lose motivation and the will to live in general?

I decided to write a manual on how to take criticism if you have big problems with it.

In the manual, I plan to consider why criticism can hurt you a lot, and what are the solutions. I'll tell you how to deal with your reaction. I will give you “tools” that will allow you to hear comments that are useful to you without deep emotional wounds, and also create a base for the future. These tools exist, and I will try to help you master them.

I will also try to help, no matter how strange it may sound, and those who criticize (I mean not “critics”, but those who really have to correct something with other people). Critics can see the main problem points where their statement is perceived as painful and may find ways to say better. There are always such ways, and if you have a “map of possible problems”, it becomes easier to build phrases.

Rather, let's get started.

As usual, there are a couple of inputs:

1. It must be understood that the painful perception of criticism is only the tip of the iceberg, the surface part of a much larger problem. Those personality traits that cause such hypersensitivity usually ruin your life in a much wider range of situations. Almost daily, in fact. You know this better than me. Therefore, it is very important to understand this underwater part (it doesn’t matter if it’s your own, a partner, a subordinate, or a friend) and be able to handle it. This can help you in a lot of ways.

Criticism hurts only when it hits an already existing wound. Remember it

2. Criticism hurts only when it hits an already existing wound. Remember this. If criticism hits a healthy place (even many times!), nothing bad happens. Therefore, even the most highly sensitive and vulnerable people can perfectly withstand criticism in some specific topics and areas.

My favorite question to illustrate: Would you be offended if an alien with blue hair and knees back criticized your hair color and the way your joints were made? And the favorite answer is: "Uh, hardly."

So there is only an overreaction to criticism that touches on something that has already been baked. For example, once wounded by other significant people, or post-traumatic, or “teared open” independently ... And, therefore, the resistance of each individual to criticism is determined, among other things, by the number of already existing sore spots and open “wounds” (see the list below ). The more of them, the more difficult it is for you. Again, this is important to remember.

Theory

There are many reasons for the painful attitude to criticism. Below I will list the ones that seem to me the main ones. They can occur both individually and in pairs, triplets and whole clusters. They can also be symptoms of each other or form the core of the personality. That is, all these points are not mutually exclusive things, but rather elements of a voluminous, complex, fluid puzzle. If you've found one or two, there's a good chance you can handle it on your own. If there are four or five at once and they really interfere with your life, then psychotherapy may be required.

What are these reasons?

1. Inner critic

He is also a tough Superego. A very strong and large part of the personality, which, being overdeveloped, is engaged not in accurate self-regulation, but in self-eating. I won’t repeat myself - I’d rather give a link to the article “The Inner Critic. Cookbook of self-eating". There, about this beast, it is also written on the same manual in terms of volume, and there is even a test.

How it works?

Criticism that comes from outside resonates (of course) with the darkest expectations and thoughts of the Inner Critic, and not just resonates, but is interpreted as negatively as possible, amplified many times and brought to the point of absurdity - with the help of far-reaching conclusions, self-abasement and depreciation.

Very simple: “I knew that I was an idiot and could never do anything normally.” Of course, it is very difficult to live with such a result. Therefore, any, even the friendliest criticism responds extremely painfully - because the degree of friendliness and usefulness is absolutely not important to the Inner Critic, he does not take this parameter (like any other real parameter) into account. He needs to confirm his bad point of view about himself, again and again, again and again.

2. Psychological trauma

In its most general form, trauma is something experienced by a person of such strength that he was not able to cope and received significant damage (often irreversible). Those who have been or are undergoing psychotherapy are usually aware of their traumas. But even if you don't have this therapeutic diagnosis, post-trauma (a post-traumatic state) may nonetheless be present. It, alas, can influence your perception of criticism and not only it. Modern research proves that in people who have experienced trauma, the neurochemical processes in the brain as a whole change quite dramatically.

How it works?

Trauma leaves a person with very little resource, because the main part of him left (and, perhaps, still leaves) to survive in a new reality, the one with damage. That part of the psyche, which is “I”, becomes very fragile, or ceases to develop properly (what kind of development, when it’s not easy to breathe). The fragile and unresourced "I" is not enough to process incoming negative signals, and they again cause damage. Sometimes comparable in size to the original injury.

Danger, danger, danger! You're a victim again, you're being destroyed. Fight, freeze or run, otherwise it will be like then again, and you already know too well how it all can end. Therefore, you need to either prevent damage at all costs, or dutifully lie down and wait it out until the moment when you can begin to recover. In general, "do not scare ostriches - the floor is concrete."

3. Narcissism

No, not that image of falling in love with oneself and extreme egocentrism, replicated in art. A little more difficult. It is now believed that every person has a narcissistic part, and its function is to maintain self-esteem in certain ways. These methods are mainly based on external confirmation of the inner "I". People with a strongly pronounced narcissistic radical do not feel any intelligible “I” in themselves at all, much less a good one, therefore they entirely make it up from reflections in the eyes of others.

How it works?

It is logical: any threat to external confirmation is automatically a threat to the internal good "I". That is, criticism is not just someone's negative opinion, no, no. In this case, she in fact corrodes you because you feel defective, insufficient, you feel that something irreparable is on display. You know, in general it is very difficult to live when thoughts and feelings are not just thoughts and feelings, but real reality (this is one of the possible failures in the ability to mentalize, by the way).

What message do you read from the critique?

What you hear/see is not a set of points, but a big, thick indication of your inferiority (perfectly real, according to your narcissistic part). Any criticism means that you have failed, which means you are worthless, unworthy, and so on and so forth. Usually at this stage, shame is connected (the core feeling in narcissism - narcissism feeds on the illusion of the absence of failures, and thus avoids this terrible shame).

4. Volatile/Low Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is how we evaluate and perceive ourselves (your Cap). It is believed that normal self-esteem (average or slightly higher) is the presence of a stable concept "I am good / th", well, or more simply - "it's good that I am." Several conclusions follow from this, in the context of criticism, this one is important: "Most of what I do is more or less good." Such an attitude should normally be strong enough, then even harsh criticism will not break or bend it.

How it works?

With low / unstable self-esteem, criticism lowers you even lower. And you, due to the fact that you are already so tired of being down all the time, you simply cannot bear situations when self-esteem decreases even more, they are catastrophic for you, because you cannot straighten up back.

What message do you read from the critique?

"Well, everything." Criticism in this case is a harbinger and a symptom of a sharp decline in self-esteem, a sign of your inconsistency with your own ideals and values. Incidentally, this is also related to the fact that people with low self-esteem tend to avoid recognizing their own role and responsibility in any problems and troubles in life - both their own and not their own. The same way of interpreting: recognized / a = lost / a self-respect and hope that someday I will become the person of my dreams.

5. Insecurity/Vulnerability

Oh, you can easily write a separate article about vulnerability. I'll try briefly: it feels like you've been skinned and you have nothing else to cover your sensitive insides. Most interactions with people hurt you so much that you involuntarily scream and jump back. It is clear that at the level of the psyche, this means that it is extremely easy to offend, upset, upset and hurt you, even without the slightest intention. You just have "mines" everywhere. Some you don't even know about until they explode.

How it works?

Any phrase (it may not be criticism at all) is perceived as a finger poke into an open wound, as a deliberate or unintentional (but no less painful) attack with the result in the form of something offensive and touching. Always offensive and always hurtful, regardless of the initial message. Occasionally it can be understood that people are not from evil, but more often - no. After all, they can’t help but see that you don’t have skin?!

What message do you read from the critique?

"Aaah, it hurts! Why did you hurt me so much?" In most cases, this is followed by a violent reaction directed at the "offender" who feels almost like an abuser. Considering the background in the form of flayed skin, I think this reaction is quite natural. The only pity is that understanding and the ability to breathe and go further from this does not increase.

6 Imposter Syndrome

A fairly well-known phenomenon, the essence of which is as follows: achievements, results, and in general the whole situation are felt by you as undeserved, acquired not thanks to your personal efforts and work, but fallen on you only because of crazy luck or random coincidences. I mean, you didn't do anything at all. The impostor syndrome is constantly accompanied by anxiety and fear - what if they expose it? After all, they will inevitably expose, right?

How it works?

Criticism is a very clear indication that "the boy just found a helmet" (from the point of view of your inner impostor). Of course, others will immediately see this and expose the naked king. Therefore, criticism makes you shrink in horror and hate any remarks, even correct ones.

What message do you read from the critique?

"Now they will understand everything ... Right now ... Right now ... Well, not now, then next time." It is very scary to live like this - in constant anxiety and inability to appropriate what you have achieved. Not surprisingly, criticism is interpreted in only one direction - the one that is truly important.

7. Perfectionism

Also material for a separate article called "Wishing Point". Someday I will write. In the meantime, let's be brief: Perfectionists completely lack the feeling that they are good enough. And they actually spend their lives chasing this feeling, not knowing what they are looking for and why they need it. The ways that perfectionists use to find that feeling are mostly about reaching the ideal. There is an illusion that if it is achieved, it will be good enough (in fact, no).

How it works?

Criticism directly indicates to the perfectionist that he is not ideal, and the illusion that it is possible to reach the “good enough” point crumbles like a house of cards. It is very painful, because it is, in fact, impossible to live without at least such a poor illusion. Therefore, criticism is unbearable for a perfectionist (although at the same time he constantly torments himself with it, such a paradox).

What message do you read from the critique?

“Oh my god, mistake! I am imperfect." (Atheists can replace the first part with something equivalent in emotionality). Mistakes, according to the perfectionist, should not be at all, however, as well as imperfections. And if they do exist, then this is nothing more than a sign of poor work on oneself. Notice the difference between narcissism and impostor syndrome? There the focus was outside - "everyone will see", but here he is on himself. It doesn’t matter who sees what, what matters is that I myself already know about my imperfection, and this is painful.

Not tired? Here's a picture about perfectionism for you to unload:

8. Inability to endure someone else's discomfort

There are people from whom everyone is comfortable. Convenient people. My colleague Polina Gaverdovskaya calls them invisible. These people were brought up by their parents in such a way that, if possible, there would be no discomfort from them. More often than not, this means they had to give up on themselves early. Almost completely - from their needs, feelings, desires and plans. So that no one accidentally crosses the road. And that will be atatat.

How it works?

Any criticism means, oh horror, that someone is dissatisfied with you, which means that someone has discomfort or even problems from you! And this cannot be allowed, it is very scary. From the realization that you, wittingly or unwittingly, caused someone inconvenience, you can become literally physically ill.

What message do you read from the critique?

“Oh-oh-oh, guard, it’s unpleasant for someone and it’s because of me! He didn’t please, he ruined everything, now the person is suffering.” That is, the usual focus here is on the other, on his stability and well-being, on taking care of his comfort, and not at all on himself. Feeling like the cause and source of someone else's discomfort is incredibly difficult for such people, so they take criticism very hard.

9. Paranoia

I don't mean here a psychiatric diagnosis, but rather a personality trait or an inclination, a habit. Have you noticed that there are people who easily accept various conspiracy theories and other people's malice on faith? It doesn't matter if there is something in the basis or not - it fits perfectly into their perception of the world. Well, that's what paranoid is. Its main motto could be made the phrase "Everything for a reason."

How it works?

A paranoid person perceives any criticism as intent and a desire to hurt him, and it is this intent that hurts / angers him, and not only and not so much the content of the critical remark. Agree, it is not easy to live surrounded by enemies, and it is not surprising to react to their regular attacks very painfully.

What message do you read from the critique?

“So you slept, and I knew that nothing good could be expected from you.” The focus here is also external, as in several previous paragraphs, and there is also no reliance on reality. But there is a certain certainty that everyone wants only bad things for you, and whoever doesn’t want to, hides it, well, or it’s only temporary.

10. Depression / subdepression

This may be an official diagnosis, or maybe just a certain period in life or a personal inclination (yes, it happens). In any case, the essence is the same: everything is bad, it was bad and will be bad. Unlike narcissism and the impostor syndrome, here the sense of "I" is quite real, it's just that this "I" is irreparably bad, and there is no hope or motivation to change it.

How it works?

A critical remark reinforces the depressive background, confirms that, yes, nothing good has happened yet again. As a rule, depression works in such a way that you still don’t have the energy to correct it, so any criticism hangs like a heavy stone around your neck without the possibility of using it for good (even if it is presented as it should and in fact there is such a possibility). Remember Eeyore the donkey? "Good morning, Piglet ... which I personally doubt."

What message do you read from the critique?

"Everything is ashes." The focus in this case is on a general painful background and inability to enjoy life (the so-called Anaesthesia dolorosa, "painful insensitivity"), and criticism is only an additional needle. In general, it may not even be heard in terms of content.

11. Personal history

The point partially intersects with trauma. The point here is this: if you have already had to suffer from critics in your life (as a rule, parents, teachers, former relationship partners and other significant people make a significant contribution), then any criticism that is somewhat reminiscent of that one - in content, form or on any other basis - will be perceived by you incredibly painfully. There are many examples, they have in common that it is enough to touch on a specific topic or build a phrase in a certain way to make you bristle.

How it works?

Here the focus is on the fact that the criticism is around a particular topic or in a particular way. It hurts in itself, because you already have a big callus in this place. And, of course, you absolutely cannot see the positive aspects in such criticism, even if there are any - the callus blocks them.

What message do you read from the critique?

“Yyy, again I (something mine) does not suit someone, well, as much as possible.” In general, the reciprocal feeling is very close to despair and impotence, and that is why it hurts so much. You, as a rule, have already learned from the past that you cannot cope with this, and the current situation works for you as an anchor, an instant portal to these memories.

Read about how to respond to criticism in the next column by Ekaterina Sigitova. Stay tuned for updates .

New Time invites our famous columnists to lectures . Detailed program.

Greetings, dear readers! Today I decided to publish an article on how to respond to the criticism that each of us faces almost daily. Sometimes it seems that criticism is the surest way to get the desired result from a particular person. But why, when we are criticized, do we cease to consider such a method as correct and feel offended?

Do you agree that praise and encouragement are more inspiring to great deeds? But life is arranged in such a way that people in the world are completely different. Sometimes tactless, too straightforward, even shameless. Everyday life forces you to be in communication with others, find a common language, get a job,. How to learn to resist comments addressed to you, especially unfair ones?

To begin with, let's denote that criticism happens:

• Constructive. Example: "You are a bit slow at work, try to be faster and don't worry, it will help us all a lot." As you can see, such criticism is loyal, in principle it does not offend, and you can focus on working further.
• Destructive. Example: “You are in this dress, well, just a cow, and your crooked legs do not cover and fit like a sausage.” This criticism is aggressive and offensive because it concerns appearance.

How to respond to criticism correctly?

Remember that criticism is often a manipulative weapon. He seeks not only to use a person, but also to humiliate in every possible way, transfer the blame, mistakes to another. What to do in such cases? How to learn to listen to criticism calmly and not feel flawed?

1. Learn self-control. There is no point in defending and making excuses if the boss acts as a manipulator. one exercise will help. Take 20 minutes a day to just sit and do nothing. Pay close attention to what is around you. Think about sensations: emotional, spiritual, mental. The goal pursued is this - you learn not to pay attention to trifles and trifles, but focus on the main thing.
2. Learn to abstract (that is, mentally distracted). Recall as accurately as possible the remark that hurt you the most. Listen to how your body reacts to this memory. Mentally direct the air flow to the place where the reaction in the body most of all occurred. When the tension subsides, remember some unpleasant episode from the movie or the lives of strangers, pay attention to their gestures and facial expressions. The point is to learn how to quickly change the focus of your perception.
3. Learn to recognize the real meaning of remarks. For example, the management at work screams and accuses you of letting the whole team down because of poor progress. This is nothing more than an attempt to shift responsibility. It is useless to argue that you were additionally loaded with other responsibilities, and clients constantly made some changes and additions to the project. What should be answered? Laconically: “Everything is going according to plan”, “Yes, there is not much time left, but it is important that the work is not only done quickly, but also with high quality”, “I am ready to show what has been done right now.” If the boss decided to make you a victim, then most likely you will not receive an answer to any of the above proposals. Then you can continue to work without looking back.
4. Don't answer harshness for harshness. If, for example, a client is not satisfied with the work and speaks to you in the style of “Who taught you and where?”, “Your hands are not growing from the right place,” then you should let him let off steam. Although, of course, such words are very offensive. All the more unpleasant to hear this from a complete stranger. Offer to redo or refund. It is better to suffer material losses than to believe in oneself.
5. Don't make excuses. Never. Sometimes behind criticisms there is a desire to attract attention or just a whim. How to react? Ask directly: "What can I do for you, what do you want?" And refine until you get a clear answer.
6. Benefit for yourself. If you are criticized by a colleague at work, lower in position, then why eat your nerves in vain. Let him first grow up to your place, then speak out. And if the person above criticizes, then know one thing - you are moving in the right direction and approaching his level.
7. Learn to sort statements. It often happens like this. Some person from your circle does not miss the opportunity to make a remark to you. Analyze for what most often. Most likely, a person finds qualities in you that he does not accept in himself. He cannot change them, but through you he criticizes himself.
8. We remove emotions. Turn statements into text on paper and mentally read it. There will be no gestures, voices, emotions. In the text, it is not clear to you whether they are shouting at you. A very good way, I think.
9. Thanks for the criticism. If you say once that this was an important opinion for you, then next time no one else can hook you.
10. Do not react to criticism on the Internet. It's so easy to sit at a computer on the other side of the world under an assumed name and insult a person, assert yourself at someone else's expense, knowing that you will never meet in real life. I urge you never to respond to this. It's impossible to please everyone.
11. The most difficult method is to recognize someone else's constructive criticism as fair. It requires character, will, strength. Do not miss the opportunity, if this is true, to admit the irrationality of your act or something else.

Who overreacts to criticism?

Painfully perceive it:

• perfectionists who like to do everything at the highest level;
• people with the “excellent student syndrome”, who believe that they are always and everywhere the best and first;
• insecure individuals who consider themselves unworthy of something good and live in thoughts.

Experience shows that most people have no idea how best to respond to criticism. Or, they do it the wrong way. Right - it is, first of all, worthy, without offending and without causing conflict.

Fair criticism or not, but it still makes a negative assessment of our actions, making us feel not the best feelings. In any case, criticism is such a litmus test for itself, revealing problems inside.

Friends, thank you for reading to the end. Leave your comment, please write if you react sharply to criticism. Bye everyone!

Especially a lot of criticism falls on those who do not act the way society is used to seeing. If you have some innovative thoughts and solutions, then be prepared for the fact that society will begin to condemn you, criticize, try to "restrain" and direct you in the right direction. Someone begins to respond to criticism with aggression, someone simply ignores. But both of them are doing the wrong thing. You need to be able to use criticism, because it is a free source of knowledge and an opportunity to correct yourself.
Large companies, when launching some new project, even pay for criticism. Special focus groups are hired, the purpose of which is to evaluate, criticize certain aspects, point out the minuses and shortcomings. Imagine that you get all this for free. Believe me, criticism is great, it's good, it's necessary for you to grow as a person, as a businessman, as a person.

Today we will give 7 tips, tell you how to respond to criticism, how to get the most out of what you hear from others. If you carefully read each advice and learn how to use them in life, then believe me, after a while you will notice dramatic changes.

1. What can I learn?
If criticism comes in your direction, then first of all ask yourself the question: “What can I learn? What can I take away from these words? As a rule, there is a rational grain in criticism. From scratch, a person will not blame you for something, will not criticize just like that. So he sees something that you are not able to see.
Of course, very often our ego kicks, it is difficult for him to accept criticism. We think: “What does he know, why is he picking on me? I'm fine as it is." But if there is a “bell”, then not everything is so good. Of course, 90% of criticism is unfounded, and is based only on the subjective assessment of a person. But, as mentioned above, there is a rational grain in it. And if you have already received criticism in your direction, then try to calmly accept it, analyze it, and think about it. Or perhaps a person pointed out a flaw, correcting which you will become many times better.

2. Distinguish remarks from the critical tone
Many may say: “Yes, what lessons can I learn if they shout at me, criticize me, make some unfounded conclusions.” But it often happens that we do not see valuable remarks behind the raised tone.
When a person starts screaming, criticizing, accusing, we become defensive, and all his words automatically seem false and are aimed at our humiliation. Again, not everything is as bad as you imagine. Be able to isolate remarks from shouts. At first it will not be easy to do, but after that try to analyze everything.
How do I. Even if there is a skirmish, a person shouts something, reproaches, criticizes, then I accept everything. You won’t be able to analyze anything on emotions, but after a couple of hours, when you calm down and step back a little, then it’s time to start assessing. Sit down, remember everything that you were told, without judgment and unnecessary speculation, try to analyze all the criticism. Be honest with yourself and don't get defensive. That's when you'll be able to pick out useful remarks from the thousands of words spoken.

Related article:

3. Appreciate criticism
Usually we value only good words. If people praise us, we are satisfied, we answer them the same, we appreciate such words, because we consider it right. And we respond to criticism with negativity, aggression, because we think that this is unfounded and does not apply to us at all.
But what if I tell you that you need to do something completely different. Praise is good, but you do not need to appreciate it, pay much attention to flattery. Criticism - that's the undisguised, harsh, cold truth. If a person criticizes you, then you do not need to stand in a pose and try to give him even more criticism in response. It is better to perceive such a person as a teacher, as a mentor who, for free, points out to you what needs to be corrected, what to pay attention to, what to work on.
If you want to develop, grow, achieve your goals, then you need to learn how to accept constructive criticism, draw conclusions from it. Say thanks to those people who criticize you constructively, be grateful for their appreciation and irreplaceable life lesson.

4. Don't take it personally
One of the biggest problems with criticism is that people take things personally. If I say that I did not like the apple pie that my mother cooked, this does not mean that I criticize her, her abilities, her ability to cook. I just didn't like it at the moment. Maybe the whole family will be delighted, but I'm not. Well, I'm a person, and I also have the right to my own opinion. Of course, you can point out to mom what exactly I didn’t like, and this will be constructive criticism based on a personal judgment about the pie.
That's how most people are. When they are criticized, they talk about only one aspect of their life, then they identify with all their I. But if I say that you are proud or envious, this does not mean at all that you are always like that, and that pride and envy are yours. true me. These are just emotions that will pass, with which you need to work. And you are something much more than some temporary negative character traits.

Related article:

5. Ignore False Criticism
It happens that we are criticized, well, how to put it right, just like that, without thoroughly, just to pin up or offend. This kind of criticism is very hurtful. But, in fact, it is much easier to work with it than with a reasonable one. The only thing you need to learn is not to pay attention to such criticism. Just ignore her, take such words with a smile, understand that they have nothing to do with you.
False criticism is like a Pekingese that rushes at a sheepdog and immediately runs away behind the mistress's back. What does a shepherd do? That's right, she sits in a disciplined manner and does not even pay attention to the little pug.
The more you respond to unfounded criticism, the more you defend yourself and try to shield yourself, the more problems it will bring. Do not feed the critic, do not give him a reason to establish himself in the correctness of his words and thoughts. Silence, ignorance, and a slight smile - that's your reaction to stupid criticism.

6. Don't answer right away
As a rule, criticism, justified or not, makes us feel hurt and angry. We stop thinking soberly, emotions take over, which just go off scale. If you answer the “offender” in this state, then you will only aggravate the situation. Have you ever said something stupid on emotions, and then regretted what was said. I'm sure many have had similar situations. Therefore, before doing something about which you will reproach yourself in an hour, think about whether it is necessary. It is better to listen to everything quietly and calmly, overcome the volcano inside yourself, calm down your emotions, and after a while analyze everything that has been said, your thoughts on this matter, and most importantly, emotions. Why do they arise, what hurts you? It is very important to look for the source of your negative emotions and work on it.

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7. Smile
A smile, without sarcasm and ridicule, helps in many difficult situations. When we see that a person is smiling, that he radiates positive and good mood, then we ourselves begin to tune in to a similar wave. Therefore, if your interlocutor has entered into courage, screams and criticizes you, then just smile, speak evenly, calmly, in low tones. This will reduce the fuse of the interlocutor, transfer the conversation to a calmer channel.

How to respond to criticism in your address? Let's be honest - despite the fact that we have long been told about the importance of criticism for personal growth, few of us like to be criticized.

And the point here is not only that we are all selfish and morally immature people, unable to accept with gratitude the one who took the time to point out our shortcomings to us and thereby give us the opportunity to improve.

The point is also that not all criticism is constructive, some critics are simply engaged in manipulation or are trying in this way to show their power over us.

Not to mention the fact that criticism is always the result of a subjective perception of the situation and our actions by another person, this perception is worthy of attention, but it is not necessarily the ultimate truth.

In other words, the correct strategies for dealing with someone criticizing you are somewhere between Buddhist acceptance of everything and everything and its opposite, fierce denial.

how to respond to criticism?

For the first time, the American psychologist and editor-in-chief of Charisma magazine Jamie Buckingham, who published the book “Coping with criticism” back in 1986, spoke for the first time about how important it is to respond correctly to criticism. Dr. Buckingham advised to abandon the aggressive defense and take any criticism in his address with love and a sense of humor.

Since then, many psychologists have worked on this topic, and most of them agree on one thing: constructive criticism is one of the most powerful catalysts for development (personal, professional, social, any), and it makes sense to learn how to use this catalyst correctly.

The rejection of criticism and a painful reaction to it is due to the fact that for most of us the approval of other people is important, this is how society works, psychologists explain. Recognition by others of our merits is a substitute for love, which we all need so much, and that is why criticism is painful for us, because criticism is the opposite of the approval we seek.

“Once you realize that you do not have to seek recognition from your boss, colleagues or acquaintances, you will be able to respond to criticism from them much more calmly. And even learn from it things that are useful for yourself,” says James Clear, author of “Haters and critics: how to deal with people judging you and your work”

How exactly do you take advantage of the situation when someone criticizes your actions, your work, or even the very fact of your existence?

turn criticism into discussion with an open question

If your interlocutor uses criticism as a tool of manipulation, then your reciprocal aggression is exactly what he wants. If your interlocutor thus shows his power over you, then a deaf unconscious woman and attempts to justify himself are a sign that he succeeds. If your interlocutor is a constructive person, and really wants to draw your attention to things that are important for your development, then your response attack will deprive you of the opportunity to learn something new. All three options are the same.

James Clear advises taking a deep breath and knocking the gun out of the hands of the critic with an open response: “Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. What should be done to avoid these mistakes?

An open-ended question moves you from the position of being criticized to the position of the person who moderates the discussion and controls its development. Even if you absolutely do not agree with the criticism addressed to you, give the interlocutor the opportunity to speak, and only then decide whether the information received is useful to you or not.

avoid conflictogens “I KNOW WITHOUT YOU”, “THIS IS NOT SO”, “FALSE”, ETC.

If you already hear criticism addressed to you, then most likely you do not know something. It is clear that criticism is always perceived as an attack, and we subconsciously defend ourselves with such phrases, but these phrases, unfortunately, turn a potentially constructive conversation into a conflict.

“I see”, “understandable”, “interesting”, “so-so” (without irony): these words and phrases show that you have enough self-confidence to listen to criticism calmly.

DON'T UNLEASH YOUR PARANOIA

Of course, criticism spoils our mood. We feel like the whole world is against us. Or that the critic hates us, wants to sit us down, or just a villain who likes to annoy us (and this also happens, but very rarely).

Remember yourself when you criticize someone - is there hatred for the criticized behind this? No, no, you just see some shortcomings / errors from the outside and report them, most often out of good intentions.

Moreover, you probably almost immediately forget about this incident, since your life is filled with other things, and not at all with hatred for the object of criticism and the desire to kill him from the light. In the case when you become the object of criticism, everything happens in much the same way - think about the fact that people rarely criticize those who are completely indifferent to them, and do not give your paranoia a chance to get the better of you.

NEVER SORRY

Well, unless the situation really requires you to apologize, which you completely agree with (for example, if you hurt someone's feelings). In all other cases, remember that any criticism is subjective, and it does not always make sense to immediately accept the point of view of the critic.

“Thanks, I’ll take it into account” is a polite way to let the interlocutor understand that his opinion was heard, and at the same time reserve the right to independently decide whether this opinion is useful or not.

DON'T LET THE CRITICISM IN YOURSELF

The harshest critics are not the people around us, but ourselves. A conversation with a critical boss lasts 15 minutes, our internal monologue can then last for weeks. And our inner critic is often much less polite than the external critic, we know how to apply ourselves in a way that rarely anyone decides from the outside - “fool!”, “It’s your own fault!”, “Now everyone around knows that you are stupid!” and so on.

Don't let criticism in, James writes. No one is perfect and there is not a single person on this planet who has not been criticized at least once in his life. No one!

Instead of muttering self-deprecating monologues, just replay the entire conversation in your head once and decide what you can get out of it for yourself (for your career, for personal development, for understanding the situation, for your relationships, etc.). )

After this exercise is done and the criticism has been processed by you into an experience, turn the page and move on without getting stuck in useless reflection, the psychologist advises.

Ultimately, the most correct strategy for dealing with a situation where you are being criticized is to treat the critic as a potential source of information that is useful to you, while not allowing yourself to be humiliated and not accepting unconditionally everything that he tells you. “Okay, I heard, I understood, I will take into account, thank you,” a constructive strategy in five words.

We communicate with a variety of people in a variety of situations. It is no secret that criticism, remarks, insults very often take place. In business communication, the ability to respond correctly to criticism is a professionally important quality that allows you to achieve success and move up the career ladder.

Our weaknesses no longer harm us,

when we know them.

G. Lichtenberg

Wrong response to criticism

1. excuses. In response to criticism, a person begins to say that he is not guilty, that he is good, that the remark is unfair. He makes numerous arguments in his defence. “Why is it wrong to make excuses? "- you ask.

Firstly, because, justifying ourselves, we take a humiliated (like a childish) position. Secondly, most often no one needs our excuses, they do not want to listen to them. If a person has been waiting for you for half an hour in the rain, then he is not interested in your explanations of the reasons.

2. Counterattack. “He is like that”, “I hear from the same”, “And you look at yourself”.

In response to criticism, a person himself falls with criticism. Many immediately recall the saying: "The best defense is an attack." However, a counterattack always provokes conflict. Well, if you want conflict, attack. Just remember: you can kindle a conflict when you are sure that you can handle it, when you know and know how to resolve the conflict so that both parties can benefit, reach a new creative level.

3. Silence. A person silently listens to criticism and insults, thinking at the same time: "The word is silver, and silence is golden."

But silence is also the wrong response to criticism. First, silence in response to violent emotions is very annoying for some people and, therefore, can lead to violent conflict. Secondly, being silent when you are being insulted is bad for your health. Because, without reacting, you seem to “swallow” the insult and leave it to yourself. You need to at least "discharge" then. In Japan, for example, subordinates beat specially made puppets imitating superiors.

An answer that allows you to maintain a good relationship with your opponent and not to drop your self-esteem. The ability to respond correctly to criticism enhances such an important personality trait as self-confidence. Self-confidence is the experience of winning. Winning in the most difficult situations of business communication, you are even more convinced of your capabilities.

What is the right way to respond to criticism? There are three types of criticism and, accordingly, three ways to adequately respond to it.

The first type of criticism

(completely unfair)

This type includes:

name-calling and insults (“stupid”, “sloppy”, “incompetent”, “stupid”, etc.);

generalized criticism (“disgrace”, “what do you allow yourself”, “what the hell is this”).

A person who resorts to insults, as a rule, is influenced by emotions, not reason. So, first of all, it is necessary to calm him down and make him think, and not scream. In other words, we must choose a strategy that allows us to understand the cause of his anger and quickly resolve this situation. We must try to calmly and kindly ask the critic a few questions so that he concretizes his remarks and moves from emotions to reflections. Experts suggest asking questions of the following types.

Clarifying."What do you mean?" or “What do you mean by that?”. Of course, after such a question, an irritated person is not always able to immediately calm down and formulate his remark clearly and clearly. Continue to patiently, calmly, and kindly ask other questions until you get the right answer.

Actual.“Could you please name specific facts?”, “Give examples?”. If you don’t get a definite wording for these questions, but hear something like the following: “There are a lot of facts”, “You yourself know who (where, when)”, “There are more than enough examples”, then proceed to the next type of questions.

Alternative."You don't like this, this, or this?" For example: "You don't like the way I talk to clients, or the way I write reports?". In this way, you help the lover of criticism to formulate specific comments. After that, most likely, he will be able to specifically point out what he is dissatisfied with.

Devastating.“You don't like how I write reports, how I talk on the phone and how I dress? What else do you not like? These questions are necessary in order for a person to immediately express everything he is dissatisfied with and not pester you for a longer time. If he adds more remarks, then readily take note of them (“You still do not like that I am often late”).

This way of reacting is the most difficult, but the criticism was formulated in the most unfair form. Perhaps your leading questions, asked in a calm and friendly manner, will surprise and even irritate the critic. That's the way it should be. This means that he felt your superiority in this situation. He is used to pathetic excuses, counterattacks, or submissive silence, while you calmly try to figure it out and take note of fair remarks as soon as you hear them.

Attention! Only use questions like this if you're being criticized really unfairly.

The second type of criticism

(partially fair)

Critical remarks of this type are aimed at assessing your habits, character. These, in particular, include the subjective opinions expressed by the interlocutor (remember that he has the right to think so): “You are always late (arguing, talking nonsense, etc.)”, “You like to make fun of others (sleep, gossip etc.)” or “You are misbehaving (dressing, speaking, writing, etc.).” It is impossible to fully recognize such remarks, even if there is a grain of justice in them.

There are three ways to respond gracefully to partially justified criticism.

The first- the "cake" method. It means: take a bite, and let the rest fly on. In other words, acknowledge only the fair part of the criticism, and ignore the rest. Be sure to start your answer with "Yes". Always, recognizing something, you should first say this magic word in order to calm the interlocutor, win him over and demonstrate your confidence. To the remark: “You are always late”, a worthy answer would be: “Yes, today I was late.”

Second apply the method in cases where you do not agree even with part of the criticism. For example, they say: “You have bad manners” or “You don’t dress well.” And you think that the manners are correct and you dress well. To think about you as you like is the right of your interlocutor. Start again with the statement: "Yes, you have the right to think so", "Yes, not everyone likes my manners."

Third the method of responding with dignity to partially just criticism is the ability to turn criticism into dignity. Start the answer with “Yes”: “Do you like to chat” - “Yes, I am a sociable person”; ""You always argue with me" - "Yes, in a conversation with you it is possible to get to the bottom of the truth."

The third type of criticism

(totally fair)

You are pointed out to your words or misconduct, that is, they say that you said or did something wrong. Admit it right away: "Yes, you are right" or "Yes, it's true, I'm sorry." Many add: "Excuse me." We do not recommend apologizing often, unless it is absolutely necessary. The apologetic person does not seem confident.

There are more difficult situations. Imagine that all three types of criticism were applied to you at the same time. For example: “You are a bad worker. You cannot be entrusted with anything. You are always late. Today we were 20 minutes late again. That's not how you treat work." Psychologists believe that if you were presented with all the claims at once, rejoice. By answering correctly, you will most likely end up having an unpleasant conversation. Remember the essence of the method - accept what is fair. Therefore, the best answer is: "Yes, I'm late today." It is unlikely that they will want to repeat the tirade from the beginning. The critic will only have to say: "You agreed that it is completely fair."

Remember the three rules which must be observed when responding to any type of criticism.

The answer phrase should be short. About five words. You should not say "Yes, but...", as "but" means "no" and causes a new wave of criticism. Brevity is needed in order not to give the opponent a new reason for remarks, so that he cannot “catch on” to your own words.

You should not immediately answer rhetorical questions: “What do you allow yourself?”, “What have you come to?”, “How many times do you have to repeat?”. They, by definition, cannot be answered. The critic triumphantly drills you with his eyes and waits for a reaction. Calmly and kindly ask him: “Are you really interested in this?”. It has been established that in about 70% of cases he will say “No”, feeling the incorrectness of his rhetorical question. So you don't have to answer it. But if he says "Yes, I'm interested," then you should briefly answer within the meaning of the question.

A very important aspect that we overlooked is how to respond to criticism not externally, but internally. Of course, listening to criticisms, whether they are fair or not, each of us experiences not very pleasant emotions. After all, any person wants to be considered good, smart, capable, beautiful. But emotions are emotions, however, as they say, "there is no smoke without fire." Therefore, when an unpleasant conversation is over, take a moment and think about where you were wrong, where you made a mistake.

If the criticism was completely fair, analyze the situation from beginning to end, find possible behavior options for yourself, remember what exactly caused your interlocutor's dissatisfaction in order to prevent this from happening in the future.

In order to be successful, it is not enough to learn how to properly and adequately respond to criticism. It is very important to be able to express your dissatisfaction, to criticize correctly and constructively. Consider a few important points, having mastered which you can be on top in the most difficult, potentially conflict situations.

Moment 1. If you feel the need to talk about a problem, it is important to answer questions about the goal, results, means, and possible methods of solving it in advance. The main line in preparing a problematic conversation is to ensure that the opponent accepts your position. Remember the rules that will allow you to conduct a conversation constructively.

Collect and analyze information about a problem situation.

Build a conversation observing the following order of submission of information:

a message containing positive information about the interlocutor or his work;

message of a critical nature;

a message of a commendable and instructive nature (used only if you are firmly convinced that you can really teach something to the interlocutor, offer him the best behavior).

Be Specific and avoid vagueness, for example, turns like: “You did not do what was necessary”, “You did not complete the task”, etc.

Criticize the act, not the person.

These rules help to create a positive emotional background that allows you to conduct the unpleasant part of the conversation in a constructive way, without causing unnecessary hostility from your interlocutor, without forcing him to take a defensive position.

Moment 2. In the course of a conversation containing criticism, mutual understanding is very important.

The message can be encoded using a variety of words and phrases. Here synonymy will come to the rescue - the use of different words and phrases to communicate almost the same information.

For example, the content of the statement "You are late" can be conveyed using the expressions: "You came late" and "You did not come on time." Obviously, the choice of expressions affects understanding and can cause unwanted reactions. Compare the following pairs of synonyms, which clearly demonstrate the neutral or positive attitude of the speaker, on the one hand, and the negative, on the other: thrifty - miser; traditional - old-fashioned; extrovert - cheeky; prudent - cowardly; progressive - radical; information - propaganda; eccentric - crazy; short - shorty.

Moment 3. The frank, constructive-critical atmosphere of the conversation is contradicted by:

When listening to a message, one should keep in mind that fundamentally new ideas that do not fit into existing logical schemes or representations cause a certain emotional protest. So don't dismiss them out of hand. It takes time to think about new information, to pick up logical arguments to refute or confirm it. Do not contradict right away, because of this you may not hear the interlocutor's arguments in favor of the expressed consideration - and they may turn out to be quite weighty.

It is practically impossible to convince people who experience a sense of worthlessness, loneliness, alienation, anxiety, aggressive, poorly tolerated difficult situations.

We all criticize, and all are objects of criticism. It is important that both in the first and in the second case our behavior is worthy and constructive. Let's learn to act beautifully and reasonably. It is also worth thinking about this: how generously and with pleasure we give out remarks and instructions, and how stingily we are with praise and approval.