Inner child: how to work with him

Content

1. Comes from childhood
2. Happy or unhappy?
3. A little about internal parents
4. Two sides of the same coin
5. How to achieve harmony with yourself?
6. Don't be afraid to connect with your inner child!

Comes from childhood

The first experience a person receives in the prenatal period. Scientists have proved that the well-being of the expectant mother, her mood are the first "bricks" from which the child's psyche is built. Every day after his birth, he brings images, needs, behavioral attitudes into his life “piggy bank”. This part of the psyche, which psychologists call the inner child, does not disappear anywhere: until a certain time, it may not manifest itself in any way.

From time to time, each person faces his own life experience. Those who have established contact with the inner child, who know how to work with him, live easier, achieve more, are less prone to depressive states. But, alas, not many succeed.

Happy or unhappy?

The inner child is a multifaceted concept that combines the potential of the individual, his vitality, balance. It is this part of the soul that forms creative natures, helps to overcome life's obstacles, and is responsible for a sincere, positive attitude towards the world. It is important for a child to be accepted, understood, not compared with someone else and satisfy his needs - this is where the path of the Personality to self-knowledge begins.

Criticism is a bad help in the educational process. It is justified only if it is supported by arguments, and is not limited to the abstract “you are wrong” and “this is not right”. The child must understand why this is good, and that is bad, to see the roots of his actions and their possible consequences. Constant baseless criticism contributes to the formation of a negative image, which many try to renounce even in childhood. A person artificially creates a false "I", ceases to hear himself. How to talk to the inner child if the connection with the present self is completely lost?

A little about inner parenting

And they live in us too! Many phrases the child perceives as powerful statements that form a model of behavior in the future. Often, inner parents only serve as critics. This manifests itself in invisible dialogues with oneself, when in response to attempts to justify oneself, to praise, to regret, the phrases familiar from childhood are knocked out like a hammer: “You are doing everything wrong”, “You are not succeeding”. Inner parents and children who have realized themselves in a new status become enemies and, as a result, stop communicating. This often carries over into real life.

Two sides of the same coin

In each of us lives a happy inner child who is surrounded by love, feels safe, experiences creative impulses, sincerely admires the world around him. But there is also a traumatized inner child who lacks protection, comfort, approval.

Negativity, framed by self-doubt, often becomes a decisive factor in choosing a profession or life partner. People who are "leading" unhappy children rarely achieve success in school and work. Further - a vicious circle: failures exacerbate problems, and those confirm the status of a loser ...

A simple example. The head of the company receives a calm, correct remark to his subordinates. One employee calmly agrees and takes note of what has been said. In another person, it causes a wave of aggression. Everyone took out of his life "baggage" what was there ...

How to achieve harmony with yourself?

Many are sure that a person is the blacksmith of his own happiness, you need to boldly move forward, leaving memories in the past. But life shows: the “forced” closing of the doors to childhood only exacerbates the problems. It helps for a while, but sooner or later, echoes from the past will remind you of themselves.

How to work with the inner unhappy child? Is it possible to stop the mechanism of self-destruction and "program" yourself for success? First you need to try to talk to yourself in a calm state. Sit in your favorite chair, take a break from everyday affairs and imagine the inner child living in you. And now "chat" with him:

1. Listen to his feelings and describe them.
2. Try to remember the "age" of the experiences.
3. Try to see what the child looks like, where he is, who surrounds him.
4. How does he respond to questions? Is he lonely and scared? Find words of comfort.
5. Tell him how you feel, offer to help.
6. How does the child behave around the inner parent?

Don't be afraid to connect with your inner child!

And best of all - in front of a mirror. Talk to your inner child regularly. Let him talk about his experiences, cry out: over the years, the emotional “piggy bank” has become heavier and does not allow him to confidently move on.

Arrange a holiday for the "baby", supplement it with balloons, goodies. Do not skimp on the words that you yourself dreamed of hearing as a child. Every day tell your inner child that he is the most beautiful, kind, beloved. How to quickly expect changes in life? Not before you become best friends with your inner child...

Have you ever reacted to a situation “on the machine”, and then wonder how this could happen?
Why are you, suddenly, for no reason, offended, angry or crying.

The fact is that sometimes it is not we, adults, who react to certain events, but our inner child.

If you have already worked through the topic of the inner child, then most likely you know that this topic pops up again from time to time. At that moment, you, like me, probably think something like this: “How much can you! I've been working on this for so long!"

The inner child reminds of itself again and again.

The whole secret is that we have not one inner child, but many of them, and even of different ages! There are as many of them as traumatic situations happened to us in childhood, situations that made an impression, had a strong influence on us, little ones. These situations are imprinted in the subconscious, and every time we find ourselves in similar conditions now, at that moment a certain child of a certain age reacts in us, with whom something similar happened.

The study of the theme of the inner child begins very strongly when your own children appear. Have you noticed that you react very sharply to certain actions of your children?
For a long time I could not understand why I was so annoyed by the whining of my son when he was five years old. It just brought me to white heat.

This happened until I understood what my inner girl was saying in me, the same age as my son.

When I started talking to her, she was very offended: “Why, why, he can cry, but I can’t!”

I was just over 2.5 years old when my little sister was born. From that moment I became big. Everyone around told me about this: “You are already big! Walk on your own, little sister is in a wheelchair!” I still remember that feeling of insane fatigue, on the verge of hysteria, which drives you crazy, and you can’t do anything about it.

Apparently, then I decided that, since I'm big, I shouldn't cry.

And so, every time my son cried, I began to tell him irritably: "Don't cry!"

He tried to hold back his tears, but he couldn't do it: "Mom, I can't stop crying!"

And that pissed me off even more. And everything was aggravated by a feeling of guilt and a pulsating thought in my head: “I am a terrible mother!”
He tried so hard not to upset his beloved mother, but he could not because he was still small. And I could not do anything with this boiling anger inside.

It was a shock for me when I realized that at that moment I was talking in me, a little one, forbidding myself to cry.
As an adult, I almost never cried, I did not allow myself to do this!
Then I allowed myself, a little one, to cry.

And she also sat her son in front of her, took him by the hands and said: “You can cry whenever you want, I allow you!”
You know, I was very surprised by his reaction. He looked into my eyes for a long time, and then, silently, nodded. I cannot express in words what was in the look of my five-year-old boy. Such a deep understanding of what happened, the wisdom of all generations.
And I allowed myself to cry too! And how good and sweet I now cry when I want it! I allowed myself to cry and realized how resourceful this condition is for a woman. It cleanses and brings relief. After tears, you feel calm, clean and renewed. From unnecessary emotions, tension, bad thoughts, mental pain. This state is like the sun after the rain, when everything around shines with freshness.

Since then, I have been calm about when my baby cries. And I can respond to these tears adequately, like an adult.

Algorithm for working with the inner child

1. In a calm environment, in a quiet place where no one will disturb you, sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes and take a few slow deep breaths in and out.

2. Think about this situation.

3. Imagine your inner girl in front of you. What age is she? What is she? Her mood, emotions: frightened, angry, offended, or maybe crying?

4. Ask her to tell you what is bothering her. Listen carefully. Maybe some episode from your childhood pops up in your memory.

5. After she finishes her story, be sure to say: “You are small, and I am big! Don't worry, I'll take care of everything!" If necessary, repeat these phrases several times.

6. Hug her, give her your love

7. See how the inner girl has changed. Maybe she smiled and stopped crying, clapped her hands, started dancing? Maybe she asked you to play with her? Or maybe now you want to tell her what she will become when she grows up big? Tell her about what your life has become, how many wonderful things have happened to you, what successes you have achieved, what you have become! Give her this sense of security and confidence that everything is fine. Say that you are always there, and you can handle everything.

Just follow your intuition! The right words will come by themselves, and you will understand what to do next.

8. Then say goodbye to her. Tell her that she can always talk to you when she needs to, and that you love her very much.
9. Come back.

I wrote in great detail.
In short, the formula is:
they introduced the inner child - they asked what was bothering them - they listened - they said the right words and gave their love. All!

I wish you to be in harmony with your inner child!
How relevant is this topic to you?

Be sure to tell us how your encounter with your inner child went! Deal?)))

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A PHOTO Getty Images

A storm of emotions caused by a seemingly innocent remark, a sharp and persistent feeling of sadness that cannot be explained by events or circumstances, an all-consuming need for recognition or protection ... All these are manifestations of our inner child - that part of us that has not matured and which expresses its needs all the more insistently, the less it was listened to in the past.

The concept of our inner child is familiar to anyone interested in personal development, but for others it remains nebulous and even mysterious. “This child has a psychic reality,” explains psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati. 1 - He embodies the foundations of our being, everything that has not been erased from our childhood - fears, traumas, anger, joys and desires.

“When our inner child is in its proper place, and its needs are met, we begin to act on our desires”

The psychoanalyst draws an analogy between what the inner child means to us and the impact the first pages of the book of our lives have on us: we do not remember the time when these pages were written, but they are imprinted with such force on us that they continue in us to act. “Awareness of the existence of the inner child helps to live in such a way that you are more of an actor and speaker and less of an object through which others speak and act,” explains coach Geneviève Caillou. 2 - When this child takes power over us, we are driven by the need to be loved, recognized, hugged, listened to. When he takes his rightful place, when his needs are listened to and satisfied, we act according to our desires, we have the opportunity to make choices, to enter into relationships from subject to subject. From the point of view of inner freedom and mental well-being, this is a fundamental difference.

When we listen to and understand our inner child and thereby become a good parent to him, it completely changes our relationship with ourselves and others. Clamps disappear, fear, shame and anger can be recognized, listened to and "put in place." The adult in us begins to think more clearly and becomes more free. Then he can deal better with himself and with others.

Instruction

Make yourself comfortable in a quiet place where no one can disturb you. Imagine that next to you is the child that you once were, and establish contact with him. Ask him to find out how to take care of him.

Choose one of these four patterns

Cheerful child

• What makes you laugh and cheer? (Let an incident from your childhood come to mind.)
• What usually makes you the most happy?
• Are you happy often?
• If this is not so, then what prevents you from rejoicing more often?

Discover Your Sources of Joy Today: what gives you physical and mental pleasure (alone or in relationships, with what people, under what circumstances, under what conditions...).

Try to appreciate them more(taking "freeze-frames" to fully experience them). If you feel that there are too few of them, try to create moments of joy, instead of waiting for them to appear in your life. Notice and replay those moments of intense emotion when you feel joyful, calm, and collected.

frightened child

Questions for your inner child

• What is it that scares you so much? (Let an incident from your childhood come to mind.)
• What usually scares you? Are you often afraid? What do your parents, teachers, friends do with your fear?
• Are you comforted? If not, how would you like to be comforted and encouraged?

How to be a good parent to yourself

First, accept your fear. without shame and guilt, without trying to minimize or reject it. You can say out loud to yourself, "I'm afraid."

Breathe in and out through your nose as long as you can.

Understand the nature of your fear(fleeting, constant, vague, concrete...). It can be a phobia (fear of flying), an anxiety that generates negative scenarios (fear of failure, fear of being abandoned...) or a reaction to a sense of threat (riding the subway alone at one in the morning).

Get back to the reality of the here and now. If your fear is the result of projections, remember that emotions are the result of thoughts, which in turn are the result of beliefs.

Crying baby

Questions for your inner child

• Why are you crying? (Let an incident from your childhood come to mind.)
• What usually makes you sad the most?
• Are you sad often?
• What do your parents, teachers, friends do with your sadness?
• Are you comforted? If not, how would you like to be comforted?

How to be a good parent to yourself

First of all, accept what you are experiencing. in this moment, accept that this emotion is present, sharp and painful. You can say out loud to yourself, "I'm sad."

Try to find its cause as accurately as possible.

Look for what could make this emotion less intense, less long, less frequent (talk to a loved one about it, change the situation or relationship that is causing the sadness; consider therapy if you feel the cause of the unhappiness is deep and old).

Support yourself, comfort yourself Take pleasure in taking care of yourself the way you would take care of your best friend.

Angry child

Questions for your inner child

• What makes you so angry? (Let an incident from your childhood come to mind.)
• What usually makes you angry? Are you angry often?
• What do your parents, your teachers, your friends do with your anger? Are you comforted? If not, how would you like to be calmed and "cooled"?

How to be a good parent to yourself

First of all, accept the emotion that you are experiencing at the moment, accept that it is there, poignant and painful. You can say to yourself out loud: "I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm furious."

Breathe deeply to relieve stress: inhale and exhale through the nose and as long as possible.

Find what caused your anger(unfair criticism); figure out what particularly hurt you (“I had a feeling that I was devalued”); ask yourself if your emotion was justified but excessive, or justified and commensurate with the occasion.

To make anger your ally start by not jumping into conflict-prone conversations right away so you can calm yourself down with breathing and relaxation techniques. Then calmly consider how to reduce or negate the factors that provoke your anger.

2 Personal and organizational development specialist. Co-author of the book Understanding Self and Others (L’Intelligence de soi et de l’autre, InterÉditions, 2014).

In each of us there is an emotional, irrational part, which is called the "Inner Child".

The "inner child" is an emotional and behavioral experience that we carry with us from childhood.

Have you ever been in emotionally neutral situations when incomprehensible strong and irrational feelings suddenly came to life inside?

For example, fears, self-doubt, anger, jealousy, or you suddenly just start crying.

At such moments, from the depths of your "I" comes the voice of the Inner Child.
And this voice - whether we realize it or not - resounds daily in our Everyday life:

• "I want to be the best"
• "He leaves me alone"
• "I need to defend myself to survive."

As a result, already in adulthood, we cannot recognize the achievements of other people or are afraid to enter into relationships because of fear of rejection, or we react to a person from the present in the same way as we would react to someone from childhood.

As children, we encounter various traumatic situations. For example, a child whose parents are divorced may not express their feelings openly. He seems to conserve and archive them for many years. And after many years, he becomes very attached to his partner and experiences a strong fear of losing him. As strong as when he lost one of his parents. We can say that here, in this fear, the voice of the Inner Child sounds.

And there are two options here.

1. to hear this voice, this fear and this pain of rejection and process these feelings. This is a long and sometimes painful process - but it leads to greater integrity, harmony and fullness of our lives. On this path, you stop being a prisoner of the past and open the doors to the present moment of your life.
2. There is another option - to remain deaf to your own feelings and fears. But then you remain deaf to yourself - your needs and desires. There is a chance that in this case you will, one way or another, unconsciously reproduce the traumatic situation and experience these feelings again and again in real time.

K.G. Jung has a wonderful expression about this:

Depression is like a lady in black. If she comes, do not drive her away, but invite her to the table as a guest, and listen to what she intends to say.

The voice you hear inside of you (emotions, obsessive thoughts, behavioral patterns, dreams) tells you a lot about what you really want and who you really are. The main thing is to learn to hear this voice, to accept and understand it.

How to find this voice in yourself. Try to imagine it in your imagination. Try to draw it. What does he look like? What does he feel? Is he cheerful? Scared? Angry? Crying? He ashamed? Jealous? What would he like to tell adults? What does he want to hear? What does he dream and fantasize about? Is there someone next to him? Someone to protect him or comfort him.

Try to remember your childhood - what did you want? What did you dream about? Have these dreams come true? Try to fantasize about it, just follow your fantasies. Where are they taking you? Perhaps over time you will begin to better understand your deepest needs and how they are embodied in your adult life.

Connecting with the Inner Child is not always easy.. It can be very difficult to discern this inner voice. Most often, it comes to us in the form of emotions - crying, fear, anxiety, resentment. And at first it seems that these emotions are simply never-ending. And this is natural - they have been hiding inside you for years and decades. But if you have patience and listen, wait, try to understand - one day you will hear what your Inner Child is really crying about.

And over time, the Inner Child will stop drowning in their emotions, survive and integrate them. Over time, he will overcome his fears, leave them behind and go out into a new world.

You wouldn't expect a real baby to tell you exactly why he's crying, would you? I think you will just give him space to experience these feelings and integrate them. Then, when the emotions subside, he will find a way to tell you about what is happening to him and what he is going through. The main thing is to remain an attentive listener to your inner voice. Maybe you should do something similar with your Inner Child?

How can I take care of the "Inner Child"?

• Be patient. This is not a one-time activity, it is a process that can take quite a long time.
• Try to embrace these feelings. Sometimes they are very much in conflict with ideas about themselves. An adult, independent, woman who is used to controlling everything suddenly begins to feel her dependence on a man. These feelings are completely unacceptable to her rational part. But, at the same time, these are her emotions, desires and needs. And they are very natural for her emotional part. What your Inner Child feels is your feelings; it is part of you.
• Try to trust this voice. Try to follow the needs that this voice tells you. What does he ask of you? Try to take care of yourself the way you would take care of a real child.
• Consider going into therapy if you feel that the cause of the problem is deep and long-standing.

Remember that psychological trauma is an episode of life, not a sentence.

Book of a beginner egoist. System "Genetics of Happiness" Dmitry Kalinsky

Task twelve. Working with the inner child

Task twelve. Working with the inner child

Imagine a place where you will feel as comfortable as possible - the seashore, the lawn, your own sofa - it does not matter. Mentally transport yourself there: try to feel how a light breeze blows, or the sun shines, or a rocking chair creaks pleasantly in an old country house. After all, this is your perfect world. When you are completely in it, from the top of your head to the tips of your fingers, imagine that some figure is approaching you from afar. And gradually you realize: this is a child. A little girl or boy of three to five years old is like two drops of water similar to you at the same age. If it is difficult to remember yourself in those years, first look through the family album, find your photo, take a good look at your own forgotten features - after all, you need that child to come to life in your imagination.

Why is this age important? What will happen if you remember yourself, seven years old? The result, alas, is far from ideal. because

a child of three to five years old symbolizes our subconscious.

With which we will work.

So, it worked. You clearly saw that boy or girl, met with the baby. Now, first of all, try to give him as much love, warmth, care and tenderness as possible. Hug, kiss, caress, say kind words. Get on your knees, play - in general, try to fill it with the maximum amount positive emotions.

The more positive you give your child, the more positive feelings you activate within yourself.

Now it's time to talk to the baby. Ask if he is all right, maybe he is offended by someone, angry, sorry for someone or afraid? In any case, try to calm the child, instill in him confidence, strength, calmness. Try to explain some things to him from the position of an adult. For example, if the baby is offended by mom or dad, say that it is pointless. That this situation had to happen for the kid to learn a life lesson.

If the child feels guilty, release him from this feeling, tell him about the areas of personal responsibility, explain that feelings of guilt do not exist in principle (you already know why). If he feels sorry for himself or someone close to him, try to convey to him that this feeling is destructive, that he will not help anyone with pity, that every person - both himself and others - should be treated as normal, full-fledged people. And so on.

Keep in mind: since now we are communicating with the image of our subconscious, and the subconscious has a global memory, absolutely any problems can surface - both the troubles of a three-year-old, and complexes and resentments from your recent past.

If the child says that he has some claims against you personally, ask him for forgiveness.

What if the baby is silent? Well, not really - but he doesn’t want to talk about serious things? In no case should you “shake” him like a pear, so that he quickly laid out all his problems and secrets to you. Be patient. If a heart-to-heart conversation didn’t work out today, it’s not scary. Just communicate! Discuss toys, cartoons, weather, nature and other trifles - now the main thing is to establish contact, and then there will be no frankness.

When the conversation is over, say goodbye to the baby and imagine how he goes further and further away. And you remain alone, all in the same wonderful place, feeling calm and comfortable.

As you may have guessed, the problems that you discussed with your child, you have closed for yourself today. This means they will be out of your life.

It is desirable to work with the inner child every day, for a month, two, three - you yourself will feel when you can let go of the baby (or part with him for a while).

What is this technique for? Firstly, we activate the memory, pull out information from the subconscious, which, perhaps, seems to us not particularly important, but in fact is of great importance - otherwise the child would not talk about this topic. Secondly, we establish a connection with our own subconscious. This skill is extremely useful, as you will see more than once. And thirdly, such virtual meetings perfectly develop intuition. When you need to make an important decision, figure out which direction to go in, arrange a date with your inner child, chat and listen to his advice. Just don't ask for any explanation! Logical substantiations in the competence of consciousness. You are dealing with the image of the subconscious - so just trust him.

I had a client who achieved tremendous success solely because of this technique. She managed to achieve complete understanding with her inner child, she absolutely trusted him - and easily bypassed any sharp corners, won in the most seemingly stalemate situations! Mystic? Nothing like this!

The subconscious mind is able to scan the future seven months ahead - and give the right answers.

Of course, provided that you trust and hear yourself - which, again, brings us back to working with the inner child.

In addition, this technique allows a person to calm down.

When we experience inexplicable excitement, anxiety, experiences “from scratch”, this usually means that our inner child is disturbed.

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