And all these joyful songs and poems are written about us. And the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener. Not with a neighbor, but with us (finally!).

However, it also happens that gradually the songs lose their melody, and the poems lose their meaning. Quarrels are repeated more and more often, and reconciled as easily as before is no longer possible. And what is between you, is already more like a neurotic relationship.

The “second half” seems either not at all suitable, or the best in the world.

Are you familiar with these contrasts? Are relationships more likely to bring depression than happiness? Perhaps you are in a neurotic relationship and it's time to think about how to get out of it. So it's time to act.

Why doesn't it stick?

Every relationship has ups and downs. However, in unhealthy relationships, partners become hostages to these contrasts.

That is, there is nothing wrong with domestic quarrels. But it is worth paying attention to their reasons. Yes, people can rub themselves, for example. They can test each other's boundaries. The point is sometimes not even in partners, but in the psycho-emotional burden that falls on one (or both) of them.

There is even a so-called "false memory syndrome". It is he who makes us remember ourselves during quarrels in the best light. And, therefore, we may not even be aware of how we hurt a partner during a skirmish.

But any reason suggests that your behavior needs to be reconsidered. And honestly discuss with your partner what hurts his behavior. In this case, there is always a chance to save the relationship.

However, if both people value each other, then what kind of gap can we talk about? And if not, then most likely they are trapped in a neurotic relationship.

Neurotic attitudes and their signs

In a fit of emotions, even the most beautiful relationships can be considered unhealthy for a moment. And vice versa - unhealthy relationships are considered correct for a long time. How to understand for sure?

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is considered a real expert in this field. He describes not only the signs that something has gone wrong. But it also tells how to get out of a neurotic relationship.

So, here are a few main points that you should try to “diagnose”:

• Where are your relationships going? Have you already moved to the stage of cohabitation, but nothing happens? If you have a need to develop a relationship, you need to talk about it with your partner. If your goals diverge and the person is not ready to start a family, then it's time to say goodbye. And if for many years of relationship you personally have not had a desire to start a family, it's also time to think about why;
• what really matters in a relationship. Neurotic relationships are characterized by the fact that emotions are in the foreground. Not a partner with his desires and feelings, but what sensations he gives. In other words, relationships become a platform for solving internal problems;
• "work on mistakes". When something in a relationship does not suit you, you need to talk about it. Aloud. With a partner. But if nothing changes after that, this is a serious reason to draw conclusions, Mikhail Labkovsky believes. After all, real neurosis, on both sides, begins when the relationship brings discomfort;
• what we need. Neurotic relationships happen to us because we need it, says the psychologist. We get what we need now. Most likely, the next relationship after the previous neurotic one will be the same;

• inclination. If you have developed a neurotic relationship with your parents, then you are at risk. The same goes for your partner. Love through suffering almost always has references to an unhappy childhood. The child tried with all his might to win the love of cold and / or aggressive parents. Or maybe, for example, since childhood he was afraid of the dark. But no one was there to console him. If you recognize yourself or your soul mate in this description, just be careful. This does not mean that any of your relationships will be unhealthy. However, you will need to learn how to love without suffering;
• who is neurotic here. Relationships in which both partners of the neurotic have no chance. Since when one of them is cured, it simply becomes uninteresting for him to continue in the same spirit. There is still a small chance - if both partners are ready to change. And this already means a lot, because changes will come in every sense of love.

How to get out of a difficult relationship and is it worth it

What to do if you are in a neurotic relationship

Ending a relationship that brings you only negativity is simple and difficult at the same time, Mikhail Labkovsky believes. How to get out of a neurotic relationship? They need to be picked up and completed. All. No alternatives.

If you understand that your joint existence causes you (or your "half") suffering, why continue? And since you began to ask such a question, you probably thought about a break. But how to get out of a neurotic relationship forever if you seem to still love this person? And is it worth it?

note that we are talking not about everyday differences of opinion, but about global ones. You either accept your loved one completely or not at all. And in the event that you do not accept him, or he you, but the relationship continues, it's time to send distress signals.

Mikhail Labkovsky quite rightly declares: we do not give up what we love. And, therefore, to a certain extent, we like our current state.

Yes, it sounds strange at first, but almost every one of us got into a relationship where we enjoyed suffering. Unrequited love, an attempt to reach out to a partner, an attempt to pull a partner up to you.

By the way, Labkovsky says not only about women, but also about men. Both are equally prone to get into neurotic relationships.

First you need to win - and not your partner, but yourself. After all, the fact that we are bogged down in such a relationship already speaks of our craving for suffering. And you can get rid of these self-torture only by giving yourself a chance for happiness.

How to get out of a neurotic relationship?

There are two ways out of a neurotic relationship: leave forever or leave as always. Leaving as usual, says Mikhail Labkovsky, means that in a day, a week, a month everything will start all over again. This is the essence of the nature of neuroticism - leaving and reconciliation will be the next round of the rollercoaster.

To stop “getting on your nerves”, you need to leave forever. And the sooner the better, since the conflict at the already serious stage of the relationship - marriage, joint children - can harm not only you.

So how do you get out of a difficult relationship without regret or looking back? The best way to do this is not to think about how to get out of a difficult relationship decisively, but simply to say goodbye once and for all. Without reproaches, without complaints, without giving hope for reconciliation. Because this is not a warning, but a mature decision.

The next logical step is to end the neurotic relationship with yourself. Realize that relationships in which painful feelings are present will bring only fleeting happiness. Yes, and the feeling of devastation will be in them more.

And for true happiness, you need to accept yourself, accept your loved one and enjoy the relationship. Without the need to fall into unhappiness in order to experience happiness later.

A lot has already been said about neurotic love, but the controversy around it still does not subside. Some cannot understand why their relationship is always like a powder keg, others have already understood everything, but they just can’t find the one with whom the wars will finally stop.

I propose to finally deal with neurotic relationships and learn how to turn them into healthy ones.

Is there any point in suffering?

Love with a big and bold minus sign is feelings for a person who will never be with you. Or to the person with whom you constantly swear. We can endlessly dig into the past and identify all the reasons why your personal life is developing this way. And we can start with practice and learn, finally, to live in love and harmony. To begin with, I must bring up one fact: there are indeed statistically few men in Russia.

I remember sitting in the same restaurant with friends. There were five or six of us, all males. A group of women sat down opposite: they were beautiful, obviously successful, plus or minus our age. All evening they shot in our direction with their eyes. And at some point one of them came up to us and said: “We are not asking you to get married right tomorrow. But can you come up and get to know each other? .. ".

For me, this is another illustration of the unpleasant circumstance that in our country there are really negligible representatives of the strong half compared to women. But at the same time, I remind you, my dears, that some of you spend the years alone, while others get married and everything is fine. See how our compatriots live in the realities of acute demographics.

Women are so afraid of being “overboard” that they agree to everything: those who do not suit them in bed, who are significantly lower in social status, those who allow themselves to insult or even raise their hands. And this list can be continued indefinitely.

It would seem that everything is clear here: the reason for neurotic relations in Russia is that there are simply not enough men for everyone. However, I remind you again: you probably have a girlfriend who long and meticulously chose her husband from an endless list of fans. And having chosen, she remained with him for many years. There are women who have everything in order with their personal lives even in our country. And they are perfectly happy.

Why? Because they chose the path of health. They knew how to send in time that admirer who, on the first date, dared to be rude to the bartender in front of them. They waved a hand at someone who just didn't want to get married. They quite fearlessly said goodbye to the one who scattered socks around the apartment.

Because the order in the house was a value for one particular woman, and she perfectly understood that this particular gentleman would not change and there was absolutely nothing to do with him. And these women did not necessarily “leave” a happy background: they, too, could have divorced parents and fathers who left for other families.

It’s just that such women once realized what exactly they want, and decided to adjust their lives to their own expectations. And you know what? They won.

To be a queen or to be happy?

Many people accuse me of advising women to immediately send men to the forest who do not suit them in trifles. Once, when I was walking with my daughter, a guy came up to me and said, they say, because of my book, his friends were abandoned by the brides, and now they all together want to clean my face.

But I absolutely do not urge you to behave in this way: download rights, issue ultimatums and make men dance to your tune. I'm suggesting something completely different: don't bend. Erase dry statistics from your head: if you want, you will not get into it. And look only for someone with whom you are really happy.

Yes, for one woman, the notorious socks are a big fat item, and she will not put up with him. And the other just throws her socks next to the men's. Just understand that your love life will consist of these socks, unanswered calls, pain, doubts, sometimes humiliation and rude words. But why do you need it? Once you choose yourself, you already become a more whole and healthy person.

The psychological axiom says: the prosperous choose the prosperous, the healthy choose the healthy. Only then do you really have a chance to meet the very prince on a horse that suits you and with whom you will really be happy. And yes, the first step to getting out of a neurotic relationship and never getting into one is to choose yourself.

Trust me, you won't regret it!

My method is to develop healthy reactions and life skills in a person with psychological problems with the help of six rules that regulate his behavior.

Here are the rules:
1. Do only what you want.
2. Do not do what you do not want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don't like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. Finding out the relationship, talk only about yourself.

How it works

Every person in childhood formed stereotypical reactions to repetitive stimuli. For example, if parents are constantly in conflict, talking in raised tones, the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since this happens all the time, the child is constantly in fear and depression. It grows, the behavior continues to be fixed year after year. Thus, a flawed psychology of an already adult person is formed, which is characterized by: lack of initiative, apathy, inability to take responsibility, realize oneself, and most importantly, inability to enjoy life. During this time, strong neural connections are created in the brain, the so-called reflex arc - nerve cells lined up in a certain way that make them react in a strictly defined, familiar way to any similar stimulus.

To help a person overcome fears, anxieties, insecurities, low self-esteem - this arc needs to be broken. And create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this "without the use of a lobotomy": with the help of ACTIONS that are unusual for a neurotic. When a person begins to act in a way that is not neurotic, and therefore uncharacteristic for himself, changes in his psyche occur at the biochemical level. Following new neural connections in the brain, new, previously unusual emotions arise: confidence, calmness, a sense of stability. And, as a result, the psychology of a person with high self-esteem, who loves himself, and, most importantly, who enjoys life, is gradually being formed.

Therefore, we must begin to act, to break our behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation, change is real. Without thinking, without reflecting, without referring to one's own (negative) experience. And in accordance with the rules of Mikhail Labkovsky.

January 25th, 2019 02:54 am

July 27th, 2018 09:02 am

July 17th, 2018 08:41 am

June 26th, 2018 09:05 pm

June 4th, 2018 , 11:28 am

May 30th, 2018 11:54 am

Eternally unhappy people who simply do not know how to be happy and enjoy life

Of course, there are also healthy people, but so far they are in the minority, especially if we talk about Eastern Europe. Because healthy people are born in prosperous families, where everyone loves each other and themselves, where no one yells at anyone or beats children. As children, they were picked up and kissed on the ass. And now they have a normal stable psyche.

In our latitudes, children are spanked, considering this, to put it mildly, a peculiar form of education. The way “he doesn’t understand otherwise, and I no longer have the strength” is a criminal offense all over the world. Ours is pedagogy. And here is the result - a mass of neurotics from childhood.

There is another common belief - you need to be strict with a child, otherwise a spoiled egoist will grow up. Here there is a substitution of concepts "to indulge" and "to love". We bought the most expensive toys for him, he is fashionably dressed, he gets everything he asks - this is pampering. A child from his parents needs to spend time with him, pay attention, talk. It is impossible to fall in love - to kiss, to pick up, this can never be too much. And to throw money and gifts - completely.

But the miracle did not happen, and a neurotic grew out of the child. Now his childish emotions require him to return to that childhood situation. Such people are always unhappy. Many, by the way, are generally convinced that happiness does not exist, that it is an invention, since they had no other life, they did not know other feelings. That's the tragedy.

In the morning we jump out of bed and run to the Internet - who died, what disasters happened

Neurotics derive a certain masochistic pleasure from their state. They have an almost narcotic need for suffering and find it in any situation. Alcoholics also get a conditional pleasure from vodka, but you can’t call them happy. They are in a deep depression, and the more they drink, the less euphoria and deeper depression. And it is important to rid neurotics of their pathological need for bad emotions, instilled from childhood.

I do not call now to blame parents for all their troubles. We lived in the Soviet Union, it took many years to survive, and not to live and think about happiness. Constant wars, revolutions, conflicts - there is no time for hedonism. In general, mental problems are directly related to employment. Our ancestors, I'm sure, did not even know mild depression, they constantly worked. Now life is different, we have free time, so fertile ground for problems has arisen.

An anxious psyche always requires confirmation of its anxiety. In the morning we jump out of bed and run to the Internet - who died, what disasters happened. Every tape starts with this, because it is “interesting”. The love of reading the news, which is considered a manifestation of an active attitude, is actually just another way to satisfy an unhealthy need to be confused. However, it is not normal to worry that an earthquake has happened somewhere, this is not about a subtle mental organization, but about a neurotic psyche. A healthy person should try to live for today. Especially in situations that are out of his control.

I myself was neurotic. Heavy, touchy, conflict, restless person. Actually, that's why I became a psychologist - I was interested in the problems that I encountered. With age, I began to work with myself, to recover, it took three or four years, but I continue to work. And here the main thing is not “above” yourself, but “with” yourself: first, accept yourself and everyone else as they are, and then help yourself become happier.

Can you do the same trick on yourself? In general, yes, but it will be difficult. In order to stop worrying about news and far-fetched reasons, to begin to enjoy life sincerely, you need to change the mental reactions formed in childhood. Remember the anecdote in which a naked man in the park opens his raincoat in front of a woman, she slaps her forehead - for sure, she forgot to buy eggs. These stereotypes were fixed in our heads for 30, 40, and even 70 years.

But don't despair, the world is changing. There is much less aggression in the lives of our children, and even more so of grandchildren, they are not yelled at, they are not beaten, they are interested in their opinion. People are becoming calmer, a whole generation of happy people is growing up. Ukraine is a Western-oriented country, you are also tuned in to these values, so everything will be fine. Not ideal, of course - there are enough psychos in the West. But still.

Mikhail Labkovsky will tell more about this and other topics at a public consultation meeting29th of October in Kyiv

Ecology of consumption. People: If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake it up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic when you understand how it works ...

90% of our worries are about what will never happen, Margaret Thatcher accurately calculated.

And Zhvanetsky suggested "Let's take the trouble as it comes", - and this is the most healthy and effective scheme.

Not to be afraid in advance, not to be upset later and mentally return, but just like that - as it comes.

But that's exactly how it doesn't work.

- Constantly worrying about something - here is our normal state. At the same time, what we know is that anxiety does not help, but greatly interferes with solving problems. But we don’t know what we’ll do if we stop freaking out and worrying, right? Some kind of emptiness is formed inside, where is it? This is the problem.

- Worries are fears without an address. They are most acute at dusk - a scientific fact. And now parents are worried about children, girls - because of boys, boys - because of money ... Some people think that this is how the world works. Nothing like this. This is how only the world of neurotics works, who every minute create hell in their heads.

- Anxious for no reason or for an insignificant reason - this is what it means to be neurotic. Most of them are in our country.

- How do mentally healthy people differ from neurotics? The fact that, of course, they are also nervous, but they experience real emotions that have real weighty reasons - these are specific events, stimuli in the outside world. Neurotics, on the other hand, continuously generate the causes of their irritation in themselves.

- For anxious people, life is just a series of problems, which need to be resolved and unrest, which must either be drowned out (with alcohol, for example), or realized (to the fullest), for example. So you look, and the day has passed.

- A neurotic always needs that fly in the ointment in any, the largest barrel of honey. Discomfort, frustration, anger, resentment - feelings with which they are accustomed, they are always at home with them. And what is characteristic, they themselves do not know how to enjoy life and do not give it to others.

- When the psyche is imprisoned for excitement, there will be no reason for it: an unwashed cup in the sink, the toilet seat not lowered, the dollar exchange rate, drunkards in the subway ... And off we go in the morning. After all, if a person has a need for constant experiences, he needs to rest against some kind of negativity in order to “calm down” and say to himself: “I’m not just worried, I’m worried about!”. Do you understand what a change is? At first you are afraid of everything and only then you find where to place your fear.

By the way, many, with all the desire and opportunity to live abroad, nevertheless remain in the country - we have something to get nervous about to our heart's content, and in old Europe there are no reasons for unrest to the usual level - and it's boring, and sad and all.

- Once try to stop and find out exactly: what are you nervous about? How adequate is your reaction to the existing stimuli? Or are you still neurotic and nervous, not because the child has the Unified State Examination, there is a crisis in the country, but at work there are layoffs, but solely because you cannot help but be nervous. As Sigmund said: “The scale of your personality is determined by the size of the problem that can piss you off.” So what is your scale?

- In addition, many in childhood form such a stable and life-threatening emotion as self-pity. I advise you to reflect on the topic - why do you feel sorry for yourself now? Are there serious reasons for self-pity? Why do you feel inferior, feel like a victim? Or maybe all this happens by inertia? Maybe it's better to try not to feel sorry for yourself, but to act to eliminate the causes of your disorders?

If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake things up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how it works, you will have a chance to move into the category of normal people and remember that anxieties, worries, fears, neurotic reactions do not allow you to develop, grow, realize oneself - neither in personal relationships, nor in work.

When I was at school, above the blackboard in our class there was a poster with Lenin's statement: "We will go the other way!" So for centuries we have been following some other path, perpendicular to the whole world. And this posture, and this huge resentment against the whole world, which allegedly took up arms against us, and this aggression as a result of resentment - all these are factors that seriously affect the psyche of an entire nation, an entire country. “Be vigilant - the enemy is not asleep”, “Chatterbox is a godsend for a spy”, “Have you passed the TRP standards?” Where is it to relax?

Also interesting:

- The origins of anxiety as a way of life are again and always in childhood, in the fears of parents and, of course, in genetics. Our grandmothers, great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, and I suspect all this goes back centuries - they were forced to live with caution and certainly none of them lived as they wanted. Therefore, for us, this lifestyle is not natural. But someone has to start... published