How to stop bad relationship with mother How to resolve a protracted conflict between mother and adult daughter? Questions often asked by psychologists.

How to behave when there is a conflict, a bad relationship with your mother?

My problem is this: my parents divorced when I was 2 years old. The father left the family. Since childhood, I hear that he is a bastard and all that. My mother accuses me of being like him and a bastard like him. I no longer have the strength to listen to this, I practically did not communicate with her for several years, but this does not save her, she finds ways to get me and reproach my father for all the sins. Tell me, why is it my fault that I was born? I am 38 years old, I have an adult child, and I do not know how to behave with my own mother. This is bothering me, please help me figure it out. Thank you in advance. Tatiana.

Bad relationship, conflict between mother and adult daughter - what to do?

Questions: "What to do with a bad relationship with the mother and how to eliminate the conflict with the mother?" - ambiguous - therefore, the best option is to ask them in a dialogue, correspondence with a psychologist. , or

In the course of his professional activity, the teacher, in addition to his immediate duties related to the education and upbringing of the younger generation, has to communicate with colleagues, students, and their parents.

It is hardly possible to do without conflict situations in daily interaction. And is it necessary? After all, having correctly resolved a tense moment, it is easy to achieve good constructive results, bring people together, help them understand each other, and make progress in educational aspects.

Definition of conflict. Destructive and constructive ways to resolve conflict situations

What is conflict? The definitions of this concept can be divided into two groups. In the public mind, conflict is most often a synonym for hostile, negative confrontation between people due to the incompatibility of interests, norms of behavior, and goals.

But there is another understanding of the conflict as an absolutely natural phenomenon in the life of society, which does not necessarily lead to negative consequences. On the contrary, when choosing the right channel for its flow, it is an important component of the development of society.

Depending on the results of conflict resolution, they can be designated as destructive or constructive. Bottom line destructive collision is the dissatisfaction of one or both parties with the result of the collision, the destruction of relations, resentment, misunderstanding.

Constructive is a conflict, the solution of which became useful for the parties who took part in it, if they built, acquired something valuable for themselves in it, were satisfied with its result.

Variety of school conflicts. Causes and solutions

Conflict in school is a multifaceted phenomenon. When communicating with participants in school life, the teacher also has to be a psychologist. The following "debriefing" of collisions with each group of participants can become a "cheat sheet" for the teacher in exams on the subject "School conflict".

Student-student conflict

Disagreements between children are a common occurrence, including in school life. In this case, the teacher is not a conflicting party, but sometimes it is necessary to take part in a dispute between students.

Causes of conflicts between students

• struggle for authority
• rivalry
• deceit, gossip
• insults
• resentment
• hostility towards the teacher's favorite students
• personal dislike for a person
• affection without reciprocity
• fight for a girl (boy)

Ways to resolve conflicts between students

How to constructively resolve such disagreements? Very often, children can resolve the conflict situation on their own, without the help of an adult. If intervention by the teacher is necessary, it is important to do so in a calm manner. It is better to do without pressure on the child, without public apologies, limiting himself to a hint. It is better if the student himself finds an algorithm for solving this problem. Constructive conflict will add social skills to the child's experience that will help him communicate with peers, teach him how to solve problems, which will be useful to him in adulthood.

After resolving the conflict situation, the dialogue between the teacher and the child is important. It is good to call a student by name, it is important that he feels an atmosphere of trust and goodwill. You can say something like: “Dima, conflict is not a reason to worry. There will be many more such disagreements in your life, and that's not a bad thing. It is important to solve it correctly, without mutual reproaches and insults, to draw conclusions, to correct some mistakes. Such a conflict would be beneficial."

The child often quarrels and shows aggression if he does not have friends and hobbies. In this case, the teacher can try to remedy the situation by talking to the student's parents, recommending that the child be enrolled in a circle or sports section, according to his interests. A new activity will not leave time for intrigue and gossip, it will give you an interesting and useful pastime, new acquaintances.

Conflict "Teacher - parent of the student"

Such conflict actions can be provoked by both the teacher and the parent. Dissatisfaction can be mutual.

Causes of conflict between teacher and parents

• different ideas of the parties about the means of education
• dissatisfaction of the parent with the teaching methods of the teacher
• personal animosity
• the parent's opinion about the unreasonable underestimation of the child's grades

Ways to resolve conflict with the student's parents

How can one constructively resolve such grievances and break the stumbling blocks? When a conflict situation arises at school, it is important to understand it calmly, realistically, without distortion, look at things. Usually, everything happens in a different way: the conflicting person closes his eyes to his own mistakes, while simultaneously looking for them in the opponent's behavior.

When the situation is soberly assessed and the problem is outlined, it is easier for the teacher to find the true cause, evaluate the correctness of the actions of both parties, and chart the path to a constructive resolution of an unpleasant moment.

The next step on the path to agreement will be an open dialogue between the teacher and the parent, where the parties are equal. The analysis of the situation will help the teacher express his thoughts and ideas about the problem to the parent, show understanding, clarify the common goal, and together find a way out of the current situation.

After the conflict is resolved, the conclusions drawn about what was done wrong and how to act so that a tense moment does not come will help prevent similar situations in the future.

Example

Anton is a self-confident high school student who does not have outstanding abilities. Relations with the guys in the class are cool, there are no school friends.

At home, the boy characterizes the guys from the negative side, pointing out their shortcomings, fictitious or exaggerated, shows dissatisfaction with teachers, notes that many teachers underestimate his grades.

Mom unconditionally believes her son, assents to him, which further spoils the boy's relationship with classmates, causes negativity towards teachers.

The conflict erupts when a parent comes to school in anger and complains about teachers and school administration. No persuasion or persuasion has a cooling effect on her. The conflict does not stop until the child finishes school. Obviously, this situation is destructive.

What could be a constructive approach to solving an urgent problem?

Using the above recommendations, we can assume that Anton's class teacher could analyze the current situation something like this: “Anton provoked the conflict between the mother and the school teachers. This speaks of the boy's inner dissatisfaction with his relationship with the guys in the class. The mother added fuel to the fire by not understanding the situation, increasing her son's hostility and distrust towards the people around him at school. What caused the return, which was expressed by the cool attitude of the guys towards Anton.

The common goal of parent and teacher could be the desire to rally Anton's relationship with the class.

A good result can be given by the teacher's dialogue with Anton and his mother, which would show the desire of the class teacher to help the boy. It is important that Anton wants to change himself. It is good to talk with the guys in the class so that they reconsider their attitude towards the boy, entrust them with joint responsible work, and organize extra-curricular activities that contribute to the rallying of the guys.

Conflict "Teacher - student"

Such conflicts are perhaps the most frequent, because students and teachers spend almost less time together than parents with children.

Causes of conflict between teacher and students

• lack of unity in the demands of teachers
• excessive demands on the student
• inconsistency of the teacher's demands
• non-compliance by the teacher
• the student feels underestimated
• the teacher cannot accept the shortcomings of the student
• personal qualities of the teacher or student (irritability, helplessness, rudeness)

Conflict resolution between teacher and student

It is better to defuse a tense situation without bringing it to conflict. To do this, you can use some psychological techniques.

A natural reaction to irritability and raising the voice are similar actions.. The consequence of a conversation in raised tones will be an aggravation of the conflict. Therefore, the correct action on the part of the teacher will be a calm, friendly, confident tone in response to the violent reaction of the student. Soon the child will be “infected” with the calmness of the teacher.

Dissatisfaction and irritability most often come from lagging behind students who dishonestly perform school duties. You can inspire a student to succeed in his studies and help him forget his discontents by entrusting him with a responsible task and expressing confidence that he will do it well.

A friendly and fair attitude towards students will be the key to a healthy atmosphere in the classroom, and will make it easy to implement the proposed recommendations.

It is worth noting that in the dialogue between the teacher and the student, it is important to take into account certain things. It is worth preparing for it in advance in order to know what to say to the child. How to say - a component no less important. A calm tone and the absence of negative emotions are what you need to get a good result. And the commanding tone that teachers often use, reproaches and threats, is better to forget. You need to be able to listen and hear the child.

If punishment is necessary, it is worth considering it in such a way as to exclude the humiliation of the student, a change in attitude towards him.

Example

A sixth grade student, Oksana, does poorly in her studies, is irritable and rude in her communication with the teacher. At one of the lessons, the girl prevented other children from completing assignments, threw papers at the children, and did not react to the teacher even after several remarks addressed to her. Oksana didn't respond to the teacher's request to leave the class either, remaining seated. The teacher's irritation led him to the decision to stop teaching, and after the bell to leave the whole class after the lessons. This, of course, led to the discontent of the guys.

Such a solution to the conflict led to destructive changes in the mutual understanding of the student and the teacher.

A constructive solution to the problem could look like this. After Oksana ignored the teacher’s request to stop interfering with the children, the teacher could get out of the situation by laughing it off, saying something with an ironic smile to the girl, for example: “Oksana ate little porridge today, her throw range and accuracy suffer, the last piece of paper never reached the addressee. After that, calmly continue to lead the lesson further.

After the lesson, you could try to talk to the girl, show her your benevolent attitude, understanding, desire to help. It's a good idea to talk to the girl's parents to find out the possible reason for this behavior. Paying more attention to the girl, trusting responsible assignments, assisting in completing tasks, encouraging her actions with praise - all this would be useful in the process of bringing the conflict to a constructive outcome.

A single algorithm for resolving any school conflict

Having studied the above recommendations for each of the conflicts at school, one can trace the similarity of their constructive resolution. Let's designate it again.

• The first thing that will be helpful when the problem is ripe is calmness.
• The second point is the analysis of the situation without vicissitudes.
• The third important point is open dialogue between the conflicting parties, the ability to listen to the interlocutor, to calmly state one's view on the problem of the conflict.
• The fourth thing that will help to come to the desired constructive result is identification of a common goal, ways of solving the problem, allowing to come to this goal.
• The last, fifth point will be conclusions, which will help to avoid communication and interaction errors in the future.

So what is conflict? Good or evil? The answers to these questions lie in the way you deal with stressful situations. The absence of conflicts at school is an almost impossible phenomenon.. And they still need to be addressed. A constructive decision brings with it trusting relationships and peace in the classroom, a destructive one accumulates resentment and irritation. Stopping and thinking at the moment when irritation and anger surged is an important point in choosing your own way of resolving conflict situations.

A photo: Ekaterina Afanasicheva.

Why do they arise and continue conflicts between parents and adult children; what are the true causes of confrontation and confrontation between close and dearest people; what needs to be done to solve - we will try to answer these and other questions in this article.

Causes of conflict between parents and adult children

The problem of fathers and children is eternal, but in modern society it can be solved by understanding and realizing causes of conflict between parents and adult children and learning how to conduct a constructive dialogue to build relationships.

In order to understand and understand the causes of conflict situations in relationships between parents and adult children, you need to go back to the past and take a look at how parent-child relationships were built; what mistakes were made in raising a child when programming a life scenario, the future of a son or daughter; what styles of family education were used; whether punishments and rewards for children were used correctly by parents, and most importantly: did the parents love their child, or only regretted it, treating him as a helpless victim, because of which, already from an early age, a psychological game according to the Karpman triangle could form, which, perhaps, continues to this day, already in relationships between parents and adult children leading to constant conflicts, confrontations and confrontations.

After that, you can establish good, conflict-free relations between parents and adult children.

Who is to blame for the conflict between parents and adult children

In any confrontations and confrontations, including conflicts between parents and adult children, each side tries to blame its opponent for the relationship problem: the parent blames the grown-up child for dislike and disrespect; adult children blame their parents for everything ... the situation is a dead end, often repeated and leading to nothing good.

First of all, each of the participants in a dispute or conflict, including wise (as it seems to them) life experience, parents who are impeccable and unmistakable in their views and judgments, and adult children with their modern views on life and the world as a whole, need to look for the source of the problem in relationship in itself, and not in the opposing, conflicting side.

Parents need to understand that adult children, son or daughter, are independent and unique individuals who do not have to live and act in accordance with parental desires, expectations and needs.

Adult children, of course, should respect and honor their parents, but should not expect them to understand modern views, life values ​​and priorities ... each generation, and indeed, each person, has his own worldview and understanding of himself, other people and the world in in general.

Both parents and adult children, understanding and feeling not only themselves, their desires and needs, but also another person, no matter whether he is a parent or a child biologically, excluding any hint of egocentrism and youthful maximalism, will be able to achieve instead of empty, destructive competition in interpersonal relationships , constructive dialogue and cooperation, mutual understanding and mutual assistance.

It is necessary to destroy, along with the negative game, the stereotype of constant conflicts, confrontations and problems in the relationship between parents and children, the stereotype of "Fathers and Sons".

For starters, you can understand the rules of behavior in conflict situations, including, conflicts between children and parents.

How to solve relationship problems between parents and children

To solve relationship problems between parents and children, resolve the conflict situation and establish good relations on the basis of cooperation and constructive interaction, it is necessary to convene a "family council" ("round table") and start an adult, business and constructive dialogue on an equal footing.

Those. Parents need to “turn off” their mentoring, mentoring, overprotective and patronizing attitude towards their adult children. And the last, stop treating parents as obsolete, not understanding anything in modern times, with preconceived views on life of the ancestors.

Of course, at first, in building relationships and conducting a constructive dialogue, you may need the help of a psychologist, or another intermediary authoritative for both parties.

However, if the participants of the "round table" have rather mature personalities, then they can try to come to a common denominator and cooperation in the relationship between adult children and parents without an intermediary.

The main thing is that: both parents and adult children have a desire for close, friendly and respectful relationships with each other; to live without conflict and rivalry, but by cooperating and helping each other.

Your interpersonal, conflict-free relationships are in your hands...

HOW TO AVOID CONFLICT WITH PARENTS?

You gain experience and build your behavior as adults. This is not always realized by the parents who protect, control you, consider you still children. Then you begin to resist the previously fulfilled requirements, more actively defend your rights to independence, react painfully to real or apparent infringements of your rights, and try to limit the claims of adults in relation to yourself.

In turn, faced with manifestations of laziness, dishonesty, low motivation to continue education, parents are disappointed, and a “streak of conflicts” begins. The conflict also arises on the basis of the assertion of your “adulthood”: you begin to stay up late, dress differently, and often break into rudeness. To master a new system of relations, understanding and patience on both sides is important. Thus, identifying problems associated with emerging conflicts is very important for parents and for you.

Causes that encourage parents to come into conflict with children	Causes of conflict between teenagers and parents
Power struggle and parental authority	Opposition to this power
Confirmation of hopes and expectations	Demand for independence
Unwillingness to recognize your independence and "adulthood"	Low academic performance
disbelief in your strength	Self-assertion in the eyes of peers, authoritative people
Frequent fights between parents	A son or daughter supports one of the parents.

Some psychologists tend to believe that anger, which is the instigator of conflicts, needs to be “released” outward, expressed to each other in verbal form. They argue that from a physiological point of view it is harmful to repress, to try to hold back any strong feeling or experience. If a person drives deep into the feeling of anger, it may be unsafe for the human psyche. However (and this is even stated in one of the biblical commandments), one should not rush into its manifestation.

We offer ways to suppress anger, emerging aggression:

· Explain the essence and causes of your negative emotions to a third party known for his ability to understand other people, that is, someone who could give you advice and correct your actions.

· Treat the person who irritated you with their behavior with understanding. Try to put yourself in his place and feel his feelings.

· Try to understand the motive behind the person's behavior.

· It's difficult, but try to respond with kindness to someone showing hostility.

Conflict can be both creative and destructive. If the conflict is resolved incorrectly, hostility towards each other arises, the psyche is injured, the merits are hushed up and the shortcomings of its participants are exaggerated. As a result, the conflict can cause serious psychological trauma. It can stay with a person for life and even change it for the worse.

Beware of hurting with a word, humiliating, offending, not understanding. Be more courageous and wiser. Be able to put yourself in the shoes of your parents and understand what they are going through now, during the conflict with you. Of great importance for the normal resolution of the conflict is your ability to listen carefully to them.

TECHNIQUES FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING IN CONFLICT

· Give parents a chance to speak.

· Focus on what they are saying, do not interfere with their speech with your remarks.

· Don't get distracted, conquer what prevents you from concentrating.

· Show your parents that you understand them.

· try to figure out with them what needs to be done. It is better if these are “step by step” actions (first, second, etc.).

We have seen that your conflicts with your parents may have causes, many of which are predictable. For example, you know for sure that you will upset your parents if you arrive late. But there is nothing easier than calling. So do it! Pay attention to your way of communicating. Maybe you should work on it so that it does not become a reason for parental anger or irritation. Conflict also arises when a demand on you is unfair or impossible to fulfill. So try to negotiate! Do you think that in life everyone will only do what to agree with you and assent?

We are sure that your love for your parents and the new knowledge that you have received today on conflict resolution will be enough to resist the temptation to be rude, quarrel, slam the door.

The cause of misunderstanding between the older and younger generations can be any trifle, but sometimes serious circumstances arise. In any case, it is necessary to correctly assess the situation, convey your position to the opposite side, and listen to their arguments.

Why do parents get into conflict?

Most relationship problems stem from inhibitions. The older generation limits the younger in desires, actions and means. Having more experience, they understand that the actions of young people are not promising, not real, or even dangerous to life and health. Of course, both sides can make mistakes, but you need to understand that experience is a lot.

If parents do not agree to something, you need to analyze why this is happening. It may seem that they are doing this out of spite, but in fact there are more compelling reasons. For example, they understand that some actions are dangerous. Sometimes they realize that they will spend their energy, money, but they won’t be able to achieve something, and sometimes they foresee trouble. Imagine yourself in their place, analyze what guides them. Find out what fears or limitations are pushing them into conflict.

You can ask mom and dad to explain to you the reason for their displeasure, but be prepared to listen to them calmly, and not go over to shouting or resentment. Usually they are ready to provide a detailed answer, but not every child can hear and understand it. But it is this knowledge that helps to come to a compromise.

How to resolve conflict

The very first and most effective way to resolve conflict is to admit that you were wrong. Even if you don't think so, say it out loud anyway. Sometimes it will even be appropriate to apologize if you have said too much before. Such actions will force adults to listen to your arguments. And start explaining to them with reason what you want, why you don’t fulfill their requirements, and what results you expect. If the conflict is due to lack of cleaning, then you simply cannot find reasons that will justify you, and having recognized it, you will have to keep order. If you want to go somewhere, but they don’t let you go, you will need to tell what kind of trip, with whom it is, which guarantees your safety.

Since you know the claims of the parents, you heard them, all your words will be aimed at reducing their excitement, reducing anxiety. Find an excuse for all their fears. Be persuasive and don't raise your voice. Talk about how the solution to this issue affects your self-esteem, success in life, relationships with friends. But do not put pressure on pity, but state the facts.

Calm and reasonable conversation is a sign of adult communication. Parents will see that you are capable of such communication, that you can be responsible for your words, that you control behavior, and this will help resolve the issue.