“Well, you’re a fat woman”, “this is a pimple, you can see it for a kilometer”, “I’m completely crazy, sit silently and don’t stick my head out”, “everyone laughs at you”, “who is constantly pulling you, fool, by the tongue” - your inner voice would drive the Dalai Lama himself into depression. It's time to put this "advisor" in his place and stop to spread rot and humiliate yourself.
Your inner voice has to do with how you feel and how you behave. The conversations that this “I” has in your head become a model of your behavior. If you constantly rot yourself, do not hesitate, that's exactly how, hunted and humiliated, you look from the outside. Fortunately, it is possible to pump up the ability to have a positive internal dialogue. How to do it, we tell.
Step 1: Monitor Negative Thoughts
The boss asks you to come to him after dinner. What thought came to your mind: are you waiting for a promotion or retribution for some joint? You don’t even notice, but that very exhausting rot just begins with these small automatic thoughts that seem to arise in your head on their own.
What to do? Practicing psychotherapist Emmy Morin recommends "hooking" a negative thought by the tail and throwing it overboard without mercy. This is step number one.
Step 2. Look for confirmation / refutation of thoughts
Have you ever tried to doubt your thoughts? You used to believe in yourself: if you think about it, it means that it is so. But in fact, often the opposite is true - a lot of what you think about, what you attach importance to and what you ultimately depend on is complete nonsense.
What to do? Look for evidence or refutation of the caught negative thought. You think, "The boss is going to give me a thrashing." Did you really do something? What do you have to be fired for? If the answer to both questions is “no”, go to step number three.
Dr. Amy Morin recommends finding as many confirmations and rebuttals as possible. The more, the quieter will be the voice of your inner critic. Yes, another trick will work here: try to refute negative thoughts as if you were talking to a colleague, without prejudice and flattery.
Step 3: Reframe the Thought
So, you have in your hands the refutation of a negative thought. Now make it truly real. For example, “The boss calls me for a chat. I didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps he needs advice or he has a good suggestion for me. Just don’t get carried away and inspire yourself with a hyperpositive like “The boss wants to reward me with a double salary.”
Your task is to make the idea as real as possible. Do not try to convince yourself of something that, as you suspect deep down, is not true. Do not build illusions. By at least, as recommended by Dr. Amy Morin.
By the way, this method also helps to program yourself to move forward. For example, you say to yourself with fear, “I have never done this, I will not cope with the new task.” We reformulate and get "This is an opportunity to learn something new."
Step 4: Imagine a Bad Scenario
Sometimes The best way defeat evil - face it face to face. Draw the blackest scenario for when you're right.
So the boss calls you in to give you a thrashing or fire you. What's next? Will the world end? No. You will receive a salary for the period worked and you will sit at home and look for new job. You will still be alive and well, everything will be fine with your loved ones. Is this not happiness? And there is a job.
It has become easier, but internal rot continues? Let's move on to the next step.
Step 5: Put Your Inner Critic Close by
Imagine your inner detractor as something real: like a person, for example, or a fabulous animal. Most likely, he is standing in front of you, always looking straight into your face and ruthlessly throws accusations and reproaches at you.
Presented? Now change position and put your critic next to you. Now you are looking in one direction. You are no longer two enemies ready to grab each other's hair, not a strict teacher and an eternally guilty student, not an adult and not a child. You are like-minded, you are at the same time, you want the same thing - happiness, success, love. Such a trick was shared by the famous American psychologist Steve Andreas.
Step 6. Visualize the Critic's Words
If the visualization went well, try this option again. Imagine yourself as a comic book character - you know, next to the character's head there is a bubble with his speech. So, next to your head in this comic there are also words, but not yours, but your inner critic.
Now work hard with them: stretch each word until the letters disappear somewhere in the distance, squeeze until the letters disappear from sight, swap letters. “You are ridiculous” turns into “yt ayalepne”. Does this tell you something? No, this is complete nonsense. Everything, the thought has disappeared, it is no more. Has it gotten easier? Thanks to the aforementioned Dr. Steve Andreas.
Step 7: Emphasize Your Inner Voice
Completely from the negative internal dialogue you won't get rid of it. Yes, this is not necessary. Your task is to recognize the moment when a mumbling, dissatisfied and distorting gnome turns on in your head, and competently turn off the sound of this broken TV.
If turning off the sound doesn't always work, try giving it some kind of wacky or funny accent that completely changes the feel of internal notation. “You are the eternal loser,” said, for example, in the voice of Dracula or with the intonation of an Indian disco dancer, somehow loses its strength and assertiveness, do you agree?
The more often you practice steps 1-7, the closer you become to your true self and the freer you are in expressing your true desires. When you shut up your inner critic, you will stop being critical of others, not to mention that you will be less stressed. Experts came to this conclusion Mayo clinics, USA.
Oksana Klimova
The most severe and captious critic always sits in ourselves. Can it be silenced?
The Inner Critic speaks in the voices of our parents, teachers, and authority figures who have criticized us in their time, often out of their own helplessness, powerlessness, inability to influence a situation or our behavior.
Children perceive what adults say as an indisputable truth. Critique parents can become for the child the foundation of his ideas about the world around and about himself. Someone else's idea or position learned in early age without objective comprehension and over time began to be perceived as one's own, is called an introject. The Inner Critic speaks with such introjects and often uses them as proof that he is right.
How to deal with it?
1. Set boundaries
Let your inner critic speak, but limit it to regulations. No more than five minutes, only on the merits, without insults. There is no need to interrupt and make excuses, it is better to write down his claims, invite him to mention successes.
While the inner critic is ranting, by his intonations and specific words you can find out exactly whose position he is voicing: mom, dad, or maybe the first teacher? The phrase will help put criticism in its place: "You criticized me there and then, and I could not answer. Here and now I am able to choose my reaction to your words."
There are 2 types of internal critics: objective and authoritarian. The first allows you to develop, adapt, form a normal self-esteem. The second has too much power, sets a high bar for achievements, does not forgive mistakes.
An authoritarian critic sees the world without halftones, he is a maximalist and perfectionist, inflexible and unrealistic, prone to dramatization and exaggeration. In his eyes, any minor trouble is a terrible failure. To calm him down, you will have to clarify the situation and start negotiations. For example, in case of failure, we will evaluate its scale using a 10-point system. Let's ask questions: what could reduce this score by a couple of points? What can be done to reduce their importance? What lessons can we draw from the situation, what did it teach us? We write down the answers, if possible, replacing negative judgments with neutral ones.
3. Thank
The critic protects us from possible disappointment, feelings of personal inadequacy, and shame. The way out is to become aware of this unconscious dynamic and thank the critic for taking care of our psychological comfort. You can say the following phrase to yourself: "Thank you for the criticism, I heard your opinion, and now I will decide for myself how to do the right thing."
4. Create a support group
Try to lean on the real feedback from other people. Learning to listen and not devalue good feedback about your activities. Collecting positive comments from important people- this will allow you to form a more objective vision of the results, soften the assessments and attitudes of the internal critic.
5. Show objectivity
You need to learn to see an objective picture, soberly evaluate your efforts, praise yourself in case of success and not take full responsibility for failures.
6. Fight back
Criticism is a kind of aggression, it begins to corrode from the inside, if it is not released in time. Therefore, we try to criticize someone or something ourselves. Needs to be brought out strong feelings without endangering yourself or others. For example, turn on African music and dance your anger. You can play restaurant or literary critic, as well as write a humorous critical article and resolutely break it.
7. Strengthen the inner adult
From a parental position, the critic teaches and instructs the child part, his caustic remarks are addressed to the Inner Child.
It is important to find differences between past and present, between real situation from childhood and what is happening now, when we scold ourselves. We have the right to say: when we first heard criticism addressed to us, we were 5 years old, and now we are 25. Then it was morning, and now it is afternoon. In the past, we wore knee-highs and a short skirt, but now we have trousers and high-heeled shoes. As a child, we experienced powerlessness, and now we are angry. This will help to separate our child part from the adult part.
To support the Adult, it is recommended to keep a notebook and write down each achievement there. Soon, we will be surprised to find an impressive list of victories that went unnoticed while we were distracted by a restless critic. It is worth paying attention to those areas of activity in which we are successful. It is they who will help to stay afloat when something does not work out and self-esteem falls.
From time to time it is necessary to turn off the inner critic completely. To do this, you will have to categorically deprive him of his voice. To turn off criticism means to provide complete freedom A child who can show his creative potential only in conditions of complete acceptance and non-estimation.
9. Change your point of view
How to make criticism an ally? Assess yourself constructively. Begin and end with a positive assessment of results and actions, and negative statements put between words of approval. And also demand specific proposals and ideas to help avoid future failures. And ask the inner critic to list the qualities and skills that will be useful in solving such problems and make a plan for their development.
Selected quotes from Cosmopolitan Psychology 05 2013
I had a therapeutic joy today! I managed to jump out of the habitual pattern in which I rot myself and take a positive attitude towards myself.
The situation is banal and therefore especially evident. I decided to sell the bag that I ordered on aliexpress a year and a half ago and never wore. I put it on the Internet and bought it from the first call.
I’m going after the sale and pounced on myself: “Here, why the hell did I say that, what a fool, what will they think of me now, ruined everything, and in general, the fuck came in advance, it was cold and I had to ask for more money ...” And she shrank, shrank , as if under a beating, I shrugged my head into my shoulders, hunched over, I am ashamed, guilt is overflowing, I can hardly breathe, I am afraid to raise my eyes and I feel inside that everything is hopelessly bad, I am bad, I did everything badly, I boil in this familiar state. I'm dragging my feet like a beaten dog, although I just sold the bag the first time, at a great price, to the delight of myself and the buyers - everything is fine!
I was taught in all situations to pay attention to shortcomings, to spread rot on myself for them as much as possible, with the goal of doing better next time. Everything that turned out well is self-evident and unworthy of being noticed. It's been a long time since anyone on the outside has rotted me, but I've integrated the method and apply it to myself with dedication.
Seeing myself in this horror, with a conscious effort of will, I took my side, turned my attention, noted everything that I did cool and quite casually noted what could be improved. It turned out that there are so many good things! And the "bad" is so insignificant!
Here's what I commend myself for:
1) It's great that I decided to sell the bag at all. I was sorry to part with it, because it is bright, colorful, I enthusiastically guarded a discount on it and emotionally invested in the purchase. But for a year and a half it lay in the closet, I never went out with it, because it is heavy and uncomfortable to open.
2) I submitted a great ad. I was not too lazy to take a picture and process the photo, found several ads on alik and took pictures from there, chose without a Chinese theme, because I sold it as French. Wrote a good accompanying text.
3) Immediately answered the call and adequately talked.
4) I packed the bag in a beautiful paper bag, not from the supermarket. I came up with the idea of putting an inflated bag inside, this gave the bag a beautiful shape, leaving it light.
5) Arrived on time for the meeting. I didn’t want to hang around in the cold at all, but the buyers didn’t have to wait for me and get angry.
6) They were a little late, I was nice and friendly, although I was cold and could be offended or run over.
7) Created a report, talked adequately, found a topic for conversation and created a good friendly contact before the deal. Asked good questions and expressed delight.
8) Didn't shove: "Here's the bag, look quickly!" AT pleasant conversation I waited until they asked and it was right.
9) Agreed to a discount. I could push my price, but it was so nice for me and them.
10) Husband and wife bought and besides the sale itself, I managed to pay attention to their relationship, as this is for me actual topic, I study the options, as happens in the world, and integrate the ones I like. I only had a few minutes and I was worried, but I still found a piece of attention for this.
11) In addition, I stood next to the man, looked into his eyes, smiled, did not shy away, was not afraid, did not try to escape. This is also a hot topic, I monitor and study my condition with men. This also received attention.
Previously, I would have taken all this for granted and generally unworthy of attention. I would focus solely on the "terrible failures", of which there were two:
1) It is difficult for me to part and I always try to prolong the conversation. Should have finished one sentence earlier.
2) The information about Knop on the electric sheet was too personal and therefore redundant. It was necessary to omit or choose a not so intimate fact.
I praise myself and bodily feel completely different: my shoulders are straightened, breathing is easier, energy is surging, I feel stronger and fuller, joy is manifested by goosebumps in my stomach, lightness in my chest, I smile embarrassedly, not really believing that it really turned out well . There is pride that I have done high-quality preparation and, it turns out, I communicate cool. Suddenly there is surprise at how easily everything turned out. Gratitude to myself. Relax and drop your shoulders. The body is warm. You can breathe. It becomes calm and safe.
And the coolest feeling is that after being praised, I am able to see what can be improved, remembered and potentially applied. In this confident, calm and excited state, I can easily and quickly learn. And when I spread rot, I hold on so tightly that I don’t perceive anything, the only thought is to run away. I remember sitting huddled on the couch and big birds my parents were circling me and lecturing excitedly, and now I don't know how to do it right. From adult logic it is clear that self-praise is more effective and improves the quality of life. But it's not enough to outweigh children's experience, where it is deeply stitched that it is right and useful to spread rot. Big and smart parents couldn't be wrong, that's for sure :)
And yet - it is very difficult to refuse this pattern! Several hours have passed and I fall back, discount the good, slide into endless self-reproach, again pull my head into my shoulders and stop breathing. It's stitched deep. It seems to me that the only way out is through monitoring bodily reactions and every time conscious choice don't torture yourself. This is how the adult part grows.
As Carnegie, who I don't like, said, "Keep busy. It's the cheapest drug on earth - and one of the most effective."
And stop throwing stones.
First. Employment. cook unusual dish, go for a walk, read a book, meet a friend (from the banal), start studying some new area for you, run (any physical exercise useful) or take up some kind of sport, try to learn to dance, sing, master musical instrument, physics, chemistry, learn anatomy, whatever. The main thing is to do something that you are interested in and like, if this is difficult (and in this state, most likely), then just something to do. The magic pill is not only that you will simply be distracted from such an oppressed self-destructive state, but that while doing any activity you will make efforts to carry it out, you will use and create resources for further activities, you will to interact with other people (most likely), it can be difficult or even painful, but just as useful, yet the influence of other people often improves the condition. But main secret the fact that in this way you will grow your self-esteem, making some progress, learning something new, you will not only concentrate your attention on activities, but (well, at least minimally and periodically) will be satisfied with yourself. And such things should be saved and used correctly.
Second. Awareness. The most a big problem such a state is that sticking, looping occurs, a person closes in the circle of his thoughts and ... often cannot leave this vicious circle on his own. Usually there is an injection to a critical point, and then ... depends on the situation. But most often, some circumstances weaken the pressure of such auto-aggression, so self-flagellation occurs in periods, so to speak, from sharpening to remission. If you cannot cope with your self-destructive thoughts at the moment when they are most vivid and literally press on you, then try to wait for the time when your consciousness clears up a little (and this will happen one way or another, you cannot endlessly self-deprecate yourself). So, at the moments when you can look at the situation a little more soberly and calmly, try to realize what is happening, try to catch yourself on how this mechanism of auto-aggression arises, which activates it, how you feel, how you think, in principle. The more often you realize that you are just spreading rot on yourself, the easier it is to deal with it. Your task is to understand that you inadequately evaluate reality and yourself.
Third. You need to weaken your critical state and stabilize it (apparently the first and third should be swapped). The most nightmarish emotional condition it will pass, that's for sure, you should be patient, not worsen and wait for a recession. And it is better to make an effort and help yourself to come at least to an imaginary norm. To do this, it is best to calm down, ask for help, again, do something, great way there will be a change of scenery (this is very sobering) and surround yourself with positive, something good as much as possible (or better let your loved ones do it, you can also ask about it).
I myself am a masochistic person, prone to self-flagellation and self-mutilation, therefore, under my own skin, I lived / th auto-aggression in all its glory. You can live with this in the background, but it's better to just get rid of it, change it, or at least try to change this attitude-look at yourself. It's the installation. And it can definitely be done. And it’s also very nice to accept yourself imperfect as you are.
In general, you need to stabilize the state by removing the critical influence of self-destructive thoughts and work on it, and it is probably worth starting with low self-esteem, insecurity and self-rejection. You can help yourself, especially if you have such a desire and strength. Or you can seek help from a specialist, which will be faster and more efficient, but financially more expensive.
Most importantly, remember that you are just you. You are not a product on a shelf among a pile of other products, where price tags hang everywhere. You are a person, just like everyone else. Respect yourself.
Break the vicious circle. I hate myself because self-destructive thoughts help/create it, and self-destructive thoughts torment me because I hate myself.
It seems to me that I wrote quite clearly how to remove them, if at the same time you hate yourself. And it does not happen that a person hates himself, but at the same time there was no aspect of auto-aggression, he somehow humiliates himself and this creates, strengthens hatred, dislike for himself. Such is the paradox.
Remove self-destructive thoughts - start working on accepting, loving yourself. And this, again, must begin from the stabilization of the state. And move forward in small steps. There are two main points - realize that you rot yourself, reinforcing self-hatred, thereby creating the same state, and the second, act, which means trying to do something and get the most out of it (yet I wrote about this already in the answer).
In general, I'm sorry, but it seemed that the question was from the category: I'm fat, while I overeat, but I want to be slim. The solution is to start doing anything in the direction of solving the problem.
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Your inner voice has to do with how you feel and how you behave. The conversations that this “I” has in your head become a model of your behavior. If you constantly rot yourself, do not hesitate, that's exactly how, hunted and humiliated, you look from the outside. Fortunately, it is possible to pump up the ability to have a positive internal dialogue. How to do this, we will tell further.
Step 1: Monitor Negative Thoughts
The boss asks you to come to him after dinner. What thought came to your mind: are you waiting for a promotion or retribution for some joint? You don’t even notice, but that very exhausting rot just begins with these small automatic thoughts that seem to arise in your head on their own.
What to do? Practicing psychotherapist Emmy Morin recommends "hooking" a negative thought by the tail and throwing it overboard without mercy. This is step number one.
Step 2. Look for confirmation / refutation of thoughts
Have you ever tried to doubt your thoughts? You used to believe in yourself: if you think about it, it means that it is so. But in fact, often the opposite is true - a lot of what you think about, what you attach importance to and what you ultimately depend on is complete nonsense.
What to do? Look for evidence or refutation of the caught negative thought. You think, "The boss is going to give me a thrashing." Did you really do something? What do you have to be fired for? If the answer to both questions is “no”, go to step number three.
Dr. Amy Morin recommends finding as many confirmations and rebuttals as possible. The more, the quieter will be the voice of your inner critic. Yes, another trick will work here: try to refute negative thoughts as if you were talking to a colleague, without prejudice and flattery.
Step 3: Reframe the Thought
So, you have in your hands the refutation of a negative thought. Now make it truly real. For example, “The boss calls me for a chat. I didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps he needs advice or he has a good suggestion for me. Just don’t get carried away and inspire yourself with a hyperpositive like “The boss wants to reward me with a double salary.”
Your task is to make the idea as real as possible. Do not try to convince yourself of something that, as you suspect deep down, is not true. Do not build illusions. At least that's what Dr. Amy Morin recommends doing.
By the way, this method also helps to program yourself to move forward. For example, you say to yourself with fear, “I have never done this, I will not cope with the new task.” We reformulate and get "This is an opportunity to learn something new."
Step 4: Imagine a Bad Scenario
Sometimes the best way to defeat evil is to face it head on. Draw the blackest scenario for when you're right.
So the boss calls you in to give you a thrashing or fire you. What's next? Will the world end? No. You will receive a salary for the period worked and you will sit at home and look for a new job. You will still be alive and well, everything will be fine with your loved ones. Is this not happiness? And there is a job.
It has become easier, but internal rot continues? Let's move on to the next step.
Step 5: Put Your Inner Critic Close by
Imagine your inner detractor as something real: like a person, for example, or a fabulous animal. Most likely, he stands in front of you, always looks directly into your face and mercilessly throws accusations and reproaches at you.
Presented? Now change position and put your critic next to you. Now you are looking in one direction. You are no longer two enemies ready to grab each other's hair, not a strict teacher and an eternally guilty student, not an adult and not a child. You are like-minded, you are at the same time, you want the same thing - happiness, success, love. This trick was shared by the famous American psychologist Steve Andreas.
Step 6. Visualize the Critic's Words
If the visualization went well, try this option again. Imagine yourself as a comic book character - you know, next to the character's head there is a bubble with his speech. So, next to your head in this comic there are also words, but not yours, but your inner critic.
Now work hard with them: stretch each word until the letters disappear somewhere in the distance, squeeze until the letters disappear from sight, swap letters. “You are ridiculous” turns into “yt ayalepne”. Does this tell you something? No, this is complete nonsense. Everything, the thought has disappeared, it is no more. Has it gotten easier? Thanks to the aforementioned Dr. Steve Andreas.
Step 7: Emphasize Your Inner Voice
You won’t get rid of negative internal dialogue completely. Yes, this is not necessary. Your task is to recognize the moment when a mumbling, dissatisfied and distorting gnome turns on in your head, and competently turn off the sound of this broken TV.
If turning off the sound doesn't always work, try giving it some kind of wacky or funny accent that completely changes the feel of internal notation. “You are the eternal loser,” said, for example, in the voice of Dracula or with the intonation of an Indian disco dancer, somehow loses its strength and assertiveness, do you agree?
The more often you practice steps 1-7, the closer you become to your true self and the more free you are to express your true desires. When you shut up your inner critic, you will stop being critical of others, not to mention that you will be less stressed. This conclusion was made by experts from the Mayo Clinic, USA.
How do you silence your inner critic? Share in the comments.
