Maddy called to book a few sessions, saying she needed to "understand how it all works." I asked her to think in advance what exactly she would like to focus on. I explained that people usually come to me with a specific goal - they want to change something or determine what is most important to them in life, work or relationships.

A week later, Maddie burst into the office like a whirlwind, kicked off her shoes and sat on the floor. I joined her. She unfolded a large sheet of paper and showed the collage she had made the day before to visualize her current life.

She's just crazy, unpredictable. And no one seems to like it but me. Everyone around me is telling me that it's time to settle down, become more reasonable and flexible, - she explained.

Maddy said that she does not stay long at any job, because she does not like being managed and controlled at her every step, she hates the routine and the system. From some positions she herself left, but from somewhere (and this happened more than once) she was asked to leave.

I was always told that I did not fit the position. I really can't stand bureaucracy. I'm probably a little White crow”, she admitted.

I noticed that Maddy smiled, saying "white crow."

The thirst for independence often means that we are not at all able to rely on others.

So, who specifically says that you should become more accommodating? I asked.

My partner wants me to take our relationship more seriously. For him, that means we should buy a house and get married,” Maddie said, and I saw her shiver. - I'm happy with what I have now. We see each other several times a week. I do not want to live with him together, under the same roof, and he is counting on more.

I suggested that Maddie ask herself before our next meeting: What could change her sense of “I should” become more responsible in a relationship to “I want” to become more responsible? I also asked Maddie to make a new collage and use it to show where she would like to be in three years.

Second meeting: What does she really want?

I reviewed Maddie's history with my supervisor. I realized that such a desperate desire for independence often means that we are not at all able to rely on others, and this translates into distrust of people and avoidance of closeness. But at the same time, she did not understand how to help a young woman feel responsible for the relationship.

She realized that she was striving for freedom and creativity more than for stability and security.

The supervisor simply reminded me that people who fiercely defend their independence often break all our ideas, they think and live in a completely special way, and this saves them.

I realized that I had almost made a mistake by projecting concepts and meanings that were meaningful to me onto Maddie. But I couldn't tell if she wanted to change her behavior herself, or if she just thought she had to change for the sake of those around her.

Third Encounter: Admit the Truth

Maddie happily presented me with a collage of her ideal future. It was all bright pictures of distant lands, dolphins, deserts, books, caravans, motorcycles and tents. She told me with great enthusiasm about her dreams for the next three years: about travel, adventures, about her blog, from which a book about how to live creatively will later grow.

She truly realized that she longed for freedom and creativity more than for stability and security. Neither the employer, nor the house, nor the partner fit into this picture of the future.

Yes, it is, she said. - I thought about your question and realized that I was trying to meet the expectations of other people. I decided to focus on what gives me pleasure and brings meaning. Mortgages and children are not included in this picture. I really realized that I longed for freedom and creativity more than for stability and security.

Maddie already told her partner she was leaving. We did not meet again, because she immediately booked an air ticket to the place where her journey began. A year later, I received a letter from her. Maddy asked me to write a foreword for her book, which was already ready for publication. In her letter was the phrase: "I live my dream, not someone else's."

Effective exercises for independent work

If you don't know where to go next and want to set goals for the future, try getting creative with this task: draw a map of your life. Take a large sheet of paper and divide it into three parts. Complete the map in the following order:

In the first part, paint a picture of your current life. Instead of drawing, you can create a collage using pictures and/or words cut from newspapers and magazines.

In the third part, imagine a picture of the life you would like to see in two years. Again, use paint, any stock images and/or words.

In the central part, draw a picture that explains what is preventing you from moving from the first section to the third.

In conclusion, make a path from the first section to the third so that it necessarily passes through middle part. Pave this road with words and pictures that will help you overcome difficulties and make this path.

Livecompletelife

We feel fully satisfied and fulfilled when we see meaning in our activities, which bring joy and allow us to use our strengths. To see how fulfilling your life is today, ask yourself:

• What are my strengths?
• What gives meaning to my life?
• What gives me pleasure?
• To what extent does the current situation allow my strengths brings meaning and joy?
• What could I change to live an even more fulfilling and creative life?

Check how addicted you are

If you find yourself refusing to accept other people's help, it's worth checking out the reasons for your desperate desire for independence. Ask yourself the following questions:

• How do I feel when I depend on someone else?
• How do I feel when someone depends on me?
• In what situations do I avoid dependence on others?
• In what situations do I allow myself to depend on someone?
• What do these situations teach me?
• How can I benefit from my independence?
• What exactly scares me in addiction?

about the author

Psychotherapist and coach, director of Barefoot Coaching.

A happy person is distinguished by having a healthy appetite for life. He enjoys the process. If you look closely, it's not hard to see the recipe that all these people have in common: 1) they know exactly what they want and 2) they get it. How can I figure out what I really want?

I remember that day, about a year ago, when I suddenly clearly realized that the transformation that I had been striving for for so long had entered my life. Despite the fact that there were still many unresolved tasks and questions, there were doubts, fears and other companions of any changes - but one change did irrevocably happen: I knew exactly what I wanted. And in all spheres of life and at different intervals of time.

Wake me up in the middle of the night, demanding to list what I'm interested in in this life - I would blurt out without a shadow of a doubt where I'm going. And with a fair amount of specifics. Offer me to change these goals for others, no less attractive, I would refuse, because my scope already gives me enough space to spread my wings. If my life turned around before a choice - a loved one or these goals, I would choose the second. As real love will not set such a condition, and everything else is a fake from dreams on the topic of saving love, which will make you happy for life and relieve you of the need to act. And for this illusion there is no more place in my life.

It's an interesting feeling to know what you want and where you're going, because it doesn't take away the freedom of choice and the ability to change your mind, but you know that your choice is made.

Absolute freedom does not exist, but there is freedom to make a decision, and after that you are bound by your choice.

P. Coelho, "Zaire"

Binding yourself with such a choice is a truly wise step, since it is concentration on a single vector that helps you go through stage after stage and feel the rhythm of life, giving rise to the joy of conscious movement forward. Including this the only way have what you want for those who are not afraid to dream big.

Simply put, the picture looks like this:

— To be inspired from moving towards your desires, they must be big.- that is, to have scope for the flight of your soul. Global Goals give rise to the belief that our capabilities are much wider, thereby uncovering internal potential and giving strength.

— Achieving big goals takes time., during which you will move in the selected direction without changing direction. Only a long movement in one direction can give a tangible result. You have the right to change the goal, change your mind, choose another - please. divine right free choice always with you, just like the law of cause and effect: every time you start another, you start new way, and you also need to stay on it long enough without changing the sharpness of the focus.

- In order not to succumb to the temptation of choice and not to change your direction, you need to decide exactly what you want. Therefore, it is reasonable certain moment to decide exactly for oneself: “Who am I?” and "Where am I going?" Otherwise, people often change their minds, try many directions at once, do not really succeed anywhere, and generally give up any attempts, thereby starting a smooth descent down the ladder of their prospects.

If you're ready, you don't need to get ready.

Once you have a direction in mind, it is easier to deal with doubts and tempting possibilities. It is easier not to be distracted from the essence and keep the focus on one thing. When this choice has not yet been made to the end and you continue to wait for a miracle (they say, somehow everything will work out by itself), then you swim where the wind blows. I think none of us would want to be on an unruly ship in the ocean or on a boat floating on a fast current without oars. So why do so many people like this dangerous approach: "to go with the flow of life without any goals", isn't it obvious that it carries on stones of helpless old age?

Now in Moscow there is a world championship in athletics– how interesting to watch some competitions. Look.

What is the essence of the victory of this or that athlete? Someone will say that in diligent training, coupled with natural data, but still the root is deeper - in their choice to stop on just one concrete form sport that suits them best and improve in it.

Only long and technically correct training in one direction can give desired result. But each of today's sports stars, having, in principle, a strong body and certain talents, could run from sprint to jump, from jump to marathon, from marathon to all-around, calling it self-discovery. Decide on a direction as early as possible – major decision in sports, and everyone knows about it, which is curious, but in life this is also the most important decision, however, already significantly less people take this into account.

To get what you want, you need to choose a single vector and move in its direction, constantly improving over a long time.

Hence the logical question: do you know what you want from your life? In all areas?

I didn't know for a long time. Rather, she misinterpreted her desires. For example, I sincerely wanted to live by the sea. And only after 2 years, tightly spent by the sea, I realized that I really want to regularly travel to the sea, and to the mountains, and to forests, and to the snow, of course, that is, to travel a lot around the world, and only during breaks between something more significant and creative, for example, the development of your project, and living by the sea is not at all necessary. Big city responds significantly large quantity my questions than an island isolated from the world. In my personal life, there were also dreams in the style of “maybe I will become an excellent hostess and keeper of the hearth and will not do anything,” which pretty much amused my own universe with the corresponding lessons.

For every talent we will be asked.

But every time, even when the next “I want” turned out to be more of my fantasy about a wonderful future, and not an adult decision, I continued to move forward. I wanted to live by the sea - I went there to live. I wanted a free schedule - I found a way to work as a freelancer. I realized that I had to return to Moscow, so I moved. I wanted an author's project - and here it is in front of you. It was this movement, and not reflections (!), that gave the skill to separate the grains of the true aspirations of the soul from the chaff of idle entertainment that lead nowhere. At some point, the real goals began to take on an increasingly clear form, leaving behind all the imposed husks.

This is an illustration of my favorite example of a long climb in the mountains - at first you don't even see the top, but as you get closer, with another observation deck, your view increases and at some point - the target becomes clear. But if you don’t get up from the couch and start this path of conscious movement along the edges of your “I want” and “I can”, then don’t even ask to the top.

Some tips on how to understand your true desires and find inspiring goals

0. Tip number "zero"- start a conscious movement, to begin with, to any immediate desire. You need to start moving uphill in order to continue to talk about where exactly my road is in all this splendor. If you plan to start and do something only when you find your Path or destination, you simply do not leave the threshold of your house. It's called couch searching for yourself, and it's funny.

1. Pay attention to your own desires

Availability a large number desires and ideas are a sign of high energy. Don't give up on your aspirations. And do not listen to those who say that desires are bad. Desires encourage us to move forward, grow and overcome ourselves, or rather, our own ideas about ourselves. Desires are catalysts vital energy. Another issue is that when the potential remains unrealized, it starts to press. That is why it is useful to fulfill desires in every sense.

The difference between a true dream or a “public” one, that is, an imposed one, is most often realized only in practice, and not in the mind. Get ready for trial and error phase, especially if you grew up in a very "blinded" environment, but this stage is also very productive.

Most often, I receive letters in the style of “how to make it so that everything changes, but not to be mistaken.” That's the point, no way. Yes, you may be mistaken, but even a mistake with a sincere intention to change for the better and realize your potential to the maximum will be beneficial, because it will remove another layer of blinders from your eyes, which you will never see if you don’t try.

A loser is one who, out of fear of failure, has not even tried.

It was the mistakes that led me to the very observation deck, where I could clearly see what I want: who to be, what to have, where to go. And the bonus is the understanding that she no longer intends to endure.

2. Find the junction between desires and abilities

The single vector that was discussed is very often located at the junction of “I want” and “I can”. That is, these are not just your current abilities, but multiplied by big desires. What you have inclinations and talents for, but in the context of a big dream. This is conscious development their abilities into skill that allows you to realize the most daring desires. As soon as you find this joint, give it priority. Nothing makes a person internally holistic and calm like a clear understanding of where he is going.

The goal differs from fantasy only by the presence of real steps already now in the chosen direction. In all other cases, if you want, but don’t do it, this is nothing more than a childhood dream that is unlikely to ever come true.

To get somewhere, you need to know the destination. This is primary. And the sooner you decide on it, the clearer everything that happens around you becomes. I wish you to realize it and choose from all the variety.

In order to better understand the origin of neuroses as understood by Adler, let us consider briefly
next clinical case.
“Gwen, an 18-year-old math student, came to
advisory center of his college with complaints of anxiety, physical signs
stress (feeling muscle tension in the shoulders and neck before exams), on
recurring states of depression, as well as severe dissatisfaction with one's own
academic achievement. She could not name the reasons for the anxiety and felt that her
physical stress is higher than normal. When her grades went from average to below
medium, Gwen felt very dissatisfied and almost went mad with despair; she is
I felt that I could completely slide down, especially in mathematics. As
continued counseling, it turned out that Gwen always experienced great difficulties in
relationships with friends and peers. She looked arrogant, kept herself away from others in
side. Gwen believed that the people around her were superficial and below her intellectually.
relation. Difficulties in relationships were especially depressing for her during the seminars, when
students had to study together with the leader, solving difficult problems and
working through difficult places in lecture material and textbooks.
Gwen grew up as an only child in the family. Her father was a successful doctor and her mother
respected high school mathematics teacher. Gwen's home was
material abundance, parents fulfilled her every whim; she even had free
access to parents' credit cards. She went to small private schools
the teachers paid much attention to her, and in these conditions she managed brilliantly.
Admission to the big prestigious university away from home brought dramatic
change. She had more problems with adaptation than most students.
Difficulties of a neurotic nature appeared in Gwen precisely during this period.
Based on the main provisions of Adler's theory, we can conclude that the level
activity needed to solve actual problems, Gwen has significantly decreased. She is
strove for the egocentric goal of surpassing everyone. And despite the fact that she has a reduced social
interest, she wants to continue to live in such a way that others spoil her and forgive her everything.
The result of all this was the neurotic symptoms.

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer "In order to better understand the origin of neuroses in the understanding of Adler, consider briefly the following ..." to the question http://www.. May I discuss this answer with you?

Discuss with an expert

If you have ever been interested in the topic of the realization of your desires, then you probably already know that the bulk of trainings, various tips and methods are guided by a ready-made clear picture. It is assumed that you know very well what you want.

But what to do if the desire is still too vague, “not ripe”, you don’t want to give it up, but there is no clarity? Don't worry if you visualize a direction but don't see it final result, this is not a reason to abandon your path. Nature itself is ready to take care of you and bring clarity to your thoughts.

Let's take a look at how this can happen simple example. Imagine that you are going to the store with the intention of buying yourself a new thing. While you have no idea what exactly you want, and spend a lot of time among a variety of things, look at the price tags, try on something, or just walk among the colorful windows. There is no clarity. Finally, the forces leave you, and you leave with nothing.

Before going to sleep, you close your eyes, and before your mind's eye, hangers with clothes again float, things that you tried on or that you only lightly touched. Now you mentally apply a variety of styles to yourself, one thing replaces another, your thoughts flow smoothly, slowly, you imagine yourself in a variety of outfits, nothing limits you. And suddenly…

Stop! Here it is! Yours! You recognized him. So that's what you want! Everything is clear and understandable. The dream vanished. There was a joyful excitement inside. More like morning! Yes! I want it! How did you get it? What prompted you? Of course, this is your wise and caring unconscious. As soon as you relax, let go of thoughts - and it immediately came to your aid. While the conscious mind is sleeping, the unconscious can tell you the most The best decision.

By willpower, by reason, you can only find a rational, practical option, but it will not bring you the expected joy. Returning to our example, you can imagine the consequences of an exclusively "reasonable approach."

Many women at least once, but faced with a situation where their conscious arguments, in the end, turned into disappointment and the question "why did I buy this." It all starts with the thought “there is nothing to wear, I need to buy something”, in the fitting room she struggles with doubts: “it seems to be nothing, but ... the price” or “it seems to be so-so, but the price”, “where can you find better "," Nothing, I'll cut it, I'll shorten it.

Finally, the purchase is "forced out"! Goal achieved! You bring home the purchased item. There is no strength, the mood is depressed. Something inside is resisting. You put on your new thing and immediately understand: the style is not the same, the color is not yours, the price is not at all pleasing, and in general this is not at all what you wanted. And imagine what the consequences would be if you bought a house or planned a move.

Therefore, when making decisions, making choices, deciding on desires, it is necessary to take into account not only conscious arguments, but also consult with your intuition. You cannot deceive yourself, your body. Your true desires always find a way to get out. Your task is to hear and receive this signal.

By the way, if we are already talking about shopping, then you can spend right now a little research and find out how strong your connection with the unconscious is. Remember how many things you bought, and then realized that you do not want to wear or use it. The more “unnecessary things” accumulated in your house, the weaker your relationship with intuition. However, this applies not only to shopping, so you can appreciate any area of ​​your life.

But, as mentioned above, the clues of the unconscious most often come chaotically, before going to bed or during a light daytime nap. This is not very convenient, especially when you need to get an answer to a burning question. To make communication with the unconscious more manageable and predictable, there are special techniques.

Of course, in order to get more effective result skills are needed. But do not deny yourself the opportunity to learn a little more about this world, remember, academics also once could not read. You can learn everything, feel free to take your first step. This technique is based on visualization and assumes the presence of at least primary skills of entering into a trance. If you don’t own them yet, then be sure to find an opportunity to learn this, but for now ...

1. Decide on a question. What desire would you like to clarify for yourself? You don't know what you want?

2. Relax, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and exhale. Leave the fuss, worries and problems in the outside world.

3. Determine starting point. From it you will repel. Provide an approximate image of what you want. If you are looking for where to go on vacation, then imagine a city or locality; if you want to buy a thing, then without effort on yourself, just let the first thought come and leave this image as a starting point.

4. Allow the image to "spin", transform, flow from one to another. Your eyes will still be closed. Dream. No conscious effort is needed, let your images and thoughts flow at your own pace.

5. Wait until something from the stream of images stabilizes, stops changing. You will have a desire to slow down, there will be a feeling of joy and confidence that this is really “it”. A warm wave can run through the body. You will feel emotional uplift, delight, inspiration. Pay Special attention to bodily reactions. If there is even slightest doubt, you feel tension, so do not stop, continue to follow the flow of images. When you find "your own", you will have no doubts, you will bathe in positive emotions.

6. After receiving the answer, thank yourself and the unconscious for help and support. This will help you strengthen your further relationship with your inner self and will help you gain communication skills faster.

Over time, with regular training, you will learn to easily understand your unconscious and you will receive answers much faster and more accurately, and sometimes right in the process of action related to your intention. Perhaps some of the answers will surprise you.

But keep in mind that the unconscious is guided not only by your desires, but also has access to information that is not available to most people. His answer will be dictated, first of all, by the desire for your well-being, even if it seems to you that this is not quite what you expected. Learn to trust yourself, and you will have at your disposal a round-the-clock opportunity to live a happy and joyful life!

If you have ever been interested in the topic of the realization of your desires, then you probably already know that the bulk of trainings, various tips and methods are guided by a ready-made clear picture. It is assumed that you know very well what you want. But what to do if the desire is still too vague, “not ripe”, you don’t want to give it up, but there is no clarity?

Don't worry if you're imagining a direction but not seeing the end result, that's no reason to abandon your path. Nature itself is ready to take care of you and bring clarity to your thoughts. Let's see how this can happen with a simple example.

Imagine that you are going to the store with the intention of buying yourself a new thing. While you have no idea what exactly you want and spend a lot of time among a variety of things, look at the price tags, try on something, or just walk among the colorful windows. There is no clarity. Finally, the forces leave you, and you leave with nothing. Before going to bed, you close your eyes, and before your mind's eye, hangers with clothes again float, things that you tried on or that you only lightly touched. Now you mentally apply a variety of styles to yourself, one thing replaces another, your thoughts flow smoothly, slowly, you imagine yourself in a variety of outfits, nothing limits you. And suddenly... Stop! Here it is! Yours! You recognized him. So here's what you want! Everything is clear and understandable. The dream vanished. There was a joyful excitement inside. More like morning! Yes! I want it!

How did you get it? What prompted you? Of course, this is your wise and caring unconscious. As soon as you relax, let go of thoughts, and it immediately came to your aid. While the conscious mind is sleeping, the unconscious can give you the best solution. By willpower, by reason, you can only find a rational, practical option, but it will not bring you the expected joy.

Returning to our example, you can imagine the consequences of an exclusively "reasonable approach". Many women at least once, but faced with a situation where their conscious arguments, in the end, turned into disappointment and the question - "why did I buy this." It all starts with the thought - “there is nothing to wear, I need to buy something”, in the fitting room she struggles with doubts: “it seems to be nothing, but ... the price”, or “it seems to be so-so, but the price”, “and where you’ll find better”, “nothing, I’ll cut it, I’ll shorten it”. Finally, the purchase is "forced"! Goal achieved! You bring home the purchased item. There is no strength, the mood is depressed. Something inside is resisting. You put on your new thing and immediately realize that the style is not the same, the color is not yours, the price is not at all pleasing, and, in general, this is not at all what you wanted. And imagine what the consequences would be if you bought a house or planned a move.

Therefore, when making decisions, making choices, deciding on desires, it is necessary to take into account not only conscious arguments, but also consult with your intuition. You cannot deceive yourself, your body. Your true desires will always find an opportunity to break through. Your task is to hear and receive this signal. By the way, if we are talking about shopping, then you can do a little research right now and find out how strong your connection with the unconscious is. Remember how many things you bought, and then realized that you do not want to wear or use it. The more “unnecessary things” accumulated in your house, the weaker your relationship with intuition. However, this applies not only to shopping, so you can appreciate any area of ​​your life.

But, as mentioned above, the clues of the unconscious most often come chaotically, before going to bed or during a light daytime nap. This is not very convenient, especially when you need to get an answer to a burning question.

To make communication with the unconscious more manageable and predictable, there are special techniques. Of course, skills are required to obtain a more effective result. But do not deny yourself the opportunity to learn a little more about this world, remember, academics also once could not read. You can learn everything, feel free to take your first step.

This technique is based on visualization and assumes the presence of at least the primary skills of entering a trance. If you don’t own them yet, then be sure to find an opportunity to learn this, but for now ...

1. Decide on a question. What desire would you like to clarify for yourself? What exactly do you not know what you want?
2. Relax, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and exhale. Leave the fuss, worries and problems in the outside world.
3. Determine the starting point. From it you will repel. Provide an approximate image of what you want. If you are looking for where to go on vacation, then imagine a city or area, if you want to buy a thing, then without effort on yourself, just let the first thought come and leave this image as a starting point.
4. Allow the image to "spin", transform, flow from one to another. Your eyes will still be closed. Dream. No conscious effort is needed, let your images and thoughts flow at your own pace.
5. Wait until something from the stream of images stabilizes, stops changing. You will have a desire to slow down, there will be a feeling of joy and confidence that this is really "it". A warm wave can run through the body. You will feel emotional uplift, delight, inspiration. Pay special attention to bodily reactions. If even the slightest doubt arises, you feel tension, then do not stop, continue to follow the flow of images. When you find "your own", you will have no doubts, you will bathe in positive emotions.
6. When you receive an answer, thank yourself and the unconscious for help and support. This will help you to strengthen your further relationship with your inner self and will help you gain communication skills faster.

Over time, with regular training, you will learn to easily understand your unconscious and you will receive answers much faster and more accurately, and sometimes right in the process of action related to your intention. Perhaps some of the answers will surprise you. But keep in mind that the unconscious is guided not only by your desires, but also has access to information not available to most people. His answer will be dictated, first of all, by the desire for your well-being, even if it seems to you that this is not quite what you expected. Learn to trust yourself, and you will have at your disposal a round-the-clock opportunity to live a happy and joyful life!