People skills are very important. Many areas in your life can depend on how you talk or correspond with your interlocutors. By becoming a pleasant and tactful interlocutor, and having mastered some rules of etiquette, you will be able to win over many people, which can bring you positive results in the future.

What role does the ability to communicate in society play?

The ability to establish contact is an important quality, and no one possesses it from birth. This skill needs to be developed, and if it has not been laid down for you since childhood, this does not mean at all that you cannot acquire it now. People who have learned how to communicate correctly in society are undoubtedly more successful not only in their careers, but also in their personal lives. Often, in our manner of speaking, the interlocutors add up the first impression of us, and we can ensure that it is only positive.

The subtleties of communication

Note that communication can include both verbal and non-verbal elements. That is, when entering into a dialogue with other people, you do not just pronounce a set of phrases, and the attention of the interlocutors is not only focused on them. In addition to the correctness of speech, it is important to monitor the shades of intonation, facial expressions, gestures, gaze. Surely, you had to watch how a person seems to say reasonable things, but something repels him. It can be just a running glance, sharp hand movements or a “frozen” pose, monotonous-sounding phrases, and the like. All these factors are no less important than the content of your phrases.

How to stop being afraid of public speaking

As you know, some people are afraid to speak in front of the public, and this fear can remain throughout life. However, many feel psychological stress not only when speaking to a large audience, but also simply, if necessary, in contact with a stranger. It can reach discomfort even when communicating with the seller, cashier, etc.

Fear of talking to strangers

First of all, it is worth determining where this fear came from. There may be several reasons. shyness Usually this trait comes from deep childhood, and depends on the temperament of the child. Some children behave openly, and sometimes intrusively, while others are embarrassed to start a dialogue with adults or peers. If parents do not instill communication skills, and let everything take its course, then in the end this trait flows into adulthood. Low self-esteem You are so insecure that you think that if you start a conversation with a stranger, you will look stupid. Perhaps it seems to you that there is nothing to talk about with you, you are unhappy with your voice, unsure of your ability to clearly express your thoughts, and so on. Low self-esteem can be hidden in many small things, leading to general self-doubt. Complexes regarding appearance This subparagraph can be related to the previous one, but the difference is that it is only about appearance. Perhaps it seems to you that if you speak, then others will pay attention to some flaw in your appearance that would hide from them if you did not attract attention to yourself.

Ways to deal with fear

Recognition of the problem Having realized what your problem is, which entailed a fear of communication, it is important to try to solve it. If the reason lies in some defects in appearance, then find a way to fix them. It is also important to understand that your complex can be contrived. Surely, among famous people there are those who have a similar “flaw” - look at how they behave in public and how many fans they have! , you need to pick it up. You can make an appointment with a psychologist, but if you are afraid of communicating with strangers, then this step will probably cause you stress. That is why you should look on the Web for motivational videos with psychological consultations, which are absolutely free. Appearance A lot depends on how you look when communicating with people. You probably noticed that if you are unsure of your appearance, then communication is even more difficult for you - you just don’t want to focus on yourself. Such moments must be avoided. We are talking about the elementary - clothes, accessories, shoes. Choose your wardrobe carefully so that you have no doubts about it. Do not forget not only about stylish and comfortable things, but also about skin care, teeth, hair and nails. If you carefully take care of all of the above, then you will gain confidence in yourself. Communication If you want to overcome your fear, then you need to face the problem face to face. Only by starting to contact other people, you will learn to cope with your psychological barriers. Start small with phone calls. Sharpen your communication skills with loved ones. It is unlikely that you are afraid of talking with relatives or friends - communicate with them more often. As an experiment, to clarify a question, call an old acquaintance who fell out of your field of vision for some period. Subsequently, you can call one of the gyms in the city, for example, by asking the administrator what the cost of a subscription is at their institution and until what time the gym is open. With clarifying questions, you can also call a beauty salon or a yoga studio. It is not necessary to use these services afterwards - you just consult, as many other people do.

Having mastered a little with telephone conversations, try to start a dialogue “live”. If you are afraid of looking stupid when talking to strangers, then choose a way of communication where you will mainly have to listen. You can go to the nearest post office and ask how it is better to send a parcel to another country (for example, to Canada in the city of Toronto), and how long it will take to go there. Improvise, and gradually you will forget about your fears.

I don’t know what to talk to people about, how to start a dialogue first

It is important to understand that if you start the conversation first, then nothing terrible or unnatural will happen. Unless if another person starts a conversation with you, will you think something bad about him? Most probably not. In the same way, other people will not see anything incredible if you contact them, so do not invent problems from scratch. 1. Ask questions The easiest way to start a dialogue is with a question that will be relevant to the situation. If you are at a certain party, you can ask something about the menu - pay attention to what the potential interlocutor drinks or eats, and ask if he is happy with the choice and whether you should order a similar dish or drink for yourself. Of course, you should not be intrusive at the same time, if a person is relaxed and clearly ready for communication, and not concentrated on absorbing his food, then only then it makes sense to ask such questions. You can also be interested in more neutral topics - how to get to a particular area, where in the city there is a good hardware store or bookshop and so on.

If you began to notice that other people are not too keen to maintain a dialogue with you and even avoid communication, then perhaps some reasons contributed to this. Let's consider some of them: 1- Subjective assessment Of course, we all have our own subjective point of view on almost everything. However, if you are a tactful interlocutor, you will not try to impose your opinion on another person, especially if you see that he does not agree with him. It is important to understand that someone else's point of view on certain events is no less valuable than yours. Yes, perhaps the interlocutor is really wrong, but if you want it to be pleasant to communicate with you, then do not try to prove your case at any cost. Gently present your arguments, without irony and irritation, ask what arguments your opponent has. Believe me, if a person is really wrong in some important issue, then soon he himself will understand this. If the issue is insignificant, then it is not worth paying attention to it. 2 - Detachment or talkativeness These are two extremes that are best avoided. In the first case, when a person behaves aloof, immersed in himself, the interlocutor may decide that you are not interested in communicating with him. Of course, there are people who like to speak out incessantly, and at the same time do not notice the mood of others, but most still pay attention to someone else's reaction. Perhaps, due to a particular character or shyness, you try not to express your point of view, giving the interlocutor the right to conduct a dialogue, but gradually such communication can turn into a monologue, and it’s not a fact that the other participant in the conversation likes this state of affairs. In the second case (with excessive talkativeness) it is also difficult to hone proper communication skills. Many of us know such people who like to talk a lot, interrupt and not listen to others. At the same time, they may consider themselves interesting and sociable personalities, but in fact they cause varying degrees of irritation. If mostly tactful interlocutors come across on their way, then they may not even know about their problem. Analyze your conversations with other people - who talks more? In communication, it is important to maintain a balance - talking yourself, asking questions and listening to the answers of the other person. 3 - Stare Are you sure you don't have that habit of staring at other people? Many people feel uncomfortable under such a “microscope”, and they try to wrap up the conversation as quickly as possible. It may seem to you that you are imperceptibly studying someone's shoes, hair, or some part of the body, but, as a rule, this is very noticeable. , most likely, would like not to focus on them. Perhaps it’s not even worth mentioning that exclamations are unacceptable: “Oh, your pimple popped up!”, “Do you know that you have gray hair?”, “Are you getting better?”, “Your blouse is wrinkled,” and so on. such tactless remarks. They can only sound between very close people - a parent and son or daughter or husband and wife, and then if you are sure that this is appropriate. 4 - Questions This subparagraph follows from the previous subparagraph - it will be about the ability to ask questions. Even if you and your interlocutor speak in approximately equal proportions, but at the same time you do not ask any questions to keep the conversation going, then such a conversation can soon become boring. It is important for people to feel an interest in their person. Be interested in the affairs of the interlocutor, his opinion on this or that account. It is important not to cross the line though. If you are not in a very close relationship, do not ask very personal questions - do not be faux pas. If a person is embarrassed about a question or topic of conversation, subtly move the conversation in a different direction, thereby showing yourself to be a flexible and tactful interlocutor.

AT modern world where people used to spend most time in social networks and various instant messengers, keep in touch with others through virtual communication, many have forgotten how to interact with each other in real life. It is rare to meet a person who is able to keep up a conversation, a person with whom it is interesting and pleasant to communicate on various topics. For some people communication live and is a real torture. Psychologists are sure that the ability to communicate with others can be learned, you just need to know some subtleties of communication and nuances.

result successful communication is found contact with a person or, more simply, a common language. Every person, regardless of their education, erudition, character traits, may encounter communication difficulties.

Rules for successful communication with people

Each person has his own individual qualities, character traits, features that distinguish him from the bulk of people. The desire to feel part of society and feel the importance of one's role in society is the key to successful communication with people. Do not be indifferent to the words of the interlocutor. It is important to be able to maintain a conversation with him, being interested in what the interlocutor thinks on this or that occasion, what opinion he has about this or that topic of conversation. Sincerity and goodwill are simply necessary in dealing with other people. People appreciate those who know how to listen to them. This quality is much more valuable than the ability to speak beautifully, since most people either consciously or unconsciously feel falseness and insincerity.

Do not assume that the opinion of the person himself is the only correct and indisputable. To successfully communicate with other people, you must learn to be patient and respect the opinions of others, otherwise communication will end in conflict.

Communication on an equal footing

You can't be arrogant. This quality destroys any relationship and prevents a person from maintaining contact with people, even the closest relatives and friends. It is necessary to weigh your every word, trying to avoid an arrogant tone, the desire to assert yourself at the expense of others and rise in this way. Arrogance and the desire for self-affirmation will seem like an insult to the interlocutor, and he will forever lose the desire to continue communication.

Important points in communicating with people

Few people like to listen for hours. The interlocutor already has enough problems, everyone has them. The purpose of communication is pleasant emotions, a charge of positive energy and positive, so people try to have less contact with those who constantly complain about their life, fate, work, soulmate. Psychologists drew attention to the fact that the repetition of the interlocutor's posture leads to the fact that the interlocutor at a subconscious level begins to feel sympathy for the person, in this case he is more inclined to communicate with him.

Don't try to pretend to be someone you really aren't. - the best qualities of a good interlocutor. Sooner or later, people will see the true face of a person, since no one is able to constantly control their behavior, emotions and thoughts under any conditions. It is necessary to remain at ease in order for communication to continue.

Psychologists advise looking directly into a person's eyes during communication. The one who constantly looks away does not inspire confidence and sympathy. In this case, the interlocutor thinks that the person is either bored in his company, or something is not telling or deceiving him. Psychologists also noted the fact that people are more inclined to communicate with those who often call them by name during a conversation.

Often in communication there are not very pleasant pauses, it is better to avoid such moments. To do this, you need to answer the questions of the interlocutor in detail, forgetting about monosyllabic answers. You can ask questions that the interlocutor will have to answer in detail, but you can’t go too far with this, as a large number of questions will make him feel uncomfortable.

Communication skills play a big role in building relationships with other people, in achieving success in life, so you need to constantly develop them.

In many parts of the world (and Russia is no exception here), people are brought up to consider all strangers as dangerous by default: they cannot be trusted, they can cause harm. True, most strangers are not dangerous. But it is not easy to communicate with them without context. In any case, we should not be afraid of other people. You just need to learn to understand when to show friendliness and when not.

We hang labels that help our brain quickly form an opinion about another person. We automatically put strangers into categories: a man - a woman, our own - a stranger, friend - enemy, young - old. We do not perceive the other person as a person. Thinking is so easy and convenient. But this is the path to prejudice.

Why is it important for us to communicate with strangers?

We often say “How are you?” to our neighbors. or "Beautiful day." Agree, there is no benefit either from this question or from the information received. But why are we doing this?

It helps to feel part of society

Psychological research has proven that most people communicate more honestly and openly with strangers than they do with close friends and family. They feel that strangers understand them better.

Connecting with strangers is a special form of intimacy that gives us what we need and what our friends and family can't.

Communication with people outside the usual circle is very important. First, it is a quick interaction that has no consequences. Agree, it's easy to be honest with a person you'll never see again.

Secondly, when communicating with loved ones, we always expect them to understand us without words, to guess our thoughts. With strangers, you have to start from scratch: tell the whole story from the very beginning, explain who these people you are talking about, what you think of them. Therefore, sometimes strangers really understand us much better.

It helps to connect emotionally with people.

Communicating with strangers, you unwittingly become a participant in their emotional experiences. A casual conversation about the weather can turn into a deep interaction. It seems strange that we can make personal contact with a stranger. But these quick interactions can give us empathy, an emotional resonance. Sociologists call this phenomenon fleeting intimacy.

Experiment Rules

It seems very easy to walk up to a stranger on the street and say "Hello", but that's just how it seems. Where is it appropriate? How should communication take place? What's the best way to end a conversation? These are just a few of the issues that need to be dealt with.

To learn in the company of people you have never met before, the experiments that Keo Stark advises his students to undergo will help.

If you decide to conduct research, follow these simple rules:

• Take notes: keep them in mind, write them down in a notebook, share your observations on a blog or social networks.
• Respect other people and watch your behavior. If you see that a person is not inclined to communicate, do not put pressure on him and do not be intrusive.
• Don't forget cultural differences. It is not recommended to conduct an experiment in a country that you do not know well enough. For example, in Denmark, people are usually not inclined to communicate with strangers: a Dane would rather pass his bus stop than ask another person to clear the aisle. In other countries - Egypt - it is considered impolite to ignore another person, so do not be surprised that when you ask for directions, you can receive an invitation to visit.
• All studies are arranged in order of increasing task complexity. Experiment No. 1 is a warm-up, and it is better to start with it, even if you are interested in another experiment.

You will need a notepad. Spend one hour in public place where you are most likely not to run into people you know. It can be a park, a cafe, a train, or any other place where you can linger and watch people who are also in no hurry.

Choose a good spot where you can sit down and look at a wide range of people from a relatively close distance. Log out of the Internet, turn off all devices for one hour. Part of this test is total presence. Then look around.

1. Describe the situation. Where are you? What is interesting in this place? What do people usually do here? What's going on unusual? What kind of people are around you?
2. Take notes. How others look, what they are wearing, what they do and what they don’t, how they interact with each other. If there are too many people around you, you can choose a few of the most interesting ones.
3. Think of the life stories of these people. Give specific details that inspire your story. So, for example, if you are sure that one of them is rich, or homeless, or shy, or a tourist, or lives nearby - think about what led you to such thoughts. Try to understand where you get these assumptions.

Experiment #2: Say "Hi!"

Take a walk in a crowded place: a park with paths, along the embankment, the main street of the city. Determine for yourself the optimal distance that you need to walk (it is desirable that the walk takes from five to ten minutes). There should be a lot of pedestrians around you. Go slowly and start experimenting.

1. Your job is to say "Hi" to every person you pass by. To each of them. Don't be afraid to look them in the eye, and don't worry if someone misheard you or intentionally ignored you. This is just a warm up.
2. The next step is not just to say hello, but also to add your observations to the greeting, which will help start a conversation. They should not contain anything personal, but they should indicate social recognition. For example: "Cute dog", "You have a wonderful hat" or "It's cold today." Such phrases help to establish contact and tie social connections.

Carefully evaluate each of these micro-interactions. You may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but don't stop until you've talked to everyone. What happens when you greet people? They are smiling? Are they laughing? Embarrassed? Look unusual? Tell the companion about what happened?

If you are nervous, you can take a friend with you. But this friend must not say anything. He is there just to make you feel safe.

Experiment #3: Get Lost

This experiment is a series of requests, each requiring more active participation. Try to go through each stage. Keep a pen and paper close at hand, and hide your smartphone away.

1. First ask someone to show you the way.
2. If the person stops and points you in the direction, ask them to draw a map.
3. If he drew a map for you, ask for his phone number in case you can call him if you get lost.
4. If he gives you a phone number, you call him.

Surprisingly, most people easily leave their number. Over the years, Keo Stark has taught this exercise in her classroom, and only one student has ever dared to call.

Be careful when choosing a starting point and destination, it may not be possible to choose a pair that will work right the first time. It should not be quite simple, otherwise the map will not be needed. But not too complicated for a passer-by to explain to you.

This is an exercise Stark came up with almost 10 years ago, and it's a little harder to do in this age of smartphones. You must give the plausible impression that you cannot navigate without a hand-drawn map or list of directions.

Experiment #4: Ask a question

People talk if you give them the opportunity. They say when their . In this experiment, you must ask a stranger a disarmingly personal question and then simply listen. By "disarmingly personal," Stark means an unexpectedly intimate, personal question about something really important. It should be a question that will immediately include a person in communication.

The technique works as follows. You should bring video or audio equipment with you (your smartphone will do) to give the intrusion some legitimacy and some logic.

The camera is a little trick that gives you the right to ask questions, and at the same time an intermediary that helps people to speak more openly.

Approach a person who is not in a hurry and ask if you can ask him a question on camera. Some people will agree to answer your question, but not on camera, which is good. After all, the meaning of our experiments is in conversations, not in writing.

Start recording, ask a question. And then be quiet. If you are asked to clarify a question, repeat, but do not give any rough answers. Your job is to listen. If you see that a person feels free, you can ask clarifying questions, but do not rush. Let the person fill in the gap on their own.

Experiment #5: Be an Outsider

This is the most risky experiment. Choose a place where you don't fit in, where you are in the minority. You have to stand out, be noticeably out of place. Perhaps by race, gender, ethnicity, age, appearance.

Your goal is simply to observe what people are doing, how they react to your presence. You can try to draw attention to yourself and see what happens.

Of course, you should not put yourself in danger, so do not choose a place where you are likely to encounter open aggression. Perhaps you will have an instructive experience. But just in case, prepare yourself, as there is a chance that after this experiment you will not feel your best.

But this is an important experience in terms of empathy: you will feel for yourself what a person feels when they are not noticed or do not want to see. No one wants you to constantly experience this, but when you experience it for yourself at least once, you can look at the world differently.

I know that I risk losing my British citizenship when I say that I admire the act of the American Jonathan Dunn, the initiator of the Let's Talk? Do you know how he reacted to the hostile attitude of the Londoners to his project? I ordered twice as many badges, recruited volunteers and again rushed into battle.

Don't get me wrong: as a British person, the first thing I thought was that those who offer to communicate more with outsiders should be imprisoned without trial. But if you think about it, it's still a strange reaction. In the end, the action does not force unwanted conversations: if you are not ready to communicate, do not wear a badge. In fact, all claims come down to this argument: it is painful for us to watch how other passengers, awkwardly stammering, try to start a dialogue.

But if we are so horrified by the sight of people willingly joining in a normal conversation in public, perhaps they do not have problems?

To reject the idea of ​​communication with strangers is to capitulate to boors

Because the truth, judging by the results of the research of the American teacher and communication specialist Keo Stark, is that we actually become happier when we talk to strangers, even if we are sure in advance that we cannot bear it. This topic can be easily brought to the problem of violation of boundaries, impudent street harassment, but Keo Stark immediately makes it clear that this is not about an aggressive invasion of personal space - she does not approve of such actions.

In her book When Strangers Meet, she says that the best way to deal with unpleasant, annoying forms of interaction between strangers is to encourage and develop a culture of relationships based on sensitivity and empathy. To reject the idea of ​​communication with strangers entirely is more like capitulating to boors. Encounters with strangers (in their proper incarnation, clarifies Keo Stark) turn out to be “beautiful and unexpected stops in the usual, predictable flow of life ... You suddenly have questions that you thought you already knew the answers to.”

In addition to a well-founded fear of being molested, the idea of ​​engaging in such conversations turns us off, probably because it hides two common problems that prevent us from being happy.

We follow a rule even though we don't like it because we think others approve of it.

The first is that we are bad at “affective forecasting”, that is, we are not able to predict what will make us happy, “whether the game is worth the candle”. When researchers asked volunteers to imagine that they were talking to strangers on a train or bus, they were mostly horrified. When asked to do it in real life, they were much more likely to say that they enjoyed the trip.

Another problem is the phenomenon of "pluralistic (multiple) ignorance", due to which we follow some rule, although it does not suit us, because we believe that others approve of it. Meanwhile, the rest think in exactly the same way (in other words, no one believes, but everyone thinks that everyone believes). And it turns out that all the passengers in the car remain silent, although in fact some would not mind talking.

I don't think skeptics will be satisfied with all these arguments. I myself was hardly convinced by them, and therefore my last attempts to communicate with strangers were not very successful. But still think about affective forecasting: research shows that our own forecasts cannot be trusted. So you're pretty sure you'll never wear the Let's Talk? Maybe this is just a sign that it would be worth it.

Are dialects of mutual respect established in modern society. Everyone should have information about the basic rules of etiquette and follow them: regardless of gender, age and position in society.

Lessons in etiquette when communicating between men and women

• On the street, men are supposed to follow the left of their companions. Only the military can go to the right of the women in order to be able to salute if necessary.
• The first to enter the restaurant should be a male representative, so he informs the head waiter that he will pay himself. However, if there is a porter at the entrance, the man needs to let his companion go ahead, and then look for a table where you can sit.
• A male representative should be the first to follow his seat facing the people sitting at a concert, performance or movie.
• If a lady greets someone on the street, then her gentleman must also do this, even if this person is unfamiliar to him.
• A man should not touch a member of the weaker sex without her approval. You can deviate from this rule of etiquette when communicating at those moments when a man helps his companion to cross the road, get out or enter the vehicle.
• Smoking with a woman to a male representative is possible only with her permission.

Rules of speech etiquette

• If you have been insulted in public, do not succumb to the offender's provocations. Leave the scene with a smile on your face.
• The first to greet the person entering the room, regardless of their position.
• The etiquette of communication with people says that certain things should be kept secret. These include: prayer, information about material well-being, love affairs, committed dishonorable and noble deeds, and other moments.
• If your apology was accepted, don't ask for forgiveness again, just don't repeat your mistakes.
• It is necessary to say thanks to those people who showed generosity towards you or came to the rescue in difficult times. They were under no obligation to do these noble deeds.

Business communication etiquette

• It is necessary to observe the rules of official discipline.
• We must not forget about punctuality.
• You should express your thoughts in a short form, without using unnecessary words.
• The interlocutor should be listened to very carefully.
• You should take into account not only your own interests, you need to carefully listen to the opinions of colleagues at work.
• In clothing, you should adhere to the style adopted in the institution. Female representatives should forget about too bright makeup and inappropriate jewelry.
• Do not forget about and letters.

social media etiquette

Social networks are able to open a window into the personal lives of people registered there. The etiquette of communication with people does not recommend opening it too wide, even close people should not see intimate photos or be aware of family events.

• Do not focus on the statements of some commentators on social networks, respond to inappropriate sayings.
• It is not advised to look for sympathy on your page on social networks, because people who read it have enough negative events.
• It is not recommended to abuse abbreviations or sayings filled with rhetoric: strangers may not decipher them and distort the meaning.
• The etiquette of communication with people refers to the manifestations of bad taste the offer of friendship in social networks to strangers.

Telephone communication

On the phone they say that the conversation should be conducted politely, regardless of whether the conversation is with acquaintances or strangers. This rule contributes to the formation and strengthening of a positive impression.

Politeness is also an important part of business telephone conversations. Following certain rules of etiquette can help strengthen the image of the company and the employee directly negotiating on the phone.

Etiquette lessons say that, having dialed the right number, one should not wait for an answer for a long time. The most optimal waiting period is one that includes five or six phone rings. If there is no answer during this time, then the called subscriber cannot answer the phone call at the moment.

The rules of etiquette when communicating say that you need to answer the call from the second or third beep. A prompt response will be able to emphasize your professional qualities and will save the interlocutor's time.

Telephone rules

• Business and personal phone calls should be separated. Formal conversations should be conducted from working devices, informal conversations from personal ones.
• It is not recommended to call before nine in the morning and after ten in the evening.
• If the call is addressed to a stranger, you must by all means explain where you got his phone number from.
• Phone calls should not be time consuming.
• The person who answers the call may not be identified even if the call is from a work phone.
• The person who calls is the first to give their name.
• You should find out from the called subscriber whether it is convenient for him to conduct a conversation at the moment.
• You need to conduct a telephone conversation in a friendly tone, clearly expressing your thoughts.
• You can end a conversation on the phone only after making sure that the interlocutor has said everything necessary.

The etiquette of communication with people is constantly present in our lives. People who know its rules do not experience difficulties in communication and feel free in any society.