And which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

• shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, problems with sleep.
• phase of suffering. Lasts 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. There may be pain in the stomach and a sensation of a lump in the throat. If a person is experiencing the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
• Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan one's activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less.
• recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Should the person be comforted? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, heart disease, alcoholism, accidents, depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as much as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person does not listen to you or does not show attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console unfamiliar people? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not scream, then you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in comforting familiar and unfamiliar people? In fact, no. The only difference is that you know one person more than the other. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, involve in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's look at the methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of experiencing grief.

shock phase

Your behavior:

• Don't leave the person alone.
• Gently touch the victim. You can take the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch, does he repel you? If repulsive - do not impose, but do not leave.
• Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
• Keep the casualty busy with simple activities, such as some sort of funeral arrangements.
• Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and then return to emotional experiences. Refuse advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand it. Help the victim to simply speak out his feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

• Talk about the past in past tense.
• If you know the deceased, tell something nice about him.

Can't say:

• “You can’t recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
• “God’s will for everything” (helps only deeply believing people), “Was exhausted”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, because they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
• “You are young, beautiful, you will get married / have a baby.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And he is invited to dream.
• “Now, if the ambulance arrived on time”, “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her”, “Now, if I didn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.

Phase of suffering

Your behavior:

• In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
• Give the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
• Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
• If the victim wants to cry, do not interfere with him to do it. Help him cry. Do not hold back your emotions - cry with him.
• If he shows anger, don't interfere.

Your words:

How to console a person: the right words

• If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the realm of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings”. Talk about how you feel.
• Tell me that this suffering is not forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
• Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. The tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

Can't say:

• “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
• "And someone is worse off than you." Such topics can help in a situation of divorce, parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Comparative conversations can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

It makes no sense to tell the victim: “If you need help, contact / call me” or ask him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little - take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema with him. Sometimes it has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to be intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he does not answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or e-mail. Express condolences, report your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that it is necessary to help a person survive grief, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, it will help to survive the loss not only to him. If the loss touched you too, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less loss to your own mental state. And it will also save you from feelings of guilt - you will not reproach yourself for the fact that you could help, but did not, brushing aside other people's troubles and problems.

Condolences. How can I sincerely express my condolences to the family of the deceased? Short words of grief over death and support in difficult times. "My condolences…"

Words of sorrow and support in difficult times

Sincere words of sorrow and delicate behavior express their readiness to share grief, to support their neighbor with their presence or common memory of the deceased. More importantly active participation, willingness to help, to give your time and efforts to a girlfriend or friend at a time when he is vulnerable, depressed and needs participation. Well, if you guess what exactly: in material assistance, organizational, physical. Maybe you need to give someone a lift or shelter for a couple of days. Offer your services for example:

• How can I help you these days?
• If/when you need anything, contact me right away!
• A lot has happened to you right now. What can I do for you?
• I think you might need help. I would like to participate.

My condolences…

How to find the right words to mourn? If you know the relatives of the deceased closely, then it is better to think of a more personal, personal sympathetic phrase. Thinking over the words of condolences, we recommend that you look. Each obituary ends with words of condolence from family and friends of the celebrity. We have given some words of condolences to celebrities at the end of this article. The site "Manufacture of monuments.ru" provides 100 specific examples words of mourning for death.

Accept my condolences!

Delicacy and sincerity- that's what you need to remember when uttering words of sympathy. In grief, the feeling of sincerity and falsehood intensifies. Feel free to pre-select, as well at homerepeatedlyaloudspeak out condolence phrase. This will allow the right moment not to think about the wording and concentrate on the person and the circumstances. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. I want to hug my girlfriend - touch her shoulder or hug, shake hands with a friend - shake. A tear rolled up - do not turn away, but brush it away. Take a bag of clean tissues with you - they may be useful to you or someone from those present.

Death is the final reconciliation... If you harbor a grudge against the deceased, find strength in yourself forgive. Having cleansed your soul and thoughts of negativity, the words of sympathy will sound from the heart, sincerely! If you had a conflict with the deceased, then sincere regret, an apology, a request for forgiveness will be in place.

Examples of a brief verbal condolence

Format verbal condolences context dependent. In a close circle, you can allow heartfelt. But at a funeral or, during parting with the body or at the funeral, only short sayings. Many more invitees should express their condolences.

• [Name] was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
• Be strong!/(Be strong, friend)!
• He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
• I loved him/(her)/[Name]. My condolences!
• How much good she did to those around her! How she was loved, appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a part of ourselves. We are very sorry for you!
• This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But you are the hardest! If there is anything we can do to help you, please contact us right away!
• He meant/did/helped me a lot in my life. I grieve with you!
• He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!
• Our whole family sympathizes with your grief. Condolences ... Be strong!
• His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements that were, and the good and the deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. Condolences to you!
• What a loss! God's man! I pray for him, I pray for all of you!
• What a pity that I did not have time to say “I'm sorry!” to him. He opened a new world for me, and I will always remember this! Sincere condolences!

religious condolence

Is it right to express condolences using religious rhetoric? When is it appropriate, and when is it not appropriate to refer to quotations from sacred books? How should you use the words of prayers if you express your condolences to a person of a different faith or an atheist?

• If a and condoling, and mourning - atheists or agnostics, then resorting to religious rhetoric is not worth it. Ideas for short phrases of sympathy can be gleaned from the section.
• If a person, who lost a loved one is a believer, but you are not, then briefly addressing the topic of a better life in the other world will be correct, but the use of church language will seem false. Phrase ideas can be found in the section.
• On the contrary, when the mourner is an atheist or agnostic, and you are a believer, then an appeal on your part to or to the dogmas of your religion will look like a sincere form of sympathy. The only thing that matters is the measure.
• If both you and the bereaved - both co-religionists, then the appeal to common sources, general and observance of the canonical rites of commemoration are appropriate.

• Even if the mourner himself is a lover of rhyme, yet a moment of condolence is bad time for your own poetry.
• The poetic text in the context of condolences is devalued and can be perceived as verbal exercises during grief.
• If it is popular, then it is already exotic, and condolence verses is the risk of being misunderstood.

Condolence SMS? No.

• The message may come at the wrong time.
• Even if your condolences are laconic, the very image of the SMS channel suggests the transmission of facts, not feelings.
• If you are sending condolences by sms, then you have a phone in your hand. Was it difficult to call? - that's what a person who has suffered a loss will think about.
• If you do not meet in person in the coming days, then express condolences by phone or email.

What, condolences, you can not say?

• Comfort with the prospect. Pain is here and now, and against its background, turning to the future is either to show one's tactlessness, or to hurt a loved one, or, at least, to be unheard or misunderstood. The words are inappropriate: “Everything will be fine ...”, “Don’t worry, you will get married in a couple of years”, “Everything will pass, and this is pain too”, “Time heals ...”, “Nothing, you are young, still give birth”, “I wish you faster endure the grief...
• Demonstrate positive circumstances associated with the loss. Examples of tactless phrases: “Be strong, friend! After all, it happens (somehow / worse / worse ...) ”,“ With such torment, death is a relief ”,“ It’s good that at least (something worse) didn’t happen ”,“ The child will have his own room ”,“ You there is an opportunity (to do something).
• Point to the culprit, "find the extreme". For example, “God gave - God took”, “If you ... (would go to the doctor), would not let him go, listen to advice ...”, “Such doctors are on trial”, “With his lifestyle, it’s not surprising.”
• Do not ask how and under what circumstances it is happened. Now is not the time or place to ask for details.
• Should not be in these moments talk about any topic not related to the experience. Not about work, not about common acquaintances, not about any extraneous topics.
• Do not appeal to your experience even if you have had a similar grief. “Girlfriend, I know how hard it is for you, I also lost ...”, even if said sincerely, in a moment of grief it can be perceived inadequately.
• Intrusive or banal advice, such as “You must live for the sake of ...”, “You need to calm down, wait out the time”, etc. - all this is stupid and unnecessary in moments of grief.

All "impossible" not to list. Be guided by common sense, a sense of proportion, be sincere and sympathetic. Be brief, concise. Remember that sometimes it is better to remain silent and refrain than to talk nonsense or be tactless.

How to write a condolence letter

It is not always possible to express condolences in person, and then in the very first days after death, a letter of sympathy should be sent.

Condolence letter on a postcard appropriate as an addition to a restrained mourning bouquet (red, white colors) or together with some amount of money, if it is, say, an allowance or just financial assistance from an enterprise. Design matters: you can’t write condolences on a bright holiday or greeting card. Use special ones, or take an absolutely neutral postcard with a discreet design.

Condolence Email should also be concise, sincere, but restrained. The title should already contain words of condolence. So, it is incorrect to indicate in the subject line “Condolences on the death of such and such”, but it would be correct: “[Name], condolences to you on the death of your father / (mother).” Before pressing the "send" button, read the condolence through the eyes of the grieving. It should be short, to the point, without frivolity or faux pas. Below are examples of written condolences.

Examples of written condolences

Sample condolence letter for mum's death

Dear/Dear [Name],

It was difficult for us to accept the news of the death of your / your mother, [Name-Patronymic of the deceased]. The more we empathize with your/your loss. We deeply mourn the death of [First Name]. For us, she has always been an example of care, sensitivity, attention to others. (or other positive qualities inherent in the deceased) and conquered both with a good disposition and philanthropy. We are very sad for her and can only guess what a heavy blow her passing was for you / you. More than once we remembered her words: [such and such]. And in this she served as a model of [something], thanks to her we became / understood [what the deceased influenced us]. Your mother, [First Name], raised and raised you / you - a worthy person, whom, we are sure, she was proud of. We are happy that we got to know her.

With deep and sincere sympathy, the [So-and-so] family

Condolence email template for mother's death

email header:[Name], condolences to you on the death of [Name-Patronymic]!

Text of the letter: Dear [Name]! Today I learned with sadness about the death of your mother, [Name-Patronymic]. It's hard to believe - after all, not so long ago she cordially received us as a guest. I remember her as (positive qualities of the deceased) . It's hard for me to imagine the depth of grief you're going through right now. Sincere condolences!

Perhaps these days you will have troubles associated with mourning events. I want to offer you my help: maybe you need to meet someone, help with a car or notify someone ... Contact me! I would like to help in this difficult moment for all of us!

I empathize with your loss! Signature.

Condolences on the death of your father

The structure of the letter (postcard, email) of condolences on the death of the father girlfriend or boyfriend - the same as in the case of condolences on the death of the mother (see above). However, society appreciates a few different qualities in a man than in a mother or wife. Words and phrases relevant to express condolences on the death of the pope, the head of the family are listed below. If more accurate words of comfort come to mind that reflect the features of this particular person, then it is better to use them.

• As soon as I met your father, on the same day I realized that this is a person [of such and such qualities]
• He was a real man, a responsible head of the family and a caring person.
• I didn't know your father personally, but I can imagine how much he meant to you.
• He was an example for me in this and that.
• He admired everyone with his foresight, erudition, and sharp mind.
• I realized that I knew little about him. When the time is right, tell me more about your dad!
• Knowing you, I can guess how much your father gave to the family and children!

Samples of condolences on the death of a friend, colleague

Condolences to a colleague, employee, subordinate - not only a sign of good relations in the team, but also an element of business ethics in a healthy company. Condolences to a colleague are expressed in the same way as condolences to a friend, relative, person close to you. The examples below highlight in professional status- boss, responsible specialist, prominent official, public figure ...

• With deep regret I learned about the tragic / untimely / sudden death of the president of your company, Mr. [Surname-Name-Patronymic]. His contribution to the formation/development/prosperity of your company is well known and indisputable. The management of [Company name] and our colleagues, saddened by the bitter news, convey their condolences on the loss of a respected and talented leader.
• Let me express to you our deepest feelings over the death of [position] Ms. [Last Name, First Name, Patronymic]. Her professionalism, competence and dedication earned her the genuine respect of all who worked with her. Please accept our sincere condolences to your grief and sympathy for your irreparable loss.
• Deeply shocked by the news of the death of [position, Name-Patronymic]. Let me express my most sincere sympathy to you personally and to all the employees of your company. My colleagues, upon learning of the tragedy/grief/misfortune, share deep regret at his/her passing.

Our society has almost lost the culture of condolences. The news feeds are full of news about death, but it is not customary for us to talk about death as part of everyday human experience. However, this can be learned ... The head of the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Patriarchal Metochion - the Church of the Resurrection on Semenovskaya, told the guests of the anniversary XXV International Christmas Educational Readings about how to properly speak with a person in a situation of severe loss.

Share the pain of the mourner

First of all, you need to understand that sympathy is not a ritual and not empty words, but a joint feeling, and condolence is a “joint disease”. Expressing condolences, we make an attempt to take on some of the pain of others. Condolences can be both verbal and written. Just do not need to do this in the form of SMS messages - for many, this form of expressing sympathy can simply offend.

Compassion is not easy. Compassion is a risk. Behind the words of sympathy should be the work of the soul, we must be prepared for discomfort, for the fact that a person overwhelmed by grief can react sharply to our words and actions. It must be remembered that unsuccessful forms of expressing sympathy, soulless formal words can cause him additional pain, and the invaluable resource of internal forces will be spent not on overcoming the pain of loss, but on ... “not killing the condoling one” ...

The sympathizer should not restrain himself in the manifestation of feelings. It is very effective at such a moment to simply touch the grieving, hug, cry next to him, warmly shake his hand. Now, unfortunately, it is not customary to do this, but experience shows that it works much stronger than words. But at the same time, you need to maintain control over yourself in behavior with the mourner.

In order to find the necessary sincere words of consolation, you need to think about your attitude towards the deceased, remember the most important moments of his life, remember what he taught, how he helped and what joys he brought into your life. You need to think about the degree of loss and the history of the development of relations with the deceased of those people to whom you are going to express condolences, try to feel their inner state, their feelings.

Word, deed, prayer

It must be remembered that condolences are not only words, but also actions that can alleviate the situation of a neighbor. Words without deeds are dead. Real help gives weight and sincerity to words. Deeds make life easier for the grieving, and also allow the condoling one to do a good deed. Only words, even the most good and correct, are like a car with a steering wheel, but without wheels, but the real thing helps everyone cope with a difficult situation. Do not hesitate to offer help to the grieving, find out how you can specifically support him. We can offer financial assistance, household chores, funeral arrangements... And we will really help the family where the grief happened, if we take the trouble to take care of the children living in this family. Children at such a moment, when adults are immersed in loss and worries about burial, often find themselves abandoned to the mercy of fate. The child reacts to death with a delay, he may not express his emotions outwardly at all, so it will seem that he is doing fine on his own, but meanwhile it is the children in this situation that are the weakest link. Grief can overtake a child in six months, and others will not even understand why he behaves so strangely. This is extremely important: children in this situation should not be left to their own devices.

Sometimes mourners refuse help. No need to regard such a refusal as a personal attack against you. A person in this state cannot always correctly assess the situation.

You can help with deeds, not only by providing material and organizational assistance, although this is also necessary. Our prayer can and should become a deed - both for the deceased and for the mourner. You can pray not only at home, but also in the temple, submit notes for remembrance. You need to tell the mourner that you will pray, thereby you show that you do not stop communicating with the deceased, that even after death you continue to love him.

Reconcile with the departed

Sometimes we are prevented from condoling sincerely by resentment towards the departed or his relatives. In such a state, it is impossible to express sympathy, of course. Reconciliation is necessary, otherwise our words on duty will inflict additional emotional trauma on the mourner. And if we forgive the offense with all our hearts, then the right words will come by themselves.

Here it is appropriate to briefly and tactfully ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself guilty of before the deceased, admit your mistake to your relatives and say that you are very sad that you cannot apologize to him personally.

If nothing comes to mind...

If you need to say something, but the right words just don’t come to mind, you can say some standard phrases, in which, of course, there will be no warmth, but which, at least, will not hurt the mourners.

“He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.”

“Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him."

“There are no words to express your grief. He meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget".

“It is very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me."

"I'm sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very happy. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you…”

“Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, this has to be experienced. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment."

“This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together."

“Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Forgive me! I mourn with you."

“This is a huge loss and a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.”

“It’s hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life.

How not to sympathize

Should be avoided in every possible way in condolences pomposity, pathos, theatricality. A brief unsubscribe via SMS is one extreme. But there is another - to send a long ornate message in verse, which can be found on the Internet in two minutes. Both are equally tactless, and the basis of these two errors is the same problem - unwillingness to work with the soul. Elementary selfishness, fear of violating our own spiritual comfort, as well as a lack of understanding that the acceptance of grief has its own stages often prevents us from showing sympathy.

Completely inappropriate for condolences consolation for the future. “Time will pass, give birth again”, “You are beautiful, then you will get married” ... The man still did not really realize his loss, did not mourn the deceased. Maybe in a year it will be possible to say to this girl: “Look, you are such a beauty, you will console yourself, there will still be family happiness in your life.” But now the grieving is not interested in the future, the pain of loss in the present is too strong.

Very common is prohibition on the mountain: "Don't cry, everything will pass." Or even worse: “Don’t cry, you’ll soak the dead”, “You can’t cry, you anger God” and even “You are now neutralizing prayer with tears.” You need to understand that in this situation the principle “do not cry, it will heal before the wedding” does not work. The mourner will simply hide his emotions, withdraw into himself, which can lead to very difficult psychological breakdowns in the future. Usually the ban on grief arises just because of the “sympathizers”, who are traumatized by the emotions and experiences of the grieving.

Completely unacceptable depreciation and rationalization of the loss: “It’s better for him, he was sick and exhausted”, “It’s good that his mother didn’t suffer”, “It’s hard, but you still have children”, “He died because he would become a bandit.”

Should be avoided at all costs loss comparisons: “Others are even worse”, “You are not the only one.” A grieving person cannot compare his pain with the pain of others.

And, of course, by no means make a person feel guilty: "Oh, if we sent him to the doctor ...", "Why did we not pay attention to the symptoms", "If you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened."

Listening to the speech of Mikhail Khasminsky, I remembered my loss. The news of my father's death caught me two years ago on a train, when I was already approaching my destination. I knew that dad was terminally ill, but I still hoped ... My God, what ?! Why did I even go? I remember that at that moment, for some reason, I was afraid to shock my neighbors in the reserved seat car with my tears. But they treated my grief with understanding. And I will never forget how one girl - I didn’t even recognize her name - just shook my hand tightly and said in a whisper only one word: “I’m sorry” ...

Newspaper "Orthodox Faith" No. 04 (576)

Sincerely and tactfully convey condolences in connection with the loss is always difficult. Especially if you have to do it in person. There are certain forms of etiquette that keep communication going smoothly despite the tragedy of the moment. We hope that our advice will help you to hold on to your dignity and show your best sides.

condolence word examples

To find the right expressions, you need to gather your thoughts and look into yourself.

Don't try to hide behind dry clichés, but don't get too emotional either. Never use swear words in speech.

If you have to express condolences in writing, avoid exclamation marks. Be brief and straightforward - the person is gone forever, and you can't hide it with any softening expressions.

How formal your appeal will be depends on the specific case, but it is imperative to end it with a question of how you could help.

Both in writing and orally, you can use the following text as an example:

• “A wonderful man is gone. I send my condolences to you and your entire family at this sad and difficult moment”;
• “I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you”;
• “I was told that your brother was dead. I am very sorry and I send you my condolences”;
• “I want to express my deepest regret about the death of your father. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know."

When to Express Condolences

Time, like words, is also of great importance. You should be tactful towards the relatives of the deceased.

Usually, those who want to express regret over someone's death are concerned about two points: will I interfere with the mourners and is it too late (not too early) to apply now?

The first point is psychological. It happens that there is no experience in such conversations, or you are afraid to enter a house that death has recently visited, or you did not get along with the family of the deceased during the life of the deceased ... Most often, people simply torment themselves, feeling that they are obliged to come or call, but are afraid to see someone else's grief and do not know how to behave in such a situation.

The second point relates to moral behavior. Is it possible to call the family of the deceased as soon as you hear the bad news? Is it worth waiting for a funeral to support his family there? And if you were not invited to either the funeral or the commemoration, then when to come with condolences? Will it be too late next week?

No matter how difficult and scary it may be for you, you should appear or call when you feel that this is expected of you. For example, a friend, relative, neighbor needs comfort. In addition, if you know that your presence or a few nice words on the phone will encourage a person, you should do it on the principle of "if not me, then who."

You may not be best friends, you may not have been in this family for a long time, but sometimes support from strangers is needed, especially if the mourner is alone and insecure. These can be pensioners, widows, orphans, young mothers with a baby, just closed people who find it difficult to count on help.

Don't get overly embarrassed. Even if you are received distantly or asked to be shorter and leave, then at least your behavior will be correct.

Yet most mourners need and wait for visitors and calls. If you are close to them, call as soon as you hear about the grief. If not very close, it will be more formal to come or call in the first three days after the funeral.

A maximum of a week later, it is customary to bring condolences from employees from work, and if you turn even later, then prepare a short excuse (didn’t know, were in another country, etc.).

What can't be said

Worn out phrases that you can get rid of if a friend just has another trouble are categorically not suitable during the period of mourning for the deceased.

In order not to hurt a person experiencing a loss, common mistakes should be avoided:

1. Do not call " No need to cry", " Calm down", " Enough to grieve". A person should not feel guilty for their grief. Otherwise, he will simply think that you did not appreciate his grief and do not want to see him in tears and sadness.
2. Do not console with words like "Think of yourself", " You haven't died yet”,“ Find another ”,“ Do you still have children". Such phrases also devalue the loss, taking away the right to mourn for the deceased. Consider that even if a widow ever manages to remarry, now is not the time to think about the possibility of replacing her late spouse. Even if he was not exemplary, it does not matter.
3. Do not judge the deceased with alleged consolations like " He shouldn't have been drinking/smoking/going to surgery», « We felt it would end badly», « Workaholics burn out fast" or " Addicts always have a sad end". The reaction to your words will be just anger, because death erases all the mistakes of the deceased. Death may be the result of his addictions, but it is always too heavy a retribution, which hurts the relatives of the deceased now. They are not up to your consolations-condemnations.
4. Don't lie that you know how the mourner is feeling right now. Even if you suffered a loss at one time, it is right to talk about it with those who have already gone through all the stages of sadness. With these words, you can try to get close to a stranger in order to inspire more confidence, they say, you are united by a common grief. But immediately after the funeral, you can’t talk about your similar grief - for the mourner, this is still an unlived experience, and such consolations are only annoying.
5. Phrase " There are those who are even more difficult now"is simply deadly for orphans, widowers and widows, for those who have lost a friend or brother. The usual response to this is: I am none the better for it!”- absolutely fair. Save this phrase for those who whine about problems, so to speak, without knowing life. After the funeral, this is inappropriate.

Finally, even without knowing how to properly express your condolences in words, you can do it from the heart - just with your silent presence. When trouble comes to the house, we need each other even without words. Do not leave loved ones and friends alone with your grief!

Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone has died among relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolence- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the experiences, misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, not to hurt, not to cause even more suffering?

The word condolence speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as " co joint disease". Let this not surprise you. In fact, grief is a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition for a person, and it is well known that "grief shared is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Compassion - joint feeling, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is the sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, the presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at comforting the mourner.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving, but in many cases causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon these days. I must say that people in grief subtly feel lies that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and false words in which there is no warmth.

How to Express Condolences:

To express condolences, please consider the following:

• You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, it is quite enough to touch the grieving. It is possible (if this case it is appropriate and ethical) to shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime can also do so. It is enough for them to shake hands with their relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolence.
• It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to back up these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times have understood that their words without deeds can turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organization of the funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many other types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but also make life easier for the grieving, and also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight, sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate, words of condolence that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before you go to offer condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both for the person to whom we will bring condolences, and for the deceased himself. It is these resentments and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those whom you are offended by, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

• Before you say words of comfort to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or those people) to whom you are going to express condolence are feeling right now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the right words will come by themselves. You will only have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving. You cannot know the degree of repentance (present and future) of this person or people.

The expression of condolence is not only the sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person says words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly apologize for what you consider yourself guilty of to the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are some examples of verbal condolences. We want to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use exclusively ready-made stamps, because. the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your grief. She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget…
• It is very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very happy. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, this has to be experienced. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together.
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Forgive me! I grieve with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It's hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you. I will gladly help you at any time.

I would like to emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pathos, theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on days 9-40 of loss (if mourning is normal). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH Grieving.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences should not be formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases do not sound. It is important to note that in an effort to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made that not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, disappointment on the part of the grieving. This is because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently common phrases that, according to experts, it is not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in an acute phase of grief:

You can't "comfort" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died)," You are beautiful, then will you still get married"(if the husband died), etc. is a completely tactless statement for a mourner. He had not yet mourned, had not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he is experiencing the pain of a real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such a “consolation” from a person who may think that in this way he gives hope to the grieving, is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry everything will pass" - people who utter such words of "sympathy" give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to respond to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. A grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or establish himself) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the mourner, and the entire life of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the "sympathizers" themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if a grieving person expresses his grief for several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement that the condoling person imagines as optimistic and even hopeful for the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not see the good yet, he does not strive for it. For now, he doesn't really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And therefore, such empty optimism will annoy him rather than help.

« It's bad, but time heals.”- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it himself can understand. God can heal the soul, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and alms, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the mourner when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed with time. He thinks it will always be like this. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let's give a metaphor: for example, a child hit hard, experiences severe pain, cries, and they say to him, "It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

It is impossible, when expressing condolences, to pronounce wishes to the mourner, which are oriented to the future. For example, “I wish you to go to work faster”, “I hope that you will soon restore your health”, “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy”, etc. First, these forward-looking wishes are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see yet. So, these phrases will go, at best, into the void. But it is possible that the mourner will perceive this as your call to him to end his mourning, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the mourner.

It is impossible to find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, suggesting positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding some benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - most often also does not console the grieving. The bitterness of loss from this does not become less, a person perceives what happened as a disaster

“That's better for him. He was sick and exhausted" Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the mourner acknowledges the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke a grieving resentment towards the departed - "You feel good now, you do not suffer, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of mourning can be a source of guilt in the mourner.

Often, when expressing condolences, such statements are made: “It’s good that the mother didn’t get hurt”, “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be said to the grieving. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce the pain of a person from loss. Of course, he understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Everyone knows that it is impossible to console a victim of a fire with the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are worse off than you"(it happens even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many suffer, here you have a husband, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which a condolence tries to compare the grieving with the one, “ who is worse off." At the same time, he relies on the fact that the grieving person will understand from this comparison that his loss is not the worst, which can be even harder, and thus the pain of the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable approach. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everything around is bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the bitterest. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can't look for "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if we wouldn’t let him go”, etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which then will have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the "guilty", "extreme" in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (put on trial)”, “these terrible doctors should be judged. These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of a guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all alleviate the pain of loss. Punishing the guilty person in death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements introduce the mourner into a state of intense aggression against the person responsible for the death of a loved one. But experts in grief know that a grieving person can turn aggression against the guilty person at any moment on himself, than to make himself even worse. So you should not pronounce such phrases, kindling a fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave, God took"- another frequently used "comfort", which actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person to God. It must be understood that a person who is in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not be relieved by what God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that, by offering to shift the blame to God in this way, one can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is just an appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties appear for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such a condolence addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like this” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding a grieving person of the shortcomings of a person who has died not only does not console, but, on the contrary, makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolences” in this way, completely undeservedly puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, thinking a lot about himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” by condemnation, evaluation is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences" it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, it's either good, or nothing."

Other Common Mistakes When Expressing Condolences

Often condoling say the phrase "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except for the one who experiences it. And the soul of everyone hurts too especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced such a thing. You should not compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did it happen?" “Where did it happen?”, “And what did he say before his death?”. This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that you cannot talk about the loss at all).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily survive the grief - “You know that I feel bad too”, “When my mother died, I also almost lost my mind "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father also died, ”etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of sorrow and pain can occur, a mutual induction, which not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, for a person it is a small consolation that others are also bad.

Often condolences are expressed with phrases that are more like appeals - “ We must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you need to do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when the call was practically the only understandable form of address to a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obligated to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality, play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. wolfelt also gives the following advice on what NOT to do when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of the grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the failures of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait until he gets back to normal.

It is impossible to move away from a person, depriving him of his support, to ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to be imposed, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving. Don't ignore him, but go and talk to him.

You can not be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Often sympathetic people are frightened by the strong emotions of the grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you can not show that you are scared and move away from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to speak to those who are grieving without touching their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have any result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring their feelings. If you talk to a person without touching his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You can not use force (squeeze in arms, grab hands). Sometimes condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the mourner. Strong manifestations of emotions, squeezing in an embrace.

Condolence: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and commemoration, but also to comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in the mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, stay close to the grieving, offer help, comfort.

But people who were not at the mourning ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When attending a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they just put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary during a condolence visit to discuss any other issues not related to death, tactlessly talk about abstract topics, recalling funny stories, or discuss service problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they have suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for some reason, then a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message should be sent.

Written expression of condolence

How to express condolences in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant for the topic “Ideological Aspects of Life”, writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and the nobility, one can find samples of consolatory letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of notice, love, instructive, imperative. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolence, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. Here is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son, and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad—one must read these heartfelt letters in order to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with another's grief could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who then served as governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the king. The tsar wrote to his old father to comfort him, and, among other things, he wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve to the extent possible, but it’s impossible not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't get angry." The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: "Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us.(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means of not only conveying information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech turns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows you to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, circle of friends and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more of an emotional assessment of the event of death that had occurred, rather than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually comforting letters. They were often in response to a letter of notice. But even if the mourner did not send a letter of notice of the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemoration of the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, receded into the background in secular society. The topic of death to some extent passed into the category of taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy has also been lost; there is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of consolation have moved into the category of formal etiquette, but have not completely left the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called "Letters" began to be published to help those writing on a difficult topic. These were guides on writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, examples of letters, phrases and expressions were given for various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. "Comforting letters" - one of the sections of the letters, giving advice on how to support the grieving, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of reassurance necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th-century scribes, The General Secretary, or the new complete scribe. (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
letters of consolation “In this kind of writing, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can dismiss yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no most commendable custom how to console each other in sorrows. Fate brings us so many misfortunes that we would act inhumanly if we did not mutually give such relief to each other. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in excess in her sadness, then instead of suddenly holding back the first of her tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer, to whom they write. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than mourn over someone's death, it is better to leave such lively ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adjust to the secret feelings of their heart in a frank manner: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to spread and to leave great condolences. In other cases it is possible to speak at greater length about disasters inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us suffer in this life? Weakness makes you work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! I have the honor to write this letter to you, not in order to relieve you of your lamentation, for your sorrow is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and all that depends on me, or rather, to mourn in common with you. the death of your beloved husband. He was a friend to me and proved his friendship by innumerable good deeds. Consider, madam, whether I have no reason to regret him and to join my tears with your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can comfort my sorrow but complete submission to the will of God. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the blessedness of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, yet it is necessary to console yourself with his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-term pleasure here. Honor him with eternal content in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Amuse yourself with the upbringing of your children, in whom you see him come to life. If it happens sometimes to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying about him together with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he gained love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my sovereign! Your…"

The tradition of condolence has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is similar in all respects to past centuries. Today, as before, we can observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The embarrassment experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the theme of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more of an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist today, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, with what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "writers."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death of... She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and good disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once ... . She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

On the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his frugality, love of life and how reverently he cared for you, it seems to me that I also knew him. I think a lot of people will miss it. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very happy if you shared your memories of your dad. I think of you and your family.

On the death of a child

… We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept our sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1 I was deeply saddened by the news of the death of (name) and I want to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your company. My colleagues share my deep regret at his/her passing.

Example 2 It is with deep regret that I learned of the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey my condolences to you on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3 I would like to express to you our deepest feelings on the death of Ms. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4 We were deeply saddened to learn of the death of Mr....

Example 5 It was a great shock for us to hear the news of the sudden death of Mr.

Example 6 We find it hard to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...